Monday, August 30, 2010

Wade In My Misery


…just for a little while.
I cannot talk about work today because if I do I am afraid I will gross out my two readers (me and Ice T) to the point of no return! Instead, I will discuss my amazing Friday biking experience and how online dating has worked for me so far.
…because I am a stickler for not leaving people hanging I will just say this…when I came in this morning the one other woman I work with says…to me…and I only had two sips of my coffee…that…she had her period and realized she also had a yeast infection so she took medication which caused her lady parts to swell.
*cough gag cough*
Listen, I am a grown ass woman but I am a VISUAL woman, so visualizing someone’s swollen lady parts is not how I like to start off my Monday morning.
This is why I cannot write about my work day- because really what can you say after that????? She thankfully stopped talking when she saw my lil almondy eyes stretched as wide as they could possibly go.

So, this past Friday I decided to go biking with my friend Mel aka Iron Woman- because she has done the Iron Man triathlon twice and is just all around more athletic than I- pretty much a toddler is more athletic than I am. This biking excursion was significant because I haven’t been on a bike in about 15 years! I kinda count the stationary bikes at the gym…but not really. It is so true what they say, once you learn how to ride you never forget. I was so gungho that I rode across the Brooklyn Bridge twice and all through Brooklyn Heights and DUMBO. It was such a freeing and relaxing experience- plus the part that I am not dead, I didn’t hit anyone or anything AND I didn’t fall. Woo hoo for me! Thought about rewarding myself at a Happy Hour but once I came down from my ‘ridin’ dirty high’ I realized that EVERYTHING was sore or hurt. From my shoulders to my lady parts to my quads. This is all good I hear, but not so good when I was walking and sitting like I got a train run on me by the cast of Oz. I did a few Yoga (I know!) stretches I remembered and that helped with the shoulders and lower back pain . By mid Saturday after walking around for a bit and then laying out in a park- I felt much better.
Mel aka Iron Woman says our next biking excursion will be along the West Side highway and I cannot wait!!- will stretch a lot beforehand though. (The drawing above shows Mel and I with our bikes and a sign saying: No ER because I didn’t wanna end up with a broken anything…or dead though I am the same asshole who didn’t wanna wear a helmet because my fedora looked better)

As for the online dating thing, it is much like my non online dating life in that I am left pondering: Why?
Why do I bother? Why are dudes either into 20 year olds, Latina’s, White chicks, glam bitches, but not a somewhat mature woman from Brooklyn who embraces her inner child and tends to lean more towards violence than hugs?
Much like the non online dating life it is the luck of the draw, online is just better at shooting people down. It is also easier with breaking the ice. I think I am still a lil too apprehensive for it, but I’m trying. No one has blown my mind and much like the non online dating I am like: meh.
The only thing resembling a prospect-which really isn’t anything at all- is my fuckery with B and her brother who just moved to the city for college. I am not that tricky friend who bones bro’s-UNLESS your bro is: Idris Elba, that light eyed mixed dude on Greys Anatomy, Jake Gyllenfuck (yeah Maggie, don’t leave your bro around me), The Rock, Adrien Brody (don’t ask) or Justin Timberlake (even though my love is not AS strong for him, I would bone the shit out of that dude!). So today I email B and ask if she could feel when her bro is inside of me…
Have to say it’s some of my finest work…though it comes from a dark place because of what went down this morning at work. *le sigh*

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

The Place Where I Work:Elegant Fumbling

I am used to fumbling in life when I am not my usual graceful self. Sometimes I am cool n’ aloof and most of the time blabby n’ sensitive. Then there are the moments I think I am smooth and checking out a dude…like this guard that works in my building. What drew me to him is his juxtaposition of having nerdy glasses, hot hair and having a prison build- a very muscular build. He has a nice smile and reminds me of Clark Kent- which may be why I want to bone him. Have always had a thing for the whole Clark Kent/Superman thing. I mean I always thought it was dumb that no one could see they were the SAME person yet I think when I put my glasses on people don’t know it’s still me either. This is real talk. I really think I look THAT much different. Sadly I don’t.

Anyways, I see this hot guard who I call…Clark Kent when I come in this AM. He was not in his uniform. CK had on my favorite-a t shirt and jeans (my favorite other than a well tailored suit). CK’s arms are like the size of my large-yet very womanly-thighs. He doesn’t look like a juicehead though and he is like 6’3 so it works for him. He smiles and says good morning…and I spill my coffee on my AWESOME 40’s styled dress while trying to look cool and say good morning back.
Damn those arms and that smile!

In other news, Mr. Burns is going through some type of settlement proceedings with his ex-wife. She seems to hate him and I think the feeling is mutual. Who am I fooling? I KNOW it is. She’s all like: I wish cock burn upon thee and he’s all like: eff you hag!
I haven’t heard them actually say those things to each other, but you know it’s been said-I mean he has a younger girlfriend who JUST had a baby. He and the ex had no children and look to be about the same age. She also seems plain bitchy. I’m also gonna throw in that he was probably bonin’ his now girlfriend while married to the bitchy ex. Dra-ma! So much drama that he has his lawyer reppin’ him because he doesn’t want to be in the same room as her!
You know what they are having a dispute over? House in the Hamptons AND a dog. Rich people problems.

Also, E, a mutual friend of B and I- the enigma who falls on his face drunk yet loves Jeopardy trivia- let me know he wants to celebrate his birthday in the city. He lives in PA. B has decided we will take him to Hawaiian Tropic for dinner and she will make him a t shirt that reads: Short on cock n' long in the tooth.
If he plays his cards right, one of us will be wearing that shirt the following morning.

Monday, August 23, 2010

The Koala is Obsessed with Me.

Someone asked me recently WHY I hated Usher and I couldn’t pinpoint the exact reason. I couldn’t even tell you when it all started, but the one thing I do know is I have a strong dislike for that Hatian Koala. Peeps who know me, know that few things are very certain with me: I am hungry, I am always down for an open bar, I cannot lie, and I hate Usher.
I own some of his music, can sing along to some of his songs, but if I saw that dude anywhere in da club…I’d leave. He fills me with such disdain. I think one of the sorta reasons is that he is gay yet continues this charade of liking women. I have a thing against people who refuse to just be themselves. Don’t trust them fuckers.
Perhaps I’ve been too vehement about my dislike for Mr. Raymond because suddenly he is all up in my George Foreman! First, he gets with a chick with a similar name as me…if not THE EXACT same name- but I am being incognito remember…
Then Friday after a the wonderful theatrical experience that was The Expendables, I went to eat at The Stand- which is this delectable burger joint. I was hesitant about getting alcohol…and then decided on a rootbeer float. The waiter must’ve sensed the 550 lb chick that lives within that has exquisite taste, and so he gave me a sideways glance and said: the gelato shakes are good. They did look delish! Easily swayed, I ordered a Reeses Peanut Buttercup one. The waiter gave me a glowing smile. I am soooo glad I listened to him. That drink was what I imagine having sex with a hot delicious man would be like in my mouth- woah- what I meant by that was that mini gelato shake made my lady parts tingle. Upon seeing my ‘o’ face the waiter then informs me that 2 hours prior to my x-rated enjoyment…USHER sat in almost the same spot I did and drank the SAME shake. Ugh. I was pissed and told the waiter to take the drink away-then I almost cut his pinky off with a butter knife when he half assedly attempted to do so.
People don’t understand how upset I really was by this. I am so sick of that Koala intruding on my life with his O.M.G and drinking shakes I enjoy. He needs to stay in his lane. He also needs to COME OUT!

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Conversations with Ice T: The Picnic


Ice T and I wanted to enjoy these last few moments of summer with a picnic in the park. So he packed a basket and I brought my UNO cards-along with a chilled rose`. We spread out a black blanket that has an airbrushed pic of Ice nude on it. I am not put off by this, I am more put off by his cucumber sandwiches with a lime yogurt spread on them. He also packed crudites with hummus.
Ice notices my grumpiness.

Ice T: Sweet T, what crawled up your ass, died and is now haunting it?

Me: What’s with these bitch ass sandwiches-

Ice T: This is a picnic! Picnics are classy! (he opens the rose`) You are lucky you brought this so I can calm my nerves…

Me: Ice, it’s not that I don’t appreciate your efforts…but come on!

Ice T: Ain’t nothing wrong with finger food. Everything can’t be fried chicken and risotto…

Me: mmmm risotto….

Ice T: Did you even try a sandwich? (he hands one to me, I begrudgingly take it and bite)

Me: (surprised) This is delicious, Ice! I’m so sorry!!

Ice T: Always runnin’ that mouth instead of just keepin’ it shut or putting something useful in it. (chuckles at his own perversion)

Me: Nice one. To be fair, I don’t think the sandwich was the only thing I was angry about.

Ice T: Figured. You’ve been better about not bullshittin’ with your feelings though…

Me: I know, but I am still not good with people. You think their cool, but mostly they suck-

Ice T: …and not always in a good way.

Me: Double true, Ice. Enough about me, congratulations are in order for you! Getting them bunk ass charges dropped.

Ice T: Yeah, they were on some bullshit. Lucky I don’t go in the studio and kill ‘em with verses or do some viral video-

Me: You could have Coco tweet a pic of her wiping her ass with the tickets…

Ice T: See, this is why I don’t mind when you offend my finger foods- I love the way that mind works! (we toast with our rose` and proceed with a game of UNO)

The End.

Friday, August 13, 2010

The Place Where I Work: Realizations

I became aware of some harsh realities while at work today.

1)Me With A Baby Arm is a pretty much a bitch. Maybe just bitchy most of the time, but from my assessment of her (been doing those a lot lately) I see she is just not cool. I think she was testing me before by being nice to me and then when I said hello (another time) to her she looked at me like I had 3 heads AND rolled her eyes. I didn’t know what changed between our chatting and giggles and the weekend passing AND THEN BOOM I get straight ‘tude. All I know is if it were a younger me or if we were in the streets I MAY HAVE backhanded her, but then again I probably wouldn’t cuz she is disabled. Even before our chatty good times I knew she had the bitch potential, but I have learned in my ‘golden years’ to let people live and try to see things from their perspective. Perhaps she is used to a certain kind of scrutiny and built a bitchy shell- I know ALL about building up shells/walls to protect from the jackasses…BUT I am not an out-n’out bitch so I am not buying that excuse either. I’m too incognito for her to know about my blog- these people don’t even know I can’t put sentences together- and even if she did, have I said anything that isn’t true? Do we NOT have a similar look, are the same height, hair color n’ length and she has a baby arm?? Only thing is, she is thinner than I…but who would be offended by my curves…well haters would most certainly. In the end, she better stay in her lane or risk a shin kick.


2)There is this dude I see when I go to the café`. He is tall, fancies a side part with TONS of pomade and loafers with jeans-this dude is NOT my type and I would think he would prefer a more petite brunette who fancies Thory Birch and weekend Hampton getaways. Everyday like clock work- OH, yes I have made up with my OG café`, they were heartbroken that day I left them and have treated me like gold ever since. Awww- I see him when I get my lunch and he smiles and tries to flirt with me for a few. I say try because there’s no flirting when babygirl (me) is HONGRY! And I meant HONgry. I realize that this dude is infatuated and may wanna scale my honey drenched castles. Hmm…

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Sweet Dreams Are Made of This…


Normally my dreams are pretty epic. They have a movie like quality- less 3D and more Tarrantino. They are in color and I usually wake up exclaiming: What.The.Fuck??
On Monday I was battling a cold and left work early so I could drug myself and pass out for many hours. Since sleeping is one of my top hobbies (after video dancing, thinking up recipes and facebook creepin’), I was happy to oblige my old, tired bod. Of course my drug induced dreams are a tad crazier than my non drug induced dreams. The similarities are that they are about food and involve people I know…in extremely weird situations.
In my drug induced dreams, everything gets taken to the next level. Like my dream about mozzarella sticks turned into an epic quest involving swords and me fighting wooden gnomes that appeared in the TGIFriday styled place I decided to eat these mozzarella sticks at-well tried to till the gnomes came and tried to eff it up.
THEN as if answering a text from my dreams, I hear that Denny’s is introducing a new cheese melt with mozzarella sticks melted inside of it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I will not be trying this because I value my life, but I’d like to think I deserve to try it due to me SWORDING the SHIT out of them wooden gnomes in my dream!!!

America, FUCK YEAH!!

Monday, August 9, 2010

My Day by Me



I am fighting the good fight- feel an AC cold coming on. I won't curse AC's though, for without them...I.would.just.dieeee (said in a Southern belle accent).
Since I lack any sort of mental capacity, I have decided to demonstrate my day with artwork- YES, I am multi-talented. Also, I found Paint on my computer today and have been doing some priceless works of art most. This also reminds me of when I worked with B, Blair, LoBro and crew, and B would draw these amazing pics depicting our days and various characters we worked with.
Good times.
Be glad I didn't draw me actually getting fisted and YES that is the sun shooting out hot.fiyah.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Some Things I’ve Learned From Shark Week So Far:



-That some species CAN LEAP OUT OF THE WATER AS HIGH AS FIFTEEN FEET! What the fuck?

-Sharks and I have a lot in common besides being seen as scary, but really we’re just trying to live yo!-and the teeth thing (I kid)- if you leave them the eff alone, HUMAN BEINGS, they will not eat you or tear your fucking arm off! I’m the same way. Don’t fuck with me and I am the tender-est kitten to ever nuzzle your hand…some people see this as a sign of weakness or that I need to be effed with. These people walk away (if they can) scarred for life.

-You know the whole ‘White mans guilt’ thing…when White peeps feel bad for raping n’ pillaging n’ destroying cultures/groups of people and then you know like mainstreaming it (culture) or psychologically scarring groups of people so that they hate themselves- and some would feel they do/did this because they have nothing of cultural value to offer n' the whole power thing…well I say PSSHAWWW to that! If it weren’t for the adventuresome White man (and woman) we wouldn't have things like SHARK WEEK!! Who else is gonna out there on a small ass boat while a killer white shark is leaping in the air trying to eat a seal? Who is gonna do that?! Who’s gonna dump chum in the water to attract sharks and then lower themselves in feeble cages to see how they (the sharks) feed???!! Kudos White man and woman!

-Often when I think about sharks or watch anything about sharks I think back to one of my favorite shark moments ever.
In the movie Deep Blue Sea, Sam Jackson's character is giving an amazing pep talk as only Sam could and just as he gains the groups confidence that they are not going to be eaten by a shark that has been tearing shit up- the shark leaps out of the water and eats him. Perfection!! Probably one of the greatest moments in cinematic history! *sigh* I like sharks.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

The Place Where I Work: Loyalty

“I don’t have a problem with you feeding me, but I have a lil problem with you not feeding me.”
That would be my lil play on ODB’s ‘Got Your Money’ lyric. Also a glimpse as to why my loyalty may fade. Like my honesty, my loyalty is to a fault. I do not pledge (my loyalty) blindly, but once it’s on…it.is.on.
…unless I am hungry and you have the ability to feed me and you don’t like my usual café one flight up from my desk. I know everyone who works there, they are my peeps. They almost seem to look forward to me coming –it is rather sweet. Because these are ‘my peeps’ I refuse to even check out the supposedly nicer cafeteria on the 8th floor of the building. This is supposed to be the café MECCA! …but ya see, I don’t want to eff with a good thing. Plus it’s my peeps.
Then today I go up there all ready to order and I am ignored AND THEN these douchebags decide that being rude is the way to go-so instead of chocking someone out, I went down to the Mecca Cafeteria! I will equate this to a person who sleeps on/takes their significant other for granted and that person gets scooped up by someone who’s da bi’ness.
I may never see ‘my peeps’ again!!!! The Mecca Cafeteria is all anyone could wish for…it has EVERYTHING…I almost got teary eyed being surrounded by so much food n' drink n' Starbucks coffee…then I ordered an eggplant pizza slice.
*sigh* Cannot wait to spend all of tomorrow morning dreaming up what I am going to have for lunch, hopefully it will be more interesting I think I was just overwhelmed today.
I guess I am just a temp-so really people can't expect too much loyalty from me work wise AND especially when you're not FEEDING me when you're supposed to!

In other news, I think it was Black Thought (The Roots) who said something like, “…I have a soft spot for white linen, loose tree’s and smart women…” That lyric (though it may be worded differently) gets me through the tough moments. The moments when I get to hear the reasons I am single-always unsolicited, and well intentioned- the latest being that I am too smart. As opposed to being really dumb? Or mostly retarded? I get it though- not that I think I am ALL that smart- but my asshole capabilities that is mostly humor misconstrued as offense- is often mistaken for wit and intelligence. I also hate most people (until they are proven to be legit)…but that is besides the point, I get it, but imma go out on a limb and say it's cool that I am ‘too smart’ because that means I am interesting and people who dig interesting are usually interesting so it works out.
If I am 45 and single/unmarried then I will not speak as much as I procure the young tender sac I shall be ‘getting with’. Won’t care about holding a convo with all the 22 yr old dudes I’ll be dating-just put.it.in…maybe I’ll make you a sandwich and then you have to get the hell out! Don’t ask me for gas money either!
Whew…where am I?....

Monday, August 2, 2010

A Few Things I Learned During This Long Weekend of Celebration

-Celebrating is not as draining as partying.

-High, high heels are the devils chopsticks (whatever that means).

-Generally, peeps who work or dwell or eat in Soho are more likely to be douchebags/asshats/turds/basically unpleasant

-…except for Keanu Reeves, who was just walking about looking scruffy handsome and pensive.

-Patience is a virtue I am learning.

-Marci is late most of the time, but on time when it counts. Whereas I am on time or early, but late at the most inopportune moments.

-Great friends are truly a blessing.

-My ass has the ability to make a man say: dayuummmmmm.
Didn’t know that, thought I was just proportionate.

-Starting with gin and ending with vodka can lead to mishaps of the best kind.

-I miss TA (and *heart* her boo Matt) and wish she was closer most of the time.

-Hot waiters wanna serve me in more ways than one.

-Not all wedding bands are cheesy n’ suck.

-Gay men will let me know they approve of my look even if I don’t seek approval.

-Team Moo-Hark are a gorgeous, loving/loved, glorious team!!

-Even a ‘jaded’ New Yorker like myself can fall in love with my city over and over again.

-My dreams are still disturbing.

-Sometimes it’s not stress or other things that cause your hair to fall out and you almost cry, sometimes it’s using the WRONG products. Luckily I have a lot of hair.

-Never ever trust a big butt and smile.