Conversations with Ice: Birthday Lunch!!!

It's my friend (in my head) Ice T's birthday (or it was on February 16th) today so I decide to provide a birthday worthy spread at his 'man cave' aka his apartment that he keeps on the side filled with leather, velvet and mirrored statues of doberman pinchers. The wonderous spread that includes: Popeyes biscuits, Bonchon boneless chicken, kimchee, chicken pad see ew, devil dogs and champagne!
Ice T comes and we get to chatting and eating...the usual...

Me: So, the Grammy's...woah.

Ice T: That was some sad bullshit- this spread is not bullshit though! Thanks, T. (we high-5)

Me: Ice, Happy Birthday! So, tell me, how were you and Coco invited to the Grammy's? Can't be off that song about her shoes?

Ice T: Even on my birthday you bring the hate- I am an established musical artist, asshole.

Me: I guess. The Grammy's shoulda been cancelled over Whitney...shiiiit. Pass me a biscuit...

Ice T: That wasn't gonna happen, and I think it was respectful...

Me: Except when they let all them talentless fucks perform- shoulda just been Adele, Jennifer Hudson, Paul McCartney and Bruno Mars-

Ice T: You wanna do Bruno Mars- look at you blushing!

Me: What...stop...no...

Ice T: You just dropped some devil dog in your champagne. That dude is a little person, you need to get over that...

Me: Whatever, Ice. What about Chris Brown?

Ice T: What about him? That kids a bitch.

Me: True- maybe they shouldn't have cancelled the Grammy's, it was good not having to see Beyonce and Gaga didn't win anything.

Ice T: ...but Lil Wayne showed up, yeah why were there DJ's there?? Especially that ugly one, he shoulda had a mask on.

Me: It's because music sucks, that's why we don't even need to discuss Nikki MiTwat. She is just an example of why I don't give a fuck anymore.

Ice T: Then Whitney died, and now we really don't give a fuck.

Me: Seriously. Ugh. They need to leave Bobby alone. He is that child's father! They let that child pisser-on'er R. Kelly attend AND sing!!

Ice T: It's sweet when you drink too much champagne and start caring n' shit...

Me: ...and IIIIIIIIIII will always, love youuuuuuu, ahhhhhhhhh

Ice T: Stop. Are you watching that new show 'Smash'?

Me: Are you fuckin' kidding me??!!

Ice T: I know you're not watching 'Ice Loves Coco'.

Me: ...I wanna runnnnn to youuuuu, oooooooo-

Ice T: Quit it. You know, you and Kanye are a lot alike.

Me: Listen, I might try to watch your show again...but I refuse to watch 'Smash'.

Ice T: Why?

Me: Do YOU watch that show?

Ice T: Fuck no.

Me: You guys having an Oscar Party?

Ice T: Nope. Am I supposed to be all excited because they're nominating two Negros who played slaves?

Me: They played maids. Also, if they were light skinned you'd be 'bout it.

Ice T: Don't make me Chris Brown this champagne flute upside your head...

Me: I get it though....I mean, I don't give a good damn about the Oscars, but a party involves some socializing and food. Also, live action shit talking..

Ice T: Yeah....but do I seem like the type- it's up to Coco...let's put on some Whitney and slow-eat some devil dogs and pour some champagne. Don't worry about the carpet, I'm getting a new one.