The Story of We: Episode 8

The Story of We
Episode 8: We Got A Love Thang
Screenplay by Honey T
11-4-08


Setting: In NYC of course. The story takes place in a Starbucks, chic hotel suite, St. Vincent's hospital, Hot Ho's, TGIFridays, and the club Marquee. The story and characters tend to move all around the city…its boroughs and islands. The year is 2008 and the world is as it is. Reality is real.


Cast:

Taylor Greene

Britain Sawyer

Josephina Fergus

Lorna Long

Acorn Dillon

Featuring:

J.E'Ofinnigan Logan

Robert Downey Jr. as himself

Phillip Seymour Hoffman as himself

Jake Gyllenhaal as himself

Mark Ronson as himself

Guy Ritchie as himself

Q-Tip as himself

Tommy Lee Jones as Agent Frost

Mickey Rourke as Uncle Mickey

Benicio Del Toro as Uncle Manny

Keanu Reeves as Fenzdorth

Beyonce Knowles and Beyonce's Metallic Glove as themselves
And

Joe Pesci as Johnny K.



Scene 1: We are in Starbucks where we see Josephina, Britain, Taylor and J.E'Ofinnigan all there. Britain and Josephina are behind the two registers. Taylor is making drinks and J.E'Ofinnigan is restocking the tumbler shelf. Uncle Mickey strolls in wearing reflective wrap-a-round shades and sleeveless shirt with a picture of himself on it. He notices that J.E'Ofinnigan has a similar shirt that instead reads: A&F 69. "Viva La Vida" by Coldplay is playing low in the background.



Uncle Mickey:
(tears off his wrap-a-round shades and storms up to J.E'Ofinnigan)
What the shit are you wearing, pussy boy?



J.E'Ofinnigan:
(looks down at his outfit)
I am wearing the standard apron, some jeans and a shirt.



Uncle Mickey:
Don't be a wise ass! (pokes J.E's chest) Look at this fuckin' shirt!


Britain:
Yours is way better Uncle Mickey.


Taylor:
True dat.


Josephina:
Double true. Wait- is that your face on it? (takes out her iPhone and proceeds to take a picture)


J.E'Ofinnigan:
I don't understand the hostility? We can both wear sleeveless shirts-


Uncle Mickey:
No! I can wear sleeveless shirts and you just cover your pretty bitch muscles up!


J.E'Ofinnigan:
This is about me working out?-


Uncle Mickey:
This is about me declaring WAR on you! Only protein shakes and bulls balls for me! I'm going to KILL YOU in the 'wife beater' competition!


J.E'Ofinnigan:
(chuckles)
I have to go get more coffee from the back-but I'll try to wear less revealing shirts.


Uncle Mickey:
Are you backing down…bitch?


J.E'Ofinnigan:
(steps closer to Uncle Mickey)
Stop calling me a bitch.


Britain:
This is probably the best thing that has ever happened here and we have seen some fantastic shit.


Josephina:
Only to made better if they have a shirt-off right here.


Taylor:
(steps in between Uncle Mickey and J.E'Ofinnigan)
Guys, let's stop this. Uncle Mickey you look great in the shirt, there's no need to beat up on J-


Josephina:
What the hell are you doing, Taylor?


Uncle Mickey:
Listen to your friend, sweet tits. This is a fight amongst men…a battle that I will not back down from-besides if I wanted to BEAT him, he'd be dead.


J.E'Ofinnigan:
You think so, old man?


Britain:
Hey! Watch who you're callin' old! That's Uncle Mickey!


Uncle Mickey:
I will rip your young pert balls from your body and scramble them with my eggs!


Taylor:
(dry heaves)
J.E, just go in the back before this gets any uglier! (J.E looks at her a bit, then Uncle Mickey, he then smirks and walks towards the back)


Uncle Mickey:
All you're doing is prolonging the inevitable, sweet tits.


Josephina and Britain:
Shirt-off, shirt-off, shirt-off!


Taylor:
Just leave him alone.


Britain:
Leave him alone? That asshole called Uncle Mickey old!-


Uncle Mickey:
Hellcat, I am old. Old, but with enough spunk to kill a man only using my feet. I've done it once. Was in Thailand playing tie me up, tie me down with what I thought was a young female prostitute. Turned out it was a man. He had to go.


They are all silent awhile.


Josephina:
Taylor why are you defending that asshat? Sure, he can wipe a counter better than anyone I've ever known and he's good to laugh at…but-


Taylor:
But nothing! Uncle Mickey should pick on someone his own size.


Uncle Mickey:
Just because you let him rest his pert balls on your chin gives you no right to let me down!


Taylor:
(is trembling)
I know…(whispers) I don't know what's wrong with me…(runs out of the Starbucks crying. Everyone is open-mouthed and shocked)


Uncle Mickey:
What ever secrets lie underneath that punks pink muscles and cock…need to be unearthed and shared with the rest of us schmucks! (goes back to his office just as J.E'Ofinnigan emerges from the back with bags of coffee in his hand. Uncle Mickey growls at him)


Scene 2: Britain enters the chic hotel suite she and Robert Downey Jr. are staying in until their townhouse in the West Village is completed. Phillip Seymour Hoffman, Guy Ritchie and Mark Ronson are all over playing Wii bowling. They are cheering and jeering each other. Robert notices Britain and gives her a hug and kiss.


Robert Downey Jr.:
Ah, Brit! My sunshine is here!


Britain:
Have you been drinking?


Robert Downey Jr.:
Nope. Sober as a baby wrestler-


Phillip Seymour Hoffman:
B, please tell me you brought us frappacino's…


Britain:
No, but I do have cookies and donuts.- Guy Ritchie…I'm so sorry.


Guy Ritchie:
Nothing to be sorry about, mate's mate. Would you like to join us for some Wii…you have to be better at it than Ronson-


Mark Ronson:
Wanker I just hit two pins!


Phillip Seymour Hoffman:
Besides, from what I know of Madge…Guy can only go up-


Robert Downey Jr.:
I am the only one from the 80's she hasn't fucked!


Guy Ritchie:
That is something to be proud of. (looks at Britain without a smile) I think I'm going to start dating a Spice Girl, my mistake was going American pop. Should've stuck with the home base pop-


Phillip Seymour Hoffman:
This guy is a glutton for punishment and diseased vag's.


Mark Ronson:
Which is why I don't date pop stars-


Robert Downey Jr.:
Just teenage girls.


Britain:
Sorry I have to leave this HOT debate- I think I hear my cell phone ringing…(Britain goes to find her cell phone while the guy's continue their discussion on pop star dating and teenage girls. Britain finds her cell phone in the bedroom portion of the suite)
Hello?


Voice on cell phone:
Is this Britain Sawyer? (the voice is smokey and sounds foreign)


Britain:
Yes…


Voice on cell phone:
Beware the strange one. You will be warned.


Britain:
Who is this?



Voice on cell phone:
I am the one who cannot be named and now I must go. (the other line clicks off)


Britain:
(holds her cell phone for a bit then throws it on her bed, the door bell rings. She goes to get it because all of the guys are immersed in the Wii game. She looks through the peephole and sees a very official looking gentleman, she opens the door)
Yes…


Agent Frost:
You Britain Sawyer?


Britain:
Yes.


Agent:
I'm Agent Frost with the FBI (flashes his badge)


Britain:
Okay…


Agent Frost:
Anything strange been happening in the last few days.


Britain:
Nothing more than usual.


Agent Frost:
You sure? Think long n' hard.


Britain:
(stares at the ceiling, pretending she is thinking then remembers the phone call)
Well I just got this strange phone call-


Agent Frost:
You did?! What did they say?


Britain:
Just that I should beware the strange one…


Agent Frost:
Did they say who they were?


Britain:
'The one who had no name.'


Agent Frost:
Ah! Britain Sawyer, what you're dealing with is a multi-personality warlock-


Britain:
A what?


Agent Frost:
His name is Fenzdorth, but he goes by He Who Has No Name and McPhee.


Britain:
Why is this 'Cybil Merlin' after me?


Agent Frost:
I. Don't. Know. Here-(takes out a business card and hands it to Britain. It reads: Agent Frost- Sorcery Department)


Britain:
The F.B.I has a sorcery department?!


Agent Frost:
Yes. There are lot's of things you don't understand and its up to us to understand them.


Britain:
Oh.


Agent Frost:
Call me immediately if he makes any more contact. I'll do my best to keep him away from you. (he walks away before Britain could thank him. She closes the door and Robert Downey Jr. notices her face)


Robert Downey Jr.:
What's with the grill?


Britain:
If I told you…you honestly wouldn't believe me.



Scene 3: We see the outside of St. Vincent's hospital. Once inside, we see Josephina holding a Tupperware of cupcakes. She is visiting her Uncle Manny who is still in the hospital and unconscious from the blow dart incident. Just as Josephina gets settled with Twilight by Stephenie Meyer, the book she is reading to Uncle Manny, Taylor comes in carrying a shopping bag and looking sad. A low, soft Spanish guitar is playing.


Josephina:
Taylor?


Taylor:
Hey. Just stopping by. I'm still so sorry about hurting your Uncle. I've brought him Malta's*[non alcoholic malt beverage from the Carribean and Latin America. Its ingredients include: sugar, chocolate and sometimes molasses]-


Josephina:
When he wakes up he might make out with you. (they chuckle) Are you alright?


Taylor:
I think so…I don't know…


Josephina:
Wanna talk about it? (takes two Malta's out of the shopping bag, has a bottle opener attached to her key chain and opens them as well)


Taylor:
I feel sad. Empty almost. Tried to fill myself with Mark Ronson, but that didn't work-


Josephina:
(cringes) And then J.E'Ofinnigan-


Taylor:
No! I would never sleep with a guy who has frosted tips! Believe me, he has tried! I have my standards.


Josephina:
Whew. We can be best friends again. I had written you off about two weeks ago.


Taylor:
Well put me back on! (they hi-5) I'd like to think that my whoring ways have caught up with me, but I know there's a lot of ho left in me…so that can't be it.


Josephina:
Could you be in love?


Taylor:
Holy shit! Could I be? With who?


Josephina:
Well Darwin and you-


Taylor:
Nah.


Josephina:
Craig David?


Taylor:
Hells nah!


Josephina:
Justin Timberlake?


Taylor:
Fuck no.


Josephina:
Andre 3000?


Taylor:
(gulps down some Malta)
Oh. My stomach just got all tingly. I think I am in love with Andre Benjamin!


Josephina:
Of course! You guys were fake pregnant! (claps with joy) I don't care what you say, Negroid was inventive and heartwarming.


Taylor:
He was a freak who got under my skin. (shivers)


Uncle Manny:
(is moaning, sniffing loudly) Mal-ta…


Josephina:
Uncle Manny?!


Uncle Manny:
(in a harsh whisper)
Stick a straw in that bottle and let me have some Malta.


Taylor:
Yes! I am the one who took you down and now I am the one who brought you back!


Uncle Manny:
(starts breathing hard)
Taylor. Stay away from the visor…stay away. He's dangerous…he's a…(passes out again)


Taylor:
Dammit!


Josephina:
Foiled again. (sighs)


Johnny K.:
(comes in and checks Uncle Manny's chart, then looks up and notices Josephina and smiles)
Well, well, well-


Taylor:
Aren't you my plumber?


Johnny K:
That's my other job. The one that pays for nursing school-


Josephina:
You're a nurse? (begins giggling)


Johnny K:
Hey lady! Quit it with your chuckles, this just means I have an amazing BEDside manor.


Josephina:
If you value breathing you won't mention you or a bed again!


Johnny K:
(shivers)
Ooo, I like it when she's feisty.


Q-Tip:
[a soft head bopping hip hop plays as Q-Tip enters, Q speaks like he raps-over a smoothed out neo soul hip hop beat]
(Taylor's mouth drops as Q grabs Josephina up and kisses her, Johnny K slams Uncle Manny's chart on a table as he scribbles down notes)
Baby-girl, queen of my world. How you livin'? Lemme see your body twirl- (he twirls Josephina around, she giggles like a schoolgirl)


Taylor:
Holy shit! You're dating Q-Tip?! Where the fuck have I been?


Josephina:
Supposedly fucking a guy with hi-lites and cargo pants. Now that I know you're not…yes I am dating Q-and have been for how long? (looks at Q)


Q-Tip:
Three or four months, that shit don't matter, imma be with you a year and my heart will pitter patter.


Josephina:
(sighs)
Yeah.


Johnny K:
Fucking sickening. (puts Uncle Manny's chart away)


Josephina:
Now that doesn't sound like good bedside manner to me!


Johnny K:
Yeah, yeah- well if it still matters to you, your uncle is going to be okay its just taking a while for the drugs from the blow dart to wear off.


Josephina:
Muthafucka don't you ever doubt I don't care about my uncle, I-


Q-Tip:
She such a vivrant thang, look at her doin' her thing. (turn to Johnny K) You better step, you better do you before my girl puts you in a hospital too.


Taylor:
(sighs)
Damn, I feel all chill n' shit with Q here rhymin'.


Josephina:
Me too. (turns to Johnny K) He just saved your life, bitch!


Johnny K:
(chuckles)
Right…(walks out of the room)


Josephina:
Well T, Q and I are going to a gallery opening-


Taylor:
What?


Josephina:
A gallery opening-


Taylor:
With art n' shit?


Josephina:
Yes! Q has opened me up to new things. (she smiles as they nuzzle each other)


Taylor:
Wow.


Q-Tip:
We gotta bounce, we really gotta go- (looks at Taylor) but you should join us later for some drinks at Hot Ho's.


Taylor:
Damn right I will.


It is later now and Josephina, Q-Tip, Taylor and Lorna are at Hot Ho's having a nightcap. They are in the VIP area sipping various drinks and eating cupcakes. "Swagger Like Us" by TI, Jay-Z, Kanye West and Lil Wayne is playing in the background.


Lorna:
What's this? (waves a well manicured hand between Josephina and Q-Tip)


Taylor:
Q-Tip is Jose's new boo!


Josephina:
Yeah, I've been keeping him to myself for the last couple of months-


Lorna:
Understandable. When you hang out with hot bitches, things can get…murky.


Josephina:
There is nothing murky L, if you bitches decide to mess with my man I'll kill you.


Taylor:
Yeah, that's pretty clear. (somberly sips her drink) Well, you know I'm out of it- I am in love with a rapper from the dirty, dirty. (sighs)


Lorna:
(almost coughs up her drink)
Did you just say love?


Q-Tip:
Yep, yep she did it. Said the four letter word you say before ya hit it.


Lorna:
Ohhh, he's one of those-



Josephina:
But better. Its so smooth, the flow.


Lorna:
Certainly is. Reminds me of my time with the Hells Angels. Initiation is always a fun time. The newbies have to have sex with a woman while she is menstruating. They always called me easy flow because-


Taylor:
AH! You've got to stop with that story! (she, Josephina and Q-tip are all gagging, except his is to a beat)


Britain bursts into the VIP area. She grabs the closest drink, which happens to be Lorna's long island iced tea and gulps it down.


Britain:
I've had a day guys.


Lorna:
I can see. You chanced downing my beverage.


Josephina:
Oh, what's going on?


Britain:
I don't know where to begin.


Lorna:
Well then I'll start. I think I am going to break up with Mr. Starbucks-


Taylor:
What?! No way.


Josephina:
Come on, L. You guys are lined up to get married right after Britain and Robert Downey Jr..


Lorna:
(shivers with disgust)
I could never marry a man who bores me.


Taylor:
What?! You guys are both freaks and you know you fell hard for that dude.


Lorna:
I fell hard for the money. Imagine private jets and taking baths in holy water blessed by the Pope. Anything I wanted it was mine-


Josephina:
Aww, the woman who has it all. (throws a chocolate covered pretzel at Lorna)


Lorna:
I know this sounds trivial, but besides money n' fancy things…I need excitement. Passion.


Britain:
You need to shut the fuck up with that nonsense and let me tell my story. (waits a bit)I have a warlock after me. (everyone starts laughing, except for Britain who is scowling at them all)


Josephina:
Wait..wait…does he wear a blue pointed hat and have a white beard?


Britain:
This isn't a joke!


Taylor:
You did say that a warlock was after you though-


Lorna:
That's even humorous to me and I've seen it all, honey. There was this one time I was stuck in an elevator with a minotaur-


Britain:
Fuck you guys! I am being chased by a warlock named Fenzdorth! (they are all hysterical now, even Q-Tip has tears in his eyes. Britain is so frustrated she is close to tears, whispers) God, if there was a way for me to kill them all and make newer better friends, I would-


Taylor:
Oh no! She's casting a spell.


Q-Tip:
She got that magic yall, we better stop before we wind up in her crystal ball…


Britain:
(squints at Q-Tip)
I like him. He's not as dead to me as the rest of you.


Josephina:
Oh come on Britain, it's us.


Taylor:
Yeah, you know we're heartless wretches.


Britain:
True.


Josephina:
Tell us more about…Fenzdorth. (giggles)


Taylor:
Yeah, why is this mutha-fucka after you?


Britain:
All I know is I broke his heart in a past life, and so he is after some payback.


Taylor:
Damn! You're shit is so good you've warlocks chasing you through life times! (they hi-5)


Josephina:
Does any of this involve a ring, a tree and some goblins?


Britain:
No. (Josephina makes a sad face) Just one merlock and an FBI agent who works in the sorcery department-(they all start laughing again, and because Britain has downed 2 more of Lorna's long island iced tea's, she is laughing too)


Lorna:
I thought I knew it all. A sorcery department?!


Q-Tip:
Some say movies are fake n' wack, but we could learn a lot by watching Men In Black.


Britain:
Can Q-Tip hang out with us all the time?


Josephina:
Sure! Especially when he's not on tour. I plan on holding on tight to this one! (she and Q smile at each other)


Taylor:
So, B…what are you going to do about this Fenzdorth dude?


Britain:
I don't know. I don't understand my life. It seems like ever since I said yes to the dress and am marrying RDJ…my life has been crazy.


Josephina:
Don't blame the warlocks for your cold feet.


Lorna:
I have never seen a woman want to marry a man more that you. I will murder you in your sleep if cancel this wedding that I helped to plan. Murder.


Britain:
I am not canceling anything, I'm just saying its been crazy…right?


Taylor:
I think you're being a punk.


Q-Tip:
Baby B's got some cold feet, better lock the door and get her a warm sheet.


Britain:
I am done with you Q-Tip. Done.



Scene 4: The next day, Taylor, Britain and Uncle Mickey decide to take a break together. They go to TGIF's. Once seated at the bar, they all order mudslides and notice Lorna is with a group of afternoon speed daters. "Fly" by Sugar Ray is playing low in the background.


Taylor:
Holy shit, is that L…speed…dating?


Britain:
I'm only half way done with this mudslide, but I can tell those luscious shiny locks anywhere!


Uncle Mickey:
For me, it was her titties.


Taylor:
What about her titties?


Uncle Mickey:
Nothing. Since I don't look at women's faces, I just distinguish them by their tits.


Taylor:
Word?


Britain:
Uncle Mickey, you're such a hog.


Uncle Mickey:
(yells out)
Lorna, get that tight ass over her, stat! (Lorna looks up and does as she is told)


Lorna:
What are you guys doing here?


Britain:
Taking a break. What's with you speed-dating?


Lorna:
I've had it all, now its time to try the other poor meat.


Taylor:
But speed-dating at TGIF's, that's just asking for freaks…or warlocks.


Britain:
(throws a paper drink umbrella at Taylor)
Yeah, Lorna…you need a classier scene.


Lorna:
Its not as bad as you guys think. I've met two interesting taxidermist and one semi-interesting snake wrangler…and he looks like he has a mighty large snake of his own-


Taylor:
(does a shimmy)
Move your body like a snake charmer…make me wanna put the snake on ya…


Britain:
What the hell?


Taylor:
Very rarely do I get to act black around you guys. Let me live. (Britain shrugs and chugs the rest of her mudslide)


Uncle Mickey:
When are you gonna learn its not about length, its about girth! (they all look at Uncle Mickey and then Lorna orders a mudslide and joins them)


While the others debate penis size, Josephina and J.E'Ofinnigan are working hard at Starbucks.


Josephina:
Where the hell are they?


J.E'Ofinnigan:
I think they all took a break.


Josephina:
What did I say about speaking to me?


J.E'Ofinnigan:
Don't.


Josephina:
(walks away from him and scowls at the door)
I am so sick of them and their breaks. I know they're at TGIF's! They know that's one of my favorite place and yet they leave me here to work…with you! (throws a dirty look at J.E'Ofinnigan, he shrugs. The door to Starbucks opens and in walks a gentleman with a bowl-cut and a brown mink cloak, it's Fenzdorth) What the fuck is this?


Fenzdorth:
(he flicks his cape open revealing a grey cashmere tunic and grey skinny jeans)
Hello there. I am looking for Britain Sawyer.


Josephina:
Me too, Peter Pan. Me too!


Fenzdorth:
(eyes J.E'Ofinnigan strangely)You. Creature of the night. Tell where me she is.



J.E'Ofinnigan:
Fuck you, warlock. (he slightly hisses and walks towards the back of the Starbucks)


Josephina:
Oh wait! You're the muthafuckin' warlock after Britain?!


Fenzdorth:
You know of me. She knows of me. (his eyes go wild and then he disappears into thin air)


Josephina:
What. The. Fuck.


Back at TGIF's Uncle Mickey, Taylor and Britain are doing shots of Bailey's Irish Cream. Lorna, who went back to speed dating, now rejoins them at the bar. "I Want You Back" by *N'Sync is playing in the background.


Lorna:
Guys, I don't know. I don't think this speed dating was a good idea.


Britain:
We told you that hours ago!


Uncle Mickey:
If it was speed fucking you wouldn't feel like such a loser.


Lorna:
That is very true. (orders a pina colada) What it comes down to is…I like money. I like men. I like men with money.


Taylor:
I could've told you that.


Uncle Mickey:
Fuck it. Lorna can't beat us at who's life sucks more-well she can't beat me at least-


Lorna:
Why does my life suck?


Uncle Mickey:
You're speed dating at a TGIF's. (Lorna nods and gulps down her colada)


Britain:
Okay…well…I have a warlock after me.


Uncle Mickey:
I once had a warlock cast a spell on my mom so she wouldn't she was my mom so I could have sex with her. (they all look at him wide eyed, Uncle Mickey takes a shot)


Taylor:
Um, I am in love with a guy who wears a smaller pant size than I-


Britain:
No way, J.E'Ofinnigan is a tool…but he has a smokin' bod-


Taylor:
Fuck you Britain! I am in love with Andre 3000.


Britain:
It doesn't matter anyways. We lose this game. Uncle Mickey slept with his mom. (she and Taylor grimace and do a shot)


Uncle Mickey:
That's why you're all a bunch of pussies with your bitchin'. Y'all don't know the meaning of fucked up shit.



Scene 5: The gang decides to go the club Marquee to celebrate Britain and Robert Downey Jr.'s pending nuptials. "Just Dance" by Lady GaGa is playing in the background.


Robert Downey Jr.:
Wow. Another party celebrating our wedding…


Britain:
I know right.


Phillip Seymour Hoffman:
(is reading a flyer and then hugs Britain)
You have just made me mess my pants!


Britain:
It's the B effect!


Phillip Seymour Hoffman:
Yes. As long as that B is for Beyonce!! She is performing here! Tonight! (literally jumps for joy)


Robert Downey Jr.:
Another wedding party AND Beyonce is performing- Britain are you intentionally stalling? Do you still love me?


Britain:
Oh, RDJ…I love you more than my sexual offender trading card collection! You know that.


Robert Downey Jr.:
So you're stalling?


Phillip Seymour Hoffman:
You're missing the bigger picture: Beyonce is performing tonite!


Taylor:
Oh word?! Is it okay if I leave now?


Lorna:
No. Someone has to help me finish this bottle of Patron.


Taylor:
You're right, you're right-


Josephina:
Well fuck that! (snatches the bottle of Patron and begins drinking from it) You bitches wanna go around taking four breaks drinking mudslides!


Uncle Mickey:
Don't be like that buttercup, we knew you could hold down the fort.


Josephina:
I never thought I would say this, but fuck you Uncle Mickey! Fuck you long and hard!-


Uncle Mickey:
I have been fucked long and hard…its not half bad.


Taylor:
(mumbles)
Probably by his mother-


Josephina:
What was that?!


Britain:
Jose, Uncle Mickey has had sex with his mom. Now do you understand why we couldn't come back to work for a few hours-there's no coming back from that…


Taylor:
Fifteen mudslides and ten Bailey's shots were a start…


Josephina:
Holy hell! (starts passing the bottle of Patron)


Q-Tip:
Well I'll be damned, gotta sip this P to keep my mouth off the ground.


Josephina:
You mutha fucka's are forgiven.


Taylor:
Aww see…(Taylor, Britain, Josephina and Uncle Mickey group hug)


Robert Downey Jr.:
Britain! Answer me?!


Phillip Seymour Hoffman:
You need to chill out man. Beyonce is about to perform. The air needs to be clear of hostility-


Robert Downey Jr.:
Not the time, man! (turns to Britain) You don't wanna marry me…


Britain:
Of course I do. Its just that there's this warlock after me and shit is just real crazy right-


Robert Downey Jr.:
(is chuckling darkly)
A warlock?! I am the one with the drug problem yet you're talking about warlocks being after you-


Taylor:
Um, there is one.


Josephina:
His name is Fenzdorth.


J.E'Ofinnigan:
He came into the Starbucks the other day. He is definitely a warlock-


Robert Downey Jr.:
I can't fuckin' believe this! Even the frat boy is in on this?!


Taylor:
Aww leave him alone-


Britain:
(gives Taylor the stink face)
Babe, let me just get rid of this warlock and then-


Robert Downey Jr.:
Maybe a leprauchan will be after you! Fuck this. I am outta here-


Britain:
But…babe! (he waves her off and leaves the club)


Uncle Mickey:
(shrugs)
Oh well. Fuck him. Let me buy you some drinks so we can drown out the wails of that banchee when she starts singin'. (he leads Britain over to the bar)


Josephina:
Well that sucks.


Taylor:
Yeah. I just hope someone gets this love thing right-


J.E'Ofinnigan:
Well we could if-


Josephina:
Say one more word and I am going to break this bottle!


Uncle Mickey:
You know who I am glad you're not marrying?


Britain:
Um…you?


Uncle Mickey:
No, that piss stain O'finnigan. I can't believe sweet tits Taylor would let that-that…


Britain:
Don't say it. You'll get yourself all worked up. (she pats Uncle Mickey on the back) Yeah, I am glad I am not marrying him either. I'd rather marry your mom-


Uncle Mickey:
What the shit are you saying? She's a great woman!


Taylor:
Oh my goodness guys! I am not with J.E! I love Andre 3000!


J.E'Ofiinigan:
No one believes you. Stop denying how you feel…just give in. (steps closer to her and begins swaying his hips.)


Uncle Mickey:
(watches J.E'Ofinnigan for a bit)
I have a semi-


Britain:
(spits out her drink)
So wrong…so wrong…-


Phillip Seymour Hoffman:
There is a man swaying his hips in tattered cargo shorts. (shakes head) I have to get a prime spot near the stage, fuck all this. (he walks towards the stage area)


Josephina:
Holy shit! Is that Jake Gyllen-fuck?


Uncle Mickey:
(looks at Jake Gyllenhaal)
Full on chub.


Britain:
(gags a lil, then smiles dreamily at Jake Gyllenhaal who is now standing next to Taylor)
Look at those eyes. I could live in them-


Taylor:
The only reason I am letting you stand this close to me Gyllenhaal is because I really liked you in Bubble Boy.


Jake Gyllenhaal:
You want me this close…(suddenly it looks as if Taylor is being sandwiched between Jake Gyllenhaal and J.E'Ofinnigan)



Josephina:
How is Taylor in this Wonder Bread sandwich? (J.E'Offinigan starts hissing at Jake Gyllenhaal, Jake just stares at him intensely)



Jake Gyllenhaal:
She's mine. (J.E'Ofinnigan backs away)


Taylor:
I am no ones, asshole! (starts to walk away, but Jake catches her by the elbow)


Jake Gyllenhaal:
Not so fast, precious one.


Britain:
I don't understand this…but you know I have a warlock after me.


Uncle Mickey:
Pretty boys are giving me wood. Feels like Thailand all over again.


Q-Tip:
Everyone likes a lil caramel sundae, but imma take my vanilla cupcake each n' ev'ry day. (he and Josephina hug)


Josephina:
(sighs)
Come on Britain and Uncle Mickey, lets join PSH by the stage…and leave Taylor here to reenact Monsters Ball. (Josephina, Q-Tip, Britain and Uncle Mickey walk towards the stage area. Taylor scowls at them as they leave)


Taylor:
Listen Jake Gyllenhaal, I am through with white men and their attraction to me and my wonderous cooch-


Jake Gyllenhaal:
You're mine. (looks into her eyes)


Taylor:
Fuck you!


Jake Gyllenhaal:Eventually. (sniffs Taylors hair)



Taylor:
Shit, this makes me almost wish O'finnigan was after me-


Jake Gyllenhaal:
He is nothing compared to me-


Taylor:
True, you have better style…but I am in love with Andre 3000!


Jake Gyllenhaal:
Kill that noise. We already have a black president…they can't have you too! They can't have it all-you are mine-


Announcer:
Ladies and Gentleman. Coming at you here at Marquee! Lemme hear you scream! (the crowd goes wild) Beyonce, get that fine ass out here! (The music starts for her Single Ladies song, Beyonce comes out wearing a leotard and a metallic glove)


Beyonce:
(shouts)
Where my single ladies at?!! (crowd goes wild, especially Phillip Seymour Hoffman)


Jake Gyllenhaal:
There's about to be some horrendous screeching. My hearing is too sensitive for this. We will continue this chat soon, my love.


Taylor:
O M G Jake Gyllenhaal, get the fuck out of here. I hate you. (Jake chuckles and leaves, Taylor goes to the bar and starts downing Patron shots. Mark Ronson rolls up next to her, his ears are bleeding) Damn Mark, I thought when you did coke, your nose bled?


Lorna:
I don't think its coke… this time…its that Beyonce person.


Beyonce:
(screams for no reason)
All my single ladies, all my single ladies…(is dancing crazily across the stage)


Mark Ronson:
I feel like someone is fucking my brain with a machete. (Taylor hands him a Patron shot)


Beyonce:
(still screaming)
Now put your hands up, up…woo ooo ooo ooo…


Josephina:
I swear if I wasn't drunk off my ass, my head would explode!


Britain:
Yeah, it's the perfect mix of horrible and fantastic- (her sentence is cut-off by a mink covered arm going over her throat) What…guys…help…(no one can hear Britain. Suddenly, Beyonce's Metallic Glove slides off her left hand and floats over by Fenzdorth's neck, this is all goes unnoticed by everyone INCLUDING Beyonce)


Fenzdorth:
This revenge would almost taste sweeter if I was able to drink your blood…what are you? (notices Beyonce's Metallic Glove) Who controls you? I-(he is cut off by the glove wrapping itself like a hand around his throat, it proceeds to choke him until he disappears leaving Britain gasping and the glove to float back onto Beyonce's hand)


Britain:
Holy mother of fuck?! Did you guys see that?


Josephina:
See what? I've been shakin' my thang to B!


Britain:
You didn't see Fenzdorth choking me…or the glove…(she feels a tug at her elbow)


Agent Frost:
Are you okay?


Britain:
Yes! Did you see that?


Agent Frost:
Of course, I was controlling the glove.


Britain:
You were…what?


Phillip Seymour Hoffman:
This ain't a speak easy, it's a dance club!! (starts dancing around them)


Uncle Mickey:
Do what the husky one says! (they all start dancing around and screaming while Britain and Agent Frost look on a bit frightened)


Agent Frost:
Listen, this isn't the end of Fenzdorth. You must stay on alert…and I'll do what I can.


Britain:
Just great. Would you mind emailing my fiancée that because Fenzdorth may not just kill me…he's going to ruin my wedding.



Scene 6: We are back at the Starbucks. Britain and Josephina are behind the registers. Taylor is restocking the treats. J.E'Ofinnigan is wiping off the counters and Uncle Mickey is sleeping in the back office. Jake Gyllenhaal enters the Starbucks. "Lemon" by U2 is playing in the background.


Taylor:
Fuck me on a roller coaster. What the heck are you doing here Gyllenhaal?


Jake Gyllenhaal:
Just checking in on you, my love. Watching you sleep is never enough-


Britain:
Damn she is good! Already humped and pumped Jake Gyllenhaal. (J.E'Ofinnigan makes a sad face)


Josephina:
I know-


Taylor:
I did not sleep with him either! (angrily squints at Jake) Are you stalking me, bitch?


Jake Gyllenhaal:
Well if you continue to hang around vermin (looks at J.E'Ofinnigan) then I am just protecting you.


Taylor:
I- (Jake suddenly grabs her and kisses her, leaving her breathless)


Jake Gyllenhaal:
You are mine. (he leaves the Starbucks)


Britain:
…okay, so RDJ left for London. He's filming something with Guy Rithchie, but I really think he's avoiding me.


Josephina:
You don't know that.


Britain:
It's for the best anyways…I mean with this warlock after me.


Taylor:
What the fuck was that?


Britain:
Let's not do this again T-


Taylor:
No, I mean that shit with Jake Gyllenhaal. As much as I'm in love with Andre 3000…that kiss was serious-


Josephina:
Have you even told Andre how you feel?


Taylor:No…and its better that way. (they all watch as Lorna comes from the back office wearing the same clothes as the night before)


Britain:
Holy walk of shame!


Lorna:
You never saw me. I don't exist. (she leaves the Starbucks)


Josephina:
I fee like I wanna cry, but my eyes have no tears.


Taylor:
Lorna and Uncle Mickey…


Britain:
Insane.


J.E'Ofinnigan:
I am a vampire, you guys.


Taylor:
If they had se-se-sex…in the office, does that mean Uncle Mickey lives back there?


Josephina:
(holding her head)
I don't know. Haven't been back there since Kurt…


Britain:
I bet you its pretty pimped out-


J.E'Ofinnigan:
I drink blood guys.


Josephina:
So help me God O'finnigan!! Shut the fuck up!