Sunday, September 23, 2012

Good Things I Have Put In My Mouth Lately: Bacon Jam and Smokey Cheese

I love to think I have tasted most of the deliscious things the world has to offer, but then I put something in my mouth and realize: bah! there is so much more to taste!!
This is how I felt when  I bit into the 'bash burger' at Burger &Barrel (New York, NY).

The menu said something about cheese, pickles and bacon jam.  'Bacon jam' made the greedy bitch within perk up, but I had nothing to compare it to.  I mean, it could go either way...but there was bacon involved so it couldn't be all that bad.
Let me tell you something, when I bit into that burger I saw kittens dancing in tutu's to the new Nas album.  It was so good I moaned and shimmied and did not stop to talk until I finished that first burger half.  I didn't even touch the french fries!!
Something with that bacon jam that mixes with the melted cheese and the crisp cool slices of pickle that made my toes curl!
If I ever murder someone and get the death penalty, I am considering this burger as part of my last meal.

I have mentioned before that I am in a grub club.  We are eating our way around the city one ethnicity at a time.  It has been a learning experience.  Sometimes a truly delicious experience- like when you stumble upon a Serbian spot called Kafana (New York, NY).  A club member suggests ordering  smokey meats and cheeses on a panini.  You are down with this simple because you heard: meats and cheeses.

This comes:
I side eye it and then try it.  Again, I moaned and decided that ANYTHING involving smoking anything with meats n' cheeses will be the most delicious thing EVER!  I would eat this for breakfast/lunch/dinner everyday and be a glorious 4,000lbs!!!

FOOD!


Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Holding It Down

One day while going on a spontaneous walk with Margo, we had a conversation about what we would do if we had a ton of money.
I said I would take care of my debt, hook up my family and then buy some amazing property around Brooklyn and possibly lower Manhattan.  I would let my friends live in their own spaces (in my properties) and just pay utilities so that they can save and buy homes wherever.
Then I'll have living spaces for CUNY and SUNY students (only) who meet a certain criteria (they don't have to be hot dudes...mostly) to live in.  As a product of SUNY, I gotta support my peeps.  Plus we never get props like them ivy league bitches.

Since I am about thinking ahead, I have begun my recruitment process by hanging around Kingsborough Community College.  Some would call it 'scheming on dudes', but I would say I am checking out possible scholarship candidates.  For some reason I have been thinking about taking classes, mostly because people think I am student and dudes that go to the college have been inquiring about my course schedule and study dates.
True story.


Semi mid-life crisis party of one!

Conversations with Ice: Disposa-ho!



Ice T (my friend in my head) kinda cornered me into having brunch with him.  It has been a while since we've hung out due to busy schedules.  He threatened to send Kanye after me, so I conceded to a Saturday brunch at Bubby's in DUMBO.  Ice enjoys the views and I enjoy the biscuits.

Ice T:
So....

Me:
So... (I put some jam on my biscuit)

Ice T:
T, what the eff is going on with you?

Me:
A lot.

Ice T:
You gonna gimme one word answers or are we going to have a conversation?

Me:
Oh! I finally saw 'Art of Rap', it was very well done, son.

Ice T:
Flattery will not get you out of me calling you out for being flakey- but thanks.

Me:
Simmer down.  Have you tried the biscuits?

Ice T:
(stares at me a while, then slowly eats a biscuit)
These things are legit. Now quit fuckin' around...

Me:
Hi hater.  (Ice grills me) Okay, okay!  So I left my job...

Ice T: 
Oh snap!  That deserves a toast...(we clink our mason jar glasses)

Me:
Yeah, felt disposable...so I disposed of myself.  Like Sonny says: nobody cares.

Ice T:
Nice Bronx Tale reference- wait, you were a disposa-ho!  (we hi-5)

Me:
Much like the women in your life prior to Coco...and your first wife...

Ice T:
Way to ruin a moment with life facts.

Me:
It's how I do.  Did you go to Obama's fundraising dinner at 40/40?

 Ice T:
Nope, did you?

Me:
Wow, how boring we've become.  Kanye done made a ho a housewife, and we are now brunch buddies- we've gone soft, Ice.

Ice T:
Maybe we're just content.  It's okay to be content.  Don't always have to be hungry.

Me:
What about angry? Can I be a lil angry- and I am not all content, there are still things I need to accomplish...

Ice T:
There are only so many bowls of dicks peeps can eat at a time, so it'll take time to accomplish your worldwide goal of peeps eating a bowl of dicks-

Me:
That's why there are vats and buckets.

Ice T:
For the few, like myself, that you don't want to dine on dicks- be content.  Enjoy the quiet moments of life.  you've got great people in your life, and you know what...

Me:
Ice, imma need more biscuits for all these sweet, sweet shit you're spittin'.

Ice T:
I was just about to say you're pretty fantastic, but I'll say you're fantastic when you shut the fuck up and let people drop knowledge bombs on that ass!

Me: 
Preach!

Monday, September 17, 2012

As The (Online) Dating World Turns: So, I was in a relationship...

Yep.  There I was, unbeknownst to myself or anybody else, in a relationship!  Full of romance, crazy and slightly insane.  Also, short lived.

It all began about a month ago when I was exchanging emails with this guy.  He seemed to have great taste- he thought I was fantastic.  I found his ability to write complete sentences appealing. He asks for my digits so we can go out, which is made even more exciting by the fact that we live in the same area.
He has my number and the texting begins.  Now, I am trying to live in 'modern' (aka asshole) times and concede that someone texting to ask you out is 'okay'.
I still prefer calling.

Dude continues texting me.  He comes up with plans with no set time- so I am expected to wait until he is available.
I don't have time for that shit.  Call it whatever you want, but if you ask someone out and make a plan, follow-through.  It's real simple.
I also don't wait around well...I mean for friends n' fam, but dudes I don't know or care about, not so much.

I stop responding to the dudes text- he was all like: we'll hang out soon, blah blah.  I lost interest so I continued with my lack of response.
Then finally because I am (trying to be) a better person, I text dude something along the lines of: hey, we haven't met up and it's not going to happen. time to move on, good luck with your journey.
It was real nice-and I am not being sarcastic.  Just wanted the guy to stop texting me.

He doesn't stop texting.  He says I am being a 'typical Gemini' all impatient.  He still wants to meet me and says he didn't try to meet to soon because he was afraid that would scare me off.  I let him know that when you don't know someone and want to get to know them that entails spending time with them.  Why else would we exchange numbers.
He agrees and says let's meet that day.
I let him know I have plans for the rest of my life and it is all good.  All good may be my nice way of saying 'fuck off'. Who knows?  (hahhahaha)
He says I should stop being upset and just go out with him.
I let him know that I do not care enough to be upset, and that he should move on.
He continues to text me.  I stop responding.

It starts out with a daily asking me out- he's back to making plans.  I don't respond.
He then goes to every other day, just checking up on me.  I don't respond.
He then waits a week and texts something about how I am spoiled lil Gemini (aww someone into astrology as much as I am) who didn't get my way and NOW I don't get to meet him anymore and my life will suck.
I don't know if he has met me in 2012, but been there and done that buddy.  Me and suck are old friends from way back.
I still don't respond.

Then I stop hearing from him and I think I am HOME FREE!  While I am out drinking margaritas one night he texts the simple sentence: i hate u
Wow.
My friend Ru let's me know this dude had a WHOLE relationship with me- that I didn't know about- and now it is OVER.  That shit blew my mind!  Here I thought dude was just crazy.  I mean he is crazy, but he also caught some feelings without even meeting me!
This proves how awesome I am.  More importantly, I finally think it's over between us.  Ru says that hate is always the final step so I should be good.
I think I'll mourn this relationship with some ass shaking tonight.

Needless to say I have signed off the online dating site.  Back to meeting crazy dudes on the train.

Friday, September 14, 2012

Weird Dreams: Weekend House Party



Please note: I did not eat anything weird, nor did I drink anything weird.  I watched an episode of Felicity (season 1) before drifting off to sleep so I don't know how THIS happened.

The dream...

I am in a very large, nicely furnished house.  It is in England.  Not sure where in England, but I am in England.  There are people everywhere.  People I know in my awake life and people I don't know at all.  There is music and food, and it is daylight.  Like Instagram on 'valeria' setting daylight.
After making out with LL Cool J -so effing random!!-I make my way through the party some more and see Kanye West sitting in an easy chair watching the tele.  He looks pissed.  As I go to see what is on the tele, I stub my toe on a low coffee table.  My middle toe.  There is blood.
Kanye looks unamused and leaves the room.
The rest of the party I am trying to stop my bleeding toe.  Various people are helping me. All have accents- and did I mention there were children at this party??  One little girl goes to give me a bandaid and tells me that Kanye is going around saying that my toe isn't hurt that badly.  He is also saying he was offended by my toe!
I get pissed.  I go storming (limping) through the party looking for Kanye to set him straight.  I find him sitting in the backyard, holding court about my toe.  I go up to him and say: Kan-ye, you can suck my toes dick and let its balls teabag your tonsils!
He then sings to me in his autotune voice (because he had a microphone): Suck my diiiiiiiiiiiccccckkkkkk

I just walk back in the house....

The End.


WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN???????!!!

Sunday, September 9, 2012

A Special Treat: 2012 MTV VMA's Sorta Rundown

This is a special treat because I said I would NEVER do a rundown of another MTV awards show...then I found myself watching the 2012 VMA's.  The WHOLE show.  I blame the weather, being hungover and me somehow leaving the remote control out of my reach.
I will rundown what I can remember of the show. No notes were taken.  This is straight off the dome (urban speak for off the top of my head):


 -Rihanna opened the show with some type of Indiana Jones Temple of Skank realness.  I didn't know the song or what was going on.  There was some type of Egyptian theme-we get it Riri 'snakes represent penises and you loves yourself some penises'. 
A lot of dancing.  Balloons.  Meh vocals.  Typical Riri performance.
Now her haircut/wig was the worst!  Why didn't her people tell her she looks just like that tranny from Love & Hop Atlanta Joseline??!!!

Someone should be FIRED!

-So Kevin Hart hosted and I like his stand-up, and what he does in films, but his' took three 8 balls of coke hosting energy' grates on my nerves.  I did like that little people walked him in though.

-Hmmm, did P!nk perform at this point?  Maybe.  All I know is, I need whatever workout she does for her AMAZING legs.  I enjoyed her performance and really always just enjoy P!nk!

-Were Katy Perry and Rihanna dates?  Whatever.  Chris Brown won for Best Male Performance and he was all like: ha ha, fuck you bitches with my dye job.  Drake is just so lame.  Like he rolls to the awards wearing G-Star and speaking for all the biracial nerds out there.  Whatever Drake, you can eat a lunchbox full of dicks!

-Speaking of Drake, one of his lovers Lil Wayne- who also annoys the fuck out of me, was there looking like the dude in your highschool (if you went to public school) who can't seem to graduate-but has to leave once he turns 21.  He still tries to dress all cool and acts all disinterested, but you know he cares that everybody thinks he's a fuckin' fool.  No amount of performing with 2Chainz will make you any less of a dickwad Lil Wayne.

-I was REALLY looking forward to the Frank Ocean performance.  This may have been the only reason why I wanted to check out the VMA's to begin with. 
The performance was totally worth all the times the camera fell on Nicki MiTwat's face and Taylor Swift's 'OMG I can't believe I am here and there are no gummi bear dicks in my mouth' face.
Frank performed my favorite song - Thinkin' About You.  It was moody and just a great performance...


 

I didn't get the Karate Kid thing, but I liked the stage setup with the bonfire.  Then I couldn't reach the remote so I couldn't turn after his performance.

-GreenDay was cool.  They previewed the latest Twilight movie- YESSSS! 

-Alicia Key's performed.  Listen, loved the haircut-I mean she looked GREAT.  The song and performance I've seen a million times before from Alicia.  I shut my eyes for a little bit...

-Then I hear something about Taylor Swift coming up.  I took a deep breath and conjured up the spirit of my ancestors.  Slowly, I stood and walked about five steps to get the remote and turned to Chopped.  Whew!

All in all, the awards were as blah as my rundown...but I am SO GLAD I got to see Frank Ocean...and I am hoping Rihanna's penis dance works some kind of magic for my winter boo situation.