Chronicles of Cashmere

Gemini Valentine

2012-02-10T21:36:00.000-05:00

Yeah, yeah...that DAY is coming up. We all know I could give a fuck!
Anywho, if I were to send a Valentine to a potential boo, it would totally be this one!!!

...if you are male and of sound mind and connect to this...then maybe there is a chance for you to warm my cold, cold black heart.

Courtesy of Freewill Astrology
"I've ghostwritten a personal ad for you to give to your Valentine or potential Valentine: "I'm looking for a free yet disciplined spirit I can roll down hills with on sunny days and solve thorny puzzles with when the skies are cloudy. Can you see the absurd in the serious and the serious in the absurd? Are you a curious chameleon always working to sharpen your communication skills? Might you be attracted to a sweet-talking wise-ass who's evolving into a holy goofball? Emotional baggage is expected, of course, but please make sure yours is organized and well-packed. Let's create the most unpredictably intriguing versions of beauty and truth that anyone ever imagined."

Better.

2012-01-25T22:53:00.000-05:00

There's a sorta psychology to losing a lil chub. You still think you're larger and proceed to buy clothing too large for you because it's what you're used to, and you have to deal with people's reactions. You must process everything while keeping your ego in check and making time for hours of Hulu to catch up on Nikita and Bones...also American Horror Story.
So now that I have processed and am able to be proud of myself without becoming a conceited bitch....I just think I'm better than certain things....people...situations.
I look at dudes I have crushed on and am like: REALLY? I thought you were worthy of frequent bangin' and possible breakfast making?! Meh.

Then it doesn't help that when I go to stores like say...Fresh to purchase soap- love love love their soaps, lip balms, lotions (that won't kill me with orange oil), etc.- and the cashier ringing me up is looking at me like he knows me. Like he's seen me on TV...because I look like a TV star...and have been on TV (oh snap). He says he has serviced me before- HAVE NEVER MET THIS DUDE IN MY LIFE!
He is starting to creep.me.out.
A few days later, I come home to find a card from Fresh in the mail. I am thinking: ooo what is this new product you want me to try Fresh??
Instead I find the above note written to me by the cashier who...thought he knew me from somewhere....

The moral of the story is, there is a reason I think I am celeb and therefore BETTER because shit like this happens.

The Time I Went To See 'Red Tails' AKA Foolish Africans

2012-01-22T00:09:00.001-05:00

Admittedly, I did not want to see this movie. Not because I hate Black people and do not support Black films- no this was because I knew the trailers leading up to the movie would be all Tyler Perry, and ...Terrence Howard along with Ne-Yo are in this movie.
So I was real meh about it.
Then I saw commercials with explosions and my butch self got REAL excited. The peeps I went with also threw in a DELISH Thai dinner after the movie and I was like: HELLS YESSSSS!! With the promise of food and some possibly hot dudes...I went to see Red Tails.

Of course I was right, there is a NEW Tyler Perry movie coming out. Geez. Then they showed the trailer for Battleship!! What a shit show. Rihanna is in that mess. Throughout the trailer-whenever they showed her I sang 'S.O.S!!!' or 'Umbrell-ella-ella-ella ay ay ay".
I am FUN to go to the movies with. Even with the dude who sat behind us FARTING! Just think about it. My head was right around his crotch area (stadium seating). I was pissed!!

So the movie starts with impossibly bad dialogue...and then just continues with really bad dialogue. More importantly after a quote is posted about how inferior and dumb coloreds are and hence they shouldn't fight in the army, you then see some White fighter pilot dudes just get zapped by ze Germans.
OH, so Red Tails is the B movie version of the Tuskeegeee Airmen...there was a better version of their story done, this one is for this generation. A generation that idolizes Lil Wayne and Kim Kardashian.

The time is the 1940's and Whitey has finally allowed Blackie to fight the good fight...which meant not fighting at all. Just flying around shooting standing targets. No glory in that.
This sends Babywipes aka Terrence Howard into a TIZZY. He's a colonel or something so he is all in Washington letting The Man know that his men are just as qualified. Breaking Bad aka the dad from Malcolm in the Middle is a RACIST. He was all like: eff you Babywipes, Negroes ain't shit.

While back in Italy where the Tuskeegees are stationed, we get to know about them. I guess it was supposed to make us emotionally involved. It didn't. It did however make me ADD to my 'can get it' list! I called him Pseudo Denzel. He is FINEEEE!...I mean...DENZEL?! Pseudo Denzel is a drinker and feels mad pressure because...he looks like Denzel. That's a lot of swagger to handle. Pseudo Denzel is besties with this dude I call the Black Mans Dream. Black Mans Dream was an AWESOME pilot...and found himself a White woman to have by his side...hence...the Black Mans Dream.
There was Ne-Yo and METHOD MAN! Every time he came on the screen, I threw up the Wu sign and said, 'Wu Tang Clan ain't nothin' to fuck wit!'.
There was that kid from Moesha who prayed to a Black Jesus- he might've been my favorite. Then there was this kid who pretty much sucked the youth from Cuba Gooding Jr- who was also in the movie...sucking...on...a pipe. That's all he did.
Anywho, this kid looked like Cuba.
There was music and I guess deep chats. I mostly waited for the explosions...OR was holding my breath cuz the dude behind me was SHITTING HIS PANTS.

Babywipes comes through and the Tuskeegees get to show what they're working with. They do, VICTORY ALL AROUND!
I had to give Breaking Bad aka the dad from Malcolm in the Middle props because he tells Babywipes- I don't give a solid fuck what your boys did, they still ain't shit!
Babywipes did that thing he does which makes the audience go: OOOOOOOO!....but I couldn't open my mouth because the dude behind me was SHARTING!

The guys go on another mission which gets the Black Mans Dream killed and loses the young Cuba Gooding Jr. dude...who then gets captured by some Germans leading to the BEST line in the movie.
Young Cuba is about to escape from the German clutches with some White soldiers, and just as they are about to disappear into the night the White solider says to him: you're lucky, it's not like they can see you

...because it was night time and he was Black.

Oh, the second best line was when the German fighter pilots realized they were fighting Black men. One of them says: I'll get you foolish Africans!!

Best.Thing.Ever!

So everyone is sad about the Black Mans Dream dying, and just as Ne-Yo is about to sing (AGAIN)-almost causing me to leave my mouth open and let the gas from behind KILL ME- Young Cuba returns to the group and there is a group hug...and chicken.
There was no chicken.

I left the movie not HATING IT...but definitely giving it the side eye. It made me feel a certain way knowing that Black officers not only had to deal with being soldiers but that they were still treated like shit by fellow White soldiers. It made me wanna just start throwing punches around Park Slope.

Go see the movie if you like bomber jackets, aviator specs, sexy Black dudes and B movie dialogue.

Conversations with Ice: Teabag

2012-01-19T23:33:00.000-05:00

Since Ice T (the friend in my head)and Coco were in Hawaii he decided I should hang with Kanye West so that I wouldn't miss him too much. It's like comparing apples to a bag of dry yet sweaty dicks.
Thankfully it is time for them to do an exchange- yes, like a child or pet- Kanye is bringing me to the Russian Tea Room and Ice will meet us there and take me home or for a quick run through at Target.
Ice is running a little late, so I have to still chit chat with 'Ye....who has decided to only respond with: ball so hard
I don't think I need to explain how I feel about this.

Me: (while looking through a menu) Would now be considered 'high tea' time?

Kanye: Ball so hard.

Me: What?

Kanye: Ball so hard.

Me: You're really doing this?

Kanye: Ball so hard.

Me: Okay. Fine. So what did you and Drake do to each other when you pulled off your thongs and kilts?

Kanye: (pauses) ....ball...so...hard.

Me: Nice. And what did you say while deep throating Jay's (Z's) balls in the studio that one night and you coughed a lil?

Kanye: (through gritted teeth) Ball so hard.

Me: Don't be mad at me you made the choice! [Ice T joins us]

Me: ICE! (I jump up and and we hug)

Ice T: T! Hey T. Hey 'Ye...

Me: You're gonna regret that...

Kanye: Ball so hard...

Ice T: (looks at me) What the fuck is going on here?

Me: 'Ye has chosen today to just respond with 'ball so hard'. He does this sometimes. Last week it was 'Imma let you finish...'. This is what you left me with! Next time leave me alone. ALONE!

Ice T: Calm down. (turns to Kanye) I am not a violent dude, but if you mention some balls in a conversation with me again...Imma hit you.

Kanye: Y'all don't appreciate art. Y'all are real regular.

Me: Well if regular means not being a whiny asshole, then cheers to being regular! (Ice and I tap our teacups delicately)

Kanye: I just don't understand-two weeks and you didn't even ask if you could touch my dick.

Me: (I choke) Would rather ask you to design an outfit for me.

Ice T: You don't get what me and T have. It's not about touching pleasurable areas, it's about just chillin'. T, you will never have to worry about me leaving you with another bitch. I'm sorry.

Me: You better be. This shit was rough...let's go get some cheesecake or somethin'. (Ice and I leave Kanye sitting at the tearoom.)

Kanye: Y'all will be back. My dick will be touched.

Good Things I Have Put In My Mouth Lately: This Spinach App at Zerza

2012-01-16T23:19:00.000-05:00

Recently, my food club and I- *ahem* the Grub & Tug Supper Club and I ventured to Morocco by way of Zerza (East Village, NYC).
We usually order a number of appetizers, entrees and desserts...to get a real feel for the food. Or taste of it.
We go in!

This appetizer- I have forgotten the name- but it involved spinach, chickpeas, lemon, the semen of an infertile man, etc.
IT WAS SO GOOD! Just goes to show that keeping it simple always goes a long way. I could snack on this ALL DAY LONG even though I would have spinach in my teeth ALL.THE.TIME making my 'dating life' really ...uh...interesting.

Zerza has great ambiance and the rest of the food was delish. Go there, order this app, invite me, order another app and ENJOY!

Game. On.

2012-01-16T22:43:00.000-05:00

So, remember when I thought I couldn't delete my online dating profile because I forgot my password....due to a severe 'blond' moment and an informative asshat, I found that if I just changed my password, I would be RELEASED...
but...
...then I thought about it. It is 2012. I need to put myself out there and not become the recluse I am wont to be. Also, the stories...um what's the point of bloggin' about kittens n' shit. I'd rather discuss amazing feats of douchebaggery and how dudes are really strange.
Really, really strange.
So, I still have my profile- let the FUN begin!!

In other news, people want to be friends with me- I am awesome, but my deal breakers are when you're just not a well mannered decent human being. That gets me beyond pissed, I shiver with wanting to punch you in the wind pipe.
Then I get all reflective and am like...dayum, don't I come off like a person who wouldn't stand for that shit?
But because most people are so wishy-washy, and very few actually stand behind who they are- others think that you will just switch-hit during the final moments.
Woah, did you notice my baseball terminology? Did I even use it right?
Am such a butch!

Game on= online dating.

Good Things I Have Put In My Mouth Lately: Olea

2012-01-08T18:50:00.000-05:00

...deciding to break the 'angrily reflective' mood, I remembered back to the New Years Day brunch that was had at Olea (Fort Greene, Brooklyn).

Though we had to wait a bit- to be expected for such an important brunch- when we were seated, we were greeted by these...

CHOCOLATE MUTHAFUCKIN' CROISSANTS.
I have spent the better part of my week...and weekend, thinking about them croissants. Olea wanted us to start our 'healthy New Years resolutions' another day...first we HAD to have them croissants.
Silence fell upon the table. When I finally looked up after about 20 minutes of relishing that delish treat- I saw buttery smiling mouths.
We were pleased and deemed this a fantastic start to the New Year!!

Overall, Olea has great decor, good food...and them croissants! Seems to be a North African/Middle Eastern vibe going on, so if you're into freshly made hummus, get yours boo!

You Ever Had One Of Those Days

2012-01-08T16:37:00.000-05:00

...where you have no idea what you're saying or doing and you keep having flashbacks of recent moments and you begin kicking yourself because you could've said SOMETHING that would have of you out of this fuckery you're in???

I think that's a long winded way of me saying that I am pretty much done with a lot of situations and should've probably said something MONTHS ago...weeks ago..days ago...but I am not perfect.
'Fuck You' also doesn't cover EVERYTHING. Most things, but not everything.

I am glad these loooong winter months are upon us, where I shall be a recluse. In March though, am doing a weekend trip to Puerto Rico. Alone. ALONE.

...then I tried to delete my online dating account and CANNOT REMEMBER MY PASSWORD so now that shit won't go away!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Also, Pitbull. I don't know if I have really delved into how much I dislike him. He is added to the list of things that turn my smile into a frown. Well, a frown that turns into a grimace...then punching.
I really, really dislike Pitbull and might've heard him or something while I was going through this day...
Something about him and that little piece of chin hair he has. UGH!

As The Online Dating World Turns: ...Uh....Yeah

2012-01-03T23:07:00.001-05:00

Alright. I am nearing that part of the game where I kill the account- AGAIN!
Damn me.

Okay, it's not all the way me. There are a lot of lame, crazy, killa-type dudes online...and the thing is, I meet these SAME dudes in the streets, on the train, at lounges even if I am sitting in a corner alone and scowling.
I've said this before and then have deleted my account.

The latest (and not nearly greatest) is this dude who happens to be a tatted, hair stylist. My interest was piqued...till I read his introductory email-which I almost didn't read because it was written like this:

hello I'm going to try my hand at being somewhat sane...BUT I AM REALLY CRAZY AND WILL SHOW YOU BY WRITING THE REST OF THIS MESSAGE IN ALL CAPS!

Which is what he did.

He also mentioned me in liquid leggings, me being his ace and his moms-not that he wanted me to be his mami, but that I seemed like someone he could tell his moms about.
What?
Dude you really don't know if I had 10 kinds of dicks in my mouth the night before AFTER killing a basket of kittens...and you mentioning moms?
Because I like to keep myself entertained and feel I am worthy enough to bring home to moms, so I reply back to him mentioning that his email was a tad overwhelming and that I would rather eat dirty needles than wear liquid leggings (something about seeing too too many sluts in them).
I figured maybe he was nervous and that I could pull that lil bit of sanity out of him.
I was wrong.
He attempted humor and delved deeper into insanity so I decided to just stop responding because I don't want to end up being dead chick in a Lifetime movie.

So that happened and the one dude that was cool wants to be....friends.
Yeah.
Then I am waiting for the train contemplating an island get-a-way when I see thee best looking dude I have seen in a minute! He was out of this world-with lips....and he got off of the train he was on so he could wait on the platform with me, but I had to get on the train because I was cold and had a Chopped (best show on Food Network) to watch.
I know it was supposed to end with digits exchanged and his lips somewhere near my neck BUT this is ME and I get so focused on non-cockly things....which is another reason why I am single.

Anyways, this all leads me to being like- THE HELL WITH THIS! Will give this online thing maybe 1 more month and then DAS IT. Imma just do me- which means meeting these same types of dudes in life and going straight 'predator mode on that ass' (as Ru says).

....just means cats and more cats.

More Perspective.

2012-01-03T21:57:00.001-05:00

2012 is proving to be as BIG as I think it is. My cousin who was as good as done, on life support- now has made a wonderful turn for the better. Like a miracle. He is off life support and is fighting!!

2012 is a beast!

I'm telling you 3 people that read this- shit is real, and anything is possible!

Get. Yours.

Perspective.

2012-01-02T14:27:00.000-05:00

Sometimes things happen that make you realize you are on the right track- like when I said that 2012 was going to the year of the honey badger, which means living, yo. Living and not suffering fools.
I was in the process of getting caught up in some nonsense when I get news that my youngish cousin-while out enjoying the first day of the new year- suffered 2 brain aneurysms. Today he is on life support and will most likely be unplugged (i.e. technically dead) this week.

That's how quick it can all go away. You're celebrating Christmas...then New Years (going hard like I was)...then BOOM, you're gone.

So seriously folks, you better get it in and fuck (not literally) whoever is not with program.

More or Less in 2012

2011-12-31T12:24:00.000-05:00

Oh 2011 you flip floppy bitch!
A year of interesting palindromes and changes. A roller-coaster year. I can't say I am sad to see it go, but then again I have seen so much growth within myself and people around me, but then there's been the hard shit.
Have to say, the hard shit might be okay because it keeps one from being a shallow, lack of substance twat like most people nowadays.
All about the superficial, the cool and taking no accountability for their actions.

Anywho, this is my list of what I wanna see more of and less of in 2012...

More of the awesome!

Less of the lame.

More good times!

Less death of peeps like Heavy D, Patrice O'Neal and Amy Winehouse....though there won't be much from that because they have died already though. Hmm.

More awesome TV show about vampire zombies children who at war with the werewolves on an abandoned island run by ninja robots!!

Pretty much it's like Ru says. We are living like honey badgers and honey badgers don't give a shit! Not in that inconsiderate way, more of either you're with it or you're not. We taking what's ours and if you're being an asshole, you're gonna get left in the dust!!

2012!!!!!!

Good Things I Have Put In My Mouth Lately: Alchemy

2011-12-26T16:48:00.000-05:00

There are days when you go out for a nice lunch that turns into amazing conversations, drinks and many desserts.
This happened one Saturday when I went to meet up with LBee and Emily at Alchemy (Park Slope, Brooklyn). I've heard they make some great brussel sprouts- which I am suddenly into. We started with the brussel sprouts, then I had a turkey burger and then we ordered 3 desserts. All were delicious, but the thing that made my heart flutter and perhaps made we tell one too many unflattering stories about myself because I had two...had to be the dark and stormy's.
They were just extra gingery goodness! Smooth with a bite (kinda like me).

Alchemy has some good chill vibes and not a lot of people of color-if you're into that sort of thing. Maybe the nighttime scene is different, but I have a feeling this is a spot for Black chicks to hit on White dudes with their iPads, flannels and beards. This means I will go back in the Spring to prepare me for White Boy Summer!
For the Winter though, I'll go back for them dark & stormy's!

As The Online Dating World Turns: The Killer vs The Wordsmith

2011-12-19T23:31:00.001-05:00

Yeah folks, I am still online. I wouldn't exactly call it dating, it is more like keeping myself entertained.
With online dating, it is all about the opening email and then the subsequent exchange. Eventually that grows into a date and hopefully not your body cut into tidbits and put into lil baggies and then scattered about Prospect Park. These two guys are examples about how you don't get to find out what 'cashmere' is allll about...or at least not get a snarky message from me.

The Killer

This dude started with the usual: you're hot and I want to get to know you better.
I am all like: okay. Then I check out his profile. He was coming with the same dick poetry in his summaries about himself. Basically saying all the things he thinks women wanna hear like: I'll eat you out endlessly.
The only thing was...his pic. His ONE pic. It was of him far away. His face in profile...that was kind of blurred.
So I asked him what he planned to do with my body after he killed me. I thought that was a VALID question.
He laughed...well lol'd and wondered why I would ever think that.
I let him know that I am perceptive and can just tell. He then explained that I had a one track mind and that he still thinks I am swell.
I ended it with a: THANKS KILLA!

The Wordsmith

Since I don't have ass shots and my summary about myself reflects me and my awesomeness. Showcasing my sense of humor and ability to put sentences together. This attracts the dude who wants to SHOW me. I haven't figured out what though. So, this dude messages me responding to various things I wrote in my profile- he copied and pastes shit, yo!
After reading the email a few times, in his over worded way he was trying to be funny by being snarky and commenting on my shit...but also wanted to let me know he'd like to place himself gently inside of me.
I asked if he was trying to just offend me or was some charm thrown into that?
He let me know in another long email about- well I don't know what it was about because I stopped reading it half-way through.
Listen, I enjoy a well written anything that shows a persons personality...but not if you insist upon yourself (stole that one from Harry who says that a lot about people and art). I don't think I am the wordiest, wittiest bitch out there so don't try to impress me with some bullshit that just makes me delete you and then blog about your wack ass.

And Then I Took My Earrings Off!

2011-12-17T17:06:00.001-05:00

I don't pretend to be some gangsta bitch-mostly because I am vain and would rather spend hours in Sephora deciding what blue eyeliner works best with my chocolate brown eyes.
This doesn't mean that if/when people get out of line with me that I won't proceed to: attempt to punch them in the throat, tell them in explicit details about themselves, kick them in the shins, tell them about themselves in explicit details while kicking and punching them.
Then there are the times I get real BROOKLYN on dat assssssss. Something comes over me and my true "blackness" comes out. It is a time when I stop being (ethnically) ambiguous and things start getting real!

So last night I was at a friends birthday party at a bar in Brooklyn. Things were chill and times were good...but then a bitch always has to show up and be ruiner of good times.
This butta-faced twat looked down on Brooklyn (she lives in the Bronx)and insulted my friends because she is a horrible person and an unattractive cunt. Then I realized that when she was calling Brooklyn ghetto (we were on friggin' 4th ave and Sackett street!!!! which to those who don't know is about as ghetto as a darkened Apple store)she was looking at me dead in my eyes! That bitch!
Luckily for her I was 'locked in' in a booth so I couldn't get out and let my foot have access to her ass.
My BROOKLYN came out...and there was neck twisting, finger snapping- Harry (everyones favorite Jewish gay hater) said it was like watching a Tyler Perry movie. Things got serious when I took my earrings off!!
I had on mini door knocker earrings which made me EXTREMELY Brooklyn! Ahh!! I took them off and mentioned kicking her ass up and down 4th avenue. Admittedly I had a lot of vodka last night.

It was very entertaining seeing-well hearing that part of myself. The moral of the story though, is that bitches like that need to get punched or they will continue with their bitchery...and when the earrings come off shit will forever be really real!

The Place Where I Work:...And That's How It's Done

2011-12-11T23:31:00.000-05:00

This will be a profound tale of GOOD vs. EVIL!

We know I haven't been writing about work simply because it became my job! Like with temping there was a new adventure EVERYDAY, at the job...it's dry vagina's ALL the time.
The doc I work for specializes in helping men and women feel great, youthful, helping with weight, some psychology shit...but mostly it's about women trying to keep their vaginas moist.
Sure it's more than that but this is me and how I condense things down to the meat n' potatoes.
Anywho, this not about DRY VAGINAS this is about GOOD Vs. EVIL!!!!!!!!!!!
Remember Ruddy Kors? He was the WORST. He couldn't write a sentence even if it was written on a dick and mostly used his computer to search gay dating sites and porn. He slept at work- we have this couch and he would use it to nap during the day.
This was all when the doc wasn't around. When she was, he play pretended like he did shit. Mostly sitting on the phone or taking credit for work someone else did. To make himself look better he would then take credit AND THEN throw that person under the bus by lying on them.
It was INCREDIBLE!
Imagine going to work everyday with this person and feeling like you can't say anything because you don't want to run screaming into the doc you respects office: FUCK! FUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCKKKK ! HATE HIM!!!!!! AHHHHH!!
That wouldn't get you too far. Might even get you fired.
You begin to dread work. Dread so much you need a mental health day which really means you want to kill someone in your office and need to send out some resumes.

Suddenly though. Things fall into place. Timing is really EVERYTHING. The doc began seeing things for herself and then one by one we soldiers of GOOD sat with her and explained just how horrible Ruddy Kors is.
After asking us WHY we waited so long to let her know, she thought on it and a day later she terminated Ruddy Kors.
Like the end. Good bye. Peace bitch!

In all my years of working in office environments, EVIL has always won. Always. To see Good win, was like nothing I have ever seen or felt.
My entire being feels different.
I AM USING TERMS LIKE: MY ENTIRE BEING.

I feel like a new woman and like dreams can come true! I feel brand new. I feel like myself again...this means the best bitch you know is BACK!

Act accordingly.

My Recap of Breaking Dawn AKA Busted Bleeding Vag

2011-12-01T23:33:00.004-05:00

Where to begin? Probably with my reasoning for seeing this feat of imagination and Mormon fuckery.
The answer is simple- I have read all of the books and have seen all of the movies up until now. Not because I am a Twi-hard, it is because the films (like the books) are ridiculously entertaining. The movies are made more entertaining by me and my peeps remarks while seeing the film- I know you're thinking 'well you're Black so OF COURSE you talk during the movie' and to that I say a festive: FUCK YOU!!

I have to say, if you haven't read the books: DO NOT SEE THIS MOVIE because the utter ridiculousness of it all will be unfathomable.

-The film begins with the usual Bella spouting poetry n' some shit- basically Stephanie Meyer trying seem like she has some kind credibility. DO NOT get me started on Meyer as a writer. It involves a lot of curse words and fists flailing.
So they're preparing for the nuptials of 18 year old Bella Swan and 100 something Edward cullen. All I know is that EVERYONE in the film got a fuckin' makeover. Their gear is tight. Hair is all swell. Even the makeup-except the vamps. This leads to my BIGGEST gripe- like how do people stand around these ill complexioned vampires with WEIRD eyes and NOT notice that they ARE VAMPIRES????
Then again I am watching a film about some vamps and werewolves...and demon babies!

-Edward and Bella get married. She was nervous because I mean...she's marrying a fucking vampire who won't even fingerbang her because of her 'virtue'??!! (MORMONS) This ain't TrueBlood, bitches.
Now this whole time Jacob has been a werewolf because he's pissed about Bella getting married- because of course every dude within a 2 mile radius enjoys her awkward stuttering dickiness.
Jacob shows up at the reception making Bella very pleased...then Jacob gets all up in her bizness and finds out she going to be slidin' down (and around) Edwards cold, hard Depression wang.
Jacobs angrily yells: "You're going to KILL HER" and I said so eloquently: "With his dick."

-HONEYMOON TIME! This is basically why anyone paid any money for this film. E&B hit up Brazil and go to their own private island-which is something I want. An island all to myself where I can writhe around nekked n' shit. It will be called the Isle of Cock.
Anyways, THEY BANG. The bed gets BROKE.DOWN. We saw no wang or vag- kinda like Immortals. I paid SEVENTEEN DOLLARS for some 3D COCKLESS film. Sure, Henry Cavill and Luke Evans are bangable-BUT COME ON!
....I did not expect French styled fornication in this film-and then of course because this is based on a book written talentless MORMON- Edward didn't wanna touch Bella again because she was bruised from their initial interspecies love. Them bruises just look like the spoils of war...or some goooooooooooooood deep dickin' which was exactly what Bella needed because she became slightly less annoying.

-Bella GETS PREGNANT after having sex twice and Edward was all like: fuck whatever is inside you. ABORTION!! (woah...MORMON??)
Bella is like: nah boo. I am dropping your seed.
Then they go back to Forks and then Jacob N' His Wolf Pack find out that Bella is having DemonChild 2011!!!
Jacob gets PISSED.
My thing is, when are we just gonna say Jacob is Bella's gay bestie (which every girl needs!). That dude has that look of cock love in his eyes.
...so the baby is KILLING Bella because it is DemonChild 2011!!! Then Bella drank blood and all was well. Yeah, she hasn't turned into a vamp...it's just what DemonChild 2011 WANTSSSSS!

-Now, I was worried about the whole birth scene because supposedly people have DIED watching it.
I didn't die, and BrooklynKat even said it was tastefully done. They put some type of cherry colored cottage cheese on the baby and then was just a lil blood around Bella covered vag area.
But OH NO, right after seeing her baby named-a girl- Renessme....Bella dies!! Edward pumps vampire venom (not with his cock)into her and bites the shit out of her.
Jacob freaks the fuck out and cries a lot. Then his Wolfpack finds out Bella is dead and DemonChild 2011 is ALIVE!
OHHH WAIT....I forgot a very important scene where I mouthed:this is the best movie ever!- so the wolves were in wolf form and talking to each other WITH THEIR MINDS!!! It sounded like an episode of Voltron with WOLVES!!!
So there's a BIG wolf/vamp fight, but while this is going on Jacob is going to kill DemonChild 2011!! Then he looks into the babies eyes...which were oddly cg'd and kinda creepy and he see's her grow up and he's all wolfy and IN LOVE with her.
He imprinted.
He also came in his pants because he was REALLY thinking of Edwards cold hard shaft nestling in his wolfy fur.
What is imprinting? It's when a wolf dude sees a chick and is intensely smitten. It is their soul mate.
Creepster bullshit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Jacob stops the fight by telling all of them that he will eventually fuck DemonCH-Renessme so they needs to step off! The Wolf Pack does...and then we have to go back to caring about Bella becoming a vampire.

She opens her red new born vamp eyes...and the movies ENDS.

-As much as this film saga is the WORST THING EVER, it is highly entertaining and made better by perverse comments and truly suspending your taste levels. You should also never watch these movies hungry. BrooklynKat and I ate some great diner food pre-movie.
This was ONLY PART 1!!!!!!!!! Ah cannot wait for PART 2!!

As The Online Dating World Turns: Acceptance

2011-11-27T14:47:00.000-05:00

I sit here full of good cheer and oyster stuffing, and feeling rather reflective. A month ago I decided to sign back onto online dating because...why not?
We know my reasoning involves: me sharing my fabulousness with someone deserving and special, answering the age old question of why I am single, putting myself out there because I'd rather not, AND excellent blogging material.
This time would be different and less 'ride or die' because I have accepted that I may never marry or have kids and that is OKAY. NOT everyone is meant to do it and it won't make my life any less fulfilling- I am NOT saying that I don't want these things, but I just won't beat myself up about it or feel a certain way.
I'll allow others to feel a certain way, and they will, and I will choose not to give a fuck.

In any case, I am back online. Of course, the first week I am bamboozled by weirdos, maybe 1 guy with potential. We emailed a few times and then nothing. I figured he has seen my amazing personality and my...um, BEAUTY...so he should suggest a hang out or something.
Very traditional for me, I know, but I am feeling lazy and just like...whatevs. Plus, let him ask...he'll feel better about it.
So this became a trend. Dudes and I just writing..or saying a few choice things- that's if I responded. You see, I learned to NOT respond if the dude was creepy, disgusting or seemed like he dipped his shaved ballsac in Aramis cologne.
Not responding will keep me from shutting down my account and therefore having my friends look at me with knowing looks- knowing that I should maybe turn to an aggressive lesbot.
Then I started getting messages from dudes who were like: I know you wouldn't be into me, but I had to write you anyway because you seem great and are so good looking.
Really?! That is not attractive! Also, you won't make me question my shallowness or prove that I am some great person by chatting with you.
Let's be real- I am a profound asshole, a great person, but an asshole with nothing to prove! So no, I will not message you back out of sympathy. Fuck it. I have no time for bitches!

As you can see, this will be a very interesting winter.

Conversations with Ice: Occupy My Vagina

2011-11-14T23:13:00.001-05:00

So Ice T (my friend in my head) and I decide to go check out Occupy Wall Street-the smells, the people, the movement. Mostly we went to point and laugh...and have Ice play-pretend he's (Detective) Finn and try to arrest peeps.
After chit chatting with Russell Simmons- who was scouting for some unseen talent i.e. model looking females, and grabbing croissant sandwiches at Au Bon Pain with Kanye Wes, Ice then came up with an idea...

Ice T: T...stop mumbling 'hippie' and kicking at people- I wanna propose something-

Me: Woah, Ice...aren't you 'n Coco like 20 years strong?

Ice T: Calm down, homewrecker. I wanna propose something for you and your underused, overly promoted vagina-

Me: Dayum Ice, why you thinkin' about my pooonaaaniii?

Ice T: Please don't ever say that word again. Listen, I am just looking out for a friend-I mean look at this Occupy Wall Street thing. Bunch of people not really saying or doing anything, just hanging around. Maybe marching....basically a bunch of white people trying to bring the 60's back-

Me: Like sexy back?

Ice T: See, this is what I mean- you have that white appeal...and your moist vaginal years are few n' far between-

Me: Now you never say 'vaginal' again!

Ice T: What I'm saying is we start a movement- we Occupy Your Vagina. I think you're worth protests-

Me: Wait...so you want various people sleeping in...my...vagina?

Ice T: I'm just saying you should have a vagina movement.

Me: So...my vag is like the 1%...which is true-

Ice T: Shit, this is going to get complicated.

Me: It IS complicated hence why my vag is unoccupied. (we hi-5)

Ice T: Nice one.

Me: Thanks for thinking about me and sugar walls, but I think it's going to be okay.

Ice T: There's always, Kanye...

Me: Well when my vagina turns into a dick, then yes, there is always Kanye! (we hi-5 again)

Ice T: You're on fire- and one day your vagina will be-

Me: Damn Ice. Way to ruin a moment.

Ice T: I think I said vagina too much. Let's stop and go tell Kanye how great his clothing line is!

Me: Yes. Imma tell him all my friends who drag LOVE it! (we hi-5 and then break out into a Kid N' Play style dance move)

Me: Wait I just thought of something-you ARE the solution to my cold coochie problem-

Ice T: Woah, T...I mean you're great but I'm married-

Me: Ice! I am talking about your fine ass blasian son!

Ice T: Fall back, T.

Me: He's young. Tender. Blasian.

Ice T: My son.

Me: You like me. I'm great. How great will it be?! He won't need to jack off in movie theaters...

Ice T: Let's go find Kanye.

Me: But Ice...come on...Ice...Ice...Daddy In Law....Grandpa...Ice?!...

The End.

Dicked. Down.

2011-11-12T23:31:00.000-05:00

Usually when a woman as sexy and amazing as myself goes 'missing' both physically and mentally, people usually think it involves getting deeply dicked.
This is ME though, so that is sadly not the case.
It's not that I can't get it, it just has to be right and not creepy, bitch-made, an asshat, typical dick, etc.
...anyways, my absence stems from just A LOT OF SHIT going on all at once. Since stress isn't healthy and I was feeling stresses I decided to take stock of my situation. Why am I feeling overwhelmed, what would have to be eliminated or am I just being a flaky twat (which if you think about it is really gross).

Though I needed to sac up and get my shit done on my terms, I also needed to place less importance in certain people.
I have this thing- you may have noticed it with the dudes I like. You know the dudes who could really give a FUCK about me. It's not my low self esteem that causes me to like these champs (sarcasm for dumbasses), it's my lack of knowing what I want or thinking I want something that really isn't the case- meaning I let my imagination create the fine idea of these dudes instead of who they are in reality. Which isn't always fuckable.
I kinda do the same thing with people, even ones who aren't dumbasses. I place importance in them or situations when they could really give a fuck. Sometimes they don't even like me but keep me around because I am awesome- which I can understand because I am awesome, but dude come on. I have like many people who are awesome and I am awesome and we are awesome together so fuck you. That is you in the plural.

All this 'adjusting' has led to me not writing ANYTHING but blurbs. I have literally tried to write awesome blogs but could only get 2 sentences out.
Sad times....

A few things I am working on and need to share-

holiday seasonal thoughts!

am back on to online dating!

I have given someone one of my funny nicknames where they don't know I call them this and now I cannot remember their real name!

WALKING DEAD!

Epiphany crush where I realized that I have had a crush on someone for years but never realized it till like 3 months ago.

I turned to B one day and said that I was still sad about Amy Winehouse being dead. Like a deep sadness.

My cat (not my vagina) has been sick and it has almost been too much.

There is a psychology to being thinner-and I wasn't obese and didn't even know how overweight I was till I lost weight. Crazy times.

...and much more! Have a lot of catching up to do. Also, during a long walk today I had some amazing writing ideas.

Guess who's bizzack!!

I Was Amy Winehouse For Halloween

2011-11-01T22:46:00.000-04:00

Yep.
That's all.

Good Things I Have Put In My Mouth Lately-Delicatessen

2011-10-26T22:01:00.001-04:00

Sure, I have walked by Delicatessen (Soho,New York City) and have shaken my head: NO WAY!
It seemed like a scene. A place where 'pretty people' go to eat- well drink and play like they eat.
Then I had friends to show around town and we were in Soho...so I figured: why not give it a chance for the people to see pretty people.

Then I saw this on the menu....

...well not the pic actually, I just saw that there was a whole section dedicated to MAC N' CHEESE!! This is when I realized that I could be okay with pretty people and a scene. Actually, there was nice ambiance....and MAC N' CHEESE!
I chose the Mac' Lobstah...it was delightful.
Okay, besides the Mac' Lobstah, our waiter was FINE. I noticed he was not the only hot dude working there-good food AND hot dudes. Gonna pull an A.Schwarz: I'll be back!

My friend G-Money got a burger topped with pork belly.
WORD!

I know it was good because G-Moolah stopped speaking. I literally said a sentence, put a forkful of Mac Lobstah goodness in my mouth, and then turned to look at him and that burger was Swayze, yo!
Impressive.

Sometimes I am not always right-rare- but true. Delicatessen was good eating and chill vibes. The dudes were hot. I didn't try to give any my number so I can definitely go back! WOOT!

The Sound of Love....- Lust

2011-10-15T00:35:00.000-04:00

Way back in May (of this year) I bought NY Knicks headphones. They were AWESOME. They were Amare Stoudemaire headphones. I loved them.
Then they broke...
Before you say: you have a large head you big headed bitch!
I do not!! I am just rough with my headphones. I don't just DJ with them (or DJ at ALL with them), I throw them in my bag which is filled with books, Purell, and the numbers of dudes who were FEELIN' my headphones. *sigh* All the wang I bagged.
Then they broke...
Not even 6 months old!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Needless to say I was sad. Sad. Luckily it was summer so I got over it. I mean, it's was way too hot to wear big headphones.
As Fall approached though, I thought about my cold little winter ears. *sigh* I do have small ears which don't hold earbuds well. I thought about them being red. Cold. Earbuds falling out. Awww.
Thankfully, no one wants to see that.

It was suggested to me back when I went to purchase my Knicks headphones that I should head to Park Avenue Audio (NYC) for some Grado headphones.
Being the stubborn ass I am (the best) I was all like- whatevs.
Then the Knicks headphones broke and I remembered Grado.
So I did my research, and being a pseudo sound nerd, I was all like HELLS YEAH. They look real old school and more importantly they ARE.NOT. Beats by Dre headphones. They are also BROOKLYN made...like myself.
So, I roll to Park Avenue Audio and CANNOT. FIND. IT.
I walked the streets like a non-seasoned hooker...looking for the place. As a native New Yorker, I was sad.
Today I not only felt sad. I felt ashamed. See, today I FOUND Park Ave. Audio. You know how I found it? I wasn't walking up and down FIFTH AVENUE like before!!!
*moment of silence*
The only excuse I can give is that it was after a DAY at work and I utilize my brain so, so much for my wit n' shit...sometimes things slip through the cracks...like the difference between FIFTH AVENUE and PARK AVENUE!
I grew.up.in.this.city- I have worked on Park Avenue....ahhhhh, I'll stop.

The lighting in Park Ave. Audio could be called 'mood lighting'- it's dark, but not like creeper dark. Dark, yet still light. Hard to explain.
Anyways, I roll in...all frizzed and wet from the rain. There's me, some Law & Order playing on one TV, and 2 dudes repairing a stereo looking thing. They both look up and say 'hello'-one though, the one that made my cheeks burn with desire. We'll call him Stallion (of course he's Italian- could tell by the accent and smoldering looks) let his hello and stare linger.
Sure, Stallion was dressed like he was about to go hike some trail (in Italy I hope), but he was just so damn HOT. Like not pretty, friggin' handsome- then again...he just had these lips.

...where was I?
Stallion decides he's going to help me. Wanting to sound like I knew what the fuck I was talking about (which I do most of the time), I ask for some Grado headphones by SERIAL NUMBER! Yeahhhhh booyyyy.
Stallion smiles (amazing) and is all like okay, it'll take a bit because they specially make each one...blah blah.
I stopped listening- though still watched his lips move. I began thinking: hmmm, thought I would spend 100- 200 bucks....AND they specially make them?!
I lean forward on the counter- uh, how much is that total?
He says something along the lines of OVER A THOUSAND DOLLARS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I chuckle and say oh no no. I don't want those. We then spend 20 mins discussing my roughness with headphones, working my way up the Grado system, Amy Winehouse, employers and your Facebook, New York City being generic not having enough trannies, clever email names, etc.
He laughed at my jokes even though I saw how disinterested in me was after he saw that I smell nice, have good skin...but I am not a rich bitch. No thousand dollar headphones for me.

Basically, Stallion and I were falling in love. I could tell by the time I signed the credit card receipt, that he wanted to hold me close and gently place his parmesan regiano all up on my grits!
Sadly-yet happily, I just left with my new headphones-and knowing that Stallion has my email address, and will think of me...FOREVER.

This Really Happened

2011-10-04T23:07:00.000-04:00

After seeing the Kardashian's in the audience of Dancing With The Stars (do not fucking ask WHY I'm watching this AND have crushes on J.R. Martinez and David Arquette-LIKE WHEN did he become sexy. WTF is happening to me???????????????)- so my mom sees them Kard-ASS-hians and says.....

Mom: That's it. You're broke and in your 30's, get on Twitter and find out who you have to sleep with to get rich and famous!

Me: Excuse me?

Mom: Find out who you have to sleep with to get famous. That Kardashian whore slept with Ray J! RAY J!

Me: I know! It is too late to bring up this angst...

Mom: Here I have a beautiful daughter who's camera friendly, you're talented! You're also broke. Time to get rich- go sleep with someone. I give you my permission.

Me: I'm gonna go....not sleep with someone.

....honestly, I have given the 'puttin' the nan on Twitter' some thought, but if Kim could get famous from Ray J, what low life would I have to bone??? AHHHHHHH! One of them Jersey Shore assholes? Ja Rule???
The main thing is my mom has given up on me and thinks whoring is the way to go. *sigh*

Mind Games.

2011-10-03T23:17:00.000-04:00

With all that is going on in the world the one thing that is giving me an uneasy feeling is that damn new Paranormal Activity commercial!
Let's not think I saw the first or second Paranormal movies- you see after The Ring, my bitchassedness rose up.
The truly complex part is I LOVES me a scary movie...but that psychological, shadowy, camera trick shit- or just that Grudge sound ( though I proceeded to answer my phone with that sound for a week because even fear doesn't stifle my fuckery), fucks with my mental. After seeing The Grudge (1&2, because I tried to fight the bitchassedness), I thought every shadow in my apartment was that hair coming for me! Seriously, I hardly slept for a few days. This is the first time I am admitting that.
It's all that psychological shit that gets me. I can watch 15 people get gutted, but fucks with my mind and I am DONE.
It's because I am so mental...and smart...and intellectual n' shit.
....so, just the commercials where the little girls are saying 'bloody mary' and then that bitch appears!!!
SEEE, I have dumped friends for trying that 'candyman' shit. I don't play them kinda reindeer games.

In conclusion, I will NOT be ever seeing that Paranormal Activities business and I am excited for Halloween!!!

Beats In L.A.

2011-09-20T23:23:00.000-04:00

I haven't said too much about my LA trip because it was chilllll and mostly for work...but there was some play- but it was LA.
I understand the animal that LA is. It was just intensified because I had to deal with TV people- keep your slacks on, the world isn't ready for me on TV...my own sitcom that would show me eating various desserts off of hot dudes while saying snarky shit.
Anyways, I mostly laid by a pool and went to the Westfield Mall. Chill times- well when I wasn't plotting peoples deaths.
It's pretty general to say that people in LA are fake- but.it.is.true. (to an extent)
Also note, I haven't met EVERYONE in LA (thank hay-sus)...but I feel comfortable with my belief.
Every person that approached me wasn't just being friendly, they were trying to figure out why my (amazingly good lookin') Black ass was where I was. Was I someone???!! By day 2 I started my conversations by saying 'I am no one'- reminds when Buffy (The Vampire Slayer) ran away after killing Angel and then became Anne....-long story...
People would then walk away from me. Seriously. They would just walk away. Because I am a NOBODY!!!
...though if I had a pair of Beats by Dre headphones I would've been told to 'run them headphones' resulting in me having no headphones and losing my Brooklyn credibilities by getting ROBBED in LA- and not Compton, I was staying near Beverly Hills, yo!
Anyways, it seems that them headphones are what the streets want! Every time I turned on the news someone was getting jacked-WAIT getting beat for them BEATS! HA!
Yes, I sat in my hotel room eating cashew nuts coming up with various headlines about this audio thievery. It entertained me till I went to lay by the pool again.

All in all, LA was cool and I didn't punch anyone. Still winning!

Twat!

2011-09-18T21:56:00.000-04:00

So, I have given in and am on Twitter now- next step to into douchedom- getting an iPhone! Follow me if you choose: @ChronofCashmere- you'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll wish to un-follow me soon enough.

I am trying to be selective about who I'm following. Some are friends and soon to be lovers and most are people I enjoy and don't want to set on fire!

So far so good though- cannot wait till I get into Twitter beef!!!!!

Good Things I Have Put In My Mouth Lately- Meat.Butter.

2011-09-15T16:21:00.000-04:00

Though not excited about having to venture to Williamsburg, Brooklyn AKA land of various rape scenes and bedbugs, and filled with people I mostly hate (except the ones I don't)- I ventured to Fatty 'Cue. I went because I was invited by Ru and for him, I'll go.
Listen, you give me good company and promise me good food- I.Am.There.
So off I go. Off the L train and up Bedford Avenue. Not punching the various peeps I wanted to punch, just listening to some Adele and Salt n' Pepa and making my way. Even stumbled upon Boricua College (THIS EXISTS)...mostly cuz I stumbled in the wrong direction. May take a course there and hopefully not be impregnated (because my thighs and Latin dudes = insta-germination).

Anyways, I get there and wait in front for the gang to arrive...suddenly he appears. Falcide (Fake Alicide from True Blood). He is a waiter and there is a seating area outside of the restaraunt too.
Our eyes meet and there was twinkling and smiles. I almost drop my phone-and also forget about Ru who called me all lost...
After a few 'eye dances', he smiles and says 'hello'. I smile and mumble something-then I buck up and ask about our reservation and if anyone else is here. He does a thorough search letting me know I am the first one there and our table is ready. Awesome.
Let me describe him...he looks like Alcide from TrueBlood except with shorter hair! The same height, build- this dude was wearing a Mets shirt (which made me smirk). He had tatts-and not asshole tatts, dude tatts. His lips were ridiculous! Ahh...hmm OH YEAH- the food.

This was sort of a celebration for me (in my mind) because doing my diet/cleanse proved that I have discipline and can basically do anything. So I was going in-moderately though.
Sadly, our waiter was NOT Falcide, it was this other guy who was pretty awesome. He loved us so much he gave us all free drink tickets beacuse...we're awesome.

There were 5 of us, so we decided to order fam-lay style and just go in. -
First at the bar as I tried to recover from the 'hot dude' dry mouth I was suffering from, I decided to get some Young Tender Coconut to drink from- that is what the drink is called. You can get it with rum or not...

I opted to NOT drink my calories and eat BACON...mostly though I wanted to not have the rum because it would've resulted in me dry humping Falcide.

Honestly, I didn't take a lot of pics because I was busy eating. Here's a shot of the chicken with this delish peanut sauce. Next to it is this eggplant dip and crudite. Mmm mmm

We also had the fried okra that came with some kind of cheese. It was pretty delish...

We also ordered a bacon curry dish, some ribs, a pork belly noodle dish and the creme de la creme- 2 kinds of brisket with steam buns. OMG! That shit blew.my.mind!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The thing that blew my loins was the meat butter...which was very fittingly delivered by Falcide (who was not our waiter but just wanted to allign himself with my cooch)!!!
I have described this before-meat juices done all clarified butter style. They serve this with 'Texas' sized toast! It made me giggle, it made me cry and it (along with Falcide) made me moist. The waiter said he was going to steal my name for it: meat butter. Falcide seemed pretty impressed too...Ru noticed how I was (trying) seducing him with my eyes. Mostly, I probably looked constipated and anxious.

There was no dessert having because our greedy asses were FULL!
...well I had a certain kind of dessert in mind involving Falcide on my boooooooooooooooooody. So, I slipped him my digits- I KNOW, so bold of this punk (i.e. me), but I figure: who gives a fuck? I mean he could have no interest (i.e. bad taste) but what the hell do I care? He's hot and works around meat- I'm in.

So far no call though.- Okay, I may have put my number and NOT my name because I was that nervous. (punk ass) I also wrote that I was not slutty which may not be a selling point for some dudes.

Anywho, the aftermath of this amazing meal...

I highly reccomend that if you happen to like bed bugs, hipsters and MEAT- go to Fatty 'Cue (there is also one in the WEST VILLAGE)! The food was pretty legit and there is a waiter that looks like Alcide.

True Blood Season 4 -The Rundown AKA Season of The Meth Cooch

2011-09-12T23:11:00.001-04:00

When the season started I was all down for a 3 way involving me, Eric and Alcide.
That hasn't changed-though things were shaky when Eric started banging Sookie. Sure, he lost his memory too so he wasn't all gnarly leather wearing Eric with a smirk and an overbite.

Anyways, here is my True Blood Season 4 Rundown:

- So we know that Sookie was with Bill but was having sexual fantasies about Eric (who wouldn't) then Bill betrayed her or something and lil ole Sook's oooch was missing some cold dong.
Enter the witches. Marni, a nerdy witch, summons some old witch Antonia who's like: I'm dirty, vamps raped me, imma speak in some Latin and make these bitches walk in the sun.
Eric gets cursed with memory loss because he bit the shit out of Marni then she let Antonia run up in her and turned this bitch out- well Eric out who in turn turned Sookie out. Cold dong-less NO MORE!
...but seriously, those sex scenes?? Ridiculous. Even made me uncomfortable- I am all like: boo your hubby is on this show watching you dry hump some Swede? damn.
One scene involved a bed in the middle of the Lord of the Rings Fae-Land forest! There was snow n' shit. I was done. It soon became about me wanting Eric to get his memory back.
Then I didn't care because the whole build up of the season was the supposed FIGHT over Sookie between Bill and Eric. WHY? I mean really? Sookie? She is as smart as a craw fish (Lousianna y'all), screams and cries all the time- okay she is part fairy which make the vamps go wild but then m'boo Alcide...

He totally tells Sookie that he'd like impale her with his 'big bad wolf'. WHAT.THE.FUCK???
I don't see her appeal? She can read minds? Shit, I read books!- speaking of books, this series is so left field of the Sookie Stackhouse series by Charlaine Harris that I watch it just to see what the hell are they going to not do like the book now...

Yeah so this season was about everyone wanting Sookie. She doesn't choose Eric or Bill (we don't know about Alcide)- best thing that happened all season- well one of the 2 best things that happened- Eric and Bill wearing matching bathrobes.

Ugh...who cares? Just hope Sookie doesn't get with Alcide then ALMOST ruin him for me too!

I say almost because once Eric got his memory back (thanks to Sookie and her fairy cooch fingers)(also the second best thing of the season) he ripped out a dudes heart and proceeded to sip blood from the heart using one of the ventricles as a STRAW. AHHHHHHHHH! That was amazing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It's the simple things.

So yeah...Sookie is dead dong-less again, Eric is back to wearing leather jackets, Bill who went through a 'being a dick' phase became lovable normally annoying Bill who sounds like an overseer (he makes my inner house slave shiver)and they killed the witch who became a ghost...that entered Lafayette's body!

-So...yeah...Lafayette is a MEDIUM! Like Whoopi Goldberg in Ghost-

Even down to the horrible wigs- no, but seriously what was going on with Lafayette's hair this season???? He had Coolio braids, a beaded corn rowed mohawk...just horrible, horrible shit! Luckily I'll always love me some Lafayette so it wasn't an Eric situation where I thought about him meeting the true death-especially during them long lovey dovey chats with Snookie (ha, it's the best when he calls her that).
Anyways, Jesus, Lafayette's boo is a bru-ho and Lafayette is a medium. They help with killing the witch and solving one of the LAMEST story lines involving a haunted doll and Arlene's devil baby.

Marni enters Lafayette's body causing him to kill his boo. Awww. Thankfully Jesus's ghost visits him-but doesn't enter him (this time, oooooooooooo). He comforts Lafayette while Tara's busy getting half her head shot off by Debbie Pelt-Alcide's ex-boo who he abjured (wolf talk for 'told to fuck off') because she started boning the pack master. Debbie came to kill Sookie of course but (as usual) she fucked everything all up got Tara shot-
Aww Tara...

-Most of this season I have been like: whateva, Tara!
I mean really, getting caught up in some bullshit again. Witchcraft! Ugh. I was done with her...and then she got shot and I was like: oh damn, Tara I miss you!
Plus she's the only Black chick on the show...so...

-Jason Stackhouse. I like him and wanted him to be a were panther, but he's not. He is boning his best friend's ex- vampire boo. (pretty fucked up)...and again resulting in some INTENSE (meaning looking like some real penetration happening) sex scenes! It made me uncomfortable especially since Jason's body is about the size of my calf (even post diet!).

Overall, B, Jesse and JK and I thought that the season lacked plot and we loved it mostly because it involved us all hanging out and eating AMAZING things...and then making fun of how effed up the show is.
Of course we'll watch Season 5...but I am giving it the side eye already.
In the words of Pam (my favorite): Fuck Sookie Stackhouse!
Will be saying this till next season!

Ain't Nothing Changed

2011-09-10T19:15:00.000-04:00

So, you remember how I was/am doing this diet/cleanse thing. Well it resulted in me being on TV- so people can take bets on when I wake up covered in mac & cheese with a pillow of cakes, and melted ice cream instead of drool...when I become 1000lbs and bed ridden.
People LOVE IT when you fail, especially if they can watch- I don't plan on failing because it's just a new way of life for me. I mean I will have me some cake and bacon- last night I had bacon. And meat butter. Did not know what my mouth was missing till I had meat.butter. Meat butter is the the renderings of meats made into a clarified butter type deliciousness.
Where was I?

...I was in LA doing TV- HA! Sounds important because it was really just one of the many reasons why I write. Random amazingness happens.
I met Steve Ward aka 'Tough Love' matchmaker...

Remember him? Though his forehead seemed to be chasing his hair, and he has a douche-y appeal, I found him handsome. SO handsome I had a dream that we were dating, but I was showing him some tough.love- not THAT way, dirty, in a way that he was all on it and I was like 'meh'.
Which is what would happen. He is tall and not horrible on the eyes, and any dude that calls out sluts is alright by me- but there's that douche-y appeal.
Oh well.
NO, the show didn't involve him trying to figure out why a gem like me is single- though that would be interesting...and a camera following me on dates?! Amazing.
He wasn't even on my segment, just ran into him as I was coming out of my dressing room- HA! yeah I said that and it happened!

Don't worry, though I am prone to asshole tendencies, I am not all LaLa land out. Am still the lovable scamp who loves to hate. Awww.

When I came back, all rejuvenated and ready to rumble, I thought: Fashion Night Out in NYC. YES!
No!
I was all chilled from shopping at the Westfeld Mall (one of the best malls ever) and reading by the pool- then I had to curse out several people and deal with being in front of the MAC store (in Soho) and some chicks thinking Nikki Minaj was there. These chicks proceeded to yell: OMG IS NIKKI IN THERE???!!!
They stopped when I turned slowly holding up my elbow to take out the culprit windpipe. Through gritted teeth I said it was Beth Ditto and not Nikki.
At this point I was done. Luckily I met up with Brooklyn Kat and we walked one block together before I was done again. Last year it was fun, this year it was crowded with assholes! Assholes dressed like all that was wrong with the 90's.

This is me among the assholes. I am laughing because I am thinking: what.the.fuck.am.I.doing.here?????????????????????????

I am back. I am thinner. I still hate everyone which is why I will be single and have various jungle cats as pets.

2011 MTV VMA's Rundown

2011-08-29T14:57:00.003-04:00

Thanks to Hurricane Irene (that bitch is getting blamed for everything) I felt the need to connect. Connect to something-someone....and it wound up being the MTV VMA's. I know. But when one is desperate without HBO (to watch True Blood) you do whatchu gotsta do.
You also begin writing/speaking like an ass.
I knew what I was getting into watching these VMA's. Knew it from the pre-show...once I saw Sway. I have hated Sway since the beginning of time, and the fact he's been with MTV for like 30 years proves what a soul lacking robot he is. I ran into him once and just growled. He didn't understand the animosity.
Anywho, here's my MTV VMA 2011 rundown:

- the buzz around the 'black carpet' was: what is Lady Gaga going to wear???? will she come drizzled in ovaries and wear the skin of Carebears-but no, she came as an alter ego that was a dude. she remained in character ALL NIGHT. it's like I wanna punch her, but I respect her commitment to the crazy...and she was manlier than a lot of dudes. her performance was typical.

- Kevin Hart then comes out all jittery n' shit. what brand of yayo was he on?? he made me anxious and HAPPY he wasn't asked to host, though his bits were tolerable and he stole my whole 'Black people don't skateboard' thing, but whatevs. if he is what's coming up in comedy, then wake me when he's funny. lucky I love sleeping.

- Skinny Jonah Hill AKA the large n' in charge dude from Superbad comes out with Nikki MiTwat (Minaj). she comes off as her usual- lacking of originality or personality, looking like a cosplay addict and making me want to kick her repeatedly. I zoned out till I saw that Britney Spears won for best pop video. Good for her-till she thanks God. Really Britney? you should be thanking your parents, the meds, the various people that put up with your nonsense because you pay their rent- BUT you know I can't hate on Brit Brit too much because compared to all the other assholes there, she looked mad elegant (for her) and came off really chill. plus, she's dating Sam from True Blood...or some dude that looks like him. Sam is a good dude so Brit can't be all that horrific...maybe.

- the SURPRISE performance happened- 'Otis' performed by Kanye 'Canadian Tux' West and Jay 'Bringin' Timbs Back' Z. too bad the person that ran onstage didn't have a shank, would've made the performance more interesting- LISTEN, I know there are like 50 million peeps who are taking turns gargling 'Ye and Jay's ballsacs. when it is NOT their turn they are trying to say how amazing that 'Otis' song is and how 'Watch The Throne' is the second coming. NO. it is mediocre. it is alllll that is wrong with 'hip hop' or whatever this shit is. it is people who are talented n' shit just resting on their laurels and not doing anything progressive, just instilling more bullshit and mediocrity. people so wrapped in what they and everyone else is wearing, they have no idea what TIME it is-and the time is to be about something more than some bullshit. try having substance- it's scary, but damn it is fulfilling!

- Sean White and Miley Cyrus come out looking like a before and after. Miley is the before and Sean is the after- meth. Foo Fighters won an award- WOW really? they're still winning shit? whatevs.

- ugh. Nikki MiTwat wins best rap video. let that just sit with you. that over hyped, lyrically sterile, annoying comicon train run WON. I mean, I don't look to MTV for hip hop n' shit...but damn. she makes Will Smith seem like Nas. and OF COURSE she is from Queens, only QUALITY comes from Brooklyn. she should be set on fire in an empty lot. also, may Lil Beetle (Wayne) find her burning body and get so emotionally distraught he trips into the fire and burns himself. whole.

- best collabo goes to Katy Perry and Kanye for that fucking song NO ONE GAVE A FUCK ABOUT! thankfully Kanye recognizes real and was like Chris Brown and co. should've won-which is true. also, I may have let Katy slip by with her bullshit before BUT then she was a complete asshat to 'Ye and she is corny as hell with her jokes- that Taylor Swift thing was like 10 years ago (in dog years) get over it bitch! then later when her prettier hubby Russell Brand says she was influenced by Amy Winehouse!!! I kinda wanted Amy's ghost to appear with a blow dart full of used needles. a dart to Katy and one to Kreyshawn.

- sweet! next up is the Pitbull and Neyo performance...with some chick who thought she was figure skating for dick or something. I think her name is Nya or chick who best marry rich n' quick. lovebirds Neyo and Pitbull paid her no never mind. Pitbull is enamored with being a talentless dick and Neyo is obsessed with the idea that he is Michael Jackson. Pitbull is on the right path, but Neyo needs to STOP. give it up. please.

- *sigh* Adele. I love her. that will never change. the above pic is one of my most favorite ever. I think MTV wanted to ignore Adele, but thankfully TALENT cannot be denied so her performance was just...it was what was needed. so simple. no bullshit. just someone singing from their soul. amazing. it helped to ease the rage that building up in me. I LOVED the close up of Adele's expressions during the show...like she was trying to keep the 'PC face' but her realness came through. she gave a lot of 'WTF face', which is what I would've been doing.

- y'all bitches better clap for Chris Brown!! ha! he started out cheesy, then some WuTang happened and then Nirvana....and then that 'Beautiful People' song started and I kinda love that song. which is BIG because I can't stand Chris Brown-way before he started trying to transform Rihanna's forehead. anyways, that song was very old school NYC house vibe. I wanted to twirl...and then vogue to that song.

- damn! I am FUCKING OLD. Britney Spears is getting a video vanguard award??!!! shit! have to say the little girls KILLED IT. omg, loved that part. just as I was all cool-then here comes Beyonce. I was impressed she had on clothing- then I found out she was pregnant. well not that I found out it was more like she was in stirrups and there was a spotlight showing us the inside of the uterus-and there was a lil golden haired camel wearing a Yankees cap. whatevs, I was more concerned with the lack of words to the song or the fact that she kept repeating something about her love being on top-UGH now we need to know how the lil golden camel was conceived. gross, yo.

- there is a show on MTV called: I Want My Pants Back.

- damn, damn, damn. I am not into Tyrone The Creator (Tyler) and his band of lackeys, but that jizzbucket spoke some truth. as he accepted his award for best new artist he said that ANYONE can do this. he is right. ANYONE can make a million bucks, win awards, have people trip over cocks to get to them and claim they are musicians. anyone can do it. in fact, my new album drops next month. it's called: Fuckin' Give Me Your Money, the first single is: Gotta Cop Me Some Jeans with Your Money, Bitches

- Zoe Saldana, you are lovely.

- honestly, I don't know who or what the fuck a Young the Giant is...

- Cloris Leachman looked younger than any of them twats from the Jersey Shore.

- ah. the Amy Winehouse tribute. Russell Brand went on about some nonsense. then Tony Bennett came out (RRRRESPPECT) spoke about Amy. amazing...and then they showed the clip, one of Amy's final moments...and I just started crying again. so fucking talented that girl was, even with her perpetual hot mess, she was way better than any of them other assholes on the show-besides Adele. that girl had heart.
then Bruno Mars came out and sang "Valerie'. I have tried to deny my wanting to smother him with my thigh meat, but I shall not deny him anymore. he is about the height of my labia, but no matter, he can get it! he did my Amy justice and I just like his voice.

- Katie Holmes popped out Xenu's crypt to announce something....OH the video of the year...which went to Katy Perry.

Overall I think the night can be summed up with Justin Bieber mouthing after Chris Browns performance 'that's my boy!'. There was a time when hip hop was hip hop and pop was pop and peeps stayed in their lane. Sure, Chris Brown and Justin Bieber are in the same genre- but they shouldn't be. Isn't Chris more Rn'B, shouldn't he be running with dudes and not kids who are waiting for their balls to descend?
People in the industry are too familiar. Getting too comfortable with each other. It's time for segregation. Musical segregation. Have people hone their shit again and stop producing this watered down fucking mess that is occurring. Now Taylor Swift thinks she can have Ludacris rap on her song about the boy that ate a gummi bear out of her ass.
We need WuTang back or something. Like old school Wu-the type that would make that lesbian Bieber REAL uncomfortable. Make him stay home during award shows asking his moms to cut the corners off of his sammiches. Young Money is too busy boning each other and 'Ye has blouses to buy.
I could fuck up Tyrone and his Odd Future cronies. Me and my non kung fu having skills.
...dunno where I was going with this. Just that MTV is crap and this will be my last rundown about their award shows because I get too angry. Too too angry- I mean I just mentioned segregation! Fuck.

Aftermath: Hurricane Irene Styles

2011-08-28T16:50:00.000-04:00

Things are still windy and wet here in the Bay- Sheepshead Bay, Brooklyn. We're not flooded, nor were there random Russians blown onto people's lawns in drenched Armani Exchange.
Just a lot of leaves in the street and people wondering when the trains are going to start running.
Here is my account of the STORM OF THE CENTURY- my account means something because I live in the ZONE and supposedly shit was supposed to go down!

- I watch NBC news and start criticizing the newscasters, but falling more in love with my fellow New Yorkers who were all like : fuck this storm! I then make a salad for dinner and then start watching Barbershop.

-Filled with regret watching Barbershop, I begin trolling the internet and get some writing done.

- Feeling snacky I get some watermelon while I watch Mayor Bloomberg AKA El Bloombito speak Spanish and tell us we may die during the night. I shrug and finish writing.

- Deciding I need exercise, I start dancing around. Ass poppin', practicing my Matrix dance- I'm going to try to bring that one back.

- Enough is enough, I go to bed. The most disturbing thing that happened the WHOLE night (into morning) was this dream I had. I dreamt I was hooking up with this really old dude. Like white haired- but still strong bodied and he was dressed like Colonel Sanders or something. A Southern gentleman of some sort.
OH by 'hooking up' I mean just making out!
Now, I was either a vampire with my human lover that got old.
Reliving some old ancestral slave affair...OR having some 'old man and the sea' anxiety. Perhaps making out with 'old man river'??? I dunno.

Overall, I am sorry for the deaths, but for that dream...EFF YOU IRENE!!!!!!!!!

Fillin' the Sac: Hurricane Irene Styles

2011-08-26T20:48:00.000-04:00

So the other day Double D Gchats me that I am living in THE ZONE. Don't know if ya heard but after going through EARTHQUAKE 2011 that devastated mirrors everywhere- we are now preparing for Hurricane Irene. Trains are shutting down. Peeps are buying years worth of water- basically peeps are freakin'.the.fuck.out!
One would think I would be all buying 15 boxes of granola bars because I live in the DANGER ZONE, but I am chillin'. Hitting up the supermarket in a bit. Going to get some writing done. Get some sleep. Watch some DVD's. Get some more sleep. Try not to think about eating buttery shit to soothe the fact that this weekend is going to SUCK!
In any case, Double D and I discussed the evacuation bags peeps were advised to prepare. I then came up with a few items that were missing from the list bearing only water, flashlights, etc.

Here is what would be in my bag:

- a great rain slicker with a hood
- some books
- a shake shack burger, milkshake, and bottled water
- a sassy gay friend
- a Wii
- some fruit n' shit
- a party dress, some jeans, some shorts, a cable knit sweater
- a hat because the hair will be EFFED- much like it is now, am rocking a mini fro a la Chaka Khan in the group Rufus
- the number to someone with a private jet and a house that is not in the 'fucked zone'
- Patron and some Sophia (Double D) because I'm classy
- a machete because peeps act straight cray cray when shit goes down and I will cut a bitch
- Insta-Dry nail polish- to do my nails on the private jet
- a hot, interesting boo who will come in handy if that jet shit doesn't pop off!

Anything more and the bag would be too heavy.

Greasy Faced, But Here!

2011-08-22T23:04:00.000-04:00

...and I'm back.
Not like I've been anywhere, just busy. Busy thinking about french fries, cakes, milkshakes, all the foods I can't eat-but I've lost a few pounds in my waist for ya. Well not you, and DEFINITELY not Ami James- just for me. Also, my clothes. Oh, my heart and health.
Anyways, a few things that have been on my mind...

- Pam Grier is my favorite! I mean she is the loveliness that represents my blog- okay, I lost weight to look more like PAM GRIER!! Though magic isn't something you can ingest. Hmmm. Anywho, I read her autobiography- Foxy- a great read. She is everything I imagined. Thoughtful, gutsy, funny and always in the right place in the right time. She's also a Gemini which proves how awesome she is- we tend to be friggin' delightful- well those of us who are me and Gem's I like. Some of us can be ass crazy and need to be slapped repeatedly.
Ms. Grier taught Fellini how to fry chicken! That's all.

- Okay, Ami- the boo in my head- is on my list. That list of dudes who go from 'I wanna bone ya' to "No breakfast, just leave after the bonin'". Ami started a clothing line. It is a clothing line for douchebags, asshats, peeps with minimum of 2 STD's, people with bad taste, assholes, etc. We all know my uterus has anointed him with the power to do as he wishes with my loins, but his line of thin v-necks and TRUCKER HATS- REALLY?! Fuckin' trucker hats??? I thought we were rid of them things that cover the nonexistent brains of the tool's and people who probably listen to Pitbull. Anyways, his clothing line makes me dry and my vag walls want to close in on themselves. Not a good look, boo.

- Love summer, sometimes. It's almost over and I'm not that sad. Not just because it'll mean this diet/cleanse is over and I won't have to have naughty fantasies about toast- it will be the beginnings of 'less greasy face'!!!! It's way past dewy. It is straight greasy. So...greasy...I almost want to lick my face...UGH, but that would be gross. Desperate and gross.

- Don't ever let me try to tell you I'm all hoird (hard). I mean I'll kick you swiftly in the ass if needed, but I am in no way stayin' strapped or rocking the boxcutter on the roof of my mouth.
There is a Bruno Mars song on my iPod. As Ghostface would say: that's as soft as Drake marinatin' in a bathtub full of lotion.

My Thing With (or FOR) Ami James: Chapter II -Going Inside

2011-08-07T23:31:00.000-04:00

My stalking skills lack a certain je ne sais quoi, mostly because I have to be inspired and also because I am not as crazed as I seem. EVEN when it comes to hot dudes that make my uterus quiver like Ami James.
I feel like I have so many shows to watch, and books to never finish writing, and sleep to catch up on to actually stalk someone. EVEN someone as hot, luscious and 'stand-up guy' like Ami.

In any case, I made my way into the Wooster Street Social Club. Of course Mr. James wasn't there- baby steps. My friend Marci drops a bombshell on me- she wants to get a tattoo.
Her first tattoo.
On her hand.
She says this while opening the door to the WSSC so I had no time to fully process it and shake her while asking: why? why? why?
I didn't do that of course because I was walking down the hall leading to the front desk-the desk I have seen Ami lean on (on TV), then there was the couch that I've seen him sit on with the serious face (or just the face he has), and...well just the space where my boo (in my head) spends his days. Except for the day I was there which was good for EVERYBODY.
I had to sit down.
Marci looked at designs and then spoke to a dude who told her that he couldn't give her a hand tatt because Ami doesn't allow that shit. He also proceeded to flirt with her hard core, but in the end told her no hand tatt and to come back and take it up with Ami.
I was still sitting and kinda pleased at my boo (in my head) because a hand tatt really?! Also neck tatts?!
I have already mentioned that people with neck tatts alert me to their douchebag/bitch/asshat capabilities...except for m'boo of course!
The dude also mentioned how this would be Marci's first tatt AND she's a teacher AND she is quite lovely (which he pointed out repeatedly)- I dunno if it was just the luck of draw, but why do most women I've seen in tattoo parlors look 'rode hard and put away wet'? Like life has dealt them a bad hand and then slapped them with a dick?

....so, Marci left a lil frustrated but with a fire in her eyes she says: now you can fight Ami for me on the mats.
I chuckled and then looked forward to those mats-perhaps in chapter III of my semi-stalking of Ami James. There will be sweat, shirts will come off...and most likely he'll be calling the cops to get me the eff away from him- if I even make it to the mats because most likely I'll be distracted by food or watching True Blood or something.

Good Things I Have Put In My Mouth Lately-Balthazar!

2011-08-07T21:12:00.000-04:00

Honestly, I didn't think I would be doing one of these for a bit because for the next month and a half I am on this strict diet/cleanse. I am doing the cleanse/diet because I can and...why not?
I eat healthy mostly- but I already feel more energetic and 'lighter'-though I realized that my love for cheese and bready things runs DEEP (so deep I put her ass to sleep- ahh Ice Cube, though that makes NO SENSE and does not correlate with eating at Balthazar).
Anyways, there are going to be moments. Few and far between moments, when I am going to do bad, bad things.

My book club finished reading the book Tell All by Chuck Palahniuk- I found it quite good by the way- and because of the Hollywood glamor, we decided to do it UP at Balthazar. A fancy-pants spot in Soho, NYC.
Models, actors, people who think they are important and shit go there to be seen. We went there to eat...and look at the people trying to be seen.
I knew today was going to have me delve into the pleasure depths of delish baked goods, but I was still so good. Too good. Just lil nips of the Le Panier bread basket.

Look at this...

I can't. *fans self with piece of lettuce*

...but I did have this for breakfast. The scrambled egg in puff pastry!

It was delightful. Now I can no longer type or look at these pics. I'm going to go cry in a corner. Cry into the bag of bikini's and leotards I am ONLY GOING TO BE WEARING.
Moooohahahahah.

If you don't mind the atmosphere of assholes, DEFINITELY go to Balthazar for the delish food...and the bread. The friggin' bread!
I have to go back in a month for the fries, I hear they are the business.
...but for now, I cleanse. I live. I plot- for mid-September-October when I can eat bread again!

Paranoid

2011-07-31T00:58:00.000-04:00

The neighborhood I live in started out Italian and Jewish, and is now mostly Russian/Ukranian...even Siberian.
Anywho, any time I walk down the street and a little kid/baby/toddler looks at me, points and says something in their native language I think it's the N word!
Every.Time!
Even if the kid and his mom smiles, or the kid giggles and seems like they wanna play with me for some reason. I am angrily squinting and shaking my head and calling it (the kid) a little racist.

Add this to the issues list.

Amy. Amy. Amy.

2011-07-23T15:42:00.002-04:00

Like Janet Jackson and Cyndi Lauper (and many others) spoke to the girl in me, Amy Winehouse spoke to the woman in me. I think it was the time in my life, or the tone of her voice or just her brand of crazy-but I just loved her unconditionally and she holds a special place in my heart. Though cold and dark like an underground cave, my heart is big and intense.

It had to be around 2004 or 2005 when I was in the middle of a conversation at the bar at 60 Thompson (Soho, New York) when my friend Mo who was DJing at the time, put on "Fuck Me Pumps". I literally stopped mid-sentence after hearing the first verse and walked over to him and was like WHO IS THIS??
He handed me her LP telling me how huge she was in England and how the States wasn't ready for her (true, until her second album).
It was love at first listen.
That voice...and the lyrics-that SHE wrote. The youth with the old soul. I immediately bought her CD (this was before mp3's, bitches) and played it over and over. That chick spoke to my soul and made me believe in music again. Sure she had a weed/drinking problem, but you can't write and sing like that without going through some shit-so she had her demons.

At the time I was in my mid 20's and was discovering who I was-which in hand means coming to terms with who I wasn't.
I wasn't a big partier, or drinker, or slut, or into superficial bullshit, or air kisses, or chatting with people just so I could say I knew them, etc.
I had to be cool with that...and as I sat alone in my apartment sippin' ice tea's and cooking dinner...and listening to Amy, I was okay with that.

My friend Margo text me today and said: you introduced me to Amy- this shows how annoying I can be when I am into something or someone. I want my peeps to understand how GREAT they are. Sharing is caring.
Though I also felt good about Amy not being too popular because it could ruin her. Once the BUSINESS sees $$$ all that talent and creativity become ass in leotards and bullshit lyrics. Also producers sitting around being greasy and killing the moment.
It was selfish on my part, but I never claimed not to be a selfish bitch.

Amy of course got big because that kind of talent shouldn't be denied and THANKFULLY a producer I respected, Mark Ronson, worked with her on her second album. So she was entering the mainstream waters but still keeping with who she was. The Back to Black album was an instant/another classic.
Who she was had a lot of issues and unfortunately in the game (even in life) you're not always surrounded by people who have your best interest and truly care about YOU.

With success-though well deserved- it put Amy's issues under a microscope. With no good people around her and the camera lenses, we were front and center for her downfall. I rooted for her and just hoped she would find it within herself to come out of the 'black'. She didn't.

Brooklyn Kat texts me this afternoon: Amy Winehouse is dead!
My heart dropped, I just knew it was true and...you know...I was hoping for her, but this wasn't a surprise-I was...I am sad. Like defeated.
Then I put on a few of her songs and had a cry?!
Now it could be PMS or Satan's Heat NYC 2011...because thugs don't cry, but I think it's because Amy touched something in me and I enjoyed her crazy, her voice and originality. There will be no other, you stand alone boo (and I mean we all saw that asshole Duffy!).

The pic I used is how I'll always remember her. Beautiful, sassy and with eyes filled with an amazing future.

May you rest in peace Amy Winehouse.

True Blood Season 4 So Far AKA I Wanna Have A 3 Way With Eric and Alcide

2011-07-20T23:02:00.000-04:00

I call this my "Hooker, what the fuck?" face! It has been like this since the start of the season. If you watch the show, you know I am talking about 'fucked up fairy world', the fact that NO ONE gives a fuck about Jason and why Bill is the coldest dead dick around!
Still love this show though. Mostly because you're always 5 minutes away from unexpected penetration, spine removal or this....

Eric Northman. I love him- I mean I am pretty much Pam, but like her I owe him fealty...which I would repay with my cooch! That man fine.
You know me, I'm simple. There are HOT dudes, I will watch till there are no hot dudes- BUT OKAY I love the Charlaine Harris books and this is my favorite one. Eric is under some witches spell and has no memory of what an asshole he is. LOVE! The book is a lil different, but as long as the show follows through with lots of nekked (almost cock shots of) Eric...and some tastefully naughty bang out scenes (even if they are with Sookie)-I'll be pleased.

The only thing is him...

Oh man! I would allow him in my one woman wolf pack! I would like to call my vag 'MLK' and allow vamps and wolves to come together...in me! He causes me to use exclamations all day!!!!!!!

Hmmm....so besides wanting to do Alcide and Eric, and be more like Lafayette- this season has been interesting. Though I could give a fuck about Jessica and Hoyt...and Sam's family can all be set on fire. Though I hate Bill, I cannot WAIT till Sookie starts boning Eric and Bill has to DEAL with being lame with a lame hair cut.
He is King Bill. King of the LAMESSSSSS!

Andy Belfleur being strung out on the V has been entertaining...but he's gonna need to do something drastic or I will be borrrred with him.

Then there is Tara...

Besides straightening her hair and becoming a lesbian, she just comes around to say 'fuck' a lot. Eyefuck Pam. And...
Well that's about it! Come on. I love Tara and Lafayette together, but have her videotape Eric showering or something.

One would have thought I would be excited about Alcide's ex Debbie Pelt being back this season. I'm not. I long for the Debbie Pelt of last season. The 80's scrunchie wearing V fiend! Her clothing alone entertained me. Now she's miss goody two shoes....but I read the books. SO, I know.

Have to say I am excited about this season, also, the added bonus of the Sunday pot-luck gatherings that happen at Jesse and JK's. B is also involved. We laugh, we eat, we drool, JK defends Bill, Jesse roots for Jason and B curses Sookie. It's a blast!

Carry on True Blood, carry on...

My Thing With (or FOR) Ami James.

2011-07-12T00:35:00.001-04:00

Remember when I liked dudes I actually knew-or had a chance with...and they didn't like me anyways? So I just crush on celebs because there is really minimal effort.
Well being one for tradition imma go ahead and admit my subtle longing for Ami James...and PLEASE don't ask: who? you mean the douche who looks like Vin Diesel?
Ask me that and it will not only result in a swift kick to the throat, but I would make you sit through ALL of Vin Diesel's movies! Specifically that one where he has the wig-that one will be on loop 5 times!

Anyways it all began when m'girl B turned to me and said: you know who you'd be good with?
With baited breath I waited because I knew B would have a thoughtful choice-she says: Ami James.
I am like: who?
She says: the dude on NY INK!
I reply: OHHH yeah! the guy I see go by on buses and am like damnnnn he fine! this dude I went to college with works on that show...
B then deems it meant to be because she's says Ami is chill and straight forward- and there is NO DOUBT he is a dude, no bitchasedness. B feels it is a perfect match because I am chill and straight forward...and like Ami feel like when we talk it out and it's a done deal, it's a dead issue- and if people wanna still be on it, we take it to the mats! Meaning straight fist-a-cuffs!
Upon hearing about Mr. James from both B and m'girl Marci-I decided to do my own investigating, which included actually watching NY Ink and emailing IRod aka the dude I went to college with that works on the show. Being so straight forward I asked what Ami's situation was just in case I sac'd up and was able to quit being my usual chick in a romantic comedy you root for but fumbles consistently.
IRod tells me that Ami is married with kids.
Fuckin' of course- this would just be the beginning of my obsession. Again, in keeping with tradition, gimme a dude I absolutely have NO chance with and I will lust for him immensely-please don't let me have to woman up or anything. Let me live in the fantasy please.

Anyways, enough with my issues, let's get back to Ami.
Since I am way passed the point of getting tattoo's- I have to enlist my friends to help with the minimal effort stalking I plan on doing. IRod says he'll totally introduce me- but I gets nervous and if you've been reading my blog you should know why.
I sometimes say crazy inappropriate shit.
Some see it as lovable...and some don't.
Plus, besides my love for Ami, I actually enjoy the show. Like Robear is my fave-simply because he wore a Hole hat in one episode. Then there is Chris Torres. That dude is a DICK...but I would totally just bang him. Dunno what it is...me thinks he's the Jess to my Rory Gilmore. No breakfast, hand holding or dream sharing- straight banging.
Now Ami, we would share our dreams while he taught me the Krav Magra (sp). We would then dine on Moroccan food and play skee ball for dessert.
Take that anyway you'd like.

Saturday I happened to be in Soho...which lead me to the Wooster Street Social Club aka the home of NY Ink. I was there with m'girl Margo- who like me, is not into ink on OUR bodies. On everyone else, whatever works...unless they're just ugly ass tatts.
We lounged in front of the WSC, Margo trying to get me to go inside. I was busy getting too excited seeing Robear and Billy (I think) the apprentice. Then Margo and I discussed what tatt's I WOULD get in case I actually walked inside and got a consultation. I decided on the map of Africa on my lower tummy with the Nile being near my vaginal region. Margo liked that idea but suggested that I get the map of Israel!
Yes! I again suggested that it be situated around my vag- because I like to take a joke and go...n' go! In a moment of sheer genius I say: I can always offer Ami a trip back to his motherland!
Margo and I actually high-5'd!
Then I felt my uterus quiver. This was weird because my period just ended and I wasn't around a dude I wanted to mate with...THEN I looked up and standing right by the window...looking out onto Wooster Street...was AMI 'MUTHA FUCKING' JAMES!
I could NOT believe the strength of my uterus. It literally CALLED to him. Like he just appeared. I couldn't even breathe.
Then he looked me dead in my eyes and it was time for me to go.
I thought I was going to start silently crying whilst dry humping the air- NOT a good look. So I called B and left her a message about how my uterus called Ami and then went to TopShop to decompress.

We'll keep in mind he's married, but my uterus knows NOTHING about that. It wants what it wants.
I don't know what's going to happen when I actually meet him. Will I be able to keep my shit together? Will I be so guitly from dry humping him that I get a tatt??
I'll keep you posted.

Conversations In My Head: The Sweater

2011-07-07T23:23:00.000-04:00

Most of the time that look on my face isn't gas or the fact that I hate you- I am probably having a conversation in my head. Like this one while I was walking in SOHO this evening (NOT stalking Ami James-NY Ink- who is one of my latest intangible crushes):

I notice a dude walking by me with a full on sweater. It is SUMMER here in New York City.

Voice 1- most likely Samuel L. Jackson (actor): that dude is wearing a sweater. he has to be on heroin.

Voice 2: most likely Jadakiss (rapper): you have on a sweater-

Voice 1: it's a mutha fuckin' cardigan! and NOT a v-neck sweater. that dude is on some smack...

Voice 2: maybe, but do we give a fuck?

Voice 1: nah, fuck that fool. what we eatin'?

Voice 3- most likely Eartha Kitt (actress, singer, extraordinaire, etc.): i'm feelin' rrravenous...maybe something meaty.

Voices 1 and 2: well damn!

THE END.

Overheard At The Dunkin' Donuts

2011-07-03T18:50:00.000-04:00

My plans to run errands in my hood were stalled when it began pouring again. This just meant sitting in D&D with an iced coffee and a plain donut stick-rather poetic. I planned on just staring out the window and collecting my thoughts.
Then I heard this:

Woman on cell phone: ...yeah, that bill put a damper on all my plans. I wanted to go to Kings Plaza and do a lil shopping. You know, buy things for myself and the house.....yeah....so we're meeting tomorrow at what time?....2:45 or 3, sounds great. The weather will be better.....right....another reason I'm glad to be seeing you tomorrow is- well you know where I'd be...no, Kings Plaza! (giggles) I shouldn't be spending anything and I have enough clothes, but a shirt here n' there is like a pick-me-up....

I listened and realized if I were a middle aged Jewish woman sitting on my cell in a Dunkin' Donuts, then that would be ME! I have been known to say the EXACT same thing, I don't always go to Kings Plaza, but I love spending money I don't have and blaming it on my NEED for retail therapy. Have been trying to be better about that. I wanted to buy that woman a donut and pat her on the shoulder-then I realized that she was kinda annoying and she would take this as me wanting to be friendly. Also, I would be an enabler because I would be right there with her at Kings Plaza buying a ton of shit I don't need.

Conversations with Ice: If You Have Nothing Nice To Say....

2011-06-27T23:25:00.000-04:00

Admittedly, I have been avoiding my homie (in my head) Ice T. Ice knows if he hangs around a Starbucks, Target, Dunkin Donuts, or pretty much any place that serves food...I'll eventually show up.
This time I was coming out of one of my favorite secret haunts, the Punjabi Deli in the East Village.
He rolls up on me like Finn would a perp on SVU...

Ice T: Yo, T!

Me: (startled, but refrain from dropping my samosas)Oh...heyyy, Ice! What's up?

Ice T: Why you avoiding me, T?

Me: Avoiding?! I would never...I've been busy...

Ice T: Right. Busy eating them delicious samosas that I enjoy!

Me: Wow. Here...(hand him a pocket of stuffed deliciousness)

Ice T: I don't want it. (crosses arms)

Me: (wave it under his nose) Iccceeee....come on, you know you want it...

Ice T: You talk a lot a mess, but you haven't said jack crap about Ice Loves Coco!

Me: (stuff a samosa in my mouth, then point to it motioning that I now can't speak)

Ice T: Wow. You just stuffed that whole thing in your mouth-you haven't done that since-

Me: Fine! It's a show. With you and Coco.

Ice T: You don't like it?

Me: It's painful. Fucking painful.

Ice T: Damn. That's cold T!

Me: Seriously, I love you guys, but this isn't showing you in your best light. It's cheesey. Predictable. Poorly written. Then you produce a song for her about fucking shoes!

Ice T: Okay, okay. We'll agree to disagree.

Me: I love the dog though! If you ever need someone to stare disapprovingly at you-I'm your girl!

Ice T: Yes, when we need a bitter bitch, I'll holla.

Me: Word.

Good Things I Have Put In My Mouth Lately- Randazzo's

2011-06-26T01:44:00.000-04:00

A few years ago I decided it was summer and I wanted to see my friends but I didn't wanna get on the damn train to the city. It was HOT. Where I live in Brooklyn is always cooler and less grimey, so I started Sheepshead Bay Day.
A day filled with showing the many delights of my hood. Mostly eating and shopping. I give half assed history lessons about the Bay, but mostly I keep peeps moving to their next meal which ='s my next meal.
There are certain traditions that we follow- those lucky enough to be invited to Sheepshead Bay Day- see you have to be okay with lots of walking, eating and just sitting on benches and staring at the beach. Also, shopping.
You have to be okay with not doing much of anything with a purpose. Just chilling.
You have to be down with sun, fun and fried foods. Seems like easy criteria, but not really.
Anways, the first eating experience is always Randazzo's (Sheepshead Bay, Brooklyn). I call it our snack.

Randazzo's is pretty historical and pretty delicious. It's homey and not pretentious...and the food is DELISH! The waitress's look like your aunties...if you happen to be Italian.

There's 3 dimensional mirrored decor...

My snack included a chunky lobster bisque. It was creamy and filled with chunks of lobster and potato...perhaps it was a lobster chowder?? In any case, if someone said that I had to stop eating the bisque long enough to hear something important they had to tell me. I would continue eating that bisque, lick the spoon, sip my drink and gently dab the corners of my mouth before settling in to listen to this important thing. That is significant because I am a curious bitch and am barely able to contain myself when people have something important to tell me. Like I need to know because I always think it's going to be: Tina Knowles is your mother.
I prepare to scream and scream, then slowly sew in a weave and then stand wide legged while singing in an uncontrollable vibrato.

Where was I?

...for the table I ordered fried zucchini and calamari. Which I annoyingly kept saying the Brooklyn Italian way: calamar...sounds like calamard...just no pronouncing of the 'i' at the end. I said this several times further proving my asshole capabilities AND my need to show that I know some shit.
In any case, that ish was damn TASTY!!! I think I eloquently said: if you pretty much deep fry anything, including dick, it's going in my mouth.
That folks, is why you trust my food critiques because my taste level is so high....and you know if I'd put it on a dick, then it's a must have...in your mouth.

Where F*ck I Been...

2011-06-26T00:49:00.001-04:00

(If you can spend days and hours watching all the Ocean's 12 series (like me), then you'd know where the title came from)

No, this won't be an elaborate blog about my world travels, unless world travel involves taking the train around New York City and working.
I was just living life and celebrating my birthday...for like days-which included lots of eating, drinking, scavenger hunting and eating. Good times.
Luckily, being an asshole hasn't caused me to lack in knowing amazing people who find my brand of asshole refreshing...AND while lost in Queens this dude stopped in front of me and said 'I'd marry her'. He then nodded to his friend and kept it moving.
Happy.Birthday.To.Me.
Also, I still have no use for Queens.
The one good thing about being LOST there was figuring out how it works. The avenues, the streets, the friggin' hyphenated numbers. Okay, I should say I get how Astoria works, but like most places outside of Brooklyn and Manhattan...it can be paved over and made into a gigantic Walmart. The Bronx, a Target. Long Island, a Popeyes.

More importantly, I've been dealing with The Killing's season finale. That shit left me feeling empty, cold and frustrated. It also made me feel stupid. Really stupid. Like, here I was thinking it was the Black dude, then the crazy dude with the slutty moms, then the future mayor, then the future mayor's boo, then the future mayor. Just when I was ready to deal with missing the show and that delicious Det. Stephen Holder (Joel Kinnamen), they decide to make me doubt m'boo and make me doubt the mayor even doing it! WTF! I just feel a certain way...
I'll get over it though because TrueBlood is BACK! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! My friend Jesse is having a premiere party. Am trying decide on an outfit and if I can accomplish Lafayette's eyeshadow capabilities.
Tough times.

As The Dating World STOPS Turning

2011-06-14T23:19:00.000-04:00

I think it has almost been a year since I signed onto an online dating site-mostly because my friends were like: you're this amazing woman you should share this with an amazing guy.
What they really meant was: you're a miserable beacth and we are sick of you and would like you to burden someone else with your nonsensical ramblings.

So, I signed onto OKCupid because it was free. It was like the saying goes: you get what you pay for.
Tons of freaks and non-appealing geeks. Dudes who wanted me to take their virginity and Black dudes who only date White girls but feel they could date me but think that I only date White dudes and proceeded to send me emails asking if I dated Black dudes- repeatedly.
There were a few Asians and Latino's. Mostly there were dudes who emailed me wondering WHY I was on there. I was told I was too cute to be on there-so obviously I must have bigger issues.
Um, DUH, bitch. DUH!!!

In any case, I had ENOUGH and decided to delete my account and let the cocks fall where they may.

Wish me luck and many cats!!

Conversations with Ice: See Ya, Stabler.

2011-06-07T00:05:00.000-04:00

This brings sadness to my heart and soul as I write this, but Christopher Meloni aka Stabler is leaving Law & Order: SVU!!!...and Maritska Hartigay (sp) aka Benson is leaving a couple of episodes in.
I love Finn and Munch- but can they carry the show??? Then I am hearing talks about bringing Jennifer Love Hewitt on to replace Benson. NO! J-Love, you stick to playing whores on Lifetime!
...so Ice T (the great friend in my head)and I decide to go antiquing in Connecticut-we stop at a spot that promises the most delicious Belgian waffles we will ever taste, when we run into Mr. Meloni who is looking for furniture for the new farmhouse he plans on spending more time in now that he is not playing Stabler.

Ice T: ...so should I get the strawberry topping or just stick with some maple syrup?

Me: Strawberry topping- we're having Belgian waffles. Go all out.

Ice T: True. Imma get me some whipped cream too. (looks wistful) Whipped cream always makes me think of Coco' ass...

Me: How is she? Excited about the TV series?

Ice T: Between that and the clothing line- I'm getting no sleep (winks) if you know what I mean...

Me: Gawwwd, I do Ice, I do. No need to- well, well, fuckin' well...Stabler. (Christopher Meloni strolls over to their table, Ice T stands and they do some sort of hip hop greeting thing, Meloni then sits down)

Stabler: Ice T, Sweet T and me. Belgian waffles-this is gonna be a great day!

Me: You take your menu and your flat leavin'ass over to another table!

Ice T: T, chilllll...

Stabler: Woah, woah, woah what's with all the hostility?? I've been doing the show for about 15 years...it's time to move on.

Me: ...so Ice, I think I'm going with the sugar topping-

Stabler: You're just gonna ignore me?!

Ice T: She gets like this when she is sexually frustrated and cannot act on it- (I hit Ice T with my menu)

Me: Some friend you are, Ice!

Stabler: Ahh, so you want to play consensual SVU? (he and Ice give each other a pound)

Ice T: Yeah, she wants you to interrogate her vagina! (they chuckle heartily)

Me: Wow. Real classy, Ice. CLASSY!

Ice T: Oh, I'm sorry T. We'll stop and just eat some waffles-wonder if they have some chicken.

Stabler: (notices that I've been staring at him a long while) Stop. I'm married and your conscious won't let you.

Me: You're right, but I can stare at you long enough to ALMOST flirtily touch your thigh or something.

Stabler: Right.

Me: I still hate you for leaving SVU-

Stabler: What about Benson?! She's leaving too...

Me: Benson doesn't have a dick!

Ice T: True. Sweet T don't give a fuck if it ain't about some dick. (he and I high 5)

Stabler: Well to make it up to you, you and Ice are invited over to my farmhouse any time and I promise to do yard work shirtless.

Me: I didn't mean those things I said before, Stabler.

Stabler: I know. I know.

The End.

Listen To The Voices (sometimes).

2011-06-05T17:35:00.001-04:00

The other night- a little after midnight- I was walking home. When it's late and I don't feel the need to take a cab, I take the longer more 'active' route. Active meaning more people and possibly less chances of rape, robbery, decapitation, skin coat maker run-ins, guys wearing latex gloves, etc.
As usual, I was wearing my headphones, but I was also carrying a shopping bag AND because I am a native New Yorker...also from BROOKLYN, I took into account everyone around me. Mostly people waiting for the bus.
I walked by them listening to Michael Jackson' 'Smooth Criminal'-then something made me stop going over that video's awesome choreography. My 'Brooklyn eyes' were tingling. I checked my peripheral. There was just one dude behind me, a dude who was previously waiting for the bus going in the opposite direction. I started thinking about my walking route and how there are parts where I could be grabbed and people would mistake my screams as playful post club foreplay.
My gut was saying 'no, no, no, no go take a cab.' Dude was keeping his distance, but still the only person behind me. I stop, turn on my heels and head back towards the cabs lined up in front of the train station.
once inside the cab, my gut sighed and that feeling that something was up went away.
Just to make sure that I am not THAT paranoid I checked to see where dude was and he had crossed the street an circled back to the bus stop. Woah.

Who knows what was up with that, all I knew was it was best for me to not walk home and just take a cab. You have to listen to that voice in your head, your gut, etc. that alerts you when shit just isn't right.

The reason for the Ugly Betty pic- I sometimes look like her AND when I typed in 'ominous night' this came up. I don't get it either but I'll work with it!

Horoscope- week of 6/1/11

2011-06-01T22:10:00.000-04:00

FreeWill Astrology
Gemini (May 21- June 20)

In the far northern reaches of Ilulissat, a town in Greenland, the sun sets for good on November 29 every year and doesn't rise again until January 13. Or at least that was the case until 2011. This year, to the shock of locals, sunlight broke over the horizon on January 11 -- two days ahead of schedule. Though a few alarmists theorized that this disturbance in the age-old rhythm was due to a shift in the earth's axis or rotation, scientists suggested that the cause was global warming: Melting ice has caused the horizon to sink. I expect something equally monumental to make an appearance in your world soon, Gemini. Can you handle an increased amount of light?

It don't take whole day to recognize SUNSHINE, bitches! I knew this feeling of shit sliding into place and ABOUT TO BE ON (AND POPPIN'), was something!!!
Put your sunglasses on.

Good Things I Have Put In My Mouth Lately- Inspired Eating

2011-05-31T23:29:00.000-04:00

These are the times when I ate good things during an inspiring moment or maybe the food inspired me-or made me less punch happy.

1. This was when I went to the Alexander McQueen exhibit at The Met. To say that I was inspired by the exhibit is an understatement...I was thoroughly overwhelmed in the best way! Being overwhelmed makes me hungry. My friend Mel and I tried to find a Le Pain Quotiden-just keep it real classy like, BUT when you're looking for a Le Pain Quotiden you will.not.find.one.
So, we wound up at an Upper East Side staple: EJ's Diner. I call it and UES staple because there were Jews of various ages, genders and statuses (i.e. single, married, with children, etc.).
I got the Southern Breakfast which included: grits, scrambled eggs, a biscuit, gravy which I didn't really use thanks to my sodium consciousness) and chicken apple sausage. It was no Cracker Barrel, but it was delish!

2. Mel decided to get the chicken salad sandwich. Mmmm mmmmm....

3. This was after I saw the movie Bridesmaids-not that the movie was inspiring, more hilarious-but this is a Shake Shack shake-black & white of course. Just a Shake Shack (Madison Square Park) shake in itself is inspiring. It inspires my thighs and ass to get more video chick ready- 'yellow model chick, yellow Lamborghini...yellow dimpled thighs'....woah.

4. OMG! I LOVE GRAVALOX!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sidecar (Park Slope) keeps making it hard for me to go anywhere else when I am in the Slope. That and the fact that I enjoy (and HE enjoys) sexually harassing the trapeze artist waiter.
So, I was at Sidecar having a bi'ness brunch. Big things are on the horizon-watch out!

5. Though I was pretty satisfied with my bloody mary and gravalox, I ordered the migas- scrambled eggs with tortilla, guac and cheese. Effin' delish- Sidecar fails to disappoint!

6. Alas, me sipping that delish bloody mary. Oh man, I loves eatin'. Am inspired by food all day, every day!

June 11th-15th.

2011-05-31T22:39:00.000-04:00

The picture above is me with an eyepatch and a sexy mole- that looks like a clump of pubic hair on my face. All part of the game de diguises.

Anywho, a few years ago I took like 2 personality tests and both said I am like Madonna and OOOOOPRAHHHHHH! Since I got the same results twice I believe them to be true.
Like Madonna I do a MEAN fake British accent and am the QUEEN of reinvention- meaning I have gone from hating skinny jeans to owning a few pairs.
....and like Oprah I would like the 4 days leading up to my birthday to be days of reflection. Reflection about me. Good, bad, ugly, inbetween. I feel people should think about my impact on their lives-maybe even tell me about it.
In any case, the days will be leading up to an end. The end of me using my REAL age and the time I start using my LADY age. I guess I have reached that trivial point in a womans life when she starts lying about her age.
Hate to be so...predictable and lame, but it's just how the boobies sag- not mine- but boobies can.

3 Straws 1 Milkshake

2011-05-21T22:11:00.000-04:00

Please do not associate this with that DISGUSTING 'two girls one cup' thing. I never watched that- thanks to the hype, I heard about it and KNEW it wasn't for me. Also, I am not that curious.
Anywho, so one night while eating with my homie Jesse, I stopped mid convo when one of the waiters put one milkshake with three straws in front of two guys and one girl.
Woah.
Jesse had to check it out and we then agreed that this was the prelude to a long train run. Or just a menage a trois. There was no doubt that these three were going to be boning- I mean why else would THREE grown ass adults share a milkshake like that????
We all know I am a greedy bitch so my opinion may be solely based on ME not being into sharing MY milkshake...but really, come on???!!

...then I got to thinking (this is always good): Who would I share a milkshake with knowing it would lead to me being the peanut butter in a sammich...

1. Tom and John Raffeo (Parks & Recreation)- this would not only be hilarious, but lucrative.
The evening would begin with a strawberry milkshake at Shake Shack (Madison Square Park)and end in the dog park at Madison Square Park-perhaps with some doggy style!!! *high 5*

2. Idris Elba and Maxwell- this would be the most sensual three way EVER!!!!
The evening would begin at Stand4 (Union Square), we would be sipping a STIFF chocolate shake laced with whiskey and end in a room at the Soho Grand-and perhaps a wheelchair for me because I'd be unable to walk after this interlude.

3. Alexander Skarsgard and Joel Kinnaman (Eric Northam-TrueBlood and Stephen Holder-The Killing)- I have never been into blond haired n' blue eyed dudes but these 2 Swedes can.get.it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The evening would begin with a vanilla milkshake at Good Burger (all around NYC)and end at one of Trumps hotels- mostly because Donald Trump is a racist dick who wouldn't see the beauty in me getting deep dicked by 2 White boys!!

The list could go on, but then I'd feel like a big ole slut!

RE: ...And Another Thing!

2011-05-16T20:57:00.000-04:00

Okay, because I am like Vanilla Ice-meaning I have a problem, yo I'll solve it. My problem with floral arrangements on maxi-pads can be solved by putting something useful on a pad.
My suggestions: a baby and someone you hate.

A baby to keep you motivated. Like: this is what I'm bleeding for eventually when I am ready and have found a suitable seed dropper. The above pic would be my baby motivator-I would still punch my way through cramps (and possibly punch people), but look at that baby. Awww lil Fromage (because I loves me some cheese) will be worth it!

Putting someone you hate directly on the pad would be a great way to work through the menses. In my case: Ke$ha. Put her on the pad and boom, I'd be aight with all the toil n' boil.

Problem solved.

...And Another Thing!!

2011-05-15T21:58:00.000-04:00

As not to alienate my male readers, I don't mention periods n' shit.
Okay, I don't mention that ish because why talk about it??? It happens, it's not fun, move on.
I am mentioning it now because this whole women like pretty things thing is ridiculous!
Do you know there are maxi-pads that have floral details. Like on the pad and packaging??! Why? Is it because women like flowers n' shit???
Listen, during my bleeding days, I could give a FUCK about a flower. Unless them flowers are going to reach up into my vaginal cavity and shake my uterus into submission- I have NO FRIGGIN' USE FOR THEM ON MY MAXI-PAD!!

That's all.

The Place Where I Work: Choosy Lover

2011-05-15T18:27:00.000-04:00

An offer has been made. Not the best offer, totally not worth the wanting to punch people and not being to punch them, but an offer has been made. Due to lack of want of dealing with new work surroundings AND my dreams catching fire- i.e. am on it with the whole writing thing- I feel I can make enough to live, think of the doctor's office as a job and keep it moving. Stability is one less worry...for now.
Think of it more as a dude/chick who consistently asks you out. I mean, they just show up in your bed nekkid, they constantly post something on your facebook wall, they send dick pics/clit pics, etc. They ware you the fuck down!
On the day the full time job offer was made, my head was pounding and I would've said yes to a fisting offer just to get me one step closer to some advil and perhaps some tequila. More importantly, I had no more fight in me. My fight would be for something I love, something I truly believe in- me and my writing and that people will enjoy paying for my writing.
So you just say...fine, fine- then if you're me, you freak.the.fuck.out! What the HELL did I say yes to??!! I was then only able to calm myself with the thoughts of focusing on what's important to me: writing, affording an iced coffee, reasonably priced designer shoes, etc.

Normally, it takes me a bit to say yes to a lot of things, this is why the man at the corner store asked my mom: when is she gonna get married??
Then the other day I am just walking, minding my own business and this dude tells me I should treat myself to a pedicure- CALM DOWN, I had on my moccasins so it wasn't a diss. Besides, I recently got a pedi and the hooves look more like feets, yo. Anyways, here's a dude who seemed to care- but yet I kept it moving. Mostly because most of the dudes interested in me are crazy and have few teeth.
Naturally, I am suspicious of anyone who wants me...so I say no and keep it moving. Self esteem issues much? No, just general distrust of peeps and their agendas.

Okay, what was my point? Ah, yes...I may be off my game and this may have been a bad choice accepting this offer, but for now I've got to focus on the things that keep me sane...till I have to deal with the other shit.
...another way I know I am off my game, this new temp started. Only two days a week, a dude, and I have no idea if he's straight or gay. Not that this matters, but I can usually tell- okay maybe this isn't my fault, maybe it's this metrosexual society where dudes seem to dabble or just wear a lot of jewelry. Have prided myself on my gaydar- have helped many a friend, if female- save themselves the embarrassment of a boyfriend hitting on their brother or a male- landing themselves a new boo.
Oh well, cannot be good at everything! (though most things still works)

On Paper

2011-05-15T00:21:00.000-04:00

My friend Margo and I have decided that on paper Donald Glover aka Childish Gambino aka the black dude on Community- is my soul mate.
He is witty, I am witty. He rhymes, I rhyme. He has alter egos, I have alter egos. He has hipster appeal and I have gold lame` boat shoes.
We seem like quite the pair...but in reality it just wouldn't work. Not just because I think being the blipster (black hipster) that he is, he would want an Asian or a white girl AND though I am cool...I am not THAT cool.
...so this is what would happen if we were matched on EHarmony or something-because we would be matched because we seem PERFECTO for each other. We would meet up for a date, most likely in the late afternoon because like me he isn't an early riser. We also want to have enough time to meet up with people we actually like in case we hate each other. We would decide to meet in Union Square- that way we'd have options. He'd suggest one of the Starbucks and because we both are sort of kind hearted jerks, he'd pick one and just be there...and if I chose the wrong one I'd have to buy us frapps. Of course I chose the one next to the McDonalds because it's closest to the GStar and the Duane Reade where I imagine he'd calm himself by looking at clothing the gay mafia wears or by hanging in the snack section at DR wondering just how tasty those lil cinnamon buns are.
Anywho this is what happens (in my head) when on paper meets reality:

Donald: Wow, how'd you choose the right Starbucks- oh wait, the GStar gave it away.
Me: That and there are a lot more laptops in here, it's blogger friendly.
Donald: (slides his laptop into a Louis Vuitton case)Yeah. So what kind of frapp would you like?
Me: Think I'm going to get a macchiato...
Donald:...and I'm just going to get a regular coffee. Why did we even say we were gonna get frapps?
Me: Because...
Donald: Yep...

We get our drinks and decide to walk about.

Donald: So you're a writer?
Me: I'd like to think so...
Donald: It's not official till you're sitting in a Starbucks with a laptop. Raekwon is doing a show in an abandoned bodega tonight. They're serving egg sandwiches...wanna go?
Me: That sounds amazing...but I'd rather chance bedbugs at a movie theater in Times Square.
Donald: Wow. You're wearing boat shoes...so I just assumed..
Me: They're cute shoes, I am not THAT girl though. I am not mixed either.
Donald: You're not?!
Me: Nope.
Donald: Oh.
Me: So I'm gonna meet my friend Margo at Target where I shall buy something reasonably priced and then we'll hit up an Applebees bar to catch a sports game. Enjoy Raekwon...

The End.

See that's how it would go. We'd have a sort of chemistry, but it wouldn't be the type that would lead to bang-outs and rap songs about how I broke his heart. Aww. Reality is harsh sometimes.

Reasons Why I Like AMC's "The Killing" by Me

2011-05-08T19:29:00.000-04:00

There was a void in my Sunday nights. With TrueBlood and The Walking Dead not coming back on for a long while I found myself reading, writing...mostly watching reality TV-then The Killing started...well it was more like Jesse told me I should be watching this show. Because Jesse has stellar taste, I watched and am now hooked.
Here are a few reasons why I was sucked into Rosie Larson's murder mysterious world:

- there is a small part of me, the part that forgets that I am African-American and therefore have African-American hair. this small part of me would live in Seattle-where the show takes place. something about the lush green makes me wanna drink coffee and write folk music about my cat n' my soul. then one realizes that it rains. not like a few times a month, but like ALL THE TIME!!! rain and African-Am hair are NOT friends. *sigh* Seattle is a great backdrop for the story being told though.

- I love the lead detective-Sarah Linden- her face is amazing. something in those eyes. she is GREAT, perfect mix of strong and sensitive. her partner-Stephen Holden- is my favorite simply because he is a down ass White dude. we know I have had a thing for down ass White dudes since before I had titties. Holden has a tinge of mystery too where you know he is into some shit...hmmm

- all around, the acting is PHENOMENAL on this show!

- I enjoy the fact that I have figured out the mystery- it's the lone Black dude. not just because he's Black and we know how people think we Black people are prone to violence n' shit...no, this is because this is a Black dude in rainy ass Seattle! like dude, REALLY? you're living in Seattle because you wanna kill some White girls. end.of.story.

Sorry I ruined the show for you, but you should still watch it anyways to see if I am right!

Good Things I Have Put In My Mouth Lately- Lady Treats

2011-05-02T22:17:00.000-04:00

Admittedly, I only started eating macaroons like a year or two ago. The colors thew me off- because I HATE the artificial taste that food coloring can have. Then I stumbled upon my 'very French patisserie that shall remain nameless because it is one of my favorite places to go and I am a selfish bitch'- those who know, KNOW and those who don't know can ask me, and depending on my mood...I'll tell.
Macaroons are just pure decadence...and luxuriousness, especially when sipping a sparkling (though very cheap) rose`. All kinds of pinkies in the air n' shit.

The place that shall remain nameless makes the most amazing array of macaroons- mocha, kir royal, passion fruit, chocolate, caramel brulee`, cassis, lavender pistachio, pink champagne, etc.
Smooth, creamy, and just so damn lovely to look at!

Lemme tell you something, you take your filthiest whore...scrape the semen from her teeth and put one of these macaroons in her hand and I GUARANTEE she will seem almost ready to not just bang in the bathroom...you may do her in your car!- Macaroons = LADY TREATS!....well brief lady treats.....
They don't make your claws look better when you need a mani though. *sad face*

"My balls will be touching things..."

2011-05-01T15:11:00.001-04:00

Now that I am almost caught up with life- mostly with the show Nikita aka my guilty pleasure- I feel that I can blog again...blog again (sang like Toni Braxton's 'Breathe Again'). Besides a computer monitor that blew I have been effin' TIRED. Trying to balance work, a life and a little writing. Very little. To the point where I got into one of my funks again...all boil n' toil.
Enough of that. Am pulling myself up by the moccasins and stop being a lazy twat and GO GO GO!

So with the work thing. There was a point when the The Doctor came up to my desk and some music was playing and we began dancing together. Needless to say there are good vibes in the office, but more importantly they want to hire me and E, but more more importantly the money has got to be right. Am all for good work vibes, but I mostly want to get paid ESPECIALLY since this isn't my calling. My calling = writing novels involving passion plays, mystery and/or zombies who say 'cock' a lot.
We shall see..
OH, so Ruddy Kors has been on a temp rampage, not really a rampage just has gone through a lot of temps. We all know of my fondness for Johnny Blue Eyes...then RK gets this unfortunate chick to work with us for like 2 days. It wasn't that she was unfortunate...just her face. Now I am the last- the second to last person to call someone ugly...but upon getting off the elevator and seeing this chick waiting for me to let her in the office...I dropped.my.coffee!
Let me reiterate- I dropped my $5 Starbucks coffee...which is BLASPHEMY mostly because that shit is EXPENSIVE!
Everyone who wasn't prepared for her face kinda jumped and wondered what was up. My conclusion was a previous life that consisted of meth and pole dancing in the back of an RV.

...and just to note, I now have 2 nipple pimples ON MY FACE! This is what I get for being so shallow. Now I am someones unfortunate girl. *sigh*

Alright, this is all a bit rushed because I have to shower and get snacks for Lego Club. Yep. Me, B, B's bro and Jesse have formed a Lego Club. We go to Lego World in Manhattan. We get pieces and we build shit.
Do not be jealous.

As for the title of this entry...everyone has been into this whole Royal Wedding thing. I could give not even 3/4's of a fuck. Of course I couldn't escape it though. As I sipped a sparkling rose` and ate Bonchon chicken n' macaroons, I watched 15 million commentaries on the wedding. Oh, I was at Brooklyn Kat's crib and during one of the many times we watched Prince William walk Kate down the aisle she asks: why the hell is he smiling so goofily?
My response: because he's finally going to get in BALLS DEEP. Katey's a lady and only let the tip in...tonight though, his balls will be touching things.

That is my wish for everyone...to find true love and have the balls touch things.

Pssst....Over Here....Yeah...

2011-04-26T10:08:00.000-04:00

Okay, so I feel like a flightless bird- or a bird with no wings-all having to briefly blog at work. *sigh* My computer monitor BLEW and instead of getting a new laptop-like I should've done a minute ago, instead I spend my money on various flights of fancy and have nothing but cool shoes and a softer tummy to show for it.

Anyways, there's been so much I've been wanting to tell you about...I hope I remember everything...not like I finally finshed the book and have an agent and Idris Elba has come to his senses and is breakin' my back on the regs!-just interesting little vittles.

I didn't want my loyal 3 readers to feel neglected or be under the impression that I have gotten a life or something.
Will have NONE of that.

Be back shortly, the new monitor is up, the insanity will continue!

Good Things I Have Put In My Mouth Lately- Di Fara's Square Pizza Pie

2011-04-17T18:19:00.000-04:00

I grew up in Brooklyn (NY) so great pizza is important to me. I can't explain what makes a great pizza...it's one of those things you just know.
Now my card may pulled when I say I have never heard of nor had I been to Di Fara Pizza (Midwood, Brooklyn (NY)). This spot is only a few train stops away from home, yet I NEVER KNEW ABOUT IT- and now that I do, the chances of me making my 600lb goal is great.
I learned of Di Fara's from my friend LBee-of course we were eating something else when she asked what my favorite pizza spots were, then she mentioned Di Fara's and their delish square pizza pie that is both crunchy AND chewy and just effin' delicious. She went on about how Old Man Di Fara (this may not be his name, but that is what I am calling him) puts fresh slices of mozzarella (actually every pie is freshly made, no pies just laying about) on it along with cloves of garlic and then RIGHT before he serves ya the pie- no use in getting just a slice- he cuts some fresh basil on it and you become a believer.
I wiped the drool off my chest and lap and asked: WHEN ARE WE GOING???

It took a bit but we made it one Friday. We beat the long line and the crowds...but not the full on smoke inhalation. It is ALL WORTH IT THOUGH.
And being a true natural beauty, I make it all look soooo good...

Do you even believe that cheese?! It's all so real. My mouth is watering as I type this...Like, usually one would be consumed by my beauty, but that cheese is like the nude Halle Berry/The Rock of cheese!!!
Okay, first things first, this place is very Brooklyn. The Brooklyn I grew up in. This is a pizza shop, not some fancy pizzeria with a bullshit waitstaff and garlic bread. They just serve pizza. Old Man Di Fara and his kids serve you YUMMY pizza.

There's a wall of accolades...I just took a pic of one wall though:

There's a pic of Old Man Di Fara doing his thing....

Here is my pic of Old Man Di Fara doing his thing AKA puttin' that fresh basil on it...mmmmmmm

Okay, these next few pics are like straight pornography!

Yeah, LBee and I ate our slices right off the tray! Were weren't playing around...and I really thought we would finish it, but when you HAVE to eat the crust because it's so friggin' good...*sigh*...one (even a greedy wench like myself) cannot finish it. LBee took the slices home to her boo-even mine because I was all gallant like: I live so close to this wondrous place!

Oh here is LBee going in...love how her nails look with all that cheese and 2 sauces (yes, for the square pie, Old Man Di Fara uses 2 different sauces!!!) goodness...mmmmm

There are points when your mouth is full of fresh garlic pieces and cheese! I didn't need to put anything on this...like oregano, crumbled parmesan, red pepper flakes, etc.. This pizza was just so delicious LBee and I both grew quiet and went into a zone before we continued with our awesome chats.

If you like pizza and life, go to Di Fara's...it will change your life. I have to go back soon to try the round pie-this excites me.
Anyways, go there...you'll wait a bit but anything worth having is ALWAYS worth the wait.
Mangia, bitches!

Oh Hells No!: All My Children

2011-04-17T17:21:00.000-04:00

Soap opera's are a peek into the lives we'd like to live.
Good n' bad drama. Great clothes. Waking up in full makeup with hair perfectly coiffed AND no morning breath. Mostly hot people-including doctors, cops, bartenders, maintenance peeps, teachers, etc.. Having a job but not always having to go there because you have drama to deal with yet you still get paid and live in a fat crib. You can bang pretty much anyone (few times). If you do bad shit you can always redeem yourself and be a good person- also a ho can be made into a housewife-or she can just marry a shitload of people. If you do some really twisted non-redeemable shit, you can just blame your twin who will suddenly appear with blood on their hands. Even if you appear in a coffin, are seen boiling in a vat of car drove in the river stew, or have been shot 20 times- YOU CAN STILL BE ALIVE!!!!

Soaps are great!

All My Children became my soap because it's what my mom and babysitter watched. It is my favorite soap-though I dabbled with Sunset Beach (short lived NBC soap) in college-I always came back to AMC.
I mean, Erica Kane is an ICON! Angie and Jesse! Adam Chandler...Palmer Cortlandt! Tad Martin! Hayley and Mateo! Then there's Zack and Kendall- I loved me some Zack!
These characters are like a second fam- we grew up together...and no matter how many episodes I missed, I could always fall right back in!
AMC has always been with the times with gay relationships, a transgender story line, Black peeps who were more than just sidekicks and actually had lives, old people boning, Asians!!, Latinos who aren't just maids, etc.

Now, I am hearing it is being canceled and there are 2 reality shows in the works to replace it. FUCK THAT NOISE, I never thought I'd say this especially after Hoarders and Top Chef, but I HATE REALITY TV!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

We must save All My Children. Save the characters I grew up with and the hot dudes I can fantasize about because I'd mostly live in fantasy and not reality.
Call this number: 818-460-7477.
Save AMC, for you, for me...for everybody!!!

Gemini Horoscope Week of April 14th: I shall weildeth my sword-eth....

2011-04-16T18:48:00.000-04:00

Freewill Astrology
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
I was reading about how fantasy writer Terry Pratchett made his own sword using "thunderbolt iron" from a meteorite. It made me think how that would be an excellent thing for you to do. Not that you will need it to fight off dragons or literal bad guys. Rather, I suspect that creating your own sword from a meteorite would strengthen and tone your mental toughness. It would inspire you to cut away trivial wishes and soul-sucking influences that may seem interesting but aren't really. It might even lead you to rouse in yourself the zeal of a knight on a noble quest -- just in time for the arrival of an invitation to go on a noble quest.

OMG!!! First, I love swords and second I think I'd be pretty awesome riding a horse and straight cutting bitches!! Would do so in a full dress made of black buttery leather and metal grommets. My riding boots will be Gucci.

Totally get what the 'scope is saying though. Gotta focus and get my quest on!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Place Where I Work: Some Things I've Learned or Relearned This Week

2011-04-10T22:25:00.000-04:00

- If you let them, the MTA or a Starbucks will ruin your day.
We already know the amount of dicks I'd like to saute for the MTA so I don't even need to go there. As for Starbucks-so shocking to see me wanting to kick them and perhaps prepare them a frapp of semen- one of the ones I like going to in the morning also has a large tourist clientele. Tourists who take hours to order one cappuccino. Tourists who don't understand the concept of a line and like to gather in various clumps on the outskirts of the line and when you make moves getting you closer to a scone or a nutty loaf, they suddenly appear all accented and enraged! All this makes you damn near late and ANGRY. AN-GRY.

- I can really survive on just soup for lunch.
Soup and a book. I finished reading The Namesake-truly delightful book! Now back to finishing Christopher Moore's You Suck because I don't remember what book my Book Club is on now. Anyways, who knew my greedy ass would be fine with just soup.

- Seriously, kids effin' love me!
For real! A patient brought in a kid the age of 1 (almost 2)who immediately wanted to feed me his cheddar bunnies and tell me about his life. I think me and kids are cool because they have no angles and have the inability to bs.

- Sometimes your ego lies to you. LIES!
Seems I was right about The Doctor being the reason I can't pay someone to kick me to the curb! The love is strong, which I can't feel bad about because I am awesome AND getting paid.
As for me developing a crush on Johnny Blue Eyes based on laughter, the promise of Italian love poems and thinking that he maybe wanted to do this 'Bronx Tale style'. Think about it (take a second).
I was wrong, which is fine because crushes are a nice way to spend the day-a way to remember you're ALIVE!
Why did this sudden dose of reality hit this cautious romantic aka me? Well, we all know how these crushes go for me. Either all lighthearted and fine- which how most go or I get all intense and clouded with idea's that things are more than they seem. Sometimes people just think you're cool and funny and DON'T wanna put it in you. Shocking, but oh so true.
Yay, for reality!

- When you look around the room that is your life and feel a certain way about it-you just remember you know some great people and I know some GREAT people.
This has nothing to do with work, but helps me in those low moments.

Good Things I Have Put In My Mouth Lately- Doughnuts and Chicken

2011-04-10T18:29:00.000-04:00

There are days and then there ARE DAYS. This was one of those in between days...where things were fine, but I was feeling mad emo, yo. Was just filled with all these feelings...and though I pride myself on not being an emotional eater- I JUST LIKE EATING- eating delectable freshly made doughnuts did help with the well of emotions rising inside of me-well before I shaved one side of my head, began wearing only black and started writing poetry involving birds n' cock without really saying cock.
No, instead I ate doughnuts at the Donut Plant NYC (Chelsea).

Yup that's me and not Jeannine Garafalo!

The ambiance was real relaxing and conducive to doughnut eating enjoyment. It was perfect because there was Radiohead playing and Planet Earth being shown on the big screen. Nothing makes a punk like me weep into her chocolate doughnut like having "Creep" playing while seagulls are picking off baby sea turtles. WEEP!!!

The decor was even doughnut themed! Quite nice.

More importantly...the DOUGHNUTS!!

I had the jelly and the chocolate. Decided to keep it real simple!

...not really a jelly as much as it was a preserve and SO DELISH!!!! I shared with m'girl Jesse who in turn, shared her pistachio and strawberry doughnuts with me! So fresh and so clean (clean)!

Of course after eating doughnuts Jesse and I grew hungry! So we strolled- okay briskly walked because it grew effin' cold out and we both had on our Spring fineries- to Country Hill Kitchen (Flatiron District). We briefly stopped in Eataly but couldn't deal with the douchebags though the smell of olive oil was intoxicating!
...CHK was inviting and homey. Well lit, the better for to see all the biscuits. I knew I was going to have biscuits. So I did. I had Grandma El's buttermilk fried chicken, a spicey corn salad and biscuits. MMMMMM!

Jesse opted for the chicken sandwich and the cherry lemonade.

Altogether, great night of emotional eating. I highly recommend both during those emo times we all can have.

Rob Lowe & Latex.

2011-04-07T22:16:00.001-04:00

Mostly my face is all like this:

...then I saw Rob Lowe on the cover of Vanity Fair and I briefly looked like this:

...because I look like Kelis and would do this in front of Mr. Lowe. HE.CAN.GET.IT!!!!
80's Rob Lowe...all young and full of dreams=no thanks. 2011 Rob Lowe...all older and full of wisdom n' maneuvers=oh hell yes!!!

AND THEN I listed my top 3 fears today and they REALLY are my fears.

1. Bed Bugs
2. Vampires (though I find them sexy, remember women of color never get to have sexy vampiric relations so my ass would just end up drained...and a bitch is ANEMIC)
3. Zombies
...a close 4. would be peeps who randomly put on latex gloves. This happened to me on a train once. You think being a germaphobe I would understand not wanting to touch ANYTHING on a train-but dude was sitting down. He creepily stared at me a while then unzipped his knapsack...and then pulled out a pair of latex gloves. I had been reading a book, which I then closed it and then texted m'girl Jesse (because we had just had dinner and I didn't want people to think SHE murdered me).

my text: um, a dude just SAT across from me and put on latex gloves.
jesse: AHHHHHHHH! GET OFF THE TRAIN NOW!!!
my text: dude, but i am like 2 stops from home! you know how long it takes for me to get home!
jesse: HE IS GOING TO KILL YOU!!!
my text: i know, but i will try my best not to be killed. if i don't text you in 20 minutes from home, he has killed me and tell my fam i love them.
jesse: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Eventually, I avert death by psyching dude out and taking a cab home- though it is a 5 minute walk from the train station to my home.
Anyways, anyone who randomly puts on latex gloves is.going.to.kill.you.

...though if Rob Lowe is into kinky latex sex play then that may be the ONLY time where murder may not be on the menu, though death by dick seems like a good way to go.
Woah.

Conversations with Ice: Oh No!

2011-04-03T20:33:00.000-04:00

Ice T (my imaginary friend who really should be my friend/mentor) and I are Skyping again. Ice is in California for Nate Doggs's (RIP) funeral and I am still in New York City-cold, alone, but mostly sad. Skyping with Ice is a sure way to feel A LOT better!

Ice T: Sweet T!

Me: Ice!

Ice T: You look like someone took your lunch money-

Me: Well, am surprised you even remember who I am-

Ice T: Ah, I see what this is. You know who I am and the obligations that entails, sometimes it means less time solving your problems....

Me: You don't just solve my problems...we chat. I thought we were homies. Sorry i am not big enough to be roasted like Trump...or

Ice T: Or be dead like Nate Dogg...

Me: Ah damn...(we both pull out 40's and pour a lil out)Well, I'll let you go back to your life...

Ice T: Oh stop. So tell me, besides being your usual asshole self, what's going on?

Me: Oh Ice...I thought you thought I was misunderstood...

Ice T: Listen, I have to go make sure I am not wearing opposing colors and then oil Coco's ass.

Me: Fine. I am okay. The usual. Less talk, more do- oh but I've been hearing that I cannot be taken seriously!

Ice T: Who wouldn't take your ass seriously?! You are sometimes too intense.

Me: This is what I thought!

Ice T: I wouldn't worry too much T, a lot of people talk shit because they can't handle shit or they are just trying to throw shade on your shine.

Me: Who knows? I think I am pretty straight forward-almost to a fault.

Ice T: Definitely to a fault sometimes.

Me: Uh hunh...

Ice T: T, you can't please everyone. If Nate Dogg taught us anything it's that even smoov muthafuckas have rough moments.

Me: Regulate!

Ice T stares at me a long while and then nods. We then Skype out.

Lesson learned: I don't have the capabilities to play games or lie, but I do have the ability to kick in throats.

I think that's what the lesson was.

The Place Where I Work: Sad sac

2011-04-03T17:44:00.001-04:00

Another week and I am still here. I feel a mix of shame and 'it figures'. Shame because of my ego and 'it figures' because I must always remember this is ME and my luck is funny, ironic and mostly non-existent.
My ego can be a beast-sometimes I envision choking it to a near death, like when Ruddy Kors pretty much explains they don't want me to leave. Then The Doctor explains that she doesn't want me to leave because I am phenomenal at what I do.
What I do a trained chimp in excellent wedge heels could do-the chimp would also have to enjoy cock humor and cupcakes.
So, upon hearing how great and needed I am, I kinda shrugged my shoulders and was like: alright. Ruddy Kors has also stopped being a total wanker and pulling his (work)weight.
Then they asked me to do this diet thing-normally any woman who is asked to be a before and after...the face of a diet, would jump at the chance mostly from being mortified.
I am secure enough to know I should/could shed like 15-20 lbs, but I am not into diets or dieting...then my ego crept in and I was like: ooo the face of something because my face is FABULOUS!
Honestly though, even after I research and see the proclamations of how great the diet is-I won't do it.

Even after all that, still don't know how much longer I'll be here...without kicking a lot of shit.

Then there are the matters of the heart...or lack thereof. I think I had a brief convo with that mostly dumb but hot football guy who is a patient and I thought of Johnny Blue Eyes again and realized I missed my chance. *sigh*
Now I shall long for what never was and become the fabulous woman with a lot of gay male friends...companions even, like Liza Minelli and he husband...or ex-hubby.

Horoscope- week of 3/28/11

2011-03-29T22:59:00.000-04:00

Gemini Horoscope
Freewill Astrology

Between now and April 16, you really should try to party every night. You should experiment with at least 100 different altered states of consciousness, and talk to at least 500 fascinating people, and explode with at least 800 fits of laughter, and change your mind at least 1000 times. You need massive stimulation, Gemini. You need record-breaking levels of variety and mood swings. Be everywhere! Do everything! APRIL FOOL! While it's true that this might be one of those times that the visionary poet William Blake was referring to when he said, "The road of excess leads to the palace of wisdom," please take care you don't end up slobbering face-down in the gutter without any pants on halfway along the road of excess. Remember the goal: to actually reach the palace of wisdom.

WOAH! This week is going to be EPIC!-until I reach the palace of wisdom and am all like- what/who.the.HELL.did I do?????
This also reminds me that April Fools day is this week!!!

The Place Where I Work: Near, Far, Wherever You Are....

2011-03-27T23:40:00.000-04:00

It's funny how things sneak up on ya.
...tequila doesn't sneak up on ya. No it steps up to you and punches you in the face, which happened on Friday after a few margarita's with E, S&M and S&M's boyfriend. There may still be tequila in my system...waiting...waiting to sneak up and punch me in the face!

As the week began, there I was just minding my own business thinking of ways to NOT be at work yet get paid. All the while adjusting my attitude so that I wasn't walking around being a sourpuss. No one likes a sourpuss.
Then two things- well three things happened.
First, my contact at the agency I work for emails me about Buffalo. Seems she is from there and I went to school there. This was big for many reasons- great Buffalo nostalgia AND she has been sending out my resume. She tells me I should be hearing things by the end of this upcoming week.
AWESEOME.
Then the second thing happens. Ruddy Kors starts wooing me. Calm down-I have not grown a penis- he's been wooing me job wise. I think I've made it obvious that I don't want to stay there with the way things have been going...and if I just happen to walk out they would be screwed!
Anywho, so Ruddy Kors is telling me how great I am and I am just like whatever. The SECOND I get another job, I am the eff out of there. Just a breeze and a slight lingering of my perfume. Will be a wrap!
...and thirdly, while sitting and emailing about possible jobs and Buffalo, and avoid looking into Ruddy Kors devil orbs aka eyes...I felt the emptiness that Johnny Blue Eyes has left since he wasn't in all week. JBE is about as chill as a limoncello on a summer's day on the Amalfi Coast-but even he was like EFF.THIS.PLACE! Ruddy Kors is just a ruin-er of souls and spirits.
So, there I am going awww I haven't laughed in like 3 hours where is Johnny Blue Eyes?- and he wasn't there. No one to draw dick cartoons, no one to slow grind-basically awkward air sexing during inappropriate times...like when I am on the phone and shouldn't be laughing....
I relish my chats with E, but she lacks something called being a dude which would explain my...wait for it...crush on Johnny Blue Eyes. I was scribbling something on a post-it when I came to this epiphany, I then shrugged my shoulders and said: that explains a lot.

Now I'll have to make my own fun until I'm the eff outta there, as for matters of the heart....when I start writing poetry in Italian- worry.

Good Things I Have Put In My Mouth Lately- The Legendary Roll n' Roaster pt 1

2011-03-26T20:12:00.000-04:00

This is a part one because I will venture to Roll n' Roaster (Sheepshead Bay, Brooklyn) many times. R n' R is almost like a second home to me- almost because if it were really my second it would become my first since I wouldn't be able to walk and would need a crane to get around. It is one of the few places (in these times) that doesn't make you feel bad for wanting to eat simply delicious food that isn't good for you but is cooked SO WELL. They also offer to put cheez (how they spell their amazing melted sharp cheddar cheese)on anything you pleez!!!!
Growing up, I preferred going to R n' R rather than McDonalds- see I always value quality and R n'R is quality fast food. Fast food that really isn't fast at all-everything is made on the spot, as soon as you place your order.
They tried to bring the essence of R n' R to Manhattan- on 11th and 3rd Avenue. I never stepped into that place and pretty much cursed it. Said it would NEVER be the OG R n' R and it would FAIL!!!!!!!!!!!!! About a year later, I was proven right.
You see, R n' R isn't just about the amazing food, it is about the friggin' ESSENCE! It is an un-hipstered, un-"cool" place in Brooklyn where one doesn't go to put on airs. You go there to hang with your people, eat the french fries drenched in cheese, talk shit, laugh, possibly get hit on by dudes wearing velour tracksuits or women wearing heels and tons of Aquanet. They play blocks of classic music like the best of Tina Turner and Frank Sinatra.
It is a magical place. A safe haven. I went there last weekend with some peeps for like 3 hours enjoying dinner, dessert AND challenging games of Scramble on our iTouch's. It was a great night!!!
Viva la Roll n' Roaster!

This first pic is from last summer. Margo and I went to the beach and then strolled to R n' R. Their chocolate milkshakes- actually all their milkshakes- are the bomb diggity. Dude, I just said: the.bomb.diggity.

...because I am all icognegro, I have given myself pink cat-eye sunglasses and cat ears- my artistry is extraordinary!!

This was just MY meal. A cheeseburger with caramelized onions and pickle chips, cheese fries, and corn fritters- which I shared! I drank water because it is alllll about being balanced.

For dessert I had the apple pie a la mode with chocolate ice cream, my friend Maria had vanilla ice cream on her pie and her boyfriend Steve had a vanilla milkshake. Mmmmmmmm...just looking at these pictures makes me wanna go there now!

....excuse me, have to ...uh...go for a walk...yeah...

Horoscope- week of 3/22/11

2011-03-22T22:28:00.000-04:00

Freewill Astrology
Gemini:
From an astrological point of view, it's a favorable time for people to give you gifts and perks and blessings. You have my permission to convey that message to your friends and associates. Let them know it's in their interest to be generous toward you. The truth, as I see it, is that they will attract rewards for themselves, some unexpected, if they help you. So what's your role in this dynamic? Be modest. Be grateful. Be gracious. At the same time, rake it all in with supreme confidence that you deserve such an outpouring.

Basically, love me and it will make life better for you. .....and I like my gifts either edible, nerd approved or Chanel.

Good Things I Have Put In My Mouth Lately- Tex Mex Styles

2011-03-21T23:17:00.001-04:00

Being a simple lady, to unwind I don't need to go to spas or do yoga- I just need some great peeps, a lil booze and some good eatin'.
On a hump day, a Wednesday, I met up with B and Jesse for some delish Tex Mex at Lobo (Court Street, Brooklyn).
As soon as I walked in our waiter "Shelly"- he said he and his peeps call each other that and eventually he called me "Shelly" because we just clicked. I walked in and we played who can out bitch each other...there was a draw.
Lobo is known for their margaritas, but being allergic to orange(s) juice kept me from being able to taste these delicious latin elixirs made with fresh juices. Didn't stop B and Jesse who enjoyed them IMMENSELY!
I had a texas tea- sweet tea with vodka and it was daaaaaaamn good!

The texas teas- yes teas because I had DOS- went down so smooth and delicious. I told our waiter "Shelly" that if I had one more of them I'd be on the table dancing like Ciara with my dress off. He said he'd dance backup for me- BESTIE!

Since B frequents Lobo, she suggested the queso con carne to start with. All I heard was 'queso' and I was down.

B was right! That ish was delicious...and their salsa was amazing- smokey flavored and hearty.
Admittedly, the menu overwhelmed me. I wanted EVERYTHING! After going on and on about not knowing what to get "Shelly" suggested chicken enchiladas with a garlic mole sauce!

Let me tell you something- if you were to put that sauce on a shoe, grilled rat, Usher's penis...I would EAT IT!! I would ice that shit and sip it like a latte.
Jesse got the skirt steak with a side of collards and corn. I am guessing from her silence and clean plate- that was some good eating.

B got something called a 'sassy mama'- basically a chicken enchilada...I think. Again, from her silence and cleaned plate- that ish was good! I think both of their silence had to do with my yammering on and whining about the Janet Jackson concert that I not only didn't know about, but wasn't going to. "Shelly", like any bestie of mine, took the opportunity to rub it in that he was going....

Mmmm...dessert was another drink because sometimes that is what's needed. Sometimes it's chocolate, other times it's vodka.

I've walked by Lobo, heard about Lobo and now I have experienced it. Laid back, good eatin', good drankin'...um weird bathrooms where I drunkenly stumbled upon a dude peeing. No pics of that.
Go to Lobo if you like chill places where they make douchebags sit at a bad table just cuz-or it could've been our waiter "Shelly" who had no time for the assholes.

The Time I Went To See Beastly

2011-03-20T22:33:00.000-04:00

So yeah, Brooklyn Kat and I decided to go see the movie Beastly. I know, I know we were looking to WASTE 13bucks...also nothing comforts a hormonal woman like a horrible script, predictable plot and Mary -Kate Olsen's duck face.
I have to say I was unaware that MK was even IN the film till she appeared on camera. Then my first thought was if they put heels on a tampon with ridiculous eye makeup- that would probably act better than she did.
As much as I hated on her skillz, in the end, she came through and proved to be the best part about the movie.
Another great part had NOTHING to do with the movie. It was when I went to the concession stand for dinner AKA movie eats which consisted of: pretzel bites with cheese and Nestle Crunch Dibs. Dinner of champions!!
The 2 concession workers reminded me of Cologino (character in A Bronx Tale AKA one of my most favorite movies ever) and Carlton Banks (Fresh Prince of Bel Air). Carlton was new and nervous. Cologino was seasoned and showing Carlton the ropes. Cologino was the one that jokingly told me they were out of pretzel bites. I believe I scared him with my rage causing him to tell me to calm down and that it was a joke. He then offered me some Dibs. I apologized and took them and tried to explain that it wasn't him or his BAD joke, that it was totally me being an asshat. He liked that I apologized. Then Carlton apologized for being seemingly retarded- seemed he was messing up. I told him not to be too hard on himself and that most people don't apologize for that. Cologino got my subtle joke and told me he liked me. Asked if I wanted anything else- with a wink. WOW- I still gots it.
...but I didn't have 50bucks (movie prices) to spend and just took my Dibs and pretzels. Cologino asked again..with a more earnest wink- remember I have NO IDEA when the cock is being put on the menu- and I got all bashful (I know) and went into the movie theater.
See, I talk soooooooooooooooooo much shit and when it comes around to bite me in the ass...I bitch.up. *sigh*
Anywho, so the movie. Basically it was a longer episode of Gossip Girl. It had nothing that held me- I mean Vanessa Hudgens annoys me AND all I could think about when I saw her face were her nude pics. The lead guy...he wasn't hot so...yeah. Oh, but Neil Patrick Harris was in it and I LOVE HIM...basically NPH needed a paycheck....and he was Barney (How I Met Your Mother), but blind.
Um...so yeah this film was about how being superficial is wrong and not being superficial is right. Also, if they say someone is a witch (MK Olsen) then BELIEVE THEM!!!
Bored, I started thinking about the Usher sex tape. Not too much because I didn't want to throw up while sewing up my vagina using butchers twine and a rusty needle.
Then something happened that tugged at my heart strings- I am a SAP! After punking out, I comfort myself with Dibs.
Then the movie ends and I am like- really...that was supposed to be New York City?!
Oh, but MK shows up in the movie at the end with a top hat-she won and made the movie for me!

If you want to contemplate sex tapes you have NO INTEREST in seeing, then go see Beastly!

The Place Where I Work: The Buildup

2011-03-20T19:15:00.001-04:00

Monday

- Text from E saying she is sick and not coming in. Today is going to suck. Not just suck but be immensely evilly horrific.

- Day is probably worse than I thought.

- Decide to read at lunch, but mostly I stare out the window and wonder where I went wrong.

- At one point I am at my desk with my head in my hands, Johnny Blue Eyes places a paper on my desk. I think it's love letter written in Italian- I was wrong. It is a cartoon involving Ruddy Kors and a cake of dicks. I laugh hysterically and realize that with a lil breathing and levity, not everyone has to die.

Tuesday

- E makes it in. I feel bad for sending her 'death threat' emails because she really was sick and didn't need that noise.

- The day is a little better and I look forward to meeting up with the Grub + Tug Supper Club. We did Turkish food this time and it was DELISH!

Wednesday

- I start outlining more writing ideas and then realize I cannot write. Feeling really angst-y and then receive info about a job in Seattle. Hmmm?

- Do I wanna start a job process all over again, I think I am at my wits end with this job. I just know that mostly patients are annoying and if I have one more woman talk to me about her dry vag I am going to douse myself in lube and slide down 5th avenue.

- Looking forward to dinner with B and Jesse! Not just good food n' drink, but the hilarity makes me feel better.

Thursday

- St. Patty's Day and I am sober.

- During a very rare slow moment I contemplate how horrible a person Ruddy Kors is. Like he isn't just a bitchy lecherous gay, he is just a HORRIBLE person.

- A nice lunch in the park with E and Johnny Blue Eyes. We watch children play and I feel better about the world. Then we see 2 fights (remember St. Patty's Day) and I am like: survival of the fittest, take each other out and leave room for the people who act less like douchebag-assholes.

- Looking forward to a movie with Brooklyn Kat- I focus on that to get through the afternoon hours.

Friday

- Friday- funny enough, it's the first time I find out about that Rebecca Black chick. I have no time for that shit. Johnny Blue Eyes tried to show me her video and I promptly told him I had no time for that shit. I then feel bad. He and E have felt the brunt of my snippiness- and not just from my hormonal rages- they say you hurt the ones you like the most. I realize I don't like being like this and it may be time to move on. Though the thought of a stable job is lovely, I don't like acting like an asshole (all the time) because it's hard coping.

- Ruddy Kors pisses me off royally so I chat with my agency about getting something else, SOONER rather than later.

- It is a 70degree day in New York City- I almost forget with all the work fisting going on.

- It'll be sad not to hang with E and Johnny Blue eyes- though I am sure they will not miss me and my bitchery, but unless Ruddy Kors drowns in a jacuzzi full of dicks or SOMETHING changes, I am out like my titties on a Saturday night- back in the day when I was into that sort of thing.

Good Things I Have Put In My Mouth Lately- The Part of BK Walking Snacking Tour

2011-03-13T17:46:00.005-04:00

Some of the best laid plans are ones that haven't...been...laid. Hmm.
Anyways, I was sleeping in yesterday when my friend LBee text me and asked what I was up to. Since I learned you can't ALWAYS be honest and say: about to wipe this drool off my face and contemplate going back to sleep.
Instead I said that I wasn't up to much but had to get dressed. This gave me time to wipe drool AND still seem like I may have had plans to do more with my day than just sleep, eat, watch Bones on Hulu and then maybe get some laundry in.

After some AMAZING (sarcasm)train travel, I meet up with LBee on Fulton Street in good ole BROOKLYN. We both had the same moment of: wow, why don't I ever come around here and shop more often...then walking a block and realizing why...then laughing at the newly placed White (pioneers) people walking about on Fulton.
We decided to stroll through a small farmers market and head to DUMBO where we would walk about and then start our BK WALKING SNACKING TOUR-Early Spring Edition. One of the reasons LBee and I are cool peeps is because she believes that you gather with your peeps and you have laughs n' shit...but you ALSO EAT. Eating is essential.
I thought about stopping at Starbucks and grabbing a smoothie or something, but then decided we should just get to eating...so we did.

We started at a sushi spot right next to the Starbucks-right off Front Street I believe it's called Miso Sushi (I think that's what it's called-I AM AN AWESOME BLOGGER).
Here we ordered a signature roll by them called the Splendid Roll and it was...splendid. Great texture. Crunchy carrots, asparagus, tempura flakes, sesame seeds and then soft avocado. All deliciousness!

Next up was the seaweed salad. As we were KILLING IT, I realized I should probably take a pic of this. Needless to say...it was very good!

To add a lil warmth in a non-sake way, we had some veggie spring rolls. The dipping sauce was perfectly sweet and spicy. Crunchy deliciousness again!

Now good consistent eating and walking throughout the day is about balance. So we had to decide to how balance out this healthy meal-ICE CREAM. We were very close to the BK Ice Cream Factory...but we had to walk by the Jacques Torres chocolate shop...and that is when I saw and SMELLED the Wicked Hot Cocoa (basically Mexican hot chocolate) and HAD TO HAVE IT. Though some would call it bitching out on some ice cream, yo! I was a lil chilled.

LBee being NOT bitch made (like myself) went for it! She got herself a butter pecan ice cream cone from the BK Ice Cream Factory!

After checking out various furniture stores and seeing how the area has completely changed-including this indoor mall that was filled with uppity Black people selling jewelry and giving dudes Will.I.Am haircuts!! We didn't stay there too long.
LBee mentioned wanting a hot toddy. Since we wanted to keep it Brooklyn AND combine a nice combo of food n' drink, I mentioned Sidecar (Park Slope), a great spot my friends husband and his brother own. The food and drink are always ON POINT! LBee was down, but first we stopped by Floyd (Atlantic Avenue) (they have a bocce ball court!) to pick up Ms. AssShadows- okay to understand her incognito name you must understand the story. For some reason we were talking about ass hole bleaching and Ms. AssShadows mentioned that if you can even SEE the ass hole-if your ass doesn't make a shadow- then you need to eat more!
Being that we are women that make ass shadows- we agreed.
Ms. AssShadows was DOWN with some Sidecar action, so we rolled there-cuz Ms. AssShadows has wheels-thus cutting out the walking part of the tour. We did continue with the eating part though.

Sidecar was the PERFECT cap off to our perfect day- it's cozy, has a waiter who's a South African trapeze artist (who has thankfully forgotten our first encounter when I sexually harassed him throughout my meal) and just a good vibe.

We started with cocktails.

Starting from left to right: LBee got a glass of Sarancha- a red wine I am guessing from the color ;P, I got a Sticky Fingers-has Brugal rum, ginger wine...ginger soda I think...it is just DELICIOUSNESS!! and Ms. Ass Shadows got an Old Cuban- rum, fresh mint...and something else- again it was DELISH. She calls it her summertime DRANK (since she frequents Sidecar as well).
Next up was the White Bean Dip (sans bacon) appetizer. Mmmm mmmm!

Then came our entrees. This is when it was proven why LBee and Ms. AssShadows have flatter stomachs than I. They shared the Sidecar Salad (which has beets,cheese and goodness!) and fries (which are out of this world!). While I had the Moulles et Frites avec Chorizo all to myself!!

Finally for dessert, though we REALLY wanted the Caramel Bourbon Bread Pudding, we wound up getting the Apple Cobbler. They RAN OUT of the bread pudding- and believe me the cobbler was DELISH, but we had been talking up the pudding. I don't even LIKE bread pudding, but I eat that ish! Our cute attentive waiter told us that the kitchen was REAL busy- which we could see since we were sitting at the bar. He said it could take two hours at least- if at all. We looked at each other and said with another drink and good conversation we could wait.
Black Diamond- the waiters name, though he is neither Black nor clear (it is a reference to the movie)- tried to keep the hope alive for us but then let us know that there was gonna be NO BREAD PUDDING TONIGHT!!! We humbly accepted our defeat...and ate the cobbler with the homemade whipped cream. MMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!

All in all, it was a great day and good times. Also, on an obvious note, you can see I GOT A NEW CAMERA! Woot! Winning!

The Place Where I Work: Another Bad Romance

2011-03-13T16:33:00.002-04:00

At this point, like some reality TV show where a bunch of schmucks eat grain and snakes for a week on some deserted island for a chance to win 1 million dollars, I have survived another week of work and haven't been told to not come back. Good for my pockets, but I don't know how my psyche is doing.
It's just that I am so tired sometimes I am unable to write- as you (three) have probably noticed on my blog. My manuscript is suffering- and mostly, when I am unable to write and share my senseless ramblings it makes me sad.
This is why i just don't know about this job. Like I don't hate it- it has its moments- but mostly it is challenging and the work day goes by quickly. Also, the people help. Well we know I am always 10 seconds from throwing Ruddy Kors into traffic, but mostly everyone is cool. Bearable. Not likely to be thrown from a window. The patients on the other hand...some of them chance having their jugular punctured with a plastic knife-because that is all that is handy in the kitchen and in the Cafe Metro downstairs.
While on the train one day I found myself making excuses for why I continue to go back. Kinda like someone in a bad relationship. I keep saying- well if they hire me and the money is legit, then I'll stay and it will get better...or I'll write my book and then bounce....or it'll be worth it in the end. I find a way to cope with bad behavior and un-orchestrated chaos because this is just the way it is and when I look at the clock it is almost time to go home. When I try to reason my way out of writing- by making it my fault and me just not putting in enough effort or needing to cut out another hour of sleep.
I sound just like person who is trying to explain why their significant other is an asshole and if you just gave them chance you would see that they are not ALWAYS like this it's just they are tired/drunk/out of work/lost their favorite thing/change of seasons/didn't have coffee/etc.

Just sounds like a truckload of bullshit really, BUT in these tough economic times and my need for fluffy coffee drinks, brunches and laptops- I will bite the bullet (if the money is right) and have these means justify my ends.

Good Things I Have Put In My Mouth Lately- Part 1

2011-03-09T22:24:00.000-05:00

Calm down. You will not be visually entertained with various cocks!
Nasty.
No, instead you will see some AMAZING things I've been eating lately. Not often enough because it is not yet time for me to be bedridden on a 38,000 calorie a day diet.

Let's start with this brussel sprout, bacon and onion pizza I had at the oscar party I went to. I still dream about this pizza and I am glad I don't recall where it was made because I would wake up from blacking out covered in blood and surrounded by pizza boxes. I think the blood would be from people trying to stop me from eating the pizza...but what do I know? I've blacked out.
This shall be eaten again...but in the near distant future so that it will still be a treat and I won't start killing peeps.

Next we have le pain perdu aka one of the best french toasts I have put in my mouth EVER! I had this at Landmarc Tribeca (yes, I am REAL fancy, huh). My friend Moo told me of this french toast that looked like a steak and was almost the size of the plate. There was silence and then I looked into her eyes deeply and said: I must eat this, soon!
She agreed and so she, Margo and I made it happen. Normally when something is so good I finish it and yearn for more-basically eating it till I hurt. This le pain perdu WON. It owned me. It bent me over with no lube and no love. I ate a great a deal BUT COULD NOT FINISH THIS DELICIOUS THICK CUT BREAD DIPPED IN EGG INFUSED WITH VANILLA AND THEN SEARED IN A PAN WITH BUTTER AND THEN PUT ON MY PLATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
We will battle again...and I will.be.ready!

Lastly, call it straight je ne se quois, but I've been about cheese. Cheese and either pita chips or gluten free brown rice chips- because I am healthy, yo. My thinking is that French women eat a lot of cheese (supposedly) and they aren't known for being obese like we Americans.
I dunno. It just tastes good and is a feel good snack. I also pretend to smoke cigarettes and speak like 'Amelie'.

Looking forward to MORE delicious things to put in my mouth!!

The Place Where I Work: DisBanded

2011-03-05T19:12:00.000-05:00

Oh man. What a fuckin' week!!
Started off with the usual insanity and then it got totally 'Sheen'd out' in that bitch. Meaning shit got crazy-but not in a winning way...kinda like Charlie Sheen himself. I mean, is he really winning?
Anyways, I digress.
The Band of Temps was once 3 and a half- the half being Johnny Blue Eyes because he isn't vetted, meaning he hasn't been there for a lil over a month like the rest of us. Now we are just 2 and half!! Just me and E. S&M (only cuz those are her initials and it works), was suddenly let go! Since it is a small office this means the peeps that are left are doing like 3 peoples jobs. INSANITY.
I let them know I will not be driven crazy and almost walked out on Thursday. Just grab my coat and go. I can do that too because I am A TEMP!
*sigh* E, Johnny Blue Eyes and I are sad and most likely are going to ban together to poison Ruddy Kors who always walks the fine line of being amusing and then just being an asshole just full of hot air...basically he is a...fart.
Wow, that was GENIUS!!!
Ruddy Kors is pretty much the worst and we'll see how long it takes for him to be found face down in a steaming bowl of dicks AKA his dream death.

**Sidebar** If anything were to happen to him, I hope Benson, Stabler, Munch and Finn don't use this as evidence. I hope they realize that I talk a lot of shit and don't have a murderous bone in me unless it's around that time of month OR I am REALLY hungry.
**Sidebar out**

Dear Ice T: Formal Wear

2011-03-05T18:45:00.001-05:00

Beesus Asks:

Dear Ice,

Since I've been invited to a formal dress party in Williamsburg. Now I know I'll hafta be hella drunk before I even step outta the door, so what sort of outfit should I don? Slut it up or keep it safe?

Sincerely,
Beesus.

Ice T Says:
What up, B? Any occasion to put on your fineries AND be drunk is a good thing. Since you'll be in Williamsburg-from what I hear from T- you can wear a thong and baseball jacket, and still be considered legit.
Since you know what it is-wear what you want, what the fuck I look like? Lagerfeld? Wear clothes...slutty is a pipe laying guarantee though.
If you happen to meet a dude, share your flask if you want- and it won't matter what the fuck you're wearing...if he's straight. Keep it safe...wrap it up!

Oscar Rundown: The Package

2011-02-28T22:41:00.000-05:00

We all know the Oscars 2011 were a snoozefest- though 'future academy award winning peeps' AKA mere actors, are all like: it's the OSCARS!!!! Meaning, that it's the.best.thing.ever and can do no wrong...and if you're British, then yes, it was AMAZING.
If you're like me, a cool suave American woman who's in it for her loins, then you were only kept awake by the promise of something to eat and a chance to hate- meaning you were at an Oscar Party eating and talking shit.

So, I will not bore you with the same shit everyone's been saying about the Oscars: James Franco and Anne Hathaway could've been replaced by Oprah's titties in that dress for 2 hours and I would've been fine, the Bob Hope 'death hologram' they dug Billy Crystal out of his condo in Florida for was creepy, there were hardly any Black people thanks to Monique and Gaboray Sidibe's (sp) big asses last year-just too much Black for the masses, if Gwyneth Paltrow is onstage singing ONE MORE FUCKING TIME imma piss all over some macro-biotic greens and throw them at people, really thought I was going to witness Kirk Douglass die onstage and then have night mares FOR LIFE, etc.
I really lost all interest in the show....in the hating (somewhat), after seeing James Franco in that (tedious, predictable) opening in that Black Swan number...wearing the lycra one piece??!!!
The cock is a helluva drug- I mean thing. Pre seeing that, I was all: fuck James Franco, no really, I would fuck him but I wanna punch him in the face.
THEN I saw him in that tight onsie and was like: my word! *swoon*
I shall no longer hate on him...even if he smoked a ton of weed before the show and tried n' failed at hipster humor. Leave the hipster humor in that dive bar in Bed-Stuy, when you're at the Oscars you play the FUCKIN' game! You act like you wanna be there and you just walk around with lycra one piece so that we can all see the borders and outlines of your cock.
Totally forgot about Jake Gyllenfuck...but I did want Justin Timberlake to give me a 'pearl necklace'. Also, Javier Bardem can hire me as a babysitter-just wanna watch the man shower, am not trying to break up a happy home!

Anyways, the Oscars 2011 were balls-literally, James Franco's.
James, I hear you're back in NYC...holla.:)

Conversations with Ice: Dear Ice T...It Begins

2011-02-26T00:39:00.000-05:00

** Conversations with Ice started when I needed to work through things. I have always enjoyed Ice T and think that he should be my life coach/mentor/friend so I started having these 'conversations' with him and he helps me with his blunt wisdom. The thing is, I wanna share Ice's wisdom with everyone! I think he can help people- though you'll never be as cool with him as I am (not)... life's hard questions will be answered and Ice can carry on the tradition of being the great humanitarian he is. So please, use the comment box and let Ice T help solve your problems!!! He's gonna give it to ya straight...like an erect penis banging against your eardrum**

Since this is the initial Dear Ice T I shall start off with one of (my many) dilemma's. Let's see how it goes...

Honey T asks: Dear Ice T, why are people shitty? Okay, you've answered that already for me before- but I mean, why do they do shitty things and pretend like shit is cool? Is it ill-intentioned fuckery or just a poor sense of judgment?

Ice T responds: Hey T- *ahem* Honey T. Listen, it all depends. If the person is a so called friend and they're doing shitty things that's one thing, but if it's some random person that's a whole other.
The only common thing is...the shitty thing. It still stinks and it's still shit. I say, you know where you stand with these people and I now if someone handed me shit I wouldn't be giddy about it...and if they try to pretend that shit is just a turd shaped piece of chocolate...would you be giddy about getting a turd shaped piece of chocolate? I wouldn't.
Be smart and cut your losses.

The Place Where I Work: I Am Easy (Like A Sunday Morning)

2011-02-25T23:33:00.000-05:00

Oh where to begin with work this week....
First, we know GW aka Greek Wedding is gone-we welcomed Johnny Blue Eyes. No his name is not Johnny, but dudes eyes are blue and he is Italian...and a name like Johnny Blue Eyes seems like something an Italian city boy would have. JBE is the perfect yin to Ruddy Kors yang. He is chill- like weed every day chill- and finds Ruddy Kors's insanity pretty funny.
Speaking of Ruddy Kors, he is off my (very long) 'shit list' simply because he fed me. We were all feeling snacky at work and he bought us all dumpings. I've said it before- you feed me and I like you. Am like a pet that way.
Anyways, Johnny Blue Eyes thinks I am hilarious so he is cool with me too- feed the ego and I like you.
The Band of Temps are doing well- staying strong and keeping each other sane. Also, keeping the love going between the hot ex football player and myself. Like most dudes worth fucking for like one night or a few years with no expectations of a conversation that isn't about: the weather, liking music (saying only that and nothing more), how hot you/they are, etc.- what I'm saying is that the ex football dude is mostly brawn and not a lot of brains...BUT he is hangin' at the Winter Music Conference in Miami next weekend and is getting Ruddy Kors into some parties (because he'll happen to be in Miami next weekend).
Damn, I wish I were sluttier-I'd be at parties in Miami...chillin'. Then he'd get to talking or something and it would be OVER. *le sigh*

My Thing With Jon B.

2011-02-22T23:27:00.001-05:00

The 90's were pretty awesome. The music, the clothes...the perfect mix of soft n' hard with original dance moves to boot. TV was AMAZING- I mean 'Martin' and 'Buffy the Vampire Slayer'-HELLO!
This was also the time when I entered the world of the soulful White boy.
See, I didn't grow up during the times of Tom Jones, Michael McDonald or KC and the Sunshine Band- AKA the OG soulful White boys. I had Jon B.
Nose flared, ears ablaze....I was taken in with the lure and appeal of the soulful White man.
Though there were a few fleeting moments where I thought Mr. B was Latino, I later realized he wasn't. He was just a talented soulful White boy.
I bought his first CD...then his second....then his third. Soon I realized I was either dating or obsessed with dudes who looked Jon B..
A problem...maybe? To this day if there is a White looking dude with a goatee and a close haircut-I am giving him a second glance. Maybe even a smile and a titty shimmy.
Why has my Jon B. complex lasted so long?? When will it stop?? Is it the smooth R&B stylings? The sexually suggestive/romantical lyrics in his steamy falsetto?

I just don't know. Don't think this blog produced any breakthroughs, but it did shed some light on one of my MANY issues.

The Place Where I Work: We've Only Just Begun....

2011-02-19T17:45:00.000-05:00

And then there were three...
The Band of Temps is now down to three! GW- which stands for GreekWedding because she was Greek and is getting married later this year. GW was MISERABLE. Miserable, but needing to work. She would tell us how she would cry every morning that she had to come to the office- and I would say: um, you're a temp. call the agency and tell them you want out!
She didn't though.
I get it. She had to work directly with Ruddy Kors-who preys on the weak. You have to have a certain kind of demeanor to deal with him. GW didn't have that demeanor. So the tension was....tense. To the point where I almost couldn't take it...GW pulled us all into it and in the end we were all like: just find another gig. life is short!
Then on Thursday I guess The Doc and Ruddy Kors had enough and asked her not to come back.
Woah.
I felt horrible, but noticed how different the office felt on Friday. Like the work is intense and Ruddy Kors is still cray cray, but somehow it all works.
Remember what I said about fit, it doesn't have to be perfect but there needs to be a good fit. A good feeling and vibe. One person can change that. GW was a nice chick BUT she was MISERABLE and misery truly does want company!
I tried to help and give her advice....but there's only so much one can do.

I have my own job email account. This could get real. I have until March or April to decide if I can stick it out till the book deal comes through.

In other news, it was FRIDAY yesterday. A beautiful preview of Spring-like Friday! The office vibe was better and I was going to be hanging with my friend Ru and crew for some after work tostones and dranks. It was an early (for me) night of great laughs, stripper poles, JuanB- this latin dude who looked like R&B sensation Jon B who I will ALWAYS have mad love for, dranks and just good vibes. Love good people...and good food.

Monday, I will be back at work- no holiday for me. The hot ex football player will be back in and I will just stare- NO! Actually I must do like my boy Ru says- open my heart, while I'm young n' tight! Need to get out there...back in the game. YEAH!!!!!

...okay. Now to do laundry and prepare for an evening of deep conditioning, watching 'Nikita' on HULU, making either tacos or veggie samosas and then sleeping like a freshly washed baby's ass.
Gimme time. I'll warn ya when it's time to lock up your sons, bro's, fathers, male friends you fuck but aren't dating seriously....

The Place Where I Work: I Am Not Piss Poor Morally

2011-02-16T22:24:00.000-05:00

Today was an extremely pleasant day at work because Ruddy Kors was out!!!! Ruddy Kors is that ONE person in a small, easygoing office who makes things FUCKING CHAOTIC for no reason. Well...he does it because he has no idea what he is doing, but talks a good game. Me and the Band of Temps- there are four temps-to- perms in the office. All cool, all part of the 'new regime' and all ready to lock Ruddy Kors in a tanning bed (because he obviously tans). The Band of Temps and I were able to get our work done, help each other out with stuff and bond.
We'll see how long we all last...or if there will be a slaying.
Besides having a great working environment for the day- including chatting with The Doc who seems cool and nice enough-I had a fleeting love affair. Well brief...maybe non-existent...affair.
There he was. Tall, broad, shaved head and scruffed. We would've had some pretty yella kids. He's an ex football player which didn't excite me, his eye fucking me did. The Band of Temps helped me with my 'research' on him until someone asked if he was married...and of course he is!
*sigh*
So that was that. I was this close to letting someone claim my fine ass and break in my womb like a ...new...mattress...
In any case, he is coming next week and I shall non-creepily leer at him until another hottie rolls into the office and distracts me.

1. When I Am Asked....

2011-02-15T22:12:00.000-05:00

...about my outfit choice- meaning it may look shitty or weird, but to me it's just Fashion Week and though I no longer work in the fashion industry and my years as the worlds most unrecognized supermodel have long passed- I still feel that when them tents (are there still tents)go up it's time for me to get my quirky swerve on.

...if I am seeing the Justin Beaver (Bieber) film which was shot in 3D- I said unless that kid is getting dp'd in 3D I have NO INTEREST.

...what really happened with me and Jake Gyllenfuck. Why didn't our love come to be? Thanks to the movie The Adjustment Bureau (starring Matt Damon) all is explained. It wasn't in the cards for us, he had a choice between stardom n' teenagers or the love that can sustain a starving man in a dessert for months....and he chose poorly.;P

VDay Poetry

2011-02-12T23:35:00.000-05:00

**We all know whether single or coupled up, I am not into Valentines Day. I'm in to love- because to truly hate you MUST know love- but not into cheesy shit like dudes in blouses n' skinny jeans, cards and stuffed teddy bears. In any case, I am a writer and I must give the people what they want...though NO ONE has actually asked me to write some VDay poetry, but I am a giver.**

don't give me cheap chocolates n flowers
or any shit you can give to any chick
don't take me to a restaurant- actually do that
because a lady likes to eat n' chat
make me a mix cd/tape filled with songs that allude to friendly rape
prince's 'if i was your girlfriend' better be included
if you want to do it
because 'baby can i dress ya...' is one of the sexiest phrases
let's put some milkshakes in vases
if you recite any poetry, there will be no where to go with me
not to a window, not to a wall
i won't be bouncing off your balls
because fake flowery words don't excite me
speak from the heart- or how my ass is like a work of art
and delight me

The Place Where I Work: Nipple Pimple

2011-02-12T22:13:00.001-05:00

Having sensitive and sometimes lovely skin is a gift and a curse. Because sleeping is my hobby, my lack of it has caused a pimple to rise on one of the many choicest spots on my face: my left cheekbone.
I know better then to pop it or touch it-but I can stare at it for a long while in the mirror and angrily squint.

Work. Oh man, hours...long hours of intensity and some funny times. Ruddy Kors is still making smoothies and causing drama where there needn't be. He is also ON THE PROWL. I thought I walked around with my clit on a sleeve- like heart on a sleeve BUT BETTER!- but Ruddy Kors has me beat. Let any decent looking guy come into the office and he is like a schoolgirl. Giggling. Flrting. Yet, he is a tad leacherous. The office is expanding so we had this dude I'll call That Guy coming in to take measurements. That Guy is tall, good looking, body like WHAT and dumb as shit. Perfect recipe for being...that guy. He is something nice to look at...which I was happily doing till I saw Ruddy Kors looking too...leering, nasty. I felt dirty.

There's another character in the office, a nurse I'll call Lisa Lamponelli...because she reminds of comedian Lisa Lamponelli...just not as crude or funny. We'll see about her....
That was meant to sound ominous because I see her ability to come into my lane causing me to introduce her to oncoming traffic.

The Place Where I Work: Get In Where You Fit In

2011-02-08T22:10:00.000-05:00

Ever feel like you don't belong somewhere because you have NO IDEA what you are doing ...yet for some odd reason it all clicks?
That is what's happening with me and this new place. Maybe it's because most of the peeps are new and we are wading through the shit together- but shit feels good.
It could be the excitement of not knowing if you'll be there the following week either....hmmm
Anyways, am getting into my groove. Already have a Starbucks- where I am ALREADY getting upgrades AND have a boo. His name is Juan and he loves himself some me. The only unfortunate thing are the tourists that linger in my Starbucks. They linger with their croissants and lingering. Air thick with shit-tons of cologne and perfumes and they stand there. In the middle of everywhere. Staring at the menu or just chatting about their big day in New York City. Then you have me and a few other working peoples just trying to get their coffee and the back of their hands rubbed by Juan's thumb.
...that could just be me though.

The Time I Went To See Das Racist AKA Remembering When I Was Cool

2011-02-05T20:53:00.001-05:00

There was a time when I was FUCKIN' AWESOME. I know, I know- I am pretty swell now, but back in the day (like 4 or 5 years ago) I was FUCKIN' AWESOME.
Would go see amazing shows because I didn't hate crowds of people so much and had more patience. I also would drink to numb the hate rising inside of me. Also didn't care about rolling into work hungover and shitty looking- because I NEVER LOOKED shitty. I was younger and resilient.
Now, it's a whole other bag of dicks.
If I don't get the proper amount of sleep AND I drink- I awake bloated, swollen and looking like I don't know what moisturizer or concealer is.

When Margo asked if I wanted to attend a Das Racist show with her- I was like cool. Surprising, but I liked these dudes. Plus, back when I was FUCKIN' AWESOME- Margo was right there with me.
Together we had dinner and reminisced about being cool..then walked to the Highline Ballroom to catch the show. We limited ourselves to 2 drinks (because of the whole swollen thing) and ventured into the crowd. Now Margo predicted that the crowd would be mostly White...and probably hipster. I agreed. She was proven right- except the White peeps we deemed cool by bringing Black people with them!
Margo was one of those cool people (I'm Black remember)-then this White guy rolled in with this Black chick...who's hair was alll natural (meaning no perm). Now I have a slight perm because my hair is so thick...and I want to be able to do it proper...because if I don't look good, then shit ain't right.
..sadly, Margo lost the 'be cool and bring a Black person' game.
There were a few Indians (because 2 of the dudes in the group are Indian) sprinkled in the crowd...but a whole lot of nerds, hipsters and assholes in the crowd made the experience kinda...ugh. It also made Mags (Margo) and I thankful we've outgrown the whole being cool thing- and aren't like some peeps our age still caught up in the bullshit. Now, I am not saying we can't have fun...it's a different kind...or have 'once in a while' type of thing. Like going to shows or drinking Patron all night and waking up with a bloodied knife in your hand.

Jasmine Solano was one of the opening acts AND DJi'ing. She was moving the crowd, Mags and I were feeling her...then Mags poetically stated: I didn't pay 10 bucks to see some Jasmine Solano.
I agreed. She was on for too too long!
There was another opening act, a dude named Danny Brown. He had a perm, an ill (BAD) haircut, silk shirt and white jeans on. Basically the makings of a dude I would hate- though I LOVE Andre 3000 (though he has a perm and wears silver lame`, he is mad talented and HOT)I blamed him for this. This Danny Brown, at first, was funny and his beats were sick. THEN like Ms. Solano, it got old and we grew bored. There's only soooo many times you can hear about a bitch sucking you off and you don't care (that would be a rap from Mr. Brown).
Usually when I'm at a show and left un-entertained by who's on stage, I try to find a hot aka potential mindfuck to focus on. There were NONE in this crowd. This made me yearn for my bed and a DVD.

Finally after another round of female DJ's-along with Ms. Solano, there was this other DJ...I don't recall her name, but she had on the most ill-fitting jeans. Will call her DJ IllJeans. I guess we were supposed to be amazed by her 'skills'. Wow, look at her go. She turned on her computer...and went down her iTune music list...oh wait!-she just threw her arms in the air!!! Wow.
See this is why I HATE that cerrato/serrano/I don't give a fuck what the name is because it makes me angry. Like I get it. Who wants to carry around a shit ton of records????
...but NOW EVERYONE is a DJ. Now even more mediocre people think they are good at something, something that anyone with 2 fingers and a computer can do. Fuck that! It's boring and makes me BOIL OVER WITH ANGER!!!!!!!!! Where was I??
Okay, so Das Racist comes out looking like some dudes. Like dudes I see on the Q train) getting off at Kings Highway (Brooklyn) going to each others house to play Grand Theft Auto and drink YooHoo's.
In other words, they were awesome. They opened with "Who's That Brown?"- (one of my faves) and really brought the energy levels up. The ultimate nerd in me was wayyyy too excited about the Aeon Flux (amazing cartoon) playing in the background. It was great to was some Flux and hear them.
Unfortunately, because I am older, wiser, more responsible, and VAIN...I could only stay for a couple of songs. From what I saw though...would've TOTALLY enjoyed the whole thing, probably punched someone the fuck out and would've bought a t-shirt.

I am not that cool anymore though...so I left on a high note and got some zzz's.

The Place Where I Work: Yeah, so....

2011-02-05T18:37:00.000-05:00

...what once was a week may now be a job. Out of the blue I am working at a fancy doc's office...doing things I have never done before, rolling with uppity beatches in an uppity hood...but more importantly- I am making money!
Perhaps they sense my inner rich bitch and that is why they were like: you're in! Yes, the past week was like hell week...or an episode of a reality show competition. It started with me and then 3 other temps. The office was going through an overhaul...they wanted fresh faces and peeps who were computer savvy. They also wanted a look. I know this because I was there from the beginning and heard the whole process. Age was a factor too...
Anyways, it started with 4 and now there are just 2! Me and this other girl. The office manager/fitness expert is like a ruddy colored Michael Kors (Kors is more orange). He is also in better shape...but like Michael Kors all the same. We'll call him Ruddy Kors. Ruddy Kors and The Doc were the major decision makers. I really didn't think I would last-mostly because I didn't want to...but such is my life. I don't want it and it wants me. Though this also proves that though I am the most efficient asshole, I am personable, young looking aka FRESH FACED biches, and well put together. Professional, even. Hot always!
Ruddy Kors likes making every shakes-protein, fruit, veggie...
Yeah that's another thing. Healthy environment. Like really...which works with where I am heading-to a healthier, sexier me...BUT I have my limits and I am also slightly crazed. This means that all this healthy makes me wanna eat more BAD stuff. It's a vicious cycle.

Needless to say the real winners are the 3 of you that read my blog because I feel the stories will be ENDLESS here. END.LESS.

A Dash of Work And A Lot About Being An Asshole

2011-02-01T22:59:00.000-05:00

So it was day 2 at the doctors office- a specialty doc who caters to a moneyed clientele. Clientele like Yoko Ono who deals with NO ONE. That is the kinda asshole- well moneyed asshole- I want to be. The one where I lose the ability to speak to anyone (common folk), only through my assistant- a gay man named either Romeo or Usher (OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO hahahah give that dude something to do). Will also lose the ability to walk- will travel via Maybach or helicopter or be carried by a Samoan named Hi-Top...and will have a midget woman named Beatrice feed me because being rich will make my arm muscles limp (from counting all that cheddah) and therefore unable to to lift my fork.
Needless to say, I'll be happy when this week is over and I no longer have to wonder what kind of emotion people are expressing because they are botoxed and facially surgeried soooooo effin' tight! Only eyes blink and lips move....
What gets me through besides youth n' great genes are my asshole epiphanies.
We all know I don't strive to be an ass but I am damn good at it when need be. So when a dude- from the dating site I am a part of- emails me...saying I obviously like being the center of attention. He can tell this because of the pics of me I posted...to my...profile. Hmmm. I wrote him back mentioning that that is the point. Perhaps he was being humorous or meant something else by it...I'll find out whenever I decide to read his response.
Either way imma be an asshole about it. Why? BECAUSE I CAN!
....yeah, I am also an AWESOME dater.
OH, there is hope of me not living alone with my servants and cats. One of the chicks at the doctors office is IN LOVE WITH ME. Okay, actually....I will end up alone warmed by my chinchilla throw and whatever lover I plan on taking in. Preferably male and named Idris.

The Place Where I Work: Nip/Tuck...but not so much...

2011-01-31T21:08:00.000-05:00

Always interesting when you're temping gig to gig. Last week I was back at the financial place that didn't totally deplete my soul- it is also where Taller Latino Prince dwells. I wish he wore ruffles or something, it would keep me interested.
...anyways this week I am working at a doctors office- not a plastic surgeon- but definitely a doctor that caters to peeps with cheddah INCLUDING celebs. Let's just say I AM THIS close to another Oprah run-in. When that happens, look for me on OWN...my show will be on after Gayle's!
Besides running around like a chicken with its head cutoff...leaving NO TIME to share my thoughts on Facebook or to blog or have B send me pics of Nicholas Cage looking pensive with his weave blowing in the wind- I find myself checking out just HOW MUCH plastic surgery peeps have had. You know moneyed peeps LOVE themselves some botox and plastic surgery.
What moneyed peeps fail to realize is HOW HORRIBLE THEY LOOK!!! No one ever looks natural or human-just crazy and waxy. Bleah.
Of course there are no hot dudes-yet. It is a small office and dudes are either overly botoxed gays or mad LL Bean. LL Bean is my term for plain jane dudes who most likely wear...LL Bean.
We'll see how it all goes...

Best.Dream.Ever.

2011-01-27T12:33:00.001-05:00

It seems like it would be HARD to beat me dressed as a wizard with Michael Caine (aka Alfred from Batman movies) as my go-to man- see Snakes, Wizardry and The Revolution blog- but I have truly out dreamed myself, yo!
Now I almost forgot about this due to the FUCKIN' SNOW and trekking into work, but suddenly as I was getting ass blasted by work I remembered this amazing dream.

Of course I never know how it all begins, just know that I was Oprah's sidekick and we were filming a show about....wait for it....air sex cook offs!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My subconscious WINS!!!!!
Anywho, Oprah was wearing a yellow (most likely cashmere) sweater and we were in this staged kitchen. There was a woman holding a rolling pin, wearing an apron...making an 'O' face as she slow grinded the air. Oprah and I both look at each other most likely with the same expression of 'HOLY SHIT!'

That is all I can remember because my alarm went off and I went into snow mode. This meant preparing myself for the possibility/reality of my trains not running and having to trek to another train...which is what I did.
Remembering this dream made it alllllllllllllllll better!

**Please note: Though Air Sex Championships exist- Air Sex Cookoff's DO NOT! This is why my subconscious WINS. So know that if there ever is a day when they DO exist, it was me. Me and my subconscious...and maybe whatever I had for dinner last night.**

Conversations With Ice: Bones and Boners.

2011-01-26T16:05:00.001-05:00

A day like today- all gloomy and wet snow slushie- makes Ice T (the ultimate friend in my head) and I feel real...bleah. He has also been avoiding apologetic calls/run-ins from/with Kanye (West) so we decide to make popcorn and watch Hollywood Shuffle and Love Actually to cheer us up. Ice is still slow to smile though...which is a tragic loss to the world. Sara's smile has nothing on Ice T's.

Me: What gives, Ice? You didn't giggle once during the Negro Theater commercial in Hollywood Shuffle and not even a sniffle when Liam Neeson and his son are on the couch watching Titanic in Love Actually!

Ice T: A lot on my mind, T. The whole father son thing makes me sad too...

Me: Oh...because your son was recently arrested for exposing himself at a strip club?

Ice T: Dammit T! Why'd you have to be all Temperence Brennan with it-

Me: (hold up hand for hi-5) Nice Bones reference! (he waits a while and hi-5's me back) You know we keep it too real, Ice.

Ice T: I know...and there's no way to sugarcoat that shit either.

Me: Yeah, it must be tough. Here you are- a pimp, and your offspring is straight swagger-less...

Ice T: Don't go too far, T. There were circumstances-

Me: ...like he didn't see the 'no sex in the champagne' room sign?

Ice T: I'm sad. I'm in pain and you mock me...

Me: You would do the same. Ice, this is how we do. We kick each other when we're down so that we get back up and maybe even kick back.

Ice T: Yeah, yeah....man, I remember when he and I watched our first porn together and homie didn't show any emotion. Thought he was going to be okay....guess I was wrong-

Me: Emotionless porn watching is a sign of strength?

Ice T: Yes. Most cats get all amped over the hint of some titties- a man, a pimp...a mother fuckin' legend is indifferent. Like it's an everyday occurrence...'oh you had a menage, my dude?' 'well that's a Tuesday for me, playa.'...and so on.

Me: Ah, the key to true pimpdom is not being thirsty, but being blase`-how come that doesn't work for me?

Ice T: There's a fine line between blase' and asexual.

Me: Truth.

Ice T:...and there he is. My son, getting all hyped up...taking his ish all out....

Me: Well, he might've been drunk...or his friends dared him- you know boys.

Ice T: I know, but this is MY son...

Me: What if he was taking it out to smurf a ho?

Ice T: (smiles for the first time) Yeah, like maybe she was talking too much junk during the lapdance and he was like: imma show you!

Me: Exactly. Also, this is why you should just let your son date me-

Ice T: As lovely as that sounds I would lose respect for you getting turned out by a teenager.

Me: Puh-lease.

Ice T: Sweet T, my son would have you singin' Hebrew hymns and we ain't even Jewish....

Me: Wow. Good to have you back Ice....

Ice T: Thanks for bringing me back with your ridiculousness.

Me: My gift...and my curse. (we hi-5 again)

The End.

Dear Idris Elba,

2011-01-26T10:19:00.001-05:00

A few years ago while coming back from lunch I ran into you-and it was magical. There you stood across the street on your cell and I instantly noticed you. I mean, you are fine. Tall, broad shouldered, with the walk of a long lean jungle cat.
I didn't know who you were...and then you said 'hello'. To me. You also checked me out-obviously you have great taste.
I didn't jump you right then n' there because I was seeing someone and as much as I talk A LOT of SHIT, I am not the cheating type.
...of course, had I known he would turn out to be lame- I would've at least properly followed/stalked you.
I have mentioned this before, but I like reliving this moment. It also causes me to kick myself repeatedly.

Anyways, I am writing because I heard that the chick you settled for (most likely because you couldn't have me) told you she was carrying your baby and then you found out that wasn't true. Good on ya for getting a DNA test, but it does suck to be played so hard when you could've been boo'd up real decent-like with me.
All I'm saying is...come home boo. Like LL (Cool J) says at the end of the classic 'I Need Love': I'll be waiting... I love you
...okay I think he says that-either way it works!

Always,
Honey T

Energy Balls.

2011-01-20T22:50:00.000-05:00

I've established that just because I am a hot commodity- not just attractive, but have a personality that is as seductive as a cat rolling around on the floor in heat. Pretty hot, pretty noisy.
This dude emails me. I have never met him, but he saw me and thought: why not?
So he emails me and it's cool. I don't hate him immediately. Then like maybe 5 emails in (over a course of a few days) he writes something about my lips- it wasn't sweet as much as it was pervy. He apologizes for being crass but says he is undersexed and lack of sleep.
Um, who are you telling about being UNDERSEXED yet I don't write about placing myself upon random dudes faces and then cop out by saying I am tirrrrred.
Needless to say...I never emailed him back. Why bother?
With his 'never say die' attitude, dude emails me again. This time he offers a blind date meet up at a...wait for it...RAVE!
Did I jump in my Delorian and head back to the late 90's (or whenever I was in college)...back to the time when I went to raves n' shit. No, I didn't wear candy necklaces...but I did wear a cowboy hat.
Yep.
Let that sit with you for a minute. Me in a cowboy hat. Midriff baring shirt, windpants, skechers....not high AT ALL...at a rave.

In the nicest (sweetest) way possible I let the dude know that I had no intentions of recapturing my youth by going to a rave- I will recapture my youth by banging 21 year old dudes though. Just give me a few years.

The Place Where I Work: Warm Body

2011-01-18T16:08:00.000-05:00

Once in a while it'll be raining out so I'll be sleeping in soundly. Dreaming of kicking up my Laboutin covered feet on a bed of Egyptian cotton sheets and The Rock has just blended me a pina colada...and is shirtless, and wants to play a board game.
Then my phone rings-bringing back to my reality- and it is my agency and I am needed for an assignment for the day. Awesome.
I throw on clothing. Gulp down coffee and curse as I realize it is raining and icy. As I keep myself upright and walking at a fast pace, I notice a guy wearing a manfur (man wearing a fur coat-most hated by me). he has no umbrella. I smirk at him in a hateful way...'have fun smelling like a wet animal all day, dude!' I think to myself.
Once at my assignment- slightly later because the MTA stays sucking on massive cocks- I am greeted by free beverages and various TV screens showing ships n' shit- also a dude who says: if you need anything, give me a ring.
I ask him for a burger and fries, he chuckles and disappears.
Then I read over things. Get myself acquainted with the lay of the land. Once bored I begin my search for hot dudes- there are none. This is when I begin my blog reading which helps. Some assignments just require a warm body and not any use of my brain, combat skills or culinary skills.
I'm not complainging though because I am getting paid. I am smiling a lot so that if I am available and there is need for a warm body- they call on me.
....soon, the ends will justify the means.

The Break-Up

2011-01-14T15:51:00.000-05:00

By now we've all heard about the breakup-Taylor 'ratface' Swift and Jake Gyllenfuck. When I found out about them going out, I stood upon a mountain top...there was lightning (making it official) and proclaimed: Damn you Jake Gyllenfuck now I shall never show you the pleasures of my loins!!!!!!
Then I went on to believe the gay rumors about him- I mean why else would he go out with HER????????? You might as well prop a teddybear and spray it down with something from Bath & Body Works and talk to it because that is what I imagine talking/hanging out with her is like.
...anyways, they broke up (big surprise) and besides there being a song in the works, I was surprised with both my ability to sort of forgive Jake...mostly because I hear he broke up with her MAD WRONG and I kinda like that. So, when I heard that he broke up with her over the phone a few days before New Years, I totally sat back and imagined how that conversation went- may have been doing it at work while creepily smiling to myself.

....here's how it went down (in my head):

Jake gets on the Q train seemingly unnoticed. He is visiting his sister who lives in Park Slope. Riding the train with the common folk make him feel adventurous-dangerous, even. Lately, he's been feeling...gummy, gummy like the gummy worms Taylor likes on the top of her ice cream- he tried placing some on 'P.O.P' aka Prince of Pussy...what he calls his penis, but she just giggled and started a pillow fight.
The train is not too crowded, yet Jake stands by the doors...sadly looking at everyone...feeling empty. He notices a young woman, her aura seems honey colored. She is reading and listening to her iPod- she doesn't notice Jake taking in her loveliness because she is giving the guy next to her the side eye (this would happen because I probably wouldn't notice Jake because my luck is ironic and cruel)...he is sitting like his balls are the size of coconuts.
After exiting the train and station, Jake decides to go for a walk around Prospect Park. He knew what he had to do. He takes his cellphone out.

Jake: (hits 'Pookie Bear' button on his phone-Taylor put that in, he frowns)

Taylor: (her music is playing in the background, she sounds breathless) Jakey-Bear! How's my cinnamon cider bear??

Jake: (still frowning) I'm okay. What are you up to?

Taylor: Working out. It's awards season and I want to look hot on your arm. I'm alllll grown up now, I'm ready to show the world.

Jake: Right...

Taylor: Everything okay? Did you get the care package I sent?!

Jake: Yes. It's...great...

Taylor: I sprayed the American Girl doll that looks like me with my perfume!

Jake: Ah...I don't play with dolls, Taylor. Listen...this isn't working.

Taylor: I know! I know you don't play with dolls...but it was sweet...what isn't working? I thought it was working fine...(giggles)

Jake: Taylor, we're not working. This was a mistake...I was going through something-you're a great girl-

Taylor: O M Geeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Jake: You're great. It's me, all me. Well...uh...Happy New Year...

Taylor: Happy New Year?!! That is so friggin'- (click)

Jake sighs and shrugs. He thinks about the girl with the honey colored aura, he smiles.