Tuesday, July 26, 2016

Black, Black

"You're not like...black, black though..."

That's really what most people want - or to not be made to feel like their feelings, struggles or simply being a human being is insignificant.
Unfortunately, Black people are often made to feel insignificant and claims of racism and abusive cops are invalidated.  Even when there is proof, we are told how we deserved to be killed because of criminal pasts or HONEST mistakes.  No one is held accountable for our lives so we shout 'BLACK LIVES MATTER' and are told 'ALL LIVES MATTERS' to further invalidate us.  When the basic meaning of  'all lives matter' IS that 'black lives matter'.
In my experience, back when I gave a fuck, I spent most of my time validating my blackness or apologizing for it.  By apologizing, I mean really 'promoting' all these 'non-specifically' black things I was into to prove I was 'cool' and 'please don't think I am just some sassy, neck rolling black girl'.
Little did I know, I didn't have to work that hard because very few people thought of me as BLACK at all.  I was 'not like them'.  I was this light skinned, ambiguous looking chick.  I didn't look black or 'talk black'...I wasn't, you know, black black.
These words have been said to me in a non joking way.
It made me mad but I was young and dumb and couldn't put a finger on why because being black wasn't a burden to me...it was just who I was.  I was into the 'we shall over come' and if I don't 'see color' and just surround myself with likeminded people we WILL overcome.
Then I got 'woke'. Woke or older...you start really seeing the world...and really listening to people...and really start not giving a fuck.  I realized I had nothing to prove and that people are mostly shit.  Then I started seeing videos and pictures of black people being murdered and LISTENING to people invalidate these black lives.  Invalidate my life.
Like when I say I have been followed around stores or (when I was on dating sites) be told that I could get a way with saying I am not Black...because it would make me more attractive.
People don't like to believe me or think I am exaggerating because...I am not black, black.

With all the recent events, I had gone back into my slightly depressed state.  Being woke causes constant rage and depression which are never good states to be in. So I try to do things to encourage laughter and be the carefree Black girl I am...
I went to see Ghostbusters and as I laughed and thoroughly enjoyed the movie, every time I saw m'girl Leslie Jones I thought about how AWFUL ASS PEOPLE were trying to knock her down and tell her she didn't DESERVE to be in that movie and compared her looks to a monkey.
Here I was enjoying a moment, yet had to be reminded about how truly AWFUL the world is and most people are.
Here is this beautiful, talented, HILARIOUS woman invalidated simply because she is Black.

I always discuss perspective and how I try my hardest to have it.  Not when it comes to ignorant assholes, but just in general.  My experiences have allowed me to gain a lot of perspective and have taught me to never negate someones feelings (unless they are cruel and/or dumb) or experiences.  I mean I am TRYING...but for the most part I have my headphones on and I'm writing all the fanfiction (in my head) that I have started and am trying to finish but world events get me into a non creative funk...

Wednesday, July 6, 2016

So You Think You Can FitBit?

Last night I had a dream I was trapped in a room.  The room was in an abandoned building- well it appeared to be, it could have just been real industrial.
I was not alone in this room, there were like 9-10 other people who I cannot recall...but I think I knew them.  We seemed to work well together in any case...because we were engineering some machines AND choreographing a dance routine that incorporated these machines.
It was a whole NUMBER.  A dance number that required acrobatics and engineering!!
Once we were done...we were then judged by Jay-Z who showed up wearing a black Yankee fitted and had about 5 people with him.  We did our thing and then breathlessly awaited the verdict.
Jay-Z LOVED it so we were then free to leave the room...and the building.

I don't know WHAT this means, but I do know I just got a FitBit so I blame that.