Sunday, November 27, 2011

As The Online Dating World Turns: Acceptance

I sit here full of good cheer and oyster stuffing, and feeling rather reflective. A month ago I decided to sign back onto online dating because...why not?
We know my reasoning involves: me sharing my fabulousness with someone deserving and special, answering the age old question of why I am single, putting myself out there because I'd rather not, AND excellent blogging material.
This time would be different and less 'ride or die' because I have accepted that I may never marry or have kids and that is OKAY. NOT everyone is meant to do it and it won't make my life any less fulfilling- I am NOT saying that I don't want these things, but I just won't beat myself up about it or feel a certain way.
I'll allow others to feel a certain way, and they will, and I will choose not to give a fuck.

In any case, I am back online. Of course, the first week I am bamboozled by weirdos, maybe 1 guy with potential. We emailed a few times and then nothing. I figured he has seen my amazing personality and my...um, BEAUTY...so he should suggest a hang out or something.
Very traditional for me, I know, but I am feeling lazy and just like...whatevs. Plus, let him ask...he'll feel better about it.
So this became a trend. Dudes and I just writing..or saying a few choice things- that's if I responded. You see, I learned to NOT respond if the dude was creepy, disgusting or seemed like he dipped his shaved ballsac in Aramis cologne.
Not responding will keep me from shutting down my account and therefore having my friends look at me with knowing looks- knowing that I should maybe turn to an aggressive lesbot.
Then I started getting messages from dudes who were like: I know you wouldn't be into me, but I had to write you anyway because you seem great and are so good looking.
Really?! That is not attractive! Also, you won't make me question my shallowness or prove that I am some great person by chatting with you.
Let's be real- I am a profound asshole, a great person, but an asshole with nothing to prove! So no, I will not message you back out of sympathy. Fuck it. I have no time for bitches!

As you can see, this will be a very interesting winter.

Monday, November 14, 2011

Conversations with Ice: Occupy My Vagina





So Ice T (my friend in my head) and I decide to go check out Occupy Wall Street-the smells, the people, the movement. Mostly we went to point and laugh...and have Ice play-pretend he's (Detective) Finn and try to arrest peeps.
After chit chatting with Russell Simmons- who was scouting for some unseen talent i.e. model looking females, and grabbing croissant sandwiches at Au Bon Pain with Kanye Wes, Ice then came up with an idea...


Ice T: T...stop mumbling 'hippie' and kicking at people- I wanna propose something-

Me: Woah, Ice...aren't you 'n Coco like 20 years strong?

Ice T: Calm down, homewrecker. I wanna propose something for you and your underused, overly promoted vagina-

Me: Dayum Ice, why you thinkin' about my pooonaaaniii?

Ice T: Please don't ever say that word again. Listen, I am just looking out for a friend-I mean look at this Occupy Wall Street thing. Bunch of people not really saying or doing anything, just hanging around. Maybe marching....basically a bunch of white people trying to bring the 60's back-

Me: Like sexy back?

Ice T: See, this is what I mean- you have that white appeal...and your moist vaginal years are few n' far between-

Me: Now you never say 'vaginal' again!

Ice T:
What I'm saying is we start a movement- we Occupy Your Vagina. I think you're worth protests-

Me: Wait...so you want various people sleeping in...my...vagina?

Ice T: I'm just saying you should have a vagina movement.

Me: So...my vag is like the 1%...which is true-

Ice T: Shit, this is going to get complicated.

Me: It IS complicated hence why my vag is unoccupied. (we hi-5)

Ice T: Nice one.

Me: Thanks for thinking about me and sugar walls, but I think it's going to be okay.

Ice T: There's always, Kanye...

Me: Well when my vagina turns into a dick, then yes, there is always Kanye! (we hi-5 again)

Ice T: You're on fire- and one day your vagina will be-

Me: Damn Ice. Way to ruin a moment.

Ice T: I think I said vagina too much. Let's stop and go tell Kanye how great his clothing line is!

Me: Yes. Imma tell him all my friends who drag LOVE it! (we hi-5 and then break out into a Kid N' Play style dance move)

Me: Wait I just thought of something-you ARE the solution to my cold coochie problem-

Ice T: Woah, T...I mean you're great but I'm married-

Me: Ice! I am talking about your fine ass blasian son!

Ice T: Fall back, T.

Me: He's young. Tender. Blasian.

Ice T: My son.

Me: You like me. I'm great. How great will it be?! He won't need to jack off in movie theaters...

Ice T: Let's go find Kanye.

Me: But Ice...come on...Ice...Ice...Daddy In Law....Grandpa...Ice?!...

The End.

Saturday, November 12, 2011

Dicked. Down.

Usually when a woman as sexy and amazing as myself goes 'missing' both physically and mentally, people usually think it involves getting deeply dicked.
This is ME though, so that is sadly not the case.
It's not that I can't get it, it just has to be right and not creepy, bitch-made, an asshat, typical dick, etc.
...anyways, my absence stems from just A LOT OF SHIT going on all at once. Since stress isn't healthy and I was feeling stresses I decided to take stock of my situation. Why am I feeling overwhelmed, what would have to be eliminated or am I just being a flaky twat (which if you think about it is really gross).

Though I needed to sac up and get my shit done on my terms, I also needed to place less importance in certain people.
I have this thing- you may have noticed it with the dudes I like. You know the dudes who could really give a FUCK about me. It's not my low self esteem that causes me to like these champs (sarcasm for dumbasses), it's my lack of knowing what I want or thinking I want something that really isn't the case- meaning I let my imagination create the fine idea of these dudes instead of who they are in reality. Which isn't always fuckable.
I kinda do the same thing with people, even ones who aren't dumbasses. I place importance in them or situations when they could really give a fuck. Sometimes they don't even like me but keep me around because I am awesome- which I can understand because I am awesome, but dude come on. I have like many people who are awesome and I am awesome and we are awesome together so fuck you. That is you in the plural.

All this 'adjusting' has led to me not writing ANYTHING but blurbs. I have literally tried to write awesome blogs but could only get 2 sentences out.
Sad times....

A few things I am working on and need to share-

holiday seasonal thoughts!

am back on to online dating!

I have given someone one of my funny nicknames where they don't know I call them this and now I cannot remember their real name!

WALKING DEAD!

Epiphany crush where I realized that I have had a crush on someone for years but never realized it till like 3 months ago.

I turned to B one day and said that I was still sad about Amy Winehouse being dead. Like a deep sadness.

My cat (not my vagina) has been sick and it has almost been too much.

There is a psychology to being thinner-and I wasn't obese and didn't even know how overweight I was till I lost weight. Crazy times.


...and much more! Have a lot of catching up to do. Also, during a long walk today I had some amazing writing ideas.

Guess who's bizzack!!

Tuesday, November 1, 2011