Thursday, April 25, 2013

LL Cool Jackass

This is about 2 weeks late because a lot is going on, but I hope LL Cool J didn't think he could come out with that wack ass song "Accidental Racist" and I wasn't going to call him a shame to the Black, human and hip hop race!!  He no longer exists in my book.

I knew when his face started looking funny and he claimed he was doing juice cleanses n' shit that things weren't good with LL.  Then he started doing that NCIS or CIS or that show that has been on forever and I don't know who is watching it!
Something wasn't right...but I wasn't going to go in on LL because...he's LL.  Some of his songs are soundtracks to prime moments in my life AND he doesn't annoy me with his acting.

Then I heard he was coming out with a new album and I thought: WHY?
I mean, he's doing TV, film- he was in that classic film Deep Blue Sea where he defies being Black by scuba diving (with no gear) in shark infested waters to find/save his pet bird.
Why does he need to do music too? Or anymore.  He is wayyyy passed his prime...and then I saw that it was an album full of collabos, which included Brad Paisley.
(record scratch) WHAT?
Title of song: Accidental Racist (3 record scratches and 5 douchebag shrugs)
Lyrics to song are....

[Verse Annotate1: Brad Paisley]
To the man that waited on me
At the Starbucks down on Main
I hope you understand
When I put on that t-shirt
The only thing I meant to say
Is I'm a Skynyrd fan

The red flag on my chest somehow is
Like the elephant in the corner of the south
And I just walked him right in the room
Just a proud rebel son with an 'ol can of worms
Lookin' like I got a lot to learn
But from my point of view

[Hook: Brad Paisley]
I'm just a white man comin' to you from the southland
Tryin' to understand what it's like not to be
I'm proud of where I'm from but not everything we've done
And it ain't like you and me can re-write history
Our generation didn't start this nation
We're still pickin' up the pieces, walkin' on eggshells, fightin' over yesterday
And caught between southern pride and southern blame

[Verse 2: Brad Paisley]
They called it Reconstruction, fixed the buildings, dried some tears
We're still siftin' through the rubble after a hundred-fifty years
I try to put myself in your shoes and that's a good place to begin
But it ain't like I can walk a mile in someone else's skin

[Hook: Brad Paisley]
Cause I'm a white man livin' in the southland
Just like you I'm more than what you see
I'm proud of where I'm from but not everything we've done
And it ain't like you and me can re-write history
Our generation didn't start this nation
And we're still paying for the mistakes
That a bunch of folks made long before we came
And caught somewhere between southern pride and southern blame

[Verse 3: LL Cool J]
Dear Mr. White Man, I wish you understood
What the world is really like when you're livin' in the hood
Just because my pants are saggin' doesn't mean I'm up to no good
You should try to get to know me, I really wish you would
Now my chains are gold but I'm still misunderstood
I wasn't there when Sherman's March turned the south into firewood
I want you to get paid but be a slave I never could
Feel like a new fangled Django, dodgin' invisible white hoods
So when I see that white cowboy hat, I'm thinkin' it's not all good
I guess we're both guilty of judgin' the cover not the book

I'd love to buy you a beer, conversate and clear the air
But I see that red flag and I think you wish I wasn't here

[Hook: Brad Paisley (w/ LL Cool J ad libs)]
I'm just a white man
(If you don't judge my do-rag)
Comin' to you from the southland
(I won't judge your red flag)

Tryin' to understand what it's like not to be
I'm proud of where I'm from
(If you don't judge my gold chains)
But not everything we've done
(I'll forget the iron chains)
It ain't like you and me can re-write history
(Can't re-write history baby)

Oh, Dixieland
(The relationship between the Mason-Dixon needs some fixin')
I hope you understand what this is all about
(Quite frankly I'm a black Yankee but I've been thinkin' about this lately)
I'm a son of the new south
(The past is the past, you feel me)
And I just want to make things right
(Let bygones be bygones)
Where all that's left is southern pride
(RIP Robert E. Lee but I've gotta thank Abraham Lincoln for freeing me, know what I mean)
It's real, it's real
It's truth

Let all that lyrical genius marinate in your MIND!
I did and it made me wanna shake shit.

Where the song isn't harmful:

  • it's about not judging a book by its cover and seeing passed stereotypical triggers
  • it begs for us to all get along
  • it has the possibility of being part of a 'Let's Travel To The South, We Won't Lynch You Black Peeps' campaign
Where the song is harmful:

  •  one shouldn't judge another by what's on the outside, but if I am in the South and I am Black (which I am) and you're White wearing shirt with the Confederate flag on it, then assume that I am going to feel real uncomfortable and going to assume you are a racist. it just bes like that.
  • with that said, the song asks that we forget the past and just let 'bygones be bygones'. REALLY?! it's hard to forget things when their repercussions are still prevalent.
  • like LL literally asks for us to forget slavery.  which is something that upsets me when anyone says that-'get over it'.  I am not saying Black people or any enslaved peoples/peoples mistreated for their looks/race/religion/gender need to walk around 'whining' about the past or using it as some type of excuse as to why you can't succeed, but um, yeah sometimes the reasons one can't succeed have to with ethnic neighborhoods given poor educational choices, and more liquor stores than parks.  then you have people anti- affirmative action, but bitch you NEED that shit.  I've been lucky with having an ETHNIC name being able to even get into interviews. it's been luck and having kick ass references, but once I get the job I really do have to work twice as hard as my White counterparts.  it sounds all 'woe is me' but it is TRUE, I live this life and I see it.  I've been lucky mostly, and I do work hard-but imagine if I didn't have to deal with BULLSHIT.  if everyday could be a Vanessa Carlton or a Lumineers song.  it is not.
  • Paisley made reference to trying to see the other point of view which I think is key, but perspective is hard for people who don't have to 'worry' about shit like not getting jobs or places to live based on their race/looks/name.  I'm not saying White peeps don't have issues, but its an altogether different set.  if you are not White...and let's say living in America, you are bombarded with the societal norm being all things White n' Christian.  White is right.  You have to know your own culture AND the predominate (White) one.  you have to fit in or you will stand out even MORE and be mistreated.  so perspective is needed-not assumptions that because I am Black,  I grew up without a dad and had to watch my mom sell her body to buy me shoes.  you need to know that we see things differently and allow me to explain why-as I will you.  am patient with ignorance for only so long.  understand that even in the 'Obama-era' that!  I get followed around stores, I get asked if I am mixed because I am so educated, people try to touch my hair, etc.  so understand why I get angry sometimes, don't just sweep my feelings under the rug 'get over it'. am not talking about prolonged White guilt, am just talking understanding.  
  • it does go both ways though, we can't assume that all White people are racists.  we still can't walk around saying slavery never happened or don't see me as a Black person though.  that shit is ridiculous.  I AM BLACK and there is nothing wrong with that.  when people say 'I don't see color', I get their intentions, but I WANT YOU TO SEE ME and acknowledge me as a fuckin' person who may not be like you AND I am okay...and I will try to do the same for you.  racism will be here forever and always.  as long as there are people of different races, there will be racism.  we all just have to learn to deal with it and each other better and it does NOT begin with pretending things didn't happen and that when you wear a confederate flag you've made your statement and people will act accordingly.  Go cry into your venti chai, Paisley!
This song is wack, and LL Cool J can go drown himself in a spit bucket filled with sloppy redneck dicks.  It was irresponsible and a sad ploy at money gains by trying to open himself to a country audience.
LL should go off on a spirit quest.  Dig out his old fuzzy kango and FIND HIMSELF.  Journey back to Queensbridge and sit on a rooftop...maybe get mugged...and he should drink only bottled water from the bodega.  A bodega cat will speak to him and tell him how many ways he's fucked up.
Hopefully he will get himself together and get off my DUNZO LIST!  *ahem* Eff you LL!!!

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Slutty Summer 2013

You know me, I get these weird epiphanies.  This time: Slutty Summer 2013 flashed in my head.
I got that far-a-way look in my eyes and then slowly nodded my head. YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!

This being me, I am not going to venture into 'imaginary world' and say this will include a lot of bangin', but being a believer in positive thinking I am not going to rule out multiple bang outs. #BodyParty
Slutty Summer 2013 is more about fashion and youth slipping away.  Luckily ( I was reminded by a friend) about my gene-ology that I still have another 10 years of youthful attitude and slutty gear wearing.  I was going to end at about 40...but now it's 45 because that's when I'll start looking at least 35. YES!
Thank you moms for the great skin genes you passed, and thanks to my zest for life n' love of SLEEP!

Things like this will most likely be seen on me.  I am not the size or shape of this chick, but I am going to GO FOR IT...while still keeping my classy demeanor.
I am going to listen to pop songs and rap songs about booty n' I'm gonna LIVE my Slutty Summer 2013.

It's gonna be about getting  that good good tan and sipping a cold fruity drink.  Will be waving my ass n' thigh meats around while telling whistling dudes to FUCK OFF!

No denim short will ever be TOO SHORT during Slutty Summer 2013.  The bottom of my asscheeks will be an unforgettable view.  ....but you STILL can't howl at me, bitches!
You also can't note my discomfort face as I walk around with yeast itch from having too tight shorts.

Slutty Summer 2013 is not just about fashion is a state of mind!  A feeling of freedom n' devil-may-care.  Maintaining mystery while letting your labia hang out.

We'll see how it goes....

Friday, April 12, 2013

Why I Hated 'SpringBreakers' So Much by Me

In my last post I mentioned how seeing SpringBreakers made me cringe and that I hated everyone in the movie.  Today's post is about the WHY.

Sure,  I went into the movie thinking it was one thing, but it turned out being another.  I expected campy, violent fun...well lighthearted violence?  Hmmm.
In any case, what I got were people I gave zero fucks about and wanted to see eaten by alligators.

The story takes place in what looks to be Florida and focuses on these chicks at college who just wanna go away for spring break.  They feel going away for spring break will change their lives.
Okay, so I remember being in school and sure you looked forward to spring break because it was a changing?  I mean, you get could preggers from all the pina colada induced train runs you have.  That would change your life.
This group of chicks decide to see how much money each has saved up to go away.  It's not enough to go away because it looks like they like to PARTY.  Most of their money went to drugs n shit so they have a brilliant idea to rob bitches.  Now they think they're hard bitches.
...but they are also bitches who can afford to go away for SPRINNNG BREAK.
They head down to wherever paradise is and party hard.  There is coke, girl on girl action, titties...and then a reflective moment in a pool where the 'goodie two shoes' of the crew says she never wants to go back or forget this moment because spring break is AWESOME!!
Then they get bailed out of jail by James Franco's character who is a rapper and an all around 'thug'.  Blah blah blah drugs blah blah blah simulated sex blah blah blah guns blah blah blah death blah blah blah

The movie did a nice juxtaposition visually of 'normal' life and 'vacation' life where everything seems brighter- especially for people who have nothing else going on and are pretty much simpletons.  That and James Franco's character were the most interesting things, everything else I gave zero fucks about.
It's hard to watch a movie where you care nothing for the characters.  They are not good people or bad people...they are just these leeches of time and oxygen.  Maybe because I see so many people like them (in real life) who love being ignorant and just love caring about shit that doesn't matter.  I cringed because this kinda vapid behavior is applauded by our society and I am just fed up with it.
Sure, it's a movie...but it is just so saturated in our society-there will be people who see this movie and feel validated in their behavior.
...maybe I am taking all the fun out of movie watching and fantasy, but shit, my feelings are valid and they are that I HATED THIS MOVIE.
I want to kick it while its down.  Bleah.

Thursday, April 11, 2013

The Time I Went To See 'Evil Dead' and 'SpringBreakers' In The Same Week by Me

Spriiiinnnnng little bitch!- this is said with a mix of the James Franco character in SpringBreakers and the demon in Evil Dead.  Both voices I have been mimicking for the last few days because I am fun!

To say that I am affected by seeing these movies within such a short time of each- for even seeing SpringBreakers at all- is an understatement.  To go from wanting to see something so BAD and then wondering what other bad life choices I have made....
The consolations are that:
  1. Evil Dead was really good! 
  2.  I didn't have to pay to see Evil Dead because I am a Regal Cinemas VIP, yo!
  3.  I payed a reduced price for SpringBreakers.
  4.  Though I still paid too much for SpringBreakers, I got to see it with my friend Margo who cringed as much as I did.

I remember seeing the OG Evil Dead many moons ago when I was a youngin' living on the edge and into gory shit.  It was campy and fun- this new one was gory...and had some hipsters...and seemed to have a theme of 'women are evil' threading through it.  Maybe the OG one had that too and I was too young to notice things like that.
There was just this overall feeling of women are weak, are sexual objects, and are evil.  Will throw annoying n' dumb in there too.  This all made me uncomfortable, but I realized I was seeing a HORROR FILM and as along as it was a bunch of White people in the woods getting killed- because that's just what happens- then we were following the norm.
The movie made me jump and freaked me out a lil, so I was entertained n' happy.  Plus, there were the pretzel bites with cheese I ate.  Mmmmmm my favorite.
Lessons learned:
  • if a group of white people wanna do anything in the woods, you're going to be killed there. know that.
  • if you stumble upon a book with barbed wire on it, maybe you shouldn't open it
  • let's say you open the book...certainly don't read any names out loud that could summon a demon 
  • if you're with someone and they say they've been seeing weird things and they wanna go home:TAKE THEM HOME
  • if someone in your crew gets possessed by a demon, stop going into places alone or near them
  • learn how to use a chainsaw
The lead actress in this movie plays Tessa on one of my favorite shows 'Suburgatory'.  I like her face and she is a GOOD actress- didn't even hate her as a demon.  She was actually my favorite character in the movie.
...unlike SpringBreakers where I hated EVERYONE.  Like after the first 20mins if everyone was killed, I would've been good with that.

I went into SpringBreakers thinking it was going to be a a movie about some girls getting caught up in some shit during spring break.  There I was with my pretzel bites (twice in one week, eeek) and m'girl Margo.  We were into it.  Then the movie happened and we cringed all the way through it.
Like I see how it was trying to be edgy and perhaps the movie 'Kids' at the beach, but it wasn't.  It was just...filled with jiggling tits and characters you HATED.  I hated EVERYONE.  Even James Franco- who was great-but ugh.  Plus he didn't show his penis!!!
Selena Homez and Vanessa Sludgins were good...but...I just...b;ah!
Then Gucci Mane was in the movie acting poorly and adding insult to injury.  It was all just so unbelievably bad...and then the Britney Spears moments....I laughed to keep from crying.  There I was eating pretzel bites for dinner, adding all these unwanted calories that I was going to top off with a brownie sundae when I could've been eating some quinoa or something.  But NOOOOOOOOOOO, I made my choice to see this masterpiece of hard shit turds and period farts.  I made my choice.

I am going to cap off this week of movies by seeing Jurassic Park 3D which I am EXTREMELY excited about.  This should ease the pain of SpringBreakers.  Plus, DINOSAURS!
I will also need to do like 3 days next week in the gym to work off my anger and my pretzel bites.  *le sigh*

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

You Don't Know My Life: Calm, Crazed, WTF?!

The Calm

The Walking Dead (AMC) season finale was total calm in what should've been chaos and death.  It was touching, it was scary and it was significant because it made me care about Andrea AND feel I would miss her.  WOW!
I also like CARL!  Last season, I was all 'someone EAT THAT KID', now I feel him.  He may be shooting the shit out of people, but I understand where he's coming from- have some humanity, but don't take too long lowering your weapon when I ask you to PUT THAT SHIT DOWN. 
Where things left off...I am excited by whats to come!  October can't come soon enough!

The Crazed
For some reason I found myself watching the season finale of Love & Hip Hop (VH1).  I maybe watched like 3 or 4 episodes this season because there are moments I truly value my time and brain cells. 
This season was especially hard to watch with Joe Budden's (see pic above) questionable facial hair.  It seems a bit crazy for me to say that his facial hair makes me uneasy...but it does.  It just makes me real uncomfortable.  Also, he claims to be 28 years old.  NO FUCKIN' WAY.  Try 38 Joe, and that is me being generous.  I get that he was a drug addict and has had 'a life' but NO FUCKIN' WAY that dude is 28. 
So Joe Budden's facial hair and the overall ratchetness of the show kept me from watching regularly, and then when I found myself watching the season finale and seeing Rich Dollarz and his one time boo Erica cry n' scream at each other for 20 mins.  I am talking crying where I didn't understand what they were saying or why.  It was real emotional, Drake levels bordering on Kanye
Finally, I was able to gather that Rich started boning some chick that Erica boned while she and Rich were dating and then they started crying and screaming again...and I started wondering where I went wrong in my life.  Like how did I get to the point where I couldn't just turn from this crap and save myself.  No, I had to lose valuable time and brain cells.  Things I won't ever get back.

The WTF?!
Oh Scandal (ABC), all that fuckery and strangle burger sex with Noel (aka Jake but he will always be Noel from Felicity)!
So 'Liv decides she is going to MOVE ON with her life which means hopping on another penis, it happens to be Noel's penis.  We all know/think that Noel is bad news.  Then 'Liv finds out that he's been watching (on TVs) her RIGHT after they boned...and then we see that hit man dude in her apartment.  The one who killed Amanda Tanner in season 1 and who has a past with Huck.  Then 'Liv hits her head and is rushed to the hospital where Fitz shows up and is all like: I forgive you boo!
While all of this is going on, friggin' Huck is in a box (my Huck's in a box, it's my Huck in a box girrrrl).  We find that hit man put Huck in a box...and now he is 10 kinds of screwed (Huck).
All of that happens and my mouth is all open and I am pacing...and then I find out that Scandal will be on a THREE WEEK HIATUS.
What's gonna happen is imma start watching Hannibal (NBC) and then Scandal will be all like: hey boo, we are gonna do a 'Liv n' Fitz hot make up sex scene in the hospital bed...
And I'll be like: whatevs Scandal, I'll catch you on Hulu, bitch!

I can be so hateful n' scornful sometimes.

Friday, April 5, 2013

The Place Where I Work: Body Party Too!!

The party keeps getting bigger n' better!!  Remember when I spoke about my initial Body Party and all of its attendees, well a few have left the party and some new peeps have joined.
I think I am still emotional about my post the other day which went into rant territory and bordered on 'made no sense' zone.  The idea of Beyotche` singing anything Amy Winehouse does that to me.  I should've gone in on Beyotche` trying to play Etta James in that movie 'Cadillac Records'.  I just wasn't thinking straight...

...back to the whole work-gym situation aka my boooody parrrrty.

First, I've worked off 5lbs, yo.  That is an achievement for a lazy ass who HATES working out aka ME!  My motivation has been mostly health...and a little bit to do with summer and wanting to fulfill some looks of 'whoredom'.  See, I am reaching that tender age of 'woman of a certain age' and I just can't do shit anymore.  Or wear just anything.  Granted, I have a few more years to go, but I have this habit of over thinking things...dunno if you noticed.

Anywho, besides Telemundo cheering me on AND buying me pre-workout snacks- DesignerDude and I walked to the gym one day.  It just happened.  He goes to run on the treadmill and play basketball.  DD was less awkward/killer-like, I thought we were cool.  I was wrong.  The next day he barely said two words to me...and slowly he has been upping his earring gauges.  Hmmm, dunno what that all means, but I lost interest after Telemundo got me a smoothie and has consistently been cool.
One day, Telemundo grabbed my hand and said some inspirational words as I laid my head on my desk not wanting to go to the gym AT ALL.  He happened to smell good that day too.  For one moment....I may have let my mind and eyes stray- thinking about his hands on other places....
It was a weak moment, and hey, I wound up at the gym.  I don't have those moments anymore since Telemundo went on this long romantic tirade about how the gym being his sanctuary.
I just stared at him watching his mouth move, there were dancing empanadas in my head.  They were filled with cheese n' spinach... healthy!

Thankfully, CreepyPapi has only spoken about taking me to the gym...and he even mentioned dragging me there- I ALMOST said: oh like your roofied victims to your El Dorado?
I didn't say that though.
I haven't seen him at the gym so that is a GREAT thing.  I have seen BenchPress though.  BenchPress works in another building for the finance department.  I have to see him sometimes when I have work related financial needs.  BP is HOT.  Shaved head, lips for days, and some shoulders.  He is also quite pleasant.  I can't really look at him or speak to of course I am infatuated.
One day I see him at the gym....benching what appears to be about 1,000,000 pounds!!  He doesn't grunt.  He isn't wearing zubas and his body is RIDICULOUS!!!  He catches me staring at him and smiled.
I started breathing funny.  My infatuation turned into lust and motivation.  Now I know if I go to the gym, there is a chance of me seeing BP looking all sexy n' sweaty.  Oh, and I can use machines to tighten up the body n' shit.
Hopefully I don't RickRoss (aka roofie) his 'muscle milk' and drag him onto the Q train with me....

Wish me luck!

Tuesday, April 2, 2013

Beyonce Needs To Have Several Thousand Seats In Low Chairs

It needs to be REAL hard for that trick to get back up.

*breathes* I'm going to have to stop myself from trembling with anger while typing this- so excuse any typos. (I feel like my editing won't even be up to par, I am far too emotional...Drake levels)

So first my homie La sends me a text.  She wanted to make sure a FRIEND told me and not some trifling blog site.  She mentions JiggaToe (JayZ) producing some soundtrack and that his wife aka Beyotche` will be singing an Amy Winehouse song.
My breathing became irregular.
After taking a walk, I returned to my desk to see if this was some elaborate April Fool's joke- I mean cuz really??!!!
Then I read this.  Then re-read it twice.

The funny thing is, if it was just Andre3000 doing some sick 16 over the 'Back To Black' beat- I would accept n' respect that.
....but to be so blasphemous as to have that barely passed vocal training 102 leotard gyrating Illuminati princess try to sing one of Amy's classic tunes.....that's just....
I mean it's not just a classic Amy Winehouse song, it is a CLASSIC SONG in general.
The song involves REAL EMOTION, notes that aren't toneless riffs and REAL EMOTION- something a pop robot like Beyotche` just can't muster.
Lawd she tries.  Tries hard.  That's when you get songs like 'Halo' where she is walking around screaming like a banshee and my cat is wondering who let this other bitch ass cat in the house- now she's (my cat) has got to cut-a-bitch!  Put some paws on them!

Now, I will officially go on record and say that Jiggatoe aka JayZ can take his full lips and kiss my WHOLE asshole.  I let him slide for signing a contract and acting like he's married to that 2 trick pony, I let him slide with the whole 'I'm retiring, but no I am not because I needs more money to really distance myself from the camel with the fade I was n' start hanging with Gwyneth Pussyflow n' them chicks in Coldplay'...and do we not remember when Beyotche` inserted herself on one of  Justin Timberlake's amazing songs from Future/Sex/Love Sounds...and then NOBODY CARED.
I let all of that slide, but then JiggaToe totally disrespects Amy- someone he has worked with- by using nepotism to its fullest by allowing this to happen!
You know what Amy would say if JiggaToe informed her about this? *ahem* (in my best cockney accent) What are you fuckin' full of bollocks?! No! Fuck off! (then she'd take a sip of her drink and ask what they were talking about again...then she'd repeat that same sentence)

Again, I hope Amy's spirit is armed with dirty blow darts and haunts the studio where this recording is going  down.

....I have to get rid of this stress headache.