Wednesday, October 5, 2016

(Throwin' Up) On Trends

I mean I like trends and am smart enough to know what works and what doesn't work...for me.  Being a sometimes judg-y, petty schmuck- I also know what doesn't work for you.
I know, I know.
You are still stuck on me calling myself 'petty' and 'judg-y', me this often highly evolved being....but I am aware enough to know I have my moments (meaning I have listened to the #Solange album).
For instance, last week I was nauseous because two people in my office were wearing kitten heels!

The kitten heel...

Is certainly a think I will judge you on.  I don't care what age you are...religion, race, trans...there is NEVER A NEED to wear a kitten heel.  You either wear a fucking heel or you don't!  Heels come in various sizes that are acceptable to wear and EVEN be comfortable.  The 1 inch or 2 inch heel is NOT acceptable.  Nothing 1 inch or 2 inches is ACCEPTABLE! (#Cheeky)
Kitten heels say to me that YOU want to be comfortable BY ANY MEANS (#MalcomX)...but you also want to not be sexually desired nor do you want other women to envy your style!
Its says you give no fux about life, liberty or the pursuit of happiness.
It says you want to make ME sick!

Kitten heels....

They seem to be on trend now...which will make those less inclined to style or care think it is okay to wear them.  IT IS NOT OKAY!  Everything is not for everyone!

Just please...PLEASE don't do it.

Monday, August 22, 2016

A Chronicles of Cashmere Series: Z is for Zayn

** Gotta keep it light for the summa with a little Zayn Malik fanfic! Holla!  Nope, I did not go back in a time machine and make myself 16 again.**


  The library seemed like the safest place to be especially when he found a dark corner among 'the stacks'.  "The stacks' where tall bookcases dwelled- as high as the ceiling- filled with books as far as the eye could see.  'No one would find him here' he thought.  Then he trips over a leg, a leg topped off with a nice sneaker.
"Ouch...the fuck..."  A rather melodic female voice says.  She sits up and what he noticed first were her eyes and second, that they lacked any recognition of who he was.

"Sorry."  His voice low and raspy with a British accent.  This caused one delicate eyebrow to raise on her face.  Mikaela was a sophomore at Buffalo State College, and had only heard the hard 'r' of the Buffalonean accent.  This vaguely brown Brit with tattoos that appeared to cover most of his body- or what she could see in his t-shirt- intrigued her.  She wondered why he appeared to be frazzled and hiding out in the stacks of the library.

"As long as you're not here to harm me, then I accept your apology."  She tried to remember a few self defensive moves she learned from the free classes given on campus.
He chuckles causing his already sparkling brown eyes to almost shoot out glitter- Mikaela shook her head, who is this twinkly eyed Brit who has her sounding like a teen romcom.

"No, I am not here to harm you.  I am just trying to hide- and not because I harmed someone."  He smirks.  There were very few people who didn't know who Zayn Malik was so when he came upon this person who seemed to have no clue, he decided that 'hiding' with her would suit him just fine.  He sits cross legged in front of her and almost laughed when he sees her eyes roll.
"I may be overstepping the line, but I think you found the best spot to hide so I'd like to join you. I promise to be quiet."  He does the zipper over his lips thing.  Besides, he wouldn't mind just watching her read.
"I'm Zayn by the way..."  He holds out a tatted hand.

She takes his hand though she still wasn't into him 'hiding' with her, "I'm Mikaela.  Don't speak or creepily stare and you can stay." She thought the name Zayn sounded vaguely familiar but she focused on trying to ignore him and the fact that she wanted to hear his voice.  Maybe look into those sparkling eyes again- she dry heaved a little because she thought she was going to make herself sick.
Her focus fought hard to remain on the book in her hands, but she looked up and saw Zayn's handsome face smiling at nothing in particular.
"Why are you hiding anyways?"  She asks.  She closes her book because she knew it was never getting read, well not until this Zayn fellow was ready to 'un-hide' himself.

"I am doin' a concert here on campus-"

"Please don't tell me you're a rapper..."  There was the eye roll again.

He chuckles, "No, I sing."

"Sorry I don't know who you are...I study a lot."  She shrugs.

"It's great you don't know who I am...believe me-"

"So you're one of those...'oh, fame is too much...all this money, hoes and people caring about my every move' celebrities."

Zayn thought about that for second and realized he did come off like a privileged bloke at times.  "I just need a break once in a while- I won't complain too much, but try having swarms of girls screaming and crying whenever they are in your presence.  Every single time."

"Would this be before or after I counted all my money?"

"Touche`."  He smiles.  "So, all you do is study?  This is college you should be having fun."

"I have my fun...and now I can tell everyone I was hiding in the stacks with Zayn..."

"Malik.  That should add some intrigue...maybe we should find a secret door out and explore...Buffalo."  As he said it, he almost wanted to take it back- but then he realized he really wouldn't mind spending time with this Mikaela and hearing her thoughts on things.  A person who would give it to him straight and not 'yes, Zayn' him to death.  He notices the air becomes a bit cooler and sees Mikaela doesn't appear too happy.

"I can't leave." She practically whispers.  She almost hated how much the thought of walking through Delaware Park with him seemed perfect.  They would talk about nothing and everything.

Zayn stands and holds out a hand to Mikaela- "Come, let's find a side door- I have a feeling you're good at avoiding people."
Mikaela looks at his hand and smiles weakly.  He looked so earnest, she almost stood up...

"I can't...I thought you were hiding out anyways."

He shrugs and sits back down, " You're right.  Let me relish this moment.  I even turned my phone off...I'm afraid to look at it..."

"So don't..."  With that, they proceeded to talk about nothing and everything.  Zayn revealed things he only told close friends and he would stop laughing just to hear her throaty chuckle.  It felt like one of those moments that would be fleeting but neither would forget.  He didn't understand why, but the longer they chatted, the more he felt like he would never see her again.

"Give me your number- so when I am finished performing we or something."  He takes out his phone and squints his eyes shut, the mere thought of all the messages that would appear made him tense.  He didn't wanna leave this space...or Mikaela, but he had to be responsible
He is surprised when he opens his eyes and Mikaela is standing and smiling down at him, her hand held out.

"I'll find you." She leaned in enjoying his warmth...and she went for it, she kissed his cheek.  Zayn felt a tingle where her soft lips touched his face.  He often felt jaded but at that moment he felt himself blush with the flutter of butterflies in his toned belly.

"Okay."  Something told him to say more.  To hold her, but when he opened his eyes, which he didn't realize he was still holding closed, she was gone.  The air still smelled like her.  It smelled like vanilla and ginger.  He sighs heavily and vows to come back here and wait until she appeared again...if she didn't find him as promised.


Zayn was so distracted by trying to get out of his well hidden spot and then out of the library, he almost walked into a wall.  What shook him out of his reverie and thoughts of Mikaela...was Mikaela.  A beautiful portrait of the face he just spent an hour staring at.  He then notices the dates underneath the photo: June 9, 1995- April 10, 2013. Her name was Mikaela Jones.
He feels like he's been punched in the gut.  A librarian appears pushing a cart full of books.

"Are you okay?"  He asks.

Zayn tries speaking several times, but no words come out.  He is just able to point at Mikaela's picture.

"Oh yeah...Mikaela Jones.  Sweet girl.  She worked here at the night some sicko got in and killed her...right in the stacks.  Didn't find her until the next morning...they caught the guy- since then we upped security around here...and named this area 'MJ Stacks'.  Mikaela loved the stacks." The librarian looks at something that isn't there and smiles.  Then he slowly makes his way towards the elevators.


Friday, August 12, 2016


It can't be all shit ALL THE TIME....gotta have some light, fun moments to remind me of the tender kitten I ammmmmm.
Recently I went to visit another city that is dear to my heart, Buffalo.  While in Buffalo I discussed with my homie Stacey the journeys of the members of NSYNC.  You see, back in college, Stacey and I were deep into NSYNC.  Am talking two concerts, all the CD's, had to see/tape whenever they were on television...
Mainly our discussion involved figuring out what JC was doing.  I suggested him being a manager at a Guitar Center and Stacey just hoped he was OKAY.
Then his (JC's) birthday came and this happened.....

Justin DOES still take their calls!  Chris looks exactly the same because he has always looked 40!! ...and then there is JC!  He is alive and looks to work as a manager at a Restoration Hardware or an Apple Store.  He looks well.  I LOVE that they hung out on his birthday!  This gave me hope for the world.  This gave me hope for life.
Thank you NSYNC for getting me through college (in a slightly creepy way because most girls at concerts were like 13, but I was always like I CAN ACTUALLY SLEEP WITH THEM) and for now getting me through a world where a dude with an asshole shaped mouth can really run for president.

Tuesday, July 26, 2016

Black, Black

"You're not, black though..."

That's really what most people want - or to not be made to feel like their feelings, struggles or simply being a human being is insignificant.
Unfortunately, Black people are often made to feel insignificant and claims of racism and abusive cops are invalidated.  Even when there is proof, we are told how we deserved to be killed because of criminal pasts or HONEST mistakes.  No one is held accountable for our lives so we shout 'BLACK LIVES MATTER' and are told 'ALL LIVES MATTERS' to further invalidate us.  When the basic meaning of  'all lives matter' IS that 'black lives matter'.
In my experience, back when I gave a fuck, I spent most of my time validating my blackness or apologizing for it.  By apologizing, I mean really 'promoting' all these 'non-specifically' black things I was into to prove I was 'cool' and 'please don't think I am just some sassy, neck rolling black girl'.
Little did I know, I didn't have to work that hard because very few people thought of me as BLACK at all.  I was 'not like them'.  I was this light skinned, ambiguous looking chick.  I didn't look black or 'talk black'...I wasn't, you know, black black.
These words have been said to me in a non joking way.
It made me mad but I was young and dumb and couldn't put a finger on why because being black wasn't a burden to was just who I was.  I was into the 'we shall over come' and if I don't 'see color' and just surround myself with likeminded people we WILL overcome.
Then I got 'woke'. Woke or start really seeing the world...and really listening to people...and really start not giving a fuck.  I realized I had nothing to prove and that people are mostly shit.  Then I started seeing videos and pictures of black people being murdered and LISTENING to people invalidate these black lives.  Invalidate my life.
Like when I say I have been followed around stores or (when I was on dating sites) be told that I could get a way with saying I am not Black...because it would make me more attractive.
People don't like to believe me or think I am exaggerating because...I am not black, black.

With all the recent events, I had gone back into my slightly depressed state.  Being woke causes constant rage and depression which are never good states to be in. So I try to do things to encourage laughter and be the carefree Black girl I am...
I went to see Ghostbusters and as I laughed and thoroughly enjoyed the movie, every time I saw m'girl Leslie Jones I thought about how AWFUL ASS PEOPLE were trying to knock her down and tell her she didn't DESERVE to be in that movie and compared her looks to a monkey.
Here I was enjoying a moment, yet had to be reminded about how truly AWFUL the world is and most people are.
Here is this beautiful, talented, HILARIOUS woman invalidated simply because she is Black.

I always discuss perspective and how I try my hardest to have it.  Not when it comes to ignorant assholes, but just in general.  My experiences have allowed me to gain a lot of perspective and have taught me to never negate someones feelings (unless they are cruel and/or dumb) or experiences.  I mean I am TRYING...but for the most part I have my headphones on and I'm writing all the fanfiction (in my head) that I have started and am trying to finish but world events get me into a non creative funk...

Wednesday, July 6, 2016

So You Think You Can FitBit?

Last night I had a dream I was trapped in a room.  The room was in an abandoned building- well it appeared to be, it could have just been real industrial.
I was not alone in this room, there were like 9-10 other people who I cannot recall...but I think I knew them.  We seemed to work well together in any case...because we were engineering some machines AND choreographing a dance routine that incorporated these machines.
It was a whole NUMBER.  A dance number that required acrobatics and engineering!!
Once we were done...we were then judged by Jay-Z who showed up wearing a black Yankee fitted and had about 5 people with him.  We did our thing and then breathlessly awaited the verdict.
Jay-Z LOVED it so we were then free to leave the room...and the building.

I don't know WHAT this means, but I do know I just got a FitBit so I blame that.

Wednesday, June 22, 2016

Dear Bobby Flay,

It was a warm Friday eve when our spiritual and physical bodies made contact- okay not in that WAY, but in the way where we were pretty much sitting next to each other.  You were dressed like the pic above.  Me looking fly in whatever I was wearing.  I was there with a friend who was treating me to birthday dranks and a meal.  A fine meal.  We had been to Gato before and knew immediately we had to go back.  She figured a summer Friday before my birthday was the way to go.
I spent most of the meal making lewd comments (the usual) about us (you and me Bobby)- about how you are not my type but I would definitely have BRUNCH AT BOBBY'S post a long night of playing UNO and love making.  I mentioned how you would keep me well fed during my visits to your apartment.  I also mentioned that the food we were eating was so good that you must've put dick shavings in it...
I may have said a lot more but...dranks.
Suddenly the check arrived and then you did.  I made a comment about 'my boyfriend showing up to pay the bill' and our lovely waitress laughed...and you did a squinty thing where you realized I was 'no one' and proceeded to sit at the table next to us.
I have made it NO SECRET that you can get it!...I mean I didn't make it obvious in person because I AM A LADDDDY and also...look at me.  I am fine as hell!  I am not thirsty for dudes...even you Bobby Flay- BUT there was a heat betweenst us.  You felt it.  I felt it.  So stop fronting and be the grown man you are and hit me up.
I like bloody mary's as a brunch drink and am allergic to oranges so they can't be a part of any meals you make for me.  Please include that egg dish you make at Gato though because that dish is so simple yet so amazing!
I see you like to use social media, but please no pics of us together...respect my privacy please and thank you.

Speak soon.



Monday, June 20, 2016

You Like Me, You Really Really Like Me

Some people don't realize what they have until it's gone- luckily am constantly reminded of how lucky I am and all that I have.
Me, a wretched goddess of love, joy and hate, who is cared for and by people.  Amazing people.
Last week I sort of celebrated my birthday- like I didn't make it a thing, just told people I was on a staycation so they could have their way with me if they were around.  Now we all know I am a person who values her time...ESPECIALLY alone time, so for me to want to hang out with ANYONE means I really really like you, and because I know people who value their time and have THINGS going on, for these people to put aside time to share a meal, a drink, a laugh...any or all of that with me...whew I am truly blessed.
Each and every day was occupied by someone I love who loves me back...and my bro even hooked me up with a sleek new alarm so that I would always be ON TIME.

Thank you to all who sent love, showed love or just thought about me and kicked someone- I truly appreciate it!!