Thursday, December 30, 2010

The Place Where I Work: Final Countdown

The place I've been working at since last week is located in the heart of Times Square-the ball drops right outside it's windows and the streets are flooded with people who lack the ability to walk or not stand in the middle of a walkway and point at a GAP.
The office environment doesn't have the 'old school corporate' steez (urban for style) of the last place I worked at-it also doesn't have a cast of fuckwits like the last place I worked at. For the first time I didn't hate anyone upon sight- then again it has been the holidays and I am mostly in a daze or recovering from some kind of alcoholic experience. There's also the pesky snow that kept me homebound for a few days. Stranded. Defenseless. Unable to quell my gingerbread loaf addiction at Starbucks because the Starbucks in my neighborhood probably has loaf of bulls loin-or whatever meat they eat in Russia.
...mostly though, I think it was all the HOT dudes in the office- now this could also be because the last place I worked at was filled with hunchbacked trolls...who were able to walk upright sometimes-OKAY all except my dear dear Clark Kent. Anyways, dudes here have been pretty easy on the eyes. There's this guy I just call Dude in my head because he's...just...a...dude. Really tall, well put together...cute and a dude. He impressed me when he complimented some email I sent where I was being my usual subtle sarcastic assy (amazing) self. Feed me or my ego- at the same time or individually- and you'll have my interest for a few moments.
My fascination though has been with the guy I call Taller Latino Prince simply because he looks like Prince...not like a twin, but he reminds me of him around the eyes and mouth.
Add looking similar to Prince to my list of things that make me like a person.
TLP has also fed me (not his wang, calm down), so even if he turned out to be the biggest asshat in history...I would ADORE him!
...because I am not alllll about chasing dick (well I leave a few hours free to do other things) I must say that the chicks here are cool as well...don't get me wrong, have come across a few people I would definitely trip onto some train tracks-but they don't illicit a deep rooted hatred in me so it's all good.
*sigh* It's tough to find a nice assignment that doesn't fill me with utter angst/dread with the thought of returning. I would totally return here.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Still Snowwwwwwwwed In!

Mind slowly getting lost.
Started looking for old eps of 'Angel' and the first season of 'True Blood' but finally settled on watching The Bourne Supremecy and a Top Model marathon.
My brief moment outside was uninspiring and uneventful since NO TRAINS ARE RUNNING (near me) and the closest train running isn't really that close at all.
No buses. No cabs...unless you jump on top of one as it slowly moves down the middle of the road you're walking down because the sidewalks are piled high with snow...but if you throw your body upon a cab and maybe put your hand through the windshield and start choking the cab driver, you JUST MIGHT have yourself a cab ride.
Outdoors, it really is like one of them zombie/end of the world movies with the silent disarray. Thankfully zombies don't do elements so I don't have to add that to the list of things that are fucked up about New York City not being able to handle some SNOW! I went to college in Buffalo where snow and cold are common like the piss smell and a crazy person sitting next to you on the train here (NYC). Isn't snow just water molecules or something? It's not like it's liquid plutonium-why is it stopping my trains from running TWO DAYS IN A ROW!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The closest Starbucks to me has a menu in RUSSIAN!!!!!!....if drinks involve some sort of chocolate-vodka concoction, then I'm there! much as I am enjoying my insane ramblings on snow, I have to put my bitch card away n' quit whining about the snow and no trains because there were people stuck on some trains for hours. There are people probably stuck on planes now. I told my brother that if I was stuck on a train for 8 hours-someone.would.die!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is a brief summary of what would happen if I were stuck on a train for 8 hours:

-hour 1: pissed.
-hour 2: pissed and cold.
-hour 3: pissed, cold and probably would have to pee.
-hour 4: an abundance of hatred for all mankind glows like a coal within my chest, am really fuckin' cold, have to really pee, I am HUNGRY, the battery has run out on iPod and now someone has spoken to me.
-hour 5: through gritted teeth I begin cursing in various languages and have found a train car with just 5 other people who I tell to: NOT FUCKING TALK TO ME, DON'T EVEN LOOK AT ME FUCKERS!, am a little warmer from movement, am numb from hunger and having to pee.
-hour 6: someone mistakes my faraway stare because I am imagining myself driving a golf cart in Hawaii while drinking a mai tai and Prince is sitting in my passenger side-anyways they ask me about my life. The next thing I know I am covered in blood spatter and have ripped their arm from their body and proceed to beat them with it.
-hour 7: I begin running through the train waving the still bleeding arm in my hand and screaming: FML! SMH! LOL! LMFAO! (repeatedly)
-hour 8: we finally get released from the train and I am suddenly just in Ugg boots, jeggings and a ripped t-shirt waving someones bloodied arm at the newscaster. I go on a 20 minute rant about the many ways people can kiss my crazy ass and eat a bowl of dicks.

So, yeah. That is what would happen if I was stuck on a train for 8 hours. Needless to say I would much rather be stuck at home, but DAMMIT THE TRAINS NEED TO RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tomorrow, I am on a mission. By hook or by crook I will make into the elbow tourists...*sigh*

Monday, December 27, 2010


Some people- mostly White people (hahah I kid)- enjoy this cold snowy weather. I enjoy snow myself. It's quiet, it's pretty (the first day) and it's like a down blanket covering all of the city's flaws. Can be rather poetic...snow.
Then there's the stuff that happened this weekend-a friggin' blizzard that! No trains, buses, cars-everything SHUT.DOWN.
Normally, I'd be all about this. A day off to watch bad movies, read (got some amazing reads for xmas-thanks bro)and just laze about. When you have been doing this for about 4 days though-it stops being fun!
The holidays are about family and eating-plus most of your peeps are out of town...and why brave the cold to hang out alone.
So, one looks forward to Monday where they are going back to work, which is now a refuge because everyone's on vacation, and you can lick your wounds from spending 4 days with your family. Then a snowstorm happens, and you are stuck. STUCK. Wounds all unhealed. Staring out your window at the relentless winds and cars covered in that wretched snow!

The best part is all the sleep I have caught up on. Feel great, back to my ole feisty self.
...once I step into a thigh high snow drift my feisty-ness will flicker away and the cold depression will settle back in.

Another great part about today is being able to remember one of my favorite singers, Teena Marie. She died suddenly, and today I have been listening to her music while the news reports that WE WILL NEVER LEAVE THIS CITY AGAIN or...people will NEVER GET INTO THIS CITY AGAIN...or...uh, WE WILL NEVER GET AROUND THIS CITY AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Watch and Learn

I love it how now EVERYBODY loves Coco (Ice T's wife). I've been on Team Coco for the longest-and now there are articles being written about the MAD LOVE er'body has for her. Probably the same people I had to defend my precious Coco against...
We all know how I feel/imagine Ice T and I should be/are friends. I understand that with my love for Ice I must have love for Coco. They are a matching twinset made of patent leather and jersey material. Quite a Coco's ass and boobs.
Honestly, I think married couples far n' wide should look to Ice and Coco for inspiration.
Sure, upon first glance they look like a pimp and his main ho-but what they really are is a TEAM. Coco is ride or die for Ice, and Ice is ride or die for Coco.
...and really what other type of chick could you see Ice with? Coco brings A LOT to the table, stays in her lane, and has heart.
They respect each other, roll everywhere together-and just seem to genuinely dig each other. Like they are friends n' shit.
With all these fly-by-night marriages/romances, it's cool to see these two-though some would think unconventional- are tried n'true. They make it work and are having a blast-and dare I say it...Ice T and Coco are one of my relationship inspirations (added to the list with: Lorelai and Rory Gilmore, Buffy and Angel, Rick James and cocaine, Ossie and Ruby Dee, and Eric Northam and Sookie Stackhouse)!! I truly aspire to have what they have with someone...and I might not even start dressing like Coco.

Monday, December 20, 2010

Ball to the Face

The place where I am working now has an intimate view of the New Years ball in Times Square. This means I have to face the dilema of what to do for New Years (on the daily).
Do I wanna make a go of it and try to be social n' fun, or do I want bring it in sleeping? I am leaning towards the latter because people have really worked my last nerve/done a number on my jovial spirit this year. Along with meeting some amazing people and having awesome times, there have been moments when I wish I were a hermit or had an all-amenitied cabin in the woods.
No, I would not send pipe bombs from said cabin.
Am a big believer in how you bring your New Years in dictates how your year will be-so what do I want it filled with??
...I know I left the door open with the obvious answer: dick-but I am enlightened lady and need more than that., unless 2011 brings about a change in dudes where they are no longer emotionally stunted/immature asshats- then maybe.

Decisions, decisions...

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Don't Worry About Me...

There's a certain look that people who are coupled up get...or a tone a person has in their voice when they've found that special someone and then the fact you haven't comes up. It's a tone one takes when someone is dying in your arms and you know they are going to die and they know they're going to die...but you say: you're gonna live and be alright!
A kind of weak hopefulness.
I find this very amusing especially because the people in these relationships don't realize how much I DON'T envy them. Don't get me wrong, it'll be nice to find that special person who gets me, deep dicks and doesn't mind a good zombie/vampire debate-but I am not all hemmed up about it. OKAY, only when someone I KNOW is a fuck-up and lacks anything resembling decency and EVEN THEY can find someone. I get a lil heated...but then someone places some food in front of my face and I forgot why I was upset.
When cool people are in awesome relationships, I am all like:HELLS.YEAH!
...but mostly people are just with people to have someone, or for comfort, or because all their friends have someone. Lame reasoning and mediocre relationships that make me happy to be single and sorta ready to mingle.

So really, coupled up or feel I am in a corner rocking and counting how many fertile eggs I have left. I am not. I am most likely making fun of you OR wondering if wrapping bacon around ANYTHING makes it better...

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

The Place Where I Work: What A Difference...

...a lack of assholes makes!
Today, I worked at a non-financial/money driven therefore only privileged assholes work there who can use a few computer programs to make other people money which makes them money and makes them feel entitled and/or special.
No, today I worked with some NICE people. Wow. The place is a non-profit so that would explain it.
They are smart too because they want me back next week.
...and I have guards who love me already- sadly none are Clark Kent. Clark Kent who called me when he noticed I wasn't around anymore. Awww, true love.

In creepy news- so I pretty much passed out on the train because getting up early has that effect on me. I don't know if I was talking and/or smiling...maybe even singing in my sleep, but this chick was staring at me every time my Brooklyn eyes caused me to wake up...also my fear of riding the train back n' forth too many times- passed out- and waking up naked.
Made sure to scowl at her before I got off...

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Conversations with Ice: New Acquaintances pt deux

When we last left off, Ice T and Coco were having a holiday gathering at their cabin near Mount Airy Lodge. Since Ice is all about the holiday cheer n' shit he invited Kanye West with the hopes of having us become fast friends. Of course this didn't happen and I grow to hate Kanye more.
We arrive at the cabin, that has been decorated with various animal skins and Christmas lights. Wham's "Last Christmas" is playing. Coco has on a on a Mrs. Claus bikini and Ice is wearing santa pants with black Timbaland boots, and a 'wifebeater'. Coco is holding a tray with egg nog martini's. There are trays of food out: pigs in a blanket, shrimp cocktail, and mozzarella sticks.

Ice T: Hey! Look who made it (says to me) alive! (gives Kanye a pound and me a hug)

Kanye: Yeah, yeah. This place looks spectacular-

Coco: Egg nog martini? (Kanye and I take one) What's with the face, Sweet T?

Kanye: Oh she just mad I ain't trying to give her the Louis Vuitton dong-

Me: That is not why I'm mad, Kan-ye!!

Ice T: Woah woah. It's the time for good tidings and cheer, no hate T.

Coco: Come on. Grab an hor d'ouerve and let's watch the snow fall. (looks at me in my turtleneck and jeggings) Would you like to change into something more comfortable? I have a few candy colored chinchilla bikini's in the back...

Me: Thanks, but no thanks, Coco...Kanye may be interested though-

Kanye: Don't think that hide-can hide all I'm working with-

Ice T:
Only been here five minutes and your dick has been brought up twice. (shakes head) I need some more Henny...

Coco: Maybe we should sing Christmas songs?? (claps with glee)

Me: Kanye can't help but talk about what he likes....dick.

Kanye: Don't worry, a few more of these (holds up his martini) and you can have a taste of what YOU like....

Ice T: You two, Coco wants to sing Christmas songs and that shit is cheesy but it's better than listening you two go back n' forth like this is some sitcom and the audience is just waiting for y'all to kiss...

Me: That was quite nice and descriptive, Ice.

Ice T: Been taking this screenplay writing class down at the Y-

Coco: (clears her throat) Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle all the way...(we are all staring at her for different reasons, mostly because she is jumping up n' down in a Mrs. Claus thigh high black boots that have 6 inch heels)

Ice T: Sweety, let's go find that thing in the back...

Coco: What thing-oh right back. Don't kill each other. (the both run out holding hands)

Kanye: They are boning.

Me: No shit, Sherlock. (go to turn up the radio, Kanye is suddenly standing close behind me) Back up!

Kanye: Oh come on. Let's play nice. (holds out a lil silver dog) Let's play can be the bitch-I mean, the dog.

Me: (snatch the dog) I'm the car. I'm always the car, asshole!

To Be Continued....

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Superficial Debate

Recently, the body of a fashion designer/'it' girl was found floating in the bathtub of a posh downtown NYC hotel. Within a day or two, her party-boy boyfriend-with whom she had just broken up with- was arrested for her murder.
My mother turns to me and is like: this is a shame but she should've known that he wasn't worth his salt-I mean he lived off his rich parents. That doesn't show good moral fiber...
My response was: well in that scene, it's just how it is. Unfortunately, she found herself a nutjob.
My mom didn't understand what the scene had to do with no ambition having leeches, and I further explained that 'the scene' is filled with those kind of people. People who may know someone who does something, people who think they are important because they may know these people and people who do things like:DJ, studied fashion, wear designer labels, up n' coming rappers, have sung an original song in front of 2 people, etc. and because of this feel they are special. They are mostly superficial and are attracted to people who can get them into hotspots, wear hot stuff and are hot.
So, I added, being turned off by someone's 'moral fiber' is not going to happen. This is why I continuously say I am not cool and it is OKAY. The scene and I are like oil n' water- and that is OKAY too.

Overall this situation is just sad and probably would've happened 'scene' or not because dude is most likely an insane moocher.
...and my mom agreed that I am not cool and need to step my game up.

Saturday, December 11, 2010


You know when you have a lot to say but have a hard time saying it- this is what I'm going through right now. Usually I can just say it...or write it, but now I am stifled by both because- WELL EVERY TIME I am in between temp gigs I have these growing feelings of unimportance and self loathing. It's weird.
One would think I would be all happy to focus on writing and fuckery- but mostly I am sleeping and wondering what I did in a past life to have to endure some of the situations I am put in.

Since I am about change and not being a whiny bitch, I have decided to socialize myself and just be. So I did that. I socialized. I hung with people I actually enjoy and I feel good.
Then I think about the upcoming holidays and I feel slightly depressed again. Dunno what it is about this time of year that makes me bipolar. Happy yet oh so sad.
Bah happykwanzaachristmaschanakah humbug.

Then dudes. Do not get me started on dudes. Its not that I hate them, it's just that I hate that I care. When you think someone is feeling you and you wait. And wait. And wait for them to wise up and kick it to ya all Shakepearean Shaft-like aka smooth-poetic n' take charge. Instead they continue with the charade of pretending they don't want to invade your womanly regions with their swords of passion (whew).
Well I am OVER IT. Kiss my well styled and smelling ass.

In other news...I saw Burlesque (BURLESQUE!!!!!!!!!!! *does a dance move involving hands over titties* that is me basically Xtina scream singing the world 'burlesque' and dancing-I do this randomly and often now) with B. IT WAS AMAZING. Like the costume designer should win something. I wanted a lot of the clothes. Also the hot dude in the movie.
B and I decided that I was Cher- the old been there/done that dame who just wants to save her club. Who's wise and sassy. Who can sit alone and belt out an amazing tune.
While B is Stanley Tucci. Cher's confidante in the film. The one who knows. The only that can put an old dog like Cher in her place. The one who takes care of everyone. The sassy gay.
It was pretty enjoyable.

Monday, December 6, 2010

Conversations with Ice: New Acquaintances

My good ‘friend’ Ice T has invited me to his cabin near Mount Airy Lodge for a lil winter retreat. He has a car pick me up to meet he and Coco at their cabin. When I go to step into the Black Escalade (tan interior), I see Kanye West!

Me: Kanye?! (I hop into the Escalade and slam the door shut behind me)

Kanye: It's me, the finest. (he holds out a hand, there is a platinum cuff around his wrist with an emerald and ruby misteltoe embellishment, he notices me noticing his cuff) Yeah, I do this- (places the cuffed hand on his tummy) and say: kiss below the misteltoe, boo. (he smiles)

Me: (stare at him till the smile disappears) Excuse me a minute- (take out cell phone and dial Ice T) Hey...

Ice T: Hey, are you in the ride?

Me: Yep.

Ice T: Okay. Well see you soon. Coco is making egg nog martini's-

Me: Why is mutha fuckin' Kanye West here?

Kanye: You know I'm sitting right here, right?

Ice T: He's a new friend of mine and I figured you guys should be friends too.

Me: Why?!

Ice T: T, you know how it is with people-most of them aren't worth the tip of a Timb boot to the throat. Not even worth a Dixie cup of dicks- but there are some who are assholes, pure bred ones, who are worth the fight.

Me: The fight?

Ice T: The fight for balance. Be that asshole, but also be that decent person that's there waiting to shine-

Me: What. The. Fuck?

Ice T: Maybe it's the holidays or these Henny n' cokes I've been drinkin', but I think you and Kanye could have something beautiful-I'm not saying fuck that dude because y'all are too crazy to be going on backshot adventures, but I do think you can help him and he you.

Me: If he makes it to the lodge alive-then we'll see.

Kanye: (mumbling to himself) Oh now she's a gangsta. A gangsta in Emu's, not even Uggs-

Ice T: See you soon, Sweet T- don't hurt him, but if you do...break him off something proper. (he chuckles and hangs up)

Me: (hang up, and look at Kanye) So...

Kanye: So, Ice has nothing but good things to say about you...

Me: (silent a bit) Well I'm a nice person.

Kanye: We'll see.

Me: Imma be honest here Kanye, I mostly don't like you. I think you're insane but sometimes I like your brand of insanity. Sometimes. I also like that you dress like an androgynous White woman.

Kanye: I respect your honesty. I don't wanna fuck you or anything, but I can respect you.

Me: Oh Kanye, the fact that you wouldn't fuck me makes me soooo happy. Let's shake on it- (hold out hand, he see's my tiger ring)

(he takes my hand and kisses my ring, he smiles) Just because I wouldn't fuck you, doesn't mean you don't wanna fuck me. (I let go of his hand)

To Be continued....

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Journey Through My Mind the singer Joe's sexuality-my mind is complex...questionable even. (I mention Joe because in a classic song of his he offers to take journey through ones mind)
With that said, my dreams often leave me wondering: what the fuck?
Sometimes my dreams give me insight to certain things or predict shit- which is pretty awesome and leaves me unfazed when 'shit goes down'.
My dream last night involved a variety things going on in my 'real life'. Like I've just finished reading all of the Hunger Games trilogy, and have been watching old eps of the Gilmore Girls- this will alllll make sense when I get into my dream. You will also get another glimpse into the insanity- ahem- the complexity of my mind.

My dream takes place in a large apartment complex, the place is well lit and somewhat furnished. I am carrying a gun and doing a roll-tuck-squat move in a kitchen- am aware of fear and a chase and then I recognize that I am hunting someone- I am not being hunted. Turns out I had to hunt people I knew! WTF? Once I see that my target is my friend Rosalind who lives in Spain- I put down the gun and refuse to participate with the hunting thing-which is a relief to Rosalind who has come by to help me move- woah, the dream has shifted.
I am packing to move in with my boo who happens to be the dude who played Jess on Gilmore Girls (I dug both he and Dean on the show...Luke sometimes)- he was also on Heroes. Anyways, I called him Milo-his real name by the way- and we loaded large army green canvas bags with my clothes.
It was all very romantical- I remember feeling nervous and really being into Milo.

...and that is all I can remember. The hunting part of the dream DEFINITELY had to do with the Hunger Games books, and me moving in with Milo (aka Jess aka dude from Heroes) was about me watching the Gilmore Girls- I just don't get how they both came together (especially because now I am reading The Help which is NOTHING like the Hunger Games books). Also, I did that -roll-tuck-squat thing- it was graceful and very action star-like. I'm a bit confused by that- like I was when I had a dream a few days ago involving me solving complex algebra equations. In real life, shit like that could/would not happen! Okay, the roll-tuck thing could DEFINITELY happen before the algebra thing.
Hmmm...could this be insight to me thinking I am better than I am- there's no shame in my game, I understand my delusions of grandeur...

It was good seeing my friend Ros in my dream, she looked awesome and she seemed into me dating Milo. Ha!