Wednesday, December 30, 2009

The Place Where I Work: Ego's and Erotica

Where do I begin?
You would think with it being a slow work week that I wouldn’t blog about work. I would write a reflectively deep passage about this past year. Life. Where I am headed. How my soul is coming to terms with me listening to Lil Wayne-in small doses.
Quiet and slow leads to people being bored and feeling the need chat. Chatting leads to revelations and me wanting a camera crew here-no laugh track needed.
….remember when I felt Drake was being hot n’ cold, well there was a reason for that. The obvious being that he wants to slide more than his tip in…repeatedly. Also, he found out that the ladies and I went for drinks and he wasn’t invited. I was like dude quit acting like a chick. I then added that I was about to invite him, but forgot.
He forgave me and now we are bosom buddies. Young Drake was like an unopened bottle of Cristal and I came along and shook him up…opened him and he exploded everywhere-meaning that I unleashed his personality. Well, not really, it’s just that he feels he can open up to me. He finds me to be genuine and non-gossipy; FINALLY someone has looked in my eyes and sees that I could give a fuck. Really. Anyways, he likes that and now does impressions of coworkers for me and he tells me his dreams. He also plays along which is important to me in my friendships…even work ones.
One day B saw us together and gave me a look. It was basically like: holllly shit, he’s about to put.it.in.
She asked where we were coming from and I said we had just finished making love, Drake nodded and shrugged like it was so-so. B then approved of him and deems him worthy of an after work cocktail.
…then last night Drake wanted to take the train home or at least partially. I danced around an answer and wound up leaving with B. I mean its understandable talking to me for any length of time makes dudes wanna ‘take the lil man from inside the boat’...as Phife once said.
In the world outside of my head…you know the REAL world, Drake just wanted a lil train company.
Ah, the ego.
If I feel Drake starting to slip away I will have to enlist the help of Darlin’ Nikki. Darlin’ Nikki has been at this company for a bit and thinks herself a ‘queen bee’. I am calling her Darlin’ Nikki because underneath her corporate know-it-all, I am a mom/grandma exterior, there’s a FREAK. This woman has a lovah. Not a boyfriend. A lovah! A lovah with whom she exchanges erotic poetry with.
Yes, erotic poetry.
How do I know this? Well, B says that one day Darlin’ Nikki asked her if she could think of something that rhymed with deep throat. B probably turned many shades of red and went into that state of where you hear someone, but you don’t because you don’t wanna hear them. When B inquired as to why she needed to rhyme something with deep throat, DN tells her about her lovah and how they do. Being a perv, I told B that DN could do no wrong no matter how bitchy she is to everyone.
Anywho, I guess DN was flustered that day and accidently sent our boss the poem she wrote about deep throating.
Yes.
Then today, B says that DN was working on a new poem. Here’s what she had so far: *ahem*

"All down her throat, his cock was sliding and gliding."

There’s not much I can say after that. So, I am going to end this here…and add that I WISH I was making this stuff up.

Monday, December 28, 2009

The Place Where I Work: 15 Step Huxtable Moments

Post holiday and all is well.
The great thing about Christmas besides family, food and gifts (not just material either)…is that it brings you steps closer to a NEW YEAR. A clean slate. A time to get on the good foot…or try at least.
It’s a pretty significant end of year being that it’s the end of a DECADE. WTF?! Another decade gone, and what a time it was. Can’t believe 10 years ago I graduated from college and entered the shallow, party filled world of fashion (then left). Woah.
Anyways, I feel that 2010 is going to be big. That 2009 was just baby steps leading to the real deal! I spent a lot of this year beating myself up for not being where I felt I should be and thinking myself a failure.
This year, tough lessons were re-learned, mostly about contentment-not complacency AND how to BE ABOUT IT. We all know I can talk about it, now its time to shut the eff up and BE ABOUT IT. Found this whole inner peace thing because I know that I am the one that is steering this ship…
Okay, new age T over n’ out…

Lemme tell you about my holiday Huxtable moment.
Huxtable as in The Cosby Show AKA the Black family that showed peeps that Black people can be educated, wealthy and silly (not all we Black and are very serious abot this). Anywho, I had this grand idea to get my bro an iTouch because he is tech savvy, but doesn’t want to be the douche with an iPhone. He and I have these ‘keepin’ it really real’ phones that are good for phone calls and texts. Please note: I don’t think everyone who owns an iPhone is a douche, some of my favorite peeps have one, am just saying that he and I would feel douche-y if we had one.
So, I get my bro the iTouch thinking that he’ll learn all the tricks and teach me when I get mine later- we both HATE reading instructions. I figured (whenever I got it) I would hand him mine and he would hook it up. Well, because we are made from good stock- he got me an iTouch too. We both did an iTouch dance and I am putting together a photo montage of us iTouch’in- woah.
It felt like something Theo and Denise (Huxtable) would do. I mean it was sitcom-y because he opened his first, and I tried to disguise it and say it was cologne. When he saw the box he was all like- uhhhhhhhhhhhh and I was all hurt…not knowing that he knew the Apple wrapping because he got me the same thing. So I was all hurt thinking he hated the gift when really he loved it and was uhhhh because he has to deal with the fact that we’re a lot a like...meaning he is more of an insane asshole than he thought. Awww.

I am expecting this work week to be like last week. Quiet. Uneventful. Full of me not doing things I should, not taking advantage of the quiet times. Today was just Blair n’ I being crazy. B came over to add her brand of hilarious insanity to the mix. Drake is real hot n’ cold. One minute we’re cool, the next it’s like I stole his bike. Whatevs Drake. What kills me is that I get all upset (not really) because I think myself to be consistent with people. Slowly I’ve come to realize that I have my shady moments. Not intentional though. I just get deep in thought or I am staring off into space thinking about a trip to Puerto Rico- yeah that’s happening. Its cold, people. Cold and babygirl (me) needs some sun on that ass. I thought about doing a euro-tour, which would involve Spain, France and London…but have decided I want to move (and Europe is expensive, yo). It could be to either of those places or just somewhere in Brooklyn. Who knows? Anything is possible really and I’ve been wanting to live abroad for a minute. Why not now??
Okay the HIGHLITE of the day was when Blair was telling me how creepy I am. I was bored so I was facebook stalking the brother of this dude. The dude’s bro is HOT. Young, but HOT.

Blair: You know you’re being really creepy, right?

Me: I am just looking at his pics. He is hot.

Blair: Do you know anything about him?

Me: No. Just know he’s hot. It’s all superficial. Maybe I should write my friend and ask about his bro…

Blair: OMG! That is so creepy. What are you gonna say? ‘hey I like your brother and I facebook stalk him, hook-it-up, please.’

Me: I wouldn’t say please.

*during a silence where Blair is staring at me to see if I am serious, this dude walks by that I hate on sight. he doesn’t have a perm, but he looks like an ex. the guy is really nice though, so I refrain from hating hardcore.*

Blair: You are soooooo creepy.

Me: Dude, you’ve been working with me for how long-you should know how creepy I am!

*the dude I am refraining from hating hears this and laughs, he says it’s good to know…that I am a creep*

…speaking of Radiohead references. I’ve been listening to 15 Step on REPEAT (via the new iTouch). Me thinks the song shall be the theme for the beginning of the year.

To my reader, I hope the holidays were FANTASTIC and the New Year brings nothing but the best-and if it’s not always the best, a great lesson is learned.:)

Thursday, December 24, 2009

The Place Where I Work: Things To Do

Things I should’ve been doing during this holiday induced quiet time in the office:

-writing/sending out Christmas/New Year cards

-writing another chapter

-procuring Mariah Carey NYE show tickets

-contemplating ‘snow boots plan B’

-reading up on the newly passed Health Care Bill

-figuring out the REAL reason behind the Sarandon/Robbins split

-deciding on which dessert to make for NYE pre-game parties since I most likely will not be with MC-awww

-send Drake on fact finding mission: to see if the HEAD HONCHO drinks from a goblet made of gold, diamonds and baby skin.

-start reading the book I’ve been waiting to start for like 2 weeks now…The Likeness by Tana French. It’s the follow-up to In the Woods, which I finished a little bit ago. Have been on EDGE about this.

-planning out birthday and Christmas gifts for peeps in January

Things I actually accomplished during this holiday induced quiet time in the office:

-gave one Christmas card out to my Morning Starbucks Crew because they rock my world. Have stared at the rest of my Christmas cards and think I’ll have an early go next year…hopefully.

-if ‘writing a chapter’ meant staring at celeb gossip sites, reading New York Times online and looking at Facebook, then I’ve been writing a heck of another chapter.

-there’s still hope for Mariah and I, may get tickets next week, but then again hanging with peeps and drinking a bottle of Veuve in Prospect Park may be what’s up. Being anywhere in Manhattan on NYE is the equivalent of me anywhere near Beyonce’s sweaty leotard post-show. Disgusting and disturbing.

-a trip to Sephora to procure more products and my birthday gift that I never picked up! Merry Christmas to me!

-staring openly and blatantly into space

-watching the clock

-eating free lunch, and ate it like I had never been fed before. All this sitting around makes me ravenous.

-searching for a fuzzy winter hat

-contemplating what to make for Christmas dinner

-Sherlock Holmes this weekend? I think so, Watson.

-literally watching clock

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

The Place Where I Work: Bi-Polar Alcoholic

Today was a better day. Felt more like myself, less hung over party girl. Drake now has it in his mind that I am a party girl. I tell him I am not. Most of the time I am mad corny yo-which means I am home or at a friends house making dinner remembering when I was cooler and went to ALL the parties.
Now, not so much.
I think I felt horrible because I drank outside my box-pause. Forgot to mention Friday night when I was drinking brandy- seemed like a winter time elixir. I don’t drink brandy EVER. I hardly drink EVER. Damn the holidays, and the Irish pubs and feeling festive. Will not damn DJ Ryan (amazing) at the Irish pub who basically let me DJ, but surprised me with Warren G’s Regulators followed by Coolio’s Gangsta’s Paradise. This pleased me so much…I think I drank more brandy.

Enough about my bi-polar alcoholism. We must discuss my really nonchalant approach to this holiday season. Like really. Like all gifts being bought tomorrow. Except for those being bought in January when I see more peeps. Wow.- This reminds me of B, Bollocks n' my soul stirring rendition of Mariah Carey’s All I Want For Christmas. It was pretty fantastic and was the main reason DJ Ryan didn’t mind a lil Kaluha (sp) in his Bailey’s- wink, wink. Actually…that would be kinda gross.

Anywho, it's kinda quiet this holiday week so I've been doing a lot of writing and having life convo's with Drake. We discussed him being from the Upper West Side and me being from Brooklyn. He deemed me okay and said it explained my chill demeanor. I said him being from UWS explained why I wanted to kick him repeatedly. He liked that. I then mentioned heading to lunch. He wondered why I was going to sit and eat alone. I said I like eating alone. He called me a weirdo. I say he needs to be comfortable in his skin and grow-a-pair.
Drake looks at me a while, and I go to lunch and happily eat alone.

Monday, December 21, 2009

Woah.

Woah sums up just about everything right now. Work. Life. The muscles in my legs. My ability to NOT lay my head on my desk.
I want to so very badly. This sounds like a Typical Monday, but its more because I did a lot of no-no's on Saturday- that were worth it in the end, but still shouldn't have done.

No-no#1: Should've eaten more than one meal.
No-no#2: Should not have drunken ginger martini with only meal of the day.
No-no#3: Should have looked outside after dinner and decided to head back home to Brooklyn, and not have stayed out till about 4AM when the snow was way higher.
No-no#4: Smart enough to not drink tequila at the tequila den(somebody would've gotten punched), but then not smart enough to say no to whiskey shot and then vodka shot...after drinking 3 ciders.
no-no#5: Waiting for the last minute to grab snow boots, not finding them and wearing beloved fringed Uggs which became casualties in STORM 2009!!! *le sigh*

So, Monday has been about recovery and quiet reflection. I've been humorless, and pretty much have the personality of a pen. I look good though. Looking good is half the battle. The other half-which matters more- is FEELING GOOD. Though my feeling like crap mostly, is my fault, mentally and emotionally I feel good. Long, silent walks in the snow are ways to get your shit in order.
I started out all 'eff that and eff this' and came to remember that when you allow certain things, don't be mad when they happen. Like allowing myself to party during a snowstorm, or not eat, or like dudes that like attention, but not me.
So I can't get all mad, unless its at myself...which I do, but I loves me and I make up by having dudes fetch me muffins, and by wearing knit dresses that keep me warm and show my womanlynutricious physique.

Sorry this is not at all work related, but I was not an active participant in the day-EXCEPT for discussing B's life as an amputee. She has amazing insurance and thinks if she were to lose her arms, life might not suck so much. Also, may have gotten Drake to have a 'burger & martini' party which will involve less martini and more me and his meat. Hmmmm. I told him to invite everyone though.

Honey T's brain is over and out...for now.

Friday, December 18, 2009

The Place Where I Work: Caught A Case...

The day started with me realizing that Christmas is next week and I haven’t bought ANY gifts-yet. I’ve thought about it, went to check things out…but haven’t actually made any purchases. Then I remembered ‘this is ME’, and I know I am a last minute shopper! The important thing is I have a plan. I know exactly what I have to get, and the gifts are quite spectacular-which is pretty exciting.
Needless to say, I was in a good mood. Surprising right? A selfish, self centered grump who’s soooo into gift giving-I’m complex.
Don’t recall the exact time, but I know it was after I received ANOTHER free crème brulee` latte` from my Starbucks crew …and perhaps right before lunch-but I caught a fierce case of BITCH. Just hated everyone and everything. Anything that came out of my mouth was wretched, and I was unapologetic for it. Thought that this case of BITCH could be cured by me getting the snow boots I am OBSESSED with, but that didn’t happen so the bitch factor increased. I love when I don’t have the money or am not fully interested, I see the boots EVERYWHERE-and once I want them. Poof, they’re gone. Kinda like dudes who were at the top of my list of hate-just cause.
Drake was friendly, Blair was her usual spicy self- and then there was me. Eventually I started to feel bad that I was just so evil, and maybe apologized once.
Still have no clue what set me off, but think it has something to do with a thought. I know, GENIUS, right? Tend to do my best reflecting while doing work because what I do doesn’t require much thought. Me thinks I am having a delayed reaction to a situation-anyways I’m over it. Ready to be back to my easy going INSANE self.
Remember, its happy hour with the work peeps tonight!!
Do not worry about Drake and I (having too many drinks and then bonin’) because: 1) he isn’t coming and 2) I don’t shit where I eat.
I talk a lot of shit (come on, don’t act brand new), but when it comes down to it, I am not down with work relations. If he were my soul mate-well that’s just some shit you can’t fight, but I’ve been there and done that. When I was younger and still thought some dude would sweep me off my feet, I dabbled in office dating. It was a BAD IDEA. Pretty much ended with me leaving the job and dude stalking me. Not as fun as it sounds.
Though I mention Drake daily, once I leave the office he doesn’t cross my mind. Hence, him not being a soul mate…though he did tell me to turn my frown upside down-which was extremely corny, but cool because of that fact.
OH, you know what may have also set me off? I saw CloseUp first thing in the morning- well not saw, but had a conversation. Having a conversation with CloseUp (any time of day) is like moving your mouth and no sound comes out. B and I often bitch about how she does this thing where she’ll ask you a question- like hey, did you see that Bones episode where Cam n’ Bones went speed dating (never happened, but would be AWESOME)? And you reply, yes I did and I loved the part where the taxidermist said he wanted to mount Bones. She’ll then look at you and say, well in the episode the girls go speed dating and there was this awesome scene where this taxidermist says he wants to mount Bones.
See how frustrating that could be?! She does it consistently…hopefully the tequila will alleviate my need to stab.
….but what this is ME and TEQUILA! Better stick with vodka.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

The Place Where I Work: Meat Palace

In today’s episode of: Meat Palace, we meet me. An unknowing participant in the days antics which include: meat, magic, pornographic facial hair, Smooth magazine, and high octane trance-including a pleasurable remix to Estelle’s hit, American Boy.

The day of amazement and meat began with House of Pain and Blair both being shocked at how chummy Drake and I are.

House of Pain: (exclaims) He made an effort to say hello to YOU.

Blair: Wow. I’m impressed!

House of Pain: You’ve got the magic touch girl-

Me: No, I’ve got a magical cooch.

…and scene! They look at me, shake their heads and resume pretending to work.
After a bit, a dude I call Pornstache (in my head) walks by. He and I don’t interact; we only smile at each other because he catches me staring at his porn-like moustache. I think about some mid tempo music playing. Pornstache is holding a pizza when- B interrupts my thoughts with a severe need to have Burger n’ Bitches Fridays moved to Gimme Meat Now Thursdays!!
So we went to GoodBurger today instead of tomorrow. B and I did our usual. Eat delicious burgers, talk about the important things in life and then dance it out to amazing trance remixes.
It was the norm, till HE walked in. A few weeks ago B met her American Psycho Killer-Lover…and today I met mine. I only noticed him because he looked INSANE. His head was tilted down, but he was lifting his eyebrows up, facing forward with a De Niro ‘you tawkin’ to me’ look. He walked with this swagger that could’ve been HOT if he wasn’t so…INSANE. I mean, it didn’t look like it fit HIM. In his pressed slacks, side part and ‘gee-golly-wow’ boyish face. He looked like his name was Pete-and he sometimes went by Petey and he worked the trade floor at JP Morgan.
Anywho, I was intrigued. I proceeded to stare at him and he proceeded to like it. Lifting one eyebrow at a time. Looking at me and lifting one eyebrow. The whole time B kept whispering: he’s going to KILL you. I said: I know…but I was just so intrigued by this brand of insanity. B and I get ready to leave, and I ask if I can say hi to him. She says no. Then as I zip up my coat, HE PULLS OUT A SMOOTH (AKA the Black man’s Playboy) MAGAZINE…as if this was going to be his lunchtime read as he ate!

Me: (in a slightly escalated whisper) B! B! He just pulled out a Smooth magazine!! I LOVE HIM!! Do you know what Smooth maga-

B: YES! I know what Smooth magazine is. We have to go. He is going to kill you.

Me: But…but don’t you understand. We are SOUL MATES! (he then turns to look at me and smirks) See!

B: Oh my God! We have to go!

Me: Can I leave him my number?

B: No! Come on!

…Sadly, we leave. All the way back to work I keep trying to find ways to go back to m’boo. Also, had to check in with B to see if THAT REALLY HAPPENED!!!
It did.
I get back from lunch to a chatty Drake. Of course my indifference adds to his sudden lust.

Drake: How was lunch?

Me: Good. Had a burger. How were those Smith & Wollensky sammiches?

Drake: (he shrugs) Not as good as a burger. Did you go to *mentions place that if I name you’ll be closer to figuring out where I work*?

Me: Nope, GoodBurger.

Drake: So you spent 14 dollars on a burger when you could’ve gone to *place that shall go unnamed* and had a good burger at a reasonable price?

Me: I’m a complicated woman. Also, it gives you a chance to take me to *place that shall go unnamed, but be the beginning of Drake and I bonin’ on the regs* so that I can see what all the fuss is about.

Drake: Yeah…

Me: Have you been to Burger Heaven?

Drake: No, how is it?

Me: Not good AND expensive.

Drake: Figures.

Me: Now Five Guys. That cheeseburger with grilled onions will change.your.life.

Drake: Well you can take me there and change it…

Me: Touché….

…aaaannnd scene! Drake then proceeds to do something else- like tend to his sudden erection. Ha! I kid.
During this conversation House of Pain and Blair pretended (but not really) to not be listening. Once Drake was out of earshot and eye…uh…shot, Blair gave me a thumbs up and mouthed: smoooooooooth. HOP proved why she always wins in my book; she proceeded to point in my direction, then his. She made a heart with her hands and then made a hole with her right hand and pointed her index finger on her left. She then simulated us bonin’. It was quite poetic…much like the day.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

The Place Where I Work: Don't Believe The Hype

Always. Always, when you hype something up- like me and the office holiday party- you wind up being severely disappointed…but sufficiently drunk which wasn’t a total loss. The party was LAME. It was hot, the food sucked-there was this green skeet-like cold soup that just as I was about to put in my mouth, B made a reference to it being splooge and I gagged. Gagged and laughed.
Speaking of B, she has resumed her WONDERFUL blog: Post-its From The Underground. You can get her take on life and working where we work. Pretty entertaining. B had to take an unfortunate hiatus because some dude loved her witty, wickedly entertaining n’ smart writing style soooo much…he sent her dick pics.
Yep. He sent her pics of his dick. Via email.
Usually she feels all is fair in love n’ war, but mostly she was skeeved out. Who knew being a smart and hilarious woman could get you dick?? Who knew???!!!

So, yeah. The party was lame. First off, there was NO MUSIC. Secondly, peeps here are boring. Thirdly, Drake didn’t mention till this afternoon that peeps were hanging at the W Hotel.
Yes, you read that correctly. Drake and I had a conversation. A full length conversation. I called him out and he fell in love. Just as I suspected. Actually he thinks one of his cronies- the one I’ll call The Bangout- and I are soul mates! Ha. Mostly cuz we’re both moody. Drake is real insightful. He feels he’s been nothing but nice to me, and I told him didn’t speak to because I am NOT Latina. He chuckled, but stopped when I called him Drake and said I would call him NOTHING else.
Getting back The Bangout- who is being called that because he just looks like he breaks backs. You don’t- okay I don’t wanna know about this dudes life, how his day was, why he hates pickles- just bang.it.out. I can tell just by looking at him…and speaking with him, that I would stalk him for the wang. Stalk.
For instance, at the party I see him walking around. He looked so handsome, and my loins led me to him and I proceeded to creepily follow him around till he turned to look at me like the creep I was being. It was pretty fantastic. I think I apologized and grabbed some more wine (shouldn’t have), and made my way back to my desk.

Perhaps the party wasn’t all that lame because it brought Drake and I closer-well not closer, we’re just speaking. Now, I don’t think he’s office boo material anymore. The thrill is gone. So sad-yet predictable. Am making my official work boo The Bangout, and I think my reasoning is sufficiently superficial.

Something that I think I can hype and NEVER be disappointed will be Friday night dranks with B, Blair, Bollocks, CloseUp (though B and I may take turns shanking her) and possibly a few surprise guests. Should be a BLIZZAST.

Monday, December 14, 2009

The Place Where I Work: How You Like Me Now?!

Why did I let you fool me MONDAY? With your free Starbucks and B’s discovery of the Jersey Shore name creator-mine is The Paris Hilton of Trenton. Friggin’ fantastic. Still, I think B and House of Pain beat me with, The Appointment and The Backend-respectively. *sigh*
Anyways, Monday started out so lovely and then progressively brought me to the point where I ended every sentence (in my head) with: …and I hope you choke on a dick.
I think this all started with me feeling especially cheerful and saying a: Goooooood Morning!! To Drake, who didn’t even look at me and just waved at B. Nice. Then I was just aggravated with work related things…that involved people. THEN someone had to go and eat an orange in my vicinity causing me to itch, and my throat is doing something weird where I now sound like I’ve smoked 20 packs a day. Thankfully the person was far enough away where my throat didn’t close up and I don’t need to break out the epi-pen.
Also, I sound sexier which is a plus. Not that this will help me in wrangling any boys to my yard as proven throughout most of my weekend.- Before I get into that though, can I mention how hilarious Blair is. She compared her ‘love’ for a coworker who doesn’t know she exists to Twilight and I explained to her my Edward Cullen moment…and we giggled and we laughed. Without getting into specifics, my Cullen moment involved guitar riffs and wide (as my lil Korean eyes will go) eyed crazed stares…kinda like when Edward wanted to bite the shit out of Bella, and no I didn’t want to bite someone…I wanted them to bite me, in a nice way.:) The moment was intense and hilarious-and this can also be added to the list I am making as to why I am sexy, but uh…not sexxxy. Awww.

My weekend was pleasant enough, which added to my early cheerful Monday demeanor. Did less drinking and more awkward socializing. Anything social with me is usually awkward, but mostly entertaining.
Have decided-which doesn’t mean I will- to compose a list for myself to look at whenever I shake my fists towards the sky and am like: am I really that repulsive??!!!
The list won’t say yes, but it will shed some light on why I am sexy beast to MYSELF only…and not quite understood by the opposite sex.
Winter also doesn’t help because, like a bear, I like to hibernate. I have to force myself to go anywhere outside of work- luckily winter just started last week so I haven’t been much of a recluse. Friday night it was a mix of being cold, sleepy and clueless. While I waited for peeps at a wine bar, I got hit on TWICE and didn’t notice either time. The dudes had to tell me and then there was an awkward silence. I was definitely flattered and would’ve been interested if I hadn’t allotted myself only a certain amount of energy to be social with my peeps. Anything else was one word responses and grunts.
So, that gets filed under: letting cock ops pass me by.
Saturday I had STRONG intentions on leaving my house, but there was heat and there were movies. I mean I deep conditioned the hair n’ filed the nails…picked out an outfit…contemplated where to go…and then I found myself watching New Jack City- and that was all she wrote.
This gets filed under: never leaving house.
Because I am complex, I decide its okay to leave my house on Sunday during torrential downpours. Even though I chose not to straighten my hair, if it even hears the word rain, it does CRAZY things like go wavy, curly and STRAIGHT. It’s amazing really. In the end it looks like I have one of Diana Ross’s wigs that have been sweated out via performances and sex with European princes.
To top off my AMAZING do, I have these moments where the 15 year old frat boy that I bury deep within explodes out. Haven’t figured out what causes it, but it happens and it embarrasses me to no end. Picture me standing in a classy hotel lounge. Having easy going chats that turn to witty banter, which I can usually keep up with- no no, not this time. This time I decide in a slightly empty hotel lounge (because my voice echoed) to invite with hand motions pointing towards my crotch and by saying: there’s enough for everyone …
…to two of my dude peeps, one of which looks at me, and because of an earlier convo, says: I understand now.
Meaning he didn’t understand before why most guys don’t like me back, but he got it just then. I shrugged and held my face in my hands.
This gets filed under: not having better hair strategery and not killing the 15 yr old frat boy within.

Of course today my hair is fabu! All full n’ wavy. Looks like I care about myself. That’s one good thing about today-OH another is my restraint. Restraint from chocking a bitch…REALLY. CloseUp has her moments when I think she’s cool and others when I to kick her shins. The other night we were taking the train together and she turns to me and asks (seriously): Have you heard of Lady Gaga?
I stare at her silently, then very bitchily respond: um, yeah. Who hasn’t??
She says she just learned about her from gay best friend the other day. I tell her he wasn’t being a very good gay because Gaga has been out for a while. CloseUp then says that she wants me to hear this one song by her and proceeds to coyly take out her Discman…which again makes me *heart* her. We then discuss how my dad had to force an iPod upon me because I was content making mixtapes and using my Sony Sport (because I drop shit) walkman.
So, CloseUp was on the good foot, until everyday since she has asked me if I have heard of Lady Gaga which has me believing B when she says that she may be semi-retarded.

Friday, December 11, 2009

The Place Where I Work: Bad Romance

Corporate America will kill/slay/eradicate/mutilate your soul, but if you are strong of will, you can persevere. When I first entered the corporate arena, I was young and didn't understand the game. I'm older n' wiser now, and totally get it. Its a mix of:

-give a lil bit of a fuck, or at least appear to.
-look clean and don't dress like you're headed to the club...even if you are after work
-don't lose focus on dreams/aspirations...especially if they don't involve status climbing in corporate America.

The reason why I allowed Corporate America to rape n' pillage my soul before was that I lacked focus. Didn't know what I wanted to do with my life. One minute it was culinary school and the next it was moving to London to work at a publishing company.
Now, I am focused on writing and letting life's adventures do what they may. Its a pretty serene way to live. Am not caught on where I should be or what I should be doing, am just trying to live yo!
So what does this have to do with my work hijinks's?
Well, I felt myself almost regressing back to being full of rage and disappointment. Its not like I mind what I do and I'm cool with the peeps....its just the grind. The MTA. The hoping that I don't get sucked into not 'living the dream' again.
Just a lot of me over thinking everything....but I realize that I am going to be okay. Dreams will be fulfilled, and I am so great at multi-tasking and grabbing the balls of life (...and men*wink wink*). Also, I can just look at B, who is doing the '9-5 thing' and just completed her first play (outside of school)...that is being produced and is fantastic.
So, it can be done.
Speaking of B, we had our weekly 'Burger n' Bitches' Friday (different themes, same burgers). This time we just danced it out to club remixes and discussed the complex psychological after effects of slavery.

Today was pretty tame though. Have been given more responsibility, which shows that I am not a total slacker...which is nice....UNLESS it cuts into my blogging/writing/facebook time. Then its a problem. Today my extra responsibilities cut into time needed to get Mariah Carey concert tickets!!!! I.WILL.DIE.and then come back as Hello Kitty in a white thong bikini wearing 6 inch heels...whew. This show is such a MUST SEE!
This week has been pretty busy though with after work activities and planning for the holiday party on Tuesday. I am going to be at work from 7AM-7:30PM. Nothing about that is cool-EXCEPT for the over time. I will definitely stab someone by 8PM Tuesday night though. Stab.
One of Drakes cronies asked if I am joining them for the holiday AFTERPARTY and I said hells yeah!!!-which could be the worst mistake I've ever made. Imagine me, already tired and then add alcohol to the mix...and then sprinkle in some Drake. As Gaga says, "this could be a bad romance, boo'.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

True Story: Recent Conversations pt 4

Here I am killing another 2 birds with the same stone. This conversation happened at work, it is not one of the better ones, but it proves my knack for placing my foot in my mouth. Also my resolve to give a fuck-sometimes.
The setting is: Blair and I doing our usual…trying to keep each other awake when it’s not stark raving INSANE up in this piece. We have these quiet moments where we say inappropriate things, discuss life, play office survivor, and say mean things to each other till we hurt. Aww. It’s a great budding friendship. Things got interesting when Drake got into the mix.


Drake: (actually smiles, waves) Hello…*mumble, incoherent something or other* (he then makes a fast escape before he was made to say ANYTHING else- he also pretends to work)

Blair: …did he just say hello to …you? (is shocked because she knows I *heart* him and that he hates me)

Me: Yep.

Blair: He just said: hello buddy. You guys are buddies now?

Me: No, no…he said: hello LOVER! We are lovers now, but keeping it on the DL.

Blair: (looks at me un-amused) No, seriously…he said: hello buddy. Who says that? When did you guys become ‘buddies’?

Me: We are lovers.

House of Pain: He has a girlfriend.

Me: I don’t care. (look at them) You know I am kidding right? I don’t really want him…

Blair: I don’t know. You seem like you love him. He seems like he loves you…buddies? (says to self)

Me: Lovers.

{Drake who was never too far- and though we were speaking in low tones- looks at us and shakes his head without smiling. He then looks at me and smirks.}

Blair: Shit, he totally heard us.

Me: Yep.

Blair: Well at least all your cards are on the table…

Me: (slightly freaking out) Man, he’s gonna think I want him! I just want him to be my office boo!

Blair: You do a lil bit…

Me: No. He is my office boo. Just some fun to make the day go by faster. Ugh.

House of Pain: You are such a guy. The moment things get real, you’re all ‘I didn’t mean that’.

Me: You speak many truths…

House of Pain: I know.

Blair: Well, I wouldn’t worry, its not like he speaks.

...aaaannnd scene!

True Story: Recent Conversations pt 3

This will kill two birds with one stone because this conversation took place at work-so it counts as a work blog as well. Yay.
Remember that Black dude with a perm-wears his hair in a ponytail-and I hated him ON SIGHT?! Well B so cleverly came up with a name for him: Black Tom Cruise…because he is the Black Tom Cruise. They are both short legged, walk with a kick, dress like they should be/probably are gay AND they’re annoying, but you can’t put your finger on WHY.
OF COURSE because I hate dude on sight, he LOVES ME.
So this happened:

Black Tom Cruise: …so you’re Caribbean right?

Me: No. (short as my answer was, I was still pleasant)

BTC: You’re not…really?

Me: (still pleasant) No. People always think I am, but unless the Caribbean is in Brooklyn…

BTC: So you’re not from the islands?

Me: No…

BTC: You have family from the South though?

Me: Yep.

BTC: Man, you really look like you’re from the Islands though…(I remain silent, not trusting myself. I’m bound to say something hurtful to this guy, so I just shrug my shoulders thinking silence would cause him to venture elsewhere, but I am not that lucky) So, I’m about to go to lunch…

Me: That’s cool, enjoy.

BTC: You should go with me…(the look on my face must’ve been SOMETHING, something I wish had captured on film. He begins laughing nervously-)…just kidding.

I remain silent till he walks away. He has since kept his distance, which is better for the both of us.

Monday, December 7, 2009

The Place Where I Work: Fumbling.

I knew today would be A DAY when I found myself standing in my living room staring off into space. Some nagging thing shook me out of my reverie...it was a thought. There I was fully clothed-in professional attire, and I knew there was something I was forgetting.
Then it dawned on me. I HAD TO GO TO WORK.
Yeah, that happened. I'd like to blame lack of sleep or the alcohol (all weekend), but I think its age and having too many thoughts.
If only I could breeze through the day without thinking so much. Life would be easier. I would get more dates. Ah, it could all be so simple.
Alas, I am me, so I get to zone out and arrive 10 minutes late to work. Then when I get to work, I just keep fumbling. Little mistakes though, that were fixable...but they were dumb mistakes all the same.
After drinking some coffee and memorizing a few more words from my 100 Words to Make You Seem Smart book...a gift from a dear friend who also said: not that you need it. Today I needed it, I am running on nothing. Don't know what is going on. Went to bed at a decent time-OH, but then I couldn't fall ASLEEP! Was so tired, but couldn't sleep. Worst feeling ever.
Blair and House of Pain just laughed at me most of the day-which was cool, at least I brought amusement. I was able to get back at Blair though (I don't eff with HOP too much because she is an Irish gangsta AND studying to be a nurse-so she would know exactly how n' where to stab me to cause the most agonizing pain)- you see Blair revealed she is prone to weird illnesses. Like she had Scarlett fever...TWICE. I am like isn't that some Victorian day disease! How OLD are you??? This went on. Things got worse when I brought up how we were supposed to go out one night, but Blair fainted in a store and had to sleep all day. It was then decided that though Blair may be 23 she is like 98 in dog years. House of Pain and I are getting her a LifeAlert bracelet for Christmas, awww.

I started feeling a little more like myself after some coffee, but then I had to hang out at the bank for an hour. Very aggravating.....but I was thanked for my patience, which is saying a lot for me. I'm glad my vast maturity and logical nature shines through-sometimes.

The high lite of my day was finding a vending machine on my floor has GOOBERS!! Mmm mmm milk chocolate covered nuts. Lil bags of DELIGHT!!

Friday, December 4, 2009

The Place Where I Work: Fickle Friday!

Friday!! My first full-regular week at the new job...and still, so far, so good. This pretty much sums up my feelings: when asked by the Black dude with a perm if people were treating me nice I responded, " I don't care as long as I get paid and can just do my job."
He laughed, got a semi and now I can't shake him! Of course, the one dude I hate ON SIGHT loves me! Its really only because he has a perm though. He seems nice enough, but I am a fickle creature-so EFF that guy.

Today was a day of discoveries and hijinks's. First, Blair and I worked a lot together which is always funny. It was mostly me mouthing 'I love you' to Drake-and almost getting caught- and Blair telling me I am coming on too strong. Then this consultant dude offered Blair a job because she's from Jersey- which she will no longer admit thanks to MTV's Jersey Shore (AKA the best show on TV). Once the dude left I let her know that that the dude's job offer was more along the lines of a HAND/BLOW job. B agreed (we were on our way out to lunch). Blair told us not to be so negative, and I said there is NOTHING negative about cock...unless you're a lesbian. Then B and I chuckled and left for BURGER n' MURDER Fridays!!!
Well, that's what we call 'em anyways. We decided to have lunch together on Fridays...which will mostly consist of us sharing a fries/onion ring combo and wine. There is murder involved because B may have met her own American Psycho at the burger joint.
There he was-all blonde, square jawed and preppy. He spotted B's mams (they are superb) from afar and was enamored. When he sipped his milkshake, he looked at her and said: YUMMY.
Basically, he was perfection. Only thing was, there was a plastic tarp covering his apartment floor...for the murdering. Thankfully B hasn't fallen victim...yet.

This afternoon I have discovered yet another glitch in my superbly strong amazing self- I am weak. Weak I tell you. Dudes make me weak. Even when I see no hope or possibility- there I am hoping and thinking the impossible.
No worries, I'll fall on my face soon enough.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

The Place Where I Work: Rock Groups, Tigers and Blair-Oh My!

I am oh so sorry for being lame and not blogging about my work day yesterday, but I've been too busy playing on school night's which I am getting too old to do. Plus, I love sleep so much. Love it.
Anywho, it wasn't like anything too thrilling happened yesterday at work. It was mostly me being sleepy which means loopiness and therefore laughter. Thankfully, I work closely with House of Pain- who is really hilarious and cool, and Blair- a coworker I haven't introduced you to yet.
Let me preface my introduction to Blair by saying I *heart* her. I call her Blair because she reminds me of Blair from the classic TV show Facts of Life. She is all American, girl-next-door (not them whores on E!), young and still has dreams. I deemed Blair worthy of my curiosity and minute affection- meaning I would look out for her (we started on the same day) and have her back- when this guy walks by and she turns to me and says, "...ever see someone that you just want to punch in the face...like you don't know them, but you can just tell they need it."
I slowly nod, eyes brimming with tears and I say, "...all the time." We smile at each other and fates have been sealed.
Blair also knows of my unrequited/non-existent 'love' for Drake. She has the same type of thing going on with a guy who sits across from us. He barely acknowledges her, but at least he's not straight MEAN like Drake is to me.
There I was trying out my funny on him and he looked at me like I said nothing at all. He really has NO IDEA what he's in for. This just means I will make fun of him till he loves me- its like when Mike Tyson said he'd fuck ya till you love him, it's like that but with less lube.
Drake does stare at me a lot and Blair thinks he's scared of me for some reason. AGAIN with the scared. I really don't get how I scare some guys- yet I have some guys ballsy enough to tell me I'm sexy and MUST be Dominican or Puerto Rican. Perhaps ignorance allows for courage, but that shit just makes me stabby.

Oh, because House of Pain, Blair and I are so cool...and hilarious, we have formed a metal band called The Ladies. Its a lot of screaming over shrilling guitars, but we have potential. Our inspiration came from daily insanity...and this tiger pin brooch I bought. Thanks to B, I realize it looks a tad Ed Hardy- only a lil less douche-y and more BAD ASS! I bought the brooch as an act of rebellion against CrazyEyes who roundaboutly deemed herself a more conservative dresser. The one who has the white lace gloves and the CRAZY EYES.
I saw the pin and was all like EFF YOU! I'LL SHOW YOU CONSERVATIVE!!
*sigh* The pin is awesome though. Awesome. The tigers mouth is all open, showing fang...and the inner ears are pink jewels. So fantastic!

...'member how I was worried about me and the 2 Starbucks I would have to 'takeover' in order to make my work days more...easy-breezy? Well, I don't wanna toot my own horn, but DAMN I am GOOD! We all know how I have my morning crew in my building which includes: Mi Amour (the guy who told me he loves me and is waiting for me to love him), SeanKingston (cuz the dude looks like Sean Kingston-he is buddies with Mi Amour, so even if Mi Amour is busy or away, Sean takes care of me. he knows my drinks and has them waiting for me by the time I pay-LOVE HIM. he also upgrades and gives me free snacks. LOVE HIM.), Lil Asian B (this dude is little and Asian and LOVES B- I have suggested a double date picnic with me and Mi Amour, B declined because she knows they'll just bring them wack Starbucks sammiches). That is MY morning crew. There are a few interchangeable lesbians, but for the most part, the fella's take care of me. Now I've come to realize I can't go to my building Starbucks in the afternoon because of the LESBIAN TAKEOVER. Seriously. No dudes or straight chicks. All lesbians. One would think I would THRIVE. Wrong. They always get my drink order wrong and give me attitude...AND they don't hook me up. Eff them broads. So, I have to go to the other Starbucks in the afternoon where I have another barista boo who *hearts* me and hooks it up. All because I am friendly...and the cheekbones. The calling cards to a barista's heart. Awww....

The high lite and probably WINNER of the week is B introducing me to the website makemebabies.com. Let's just say when I am not working...I am makin' babies. Yes, I have mated Drake and I, and our baby is CUUUUUUTE. Have also mated myself with a few celebs... and those have come out a bit iffy.
I HAVE NOT mated myself with guys I know because that ish is creepy....and I feel that I am fertile enough as to where just making it happen on a website will make it come to be FOR REAL.
Want kids, but um...I'm just a broke bitch trying to live Bloomingdale dreams with Target money.
...oh and then there's that whole baby daddy thing.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

The Place Where I Work: Not Today.

Today has been a day. Its not like there was anything that majorly sucked, it was just a day. Can't put my finger on it, but I kinda wanted to punch today and I don't know why.
I mean there was a pizza party because the company is doing BIG TINGS...and we get rewarded with pizza. Pizza that I did not eat because I was way busy and not in the mood for pizza. Of course today being what it was, I didn't even have lunch-which didn't afford me to have a mood about pizza! Should've eaten it while the eating was good!
So, it was just me, an iced green tea and some gingerbread loaf for lunch...which means I am pissy. Hunger makes me stabby.
The bigger picture is I am closer to my goal of the chinchilla bikini-which is way more important than my health...or the health of others-you know the people I'll be stabbing.

We all know how I am looking forward to the holiday party. The perfect place to observe and take mental notes. In addition to this, Bollocks- another person I work with, she is called Bollocks because she is from England and is just a hoot. Hoot.- so Bollocks suggested that we-the people in my group all go for drinks the Friday after the holiday party! B and I had our hearts set on this spot Bobby Van's because it seems like rich moneyed white haired White men hang there..so we assume the whiskey will be good. Plus its called Bobby Vans. Another plus, is that we won't have to scream over loud trendy music and have to elbow bitches wearing Thory Birch in their rib cages. Just good ole fashioned getting drunk 'n talking shit. Well to a certain point. Mama didn't raise no fool. B and I won't let our hair totally down...only in a loose chignon.
Should be a good time FILLED with excellent stories...and perhaps some dirty deeds if Drake goes, which I doubt. If he does though...just keep me and the Patron AWAY from each other.

Oh another great thing about the holiday party- is the outfit. B and I are going to get the same dress in different colors-okay not really, but it would be a good idea. Most likely I'll wear what I've worn to work and hope it isn't wrinkled or stained with food because I am can be a clumsy beatch.

Tomorrow, when I hopefully won't find myself staring at my nails like today, I will introduce you to 2 more characters: Don Juan and Blair.
For now...adieu.

Monday, November 30, 2009

The Place Where I Work: My Curls Bring All the Boys to the Yard.

After a weekend where I was again humbled and astounded at my broke assedness, I was feeling rather swell this Monday morning. I guess because I got a lot of rest, deep conditioned my hair and reconnected with my Boston-now BROOKLYN homie DoubleDeuce!! She moved to my old hood-for a few years- and we had great walks n' talks. Coffee and bagels, and were joined by another mutual homie. Of course, because its me and my luck, I run into a blast from my funny past. Long story short, there was a lot of staring and me saying 'awkward' a few times.
That is pretty much a normal day for me though.
So, today I was feeling kinda nice. Decided to be 2 steps ahead of the game and NOT straighten my hair since I knew it was going to be a semi-rainy week. Am all curly- don't know if curly hair causes major spunk...or if it brings out my cheekbones a lot more because I am getting major love from dudes who have all their teeth! Shocking.
For instance today I rushed upstairs to my desk before getting my usual Starbucks because the line wayyy too long. I then went back downstairs and realized I left my wallet upstairs. Nice...and also not a problem for me because as I left to get it, a barista was making my usual and told me not to worry about it. It was free. This barista was told by Mi Amour (the dude who said he loved me) that I was cool and he did the right thing by not making me pay.
...but it was the look in their eyes that made me worry. Like would my payment be a train run on a bed of lemon loaf slices? Is the coffee worth it? Worth my dignity? Not at all, but I am not worried about it until they start seeking payment. Then I'll have to either lube up or shut up.
So, that was a good start to the day. Things got a little crazy at work because people create the unnecessary drama and don't communicate well. They also think they know it all. They may also care a lot more than I do-but I can't help that I am naturally gifted in not giving a hoot yet doing an amazing job. I've had it since I was a lil Honey. In school I would half assedly get straight A's...and then just to be balanced I would get straight C's. Yet all my teachers loved me and rooted for me. It was sweet.
Work got in the way of my good vibe a little, but I was soon pushed over the edge into FULL OUT RAGE at lunchtime.
Since it was raining I kept it chill and dined at the nearest cafe. Just me and a mindless mag. Had a zucchini and tomato quiche that was divine. Being a native New Yorker, I am always aware of my surroundings...and soon noticed 2 nerds sitting near. Both eating cheesecake and one more desperate looking than the other. Because their voices carried I was able to hear their whole conversation, when I wasn't fully concentrating on the mindless magazine.
They began with jokes about this conference they went to at MIT- okay these weren't hot nerds or the type of nerdy dude I like. The unexpected nerd. The one who makes mixtapes and will play video games with you while reciting quiotes from old Mystery Science Theater 3000 episodes.
No, these dudes were NERDS. The type that don't get laid in a Judd Apatow film because they are in another film that involves locking pretty young women in a basement and filing down their bones. No fun.
I zoned out on the MIT portion of the convo, but soon perked up when I heard one of the nerds mention how he was at happy hour and was getting hit on by two women. I caught eyes with the woman sitting across from me and we both smirked. Knowing that he was doing that nerdy dude thing where they lie. When nerd 2 asked nerd 1 about how his night went with the 2 chicks, nerd 1 replied that it went nowhere fast because the chicks were 35! He said it with a vile disgust...kinda like the way I felt about the hair growing from behind his ears.
Nerd 2 was like: So? That's not old.
Nerd 1 says its wayyyy too old for reproduction. He then advised his fellow nerd brethren to WIKIPEDIA this fact that women who have kids after 35 will most likely have a kid with down syndrome and that women should should start procreating wayyy before they reach 30 and STOP at 35.
Needless to say my magazine was closed. One of the women in the area practically snarled and then left. The other women and I just shook our heads half amused and half like REALLY?? Even unattractive nerds get to hand us time stamps on when we should or shouldn't procreate. INSANITY. Before stabbing him with my plastic knife, I decided to let him live. At the rate he was going he would NEVER reproduce...unless he did so with a petri dish...so whew!

Always a pick-me-up, Drake, was being extra friendly today. By extra friendly he actually acknowledged my presence. He said 'hello'!! This is BIG. I think its the curls, but pretty soon we'll get to 'how are you' and then I'll be able to beat my 35 yr old deadline to have kids.
HOORAYYYYY!!!

Review: The Souuuuuulllll Train Awards

A PSA TO KEEP YOU FROM GETTING SHANKED IF YOU ARE NOT BLACK:
Let me preface this review by saying some of y’all unfamiliar with the glory that is Soul Train, will most likely not understand/ know who/what I am talking about. By y’all I mean people who aren’t Black. If you are Black and have no idea what Soul Train is and who/what I am talking about, TURN IN YOUR BLACK CARD!!! Mark ‘other’ and just be done with you. You don’t deserve the natural rhythm, nor the insta-swagger.
Soul Train was part of growing up. You watched it on Saturday mornings. You danced, you sang along and you LOVED IT! Now, Black people will most likely know the artists I am writing about because we have to. Black people HAVE TO know who’s out there representing us-so any famous Black person-we all know about. Must know who is moving us forward…or setting us back…or needs to be HANDLED.
This is not to say that OTHERS will not know what’s going on, but I’m just saying don’t ask the nearest Black person what the dealy is- Google that shit.
The End.

The Soul Train Awards went on hiatus due to Don Cornelius being OLD and new people needing to take over. I hear the show is coming back…and so did the awards, but there will BE NO ONE like that slow talking don…Don Cornelius. This was proven by the pre-show red carpet which was hosted by that closeted gay Farnsworth ‘I was Diddy’s ass pillow’ Bentley- seriously, what was up with dudes hair?? I get that we’re all going back to the 80’s/90’s/when shit was UGLY, but COME ON!
So, he along with 2 other tricks- one of them being a former member of Destiny’s Child- hosted the show and made me wish for anything but THEM! I was annoyed, but didn’t turn because I had to see the Chaka Khan tribute.

Let me tell you something, another reveal about myself, I LOVE anticipating the opening act of an awards show. I get giddy, like I am opening the show…but I wasn’t. It was Toni Braxton-blonde and at a piano- and Trey Songz. I don’t get all the hype about that dude- I mean he is attractive and doesn’t make my ears bleed, but I am real ‘meh’ when it comes to him. Perhaps its cuz when he first came out he had cornrows and sang a favorite song ‘Just Gotta Make It’. He seemed earnest and humble…now he’s talking about how he invented sex. Eff that dude. Eff his black patent leather shoes. Eff all the hype about he and Toni Braxton making out on stage INFRONT of her husband and then causing their divorce- PUHLEASE. I kiss my bro more hardcore than that- okay I don’t, but I’m just saying that kiss wasn’t all that. Call it what it is people- PUBLICITY. Toni has an album coming out. He is the new schlong on the table. It is what it is. Now, if they straight boned on stage, I’d believe the hype.

Terrence ‘Babywipes’ Howard and Taraji P. ‘I got a weave y’all’ Henson were the hosts of the evening. I mean…yeah, they were entertaining, but I could’ve done without a lot of it…but then I would’ve fallen asleep. So I dunno. Defenitely didn’t need all the references to their lackluster films…well some, not all…and my eyes n’ ovaries could’ve done without the MAKEOUT! All in all they should stick to acting and NOT singing-like really, that’s what they have SINGERS for…or so I am told.
Like during that whole Motown tribute, they could’ve gotten 3 really great singers to be The Supremes, but instead it was Taraji and 2 secretaries who work for BET. Not cool. Hmm, that new singer Melanie Fiona sang something. She has a lot of hair.
Estelle was also part of the tribute and I *heart* her, she sang with some no-name yellow chick. Hmmm. More importantly, Johnny Gill came out and sang ‘My, My, My’ which is a fave of mine. It is just sooooo damn serious!!!-even if Johnny is singin’ to a dude. There is totally NOTHING wrong with that, just stop frontin’ Johnny.
Either before or after the whole Motown thing, Ryan ‘I am a nerd who gets laid now’ Leslie performed. Like, I wanna like him…and even own his CD, but I want to punch him non-stop. Not in a good way either. He was also singing a song about calling a chick his good friend-but remember you’re not his girl, you’re just bonin’ and he takes you for brunch sometimes-but don’t get it twisted. This is meaningless because any kind of real relationship would require depth and I am a dude…who has the depth of a Louis Vuitton messenger bag.
Thankfully Mr. Leslie wasn’t on long, but then Mario and some dude who should only sing in the shower (with no one within earshot) came out. They looked like two pretty boys at the club who decided form a group-Mario can sing though which was a nice change.
This is not going to be in order because I was busy checking the weather and pissy because Beyonce` won ALBUM OF THE YEAR???!! REALLY?!- Oh, and what’s with Keri Hilson winning ALL the awards. I am glad it wasn’t Beyonce`, but COME ON! Her songs are catchy and she is nice to look at, but really?! Over Chrisette Michelle?
Anyways, a tribute was made to Charlie Wilson formerly of The Gap Band. I was definitely 2-stepping to the songs…and paid special attention to who sang one of my all-time favorite tunes ‘Outstanding’. Thankfully it was Raheem Devaughn-who I just love. I KNOW, am sounding like such a ‘neo-souler’, but I really am not. So put away the knitwear and Djembe’s. Those who REALLY know me, know that I am asshole who enjoys a great voice…hot lyrics and a beat to pop my ass to. Tis all. Mr. Wilson still has an amazing voice, and has this new song out about meeting a woman at the mall and how she is the only-iest woman for him. *sigh* I love that song! It is my JAM!
There was a small Michael Jackson tribute. His death is still something I don’t believe…after trying to wrap my head around it I listened to ‘Human Nature’.

This has nothing to do with the show, but there was a commericial for Mariah Carey’s perfume set. This brought back memories of when I tried one of her scents and walked around smelling like a baby whore. It was HORRIFIC! Love Mariah. Love the voice, the songwriting, the trashy Lycra cut-outs…but will NEVER buy her perfume’s. Never ever.

OH, I think during the Motown tribute Chico DeBarge sang ‘I Like It’ (another favorite) by his brother El. Sadly, I believe El just got out the slammer on some drug charges. Chico did right by his bro and all light skinned people.
Then Robin Thicke came out. Now, don’t get me wrong, I like the IDEA of Robin Thicke. Have had a long standing complicated and fruitless love of ‘White Chocolate’. So, Robin Thicke with his soul stylings and lovely Black wife go accordingly with that…but then he sings live and I want to punch things…and him. Falsetto’s are nice, but his-when not in studio- makes my loins go dry and kinda makes me wanna go through a ‘kick a White dude’ phase.
Hmm…
Okay, FINALLY the Chaka Khan tribute!!!!!! I grew up on a steady diet of Chaka Khan. Like my mom would’ve disowned me if I didn’t know at least ONE of her songs by heart. Luckily, I know them all. Even the ones with Rufus-don’t test. Anyways, it was a great tribute to a fabulous performer-could’ve done without Fantasia’s racket, but hey…I am no American Idol winner…sooo…

Overall, I like where the Soul Train Awards head was at, but I almost fell asleep once and checked the weather in Spain twice- in case I go sometime soon. That may mean something.

Friday, November 27, 2009

The Place Where I Work: Hours Become Minutes Become Seconds

I knew today was going to be slow. Made worse only by my fatigue. Fatigue from eating and resting all day yesterday.
Slept soundly on the train and openly yawned while online at Starbucks. Mi Amour AKA the Starbucks barista who loves me was there. He says he is giving me space today because he can sense my need for it. Wow. Is this my soul mate or what?
When I entered the office and saw House of Pain's head on her desk. I knew today might be an AMAZING day. Even though it would be quiet and I would contemplate why I am out of bed- then I would remember money and Drake. Good ole Drake...
Anyways, HOP then informs me that she is still drunk from last night. This made me very excited and slightly envious because being drunk at work is pretty spectacular-as long as it doesn't happen often and as long as you don't pass out...or make out with plants.
To keep her head off the desk-because it was quiet- she and I sang Lady Gaga's Poker Face and proceeded to do hand n' shoulder choreographies. It was pretty fantastic.

Suddenly it got a little busy- I am a conference room coordinator, which means I book conference rooms. Smile. Greet. Talk like I know whats up and care. I accommodate. I am poised. I write most of the day and entertain myself with meaningless flirtations and dancing with House of Pain.
Pretty sweet gig.
After working for the combined time of 1 hour, I spend the rest of my time writing, emailing and trying to make Drake fall in love with me-
BEFORE I get to Drake, let me explain why you should never give yourself ultimatums.
Recently I was telling a friend how I am really try to get over my crush. Then when I feel I am all good, I have a dream about him. I say to my friend: that's it! if I have ANOTHER dream about that dude I am telling him 'hey, I know you could give a yule log (holidays yall) about me, but imma be here liking you till ya do'. very John Hughes of me.
Then of course THAT NIGHT I have another dream about the dude. I wake up thinking it was real-then becoming angry when I realized it was all a dream. Being an avid talker of shit, I am not saying JACK to dude, and am hoping the situation will remedy itself.
Wish me luck.

Back to Drake. I figured a quiet day like today, I could use my charms for good. I see Drake and barely say 2 sentences before he glares at me and mumbles something. He ALMOST smiles-could've been a snarl.
Am getting nowhere fast with this dude. Its not that I want someone to bone in an utility closet- because I wouldn't really do that...I'd think it though, its just that I think we'd be great buddies. He has to realize SOON how cool I am or I am going to lose my patience and start calling him Drake to his face. That'll give him more reason to hate me...and so our affair begins.

Another reason why I may pull an HOP and be asleep at my desk is that I am wearing comfortable professional clothing- extra room from Turkey Day pouch- and when I am comfy and thoughts of leftovers dance in my head...can pretty much sleep REAL easy.

Turkey Day Poem by Me

Almost faint with hunger, close to losing all that is cool
Hunger pang to memory spark
I know why this must be done
Why I wait and suffer, hoping that the chunks of time taken by movie watching
Will quiet the growls of my stomach
It yearns to be filled and it vows revenge if I continue to fill it
With coffee’s, spiked egg nogs and water
The game is over, no more toying around not when
Wine soaked seasoned meats massage my nostrils
I can see the mac n’ cheese waiting on the table
So innocent, yet so lethal with its cheese
Fighting the urge to sacrifice prayer for one nip of stuffing
My eyes water as the turkey is sliced and the meat falls of the bone
Speaking is not an option, unless I want my Super Hardcore tee to be drenched in saliva
When the first forkful passes through my lips and into my mouth
It is like Sam Cooke is singing and there are shirtless Native American male teen-wolves
Singing and dancing around me
A warm feeling passes through me and after plate one is done
A familiar feeling, the ‘itis takes over
And there I am slumped over, food lust filled
Crumbs rest on the corners of my mouth
Eyes are like venetian blinds with slits of sight
Through the dense fog of pleasure I see that it was all worth it
Next year I will be strong though, less liquids more aching stomach PAIN!

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

The Place Where I Work: Like Ass-less Chaps

My hands smell like meat. - PAUSE!
Hamburger meat. This could be because I INHALED a bacon cheeseburger with grilled onions and lettuce- because I am health conscience. I then made B buy me a fudge brownie milkshake along with one for herself- okay I shouldn't say MADE, more like asked nicely and she obliged. I got her next week, and most likely it will be a stiff cocktail. Holla!
Speaking of stiff cocktails- I have this habit of digging myself into awkward holes. You see, at lunch B and I were discussing my infatuation with Drake. It really is just something to help the day go by, and I feel all safe because he has NO INTEREST me and looks at me like I stink.
Anywho, so B says give it time...and he'll be stalking me...and I'll hate him. *sigh* Young love. B also added that he doesn't talk much- which made me say that still waters run deep...and that most likely he's THAT dude that you think is all quiet...and then the bedroom door clicks behind him and I am left wearing assless chaps cuz anything else hurts.
I say these things...and then I have to come back to work and see Drake. Drake who already hates me, who is now getting skeeved out by my crazy stare as I try not to laugh...thinking about him putting me in assless chaps.

Another problem that is arising, is how cool B and I are. Separately we're pretty fantastic, but together its like.woah! Several people have come to me and said they want to have drinks with us because we seem like a blast outside of work. If they ONLY KNEW, but seriously-fall back. Its wayyyy too early to show them the true extent of our coolness...don't want bitches to fall in love...
OH speaking of LOVE. I don't know HOW I do it, but it gets done. One of my Starbucks barista's (a dude, whew) admitted that he thinks he loves me and will be the only one serving me (HA!) till he figures out how to make me love him.
I stared open mouthed as he proceeded to make my drink. Sometimes the things that happen in my life are pretty sweet...and I am guaranteed some free gingerbread loaf EVERYDAY which goes against my chinchilla bikini diet. Me+diet= NEVER, but I have dreams of it being really cold and I have on wedge heeled furry boots and a chinchilla bikini. I think my bod is fine, but could stand a lil toning. Will keep you updated on my progress.

Overall the workday has been quiet due to it being Thanksgiving tomorrow (EXCITING). Because I am one of the new peeps I don't have the option of leaving too early, which means I can write and reflect. Reflect and write.
...hopefully I won't just sit here and think up ways to spend my first paycheck!

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

The Place Where I Work: Mews and Bear Humps

Sometimes my charms are lost on others, and sometimes they aren't. Thankfully, when I was caught making cat sounds- I haven't totally gone loca, was making low cat sounds to emphasize the hotness of this dude that walked by. My coworker found it funny, as did I. Then I realized the dude heard me.
Yep. He comes back and is like: is there a cat around?
Me: yep, we are letting one loose a couple of days because of the mice- (which almost seems feasible because the company just unleashed 2 new floors...and moves sometimes bring rodents.)
The hot guy: why not just get an exterminator?
Me: its greener this way.
We stare at each other. I think there was a mental understanding that I was full of shit, but mad clever and he was okay with that.
He leaves for real...and I laugh n' laugh.

Took another gander at 'Christmas World' again. It is truly fantastic. There are bears cooking. Penguins twirling and polar bears humping. Nothing says Christmas magic like some yuletide CHEER AKA bonin'. Especially when its done by two polar bears wearing wintry hats with poms-poms and scarves.

Oh and the day gets better....CloseUp and I are in a pseudo war. I let her know I am willing to knife-fight her for Drake's affections. She is down-you know drama is her thing. CloseUp is okay with me though because during conversations about our skin regimen, I disclosed my sensitive yet good skin genes and she spoke of her Puerto Rican pores (she is half). I am a sucker for good word play, so she is cool with me...unless she doesn't back-off m'boo Drake...who still on looks at me with disdain.
Oh well.
Countdown to TURKEY ANNIHILATION '09!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Monday, November 23, 2009

Another Reason...

I sometimes wonder why I even like dudes...is this.

So, a few months ago I was seeing this dude. Immediately I knew it wouldn't go further than some Vietnamese and some make out. I was very cool with our mutual non-communication that took place following our momentous time together-not!!! Once (in my distant past), I would've needed closure and whatnot, now I am all like NEXT...which means I spend a lot of time alone thinking about who I am not dating and why I don't have the flexibility of a jungle cat.
This passed weekend, MANY months after mutual non contact. I kinda- no I actually forgot about the dude. Also have a habit of just editing peeps number out of my phone- because I feel I'll be getting so many MORE numbers! HAHAHAHAHHA! At least I've got a sense of humor-
The dude friggin' texts me! He types up a long poetic text about timing and how great I am...blah blah...and I am all like-WHO THE HELL IS THIS?
I pretty much type that hoping its not a chick.
He texts me back his name and such- and I remember. Wow. Okay.
THEN....THEN...he asks me out via text.
Like even though I HAVE NOTHING going on guy-wise, EFF THAT DUDE! Like seriously. Months later I am supposed to be like-OH SHIT, thank goodness you contacted me-YES you complete me. Let's go to the movies.
Fuck that.
That dude can choke on a 2 testes and twist.

My instant rage and lack of forgiveness could be more reasons why I am single. Add them to the list.

The Place Where I Work: Case of the Monday's...

Mondays, MTA, sick passenger, 1 hour on train.
That is how the day began. Needless to say I was in no mood. One of my Starbucks peeps even mentioned my grumpiness, and I apologized, and said blame the MTA. She then added whipped cream to my drink- and I don't think it required it, but everything tastes better with whipped cream.
The rest of the day seemed to coast, but I am not sure if I feel all bleah because I spent most of my weekend in some kind of inebriated state or if its just a case of the Mondays. Hmmm.
Am also feeling a certain way about a dream I had where I was having brunch with friends...and my boo...and we had a BABY! Me and the person who was my boo in the dream are not even close to conceiving a thought much less a child- though the fun we would have making it...if only this person thought of me half as much.
Anywho, the kid was cute, which helps....but am still freaked out. This could all be tequila induced though, so who knows.

Nothing too exciting with the work day except I don't think Drake hates me, I just think he is sizing me up. Trying to decide where I stand: cool, annoying, bearable, doable. Hopefully, I fall under cool and doable ( am a Gemini and we thrive on duality).
Forgot to mention how interesting my ID pic is. I've mentioned before how me and ID pics never work out. This time I had a plan. I wore a great color close to my face-a magenta top- and I practiced my 'good angle' a la Mariah Carey steez. Of course none of this worked. I look semi-retarded/yet professional in my ID pic and the company has an online directory. If you were able to look me up, you would ask yourself: is she full Japanese or Korean...because I look 100% Asian. I also look pink in the face- and you know how most Asians turn red after one drink. That's how I look. Amazing.

Perhaps Drake has looked me up and deemed me a freak...a freak he wants to plow, but has no idea WHY??!!
That's what its like for most guys and me. They want it, yet don't know why.

The highlight of the day has to be CHRISTMAS WORLD aka the lobby of my building. Some people have tree's and a few menorah's. This company has TREE's (like 10), snow, toy solders, Jews dressed as dreidels, African-Americans explaining Kwanzaa, gift boxes-like 100, dancing dolls, and literally a Christmas house. I stare at it every time I go by it- which was this morning and during lunch. I stare in wonder...and also to see if I notice something new.
It is a feast for the eyes and better be a peek to how fab the holiday party is going to be.

Friday, November 20, 2009

The Place Where I Work: So far....

Week one is IN THE BAG!!!!!!
There were moments. Moments I wondered if it was too late for me. Too late for me and the rich douche bags out there. Could I be a stripper or make my way to the infamous Bunny Ranch in Vegas, and just involve myself in that lifestyle. Ton of money for little work and thought. Write as I sat in a hot bath of Clorox.
Decided I would be okay in the corporate world again, and that I only had to get up at 5AM for a few days, and then I wouldn't have to be at work till 11AM. Do you understand what a motivation that was??? Sleep is very important to me, its on the same level as eating. I need both to be the lovely wretch I am.:)
Establishing a relationship with my in-house Starbucks, ALSO helped with the slight raping of soul and sensible pumps I would be wearing. We all know that my Starbucks relationships are important!-also the fact that I have TWO Starbucks in my vicinity. One for each building. Am not LYING!!! Its like a dream- also means I'll need to establish more relationships. No doubt I can do it!

Speaking of relationships, lets talk about some of the characters I work with. I have names for only a few now because I like to take my time and really put thought into the names given. Now, B is my friend who let me know about the job opening...and B is just going to go by B. We are mostly on the same page about people except B is a lil nicer than I-shocking, right? We always hit the nail on the head with our character evaluations...so needless to say, its been a funny couple of days as we compare notes. I will compare B's and my work day to that of Pam Grier and her White counterpart in the classic film: Black Mama, White Mama (came out it 1972, look it up and WATCH, its pretty fantastic). We're more hilarious though.
Then there is CloseUp. She is an actresssssssssssssssssss. You know the type. If you don't, just go to a cafe` or restaurant in Midtown and just say:any actorsss around? Someone will respond, and then you just observe. They will talk n' talk. They will act ALL the time because its in their blood. They will often wonder why they are single out loud and why dudes just disappear-OKAY maybe that's just CloseUp. Oh, and you would also notice how they are OBSESSED with B who HAPPENS to be a playwright. Hmmm...
Don't get me wrong. CloseUp is pretty cool and bearable, but I knew once she mentioned a friend of HERS was starting as well, that shit was about to get REAL. REALLY REAL! CloseUp's buddy, B and I have deemed CrazyEyes because the chick has crazy.eyes! They along with the talking to herself, white lace gloves-like yeah, white.lace.gloves, and her eerie staring at ME mostly has made me deem her INSANE! Me and crazy people get along at a distance...and I found that she was staring at me because she wanted to offer me some M&M's, but instead of speaking she stared at me till I had to give in from avoiding eye contact and give her the exasperated WHAT? -was getting my learn on. All she does is hold up the bag of M&M's and I say 'no thanks'. Woah.
There are many high lites to my day. Free treats- like Oreo cookie cake- and free lunches that include asparagus, filet mignon and shrimp cervice. Yeah. I wasn't playin' when I said the place smells like c-notes and black cards. Seeing B, who I rarely see all the time is also GREAT.
House of Pain is another high lite. She is a bundle of rage and intelligence- hence HOP because she is Irish and GANGSTA, yo. HOP is pretty spectacular and will probably stab 5 people before I am there a month...she is studying to be a nurse though which shows her complexity. Rage filled with an amazing bedside manner. Drake-not the REAL ONE- the one that works at my job (dude looks like the REAL Drake, but may be a tad cuter). Drake intrigues me because he doesn't give a fuck and may have been asking peeps if they knew the title of a song-he then sang the song and would get all kinds of frustrated with people by saying they weren't musically inclined when they didn't guess correctly. One of the people he asked was CloseUp who thinks that Drake wants her pixie bod- she really is toddler sized though so I doubt it...but then again WHAT do I know?!
Anyways, CloseUp didn't know and Drake said she was wack. He didn't ask me, he just eyed me...well eyes me. He doesn't like me I don't think-not that I care, but I fear this will make me like him! Sick and sad, I know, but to me its easier that way. When guys start catching feelings, I gets stalked.....HA!-no, but seriously....

Overall though, things are cool. I am getting paid, peeps are aight, Starbucks (where I am already getting free upgrades, my charm is stupendous...okay its cuz my professional gear fulfills the whole dirty librarian fantasy...I think), free food and the countdown to the holiday party!!!! December 15th, bitches!

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

The Place Where I Work: Wait, This Was Supposed To Be About Work, Right?

Remember how I said that me leaving my house before the sun came up would land me in an Law & Order:SVU episode?
Well that almost happened.
They were filming (Law&Order:SVU) right in between my 2 office buildings. Yeah, two buildings. - wait, I must interrupt this to mention how I am watching Single In The City: South Beach...actually it doesn't matter the city-THESE WOMEN SUCK!
The dudes do too. Are people really this lame?? If this is what is going on out there- I am good. GOOD!.....there is a woman on here, a cougar if you will, who is dating a dude the same age as her daughter. Her daughter who works at Hooters and tells her mom that the dude is soooo hot (AKA eff you moms for picking from my pool and I am going to bone him while you're gettin' 'toxed or hormone treatments!). The guy looks like its a miracle he didn't get the whole bottle of gel in his eyes- meaning he looks dumb. After dinner at Hooters, the mom goes home to try on the wedding dress she already owns!!!!! She dances around in it and knows she will wear it one day soon. Not only is the dress ugly, her situation is ugly.
I happened upon the show and wanted to have it as background noise-okay, okay I enjoy watching and hating. It also makes me feel better about myself- Ha! I really am a simple beast.- UM WOAH, this one chick thinks she's a singer and songwriter. I'd rather be teabagged in both my ears!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Okay I am turning.

Back to work. So far, so good. The usual in corporate...people thinkin' that I should really care about the drama. Really? Am only a few days in, people. Not that I ever agreed to care, and I don't. This is a paycheck with awesome benefits...and perks. When I am there, I do my job...I smirk to keep from saying inappropriate things to this one dude (mmmm), and when I leave...I uh, leave. If there is drama, I still won't care because there are bigger things going on in this world. BIG TINGS (and I meant tings). Like, how do I wear a purple Lycra catsuit without shaming myself and my family??
I do enjoy having a stable gig, that I don't mind and like the people...maybe because I am ALREADY friends with one of the people I work with. More on that in coming blogs.
Its a job I can do and still concentrate on goals. Goals that can be financed by me...not some douche.
Um, and I already have a Starbucks because it is in my building. Like in the lobby, so I don't have far to go to get a fix-haven't charmed anyone yet because its been TOO EARLY and I am just happy to be there, yo.

Monday, November 16, 2009

The Place Where I Work: All Good in the Hood

At some point during this past weekend I was over at a friends house and we were looking at a pic of another friend of mine...who happened to male-okay, maybe we were Facebook stalking- and my friend says, "Woah his eyes are intense" and I say, "Yeah, they look like he would be looking you dead in the eye while fuckin' you."
Again I was applauded for my ability to take.it.there and then I thought about today, the first day of a new job where you get fucked all bashful like- then again, maybe I just wanted to share that story.
All in all, we know how I feel about the beginnings of things. Everything is wonderful. People think you're swell and don't show the monster beneath till YOU'RE IN IT...or like a month or so. I equate it to new relationships. Good times.

Of course I have already formulated opinions and feel I will be okay here, but I'll let you know by the end of this week. For right now, I must concentrate on being here at 7:30AM. Me. Its for training purposes and I am getting paid, but...me. Seven-thirty AM! That's the morning. Like if I had to be at an airport or something I'd be fine...but um, to come to Midtown-that is ALL I'll disclose (mooohahahah)- doesn't seem feasible. It seems more like I'll be leaving my house before the sun comes up and be a possible SVU victim (Law & Order...my favorite one, not just cause of Ice-T, but the ensemble). I know myself well enough to know, by Friday...someone is getting shanked. Could be a friend. Person on the train. Possible lover...but someones skin is getting penetrated by something sharp and I will be holding the instrument and smiling wildly.
Speaking of splitting skin. I came up with this gem today when discussing the hotness of dudes so far (which will take me awhile to attain since the company is LARGE) and I replied with: have seen no one worth splitting lips over.
As in dropping seed....you know HAVING kids??!!
Yeah. I am a class act.

Oh, I cheated. Totally cheated. I worked somewhere on Friday and didn't blog...because I kinda wanted to blow the place up, but then didn't care because I got this job offer and was on cloud 9 for the rest of the day. The place did have Twizzlers AND a pervy stalker for me!
I'll call him Vince Vaughn...because he looked like Vince Vaughn. He was enamored from 9AM till 5:35PM...and I was just like Vince, back the eff up and carry these boxes for me. He did prove himself useful, but sadly didn't realize that I only like dudes that don't like me back...DUH, Vince Vaughn.
Plus, the whole pervy stalker thing, which sounds good on paper, but in the end, is not so cool.
Wish me luck on getting here at SEVEN.THIRTY.AM

Saturday, November 14, 2009

A-HA Moments

The moments where everything comes clear. On the spot clarity...almost epiphany-like, a time where personal truths are revealed for me to laugh at and ponder.

- getting called out by m'boy E for writing my ode to Thanksgiving (Gobble, Gobble Gobble...Bitches) on Veterans Day. Like I don't respect the men and women who fought for this country, and either died or came back and are/were treated worse than criminals. Come on now! I am just so excited about TDay. It cannot be contained.

- we've been talking about it, planning, strategizing...and now I can truly comprehend that m'girl Double Deuce is moving from Boston to Brooklyn!! DD will be an amazing addition to the city-you'll thank me later.:)

- as I walked into a company I was interviewing with-I literally smelled money. The place smelled like endless office supplies, free lunch and lacked that air of desperation...and 'money's tight bitches'. Free bottled water is a sure sign too. Another good sign is I got the job. Holy holiday party, Batman.

- I think Turkish bread is my favorite. So warm n' soft. Mmmmmm

- had a long conversation about how amazing it is to be the rare native New Yorker with this dude who's a fellow native. Just about how on point we are...and clever. Genuinely, better people. :)

- while on the train minding my own business, reading a book even-this guy gets on. He is all unassuming and White. After 10mins he looks around himself- am seeing this with my peripheral (you know, the whole Brooklyn eyes thing)- and says quite profoundly, "I love Black women." I look around, and yes, it seems besides myself there are like 4 other Black women surrounding him. All various shades and ages. A few begin chuckling, I am still eyeing him- he then looks at me and says, "Sorry, I don't know what you are...but I am throwing you in with the bunch." I angrily squint my eyes at him-still not speaking because I am gauging how crazy this dude is. One of the beautiful loved Black women then says, "Well, she looks Latina and they're close to us anyways...."
Yes, this really happened. Too bad I had to get off the next stop so I couldn't continue to listen to the debate on my race and whether this White guy could love me. He did look at me and sigh as I exited the train. I said, "I am Black y'all." The women all laughed. He almost looked like he wanted to get off the train too-thankfully that didn't happen.
This almost escapes the confines of an A-Ha Moment...its more like a Magical Moment.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Gobble, Gobble, Gobble...Bitches!

It shouldn't be surprising that my favorite holiday is Thanksgiving, I mean you pick any three blogs I've written and it will involve me eating, cooking or thinking about eating or cooking. Its what/how I do. I love food. As a kid, I would be just as excited about Turkey Day as I was about Christmas. Now, I am more excited about giving Christmas gifts and eating till it hurts on Turkey Day.
People try to make it hard to like this day with talk of poor turkey treatment and how there is nothing THANKFUL about how Native folk are treated- this especially makes me ashamed since I have Native blood flowing through the veins, but with all the casino's I feel better about things.:)
Nothing can deter my love for the holiday that involves pies, various meats, plentiful starches, when egg nog is first put out for the holiday season, and...oh yeah, family!
My parents being somewhat smart peeps, kept the drama to a minimum by not inviting a lot of the family. So there were no big reveals or fights- the worst part was the waiting. Smelling all the good food smells and waiting till so n' so got here or till it was at least 5 'clock. Since we tried the Thanksgiving Day Parade one year...well twice. Once for me and once for my bro. This may have been when I developed my crowd anxiety-yes, I am a New Yorker who doesn't do crowds!
Anywho, tried the parade and realized it wasn't for us...so we did movies. My dad, bro and I would go to movies. We wouldn't eat popcorn, just drink because the 'TDay Fast' had to be reinforced.
Through the years, my love for the holiday hasn't wavered, but traditions change. There were the years after my parents split, then there was the time my mom went away for the holiday-still cooking before she left because she values her life, or the time I actually helped with the cooking. This was big because I don't wanna ruin a good thing. My mom can THROW.DOWN!!! As I get older and think about starting my own family I realize I need to learn how she makes the magic happen. Not all at once because if I knew how to make my moms oyster stuffing or how to bake a sweet potato pie...I would fulfill my goal of being so LARGE I am bed ridden. Who wants to be 800lbs? I DO! Why? Hey, I watch them documentaries on peeps who eat like 30,000 calories a day. Sure, the thought of eating 5 whole chickens in one sitting makes my stomach turn...but uh, they're getting married, having kids...living a life! If I could do all that from my bed AND eat 3 bacon cheeseburgers...OH MAN, would be so elated, like when one of them chicks from that show For The Love of Ray J gets her test results back and she only has 1 or 2 STD's instead of 5. Mad happy, yo!
So, I don't learn everything till I fully comprehend moderation. I got a crash course in moderation last Thanksgiving when I pretty much ate myself SICK. Like couldn't leave my house AND couldn't eat-SICK. Sad times.

This year I am going to be better with it though. Stronger. More moderate. I'm going to learn how to make my moms stuffing fo'sho'. I won't start test runs of the stuffing till about January or February-and won't eat it all myself.
....I guess it really isn't all about food for me though-like I really thought it was, I've been invited to Thanksgiving dinner by some friends, but there's NO WAY I can miss out on eating with my mom, bro and whomever else we invite.
Even The Rabbi invited me-jokingly- for some buffalo wings on TDay...because he is from Buffalo and that is how they do.:P Though I enjoy a good joke about 'stuffing' and buffalo wing appetizers, The Rabbi must quit fiddlin' with my emotions. Involving food and possible ass play- or fondling is what he's known for...HA! HA!- involving those 2 things is just mean!...or another life lesson for The Darkness. When he's about to get all cozy with the fam...and perhaps a special lady (acceptance, part of getting over it:) )...and I show up. With pie and elastic waist pants-he'll never fiddle again! Hmmm...

Truly, I don't think words can express how much I love eating-um, this holiday. Something about gathering together and just being appreciative of what you have...and each other, is a beautiful thing. Also the feeling of being so full that you sit slumped to the side like a fat house cat= priceless.

Monday, November 9, 2009

Catchin' Feelings.

I've been asked if my blog is a reflection of my soul-as in my feelings and every aspect of my existence, and my answer is simple-no.
Please don't feel cheated because I do reveal a lot of the insanity that are the inner workings of my mind-most of the time...and IT IS easier for me to express my feelings with the written word because if I do so vocally it will be: mumbled, disjointed, or mostly be curse words-which can be effective, but lack emotional depth...well...sometimes.
It may be hard to tell, but I am a sensitive being....and may have issues with feelings (nothing more than feeeeelings). Besides fearing fear itself, I fear catching me some feelings. This is not just about dudes (though I punch the air when I likes me a dude and start a countdown till when I'll hate him), it's about EVERYTHING. I think this stems from my shy, quiet, sensitive and loving youth. Man, I loved everything and everyone. Was just open and accepting (yeah, I am REALLY from Brooklyn). Believed in the goodness of people. Giver of many hugs (even to thugs) and held many hands.
Then I got slapped in the face by the dicks of life, and it made me more aware of things- like how sometimes people do sucky things. Of course one learns you don't allow people to change you....or steal your shine-but walls get built and you don't put everything on your blog.:)
Anywho, so I don't like feeling things because that means I care...and caring means I can get hurt or want to kick throats in. Means if it goes away I'll miss it. Awww. Slowly, I'm becoming more emotionally mature and am handling things better. It's okay to care. It's okay not to. If things get effed, oh well, I've dealt with and will deal with a lot worse.
Its been a slow process though. Slow.

A lot of it has to do with being a proactive human being. Not just sitting around with your head up your own ass-or mine...unless...
I mentioned a few blogs ago about how I was looking into volunteering because I'm sick of it being all me, me, me. Being part of 'the bigger picture' helps with keeping things in perspective and being emotionally sound. Put out good, and it feels real good. You get over being scared of ...feelings, and just living life. Being appreciative of what you have and humbled by all you don't know. The ability to feel and not be a scared girl about it, is simply the best.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

The Place Where I Work: Like Groundhog Day, but not...

It felt like the movie 'Groundhog Day' today. My day seemed to go the same as yesterday:

- wake up after sleeping for about 3 good hours
-get dressed, clothes are miraculously ironed and match
-somehow make it on train
- am in zombie-like state
- get lost in train station (I should be flogged with 100 hot dogs and rats should chew off my fingernails for being a native New Yorker)
- trip...falling into passerby
- stumble into Starbucks
- realize that I cannot order coffee by grunting, and concentrate on forming sentences
- feel better after drinking coffee, but want to sleep under desk immediately...can't

...the only difference was I voted today, which is always an experience in Sheepshead Bay. Let's just say my district...zone...whatnot is not filled with people of color. So going to vote is like being the first Black person who walked into the diner that just took down (because they kinda HAD to) their 'Whites only' sign. Hush of crowd. Whispering. No dogs or water hoses-which is nice.

The Matador's looks of lust were another consistent thing, the difference was my lack of interest. He is still hot...and if this were another day-like tomorrow- I would be all excited and do my usual imagined situations...involving him, me and some sofrito.
Today I didn't have the capacity to have deep thoughts and sweet, sweet fantasy. Luckily I was able to discuss my deep thoughts with a friend, and put everything in perspective. Then I was able to focus on keeping my eyes open and form sentences. No extra energy for humor or flirtation, just enough to not growl at people.

The win of the day was when I popped something in my mouth-pause- just as The Matador walks by my desk (which seemed to be his route all day). He looks at me, smirks...and then looks down at his crotch.
Can't make this stuff up-and I didn't throw up in my mouth because I was impressed by his non-blatant/blatant sexual harassment. It was pure genius because it was almost like I was sexually harassing him!!!
Would bow down to him...but...uh...yeah...

Monday, November 2, 2009

The Place Where I Work: The Look

For some reason I could not sleep last night. This made getting up and ready for work...great. Mostly I was a zombie with headphones, and though I knew where I was going-to the best assignment ever. The place involving hot dudes and soccer, I got turned around and slightly lost because I was sooooo zombie-like. Even had a hard time ordering my coffee at Starbucks, but luckily I made it through...and after a few gulps...I knew I would be alright.
Then I remembered the hot Japanese dude on the train who was watching me as I slept-I know this because when I woke up he was still looking. There was also this other HOT dude I am going to go out on a limb and say he's a jerk...simply because he had on a well-tailored suit and had a toothpick hanging out of his mouth. Which I still find hot for some reason, but it was 8AM and something about that just reads:sleazy. Still sexy though. These pleasant memories of hotness carried me through most of the morning since most of the resident hot dudes were running late due to running the NYC marathon yesterday.
All these athletic peeps....except for the chick I call Lumpy, who ran the marathon-good on her- but then walked like she had been gang banged by a group of dudes fresh out of Sing Sing. I thought to myself: this is why I don't run marathons.
Even if I wouldn't mind getting trained by most of these dudes...and by 'trained' I mean banged out repeatedly.
Speaking of 'banged out'...let's talk about The Matador. Our relationship has been a roller coaster. He started out hating me. Then he loved me. Now he wants to show me HOW MUCH he loves me. Remember I am the girl who NEVER knows when a dude wants to put.it.in...unless he says so or demonstrates. So picture me getting THE LOOK from The Matador. That man made me shiver. I contemplated some strong sexual harassment techniques, but decided against it. Would ride it out-THEN he asks me if I am leaving soon....I stare him a few moments before I PLAY IN MY HAIR and say ohhh yeah. Not in a friendly coworker way, it was in a 'I am thinking about you nekked' way. He gave me THE LOOK again, and I realized I had to check myself, before I wrecked myself indeed.
Thank goodness for Justin Fingerbang and his disdain for my non-athleticism. Since I am loved by everyone, I was given a shitload of candy. Since I am nervous because I am contemplating taking.it.there with The Matador in the closet, I am downing mini Snickers bars. JF does NOT approve.
May need to sic my ole friend Dracul on him. Dracul must have that ancient ring that allows vamps to walk in the daylight because he and I rode the elevator down together when I was on my way to lunch. He was very happy to see me and commented on how he hadn't turned his watch back and proceeded to do so without his eyes leaving my face. Damn you Dracul.
What if Dracul found out about The Matador's AKA his daytime helper's, intentions towards me???? Have to keep the secret from coming out...yet get Dracul to put JF in a trance where he eats only corn dogs and that 7 pattie Whopper that's out in Japan.