Monday, December 23, 2013

You Were Driving That Car In Brooklyn....

This weekend I may have come in contact with my soulmate!
Dig if you will this picture of me walking down 5th Avenue in Park Slope with a few of my friends.  As I stand at the curb about to cross the street, I notice a dude sitting alone in his black sedan-like car staring at me.  I get 'Brooklyn ready'- meaning I ready myself for a: drive-by shooting, drive-by raping, drive-by decapitation, etc.
It takes a while for me to register that dude is blasting.  I mean BLASTING *Nsync's 'It's Gonna Be Me'!  My mouth drops and I tell anyone who can hear me- mostly my friends and random people walking down the street- that I have met my SOULMATE.  I then proceed to follow the car...which has thankfully been stopped by a red light.  When I catch up to the car, I find the guy singing along...still by himself...still blasting *Nsync!
I am smitten.
Then his car continues driving and I am not about that chasing cars life.  I also don't feel the need to go on Craigslist 'missed connections' to get some dude writing me who wants to make a tracksuit out of my flesh.

For now, we'll always have those few stolen moments when I thought he was going to kill me, but then realized that he was blasting *Nsync so he HAD to be my soulmate!  We'll always have Park Slope, Brooklyn.  We'll always have *Nsync.

Thursday, December 5, 2013

The Place Where I Work: No Desk Sex!

Ah, to be humbled.
So the place where I am working now is going well so far- I already have an office crush AND I don't want to punch anyone repeatedly.  Yay.
Sadly though, my office crush and any other dude in this office is not gonna wanna dip their manhood into my feminine depths any time soon because of my company introduction.  There was an email sent out yesterday just talking about who I am and what I will be doing here-basically it read:

This is Honey T, queen of all things and master n' commander of your sexual fantasies...but in a corporate professional way.

BUT THEN they had to add a picture.
I was approached about taking a picture yesterday and promptly said: nope.  My hair was done enough for work but not for memories.  My outfit and makeup were good enough to be seen....but again, not for a company wide email!!
To compromise, I was told I could send a pic...but when I did I was told it wasn't the right type of pic- i.e. bland corporate head shot that does not allow for my 'Mariah Carey' angles or good lighting.  Needless to say I was peeved.  Peeved and having to take a pic with my hair and my outfit.
Then I see the email...with the picture...and I am just humbled by my homeliness.  Then I am saddened by the fact that no one will be having any sexual fantasies about me or will try to get fresh at the holiday party in two weeks.
My office crush will be all prepared to touch himself...and then open that email, see that picture and lose his erection...and lose his will to come into work anymore.

You may be thinking I am doing my usual overreacting/over thinking, but today people have been coming up to me and saying: you are much better looking in person.

Case closed.

Cheers to no desk sex in 2014!!

Wednesday, December 4, 2013

The Bone List: Dead Sexy

With the recent death of Paul Walker, I have decided to create a Bone List that involves dead men I would totally bone...when/if they were alive.  Paul would've been on my Bone List anyways, but his untimely death has inspired this list of doable spirit men.
Being respectful of the dead is a priority with me as I don't want to be haunted so there will be no help from Paula Deen or Robin Thicke to create Ghost-like moments to enhance the mood.  #Respect

Lemme start with Paul Walker....

He was always on my radar even though I only saw like one Fast and Furious movie AND I am not into blond hair and blue eyes aka that Aryan whitey-white look.  There was just something about his face though.  I also enjoyed that you would only hear about him when his movies came out, he was never out in the club snortin' coke off a Kardashian's labia or anything.  Being a fairly private person myself, I appreciated that.
...also, let's face it- dude was DREAMY.  He just reminded me of a warm Cali sunset.  Just sitting on a beach blanket sipping coconut water and talking about dolphins...that is what he makes me feel like!
Paul wasn't someone I 'sweated' on the regs but I always enjoyed him...and always enjoyed looking at him.  #RIP

Next up on this sexy souuuuulll train (literally) is Tupac....

Er'body needs a lil intelligent thug in their life and Tupac was mine.  He was charming, smart, rude, funny and one of the few actor/rappers that didn't annoy me!  He made me feel like I could sip some type of liquor from a paper bag while he read Keats to me.  I loved that he was a trouble maker and hate that he was killed by Diddy...or Suge Knight.

Um, THIS Michael Jackson....

Sure, when he was this MJ I was too young to think up sexual fantasies, but BOY did I have a crush on him.  He was about 1 or 2 nose jobs in, just had the embarrassing jherri curl and had the beautiful skin tone.  I had his stickers all on my notebooks.  I thought we could hold hands and just sip milkshakes or something...maybe throw in a Super Mario game.  A little Honey T had dreams, yo!

Finally...Mr. Paul Newman...

Granted, I only saw older Paul Newman in my youth, but I always had a thing for him.  Something deep and soulful in them eyes.  I loved how much he loved his wife and his salad dressings are legit.  He just seemed like a real stand-up guy that would make a pleasant lover if he wasn't married and I was old enough for those types of things.

*Le sigh* This list just made me and my loins really sad.

Tuesday, December 3, 2013

You Don't Know My Life: So Many Questions

*Sorry for the delay but with the holiday and just a lot on my mind lately*

Oh Scandal, you intense bitch!
Where to begin...there is just too too much!
FIRST, let's start with everyone's fave- #MamaPope.  Now, I had a feeling she was alive through 'Livs interrogation of Fitz-well she just kept repeating that question about him shooting down a plane...but mostly I was noticing her hair (Olivia's).  I haven't been feeling it too tough lately- her clothes are always perfection- but the hair is 'meh'.
Then we find out #MamaPope has been kept in this prison-type situation for over 20 years and of course Master of Everything (Evil) aka Eli Pope (Olivia's dad) has everything to do with it.  Just have so many questions-

1. Why?
2. No really, why are we locking moms away...and now 20 years later she's all 'I needs to see my daughter'?
3. Was she drugged?  If so, who kept with her hair appointments?  Or is that a wig?
4. Like why does anything evil have to do with either Cyrus or Eli Pope??!!

...and then, and then WHY is Quinn so fuckin' stupid? Like what did Olivia see in her to make her a 'gladiator'??  I am besides myself with happiness that Huck is going to drill her up/torture her!  Huck has had NO TIME for her and I am with him- I would totally hang with Huck and his weird ass because he keeps it simple AND loyal.  There is no room for the BS because he is just trying to cope and not kill bitches.  I respect that.
I am also supposed to respect Mellie because of the whole her dad-in-law raping her and impregnating her, and yes it gave me insight to her insanity, but I still love the whole Olivia/Fitz thing...even  if Fitz makes me want to punch him repeatedly at times.  Then he does something manly and I am like 'ohhhhh Fitz'.  The actress that plays Mellie-Bellamy Young I believe- really is magnificent though because sometimes I am so Team Mellie....but that doesn't mean I want her with Fitz. Ha!

The whole Cyrus and Mellie thing makes me giddy.  They are perfectly evil and everything bites them in the ass which is satisfying- like Cy's hubby boning Sally Langston's hubby out of SPITE was fantastic and deserved!  Old Cy had the nerve to CRY.
Can't wait to see his back story too!

There has just been so much.  So much intensity, yet things are tying together...I am gonna need Noel (Jake) to go somewhere.  He means well, but he needs to get a life or something.  Also, having Harrison sleep with Phoebe's (whatever the female candidate name is) daughter/sister was just giving him the 'tip' of a story line.  Just throwing him a bone...literally.  It was highly unnecessary AND insulting. Bleah.
Am gearing up for the 2 part winter finale which I am going to need therapy for- but then I think about Fitz building that house for 'Liv...and boning her DOWN in the house he built and it makes me feel warm inside.  Makes me feel like everything is going to be okay...BUT IT'S NOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ahhhh...