You Don't Know My Life: I WAS RIGHT!

Yesterday I was anticipating the Scandal finale and predicted that dude giving Noel orders was Olivia's dad...and I was RIGHT!
How was I right?  Why did I know?
I'd like to say intuition...or that I am on the same extraordinary level as Shonda Rhimes and her writers!  The whole great minds think alike thing.
...maybe it means Shonda should consider giving 'a humble young writer just tryin' to make it in the world' a chance.  Somehow I work in a dance sequence and write myself into the show as 'Liv's kid sister who steals her clothes (they will be ill fitting as I am double Kerry Washingtons size) and her men- mainly Fitz.  #Escandalo

The finale had everything *said in Bill Hader's Stefon (character on SNL) voice*: heart attacks, drilling, blood splatter, no romance novel realness, breakups, makeups,  superpowers and daddy's revealed.
It was CRAY.  I had a tension headache.
I will spend the whole of summer wondering if the 'Liv & Fitz will ever be together because now it is looking like it is NOT meant to be.  Also, can Olivia's mom be played by Phylicia Rashad??!!!!

....AND I have been hearing rumors that because of Scandal,  Black women have been seeking White men and vice versa! HA!  This is just in time for my annual White Boy Summer!!!! - though I will add that White boys with SUPERPOWERS need only apply!

This will help pass the time till Scandal is BACK!

You Don't Know My Life: Finales Are Upon Us!!!!!!

 O M G tonight is the season 2 finale of Scandal!!
I'm going to have to do some type of yoga and breathing exercises to calm myself down.  The last few episodes have had me either crying, fanning myself or massaging my jaw from clenching it too tight (minds out the gutter). 
 First, the whole Mellie, Fitz, Cyrus and 'Liv situation is bananas.  I mean, I get what Mellie is doing- she is hurt and wants Fitz to LOVE her...but Mellie done forgot that once you Black...you give up presidencies n' shit.
....but for Cy to try to have her killed??? Oh wait, it's not Cy, it's David Rosen n' Billy Chambers?!  Which leads me to this whole Who Is The Mole? thing.  I am just so confused.  I mean, I thought it was Mellie but then they made it seem like it was David Rosen n' Bill Chambers (please note that I say 'Chambers' with the same Southern accent of VP Sally Langston).  Now I am hearing that we STILL don't know who the mole is???!!!!
You want me to deal with that AND the fact that Huck was 'normal' n' had a cute lil family that was taken away by THE MAN aka the government???!!!
...but I am placated by all the makeup sex Fitz n' 'Liv are having-when he sat with her and Marvin Gaye was playing and they were just watching the clock...counting down the minutes to his career possibly being over n' to him CHOOSING HER!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.  That whole scene made it THAT much harder for dudes out there.  Well, the dudes who will ever have any interest in 'turning bills into laws in my vagina'- you gotta have that giving up being POTUS passion! #POTUSPassion
Then this whole Noel working with OLIVIA'S DAD- yes, I am calling it.  The dude that Noel (his name on the show is Jake, but I have explained that he will ALWAYS be Noel) has been meeting with who is head of the shady agency Huck worked for- that's 'Livs dad.  I am telling you!  Not just cuz he's Black, but because how IS Olivia Pope so untouchable?!  I went to college.  I know how to use my brain!
...if I am wrong, then my excuse is I am a non published writer with an over active imagination. #SmileyFace
So tonight I am just going to stretch, have my coconut  milk ice cream ready and try to deal.  There is going to be A LOT going on and I will just have to be like Olivia Pope and handle it!

Another season finale I'll be watching is The Mindy Project- listen, I tried not to like this show.  Why?  Mostly because it had that whole 'I know I am funny n' quirky' thing going on that I find sooooooo annoying about Zoey Deschanel, which is why I cannot watch New Girl.  The Mindy Project is NOT New Girl, I actually enjoy it and laugh...and relate.  Plus, Dr. Castellano.  Oh man, I want to play doctor with that dude for real...even though I think he is really short, who cares!  He gets the Bruno Mars pass (i.e. the short dudes who can GET IT).
I was going to write about my BIGGEST gripe with the show being its lack of diversity- listen, I know for some people one Brown or Black or Yellow person is enough, but when your show takes place in NYC that shit is not legit.  This was written and pretty much covered what I wanted to say on the matter.
In any case, I will continue to watch the show and be entertained...and drool over Mindy's gear...and Dr. Castellano's bulge in his jeans.  Also, I truly enjoy the woman who plays the ex nurse.  She cracks me up.  The show really does make L O L a lot which is rare for a hater like myself.

Have I Mentioned....

....that I am obsessed with the Amanda Bynes of today?  DON'T get me wrong, I think she needs help and I think it is sad that no one is giving it to her....but I am just fascinated- yes, that is the correct term.  Not obsessed, I am fascinated by this cray cray Amanda Bynes.
Listen, I watched that What I Like About You show with she n' Jeannie Garth and more importantly Simon Rex -  I am strangely obsessed with Simon Rex.  I think I heard about/saw his large penis and so began my obsession. Am a simple creature.

Anywho, with Amanda talking about Drake murdering her vagina and looking like a chola , she has placed herself on my radar.  She makes me wanna line my lips and just get it poppin'.  She appears to be leader of a one woman wolf pack...and she lives in New York so I am hoping to bump into her.  Our meet-up would include throwing back several wheatgrass shots and taking selfies in the bathrooms of various Starbucks.  I wouldn't try talking sense to Amanda, in fact, we would barely speak.  Just hangin' silently an being cray cray.
I don't know why her brand of cray appeals to me, I just know I look forward to her tweets and selfie pics...even the gifs! 

AHHHHHHHHHHHH- that gif pretty much says it all by saying nothing at all.
Amanda...honey....I truly hope you get the help you need but I am shamelessly enjoying the wild ride you are taking me on- I just realized WHY I am fascinated.  It has to do with my love of 'keeping it real' aka 'no fronting'.  Now 'keeping it real' can amount to dying which is BAD, but I just find it refreshing when people don't give a fuck...to an extent.  Hate all the phony bitches who pretend they're perfect-I'm looking at YOU Beyotche`.  AB aka AbsolutleyInsanelyCrazy Bitch aka Amanda is all like 'I have my own money and imma just do me n' shit'.  REEEESPECT.
That's not the part that makes her crazy though, it's the whole wanting of  Drake to murder her vag- I respect the being a straight forward woman thing, but Drake?  He looks like he would read your vag a bedtime story and tell it his dreams...not murder it.  That's where Amanda is a lil disillusioned...

She is still  my favorite right now, deal with it.

You Don't Know My Life: The Re-watching of Felicity

 Felicity.  This show was definitely part of my coming of age- for instance whenever I walked across my college campus and caught the right kind of breeze I would hear that Vanessa Carlton song play and have my "Felicity' moment.  A 'Felicity' moment AKA White girl moment is that rare moment when all is right with the world and I can just have deep thoughts about shoes or tacos.The show, of course, was very different, but that was my interpretation....

I remember watching the show before, but not religiously.  I remember liking it, but I had so many things on my mind back then- boys, food, new clothes, boys, food, becoming an actress, etc.
...really not much different from now.
Well except now I don't pretend like I am ALWAYS occupied and in demand.  It is OKAY because I don't have that feeling that I am missing something especially when there's Ben...

No, I just shrug off being social for revisiting my friends at the University of New York.  I felt like I was back in school myself.  All those emotions.  All those finals.
Felicity was crazy for following Ben, but then again, look how her life turned out.  She met some amazing people and GOT BEN!  Just goes to show you that one must take risks in order to be LIVING.
When I watched the show in the past, I didn't get the whole Ben Vs. Noel thing because...BEN, I mean I just thought he was so cute and she traveled across the country for him.
Watching it now, I see why Ben was a a bit of a twat and why Noel was a great choice.  Dependable, funny, supportive, sometimes sexy Noel.  I got it.  In the end though, Ben was Felicity's soul mate.  Though dysfunctional, they worked and I liked them better together.  Noel and Felicity were just better friends.

Four seasons of Felicity was PERFECT. I got into the characters, cared, and then just before I was ready to smack everyone with a 'heeyyyyy' (because they always say 'hey') dick, it was over.  I felt satisfied but still, I had a few thoughts....

• Why was Julie just the worst?!  Even re-watching didn't make me like her needy whiny ass! No wonder her mom didn't want her!
• That was mean....but seriously, Julie stays annoying me.
• It was really all about Javier and Megan, those two always made my life!
• Watching that show makes me wanna work at Dean & Deluca though I lack whatever skillz it takes to deal with customers and not hit someone repeatedly.
• Megan made Sean better because before he was just this sad older dude hanging with a bunch of kids.
• Ben's lips.  He was a loud breather but his lips surrounded by that scruff....dayum.
• Remember when Felicity lost her virginity to Simon Rex??!!!!
• They shoulda NEVER changed theme songs!
• The time travel spell at the end.  That was some fine work!  Don't we all wish we could do things over...but we can't because it would change EVERYTHING and not for the better.

Overall, I am so glad Ru lent me ALL of his DVD's and I was able to relive the moments and the lessons. TV pretty much sucks now, so it's good to have these tidbits to live on.  *sigh*  

LL Cool Jackass

This is about 2 weeks late because a lot is going on, but I hope LL Cool J didn't think he could come out with that wack ass song "Accidental Racist" and I wasn't going to call him a shame to the Black, human and hip hop race!!  He no longer exists in my book.

I knew when his face started looking funny and he claimed he was doing juice cleanses n' shit that things weren't good with LL.  Then he started doing that NCIS or CIS or that show that has been on forever and I don't know who is watching it!
Something wasn't right...but I wasn't going to go in on LL because...he's LL.  Some of his songs are soundtracks to prime moments in my life AND he doesn't annoy me with his acting.

Then I heard he was coming out with a new album and I thought: WHY?
I mean, he's doing TV, film- he was in that classic film Deep Blue Sea where he defies being Black by scuba diving (with no gear) in shark infested waters to find/save his pet bird.
Why does he need to do music too? Or anymore.  He is wayyyy passed his prime...and then I saw that it was an album full of collabos, which included Brad Paisley.
(record scratch) WHAT?
Title of song: Accidental Racist (3 record scratches and 5 douchebag shrugs)
Lyrics to song are....

[Verse Annotate1: Brad Paisley]
To the man that waited on me
At the Starbucks down on Main
I hope you understand
When I put on that t-shirt
The only thing I meant to say
Is I'm a Skynyrd fan
The red flag on my chest somehow is
Like the elephant in the corner of the south
And I just walked him right in the room
Just a proud rebel son with an 'ol can of worms
Lookin' like I got a lot to learn
But from my point of view

[Hook: Brad Paisley]
I'm just a white man comin' to you from the southland
Tryin' to understand what it's like not to be
I'm proud of where I'm from but not everything we've done
And it ain't like you and me can re-write history
Our generation didn't start this nation
We're still pickin' up the pieces, walkin' on eggshells, fightin' over yesterday
And caught between southern pride and southern blame

[Verse 2: Brad Paisley]
They called it Reconstruction, fixed the buildings, dried some tears
We're still siftin' through the rubble after a hundred-fifty years
I try to put myself in your shoes and that's a good place to begin
But it ain't like I can walk a mile in someone else's skin

[Hook: Brad Paisley]
Cause I'm a white man livin' in the southland
Just like you I'm more than what you see
I'm proud of where I'm from but not everything we've done
And it ain't like you and me can re-write history
Our generation didn't start this nation
And we're still paying for the mistakes
That a bunch of folks made long before we came
And caught somewhere between southern pride and southern blame

[Verse 3: LL Cool J]
Dear Mr. White Man, I wish you understood
What the world is really like when you're livin' in the hood
Just because my pants are saggin' doesn't mean I'm up to no good
You should try to get to know me, I really wish you would
Now my chains are gold but I'm still misunderstood
I wasn't there when Sherman's March turned the south into firewood
I want you to get paid but be a slave I never could
Feel like a new fangled Django, dodgin' invisible white hoods
So when I see that white cowboy hat, I'm thinkin' it's not all good
I guess we're both guilty of judgin' the cover not the book
I'd love to buy you a beer, conversate and clear the air
But I see that red flag and I think you wish I wasn't here

[Hook: Brad Paisley (w/ LL Cool J ad libs)]
I'm just a white man
(If you don't judge my do-rag)
Comin' to you from the southland
(I won't judge your red flag)
Tryin' to understand what it's like not to be
I'm proud of where I'm from
(If you don't judge my gold chains)
But not everything we've done
(I'll forget the iron chains)
It ain't like you and me can re-write history
(Can't re-write history baby)

Oh, Dixieland
(The relationship between the Mason-Dixon needs some fixin')
I hope you understand what this is all about
(Quite frankly I'm a black Yankee but I've been thinkin' about this lately)
I'm a son of the new south
(The past is the past, you feel me)
And I just want to make things right
(Let bygones be bygones)
Where all that's left is southern pride
(RIP Robert E. Lee but I've gotta thank Abraham Lincoln for freeing me, know what I mean)
It's real, it's real
It's truth


Let all that lyrical genius marinate in your MIND!
I did and it made me wanna shake shit.

Where the song isn't harmful:

• it's about not judging a book by its cover and seeing passed stereotypical triggers
• it begs for us to all get along
• it has the possibility of being part of a 'Let's Travel To The South, We Won't Lynch You Black Peeps' campaign

Where the song is harmful:

•  one shouldn't judge another by what's on the outside, but if I am in the South and I am Black (which I am) and you're White wearing shirt with the Confederate flag on it, then assume that I am going to feel real uncomfortable and going to assume you are a racist. it just bes like that.
• with that said, the song asks that we forget the past and just let 'bygones be bygones'. REALLY?! it's hard to forget things when their repercussions are still prevalent.
• like LL literally asks for us to forget slavery.  which is something that upsets me when anyone says that-'get over it'.  I am not saying Black people or any enslaved peoples/peoples mistreated for their looks/race/religion/gender need to walk around 'whining' about the past or using it as some type of excuse as to why you can't succeed, but um, yeah sometimes the reasons one can't succeed have to with ethnic neighborhoods given poor educational choices, and more liquor stores than parks.  then you have people anti- affirmative action, but bitch you NEED that shit.  I've been lucky with having an ETHNIC name being able to even get into interviews. it's been luck and having kick ass references, but once I get the job I really do have to work twice as hard as my White counterparts.  it sounds all 'woe is me' but it is TRUE, I live this life and I see it.  I've been lucky mostly, and I do work hard-but imagine if I didn't have to deal with BULLSHIT.  if everyday could be a Vanessa Carlton or a Lumineers song.  it is not.
• Paisley made reference to trying to see the other point of view which I think is key, but perspective is hard for people who don't have to 'worry' about shit like not getting jobs or places to live based on their race/looks/name.  I'm not saying White peeps don't have issues, but its an altogether different set.  if you are not White...and let's say living in America, you are bombarded with the societal norm being all things White n' Christian.  White is right.  You have to know your own culture AND the predominate (White) one.  you have to fit in or you will stand out even MORE and be mistreated.  so perspective is needed-not assumptions that because I am Black,  I grew up without a dad and had to watch my mom sell her body to buy me shoes.  you need to know that we see things differently and allow me to explain why-as I will you.  am patient with ignorance for only so long.  understand that even in the 'Obama-era' that shit.is.still.really.real!  I get followed around stores, I get asked if I am mixed because I am so educated, people try to touch my hair, etc.  so understand why I get angry sometimes, don't just sweep my feelings under the rug 'get over it'. am not talking about prolonged White guilt, am just talking understanding.  
• it does go both ways though, we can't assume that all White people are racists.  we still can't walk around saying slavery never happened or don't see me as a Black person though.  that shit is ridiculous.  I AM BLACK and there is nothing wrong with that.  when people say 'I don't see color', I get their intentions, but I WANT YOU TO SEE ME and acknowledge me as a fuckin' person who may not be like you AND I am okay...and I will try to do the same for you.  racism will be here forever and always.  as long as there are people of different races, there will be racism.  we all just have to learn to deal with it and each other better and it does NOT begin with pretending things didn't happen and that when you wear a confederate flag you've made your statement and people will act accordingly.  Go cry into your venti chai, Paisley!

This song is wack, and LL Cool J can go drown himself in a spit bucket filled with sloppy redneck dicks.  It was irresponsible and a sad ploy at money gains by trying to open himself to a country audience.
LL should go off on a spirit quest.  Dig out his old fuzzy kango and FIND HIMSELF.  Journey back to Queensbridge and sit on a rooftop...maybe get mugged...and he should drink only bottled water from the bodega.  A bodega cat will speak to him and tell him how many ways he's fucked up.
Hopefully he will get himself together and get off my DUNZO LIST!  *ahem* Eff you LL!!!

Slutty Summer 2013

You know me, I get these weird epiphanies.  This time: Slutty Summer 2013 flashed in my head.
I got that far-a-way look in my eyes and then slowly nodded my head. YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!

This being me, I am not going to venture into 'imaginary world' and say this will include a lot of bangin', but being a believer in positive thinking I am not going to rule out multiple bang outs. #BodyParty
Slutty Summer 2013 is more about fashion and youth slipping away.  Luckily ( I was reminded by a friend) about my gene-ology that I still have another 10 years of youthful attitude and slutty gear wearing.  I was going to end at about 40...but now it's 45 because that's when I'll start looking at least 35. YES!
Thank you moms for the great skin genes you passed, and thanks to my zest for life n' love of SLEEP!

Things like this will most likely be seen on me.  I am not the size or shape of this chick, but I am going to GO FOR IT...while still keeping my classy demeanor.
I am going to listen to pop songs and rap songs about booty n' I'm gonna LIVE my Slutty Summer 2013.

It's gonna be about getting  that good good tan and sipping a cold fruity drink.  Will be waving my ass n' thigh meats around while telling whistling dudes to FUCK OFF!

No denim short will ever be TOO SHORT during Slutty Summer 2013.  The bottom of my asscheeks will be an unforgettable view.  ....but you STILL can't howl at me, bitches!
You also can't note my discomfort face as I walk around with yeast itch from having too tight shorts.

Slutty Summer 2013 is not just about fashion even...it is a state of mind!  A feeling of freedom n' devil-may-care.  Maintaining mystery while letting your labia hang out.

We'll see how it goes....

Why I Hated 'SpringBreakers' So Much by Me

In my last post I mentioned how seeing SpringBreakers made me cringe and that I hated everyone in the movie.  Today's post is about the WHY.

Sure,  I went into the movie thinking it was one thing, but it turned out being another.  I expected campy, violent fun...well lighthearted violence?  Hmmm.
In any case, what I got were people I gave zero fucks about and wanted to see eaten by alligators.

The story takes place in what looks to be Florida and focuses on these chicks at college who just wanna go away for spring break.  They feel going away for spring break will change their lives.
Okay, so I remember being in school and sure you looked forward to spring break because it was a break...but...life changing?  I mean, you get could preggers from all the pina colada induced train runs you have.  That would change your life.
This group of chicks decide to see how much money each has saved up to go away.  It's not enough to go away because it looks like they like to PARTY.  Most of their money went to drugs n shit so they have a brilliant idea to rob bitches.  Now they think they're hard bitches.
...but they are also bitches who can afford to go away for SPRINNNG BREAK.
They head down to wherever paradise is and party hard.  There is coke, girl on girl action, titties...and then a reflective moment in a pool where the 'goodie two shoes' of the crew says she never wants to go back or forget this moment because spring break is AWESOME!!
Then they get bailed out of jail by James Franco's character who is a rapper and an all around 'thug'.  Blah blah blah drugs blah blah blah simulated sex blah blah blah guns blah blah blah death blah blah blah

The movie did a nice juxtaposition visually of 'normal' life and 'vacation' life where everything seems brighter- especially for people who have nothing else going on and are pretty much simpletons.  That and James Franco's character were the most interesting things, everything else I gave zero fucks about.
It's hard to watch a movie where you care nothing for the characters.  They are not good people or bad people...they are just these leeches of time and oxygen.  Maybe because I see so many people like them (in real life) who love being ignorant and just love caring about shit that doesn't matter.  I cringed because this kinda vapid behavior is applauded by our society and I am just fed up with it.
Sure, it's a movie...but it is just so saturated in our society-there will be people who see this movie and feel validated in their behavior.
...maybe I am taking all the fun out of movie watching and fantasy, but shit, my feelings are valid and they are that I HATED THIS MOVIE.
I want to kick it while its down.  Bleah.