Wednesday, October 28, 2015

On The 6

This is a tale of horror and despair- I am feeling festive since Halloween is only a few days away.  As a Native New Yorker I am pretty well versed in "Fuck da MTA!"  Sure it can be efficient when it is running, but for the most part trains and buses are just somewhat moving pissy encasement's of disease and dudes who REALLY want to show you their penises.  Gross dudes though, no one like this-

is trying to show you his dick.
...but if he is, please send me the train line you ride!

So my experiences growing up in this city and riding the subway allow for me to frankly say- I know this bitch.  I will add on that the MTA is a sour bitch and the 6 train IS THE WORST.
I often take the 6 train to work because it is the quickest route and I am a slow moving bear in the winter so I need every minute of travel time.  I do have other options but they take a little longer.  So I take the 6 train.  The worst train.  The train that raises my blood pressure and starts my day off like a dirty dick to the face.
It is a mix of it NEVER running on time, stopping for no reason, being filled with the worst of corporate assholes and being dirty as hell!  It is like ALL the dude-bros with their gym bags, chicks with their yoga mats in totes and school children with book bags take this train and feel the need to get to first base with my vagina or ass.  Countless times I have been hit with a bag...and have had to mush a kid (but that is beside the point) or check to see if my uterus fell out from being hit so hard by a person who doesn't understand that crowded trains- CUZ THE 6 IS ALWAYS FUCKING CROWDED- call for taking the bag off or holding it in a way where you are not stimulating someones clit or dicktip with it!
The morning commute on the 6 train- well the evening commute as well- is crowded with people who don't understand that when the train gets a lil emptier that means EASE UP OFF ME.  I like my space and crowded trains make me uneasy, but I power through...but there is NOTHING worse than someone not moving away from you when there is more space!  Like I have been breathing your air and skin flakes AND I AM OVER IT!!!
Some will say this doesn't only happen on the 6 train- and I know this- but it's the train I ride frequently and it is the train that always finds a way to STALL right before my stop.  Like we'll zoom through all these stops and I start thinking 'oh shit, I will make it to work early or on time!'...and the train stalls.  Right before my stop.  The 6 train is like ' nah boo boo lemme slap you with this big dirty dick! let me snatch your dreams of grabbing a muffin before you get in the office.  i want you to sniff this dudes morning breath and cringe at his chest hair some more (cuz this was me the other morning looking at this dude in a plaid button-down who forgot to button a few buttons, he kept looking at me like 'WHAT?' cuz my frown was obvious and permanent)..take that, take that, eh eh'
The 6 train is on one.

Surprisingly, I haven't gotten into any screaming matching or knife fights- YET because I think I have mastered the 'fuck outta here' stare and will ask 'will you kindly fucking move?' or ' what the fuck are you doing?'- people are so confounded by the words coming out of my mouth because THEY ARE THE WORDS COMING OUT OF MY MOUTH.  I think 'my look' throws them off.  I look too 'kittenish' to ask you to 'stop being a dickstain and move your fucking bag!' or if a bitch has her legs crossed on a crowded train and is seconds from me roundhouse kicking her and breaking her ankles- I just give her 'the look'.  People usually comply.  I still mostly think it's shock...
...but if you do hear about a bloodbath on the 6 and you see a 'Carrie-like' blood soaked light skinned (trap) queen with glasses slowly emerging from the train car...it was most likely me and I have reached my limit or something.

Fuck the 6 train.