My Weekend/ Grammy Rundown by Me

This weekend totally flew by! One moment I was having dinner in the West Village with peeps-having an openly gay waiter flirt with me, which made my friend mention that no matter what men love me. I said this was true in most cases, but in cases that mean crotch impalement (soooo sexy I know)…not so much.
It went from amazing Friday night dinners to me waking up this morning thinking it was Sunday. After closing my eyes a few minutes more I sadly realized it wasn’t Sunday-it could’ve also been the persistence of my alarm.
Maybe I feel the weekend went by so fast because it was so amazing! Saturday a friend had a Jersey Shore marathon party and I swear I laughed so much I was exhausted- I hear laughing is like doing crunches so I will be rocking midriff shirts at Seaside Heights all summer!
Sunday was about utter relaxation and thinking about sending my tax info to my accountant. Thinking is a good step. By Friday I’ll actually send the stuff out. Hopefully. Sunday was also about the Grammy’s. Oh award shows. My rundown-as usual-will be half assed. I mean, when the cast of The Jersey Shore gets invited to the show…why should I give a fuck? Love those kids, but COME.ON!
…and so my rundown begins.

-Totally missed the opening because I was still contemplating even watching the show. Maybe it’s because I watched 2 hours of Celebrity Rehab. That ish will eff you up! Like, I’ve never had an inkling to do drugs, but that show really just drives the nail in the coffin. Also it has me easing up on my slightly alcoholic weekends. Just looking at Heidi Fliess’s face makes me wanna curl up in a corner and never open my eyes again.
Anywho, I missed the Gaga and Elton John performance. From what I hear I didn’t miss much-and that John was just the beginning of the Night of the Living Dead…or just musicians the Grammy’s peeps dug out from their crypts and paired them with a musician who’s alive and has a career still. Pretty amazing.
Missed a lot of Colbert’s opening shtick, but from what I saw he was pretty Colbert which =’s hilarious! Loved when he pulled out the iPon (instead of a pad it’s a tampon). Loved his whole asking his daughter if he’s cool and her response was always no. Awww. That’s comedy folks.

-If we are friends on Facebook then you got my on the spot commentary which was pretty profound-like when ‘Single Ladies’ won for song of the year or something, and all the writers were onstage, including The Dream and Katt Williams…and some other dude, and they said Beyonce couldn’t be onstage because she was preparing for her lackluster weave twirling performance-it was fitting that she wasn’t onstage as a writer because SHE.DOESN’T.WRITE.JACK!!! I know she CLAIMS to be a songwriter, but that chick couldn’t put together a sentence if she was given a stiletto heel to use as a hammer. Plus ANYONE who can twirl their head endlessly without getting dizzy must not have too much going on in the inside of the head-which works for her because she is very attractive.
Play the lotto I just something nice about Beyonce!!!!!

-I almost turned when I saw J-Ho. Loved her hair, but that dress! THAT DRESS! It was half wedding dress, half reception dress and altogether HIDEOUS! Then she went on to introduce Greenday: The Musical. What.the.fuck??????
Hmmm, I wonder if during Basket Case peeps dance around dressed as baskets??

-P!nk performed Cirque du Soliel style. Love her!! Her hair, her body is SICK, and the fact that she tried to wet everyone during her performance. Then Miley Cyrus introduced someone. I don’t care what anyone says, that chick is 28yrs old!!!
Thanks to m’girl Vanessa I now realize what was nagging me about Taylor Swift besides her inability to sing, she looks like a cat! Am calling her Whiskers from now on. I feel it goes with her ‘sweet as pie’ persona. I don’t really hate the girl; I just want to kick her swiftly in the throat. I kinda ‘roid raged out when Whiskers performed with Stevie Nicks. WOW. It was unfortunate. Whiskers then goes on to win album of the year? Kitty’s rule, I guess.

-I like how there was a sudden appearance of the Best Comedy Album category with Colbert being a nominee and then winning. The suspense killed me. Hopefully next year Patton Oswald will host or Kathy Griffin.
Am glad Kings of Leon won for that song that I get all guttural when I sing it randomly like when it’s quiet on an elevator…or when I am waiting in line for an ATM.
Have I mentioned how much I *heart* Robert Downey Jr.. He doesn’t have to do much either. All love. He introduced the Jaime Foxx performance which was it for me! It won for many reasons, mostly Doug E. Fresh and Slash. Any combo of those may make no sense, but when it’s done it pleases me to no end. Foxx’s performance was just entertaining. He combined his comedy with auto-tune and it worked brilliantly.

-Ke$ha and that Justin Beaver (whatevs) kid introduced something. WHY did they let that little boy stand so close to that pest ridden ho-bag??? She just looks used- and I do an AMAZING impersonation of her. It works better after one Mike’s Hard Lemonade. Cannot WAIT till Ke$ha is on Celebrity Rehab! Though I’m kinda sad that lil JB’s first sexual experience was with her, I mean at least she’s a trained professional, but no 13yr old should be asked to suck on ones cigarette burns during such a romantic experience. *sigh*

-I don’t know who Zac Brown or his band is, but they definitely sound like the kind of music the Klan listens to to get amped for the killin’/noosin’/pick-up truck draggin'.

-The Michael Jackson tribute/performance was pretty sweet-except for the part where I didn’t have my 3d glasses and then got a headache. J-Hud looked FANTASTIC and Carrie Underwood’s hair was the bomb! Can you believe that chick was on American Idol and is now doing musical tributes to MJ! America, FUCK YEAH!

-There was this whole vote a Bon Jovi song and they’ll perform it during the show. Great, all I know is I still wanna bone Bon Jovi! For real’s. Once I came out of my perverted reverie, the rap song nominee’s were being announced. ‘I’m On a Boat’ was nominated for a Grammy. Seriously?
Maxwell performs with an Anne Rice villain…OH wait that was the honorable Roberta Flack.
Maxwell defines-suited.up! Mmmmm…

-The show ends with a SHOWSTOPPING performance which was announced by Quentrell Tarrantinojohnson. WHAT.THE.FUCK was Quentin Tarrantino doing? Its one thing to LOVE Samuel L. Jackson, its another to try to BE Samuel L. Jackson. He should just do like me and get the IAmSamJackson app.
So, QT introduces Lil Wayne, Eminem and Drake. This is when I got angry with myself for watching the whole show and tried to find some type of time machine to get those hours of my life back where I would’ve turned to Family Guy or watched an Law & Order block. Perhaps I would’ve learned to knit or written a sonnet. Anything but sit through that.