Monday, December 31, 2012

Heyyyy 2012, I'm Still Here....

...unless prior to January 1, 2013 I am killed which could happen because...hey...2012.

It has a been a year of true ups and downs though I am not here to reiterate all the happenings.  I am here with some lessons I learned that will hopefully help through 2013 and so on...unless I am mysteriously dead before 2013, then forget about EVERYTHING because 2012 truly SUCKED and just hope you make it through 2013, yo.

Life is SHORT: It seems cliche', but this is truth. Time, life, trains- wait for NO ONE, so get yours.  I am not saying fuck someone over or lack some type of responsibility, I am saying if you're looking around the room and the people around you or the situation you're in is lacking, then DO something about it.
Shit, I was at a job I thought I'd be at for a minute.  Bitch (me) thought she was happy. Thought my shit was fulfilled, then I truly took stock of my situation and realized that I am only staying at this job because I like 2 people but I dislike EVERYONE else because they are either narcissistic assholes or feeble minded life leeches.  It was time TO GO...so I left.
Some things are easier said then done, but your friends are sick of hearing you complain about shit- they're not saying it because they're friends, but still.  Make that change.

As for people- well, this depends on a lot of variables.  I have become more zen in my dealings, and by zen I mean having lowered expectations because for the most part people are shit.  Luckily, like with the bad moments...and bad people, there have been some amazing moments and amazing people.  In addition, it is the realization that in the end...I am my own BFF.  HOLLA!

Challenges bring forth character, so embrace the struggle and know that you shall overcome...if you choose to get off your ass and do something about it.  Fuck what people think or say, find your joy and live your fuckin' life because you could be pushed in front of a train or something.

Live!  HAPPY NEW YEAR!
May the odds be ever in your favor.

Saturday, December 29, 2012

The Time I Went To See Django Unchained



Let me start by saying that you will be offended.  I mean, this is me folks.  You should know this by now.

So, I went to see Django Unchained with my friend Ru and because we deal with various types of bigotry on a daily basis- I am an ethnically ambiguous Black woman and he is a 'blasian' looking Dominican gay male- we both were kinda/sorta excited about seeing some racist assholes who happened to be White get shot by a freed slave.
Listen, the day before I walked into a Dunkin Donuts in my neighborhood. It might have been Christmas day which explains the lack of violence on my part- anyways, I walk into the DnD and get on line.  This woman walks by me.  She is older and White, she looks at me and then says to her friend: you know what movie I was watching, Roots!
I glare at her and she smiles.  Her friends says: that is my FAVORITE movie!
Really bitch?!  Is it?  Your favorite movie?!
I began trembling with the want to choke some old tricks...but it was Christmas...and...my mom expected me home and not in jail.
Perhaps I was calm because I knew I was going to see Django kill some white folks...who had it coming.

I went into the movie expecting the usual Tarrantino thing, and I enjoy the 'Tarrantino thing'- and strangely I feel that even with the touchy topic of slavery, Tarrantino can do his 'thing' without making me want to kick him in the throat.
He came through with an amazing Western, with amazing acting and in between the usual campy comedy, dealt with some harsh realities.  A lot of #real talk.  A lot of jokes where you couldn't all laugh together (meaning White peeps better lay low) and be jolly because it was some touchy shit- but that's Tarrantino.  That's how he rolls and why I like him.
There was great action with a great story.  My love for Christoper Waltz (his character Dr. King Schultz, nice Tarrantino) just grows n' grows.  He is such an intricate actor and so engaging.
Also, Leonardo DiCaprio- I never gave two halves of a fuck about him, I mean, he's a good actor, but I just never a gave fifth of a fuck.  In this movie though, I felt him!  Not in a sexual way, in a way where I saw something that made me wanna maybe give a fuck.  That's big!

Then there is a scene where Django's (Jamie Foxx) jangly meats are shown, its not a pleasurable scene, but there were balls n' shaft.  Ru turns to me and says: Jamie Foxx has a big penis.
I agreed and seemed to forget about what was going on with the film- listen people, y'all seem to forget that I live a somewhat 'Downtown Abbey' life so seeing some fine penistry leaves me a lil feeble minded.
All in all, Django Unchained is a highly entertaining, provocative movie.  See it and talk amongst your friends- can we also say that I am into the the costumes in this movie.  Rugged, trim-cut (not skinny), sorta nut huggin' slacks...with a cowboy hat. Mmmmmm.

Friday, December 21, 2012

As The (Online) Dating World Turns: The Signs

I really haven't been taking this whole 'the world is going to end' thing seriously because I am more practical than crazy.  It may seem unbelievable seeing as you my blog, but yes, I am more logical and practical than the cray cray chick who likes to kick role I usually 'play'.
That may go on thee ole tombstone IF the world does end...though who's gonna be checkin' for tombstones?
Now, I believe the world will end sometime soon because Chat Swag and I actually went on a date and I didn't hate him, but will probably never see him again.
Can you even believe I took time out of my busy schedule of doing the Lumosity brain games, working, hating AND plotting various resort trips- to actually meet up with a man I was attracted to and have a DATE??!!  Chat Swag was equally attracted to me- in fact I'd say more so because...well...I am awesome AND attractive.  Luckily, I was also chill and funny, allowing my personality to flourish because I spent most of the day drinking and eating fried chicken.  That's how I calm down (#about this life).
Chat Swag planned the meet up and was on time- I was a few minutes late due to slight sluggishness and 'itis tendencies.
Guys, he was cuter than his pics and we talked for HOURS.  We're both lovable nerds who are creative and have slight recluse tendencies. Nice. 
Only problem is, dude of  a certain age but is stuck in his 20's with life shit.  Be a kid at heart, but boo we are GROWN.  Chat Swag was talking about using crates as furniture and having a mattress on the floor- no box spring.  I mention IKEA, he says that place gives him a headache and, besides, some woman will come along and kick him into gear.
Then he saw the look on my face and tried to clean that up.  He wasn't quick enough though, so I went on about him waiting for 'mommy' to come and fix his life.
Then I felt my vagina go dry and knew it was ALL too good to be true.  No HOT dude I am attracted who can discuss random Buffy the Vampire Slayer episodes off the top of his head....this dude couldn't possibly be ALL good (for me).  Had to be something.
Listen, for some women (in their 20's) a mattress on the floor is cute, but to me, it isn't.  I can't take you seriously boo and I will raise my SON (if I have one) not some dude who has a mom.
Ain't nobody got time for that.

This last week of 2012 I am going to stick to looking at dudes crotches on the train and staring at pics of various soccer players.  No more dates till 2013!- if we make it there.

Thursday, December 13, 2012

Conversations With Ice: Click! Click!



My dear friend (in my head) Ice T has been going through it with his wife Coco.  Some questionable photo's came out with Coco and some rapper dude.  Rapper dude was all hugged up on Coco, and she didn't seem to mind.  Ice T got mad (real mad, Joe Jackson) and went to Twitter to 'air it out'.  Then Coco took to Twitter to apologize, and now they are doing better.
Ice still needs to work some stuff out so he invites me to his 'man pad', the apartment he keeps in the city.  We are chatting while playing MarioKart.

Me: So....

Ice T: That was called a shell and you being off the road-

Me: You know what wasn't off the road, that dudes face all up in Coco's neck-

Ice T: That makes no kinda sense.  Listen, shit happens in relationships.

Me: And sometimes people play too much...

Ice T: People get too comfortable, we've discussed this before.

Me: Yeah-but you guys are okay, right?

Ice T: We'll be aight.

Me: No tweeting if this happens again, though...

Ice T: Yeah that was very bitch of me-but I was so overcome with emotion. 'Like who IS this dude and WHY is he touching my wife'?

Me: Ooooo see that was a fireball-

Ice T: Nice one.

Me: I get that though.  Pictures were out, wounds were caused and you just wanted to lash out.  Next time just remember that you give the public a lot, some things you have  to take care of on the inside before you share with everyone. 

Ice T: Does calling ones goons and have them meet a certain rapper outside his home for a brief 'chit chat' count as lashing out?

Me: No, that is just shit that has to happen.  You don't go around feeling up on peoples wives.

Ice T: Look at you making sense.

Me: Listen, I am not the same timid bitch you met before, this year has growed me some-

Ice T: What kind of English-

Me: I've grown!

Ice T: Maybe there's hope for us all then...

THE END


Wednesday, December 12, 2012

As The (Online) Dating World Turns: Chat Swag PT Dos

Last Thursday after I picked up my jaw from watching Scandal, I finally looked at my phone- which I hadn't done for hours because I am not like EVERYONE who has their phone surgically attached to their hands and genitalia.
There were a few messages and one was from the dude I'll call Chat Swag- you remember him from before. We talk, we text...and that's about it.  Well, until I just stop responding because I am easily bored and find it hard to care for anyone I haven't spent any time with...and even then I am all like...whatevs. (some call it casual elegance)
So, Chat Swag sends a nice text wanting to catch up and mentions that we should hang out that weekend.  Now I know that by reading this blog you know I don't have too too much going on for me that doesn't involve mental fuckery and food.  That weekend though, he happened to catch a moment when I had a LIFE.  Shocking.  I offered to squeeze him in- because its not about shutting down, but letting in (theme for 2013...until I am back to hating everyone again)- but it didn't work out.

...so where we left it, I was supposed to text him but haven't gotten around to it.  I've been too busy fantasizing about this dude I work with who has tatt sleeve...like all the way to his fingers.  He builds things.  We talk basketball.  I wanna do him.

I know, I know all my mental fuckery is not helping my whole dating/being single/'Downtown Abbey' situation.  'Downtown Abbey' is the situation going on with my vagina- nothing but high teas, croquet and proper shit.
Anywho, we'll see if/when I'll text dude.

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Honorable Mentions AKA Things I Forgot to Blog About


  • Breaking Dawn- THE FINALE: Yeah, I didn't do a rundown of this movie because I was ashamed.  Ashamed I spent countless dollars on this franchise of fuckery!!! Listen, I don't believe everything has to be all deep and Indie, but this movie was just the worst.  From the bad CGI to the acting to the plot to the acting...I mean, I just couldn't.  The only time I did perk up was when I thought everyone was going to die- but then they didn't.  Then my thoughts went back to disappointment at the cake I snuck in from Nanoosh (chain Mediterranean that is DELISH).  I expected so much from the cake-more so than the movie- and it left me feeling broken.  Okay, I think the cake sucking ALONG with the movie totally broke my spirit.
  • TV Addictions: I am not one of these intellectuals who's all like: watch TV, why I never! (then pull out War & Peace to snuggle with).  I don't watch a lot because a lot is CRAP, but when I do I enjoy a select few programs that make me happy to have eyes and brain cells to spare!  There's Nikita (yep, I still watch this), Scandal (OMG, my favorite show besides Chopped), Chopped (hours, I have lost HOURS of my life on this show that I don't need/want back!!!), Basketball Wives LA (I can't with this show most of the time, but I always catch myself watching it and thanking myself for not being a vapid bitch), The Mindy Project (I thoroughly enjoy Dr. Castellano and this show makes me laugh and sometimes I wanna punch it), Suburgatory (okay, dude from Clueless is on this show...with his chocolaty voice...and I find myself LOLing [yep I did that] when watching this), Key & Peele (kinda gave up on sketch comedy once Dave Chappelle went cray cray...but these dudes make me chuckle), Joan Rivers Fashion Police (I don't think people know how much I LOVE Joan Rivers, like ADORE. the shade she throws is just so thorough), Parks & Rec, What Not To Wear, Animal Planet shows on cats, Walking Dead (I don't where to begin with this...)
  • When I evacuated my area during Sandy, I stayed at a family friends home- more like mini mansion- in White Plains.  It was lovely till a fallen tree knocked out the power.  So we go to another persons house to charge up.  This person was a woman who had a son who lives with her.  When I went to shake the sons hand his eyes became glittery and his heart seemed to come alive- well that's what my friend told me because she says he hardly speaks but when I was around he was telling stories and had a personality.  I explained that I bring out the best in people.  She scoffed and said he wanted to do me.  I soon noticed various weaponry hanging around.  Dude explained that he makes and sells weapons- think more renaissance style...and nunchucks (sp).  I noticed that he also wore a wide brimmed hat and a trench coat as outerwear- I threw no shade because I am evolving, but also because I deemed him harmless...yet quirky.  See, I am growing y'all.
  • I have developed a gif obsession.

That's all I can think of for now. Will hopefully be more on top of my amazing life from now on.

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

The Place Where I Work: Raspberry Beret

Reader(s), let me apologize beforehand for taking so very long to tell you about a special fellow I call Raspberry Beret.
Where to begin with this one?
A few words come to mind when I think of him: fear, beret, cray cray, amazing....
He is ALL of those things and more.

When I first stumbled upon RB, he was mumbling angrily to himself and not trying to say hello to me.  I noted that he was cray cray, but I also noted that he was wearing a beret- and have sinced noted that he has about 5-7 of them in various colors.  RB also wears womens 70's style shades-kinda like the ones I get from H&M...

Exhibit A:




Of course all of this endeared him to me.  I know he is cray cray and would be the FIRST to bring a semi-automatic weapon to the office to kill people, but he is alright with me!!

RB talks angrily to himself and other people most of the time, but he works in the 'receiving department' where grumpily handing people packages is what's good in the hood. 
RB never said a word to me that wasn't package related until around Thanksgiving...

Exhibit B:

Me: (going out on a limb and speaking to RB) Have a great holiday!

Raspberry Beret: Thanks and you do the same [insert my government name here]!

I was left SHOCKED and even more enamored with this crazy man.  How does he know my name??  I mean, I've heard he's brilliant...but seriously, he has never acknowledged my presence.

Mostly people are scared of RB, but we are altogether entertained.  You never know what mood he's in-hour to hour....minute to minute...

Like yesterday he was in a GRAND mood.  He came in talking to himself then made his way to me and Old Homie and was all like: you know Hugh Hefner is the man! he just married a 26 year old.  that's what I'm trying to do!
He then wiggles his eyebrows at me-which would normally make me gag, but I just chuckled at ole RB.  He's my favorite.


Monday, December 3, 2012

As The (Online) Dating World Turns: Chat Swag

I am willing to admit when it's me.  Especially when it's so blatantly obvious.  It's me.  I am too AWESOME.

Finally getting passed the emailing phase- well not getting turned off by bad vocabulary or feeling like I would wake up dead in a refrigerator if I went out with this dude....
Where was I?
Ah, yes. We chatted on the phone like we were 15 n' shit.  It was cute...and I didn't hate him.  He even said: I can't believe I don't know you yet.

Then it was the holiday...and we texted a few times....then I was busy or sleeping...something....and that was that.
I must've stopped texting the dude...so now we no longer communicate.  Perhaps my 'chat swag' is lame or I was supposed to text a pic of my vagina or something.  Have no idea what is appropriate in these times.
It also doesn't help that I don't like people...until they give me a reason to like them or to continue on my path of dislike.

So that's that.  I've decided my approach to dating will be as such: a) smile...maybe  b) respond...if I feel like it  c) stop thinking that Idris Elba is going to read my ramblings and feel himself go erect...with a need for me so strong it defies all the ho's who straddle him on the daily.


Oh so I have some definite names for the kittens I am going to get who will grow with me into my menopausal years: Cleopatra Jones, Bojangles, Angelina Jolie, Prince, Edward Cullen and Gator.  That's all I've got so far!

The Place Where I Work: Some Highlights!

I slack, I know!
In any case, here's what's been going on at the work place:

- People love me!  It's hard to believe, I know, but they do.  Now I am being brought on for reals- it's up in the air, but that's where we're headed....sadly this means my work meanderings will be lacking.  Though with the amount of people I work with and come across...maybe not.

- *sigh* Telemundo is MARRIED.  This means my sexual want of him is done and I am able to actual speak to him.  We joke around, we're pals.  I honestly can't even remember wanting to become one with his penis.
I bet you're wondering if there is someone else 'filling' Telemundo's position...the answer is: NO!  Hot dudes are like puppies wearing silk kimonos, rare. 



- The old man with the one arm that I work with is my HOMIE for real.  We are like the sarcastic tag team.  Peeps know that if they come near our area, you better come correct...or you'll walk away crying and your tail between your legs.
I like old people and kids because they have no agendas...as long as they aren't bratty/crabby assholes.

I'll call him Old Homie.  Here is a typical Old Homie and I scenario.

Dumb Person: Blah blah blah dumb question blah blah

Old Homie: (silence, pretends he is reading something)

Me: (silence, typing like I am really busy but mostly Google chatting)

Dumb Person: (walks back to their desk when they realized they answered their own question)

Old Homie: Knew he would get it eventually.

Me: Still took too long. (we both chuckle)

- There is a chick I call Ratchet.  Ratchet picks and chooses when she'll speak to me- which sometimes irritates me because it's RUDE.  When I say 'hello', bitch say 'hello' back!  Even a kitty mews.  Bleah.
Anyways, I am over it because Ratchet is...ratchet.  If you don't know what ratchet is-GET OFF the internet.

- My walk to work is not only invigorating, it allows me to see some of the most handsome men EVER (I think it's the neighborhood I'm in).  Handsome men.  Not HOT.  Handsome,because they are dressed so nicely..and look like a dude who might cut some wood.  The only thing is, they are truly better than I am.  They dress better- I mean in the morning they look like they slept 8 hours and give a damn.  These fine men smile and nod at me and I just stare at them still half a sleep listening to 'Liberian Girl' (MJ) on my iPod having no clue what the eff is going on...
Hence why I am so hot and so single.

Okay, that is all for now, will try to be more frequent with my work on goings- but with dat bitch Sandy and trying to get through these last months of 2012...ALIVE, it's been HARD.