Monday, January 31, 2011

The Place Where I Work: Nip/Tuck...but not so much...

Always interesting when you're temping gig to gig. Last week I was back at the financial place that didn't totally deplete my soul- it is also where Taller Latino Prince dwells. I wish he wore ruffles or something, it would keep me interested.
...anyways this week I am working at a doctors office- not a plastic surgeon- but definitely a doctor that caters to peeps with cheddah INCLUDING celebs. Let's just say I AM THIS close to another Oprah run-in. When that happens, look for me on OWN...my show will be on after Gayle's!
Besides running around like a chicken with its head cutoff...leaving NO TIME to share my thoughts on Facebook or to blog or have B send me pics of Nicholas Cage looking pensive with his weave blowing in the wind- I find myself checking out just HOW MUCH plastic surgery peeps have had. You know moneyed peeps LOVE themselves some botox and plastic surgery.
What moneyed peeps fail to realize is HOW HORRIBLE THEY LOOK!!! No one ever looks natural or human-just crazy and waxy. Bleah.
Of course there are no hot dudes-yet. It is a small office and dudes are either overly botoxed gays or mad LL Bean. LL Bean is my term for plain jane dudes who most likely wear...LL Bean.
We'll see how it all goes...

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Best.Dream.Ever.

It seems like it would be HARD to beat me dressed as a wizard with Michael Caine (aka Alfred from Batman movies) as my go-to man- see Snakes, Wizardry and The Revolution blog- but I have truly out dreamed myself, yo!
Now I almost forgot about this due to the FUCKIN' SNOW and trekking into work, but suddenly as I was getting ass blasted by work I remembered this amazing dream.

Of course I never know how it all begins, just know that I was Oprah's sidekick and we were filming a show about....wait for it....air sex cook offs!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My subconscious WINS!!!!!
Anywho, Oprah was wearing a yellow (most likely cashmere) sweater and we were in this staged kitchen. There was a woman holding a rolling pin, wearing an apron...making an 'O' face as she slow grinded the air. Oprah and I both look at each other most likely with the same expression of 'HOLY SHIT!'

That is all I can remember because my alarm went off and I went into snow mode. This meant preparing myself for the possibility/reality of my trains not running and having to trek to another train...which is what I did.
Remembering this dream made it alllllllllllllllll better!

**Please note: Though Air Sex Championships exist- Air Sex Cookoff's DO NOT! This is why my subconscious WINS. So know that if there ever is a day when they DO exist, it was me. Me and my subconscious...and maybe whatever I had for dinner last night.**

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Conversations With Ice: Bones and Boners.




A day like today- all gloomy and wet snow slushie- makes Ice T (the ultimate friend in my head) and I feel real...bleah. He has also been avoiding apologetic calls/run-ins from/with Kanye (West) so we decide to make popcorn and watch Hollywood Shuffle and Love Actually to cheer us up. Ice is still slow to smile though...which is a tragic loss to the world. Sara's smile has nothing on Ice T's.


Me: What gives, Ice? You didn't giggle once during the Negro Theater commercial in Hollywood Shuffle and not even a sniffle when Liam Neeson and his son are on the couch watching Titanic in Love Actually!

Ice T: A lot on my mind, T. The whole father son thing makes me sad too...

Me: Oh...because your son was recently arrested for exposing himself at a strip club?

Ice T: Dammit T! Why'd you have to be all Temperence Brennan with it-

Me: (hold up hand for hi-5) Nice Bones reference! (he waits a while and hi-5's me back) You know we keep it too real, Ice.

Ice T: I know...and there's no way to sugarcoat that shit either.

Me: Yeah, it must be tough. Here you are- a pimp, and your offspring is straight swagger-less...

Ice T: Don't go too far, T. There were circumstances-

Me: ...like he didn't see the 'no sex in the champagne' room sign?

Ice T: I'm sad. I'm in pain and you mock me...

Me: You would do the same. Ice, this is how we do. We kick each other when we're down so that we get back up and maybe even kick back.

Ice T: Yeah, yeah....man, I remember when he and I watched our first porn together and homie didn't show any emotion. Thought he was going to be okay....guess I was wrong-

Me: Emotionless porn watching is a sign of strength?

Ice T: Yes. Most cats get all amped over the hint of some titties- a man, a pimp...a mother fuckin' legend is indifferent. Like it's an everyday occurrence...'oh you had a menage, my dude?' 'well that's a Tuesday for me, playa.'...and so on.

Me: Ah, the key to true pimpdom is not being thirsty, but being blase`-how come that doesn't work for me?

Ice T: There's a fine line between blase' and asexual.

Me: Truth.

Ice T:...and there he is. My son, getting all hyped up...taking his ish all out....

Me: Well, he might've been drunk...or his friends dared him- you know boys.

Ice T: I know, but this is MY son...

Me: What if he was taking it out to smurf a ho?

Ice T: (smiles for the first time) Yeah, like maybe she was talking too much junk during the lapdance and he was like: imma show you!

Me: Exactly. Also, this is why you should just let your son date me-

Ice T: As lovely as that sounds I would lose respect for you getting turned out by a teenager.

Me: Puh-lease.

Ice T: Sweet T, my son would have you singin' Hebrew hymns and we ain't even Jewish....

Me: Wow. Good to have you back Ice....

Ice T: Thanks for bringing me back with your ridiculousness.

Me: My gift...and my curse. (we hi-5 again)

The End.

Dear Idris Elba,




A few years ago while coming back from lunch I ran into you-and it was magical. There you stood across the street on your cell and I instantly noticed you. I mean, you are fine. Tall, broad shouldered, with the walk of a long lean jungle cat.
I didn't know who you were...and then you said 'hello'. To me. You also checked me out-obviously you have great taste.
I didn't jump you right then n' there because I was seeing someone and as much as I talk A LOT of SHIT, I am not the cheating type.
...of course, had I known he would turn out to be lame- I would've at least properly followed/stalked you.
I have mentioned this before, but I like reliving this moment. It also causes me to kick myself repeatedly.

Anyways, I am writing because I heard that the chick you settled for (most likely because you couldn't have me) told you she was carrying your baby and then you found out that wasn't true. Good on ya for getting a DNA test, but it does suck to be played so hard when you could've been boo'd up real decent-like with me.
All I'm saying is...come home boo. Like LL (Cool J) says at the end of the classic 'I Need Love': I'll be waiting... I love you
...okay I think he says that-either way it works!

Always,
Honey T

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Energy Balls.

I've established that just because I am a hot commodity- not just attractive, but have a personality that is as seductive as a cat rolling around on the floor in heat. Pretty hot, pretty noisy.
This dude emails me. I have never met him, but he saw me and thought: why not?
So he emails me and it's cool. I don't hate him immediately. Then like maybe 5 emails in (over a course of a few days) he writes something about my lips- it wasn't sweet as much as it was pervy. He apologizes for being crass but says he is undersexed and lack of sleep.
Um, who are you telling about being UNDERSEXED yet I don't write about placing myself upon random dudes faces and then cop out by saying I am tirrrrred.
Needless to say...I never emailed him back. Why bother?
With his 'never say die' attitude, dude emails me again. This time he offers a blind date meet up at a...wait for it...RAVE!
Did I jump in my Delorian and head back to the late 90's (or whenever I was in college)...back to the time when I went to raves n' shit. No, I didn't wear candy necklaces...but I did wear a cowboy hat.
Yep.
Let that sit with you for a minute. Me in a cowboy hat. Midriff baring shirt, windpants, skechers....not high AT ALL...at a rave.

In the nicest (sweetest) way possible I let the dude know that I had no intentions of recapturing my youth by going to a rave- I will recapture my youth by banging 21 year old dudes though. Just give me a few years.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

The Place Where I Work: Warm Body

Once in a while it'll be raining out so I'll be sleeping in soundly. Dreaming of kicking up my Laboutin covered feet on a bed of Egyptian cotton sheets and The Rock has just blended me a pina colada...and is shirtless, and wants to play a board game.
Then my phone rings-bringing back to my reality- and it is my agency and I am needed for an assignment for the day. Awesome.
I throw on clothing. Gulp down coffee and curse as I realize it is raining and icy. As I keep myself upright and walking at a fast pace, I notice a guy wearing a manfur (man wearing a fur coat-most hated by me). he has no umbrella. I smirk at him in a hateful way...'have fun smelling like a wet animal all day, dude!' I think to myself.
Once at my assignment- slightly later because the MTA stays sucking on massive cocks- I am greeted by free beverages and various TV screens showing ships n' shit- also a dude who says: if you need anything, give me a ring.
I ask him for a burger and fries, he chuckles and disappears.
Then I read over things. Get myself acquainted with the lay of the land. Once bored I begin my search for hot dudes- there are none. This is when I begin my blog reading which helps. Some assignments just require a warm body and not any use of my brain, combat skills or culinary skills.
I'm not complainging though because I am getting paid. I am smiling a lot so that if I am available and there is need for a warm body- they call on me.
....soon, the ends will justify the means.

Friday, January 14, 2011

The Break-Up

By now we've all heard about the breakup-Taylor 'ratface' Swift and Jake Gyllenfuck. When I found out about them going out, I stood upon a mountain top...there was lightning (making it official) and proclaimed: Damn you Jake Gyllenfuck now I shall never show you the pleasures of my loins!!!!!!
Then I went on to believe the gay rumors about him- I mean why else would he go out with HER????????? You might as well prop a teddybear and spray it down with something from Bath & Body Works and talk to it because that is what I imagine talking/hanging out with her is like.
...anyways, they broke up (big surprise) and besides there being a song in the works, I was surprised with both my ability to sort of forgive Jake...mostly because I hear he broke up with her MAD WRONG and I kinda like that. So, when I heard that he broke up with her over the phone a few days before New Years, I totally sat back and imagined how that conversation went- may have been doing it at work while creepily smiling to myself.

....here's how it went down (in my head):

Jake gets on the Q train seemingly unnoticed. He is visiting his sister who lives in Park Slope. Riding the train with the common folk make him feel adventurous-dangerous, even. Lately, he's been feeling...gummy, gummy like the gummy worms Taylor likes on the top of her ice cream- he tried placing some on 'P.O.P' aka Prince of Pussy...what he calls his penis, but she just giggled and started a pillow fight.
The train is not too crowded, yet Jake stands by the doors...sadly looking at everyone...feeling empty. He notices a young woman, her aura seems honey colored. She is reading and listening to her iPod- she doesn't notice Jake taking in her loveliness because she is giving the guy next to her the side eye (this would happen because I probably wouldn't notice Jake because my luck is ironic and cruel)...he is sitting like his balls are the size of coconuts.
After exiting the train and station, Jake decides to go for a walk around Prospect Park. He knew what he had to do. He takes his cellphone out.

Jake: (hits 'Pookie Bear' button on his phone-Taylor put that in, he frowns)

Taylor:
(her music is playing in the background, she sounds breathless) Jakey-Bear! How's my cinnamon cider bear??

Jake: (still frowning) I'm okay. What are you up to?

Taylor: Working out. It's awards season and I want to look hot on your arm. I'm alllll grown up now, I'm ready to show the world.

Jake: Right...

Taylor: Everything okay? Did you get the care package I sent?!

Jake: Yes. It's...great...

Taylor:
I sprayed the American Girl doll that looks like me with my perfume!

Jake: Ah...I don't play with dolls, Taylor. Listen...this isn't working.

Taylor: I know! I know you don't play with dolls...but it was sweet...what isn't working? I thought it was working fine...(giggles)

Jake: Taylor, we're not working. This was a mistake...I was going through something-you're a great girl-

Taylor: O M Geeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Jake: You're great. It's me, all me. Well...uh...Happy New Year...

Taylor: Happy New Year?!! That is so friggin'- (click)

Jake sighs and shrugs. He thinks about the girl with the honey colored aura, he smiles.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

All Up In His Funky Bunch

Last night I met up with my food club- we are known as the Grub + Tug Supper Club and we are awesome. There's an amazing story as to how we got our name but that is neither here nor there...
So there we are eating and talking shit when I somehow come to an epiphany that I wouldn't mind bangin' Mark Wahlberg AKA Marky Mark- OH, one of our guests (we are 5 members but are allowed one guest to join us, the only criteria is that the person not suck and if they do they are AMAZING at it) mentioned the movie The Fighter. Mark W. is in that along with Christian Bale, I have wanted to see this movie, but instead I go see things like Season of the Witch-which sucked in the worst and BEST way.
I bring up wanting to bone Marky Mark which was kind of a revelation because I mean...really?-but he is pretty hot and I like his demeanor- I have never revealed this (used to be) secret want of mine.
We leave the eating establishment basking in the snowfall when our waiter- who was outside smoking- informs us that Tom Selleck is filming something across the street.
I instantly yell: Magnum PI!!!- Double D (a food club member) mentions how she wants Tom Selleck to be Burt Reynolds for some reason.


...I continued on further proving why I am NOT as cool n' sexy as one would think, I mention how Magnum PI is filming that show Blue Bloods (comes on CBS used to be Friday nights, but now I think it's Tuesdays-really good show!!)and then I go on to say: oh shit! Donnie Wahlberg is on that show- Tom Selleck pass on a message to him, tell him I wanna bone his brother Mark Wahlberg!!!
I do this while thrusting the snow-flurried air.
It was then discussed how I am THIS close to boning Marky Mark for REALS!!! This is because my friends feed into my disillusionment...which is why we are friends!

Sunday, January 9, 2011

Conversations with Ice: New Acquaintances pt trois

We left off around Christmas- Ice T and Coco invited Kanye West and I out to their cabin at Mount Airy Lodge. Kanye and I didn't kill each other, nor did we bone. What we did do was build a relationship built on mutual respect and hate. It works. Ice is pleased. To bring in the New Year, Kanye has invited Ice and I to the Russian Tea Room (New York City). He says we're his closest peeps in 2011 and wants to celebrate all classy like with tea n' lil sandwiches.




Kanye: Thank you guys for coming. I appreciate it. (waves a hand over various tea pots) There's quite a selection-only the finest.

Ice T: I see. Do I have to put my pinky finger up?

Kanye: Nah, do you. (looks over at me) You seem quiet...

Me: So you know this isn't Russia, right?

Kanye: Duh.

Me: So you know you can take the mink off- or whatever animal that is. The whole animal...

Ice T: T, pimps are always ice cold. (he and Kanye tap teacups)

Me: (sighs) Well, thank you for inviting me Kanye.

Kanye: See, it's not painful to be a polite lady.

Ice T: Uh...don't push it man. So you were djing a party on New Years Eve? Where was my invite?

Me: Ice, you have to be an STD-ridden whore or a suspect dude to be invited. I wasn't invited either- we should feel good about this.

Kanye: Actually it was an exclusive event-

Me: So only the 'who's who'...

Kanye: Basically.

Me: Like your beard- girlfriend...who is it this week, Kim Kardashian?

Ice T: So you're saying that Coco, Sweet T and I aren't who's n' who?

Kanye: I'm just saying it was an exclusive event. I'm feeling tension, yo. We're sippin' tea, let's keep it calm.

Me: Here you call Ice and I friends, yet we aren't exclusive enough to hang with you-tsk, tsk Kan-ye.

Ice T: Haveta say, I feel a certain way about this. Thought we was cool- I mean tea is cool, but we all in the dark behind closed doors. I feel like a sidepiece, Kanye.

Me: We're just not cool enough. You don't dress like a bitch, Ice...and I don't suck dudes off in bathrooms-

Kanye: Yet-...Y'all are blowing this way out of proportion. Let's move on.

Ice T: Yeah, let's. T, let's go to Starbucks and then go watch Black Swan. Keep it real classy. (stands and leaves)

Me: Hells. Yeah. Kanye, never a pleasure... (leave)

Kanye: This isn't over. Y'all ain't done with me.

Friday, January 7, 2011

For If She Wasn't Born....

...then the sassy beauty that is I wouldn't exist. I'm talking about my momma folks. Today is her birthday!! Woot woot!
The best compliment my mom has ever given me was this: if you ever decided to have a sex change the doctors would tell you to forget about it because you are too much of a woman!

Aww moms.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Snakes, Wizardry and the Revolution

As you know from my previous dream entries...my dreams can be INSANE but give amazing insight as to how my mind works. When I woke up from this dream-at first I was like: what.that.fuck????
Then upon further pondering I understand that though random my dream makes sense (sometimes)!

Okay, the dream took place at this English countryside looking place. I am dressed in a jazzy cloak because I am dressed as a wizard. The house I am in is Tudor-styled and filled with people, outside of the house a fair seems to be going on. I am throwing this fair and people are supposed to dress up but most don't. This has pissed me off. By my side is this 'Alfred-type' (aka Bruce Wayne/Batman's manservant)...not sure if it was Michael Caine. He is calming me down and telling me how I have dinner later with my boyfriend- Jim/John Belushi! Dunno if it's the dead one or the one that had that awful sitcom with blond anorexic chick from Melrose Place...


Anyways, my friends B and Jesse show up, both dressed up because they love me. B is dressed as Hell Boy (aka Ron Perlman aka The Beast from the CBS show that was a fave: Beauty and the Beast. Linda Hamilton was The Beauty-pre Terminator man-bod). Jesse dressed up as the surgeon dude from Prince's Revolution (the Purple Rain album, etc.). They were hanging out with someone who had a snake. A snake that was trying to bite people, knowing how much I hate snakes and all, they took their friend out to the fair and said they would meet me later.


After a long while of Michael Caine-maybe droning on and on about my responsibilities, I spot B and Jesse walking around the fair seeming to have a great time, so I go join them. The snake person left them. These two Italian guys (I know this because they were speaking Italian) were all over them. Which was fine for B who is single, but not for Jesse who is married to JK whom we all love...and who we know will KILL A BITCH.
Jesse is nicely trying to get away from the Italian guy on her and I am telling him he needs to beat it, I even tell Jesse to show him her ring-which she does. He says he doesn't care and JK wasn't there. Just as he says that, JK appears. I tell the feisty Italian dude to BACK OFF because JK will kill him. JK is oblivious but then see's Jesse's face and heads towards her, he notices the Italian and proceeds to throw the dude through a small door opening that suddenly appeared.

Action packed and seemingly random, but I think I understand it. My brain needs to process things...and also/mostly, my mind is a mystery to me.
So the thing with the snake stems from me reading this story yesterday about how this dude assaulted this woman with a snake. No, not his TROUSER snake. A snake. he put it inside her and it bit her. INSIDE HER...meaning probably her cervix OR a vag wall!!!!! This freaked me out, I couldn't even finish the article.
As for the Hell Boy/Ron Perlman thing- that stems from them commercials for that Season of the Witch movie. Hate Nic Cage, love Ron Perlman. I don't know what it is...maybe because he played the Beast...or that one time I followed him around Soho (New York)-well he and his wife. I followed them because I have an uncanny love for him...not sexual, but a daddy-kind. His wife is Black too...and has slanted eyes and KILLER cheekbones, so it was a possibility. Once I felt crazy enough, I stopped following he and his wife...and my heart felt warm because he seemed cool. I think B was dressed up as Hell Boy aka Ron Perlman because we are going to see Season of the Witch- because we know we'll hate it BUT we HAVE to see it. That's how we do.
As for the English countryside, Michael Caine-maybe, me dressed as wizard, the fair, me dating a Belushi brother, the Italian dudes- I have no idea about that. Now, Jesse dressed as the surgeon from Prince's Revolution is a given because we both ADORE Prince and I recently had on a mask and did the Revolution dance a few days ago- long story.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

As The Online (Dating) World Turns

It is 2011 and I still haven't deleted my online account- I still say YET. Yet, because we all know how I am not into the online thing. Mostly because I feel I can meet most of these crazy cretins on the train or while waiting for a sandwich.
It hasn't all been all about crazies and my skin being peeled off and made into a caftan.
...but then I get a message from a seemingly normal guy.
He starts out saying how beautiful I am.
Great, he has eyes and taste.
Then he asks how I am doing.
Great again, a lil conversation.
He happens to be White (Jewish), and this matters because he then asks if it is okay to want be the(insert some food that has to do with him being White...like whipped cream)in my (insert some food that has to do with me being Black like hot cocoa for instance). I let him know that if this continues it will be creepy- once I assess that he WAS NOT joking.
He apologizes and says that he just finds me attractive....and then drops the bombshell. The thing that made me just drop the convo, block him and almost delete my account- but 2011 is about not letting the bullshit hold ya back.
...so, he says: I just want to get to know you and perhaps we can make sweet sweet love because I am about to turn 30 and I don't want to be a virgin at 30.

Yeah.

So, I still have an account for now. I'm staying strong....but we all know I have my limits.

How To Make A Sex Tape....Continuation

Logical Sex:How To Get Famous
by Honey T


When we left off Janet was asking Christopher what he wanted to discuss because discussing things are always the main highlights of sex tapes!


C: Are you sure you wanna do this in profile? This is about show casing your assets-

J: You want me to talk to the camera and not you?

C: I want you to be naturally unnatural. If you don't look good then I don't look good. (he almost jumps out of his towel when he see's Janet has taken off her robe, she has on boy shorts and a bra)

J: What, never been this close to a woman?

C: No warm up, no 'hey I'm gonna take off my robe now'...

J: Well I thought to myself 'What Would Prince Do?' and Prince would just take it all off...and get on the...horse, so to say.

C: Prince would also wear something purple and a little more lacey-shit, now I'm thinking about Prince. This is not going to help 'Nino Brown'...

J: (stares at Christopher a while, with disbelief) You named your dick 'Nino Brown'? Why?

C: Nino took no prisoners-

J: And your...-it does the same...(throws herself facedown on the bed, muffled) Are you even brown? Black...whatever?

C: Part. Listen, you're getting caught up in the details. In the end, we're just two attractive people trying to live the dream...and have a lil fun along the way.

J: (sits up)That was from a side- the first time we met at an audition. We ran lines together...and I hated you for some reason.

C: Good memory. Do you still hate me?

J: Yes, but I think that'll make for good sex. Good sex means good sex tape and good sex tape means ballers for me and maybe a soap opera for you....

C: Soap opera, maybe. A rap career is a definite....

J: You are more of a joke than I am.

C: I am actually joking- fuck being a rapper! You're pretty serious about marrying rich and staying pretty...never reaching your full potential. (he lays beside Janet on the bed, she is turned towards him)

J: How do you know I have potential? What if I'm just another pretty face with a body built for sin?

C: That may be true-maybe you're right. You're just another gold digging, no talent...now I don't want to call you a whore because the verdict hasn't come in on that yet.

J: (stares at Christopher a long while, he smirks and plays with her hair)Bullshit. One thing you cannot do is bullshit and bullshitter. Chris, what is the real reason you wanted to do this?

C: What the- real reason? Janet, you sat in that bar with me and you agreed that we would make a pretty phenomenal sex tape that would put us on the fast track to fame...

J: It was your idea and I was drinking Patron! Do you not understand the effects of Patron?

C: One week. One whole week to back out or say no-yet here you are in the ...boudoir showing all of Victoria's secrets....

J: And here you are in your towel quoting a side from the first time we met...(sits up and starts putting the robe back on)

C: Maybe I'm just unoriginal.

J: Or maybe you're just madly in love with me and this is your idea of a perfect first date (is now fully off the bed, disappears behind the silk screen)

C: (hasn't moved and is watching the screen) Make that an imaginative, gold digging, not talent possible whore.

J: (from behind the screen) Whatever Christopher! You just find someone else to make your tape with, someone you're NOT in love with. I'm going to find Shia!

C: Good ole LaDouche. Tell me something...

J: (has come from behind the screen fully clothed in a t-shirt and jeans) What?

C: What has freaked you out more-the fact that I'm in love with you or that you're in love with me? (he is now standing in front of Janet)

J: Didn't 'Nino Brown' die at the end of that movie?

C: Wow, you've got ....'Nino Brown' on the brain.

J: (grabs Christopher and kisses him, this goes on for a while) That doesn't change anything. I still hate you...now turn the camera off.


The End.

Monday, January 3, 2011

How To Make A Sex Tape....

Logical Sex: How To Get Famous
by Honey T

Inspiration can come from various places...people...and things.
This came about from a conversation about making a sex tape that wouldn't involve a lot of sex-because that is the type of sex tape I would make. Suddenly I found myself writing a scene about two people- struggling actors who are making a sex tape to further their careers. Only thing is...something else happens. Goals change, and sometimes penetration of the heart is wayyyyyy better than just some deep penetration of the loins.
There will be 2 parts. This is the first and look for the second part tomorrow. Let me know what you think...


Setting: Urban/City dwelling. A loft space that is softly lit. The world outside seems cold, but inside the loft seems warm. Very warm. There are candles lit and recess lighting. There is a large bed with large pillows. The large bed is covered in white sheets-no blankets. The pillows are white too. Soft music is playing, it is a jazzified version of 'The Whisper Song' by The Ying Yang Twins.

Characters:
Christopher- 20's, actor, 'prison build', perceived as a jerk but really isn't.
Janet- 20's, actor/model, 'video chick stature', plays the shallow role because it's easier than being disappointed.

Christopher and Janet have known each other over a year, they mostly see each other at auditions, until after one commercial shoot, they went for drinks and came up with a way to jump start their careers. They decided to make a sex tape. Christopher's cousin owns an apartment and happens to be away for the weekend, so they're using the space for filming.

Christopher walks towards the inviting bed with a towel (only) wrapped around his waist. He is humming a little ditty and paces around the bed throwing a can of whipped cream from hand to hand. He doesn't notice Janet peeking from behind a large screen that is placed a few paces from the bed. The screen is Japanese-styled and has a painting of a sunset on it.

C: Janet! Come out, this sex tape isn't going to make itself- (as if remembering, he runs off and comes back to the bed with a tripod, and sets up the video camera)

J: (whispers) Doing this for the diamonds, condos and shoes. Loads of shoes. (louder) I'll be out...don't think you can handle it though...

C: Just come out....(after setting up camera he begins doing crunches)

J: (comes from behind screen, a little wobbly from the 4inch heels she's wearing. she is wearing a silk thigh length robe, her hair is up in chopsticks, she watches Christopher do his crunches)...I don't think I can do this-

C: (looks up at her and begins laughing hysterically) What the fuck are you wearing?

J: Um, I'm playing up my exotic thing-

C: Why not just come out in a loin cloth with titties just-a-swinging in the breeze?

J: Fuck you.

C: That's the point. (he stands and holds out a hand to Janet) Come, let's relax on the...boudoir-

J: We're in the boudoir, this would be the bed. My God you must be hung...

C: Patience. I'll turn on the camera and we'll just chat....then after thinking about Jessica Alba long enough I'll be able to rock your world.

J: Saying things like 'I'll rock your world' makes me not only dry, but this close to putting my clothes and going to Starbucks. Get discovered the old fashioned way...

C: Yeah because Speilberg is always hanging out at that Starbucks waiting to cast an unknown-

J: Shia LaBouef goes to my Starbucks and that's his cousin or something so boo-ya!!

C: Who cares about Shia LaDouche-

J: Besides, we're making a sex tape! I'm just hoping to get on a reality show. Then maybe some athlete will see me and make me the mother of his children...and then I can do more reality TV and be set for life.

C: Come on, you're way smarter than that. Gotta think big. Our tape will be different...

J: There's a camera, right?

C: Yep.

J: And we're having sex, right?

C: Yep-but

J: Are you going to do some Fellini type editing?

C: Maybe. (goes to turn on the camera, then walks back to the bed. he pats the space next to him. Janet walks slowly over to him, she sits beside him. Christopher takes the chopsticks out of her hair, her hair falls down her back. Janet kicks off her heels and turns towards Christopher folding her legs beneath her)

J: So...what did you want to talk about?

Sunday, January 2, 2011

If There Are No Pictures....

...did it really happen??
I've been asking myself that question a lot lately since my camera is broken. Since my phone is an 'antique' and I have the iTouch WITHOUT the camera (the one with a camera came out a few months after, another reason why Steve Jobs can eat a vat of dicks)I have no way to capture the special moments...except with my words. So no more documenting the times when I decide to rock red lips and a lil black dress...now everyone think I am really trying to bring the street urchin look into 2011.
You see I ended my year giving half of a fuck which meant hats and hair just everywhere. I looked like a sexy Oliver Twist reject. So many pictures with this look that will not be outdone by my giving more a fuck in 2011! Yay...ugh...



Will the amazing moments that occur in my life be lost forever? Like running into the guy who walks around Manhattan with a cat on his head (there is a man in London who walks around with a small dog on his head and I was so amazed that I missed taking a picture!!!). I see things like this all the time...and now I'll have no proof so people will just think I am some writer with an overactive imagination. Ugh and *sigh*.