A Friendly Neighborhood Murderer: A Chronicles of Cashmere Mystery
* Yep, some fan fic involving me and Jake Gyllenfuck. He is my pandemic boo. I hope that unlike my past writings (well some of them) I actually continue this if it becomes a series....I am thinking of making it a rather random detective series. Let's see what happens....I mean I have no excuses because what the hell else am I doing????*
It was a Spring day. The air was crisp, birds were chirping. I did that thing where you look around and think 'life is good'- except you are saying it in your head to no one.
"She does smile...." A familiar voice says. It was a nice voice, throaty and thoughtful. I turn to look into the blue soulful eyes of Jake Gyllenhaal. Jake is a chef who owns a neighborhood restaurant and speakeasy, both in Brooklyn. Jake has all the ingredients to be a douche-right down to a tousled man bun but he isn't which is why I let him meet me most mornings to grab iced coffee and talk about life. I don't remember when this started or why, I just know we do this...and are just 'neighborhood friends'. This means that Jake has not made a hint of a move towards me. If he did, I would be beside myself with all kinds of emotions but I would want to have a lot of sex with him. Jake Gyllenhaal is the perfect blend of smart, funny and sexy. Also, weird. Weird in the best way. Weird in a way where his weird and my weird mesh...
"Jake, what's up?" I hope all the sunlight hides my blush- it is hard to hide my blush as I am caramel colored Black woman who tends to blush a lot.
"Tiana, you know what...it is a beautiful day in the neighborhood-" just as he says this, five police cars zoom past us. We both stop walking to see where they are going and notice they all turn onto my block. "The fuck is going on?" My thoughts exactly Jake.
"Coffee then we go figure this out." My need for and iced coffee superseded being nosy. So we walked to Bagel World on Dekalb Avenue, our favorite spot. It was always that easy with Jake.
Once we were armed with our coffee's we head back towards my block. Jake slides his Ray-Ban's onto his nose, "What are we expecting? Dope deal gone wrong..."
"I am thinking more of sex position gone wrong and its Mrs. Lampis!" We both chuckle. Mrs. Lampis is the neighborhood 'mama'. She looks out for everyone and we look out for her because her children lived out of state, and her sister lived in the Bronx which was like another state.
As we turned onto my block we see all the frenzy is happening in my building. I gulp down some iced coffee. Instinctually, we slow down as we neared my building. Suddenly a person is in front of us, it is my neighbor Allison.
"T! Oh thank goodness." She is out of breath, not from running most likely from the drama she is about to hit me with.
"What's going on Allison?" I asked and watch as she eyed Jake. I let her eye. I understand. The hair, the scruff, the Ray-Bans, light grey tee, denim jacket and dark grey sweatpants. It wasn't a 'look', but it was something on him.
Allison clears her throat, "It's Mrs. Lampis!-" Jake nudges me, Allison continues "she was found dead in her apartment." Jake and I audibly groan.
Allison goes on to tell us that when Mrs. Lampis didn't make it down to the animal shelter which was part of her usual Saturday morning routine. Mrs. Lampis volunteers at the shelter and then she usually stops by Jake's restaurant for lunch.
Instead, she was found in her apartment apparently strangled.
I sigh, "That is sad....and this neighborhood is peak gentrified..."
"Well white people do enjoy serial killing..." Jake adds. Allison and I nod.
A detective Cardona walks over us, "You live in this building?" He looks over all three of us.
Allison and I raise our hands like idiots.
"We live in this building." I say.
"Did you know the victim?" Detective Cardona pulls out notepad. We both nod.
"When was the last time you seen her?" He scribbles on his pad.
"I think yesterday..." I look at Allison.
"Yeah, I saw her yesterday too and helped her carry some groceries in." Allison looks down at the ground realizing that would be the last time she ever saw Mrs. Lampis.
"Everything normal then..." Someone calls out to him. "Listen, we'll be in touch." He walks over to the voice that was calling out to him.
We all stand in silence for a bit. The sounds of Jake and I's straws squeaking in our cups as we sipped.
"I say we walk to DUMBO to stare at the water." Jake suggests. Allison and I nod slowly and we all begin walking towards DUMBO to look at the water.
------------------
The lobby of the Standard Hotel is buzzing with people and low playing music. I tap my pen on my thigh as I wait for the general manager. When I am not strolling about and finding out my neighbors have been strangled, I am event planner for a small company in Tribeca. Right now, I am planning a graduation party at the Standard's indoor pool. Waiting for the general manager who is now five minutes late has allowed me to ponder things.
After our walk to look at the water, all in silence, Jake texts me once I am back upstairs in my apartment.
J: if its weird up there come to my speakeasy- drinks on me.
Me: I just may take you up on that. Thanks!
Jake gets me which is weird that he hasn't hit on me. The universe can be a truth revealing bitch because when I do make it Jake's speakeasy he is there looking amazing. Laughing so that his eyes do that crinkle thing that gives me butterflies. His sculpted arms bare in his t shirt are around this lanky blonde. Her face was pretty, but punch-able. She leans back against him trying to act amused at what Jake and the person he was talking to were saying.
"Tiana!" Jake waved me over. Every part of me wanted to go back to my 'murder building' but I walked over to Jake and his...friends. I am introduced to Taylor...'a friend' Jake says with a pause before. His other friend is Curtis. They were talking about who would win in a rap battle- Eminem versus Vanilla Ice. I hated to admit it, but I was just as disinterested as Taylor.
I only stayed for two drinks and don't remember when Jake and I wound up in one of his booths huddled together drawing on napkins. We were trying to drunkenly figure out who would harm Mrs. Lampis. We finally stopped when Taylor came over pouting and talking about how bored she was.
I take out my phone to look at the pictures I took of our napkin drawings. The Standard general manager is now eight minutes late. No conclusions could be drawn from our napkins, but the 'WHY????' which took up one whole napkin stood out to me. Mrs. Lampis wasn't robbed, but her apartment was rummaged through.
My phone vibrates in my hand, it's a text from Jake: hey, seems Mrs. Lampis was killed some time friday night/early saturday morning.
Me: This still doesn't determine if she knew the person or they were waiting for her in her apartment...
Three dots show that Jake has some things to say, but I see The Standard general manager coming towards me. Of course.
After deciding on the music, the sushi and the cocktails, I head onto the Highline to walk it before heading back to my office. I decide to read Jake's text.
J: i think she knew the person. like stabbing, strangling is intimate...you have to be strong and determined.
J: speakeasy tonight?
I reread his texts. Were we really doing this? Trying to solve this? I think we like how each other thinks...honestly since meeting Taylor, I think Jake is just fascinated by my weird.
This doesn't stop me from planning my mystery solving outfit right down to my coconut conditioner- so that when Jake leans close I smell like a dream.
After dinner and biding time watching Youtube vids, I head to Jake's speakeasy. When I step out of my apartment I feel alert. Just felt a sense of danger. I hear the stairway door close. I head back into my apartment and lock my door.
I pull an Allison and lean on the door, breathing heavy, extra dramatic.
Me: A, are you home?
A: Yes. Doors locked- you wanna come up?
Me: Uh...no thanks. Stay inside.
Me: Jake, I can't come through someone weird in building. Just a feeling I have.
I don't get a text back from Jake, so I throw on some sweats and see what kind of sword situation Amazon has that I can order. Two knocks at my door.
I walk towards my kitchen to grab a knife, then my phone vibrates. It's Jake.
J:hey its me. let me in.
I look through the peephole and see his worried face. I open the door forgetting I have a knife in my hand. Jake smiles at the knife as I close and lock the door.
"Ah...sorry." I go to put the knife away. A few things I realize: Jake is in my apartment, I have on raggedy ass sweats and I pulled a knife on Jake in my apartment that he is in for the first time.
"No worries...that's smart. So what happened?" He is looking at my wall art, checking out my books and smiles at a few comic figurines I have. As he openly snoops he makes sure to maintain eye contact with me. The sexiest thing about it was that I truly didn't mind. I am not one to have just anybody in my space. Jake seemed to fit.
"I went out my door and just got this feeling. Then heard stairway door close...I know, I am just paranoid cuz someone was killed here the other day..." I sit on my couch giving Jake a silent go ahead to continue 'snooping around'. I am an interesting person.
"Nah instincts are a good thing to follow. You're just hyper aware....there was no forced entry which is really backing my 'she knew the person' theory." He picks up a picture of me and my family- a photo of us at Harry Potter World. Four grown ass Black people in cloaks and shorts. Jake smiles and gently places the picture back. He then joins me on my couch.
"That really sucks then...a betrayal. " I cross my arms. I then sit up and look at him-
"I am not here to kill you. Stop." He rolls his eyes and absently taps my knee. "I am just being...weird because I am in your apartment and it feels nice."
I literally gulp. "Well it doesn't feel weird for you to be here. It feels nice. I don't like people."
He smiles, "I know." We sit in silence a while. Jake is here feeling these vibes and we are just sitting here feeling them together...but also trying to solve a murder. My life seems to be on one so I am going to play along. I turn to Jake and lean close to him. I kiss him on the cheek like were Mormon teens about to get married.
Thankfully, he takes my face with one hand and kisses me like an adult. Slow like he had been wanting to do this and wanted to savor the moment. His lips softly kiss my chin and down my throat. I am tugging at his man bun- and then we hear the scream.
We both jump up and run to my door. Jake steps in front of me in a protective way, I have to admit I was scared but very turned on.
My neighbor Ana Ortiz is holding a bat and is pacing the hallway.
"Ana what's up?" I ask.
"Some asshole prick trying to get into my apartment...just turning the knob. He took off for the stairs when I screamed."
Jake pulls out his phone, "I'm going to call the police- is that cool?" Ana nods. As Jake dials and begins speaking he has an arm around me and I know he can feel me shaking. Shaking because my gut feeling was correct and whoever killed Mrs. Lampis was on my floor.
....Will Jake and I find this person? Will the police? Will Jake and I continue on the makeout journey we were on?
Stay tuned!
It was a Spring day. The air was crisp, birds were chirping. I did that thing where you look around and think 'life is good'- except you are saying it in your head to no one.
"She does smile...." A familiar voice says. It was a nice voice, throaty and thoughtful. I turn to look into the blue soulful eyes of Jake Gyllenhaal. Jake is a chef who owns a neighborhood restaurant and speakeasy, both in Brooklyn. Jake has all the ingredients to be a douche-right down to a tousled man bun but he isn't which is why I let him meet me most mornings to grab iced coffee and talk about life. I don't remember when this started or why, I just know we do this...and are just 'neighborhood friends'. This means that Jake has not made a hint of a move towards me. If he did, I would be beside myself with all kinds of emotions but I would want to have a lot of sex with him. Jake Gyllenhaal is the perfect blend of smart, funny and sexy. Also, weird. Weird in the best way. Weird in a way where his weird and my weird mesh...
"Jake, what's up?" I hope all the sunlight hides my blush- it is hard to hide my blush as I am caramel colored Black woman who tends to blush a lot.
"Tiana, you know what...it is a beautiful day in the neighborhood-" just as he says this, five police cars zoom past us. We both stop walking to see where they are going and notice they all turn onto my block. "The fuck is going on?" My thoughts exactly Jake.
"Coffee then we go figure this out." My need for and iced coffee superseded being nosy. So we walked to Bagel World on Dekalb Avenue, our favorite spot. It was always that easy with Jake.
Once we were armed with our coffee's we head back towards my block. Jake slides his Ray-Ban's onto his nose, "What are we expecting? Dope deal gone wrong..."
"I am thinking more of sex position gone wrong and its Mrs. Lampis!" We both chuckle. Mrs. Lampis is the neighborhood 'mama'. She looks out for everyone and we look out for her because her children lived out of state, and her sister lived in the Bronx which was like another state.
As we turned onto my block we see all the frenzy is happening in my building. I gulp down some iced coffee. Instinctually, we slow down as we neared my building. Suddenly a person is in front of us, it is my neighbor Allison.
"T! Oh thank goodness." She is out of breath, not from running most likely from the drama she is about to hit me with.
"What's going on Allison?" I asked and watch as she eyed Jake. I let her eye. I understand. The hair, the scruff, the Ray-Bans, light grey tee, denim jacket and dark grey sweatpants. It wasn't a 'look', but it was something on him.
Allison clears her throat, "It's Mrs. Lampis!-" Jake nudges me, Allison continues "she was found dead in her apartment." Jake and I audibly groan.
Allison goes on to tell us that when Mrs. Lampis didn't make it down to the animal shelter which was part of her usual Saturday morning routine. Mrs. Lampis volunteers at the shelter and then she usually stops by Jake's restaurant for lunch.
Instead, she was found in her apartment apparently strangled.
I sigh, "That is sad....and this neighborhood is peak gentrified..."
"Well white people do enjoy serial killing..." Jake adds. Allison and I nod.
A detective Cardona walks over us, "You live in this building?" He looks over all three of us.
Allison and I raise our hands like idiots.
"We live in this building." I say.
"Did you know the victim?" Detective Cardona pulls out notepad. We both nod.
"When was the last time you seen her?" He scribbles on his pad.
"I think yesterday..." I look at Allison.
"Yeah, I saw her yesterday too and helped her carry some groceries in." Allison looks down at the ground realizing that would be the last time she ever saw Mrs. Lampis.
"Everything normal then..." Someone calls out to him. "Listen, we'll be in touch." He walks over to the voice that was calling out to him.
We all stand in silence for a bit. The sounds of Jake and I's straws squeaking in our cups as we sipped.
"I say we walk to DUMBO to stare at the water." Jake suggests. Allison and I nod slowly and we all begin walking towards DUMBO to look at the water.
------------------
The lobby of the Standard Hotel is buzzing with people and low playing music. I tap my pen on my thigh as I wait for the general manager. When I am not strolling about and finding out my neighbors have been strangled, I am event planner for a small company in Tribeca. Right now, I am planning a graduation party at the Standard's indoor pool. Waiting for the general manager who is now five minutes late has allowed me to ponder things.
After our walk to look at the water, all in silence, Jake texts me once I am back upstairs in my apartment.
J: if its weird up there come to my speakeasy- drinks on me.
Me: I just may take you up on that. Thanks!
Jake gets me which is weird that he hasn't hit on me. The universe can be a truth revealing bitch because when I do make it Jake's speakeasy he is there looking amazing. Laughing so that his eyes do that crinkle thing that gives me butterflies. His sculpted arms bare in his t shirt are around this lanky blonde. Her face was pretty, but punch-able. She leans back against him trying to act amused at what Jake and the person he was talking to were saying.
"Tiana!" Jake waved me over. Every part of me wanted to go back to my 'murder building' but I walked over to Jake and his...friends. I am introduced to Taylor...'a friend' Jake says with a pause before. His other friend is Curtis. They were talking about who would win in a rap battle- Eminem versus Vanilla Ice. I hated to admit it, but I was just as disinterested as Taylor.
I only stayed for two drinks and don't remember when Jake and I wound up in one of his booths huddled together drawing on napkins. We were trying to drunkenly figure out who would harm Mrs. Lampis. We finally stopped when Taylor came over pouting and talking about how bored she was.
I take out my phone to look at the pictures I took of our napkin drawings. The Standard general manager is now eight minutes late. No conclusions could be drawn from our napkins, but the 'WHY????' which took up one whole napkin stood out to me. Mrs. Lampis wasn't robbed, but her apartment was rummaged through.
My phone vibrates in my hand, it's a text from Jake: hey, seems Mrs. Lampis was killed some time friday night/early saturday morning.
Me: This still doesn't determine if she knew the person or they were waiting for her in her apartment...
Three dots show that Jake has some things to say, but I see The Standard general manager coming towards me. Of course.
After deciding on the music, the sushi and the cocktails, I head onto the Highline to walk it before heading back to my office. I decide to read Jake's text.
J: i think she knew the person. like stabbing, strangling is intimate...you have to be strong and determined.
J: speakeasy tonight?
I reread his texts. Were we really doing this? Trying to solve this? I think we like how each other thinks...honestly since meeting Taylor, I think Jake is just fascinated by my weird.
This doesn't stop me from planning my mystery solving outfit right down to my coconut conditioner- so that when Jake leans close I smell like a dream.
After dinner and biding time watching Youtube vids, I head to Jake's speakeasy. When I step out of my apartment I feel alert. Just felt a sense of danger. I hear the stairway door close. I head back into my apartment and lock my door.
I pull an Allison and lean on the door, breathing heavy, extra dramatic.
Me: A, are you home?
A: Yes. Doors locked- you wanna come up?
Me: Uh...no thanks. Stay inside.
Me: Jake, I can't come through someone weird in building. Just a feeling I have.
I don't get a text back from Jake, so I throw on some sweats and see what kind of sword situation Amazon has that I can order. Two knocks at my door.
I walk towards my kitchen to grab a knife, then my phone vibrates. It's Jake.
J:hey its me. let me in.
I look through the peephole and see his worried face. I open the door forgetting I have a knife in my hand. Jake smiles at the knife as I close and lock the door.
"Ah...sorry." I go to put the knife away. A few things I realize: Jake is in my apartment, I have on raggedy ass sweats and I pulled a knife on Jake in my apartment that he is in for the first time.
"No worries...that's smart. So what happened?" He is looking at my wall art, checking out my books and smiles at a few comic figurines I have. As he openly snoops he makes sure to maintain eye contact with me. The sexiest thing about it was that I truly didn't mind. I am not one to have just anybody in my space. Jake seemed to fit.
"I went out my door and just got this feeling. Then heard stairway door close...I know, I am just paranoid cuz someone was killed here the other day..." I sit on my couch giving Jake a silent go ahead to continue 'snooping around'. I am an interesting person.
"Nah instincts are a good thing to follow. You're just hyper aware....there was no forced entry which is really backing my 'she knew the person' theory." He picks up a picture of me and my family- a photo of us at Harry Potter World. Four grown ass Black people in cloaks and shorts. Jake smiles and gently places the picture back. He then joins me on my couch.
"That really sucks then...a betrayal. " I cross my arms. I then sit up and look at him-
"I am not here to kill you. Stop." He rolls his eyes and absently taps my knee. "I am just being...weird because I am in your apartment and it feels nice."
I literally gulp. "Well it doesn't feel weird for you to be here. It feels nice. I don't like people."
He smiles, "I know." We sit in silence a while. Jake is here feeling these vibes and we are just sitting here feeling them together...but also trying to solve a murder. My life seems to be on one so I am going to play along. I turn to Jake and lean close to him. I kiss him on the cheek like were Mormon teens about to get married.
Thankfully, he takes my face with one hand and kisses me like an adult. Slow like he had been wanting to do this and wanted to savor the moment. His lips softly kiss my chin and down my throat. I am tugging at his man bun- and then we hear the scream.
We both jump up and run to my door. Jake steps in front of me in a protective way, I have to admit I was scared but very turned on.
My neighbor Ana Ortiz is holding a bat and is pacing the hallway.
"Ana what's up?" I ask.
"Some asshole prick trying to get into my apartment...just turning the knob. He took off for the stairs when I screamed."
Jake pulls out his phone, "I'm going to call the police- is that cool?" Ana nods. As Jake dials and begins speaking he has an arm around me and I know he can feel me shaking. Shaking because my gut feeling was correct and whoever killed Mrs. Lampis was on my floor.
....Will Jake and I find this person? Will the police? Will Jake and I continue on the makeout journey we were on?
Stay tuned!
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