Tuesday, January 28, 2014

....When I Went To See 47 Ronin

This is what happens when you SLACK on updating your blog.  You forget things.

SO when I went to see 47 Ronin I thought J Cole was sitting next to me with his mom. This is funny for many reasons...


  1. His 'mom' was White and I was like 'I didn't know J Cole was biracial.'
  2. The reason I probably didn't know J Cole was biracial is because I give next to no fucks about him.
  3. I mean, I have like one of his songs on my iPod, but he is a mere blip on my radar.
  4. When I thought he was sitting next to me...and kept looking at me like we maybe knew each other, I felt myself blush.
  5. This is when I realized I have 'Amber Rose' tendencies and may be thirsty for that rapper dick.
I thought I was sitting next to J Cole through most of the movie previews and right as I was about to text my friend Margo (who wants to KNOW J Cole) and Mo (who KNOWS J Cole), I realized I was NOT sitting next to J Cole.  I was sitting next to some really young French dude who went to see 47 Ronin with his mom...or lovah.  
The theater was really dark.  I am sticking to that story.

The End.

Monday, January 27, 2014

The Times I Went To See Thor, Catching Fire, 47 Ronin and The Wolf of Wall Street

Ugh I slack.
I shoulda been reviewing this whole time, but I forget...and it's not like I lives in a movie theatre, they are too damn expensive...but they do have that toxic cheese that you can dip pretzels in.  Mmmm....

Anywho, so I went to see Thor 2...


...now this was only because I am a Regal Cinemas VIP and had a free movie ticket burning a hole in my pocket.  I also heard there would be a lot of shirtlessness.  Also, Kat Dennings was in it- and like most Kat's (i.e. Katt Williams), I like her.  Natalie Portman I could do without, but whatevs.
The movie was a disappointment due to lack of shirtlessness and m'boo Idris Elba was also clothed through the WHOLE thing.  The story was predictable...yet entertaining enough, like I didn't fall asleep.
This movie gets 2 pretzel nuggets and a 'shoulda been a summer blockbuster' pass.

Next up is Catching Fire!


Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! This movie was so awesome.  Leaps and bounds better than Thor and even the first Hunger Games- though I didn't totally hate Hunger Games, it was just lacking in things that Catching Fire had.  Good story movement, amazing costumes, amazing characters and Jennifer Lawrence's 'acting eyes'.
I read the books a while ago so I didn't remember what happened in this movie till I saw Phillip Seymour Hoffman (who is perfecto for that part) and was like OHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.  You can see how my mind is a like a find tuned orchestra...just working together to get me through the day.
It's fine I don't need to be a genius.
And talk about a great love triangle, the whole Peeta-Katniss-Gale thing is BELIEVABLE.  It would be hard for me to choose which to bone for life as they each have these great qualities....
ALSO, let's just say Katniss is an awesome female character.  I dig her and relate to her cluelessness about certain things but not being a dumb bitch.  Just can't comprehend when there are inceptions happening but she has integrity and grit...and humor.
This movie just did it for me.  Action, drama, costumes- I cried (Rue), I laughed....it made me gasp.  It gets a full batch of fresh out the microwave pretzel nuggets with hot toxic cheese on the side and the sideeye from some bitch eating kale chips.



Ha!  You're probably asking yourself WHY I went to see 47 Ronin.  One word- Keanu.  Who knew that he still had 'it'?  But he does.  Ruddy and I were SHOCKED that we actually enjoyed the movie and the story.  It made me wanna learn more about- okay it made me wanna revisit this thing between Keanu and I.  Haven't felt this way since Speed!
This movie had gorgeous costumes, some witchcraft and a man-bunned Keanu...which is really all a girl ever wants.  I give it 4 sorta fresh pretzel bites that you eat with chopsticks and wash down with a coco-cola slushie.


Finally, The Wolf of Wall Street.  I don't know where to begin...with the 'it's a true story', the cocaine, the fucking , Jonah Hill's penis...


The movie was long and incited anger in me from the moment I saw Matthew McConannaheyyyy thump his chest n' shit because I hate him.  I dunno where this sudden hatred for him came from but he does nothing to help it.
We get it, Leo is a great actor and since this dude (Jordan Belfort) was a total schmuck that only douchebag Wall Street types would look up to- then Leo played the part amazingly!  Jonah Hill wasn't bad either and I am glad he gained weight again.  Losing weight isn't for everyone.  You can't go from the fat funny dude to the skinny fugly dude who is trying to be a serious actor.  No one gives a fuck JONAH as you are NO Phillip Seymour Hoffman so have a seat.
Yeah...I still don't know how I feel about this movie.  Like...I didn't hate it, but it was just a lot.  Then it pissed me off because these dudes were basic dumb thugs who played in a elevated field simply because they were white.  Their criminal game and punishments are just different.  I hate that these assholes think they are better just because they stole a whole gang of money and are able to have 'the best' of everything. Ugh...this Jordan dude is just a piece of shit and the fact that many people will/do look up to him is another reason why I just hate people.
This movie gets a fresh batch or pretzel nuggets that are coated with cocaine and have possibly touched Jonah Hill's penis- thankfully the night I saw this my only nightmare was of Matthew McConnaheyyyy screaming shit at me like: YOU CAN DO IT (chest thump).
I woke up breathing heavy and in a cold sweat.

Tuesday, January 14, 2014

This Dream I Had The Other Night...

I had an amazing sound sleep on Sunday night- I think my last for the week with the way last night went- where I had an EPIC dream where I loved a man who turned into a bat...
He was literally a man who slowly turned into a bat and people were mean to him and beating him up.
This doesn't really look like dude in my dream, but it has his eyes. Weird.



I woke up wondering what it was all about until I got to work and realized. Man bat....BATMAN!  It was my first dream about my office boo I call Bruce as in Bruce Wayne as in Batman!  Ahhhhh.....then things went DOWN HILL.
My office boo is no longer my Bruce...my Batman...because he has poor taste.  Poor,poor taste.  Basically he has been flirting with this chick I cannot STAND.  You know me, it's not some dumb female jealousy thing, it's a 'she's just a lousy person' thing.  You can't be feeling me AND her, it just doesn't compute.  It's like saying no to a bottle of Veuve Cleuqot and preferring that someone just spit into your mouth.
One is simply better than the other.  Me.
So office boo is DEAD to me and now I can concentrate on males outside of the office (bleak) and my bloggin' (yay).
I can also prepare for The Walking Dead returning to me.  #DontLookBack

Thursday, January 9, 2014

The Place Where I Work: New Vocab

Here at the office I have co-worker (who is growing into the friendship zone-awww), I'll call her JJ, who gets me.  I get her.  We get each other and (more importantly) the JOKE.
So we have come up with names for various office characters mainly to keep ourselves entertained throughout the day.  Also so when we are talking shit about them, they don't know.  There is this one woman here we call ShelfBooty.  Yeah, that may sound sexy, but she isn't.  Her ass can hold cups, your dreams, a few pens, a copy of 'War & Peace'...it can hold many things.  She breathes heavy.  She smokes a lot.  She is nice though...and has a funny way of saying things.
One day JJ hears ShelfBooty say: I can't wait to suck down some coffee.
JJ was like: WHO says that?!
I was like ShelfBooty does...and now I DO!  I have taken to saying I am going to 'suck down' various things, just waiting for my office boo to overhear and have #thoughts.
JJ and I call my office boo Bruce- as in Bruce Wayne because he seems like he leads a double life.  He is a genuine softy, but has a bit of badass.  We also call him Brolo because he appears to workout A LOT.  Like I don't think there is ANY fat on his body- I would like to further research...but we haven't gotten there yet.
Bruce aka Brolo is kinda ditsy, but he gets it.  By 'it' I mean the joke AND possibly my honey pot...or my VAGINAL VORTEX.  Hmm.
He is like a labrador (retriever...the dog) at times- just friendly n' jolly.  He chats up everyone-but with me, we have private convos that have innuendo and involve me calling him a cornball a lot.  Aww, young love.

Anyways, here are the ways I have used 'sucked down' so far- this is starting from Monday when we first heard the term.

  • I can't wait to suck down this coffee.
  • Did you suck that coffee down?
  • I can't wait to suck down this smoothie.
  • I totally sucked down my lunch.
  • I am about to suck down these fritos.
  • I am going to suck down some drinks after work. 
Unfortunately, Bruce aka Brolo hasn't been around to hear any of this but luckily I REALLY enjoy using the term 'sucking down' because it is just so ridiculous it WORKS!  Plus anytime I can be inappropriate without people knowing I am...well that is just icing on the cake.

Tuesday, January 7, 2014

The Art of Letting Go

With every new year comes a new lesson learned.  The last two years- especially for me (I feel)- have been a crash course in strength of character and letting go.  I am also growing more patient which has made me feel more centered and calm.
...this will be one of my rare blog entries where I get a little deep and share a lil piece of myself.  We all know how I am real private but like to blog...am just not the type of blog where I go into great detail about my bowel movements or how deep the last dude who penetrated me went- in other words, I share what I wanna and HOW I wanna.
Plus bowel movement talk, unless you're Dr. Oz, is just crass.  Double penetration, fisting, me mentioning wanting to sit on someones face- are just things that need to be discussed at times.

Though I pride myself on always being a 'non-surface' individual, I have my moments when I get caught up
in the wrong thing(s) and allow too much nonsense to seep in.  It's cool to have fun and be all self centered asshole, but you have to allow for more meaningful things.  Sometimes you are hit with such harsh realities that you HAVE to be more 'about' things than talking shit n' being frivolous with your time and people.  You have character building experiences...moments when you are tested- what I mean by tested, is whether you can move on.  Fight through it.  Learn something that you reflect on during a long stroll or while you're sipping a cocktail waiting for a friend at a bar.
When I was younger I dabbled with thoughts of suicide...like I had no idea how I would do 'it', but I just felt bleak.  Weak.  Felt like it would just make things easier.  I didn't like myself most of the time...I didn't like getting fucked over by people...I couldn't deal with mistakes I made.  Thankfully though, something-I think it was my family kept me from ever taking my strong emo realizations seriously.  I couldn't do that to my family.
Then eventually when I went through some REAL SHIT and was like: you know what LIFE, I got you.  It is empowering to really give ZERO fucks about trivial shit.  It is freeing.  Sure you stress a little when it matters, but your perspective is greater.  Perspective helps you to not be such a selfish fuck with people because you realize everyone has their path and goes through their REAL SHIT as well.
Keeping that in mind, it doesn't change the fact or hurt any less when good friends become great strangers.  When relationships change and you weren't given the stage directions.  You have no idea where you stand and don't know you're in the way...until you just realize you are and decidedly pull yourself out of the 'show'.  I have had a few friendships I cherished just disintegrated-you may be thinking: well you hating ass bitch, that's what you get.  BUT we all know that I am a delightful hating ass bitch...who knows to look at myself first, and I did.  Sure with a couple of them friendships it was me going through shit and not nurturing the friendships...or perhaps something I said...or whatever, but sometimes its just that people evolve and need to be around different people.  They need to do different things and that is okay.  It hurts.  It makes a person who rarely lets a person get too close reinforce my force fields, but I accept it.  I move on and I live in the present with the wonderful people who ARE around and want to be there.  People who have helped me through rough moments with a kind word, a joke or just by being there.
People who reflect my kindness and care, and prove that this hateful sometimes emo bitch is winning at something.

Never be afraid to let go of situations, of people, of things...because what you're holding on to can be so much better for you.