The Place Where I Work: Meat Palace
In today’s episode of: Meat Palace, we meet me. An unknowing participant in the days antics which include: meat, magic, pornographic facial hair, Smooth magazine, and high octane trance-including a pleasurable remix to Estelle’s hit, American Boy.
The day of amazement and meat began with House of Pain and Blair both being shocked at how chummy Drake and I are.
House of Pain: (exclaims) He made an effort to say hello to YOU.
Blair: Wow. I’m impressed!
House of Pain: You’ve got the magic touch girl-
Me: No, I’ve got a magical cooch.
…and scene! They look at me, shake their heads and resume pretending to work.
After a bit, a dude I call Pornstache (in my head) walks by. He and I don’t interact; we only smile at each other because he catches me staring at his porn-like moustache. I think about some mid tempo music playing. Pornstache is holding a pizza when- B interrupts my thoughts with a severe need to have Burger n’ Bitches Fridays moved to Gimme Meat Now Thursdays!!
So we went to GoodBurger today instead of tomorrow. B and I did our usual. Eat delicious burgers, talk about the important things in life and then dance it out to amazing trance remixes.
It was the norm, till HE walked in. A few weeks ago B met her American Psycho Killer-Lover…and today I met mine. I only noticed him because he looked INSANE. His head was tilted down, but he was lifting his eyebrows up, facing forward with a De Niro ‘you tawkin’ to me’ look. He walked with this swagger that could’ve been HOT if he wasn’t so…INSANE. I mean, it didn’t look like it fit HIM. In his pressed slacks, side part and ‘gee-golly-wow’ boyish face. He looked like his name was Pete-and he sometimes went by Petey and he worked the trade floor at JP Morgan.
Anywho, I was intrigued. I proceeded to stare at him and he proceeded to like it. Lifting one eyebrow at a time. Looking at me and lifting one eyebrow. The whole time B kept whispering: he’s going to KILL you. I said: I know…but I was just so intrigued by this brand of insanity. B and I get ready to leave, and I ask if I can say hi to him. She says no. Then as I zip up my coat, HE PULLS OUT A SMOOTH (AKA the Black man’s Playboy) MAGAZINE…as if this was going to be his lunchtime read as he ate!
Me: (in a slightly escalated whisper) B! B! He just pulled out a Smooth magazine!! I LOVE HIM!! Do you know what Smooth maga-
B: YES! I know what Smooth magazine is. We have to go. He is going to kill you.
Me: But…but don’t you understand. We are SOUL MATES! (he then turns to look at me and smirks) See!
B: Oh my God! We have to go!
Me: Can I leave him my number?
B: No! Come on!
…Sadly, we leave. All the way back to work I keep trying to find ways to go back to m’boo. Also, had to check in with B to see if THAT REALLY HAPPENED!!!
It did.
I get back from lunch to a chatty Drake. Of course my indifference adds to his sudden lust.
Drake: How was lunch?
Me: Good. Had a burger. How were those Smith & Wollensky sammiches?
Drake: (he shrugs) Not as good as a burger. Did you go to *mentions place that if I name you’ll be closer to figuring out where I work*?
Me: Nope, GoodBurger.
Drake: So you spent 14 dollars on a burger when you could’ve gone to *place that shall go unnamed* and had a good burger at a reasonable price?
Me: I’m a complicated woman. Also, it gives you a chance to take me to *place that shall go unnamed, but be the beginning of Drake and I bonin’ on the regs* so that I can see what all the fuss is about.
Drake: Yeah…
Me: Have you been to Burger Heaven?
Drake: No, how is it?
Me: Not good AND expensive.
Drake: Figures.
Me: Now Five Guys. That cheeseburger with grilled onions will change.your.life.
Drake: Well you can take me there and change it…
Me: Touché….
…aaaannnd scene! Drake then proceeds to do something else- like tend to his sudden erection. Ha! I kid.
During this conversation House of Pain and Blair pretended (but not really) to not be listening. Once Drake was out of earshot and eye…uh…shot, Blair gave me a thumbs up and mouthed: smoooooooooth. HOP proved why she always wins in my book; she proceeded to point in my direction, then his. She made a heart with her hands and then made a hole with her right hand and pointed her index finger on her left. She then simulated us bonin’. It was quite poetic…much like the day.
The day of amazement and meat began with House of Pain and Blair both being shocked at how chummy Drake and I are.
House of Pain: (exclaims) He made an effort to say hello to YOU.
Blair: Wow. I’m impressed!
House of Pain: You’ve got the magic touch girl-
Me: No, I’ve got a magical cooch.
…and scene! They look at me, shake their heads and resume pretending to work.
After a bit, a dude I call Pornstache (in my head) walks by. He and I don’t interact; we only smile at each other because he catches me staring at his porn-like moustache. I think about some mid tempo music playing. Pornstache is holding a pizza when- B interrupts my thoughts with a severe need to have Burger n’ Bitches Fridays moved to Gimme Meat Now Thursdays!!
So we went to GoodBurger today instead of tomorrow. B and I did our usual. Eat delicious burgers, talk about the important things in life and then dance it out to amazing trance remixes.
It was the norm, till HE walked in. A few weeks ago B met her American Psycho Killer-Lover…and today I met mine. I only noticed him because he looked INSANE. His head was tilted down, but he was lifting his eyebrows up, facing forward with a De Niro ‘you tawkin’ to me’ look. He walked with this swagger that could’ve been HOT if he wasn’t so…INSANE. I mean, it didn’t look like it fit HIM. In his pressed slacks, side part and ‘gee-golly-wow’ boyish face. He looked like his name was Pete-and he sometimes went by Petey and he worked the trade floor at JP Morgan.
Anywho, I was intrigued. I proceeded to stare at him and he proceeded to like it. Lifting one eyebrow at a time. Looking at me and lifting one eyebrow. The whole time B kept whispering: he’s going to KILL you. I said: I know…but I was just so intrigued by this brand of insanity. B and I get ready to leave, and I ask if I can say hi to him. She says no. Then as I zip up my coat, HE PULLS OUT A SMOOTH (AKA the Black man’s Playboy) MAGAZINE…as if this was going to be his lunchtime read as he ate!
Me: (in a slightly escalated whisper) B! B! He just pulled out a Smooth magazine!! I LOVE HIM!! Do you know what Smooth maga-
B: YES! I know what Smooth magazine is. We have to go. He is going to kill you.
Me: But…but don’t you understand. We are SOUL MATES! (he then turns to look at me and smirks) See!
B: Oh my God! We have to go!
Me: Can I leave him my number?
B: No! Come on!
…Sadly, we leave. All the way back to work I keep trying to find ways to go back to m’boo. Also, had to check in with B to see if THAT REALLY HAPPENED!!!
It did.
I get back from lunch to a chatty Drake. Of course my indifference adds to his sudden lust.
Drake: How was lunch?
Me: Good. Had a burger. How were those Smith & Wollensky sammiches?
Drake: (he shrugs) Not as good as a burger. Did you go to *mentions place that if I name you’ll be closer to figuring out where I work*?
Me: Nope, GoodBurger.
Drake: So you spent 14 dollars on a burger when you could’ve gone to *place that shall go unnamed* and had a good burger at a reasonable price?
Me: I’m a complicated woman. Also, it gives you a chance to take me to *place that shall go unnamed, but be the beginning of Drake and I bonin’ on the regs* so that I can see what all the fuss is about.
Drake: Yeah…
Me: Have you been to Burger Heaven?
Drake: No, how is it?
Me: Not good AND expensive.
Drake: Figures.
Me: Now Five Guys. That cheeseburger with grilled onions will change.your.life.
Drake: Well you can take me there and change it…
Me: Touché….
…aaaannnd scene! Drake then proceeds to do something else- like tend to his sudden erection. Ha! I kid.
During this conversation House of Pain and Blair pretended (but not really) to not be listening. Once Drake was out of earshot and eye…uh…shot, Blair gave me a thumbs up and mouthed: smoooooooooth. HOP proved why she always wins in my book; she proceeded to point in my direction, then his. She made a heart with her hands and then made a hole with her right hand and pointed her index finger on her left. She then simulated us bonin’. It was quite poetic…much like the day.
Comments
Post a Comment