Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Better.


There's a sorta psychology to losing a lil chub. You still think you're larger and proceed to buy clothing too large for you because it's what you're used to, and you have to deal with people's reactions. You must process everything while keeping your ego in check and making time for hours of Hulu to catch up on Nikita and Bones...also American Horror Story.
So now that I have processed and am able to be proud of myself without becoming a conceited bitch....I just think I'm better than certain things....people...situations.
I look at dudes I have crushed on and am like: REALLY? I thought you were worthy of frequent bangin' and possible breakfast making?! Meh.

Then it doesn't help that when I go to stores like say...Fresh to purchase soap- love love love their soaps, lip balms, lotions (that won't kill me with orange oil), etc.- and the cashier ringing me up is looking at me like he knows me. Like he's seen me on TV...because I look like a TV star...and have been on TV (oh snap). He says he has serviced me before- HAVE NEVER MET THIS DUDE IN MY LIFE!
He is starting to creep.me.out.
A few days later, I come home to find a card from Fresh in the mail. I am thinking: ooo what is this new product you want me to try Fresh??
Instead I find the above note written to me by the cashier who...thought he knew me from somewhere....

The moral of the story is, there is a reason I think I am celeb and therefore BETTER because shit like this happens.

Sunday, January 22, 2012

The Time I Went To See 'Red Tails' AKA Foolish Africans





Admittedly, I did not want to see this movie. Not because I hate Black people and do not support Black films- no this was because I knew the trailers leading up to the movie would be all Tyler Perry, and ...Terrence Howard along with Ne-Yo are in this movie.
So I was real meh about it.
Then I saw commercials with explosions and my butch self got REAL excited. The peeps I went with also threw in a DELISH Thai dinner after the movie and I was like: HELLS YESSSSS!! With the promise of food and some possibly hot dudes...I went to see Red Tails.

Of course I was right, there is a NEW Tyler Perry movie coming out. Geez. Then they showed the trailer for Battleship!! What a shit show. Rihanna is in that mess. Throughout the trailer-whenever they showed her I sang 'S.O.S!!!' or 'Umbrell-ella-ella-ella ay ay ay".
I am FUN to go to the movies with. Even with the dude who sat behind us FARTING! Just think about it. My head was right around his crotch area (stadium seating). I was pissed!!

So the movie starts with impossibly bad dialogue...and then just continues with really bad dialogue. More importantly after a quote is posted about how inferior and dumb coloreds are and hence they shouldn't fight in the army, you then see some White fighter pilot dudes just get zapped by ze Germans.
OH, so Red Tails is the B movie version of the Tuskeegeee Airmen...there was a better version of their story done, this one is for this generation. A generation that idolizes Lil Wayne and Kim Kardashian.

The time is the 1940's and Whitey has finally allowed Blackie to fight the good fight...which meant not fighting at all. Just flying around shooting standing targets. No glory in that.
This sends Babywipes aka Terrence Howard into a TIZZY. He's a colonel or something so he is all in Washington letting The Man know that his men are just as qualified. Breaking Bad aka the dad from Malcolm in the Middle is a RACIST. He was all like: eff you Babywipes, Negroes ain't shit.

While back in Italy where the Tuskeegees are stationed, we get to know about them. I guess it was supposed to make us emotionally involved. It didn't. It did however make me ADD to my 'can get it' list! I called him Pseudo Denzel. He is FINEEEE!...I mean...DENZEL?! Pseudo Denzel is a drinker and feels mad pressure because...he looks like Denzel. That's a lot of swagger to handle. Pseudo Denzel is besties with this dude I call the Black Mans Dream. Black Mans Dream was an AWESOME pilot...and found himself a White woman to have by his side...hence...the Black Mans Dream.
There was Ne-Yo and METHOD MAN! Every time he came on the screen, I threw up the Wu sign and said, 'Wu Tang Clan ain't nothin' to fuck wit!'.
There was that kid from Moesha who prayed to a Black Jesus- he might've been my favorite. Then there was this kid who pretty much sucked the youth from Cuba Gooding Jr- who was also in the movie...sucking...on...a pipe. That's all he did.
Anywho, this kid looked like Cuba.
There was music and I guess deep chats. I mostly waited for the explosions...OR was holding my breath cuz the dude behind me was SHITTING HIS PANTS.

Babywipes comes through and the Tuskeegees get to show what they're working with. They do, VICTORY ALL AROUND!
I had to give Breaking Bad aka the dad from Malcolm in the Middle props because he tells Babywipes- I don't give a solid fuck what your boys did, they still ain't shit!
Babywipes did that thing he does which makes the audience go: OOOOOOOO!....but I couldn't open my mouth because the dude behind me was SHARTING!

The guys go on another mission which gets the Black Mans Dream killed and loses the young Cuba Gooding Jr. dude...who then gets captured by some Germans leading to the BEST line in the movie.
Young Cuba is about to escape from the German clutches with some White soldiers, and just as they are about to disappear into the night the White solider says to him: you're lucky, it's not like they can see you

...because it was night time and he was Black.

Oh, the second best line was when the German fighter pilots realized they were fighting Black men. One of them says: I'll get you foolish Africans!!

Best.Thing.Ever!

So everyone is sad about the Black Mans Dream dying, and just as Ne-Yo is about to sing (AGAIN)-almost causing me to leave my mouth open and let the gas from behind KILL ME- Young Cuba returns to the group and there is a group hug...and chicken.
There was no chicken.

I left the movie not HATING IT...but definitely giving it the side eye. It made me feel a certain way knowing that Black officers not only had to deal with being soldiers but that they were still treated like shit by fellow White soldiers. It made me wanna just start throwing punches around Park Slope.

Go see the movie if you like bomber jackets, aviator specs, sexy Black dudes and B movie dialogue.

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Conversations with Ice: Teabag




Since Ice T (the friend in my head)and Coco were in Hawaii he decided I should hang with Kanye West so that I wouldn't miss him too much. It's like comparing apples to a bag of dry yet sweaty dicks.
Thankfully it is time for them to do an exchange- yes, like a child or pet- Kanye is bringing me to the Russian Tea Room and Ice will meet us there and take me home or for a quick run through at Target.
Ice is running a little late, so I have to still chit chat with 'Ye....who has decided to only respond with: ball so hard
I don't think I need to explain how I feel about this.


Me: (while looking through a menu) Would now be considered 'high tea' time?


Kanye:
Ball so hard.

Me: What?

Kanye: Ball so hard.

Me: You're really doing this?

Kanye: Ball so hard.

Me: Okay. Fine. So what did you and Drake do to each other when you pulled off your thongs and kilts?

Kanye: (pauses) ....ball...so...hard.

Me: Nice. And what did you say while deep throating Jay's (Z's) balls in the studio that one night and you coughed a lil?

Kanye: (through gritted teeth) Ball so hard.

Me: Don't be mad at me you made the choice! [Ice T joins us]

Me: ICE! (I jump up and and we hug)

Ice T: T! Hey T. Hey 'Ye...

Me: You're gonna regret that...

Kanye: Ball so hard...

Ice T: (looks at me) What the fuck is going on here?

Me: 'Ye has chosen today to just respond with 'ball so hard'. He does this sometimes. Last week it was 'Imma let you finish...'. This is what you left me with! Next time leave me alone. ALONE!

Ice T: Calm down. (turns to Kanye) I am not a violent dude, but if you mention some balls in a conversation with me again...Imma hit you.


Kanye:
Y'all don't appreciate art. Y'all are real regular.

Me: Well if regular means not being a whiny asshole, then cheers to being regular! (Ice and I tap our teacups delicately)

Kanye: I just don't understand-two weeks and you didn't even ask if you could touch my dick.

Me: (I choke) Would rather ask you to design an outfit for me.

Ice T: You don't get what me and T have. It's not about touching pleasurable areas, it's about just chillin'. T, you will never have to worry about me leaving you with another bitch. I'm sorry.

Me: You better be. This shit was rough...let's go get some cheesecake or somethin'. (Ice and I leave Kanye sitting at the tearoom.)

Kanye: Y'all will be back. My dick will be touched.

Monday, January 16, 2012

Good Things I Have Put In My Mouth Lately: This Spinach App at Zerza



Recently, my food club and I- *ahem* the Grub & Tug Supper Club and I ventured to Morocco by way of Zerza (East Village, NYC).
We usually order a number of appetizers, entrees and desserts...to get a real feel for the food. Or taste of it.
We go in!

This appetizer- I have forgotten the name- but it involved spinach, chickpeas, lemon, the semen of an infertile man, etc.
IT WAS SO GOOD! Just goes to show that keeping it simple always goes a long way. I could snack on this ALL DAY LONG even though I would have spinach in my teeth ALL.THE.TIME making my 'dating life' really ...uh...interesting.

Zerza has great ambiance and the rest of the food was delish. Go there, order this app, invite me, order another app and ENJOY!

Game. On.

So, remember when I thought I couldn't delete my online dating profile because I forgot my password....due to a severe 'blond' moment and an informative asshat, I found that if I just changed my password, I would be RELEASED...
but...
...then I thought about it. It is 2012. I need to put myself out there and not become the recluse I am wont to be. Also, the stories...um what's the point of bloggin' about kittens n' shit. I'd rather discuss amazing feats of douchebaggery and how dudes are really strange.
Really, really strange.
So, I still have my profile- let the FUN begin!!

In other news, people want to be friends with me- I am awesome, but my deal breakers are when you're just not a well mannered decent human being. That gets me beyond pissed, I shiver with wanting to punch you in the wind pipe.
Then I get all reflective and am like...dayum, don't I come off like a person who wouldn't stand for that shit?
But because most people are so wishy-washy, and very few actually stand behind who they are- others think that you will just switch-hit during the final moments.
Woah, did you notice my baseball terminology? Did I even use it right?
Am such a butch!

Game on= online dating.

Sunday, January 8, 2012

Good Things I Have Put In My Mouth Lately: Olea

...deciding to break the 'angrily reflective' mood, I remembered back to the New Years Day brunch that was had at Olea (Fort Greene, Brooklyn).


Though we had to wait a bit- to be expected for such an important brunch- when we were seated, we were greeted by these...



CHOCOLATE MUTHAFUCKIN' CROISSANTS.
I have spent the better part of my week...and weekend, thinking about them croissants. Olea wanted us to start our 'healthy New Years resolutions' another day...first we HAD to have them croissants.
Silence fell upon the table. When I finally looked up after about 20 minutes of relishing that delish treat- I saw buttery smiling mouths.
We were pleased and deemed this a fantastic start to the New Year!!

Overall, Olea has great decor, good food...and them croissants! Seems to be a North African/Middle Eastern vibe going on, so if you're into freshly made hummus, get yours boo!

You Ever Had One Of Those Days

...where you have no idea what you're saying or doing and you keep having flashbacks of recent moments and you begin kicking yourself because you could've said SOMETHING that would have of you out of this fuckery you're in???

I think that's a long winded way of me saying that I am pretty much done with a lot of situations and should've probably said something MONTHS ago...weeks ago..days ago...but I am not perfect.
'Fuck You' also doesn't cover EVERYTHING. Most things, but not everything.

I am glad these loooong winter months are upon us, where I shall be a recluse. In March though, am doing a weekend trip to Puerto Rico. Alone. ALONE.

...then I tried to delete my online dating account and CANNOT REMEMBER MY PASSWORD so now that shit won't go away!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Also, Pitbull. I don't know if I have really delved into how much I dislike him. He is added to the list of things that turn my smile into a frown. Well, a frown that turns into a grimace...then punching.
I really, really dislike Pitbull and might've heard him or something while I was going through this day...
Something about him and that little piece of chin hair he has. UGH!

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

As The Online Dating World Turns: ...Uh....Yeah

Alright. I am nearing that part of the game where I kill the account- AGAIN!
Damn me.

Okay, it's not all the way me. There are a lot of lame, crazy, killa-type dudes online...and the thing is, I meet these SAME dudes in the streets, on the train, at lounges even if I am sitting in a corner alone and scowling.
I've said this before and then have deleted my account.

The latest (and not nearly greatest) is this dude who happens to be a tatted, hair stylist. My interest was piqued...till I read his introductory email-which I almost didn't read because it was written like this:

hello I'm going to try my hand at being somewhat sane...BUT I AM REALLY CRAZY AND WILL SHOW YOU BY WRITING THE REST OF THIS MESSAGE IN ALL CAPS!

Which is what he did.

He also mentioned me in liquid leggings, me being his ace and his moms-not that he wanted me to be his mami, but that I seemed like someone he could tell his moms about.
What?
Dude you really don't know if I had 10 kinds of dicks in my mouth the night before AFTER killing a basket of kittens...and you mentioning moms?
Because I like to keep myself entertained and feel I am worthy enough to bring home to moms, so I reply back to him mentioning that his email was a tad overwhelming and that I would rather eat dirty needles than wear liquid leggings (something about seeing too too many sluts in them).
I figured maybe he was nervous and that I could pull that lil bit of sanity out of him.
I was wrong.
He attempted humor and delved deeper into insanity so I decided to just stop responding because I don't want to end up being dead chick in a Lifetime movie.

So that happened and the one dude that was cool wants to be....friends.
Yeah.
Then I am waiting for the train contemplating an island get-a-way when I see thee best looking dude I have seen in a minute! He was out of this world-with lips....and he got off of the train he was on so he could wait on the platform with me, but I had to get on the train because I was cold and had a Chopped (best show on Food Network) to watch.
I know it was supposed to end with digits exchanged and his lips somewhere near my neck BUT this is ME and I get so focused on non-cockly things....which is another reason why I am single.

Anyways, this all leads me to being like- THE HELL WITH THIS! Will give this online thing maybe 1 more month and then DAS IT. Imma just do me- which means meeting these same types of dudes in life and going straight 'predator mode on that ass' (as Ru says).

....just means cats and more cats.

More Perspective.

2012 is proving to be as BIG as I think it is. My cousin who was as good as done, on life support- now has made a wonderful turn for the better. Like a miracle. He is off life support and is fighting!!

2012 is a beast!

I'm telling you 3 people that read this- shit is real, and anything is possible!

Get. Yours.

Monday, January 2, 2012

Perspective.

Sometimes things happen that make you realize you are on the right track- like when I said that 2012 was going to the year of the honey badger, which means living, yo. Living and not suffering fools.
I was in the process of getting caught up in some nonsense when I get news that my youngish cousin-while out enjoying the first day of the new year- suffered 2 brain aneurysms. Today he is on life support and will most likely be unplugged (i.e. technically dead) this week.

That's how quick it can all go away. You're celebrating Christmas...then New Years (going hard like I was)...then BOOM, you're gone.

So seriously folks, you better get it in and fuck (not literally) whoever is not with program.