Wednesday, September 29, 2010

The Place Where I Work: You Can't Do It!

There are few things in life I cannot be outdone: my voracious hatred (which can turn to love depending on if you suck), my ability to turn ANY situation into something pervy and obscene, and my sexual harassment capabilities.
It is not something I am proud of but it is something I am good at- don’t even BEGIN to think you can out sexually harass me. Just cannot be done. Okay, I draw the line at straight grabbing shaft because that is too easy. You have to mentally breakdown your prey…or whomever you happen to be sexually harassing at the moment.
You have to make your prey feel like there is NO ONE else in the world you’d rather be harassing, you have to make them feel pretty.

There is this dude who consistently harass/flirts with me in the café- we seem to take lunch at the same time most of the time. Am going to call him Pudding Man because his skin is like chocolate pudding…just lovely and looks smooth n’ delicious. He has eye fucked me so many times it’s a wonder I am not sore and preggers. I let him live because he is cute and that friggin’ skin! So today he is in his usual pocket-pool stance when he see’s me. He then walks almost a lil too close behind me and says: something smells good. I mention the food and he says he isn’t talking about the food. Nice. I like how consistent he is.
One of today’s specials was arroz con pollo, he says he wants white meat-which caused the lone female cook who has the complexion of a Hershey's Special Dark bar to say:hey what about me? We all laugh and then he looks at me and asks what I’m ordering, to kill two birds with one stone (harass and place food order) I say I am getting the arroz con pollo as well…but I like my meat dark. I looked him dead in his eyes as I said that. This caused an INTENSE game of pocket-pool for him and the tall handsome Jew who was slowly coming into my web-who had been laughing at all the meat comments- to blush. I wanted to let him know I like white meat too but just had to prove a point- plus sorry, dark meat is wayyy juicier!
Am sure after thoroughly soiling his Express Mens slacks, Pudding Man thought long n’ hard (HA!) about his next move. I hope this doesn’t involve him placing his cock on a platter surrounded by rice, beans and plantains. I am not hoping too hard.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

The Place Where I Work: Gentle Sliding and Gliding

Clark Kent (aka the guard who looks like Clark Kent except he isn't wearing his glasses so he just looks like a dude) totally wants to slide his shaft betwixt my ample thighs whilst nibbling on an earlobe.
I know this because of the way he looks at me now. This morning I thought it was about the new hair or the fact that I didn't spill coffee on myself after he said 'good morning' to me, but after seeing him again this afternoon I know it's about him wanting to manhandle my lady parts.
It was in the way his eyes held my gaze, and the smile that slowly formed on his lips. There was a flicker in his brown orbs of sight...and then when he mouthed: I want to put it in.
He didn't do that...though he may as well have.
I don't know what this all means for me and my often neglected lady parts but I refuse to give it much thought till we are hemmed up in a broom closet somewhere or at the Waldorf (for the day) because I'm classy and he's showing me why he's the man of steel!

Monday, September 27, 2010

New Term: Outho'd

Outho'ing oneself is a fierce epidemic that is spreading across the land! What does it mean?? I can give a few examples and then you can ask yourself: have I outho'd myself today?

A lil bit o' ho helps depending on the situation- that is for the non ho-like individual. Basically a chick just getting by wearing clothes that look nice for any occasion or a dude who isn't trying to stick it in anything with a hole. People you can leave your significant others alone in a room and know nothing will happen. These people are fun and clever, and genuinely fun to be around.
An example: me! :)

Then there are the people that are proud card carrying ho's. We all have different definitions of what makes a ho,but basically anyone who is all about fucking strangers in bathrooms and wearing 100% lycra 24/7- you've got a lot of ho in you. And that's okay. Am sure you have your lil bit o' ho moments but mostly you don't give a fuck and let the ho take over. That's cool too.
Even though you don't give a fuck there are times when you're even shocked by your ho capabilities and you say to yourself: damn, I have truly out ho'd myself.
Some examples:

- you wake up (of course not knowing where you are) and you have what you believe are 5 different tastes of ejac in your mouth.

- you've decided that your underwear IS a part of your outerwear

- skrippers (these are the down for whateva chicks, strippers have limits)/douchebags/random asshats can't even meet your eye

- your mom doesn't acknowledge you in public

...there are plenty more, but you get my drift. This stroke of genius came to me when I saw pics from Rihanna's latest video shoot where she has on the TIGHTEST short shorts ever with her spanx showing (see pic above). Here is a chick who wears bathing suits and heels to red carpet events yet she found a way to outho herself. Takes ingenuity and some would say reckless abandon.

Friday, September 24, 2010

Gunn's Golden Rules

Recently I read Gunn’s Golden Rules: Life’s Little Lessons for Making It Work by Tim Gunn. I read it because I enjoy Tim Gunn. You know how I can sense when a person sucks-well it works both ways, I can sense when a person it legit as well. Tim seems extremely legit and reading this book proved it. It also proved that he and I are meant to be soul mate bff’s.
Tim talks about being mostly a loner and selectively social. He tells tales of his time as a teacher, struggling artist in New York City-to being on Project Runway and how that all came about. He does it under the guise of a rule book for people who don’t think integrity is a foreign concept-along with the rules he tells behind the scenes things that will give you insight to how many people are assholes out there. I worked in fashion for a lil bit and can say that most people are jackasses-but no more than 'regular' life. When I felt myself becoming a jackass I got out!
Anywho, Tim touched on two things I am either passionate about or am working on, they are integrity and forgiveness.
I am in constant amazement at the pride people take in being meaningless and assholes- Tim can’t believe it either. Everyone wants something for nothing and think that hot looks and designer labels make you better. It’s all sickening. I don’t need to dwell on this- I think my blog dwells on my lack of love for people like this but it was good to hear someone else (besides my close people) say it. Tim notices this surge of fuckery and gets it first hand because they want to use him to get into fashion or just be famous. Tim and I both have no time for this shit which is why he digs the loner tip. I like hanging alone but thankfully have some great people I don’t mind hanging with as well. People who prove that not everyone is a jackass (Tim has those people too, but he really enjoys his own company).
Forgiveness is something I dabble in. Like I really try to forgive and forget but that shit is TOUGH, yo. I don’t walk around all bitter, but when my feelings have truly been hurt it's hard for me to be like ‘OKAYYY! (with a smile)’. Don’t get me wrong, I can let ish slide and be civil, but I never truly forgive. That shit lingers in my mind and I don’t believe in people changing much. I think agenda’s change-maybe priorities, but people truly don’t change…especially when they are schmucks.
Alas, Tim talks about his shitty relationship with his dad and how he worked hard to forgive him-and then his dad (postmortem) did something so wonderful that Tim was glad he’d come to terms with him and forgave him. His dad showed that you think you know someone-especially for the worst-but they can actually be good people, just misunderstood. This really caused me to reevaluate a lot of things and situations. It won’t be an overnight process but I am getting over myself and putting in my head that true forgiveness is freeing…and possibly better for the spirit.
One of the things Tim’s dad had a hard time with was his sexuality. For the first time Tim Gunn talks about his homosexuality…and his (possible) asexuality- I don't think he is really, he just doesn’t feel he is a sexual person and has literally had one lover in his life. He was so hurt by this lover that he could never bring himself to go there with many. I totally feel Tim on this because I too am not out there sexually- don’t get me wrong, I am a sexual person-but I am not having nearly as much sexy time as I should be. I also don’t put myself out there a lot because of the hassle, dislike of most things involving people and I’d rather just be alone than dealing with lame dudes. I make efforts-sometimes-but mostly I don’t. It’s not like cool dudes don’t like me, it’s that I am aloof or too busy liking dudes who don’t like me. Such is life.
Anyways, this book made my heart smile. I loved it and it totally reinforces that hard work and being a GOOD person can still get you far in life. I intend on continuing on this path. Also, I intend on emailing Tim Gunn to see if he’d like to meet for tea some time.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

The Place Where I Work: We Don't Gossip, We Chat

Lauren and I are not gossipers but we do have some funny conversations about people- remember Lauren and I worked together years ago at Hell aka an architecture firm that seemed like the 4th ring of Hell. We know we can chat with each other comfortably with no agenda’s or anything getting back to anyone.
Since Lauren has been here longer than I, she knows a lot more about people and situations- not because she wants to, just because peeps tell her things. Must admit she does look very trusting.
Anywho, she totally blew my mind today…TWICE.

First with another interesting fact about the OLD dude with the standing office- because he wants to slow aging (he is OLLLLD) and keep his svelte shape (he is OLLLLD)- turns out he also wears pantyhose to keep his bod smooth and controlled. Yep.
Then she totally had me speechless with this next thing. Speechless to the point that there were tears in my eyes because of alllll the emotion I was holding in but couldn’t express. Sit down.
Lauren doesn’t think too highly of Baby Arm Me (see I knew I was right about her) she says she is gossipy and kinda mean. For some reason though, Baby Arm Me goes out of her way to chat with Lauren. She even told her about the time she worked at a hair salon. THAT is what had me speechless. Lauren says she stared at her a long while- her baby arm is non-funtional so she really has one arm. Baby Arm Me worked at a hair salon. This will have me feeling a certain way for the rest of the week because something tells me she wasn’t just answering phones…
Baby Arm Me also assumed Lauren was a BIG weed head- Lauren looks more dreamy pretty than stoned (HA!). Lauren let Baby Arm Me know that she is not a stoner- Baby Arm Me was shocked because SHE is a BIG weed head and was looking for tips on passing the drug test.
Just keeps getting better.

In other news, I did not have sex with Clark Kent (yet) but hope is still alive.

Monday, September 20, 2010

The Place Where I Work: Don't Tell Lois Lane...

This might be a TWO BLOG DAY! Woah. Mostly because I am bloggin’ so early, and also there may be a chance I’ll be boning Clark Kent some time during the work hours!!
Monday’s usually aren’t this exciting for me since I am focused on staying awake and wondering what the fuck I’m wearing. Like today, it seemed like a good idea to bust out the new grey tie-ups (shoes), a greenish dress, grey sweater and black peep hole stockings…then I have it on and I feel I look like I wandered too far from the boutique I work at in Park Slope…or maybe the day care center I work at in Park Slope. In my sleepy mind’s eye I look very Anthropologie-in reality, not so much. This all has nothing to do with me boning CK- so there I am entering the building with my usual coffee and faraway stare. Usually my papi’s greet me. One’s older and the other …isn’t. Today it was just the older papi AND CLARK KENT. It was too early for that shit!
My Older Papi –now it’s his name- greets me and we chat n’ do our usual shit talk. He always tells me I am too pretty to work here and I always agree- then there is Clark Kent. He smiles, says hi- and is BLUSHING when he adds, “ You are too pretty to work here, but I’m glad I get to see you most days.” I believe I sipped my coffee. I then stare at him a bit and said, “Oh…”
No ‘thank you’ or ‘let us find a quite spot to festively bone’. NO. Just ‘oh’. He was nervous, I was an asshat…and then I just walked away. This was when I bumped into Baby Arm Me and I’m thinking: this just keeps getting better.
Baby Arm Me seems happy to see me and is chatty. I am still in shock about CK so I seem frightfully giddy as well- with the prospect of the boning.
We’ll see how this all plays out….

Thursday, September 16, 2010

The Place Where I Work: More Drama For Your Mama

There is one cashier that works in the mini café (compared to the massive one that is many floors down from me) that I go to on the regular- especially since my peeps haven’t made the mistake of ignoring my hungry ass. My name for her is Hermanda. The name isn’t significant as much as it rolls nicely off the tongue AND sounds like a name for a diva on a Telemundo soap opera. Hermanda is sweet…when she wants to be, but mostly she sizes up my outfits and enjoys when I wear my serious heels. She judges when I get a slice a cake, and she enjoys the merits of a lot of eye shadow. I like Hermanda a lot. Hermanda is okay with me but she just adores Taye Diggs- there is a dude who works on my floor that looks EXACTLY like Taye Diggs, height and ALL! This is why I call him Taye Diggs.
Taye Diggs has perused me a few times and given me a knowing smile- a smile that he knows he’d like to sexually harass me in the worst way. I have no interest in Taye because he seems a bit arrogant and is just about boob height to me when I wear my serious heels. Even in flats I am still taller than him. Not cool.
Hermanda really loves Taye Diggs. Like she gets up from around her post to help him select lunch, she stands close and looks lovingly at him as he (annoyingly) goes over each dish weighing the pros n’ cons. Will he have to do extra reps at the gym?
One time while I was waiting to pay because she had been standing with him for 20 minutes, I thought about this thing- Taye and Hermanda- and I realized I liked it. She is equally petite and has dreams (that I made up) of coming from behind the register and starting her own clothing line. Or becoming a hat maker. Or just being a stay-at-home mom for all the children she intends on having with Taye. When she finally decided to acknowledge my presence, I wasn’t pissed or huffy, I smiled a knowing smile and paid not minding that my usual 10mins it takes to get lunch took 25mins due to Hermanda wanting to fuck Taye Diggs by the soup crackers.
Today a love triangle began! There I was making some tea. Taye Diggs rolls in and languishes by the sandwiches that he never gets. Hermanda’s eyes are glowing with anticipation and just as she’s about to get up and join him…Baby Arm Me rolls in and heads straight towards Taye Diggs. She is all smiley and flirty and asking him why he’s been so distant lately. I am LOVING this- also loving how Taye Diggs is squirming further proving that he has boned Baby Arm Me…UNLESS she has been real aggressive and he’s been made to feel uncomfortable by that. Some men like to hunt their prey…
Must’ve felt the HEAT emanating from Hermanda’s eyes-like lasers-because I turned to look at her and she was seething. I was like: oh shit! I must admit I lingered a bit to see if there would be a smack-off but Taye wound up leaving with Baby Arm Me following and giving Hermanda a quick smile. Oh damn!
Will keep you posted as this saga continues.

My work ‘relations’ have been uneventful…or at least consistent. I see Clark Kent and am taken aback by his shaved head. Dear Lord! He is already like 6’3”…with a body like WHAT and now the shaved head! I almost walked into something while dry humping the air when I saw him. When I came back from Starbucks I run into CK again. This time he sees me and says ‘Hello’. I say ‘Hi’, I smile, he smiles and then I trip UP the stairs! I hear him chuckle. He has thrown my swagga ALL OFF!! AHHHHHHHHH!

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

The Place Where I Work: Trimming the Fat

One can tell that many things annoy me about this thing called a job-especially a job that does not fulfill the soul but can afford one some filet o’ sole- HA!
Anyways, the people…the actual work…the train in the morning-all those things lead me to wanting to fill a water gun with either hot sauce or urine and start spraying it at people. BUT NOTHING fills me with more rage than when people are discussing their diets.
I get it. We live in a ‘health conscience’/look like these airbrushed models/celebs society. There is nothing wrong with wanting to look and feel good I just don’t wanna hear about that shit. Especially when I am at work just trying to make it to the next hour without shanking someone. Oh but they gather and discuss all they want to eat but can’t. They judge me when I get a slice of cheesecake. They basically say: I WOULD eat that, but I like myself.
Fuck you. You wanna know why I say: I say it because 10 seconds after they have sufficiently judged and discussed how great they are because they eat cottage cheese n’ shit- they go and smoke a cigarette! REALLY?! It would be in poor taste for me to say: you know, when you’re tubed up in a hospital bed dying of cancer or something, you’ll be drop dead (HA!) thin then.
I won’t say that because I have watched peeps I love die from cancer and it is not something to be snarky about.
This one dude who works here, I’ll call him Mercutio- he’s Latino, gay and pretty judgmental. I truly think Mercutio plans his day around running into me coming from lunch or when I need a (light) frappacino just so he can look at me and shake his head…on his way out to SMOKE A CIGGARETTE. Eff you, Mercutio!
What I will say is that I don’t care to hear about peoples diets and there is a special place in hell for people who speak of dieting n’ loving themselves n’ healthy outlooks and then go smoke a pack of ciggs or do crack or something. Also note, that I am saying outrageously horrible things about you in my head when you judge me for my bacon wrapped Ho Ho’s.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

The Place Where I Work: Annoyed.

Today I am tired-my own fault –which leads to me being annoyed. Things that I can usually just cast a look of disdain at I now find utterly annoying. One of the top things is condescension.
A little more than my utter hatred of White people with ‘dreadlocks’ lies my hatred of condescension. I’m used to it having worked in Corporate America and in my dealings with assholes. When I am not sleepy …and maybe still drunk…I can deal. No sweat off my balls. Am thick skinned and usually pity people who feel the need to act in a condescending manner.
Mr. Burns aka my big Jewish boss who should be home or going home or something today- speaks fluent in Condescending Ass. Condescending Ass should never be confused with Douche Speak- but I digress. Now normally Mr. Burns stays in his lane with me. It may be the looks I throw him or how I ignore him till he speaks to me in human being. Perhaps he feels all refreshed after being in Italy all last week-in any case he was getting it poppin’ today. Most of the time I can never tell how my face is showing someone how much I hate them and wish them to choke on a vat of uncircumcised dicks, but today I could tell.

All I know is an hour later Mr. Burns was all smiling in my face like I wished him a happy new year or something. I didn’t. Though I’ll be less likely to push him into traffic tomorrow after I’ve had an appropriate amount of sleep and have started part 1 of my summer collage on Paint.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

My Summer In One Rap Verse

Like A Hot Dude In Shorts Made of Jeans

*A rap verse written by Me. Think Dre beat circa mid 90’s with Nate Dogg singing the hook.*

It was the summer time and my moccasins were fresh like a Corona with a lime
I was making that paper working part-time
Wearing cotton sundresses so my labia could breathe- I couldn’t conceive wearing anything tight
Though I got some jeggin’s to let dudes know it’s all chocha not a dick in sight-
Oh me oh my, look at what’s before my eyes
Broad shouldered, shaved head dude, eyes the color of night
Then I look down to see which way he leaned and that’s when I saw he was wearing shorts made of jeans…

Chorus: Coulda been a baby daddy/ Woulda let you fingerbang me
Like A.Keys and Swizz Beats we coulda been happy
Why you gotta be so mean…wearin’ shorts made of jeans.
Jeans. Short made of jeans (repeat 2x’s)

Be on the look out for My Summer in a 2 part collage. Will be pretty epic.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Just One of Those Days....

.... due to lack of sleep- which is completely my fault, I feel like Eve aka a pitbull in skirt. Just grumpy, willing to bite (in a bad way) and just wanting to lay out in the sun and sleep...more likely in air conditioning though. It is a lil warm out.
So that is my day. Me as a pitbull in a skirt.
I'm growling too.