Wednesday, June 30, 2010

The Story of We: Episode 7


I cannot seem to find Episode 6!!! From what I gather it was ACTION PACKED. Taylor met Andre 3000 while on retreat in LA and then thought she was preggers. Tyra cheats on Kurt with his Uncle Mickey (Rourke). Josephina opens up a Cupcake Bikini Bar called Ho Ho's....that Fifty Cent burns down because they BROKE.UP! WOAH!



The Story of We
Episode 7: They Said We Wouldn't Last.
Screenplay by Honey T
8/6/08


Setting: In NYC of course, the story takes place in a Starbucks, Hot Ho's Bikini Bar, Target, an open loft space, Taylor's apartment and Robert Downey Jr.'s hotel room. The story and characters tend to move all around the city...its boroughs and islands. The year is 2008 and the world is as it is. Reality is real.

Cast:
Taylor Greene
Britain Sawyer
Josephina Fergus
Lorna Long
Acorn Dillon
Featuring:
Kurt Sandleback
Efranzia Mogedeshu
Spearchuck Openhide
J.E'Ofinnigan Logan
Tyra Banks as herself
Fifty Cent as himself
Robert Downey Jr. as himself
Phillip Seymour Hoffman as himself
Angelina Jolie as herself
Mickey Rourke as himself
Andre 3000 as himself/spiritual guide
Mark Ronson as himself
Benecio Del Toro as Uncle Manny
Johnny Depp as Uncle Johnny
Steve Carell as Mr. Starbucks



Scene 1: Taylor, Britain, Josephina, Lorna, Mr. Starbucks, Robert Downey Jr., Phillip Seymour Hoffman, Andre 3000, and Tyra Banks are sitting inside the Starbucks. They are all wearing black, except for Andre 3000 who is wearing all silver and a white wig. Taylor is scowling at him. They are all sipping various Starbucks drinks and glancing at poster sized pictures of Kurt, Efranzia and Spearchuck. The pics are on easels in a semi-circle. Acorn rolls in and the mood remains somber. "Sour Times" by Portishead is playing.

Acorn:
Death came in a three, now we don't have to worry about you and me, but how did it come to be?

Taylor:
Damn cranes. (rolls her eyes at Andre 3000 who is sniffing his green tea frappacino instead of drinking it)

Josephina:
Just think, it could've been anyone of us picking up that extra box of soy from the Starbucks up the street-

Britain:
But Kurt could operate the van, Efranzia was along for the ride and Spearchuck could carry stuff.

Taylor:
(through gritted teeth because Andre 3000 is now batting a straw around, Britain nudges Josephina to watch him, she takes out her iPhone to capture the moment)
Damn crane just collapsed on them.

Phillip Seymour Hoffman:
Been happening a fuckin' lot around this damn city- the war zone that it is. (watches Andre 3000 awhile) Okay, what the fuck is he doing?

Taylor:
Please don't address him, he-

Andre 3000:
(speaks in a robotic voice)
Hello there, I am Negroid. I am a friendly robot-

Taylor:
(glares as Britain, Josephina, RDJ, PSH all laugh)
He does this shit sometimes- (starts to speak louder) which makes me happy I am no longer carrying your child asshole-oid!

Britain:
Woah, T...what?

Taylor:
Yeah, seems I was never with child, just bloated from all the wheatgrass n' shit. Ever since I told Senor Roboto here...well he turned into a robot.

Josephina:
Negroid is sad you aren't pregnant.

Andre 3000:
Negroid is trying to be all that she wants.

Taylor:
His name is mutha fuckin' Andre 3000!!!

Lorna:
You know, role playing is kinda sexy. Maybe you guys can get to work on a real kid- so Auntie Lorna doesn't have to return five thousand dollars worth of baby clothes!

Mr. Starbucks:
I told you to stop at two thousand, but-

Tyra Banks:
Yall! People are dead, can't you have a little respect?

Andre 3000:
(looks at her quizzically)
What is death?

Robert Downey Jr.:
Tyra's right-

Britain:
Now you're everybody's hero? (sips from her Starbucks tumbler)

Robert Downey Jr.:

Funny, sweetcheeks. I am just saying, three people are dead. Three people you knew and worked with...may have even been friendly with ...(smirks at Taylor)

Taylor:
(raises a fist to Britain)
I can't believe you told him about my past with Kurt!

Tyra Banks:
This is not about you Taylor. This is about us sharing the good times and remembering the ones we lost-

Taylor:
Didn't you straight play Kurt's ass for his UNCLE?! (everyone nods and looks at Tyra)

Tyra Banks:
Well yes, but-

Taylor:
Sit your has-been ass down.

Phillip Seymour Hoffman:

(hi-fives Taylor)
Nice one.

Robert Downey Jr.:
I think what Taylor is trying to say is...I mean really, who gives a fuck? Kurt was a douchebag. Efranzia was cool, but we knew her for two minutes and well...then there's Spearchuck.

Britain:
No one stocked napkins like him though. (looks wistful and sips from a Starbucks tumbler) It is strange though....that THEY were killed, its as if some egomaniacal writer of this screenplay we call LIFE decided she-or he was done with those characters...so she just killed them off.

Josephina:
(there is silence, and Josephina stares at Britain a long while)
Yeah, plus no one will love Taylor's grumpy ass as much as he...

Taylor:
Its not so much grumpy as it is round and slappable...

Acorn:
The ass is in classy, but now they're all ashy. May have been lame, but dead all the same...

Lorna:
You know, RDJ, I couldn't have said it better myself. He's right. I've got a hair appointment to make, see you people later. (starts to leave)

Taylor:
Wait- Mr. Starbucks, who's our new manager?

Mr. Starbucks:
Oh, you'll meet him tomorrow...he sorta just stepped right up after we heard about Kurt.

Britain:
Gonna keep us all in suspense, huh?

Mr. Starbucks:
Yep. Bye all! (he and Lorna leave)

Andre 3000:
Death? Manager? What are these things?

Taylor:
(looks at Andre a bit)
You know, Lorna is wrong! That shit isn't sexy-now you (points at RDJ) in that silver iron,metal suit...that made me moist. (Britain clears her throat and balls up a fist) Moist, in a respectful way.

Robert Downey Jr.:

Thanks. Looks like another one bites the dust, eh Taylor?

Taylor:
Bit, chewed and swallowed.


About a half hour later Josephina is sitting at the L.E.S Whole Foods waiting for her Uncle Manny. Suddenly the tallest scarily sexy Puerto Rican walks towards her table. He is wearing a leather vest and no shirt...and ripped jeans. Josephina runs and jumps into his arms like a little girl. "Paradise City" by Guns N' Roses is playing low in the background.

Josephina:
Uncle Manny! Its so good to see you!

Uncle Manny:
(they both sit)
You too, my lil roja.

Josephina:
So, is this a friendly visit or is it-

Uncle Manny:
Business. You know Fifty had help burning down that bikini bar-

Josephina:
He did! Who? (is about to crush her iced coffee cup, but realizes she is in public)

Uncle Manny:
It was them. The VMD...

Josephina:
Damn them!!! The damned Vegan Ministry of Doom! How did Fifty know they are my arch-enemies??

Uncle Manny:
(chuckles) Come on. He's not that clever. They approached him. He had his reasons and you know they hate anything associated with the Legion of Egg And Meat....

Josephina:

You don't have to alert other LEAM members, I can handle this one...with a little help from you Uncle Manny.

Uncle Manny:

Of course. I have already begun rebuilding the new bikini bar! (they hi-5 as Josephina's cell phone rings)

Josephina:

Hello...

Taylor:
Hey, J. So RDJ wants us to cater the engagement party.

Josephina:
So, cupcakes and treats?

Taylor:
That AND food, food. Its in TWO friggin' weeks and he tells us now. We've gotta plan n'-

Josephina:

We've got this. RDJ and everyone else doesn't know who they're fuckin' with because we will prevail!

Taylor:
....okay...




Scene 2: We see the outside of the Target in the Atlantic Center. Lorna, Britain and Phillip Seymour are walking around. PSH is sipping a slushie and pushing the cart. "Smile" by Lily Allen is playing in the background.

Lorna:
(sneezes)
Uh, why are we here?

Phillip Seymour Hoffman:
Do you have to ask why we are here? At Tar-jay, the best place known to man? Oh, I see a nice polo-size: husky. (strolls over to a few colorful folded polo shirts)

Britain:
You've been sneezing ever since I said I was registering at Target- L, I registered at Tiffany and Cartier too. (sips from her Starbucks tumbler)

Lorna:
Oh, good! I am just allergic to reasonably priced bargains. Is that Mossimo??

Britain:
For the masses!

Lorna:
This is so wrong. So wrong.

Britain:
Well Robert loves the idea. He's had his eye on this margarita mix set...I think Cynthia Rowley makes it-

Lorna:
Sweet Jesus! Rowley! They have Rowley here for the masses?!

Phillip Seymour Hoffman:
(saunters back over)
And slushies!

Brooklyn-nite:
Oh, are you Phiilip Seymour Hoffman?

Phillip Seymour Hoffman:

Nope, Brad Pitt. Buying some shirts for Maddox, gotta go. Ladies, let's go to electronics! (zips away with the cart)

Britain:
All in all, thanks Lorna for helping me plan my wedding. I don't know what I'd do (puts arm around her and is almost weeping) without you-

Lorna:
Oh no need to thank me, its what I'm good for...amongst other things. What's in that tumbler? Do I smell vodka?

Britain:
No its a latte. Robert is pleased that with you handling everything the booze will be good....though he's not drinking.

Lorna:
I know, first time I've ever had to ask if a bartender knew how to make shirley temples and virgin colada's....anything for RDJ...(has a wistful look, Britain looks at her a bit)

Britain:
You know, I've noticed how you and Taylor get around Robert ever since Iron Man came out and I am okay with murdering you two and making more friends....

Lorna:
Oh, we just want to have sex with him. Nothing serious. Oh...is that a 46inch flat screen....(goes towards the large TV screen, Britain chugs whatever is in her tumbler, balls up her fists and follows)


While Lorna, Britain, and Phillip Seymour Hoffman are on a Target excursion, Taylor and Josephina are back at the Starbucks. A young man with spikey frosted tipped hair, a khaki Abercrombie & Fitch visor, a t-shirt that reads: A&F Beef Squad, khaki cargo shorts and flip flops. Josephina stops restocking the coffee and Taylor stops restocking the treats to stare and then laugh at this guy. Kate Perry's "Hot & Cold" is playing low in the background.

Taylor:
What the hell are you?

Josephina:
I think he's here to take us on our Hamptons getaway!

J. E'Ofinnigan:
I'm J. E'Ofinnigan- you guys can call me J.E. and I am your new coworker-

Taylor:
You have got to be fuckin' kidding me! Listen, there is an Abercrombie & Fitch uptown...

J. E'Ofinnigan:
I like treats. Especially caramel covered...(he and Taylor throw eye daggers at each other)

Josephina:
Woah...well we don't even know who our manager is...the old one died last week. (Robert Downey Jr. strolls in)

Taylor:
(hands J. E'Ofinnigan a thick spiral notebook) Here, read this till we figure this all out. (grabs RDJ for a hug) Hey you!

Jospehina:
What brings you to these parts? You know Brit isn't here...

J. E'Ofinnigan:

Shit, Robert Downey Jr. is standing here...

Robert Downey Jr.:
(waves his hand in J. E'Offinigans direction) What is this?

Taylor:
Supposedly our new coworker.

Robert Downey Jr.:
Brit didn't mention you guys had a new manager-

Josephina:
Yeah, we don't know who that is yet...

Robert Donwey Jr.:
Always excitement here at Starbucks! Well ladies, I am here to give you guys cash for the party. I know its last minute and I thank ya for doing it...

Taylor:
Anything for you, Iron Man (stands close to him, J. E'Ofinnigan snickers and a door slams. They all turn and see Britain standing with her tumbler in hand)

Robert Downey Jr.:
(steps away from Taylor) Bab-baby. Hey! Thought you were out shopping at Target-

Britain:
I was. While I was doing that you decided you needed to come by here and fuck my friends! (sips from the tumbler)

Taylor:
Woah, woah B! First of all..nothing goes down in front customers-

Josephina:
He was just dropping off money for the engagement party...we're catering it for you guys. Oh, and this is J.E. our new coworker! (J. E' Ofinnigan waves)

Britain:
Fuck that guy! He looks like all the guys that made fun of me in high school! Pseudo gay steroid driven tool bags!-

Taylor:
Couldn't have said it better.

J. E'Ofinnigan:
You guys sure know how to make a guy feel welcome.

Britain:
And fuck you Taylor-

Mickey Rourke:
(comes from the back) What the shit is going on out here?!

Josephina:
What are you doing here Uncle Mickey...the funeral was earlier this week.

Mickey Rourke:
I know. I was at training...it was like 'nam. I am your fucking manager! A manager who was trying to get some zzz's in the back until this hellcat (points at Britain) started screeching about fucking! Who's fucking? I want some-

J. E' Ofinnigan:
This is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I knew Starbucks would-

Taylor:
Uncle Mickey...you're the manager! How....can you read?

Mickey Rourke:
Kurt, my retarded nephew was your manager. Who gives a fuck about reading, sweet tits?!

Robert Downey Jr.:
I better get the hellcat out of here-

Britain:
Don't be so smug Robert! I hate you- (punches his shoulder as he takes her out of the Starbucks)

Josephina:
(looks at J. E'Ofinnigan) She is really the nicest out of all us-

Taylor:
No you are J, then B....then...Uncle Mickey I guess...then L....then Mr. Starbucks...and well I have no problem saying I am low down dirty beatch.

J. E' Ofinnigan:

Well, as long as you keep it dirty...(more dagger stares between he and Taylor)

Josephina:
(looks at watch) Well, I haveta run....

Uncle Mickey:

You guys keep it quiet out here. I need at least 10 hours of sleep. (goes back to the back)

Once outside, Josephina checks to see who is causing her cellphone to ring. The screen reads: Uncle Manny. She picks up.

Josephina:
Hey, where are we training:

Uncle Manny:
Equinox of course-

Josephina:
WHAT?! I need jagged glass and cold air, not smoothies and yoga classes!

Uncle Manny:
They play the best pop music mix I have ever heard in public. Also, we can train in peace, the VMD would expect us to be in a Lucille Roberts...not someplace right under their noses.

Josephina:
I guess you have a point there...

Uncle Manny:
Get your ass over here! Calvinography starts in 15.


Scene 3: We are in Robert Downey Jr.'s chic hotel room. He and Britain are trying to enjoy a quiet afternoon without Britain becoming violent and incoherent. They are watching "Dark Angel" .

Britain:
I don't understand why this show didn't become like...'Lost'...you know big!

Robert Downey Jr.:
It's not because of bad writing or acting- at least it was a spring board for Jessica Alba-

Britain:
True. God knows she never would've made it without this show....(sips from her Starbucks tumbler, RDJ watches her)

Robert Downey Jr.:
Let's say I were in a wheel chair...like Michael Weatherly's character...would you be all gooey eyed for me like Alba is for him?

Britain:
Now are you a parapalegic addict?

Robert Downey Jr.:

Harsh.

Britain:
I'm just saying a girl handle so much. Limp dick and a coke addiction- (RDJ looks at her open-mouthed, his cellphone rings)

Robert Downey Jr:

(clears throat)
Hello...

Taylor:
Hey Iron Man...have some news..

Robert Downey Jr.
:
Oh hey Taylor...(slides away from Britain as she starts growling at the mention of Taylor's name)
What's up?

Taylor:
Catering going good also got a DJ. I mean your iPod on shuffle might be okay, but Mark Ronson would tons better-

Robert Downey Jr.:

Holy shit! He did the TomKat wedding...and now he's doing our engagement party-

Taylor:

Well not OURS, but is there something you're trying to-

Robert Downey Jr.:

Bye Taylor! (he clicks his cell phone off) B, Taylor got Mark Ronson to spin at our party!

Britain:
Whoopie! He will be the soundtrack to you fucking one of my best friends!

Robert Downey Jr.:
You're talking crazy, Brit! What's gotten into you lately-

Britain:
Not you! You're too busy boning my friends!

Robert Downey Jr.:
Maybe if you weren't acting looney!
(Britain punches RDJ in the stomach, RDJ whimpers)


While there are dark clouds hanging over the Britain's domestic life, Josephina stops by Taylor's apartment to finalize the engagement party menu.

Josephina:
Alright, so salmon burrito's with caper lime rice-

Taylor:
You notice how weird Britain's acting?

Josephina:
You are all over Robert.

Taylor:
Oh come on! She knows I would never, am just having a lil fun-

Josephina:
Its probably nerves. They're getting married and she has been waiting for like 2 years for this. Wait- are you wearing skinny jeans...and a..a...vest?

Taylor:
(looks down at her outfit)
Yeah.

Josephina:
Are you going incognito again? Andre 3000- I mean Negroid-

Taylor:
Nope. Just trying something new. I told RDJ that I got Mark Ronson to spin at the engagement party.

Josephina:
Awesome. (notices a red dot on Taylor's shoulder, she jumps up and pushes Taylor. She then begins shooting out of Taylor's open window. A few seconds later a slightly wounded Angelina Jolie comes through the window. She and Josephina begin to karate fight, as Taylor runs into the kitchen and returns with a tupperware of cupcakes. Taylor begins throwing them at Angelina's face. At some point Angelina' swallows a little cupcake, hisses and then goes back out of window)

Taylor:
What...the...fuck....

Josephina:
Thanks T. How did you know to get cupcakes?

Taylor:
I ...don't...know...

Uncle Johnny:
Its called instinct. (a tall sexyily ethnic looking man with a ponytail appears in Taylors doorway. Taylor drops the tupperware and jumps into his arms)

Taylor:
Uncle Johnny!

Uncle Johnny:
Taylor. My favorite niece (checks her out)...you're okay? You weren't hit?

Taylor:
Nope...

Josephina:
(stands)
I wouldn't let anything happen to her-

Uncle Johnny:
You put her in this danger! Bringing her into your fight with the VMD!

Taylor:
Who has VD?

Josephina:
How...how do you know about that?

Uncle Johnny:
I am EWDPTS!

Josephina:
Ethnics Who Don't Play That Shit....wow, I've never met one...

Uncle Johnny:
Now you've met two. (looks at Taylor who is coyly eating a cupcake)

Taylor:
Wait...what? I am a part of some crew? DO I have to pay fee's...or draw blood?

Uncle Johnny:
(chuckles)
No. You just have to be. Your time will come-you already have the instincts.

Josephina:
Wow Taylor...we're both a part of assasination crews! (they hi-5)

Taylor:
I wonder if Britain is in one too...and doesn't know...Lorna definitely is affliated with something-

Uncle Johnny:
The main thing to remember is to keep this all a secret. No one has to know, unless they have to.

Taylor:
Yeah, I can keep a secret...


Scene 5: We are at Britain and Robert Downey Jr's engagement party! Mark Ronson is Dj'ing while Lorna, Mr. Starbucks, Uncle Johnny, Taylor, Phillip Seymour Hoffman, Acorn, Uncle Mickey, and J. E. O'finnigan all mingle. The party is in a large open loft space in Soho. There are waiters and waitresses dressed in black serving cocktails and hor d'ouerves. "American Boy" by Estelle is playing.

Robert Downey Jr.:
(stands next to Josephina)
This is great! I can't thank you, Taylor and Lorna enough.

Josephina:
No worries. We'd do anything for our girl Britain...and you too, by association- (notices RDJ has sad eyes) is everything okay?

Robert Downey Jr.:
Fine. Fine. (mumbles something) I see the Hoffster, gonna go say hi.

Josephina:
Okay....(notices Taylor. Who is wearing a mini magenta dress, charcoal leggings and fedora) What the hell?

Taylor:
Hello to you too, Jose. The party is a success (waves Lorna and Mr. Starbucks over)

Josephina:
Sure, but what's up with the outfit? Next you're going to tell me you're going to a Vampire Weekend concert...

Taylor:
They are actually great live...(Josephina gasps)

Lorna:
Taylor, Taylor...dressing like SJP a la "Square Pegs" is not going to get RDJ into your bed-

Taylor:
I don't want RDJ in my bed!

Mr. Starbucks:
Come on now, even I want to fuck that guy. We all do...just that you're a lil more blatant.

J. E' Ofinnigan:

What's this about fucking Robert Downey Jr.?

Taylor:
No one is fucking Robert- (a mini pig-in-a-blanket hits her on the forehead, she looks up and sees Britain glaring at her)
B...I am not...

Britain:

Enough is enough! We are fighting! Ronson put on some Prodigy because I am about to smack this bitch up!

Taylor:

Britain...seriously...no...I am not doing ANYTHING with Robert-look at me, I'm totally bangin' Mark Ronson! (Mark looks up and then goes back to DJ'ing)

Britain:
The more you say his name the more its gonna hurt!

Robert Downey Jr.:
Brit, stop it! (takes the Starbucks tumbler out her hand that she has been chuggin') Is that a Cuervo magarita?!

Acorn:
Baby B is a hot mess, tequila and her friends got her stressed...wish I coulda been there for some agression sex-

Taylor:
Shit tequila! (whispers at her Uncle Johnny) Will my instincts help me? B can kill a bitch when she's on the 'quila...

Uncle Johnny:

It may not come to that (eyes J. EO'finnigan who is calmly sipping a martini and Britain who is thrusting her bodily violently at RDJ and PSH trying to get to Taylor)

Uncle Mickey:
Let her go! Haven't seen a good fight since I bit the head off my chihuahua. Wanna see some BLOOD!

Lorna:
(eyes Uncle Mickey)
I like you. Kurt had no hootzpah. You've got it.

Uncle Johnny:

(walks towards Britain)
You need to keep him (points to J. E'Ofinnigan) away from her (points at Britain)...

Josephina:
I understand because he is wearing cargo pants...but what does this have to do with Britain killing Taylor?

Uncle Johnny:
Its him. Britain doesn't want to kill her- wow, I've heard of this but have never seen it- these two are soul mates.

Britain:
(stops thrashing)
What the fuck? Who let this asshole in! No one, and I mean NO MAN with a pony tail tells me what the fuck is going on!!

Uncle Johnny:
You, (turns to J. E'Ofinnigan) when did you get to town?

J. E'Ofinnigan:

Just moved here like 3 weeks ago...

Robert Downey Jr.:
Which is when Britain started acting funny-

Josephina:
....and when the tumbler came out.

Phillip Seymour Hoffman:

As crazy as this sounds....its makes sense....then again what's really crazy Mickey Rourke managing a Starbucks?

Uncle Johnny:
This happens every 20 or so years....two people destined to be together, who are perfectly powerful without each other-meet and then one becomes a wreck, while the other gains a little more power...

Taylor:
So we have to get rid of J.E.?

Uncle Johnny:

No. Now that Britain knows, she should be fine...now if they copulate-

Britain:

Oh hells no!

Robert Downey Jr.:

(shudders)
He is wearing a plaid button-down...how is that YOUR soul mate?

Uncle Johnny:

Opposites attract, I guess.

J. E'Ofinnigan:

You guys don't even know me, I'm cool guy...soul mate material.

Britain:

Right...baby, get me out of here....

Robert Downey Jr.:
With pleasure. (they start to head out)

Britain:
T, we good?

Taylor:
Always. (Britain and RDJ leave)

Josephina:

Okay! Why don't we continue this awesomely awkward party at my NEW bikini bar!

Uncle Mickey:

As long as there are 'happy endings'...

J. E'Ofinnigan is driving Taylor to the new and improved Hot Ho's Bikini Bar. They are drop off her Uncle Johnny who has an early day. Once Uncle Johnny leaves the car, J. E'finnigan begins staring longingly in Taylor's eyes. Ne-Yo's "Closer" is playing low in the background.

Taylor:

What?!

J. E'Ofinnigan:
I'm just glad you're not my soul mate...

Taylor:
I know! Britain has all the luck! Can we get a move on, don't wanna miss the good cupcakes!

J. E'Ofinnigan:

(caresses her cheek, she shivers)
I understand you wanting to fight this and we need to be secretive, but we're alone now....(leans closer to her) and that hating on me shit has got to stop.

Taylor:
(sighs)
Okay....


We are at Hot Ho's Bikini Bar. Uncle Manny has joined the party and is watching J. E'Ofinnigan who is watching as Taylor chats with Mark Ronson. "Lollipop" by Lil Wayne is on.




Taylor:
So, you just add some horns and emo becomes soulful?

Mark Ronson:
Well, I also add in guitars played by Black people. That's where the soul comes in...

Taylor:
I see...then you find a crack head to sing on it. (starts laughing) Come on that was funny!

Mark Ronson:
No it wasn't- (they are interrupted by Uncle Manny trying to blowing a dart toward J. E'Ofinnigan, one that Taylor catches and throws back hitting Uncle Manny's arm. Everyone is shocked)

Josephina:
I guess thats it. Hot Ho's is gonna be a success! We've already had one almost killing! Uncle Manny why did you try to kill J.E.?

Uncle Manny:
Cuz he's..(passes out)

J. E'Ofinnigan:
Someone better get that man to a doctor. (smiles at Taylor, she squints at him, Josephina looks between the two of them)




Scene 6:
We are back at the Starbucks. Britain and Taylor are behind registers, Josephina is restocking the treats, J. E'Ofinnigan is wiping off counters and Uncle Mickey is sleeping in the back office. "Everything is Everything" by Lauryn Hill is playing low in background.

Taylor:
Again, I'm sorry I hurt your Uncle Manny-

Britain:
To save...him (looks at J. E'Ofinnigan with disgust)

Josephina:
You mean your soul mate, Britain? (smiles, Taylor laughs, Britain scowls) Its okay T...is there any reason why you would wanna save a tool bag though?

Taylor:

Well who's gonna stock napkins?

Britain:

That's Taylor, always thinking ahead.

J. E'Ofinnigan:

Speaking of napkins I need help finding some in the back...Taylor. (they eye dagger each other)

Taylor:
Can't find good help these days...(goes in the back with J.E'Ofinnigan)

Josephina:
At least she stopped wearing hipster gear.

Britain:

Yeah...and I mean Taylor has fucked some dildo's in her time, but even SHE has standards...right?

Josephina:

Totally. (they look at each other and then towards the back)

Britain:

She is totally bonin' him.

Josephina:
Yep.

Britain:
At least you have your bikini bar and I am not a crazy abusive drunk! (they hi-5)

Josephina:

Hells yeah! We're moving on up!

Monday, June 28, 2010

The Place Where I Work: High Hopes

I had high hopes for this Monday. Didn’t want to approach things like my usual- ‘sullen faced hate the world type’ of vibe.
I was like: Hey there Monday. Stay in your lane. Imma stay in mine.
Started out okay- had a nice mix going on the iTouch. Caught an early train and no one smelly sat next to me. Was even okay about it being so hot, so early. I know JT (Justin Timberlake) is allllll about the ‘air being thick and smelling right’, but I am a Gemini and I need not-so-thick air. Like my air thin and breathable. Wasn’t gonna let it get to me though.
Then I got on the 6 train.
The 6 train is notorious for ruining my (and most people I know) day(s). The fact that one can be 3 stops away from work AND early, and then wind showing up 20 minutes late to work-is really the MAGIC of the 6 train.
By the time I got to work I was DONE with today. Done. The mix of the 6 train and then walking to work realizing I am surrounded by ‘tailor-made douchbaggery’ was disheartening.

Then I had lady time in the ladies room with Frau. I was checking the mirror to see if my frown lines were setting in, when she comes over, smiles and approves of my ‘it’s so hot I am just happy to have clothes on and be here’ outfit. That and the caramel mocha frapp really helped to get me back on the good foot.
Mr. Darcy added to the entertainment factor for the day. First Darcy has Frau working with him- I guess to keep ‘the ship steered’ and the rest of the CHICKS who work for him are all cute petite brunettes who love Thory Birch EVERYTHING and short dresses. Have to applaud him. How can I hate on that? If I were the entrepreneurial type, would totally have a Frau-type and the rest of the office would be a ‘World Cup Buffet’! Like the World Cup, every country wouldn’t get a chance to play…and I definitely would have favorites. There would be cook-offs, cock-offs and shirt-offs!

Speaking of World Cup, don’t get it twisted, I am not suddenly a footie-head because the world is watching- I mean, I have a hard time giving a hoot about the Olympics. Just how I roll. This also doesn’t mean I have no knowledge of the sport, I do. Why? Um, hot dudes play soccer/football. Not all of them are hot, but a great deal of them are which makes me a casual watcher of the sport. Am not all hard up, but definitely rolled to a bar to check out a game last weekend. Another thing I noted: hot dudes watch footie. Diverse, hot, sweaty mens. I was in testosterone overload- and I liked it.
Besides hot mens, the weekend was a reflective time and a time of dealing in harsh reality. When one (me) finds herself saying: things are so bad, I may just roll through the Puerto Rican Day parade next year to hopefully get finger banged.
Then things are BAD.
One would think that someone as foxy as myself wouldn’t have a hard time getting fingerbanged, and honestly I don’t, but I have less patience than I did in my 20’s. My tolerance is low. I tire of dudes easily and don’t meet any that make me wanna put the DVD’s away and dust off the ‘fuck me pumps’.
Since I have decided to be more proactive about things, I’ve decided to go balls to the wall with online dating. Now I’ve dabbled before, but it was ALL half assed, and I felt I could meet these weirdo’s walking down the street- didn’t need the internet to up my weirdo meeting capabilities.
The best part is…I’m going to blog about my experiences. Now I have to go think of things to say on my profile that won’t paint the TOTAL picture of my asshole capabilities.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

May or May Not

- Reason why I am an asshole # 4:
I start posting The Story of We and then forget one week due to vodka and then can’t the following week due to not being able to find episode 6. Hmmm.

- Reason why I may not be an asshole # 4:
The flipside is I’ve been steadily finishing a first chapter to mystery series and I am damn proud!! It is looking really good.

- Reason why I may be an asshole # 5:
I thought this dude working where I work was English, but realize he is Australian. Two distinct accents and I know the difference. This won't stop me from calling the dude Mr. Darcy and still deeming him English.

Monday, June 21, 2010

The Place Where I Work: Frau

There’s a woman who works on my floor that I call (in my head) Frau. Frau has a thin line moustache, wears sensible shoes in the office and Vans with slouchy socks when the clock strikes 5PM. She is off like a lil critter of some sort, seemingly unburdened by her 2 small totes and purse. She is lil- not little- because I wear heels in the office and if I stand next to her by the copier she (the top of her head) just reaches my underboob.
My first day here Frau looked out for me. I guess I had that lost look. She took me by the arm and led me to café` and showed me how things worked. Who to get in good with and when to go up for lunch to insure you DON’T miss the boneless wing platter…like I did once. You know me, I am simple. You help me to acquire food and you’ve got a friend. Feeding me good food insures friendship for a life time.
Frau and I barely speak. Though like the magical lil critter I think her to be, she appears when I need her most. Like when the copy machine is doing something fucked up or Mr. Darcy (remember him) inappropriately stares at me. She furrows her lil brow and he pretends to look elsewhere.

In my head I sometimes imagine that Frau and I are office cohorts. An unlikely pair. Me all tall, shapely n’ exotic. And she all short, matronly and moustache having. We are best buddies in my head. I make her laugh till she has to clutch her lil chest- then smooth her poly-blend top almost ashamed she let herself go and wrinkle it with laughter, and she saves me from office lothario’s like this one dude who was speaking English just fine till he saw me and then started speaking Spanish and giving me…’the look’. The ‘I want to put more than the tip in but will get too excited and just make a mess’ look.
I gave him my ‘lazy cat when they have no use for you’ look because I am not Spanish/Latina- and I speak very little Espanol. I understand enough to keep me from getting gang-banged. Safety first, bitches.
Anways, if Frau was there, she would’ve placed her little body between us and given him a ‘you should know better young man’ look. Then Frau and I would continue our discussion about last night’s TrueBlood and how to make a great meatball.
Good times.

Friday, June 18, 2010

Not Possible

Today has been a slow and quiet day at work which has left me with a lot of time to research my varying interest- some related to stories I’m working on - and time to contemplate how one gets kidnapped and forced to do crack and drink large amounts of alcohol.
Recently, this actor Jeremy London who was on one of them FOX shows claims he was kidnapped and forced to do crack…and drink alcohol-not the rubbing kind.
If you recall the legendary Rick James was accused of kidnapping some woman and forcing her to smoke crack.
Compelling!
Having had various crackhead relatives and growing up in New York City where crackhead’s are known to roam the streets as much as pigeons- needless to say, I know my crackheads. Am also basing my analysis of them on Samuel L. Jackson and Halle Berry’s characters in the amazing flick ‘Jungle Fever’ One thing that is true about them (ALL of them), is that NONE of them would force/want another person smoking their rock. Do you know what they had to do to get that shit????!!! Something that would make even one of them Kardashian ho’s blush.
I believe they would kidnap you in hope of getting money for more rocks-or forcing you to bring them to your apartment and then stealing your toaster and TV to buy more rocks. But forcing you to smoke the rocks they’ve stolen/prostitution whored themselves out for- HELLS NO!
Literally, all day I have run various scenarios in my head and all of them leave me with the same conclusion: people who claim to have been kidnapped and forced to smoke crack are full of horse shit!!
The next time someone tries to run that game on you, just say: stop playing’, CRACKHEAD!
Then run away before they steal your iPad or something.

In other news, here is a funny chat excerpt between E and I- remember my random homie who loves himself the drink, large amounts of cologne and Abercrombie & Fitch. Basically, my polar opposite.

E: happy belated homie!

Me: hahaha tanks homie!!
how are you??!!

E: good good. heading out of the office a little early, open house/happy hour at my buddy’s firm. free booze attracts me like a fly to shit

Me: sounds classy. also, not surprising.

E: ha

me: just don't fall on your face
or get ass raped by a bear, you ARE in PA

E: I are.

me: so be careful

E: pretty sure you would get a kick out of my attire today...
I have a blue time with many small pink whales with blow holes
...yes spewing blow holes. no homo

me: wow!!! how waspy of you.
you still rockin abercrombie everything?

E: nah trying to grow up...crew/bananna now

me: wow! cashmere sweaters n shit??

E: yea real snazzy shit
you ever hear from kirk?

me: nah i don't chat with that bitch
j and b barely do!
last i heard he was in school and his girl dumped him

E: oh dam that sucks
thought they were lifers

me: karma

Thursday, June 17, 2010

The Place Where I Work: Workin' It?

I’ve always fancied myself the heroine in the movie where I happen to stumble upon Oprah Winfrey’s number-while slaving away at my lowly temp job- I remind her that I met her at age 11 and she wasn’t very pleasant…and then I proceed to be the first bestselling author for Oprah’s BRAND NEW publishing house called: O Books.
Thoughts like this occur to me when I work in places where higher ups in the film, TV, music AND publishing industry’s info are placed ever so gently at my finger tips. Something always stops me though. It’s like yeah I’ll look up various rap songs by Brian Austen Green all day, but contacting a big wig at Harper Collins would be overstepping my ‘code of work ethic’…or something. It’s called opportunity and rarely do I seize it. This has to change. There has to be a way-without getting fired and then blacklisted in this illustrious ‘temping’ community- to contact these people (in the publishing world specifically) in a subtle way.

In other news, we have an intern. I was excited at the prospect of unpaid, young tender sac (because I only care about the male ones), and then of course when I meet said ‘tender sac’ I always think: he looks all of 12 or 13 tops!
That’s not attractive to me. Around 16 or 17-depending on how much McDonalds they’ve eaten, all them hormones make for mighty fine looking older looking sac- is when I start putting the ‘almondy’ on them. I’m starting a new thing. Calling my look of lust ‘almondy’- said in a gay man’s dialect of lisp- because my eyes are almond shaped. Sheer genius.
Anyways, the intern looks like a well dressed 12 year old, but his voice…I would eff the shit out of his voice!!! Like woah. Am feeling bad about thinking this especially since there is this team of geeks-ahem, dudes- installing a new phone system including one (dude) that looks like he touches children/animals in inappropriate ways. He has wild eyes (very different from the eyes of the insane) and teeth that are too spaced out. Like in between every tooth there is a gap. The combination along with his schoolboy hairstyle- and he is a GROWN ass man- makes me leery. I keep getting distracted though, by another dude who works with him who sounds EXACTLY like the Russian bear on The Cleveland Show. Wanna hear that dude talk alll day.
Ahhhhh.

5PM cannot come soon enough; I still have birthday celebrating to do!!

There Really Is Enough for Everyone

This past Tuesday was my birthday. I know, a glorious day indeed.
Forgive my lack of blogging-including keeping up with my weekly Wednesday ‘The Story of We’ update, but I’ve been in a vodka induced haze. Through no fault of my own, just have some thorough friends who believe that you shouldn’t really remember your birthday. One should only feel the aftermath and figure it was all worth it.
In a span of a few days, I was shown so much love from pretty much everyone I know which proves that I am, in fact, a lovable asshole!! It’s like I say the most inappropriate things-except when I’ve had too much vodka- but you can’t deny yourself the entertainment.

I am a freak of nature that rarely does inappropriate things when in an inebriated state. This is because I don’t get drunk-just get a foggy memory- and most of the time I am silently telling myself not to do anything stupid. I refuse to be one of the drunk bitches people see walking around all crazy-like, and I rarely need alcohol as an excuse to be forward, or ‘have a personality’. In any case, I am all about the over drinking on birthday because as I enter my golden years and the responsibilities pile up, and people comment on my husbandless and childless-ness- I feel I need to drink to keep from punching. It’s either that I am loser for having none of that or I am bitter harpy who obviously has issues and cannot keep a man. When I drink though, I forget all those trivial things and think about cake! I remember the true meaning of the celebration. Cake. Being with good people who are happy that you were born…even me. Awww.

…since I am a trendsetter as well, my ‘there’s enough for everyone’ along with subtle hand motions directing one to my loins- is still a big hit. A birthday text from m’girl Marino made me clutch my cell and hold it close. It read: Happy Bday to the woman who has enough for everyone!!!!
I truly do, just choose to never give it away. ::sad face::

Friday, June 11, 2010

The Place Where I Work: You Won't Like 'Nessa When She's Angry...or Hungry

Forbidden Love in Midtown continues today…
Mr. Burns was supposed to be OUT all day-who rolled in the same time as me this morning all smiley and checking out my cute dress?? Mr. Burns!!!
I said my good mornings and then went on to be bukake'd (sp) with work. That is two strikes. It is FRIDAY and I expected to be working on chapters for my mystery series …instead I am WORKING. Bah.
Also had to be on better behavior because Mr. Burns was in-thankfully only till the 12noon. Per usual, being a person who often puts her foot in her mouth ALONG with being hateful to people when all they wanna do is show me love, Mr. Burns has been raving about me. He thinks I am doing a fabulous job and was a great choice.
Wow.
Now I feel like a total ass…OR…does this further prove how much he wants to whisk me away to his bungalow in St. Tropez. Where we will snorkel nude, and yacht it up on the regs....

Anywho, once he left for the next few days (woot woot), I got to chapter writing and daydreaming about the boneless chicken wing platter on the lunch menu for today. I envisioned lots of blue cheese…maybe some bbq sauce…fries…happiness. Had to run a quick errand at lunch though which got me back to the café too late therefore missing the boneless chicken wing platter special for the day!
Sadness washed over me. Almost drowned in it when the only other thing I would eat-because I am not into pastrami sandwiches- was the SALMON SALAD. I may have visibly shaken. You can’t be thinking up delightful ways to dip your boneless chicken pieces and then eat some lettuce with grilled salmon on top!!!....so I got a slice of chocolate cake just so I wouldn’t be too angry.
You think I’m lying when I say there is 550lb girl just waiting to make her debut, but I'm not. Her name is ‘Nessa and she shares the space with ‘Cisco my inner gay man. He is lean and mean though, so they don’t have to fight for too much space-but if ‘Nessa gets a lil too rambunctious, ‘Cisco will just look at her and say: heifer, please!
If I hadn’t had that chocolate cake though- ‘Nessa would’ve eaten ‘Cisco and that would make me sad…and less stylish and apt to twirl when I hear Sylvester’s “You Make Me Feel, Mighty Real”.

Overall, it IS Friday, and I have Monday off!! The new season of True Blood starts this Sunday. Life is good!!!!

Thursday, June 10, 2010

The Place Where I Work: Creating My Own Soap Opera

Oh how the tables have turned.
Hate to sound cliché, but I may wanna entertain the thought of bonin’ my boss.
Hear me out!
First, I’ll never do it.
Second, he is not married- he does have a girlfriend though who recently had a baby, but since no ring has been put on it…am thinking because she won’t switch to Judaism and he is DEEP in it- she is Latina-possibly Catholic, I believe. Anyways, with no ring, there still leaves room for my imagination.
How did I go from ‘bleah’ to bone? All it took was one look. Mr. Burns tends to look me in the eye a lot-always with a slight smirk. Not a creepy smirk, but a knowing one. One that senses my irrelevant sense of humor and that I may have stepped into his office to pass gas-heathens fart. Mr. Burns never had much use for me before. This is because I was new and didn’t know anything. Now, two weeks in, we’ve spoken and he sees that I am not a total idiot. He also has a wicked sense of humor.
On top of all that he does triathlons and stuff- shit I would never do, but am always interested in people who do these things. I still think of him as a walking taint as well, but this doesn’t mean I can’t think about him sneaking me off to Aspen where we will play nude scrabble and dip various things in hot cocoa. All my underlying hate means is that I won’t fall in love.

In other news, my birthday is coming up. *sigh* Another year and I haven’t accomplished all I want. There are still reasons to celebrate though: great skin genetics, Lil Wayne is in jail, I have great people in my life-like the numbers keep increasing, I have a job I hate less, and though I am not close to where I wanna be or where I’m gonna go I am having a great time getting there. I’m also not a total schmuck. Instead of just letting the day go by- or the weekend before, for that matter (my birthday is on Tuesday) - I have decided to embrace this new year and be grateful for all the good things. Also, the opportunity to shake my ass and lounge about fills me with a slight giddiness at my old age. Better do all that I can now before the hips stop telling lies and start needing replacement.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

The Story of We: Episode 5


The Story of We
Episode5: We Holiday
Screenplay by Honey T
12/5/06




Setting: In NYC, of course, the story takes place in a Starbucks, in a penthouse over looking Central Park, in a building lobby, Saks Fifth Avenue, and Taylor’s apartment. The story and characters tend to move all around the city…its boroughs and islands. The year is 2007 and the world is as it is. Reality is real.

Starring:
Taylor Greene- 20’s, witty, aloof, wordy
Britain Sawyer- 20’s, clever, cute and sturdy
Josephina Fergus- 20’s, cute, sweet and rage-filled
Lorna Long- 20’s, drunkard, respectable, leads a semi-charmed life
Marilyn Herringbone- 20’s, hater, mom, ghost
Kurt Sandleback- 20’s, mysterious, eccentric, moody
Acorn Dillon- 20’s, artist, rapper, babysitter
Featuring:
Spearchuck Openhide- ageless, doctor, playboy
Santo Domingo- 20’s, Latin heart throb, assassin
Darwin Jeffries- 20’s, choreographer, hippy, neo-souler
Fifty Cent- as himself
Tyra Banks- as herself
Amy Winehouse- as herself
Rihanna – as herself
Craig David- as himself
Robert Downey Jr.- as himself
Phillip Seymour Hoffman- as himself
Pam Grier- as Taylor’s Mom
Denzel Washington- Taylor’s Dad
John Cleese- as Britain’s Dad
Eartha Kitt- as Britain’s Step-Mom
Cissy Spacek- as Josephina’s Mom
Samuel Jackson- as Josephina’s Step-Dad
Diana Ross- as Lorna’s Mom
Daryl Hannah- as Kurt’s Mom
Wayne Newton- as Kurt’s Dad
AND
Steve Carell as Mr. Starbucks


Scene 1: A sign reads: Saks 5th Avenue. We then go inside and see Britain, Taylor, Lorna and Josephina holiday shopping. They happen to be in the shoe section. All is well until Taylor spots Kurt with Tyra Banks picking out snake skinned ankle boots. Nat King Cole’s ‘Silent Night’ plays softly in the background.


Taylor:
That’s really him-

Britain:
Is he with a tranny?

Taylor:
Well ever since I dumped him, he just hasn’t been right. First Marilyn…now a tranny.

Lorna:
I know the shine of that forehead-that’s Tyra Banks. (they all gasp and try to sneak inconspicuous peaks)

Taylor:
Holy shit! It is Tyra!

Josephina:
She’s so gab-o-liscious! (giggles)

Britain:
I can’t believe he’s with Tyra Banks! That’s insane!

Taylor:
No the boots are the insane thing.

Lorna:
True dat. (they all look at Lorna for a moment) I’ve been feeling more urban lately.

Britain:
We need to go over there and find out what’s going on. (they all walk towards Kurt and Tyra, they stand in a half circle around the two)

Kurt:
(smiles) Ladies, what are you doing here?

Jospehina:
Shopping. What about you…getting new boots? (smirks)

Kurt:
No, actually my girlfriend Tyra Banks is buying boots.

Tyra Banks:
(waves) Hi ladies! I’m Tyra. Yall look great! Like an ad. I model…well I’m retired now-

Taylor:
And you have that talk show.

Tyra Banks:

Yes! ‘The Tyra Banks Show!’

Britain:

How’d you two lovebirds meet? (Kurt and Tyra look at each other and tap each others legs, Britain, Josephina and Taylor mock vomiting. Lorna looks on slightly interested.)

Kurt:
Should you tell or me-

Tyra Banks:
You tell!

Kurt:
No you!

Britain:

Tyra should tell. She does have a talk show. (smirks)

Tyra Banks:
Okay, so sweet Kurt (touches his cheek, Kurt looks down all shy-like) came on my show to tell his story-

Josephina:

Yes! I remember that. Curtis and I took a straight shots of Criss every time he said, ‘Um’.

Tyra Banks:

Awesome. He talked about thinking he had a son. Someone to love in this world- (stops because Lorna, Josephina, Taylor and Britain are laughing loudly)

Britain:

(wipes a tear) Sorry, continue…whew.

Tyra Banks:

Sadly the child wasn’t his, and now he feels alone in the world. Like life has no purpose. Reminded me of the time when Sports Illustrated called to tell me I wouldn’t make the cover one year. It was devastating, like a piece of my soul was ripped out. (starts tearing up)

Kurt:
(puts his arms around her)
Oh baby. (they hug and whisper sweet nothings in each others ears)

Taylor:

Okay, so we’re gonna go.

Britain:
Uh…yeah. See ya later. I- (is yanked away by Taylor. Lorna and Josephina have hastily made their way to the escalators)

Josephina:
Holy shit, that was painful!

Britain:

I still don’t understand what’s going on.

Lorna:

I think Kurt is at a point in his life where he’s trying to belong. Its like people who join cults.

Taylor:

He’s drinking the Tyra-juice- wait…(dry heaves)

Britain:
Oh dude, that was disgusting.

Josephina:

Does this mean we have to hang out with her? I don’t know how nice I can be to her-

Taylor:
Me either. I would be more excited if he were dating Miss Jay…

Britain:
Or even a male model…like Tyson Beckford. (turns bright red when she see’s Santo Domingo walking towards them, carrying a gold lame` suit) Oh shit.

Taylor:
I know! Someone should inform Ricky Ricardo here that Solid Gold has been CANCELLED. (she and Josephina hi-5)

Josephina:
Maybe Diddy is bringing shiny suits back!

Britain:

Right. (avoids eye contact with Santo, he walks up to her)

Santo:
Hello…

Britain:

Who are you?! Come on! (walks quickly ahead of everyone, they all follow a little stunned, Santo is left standing alone holding his suit)

Taylor:
(once they reach the handbag section) What was that about?

Britain:
Nothing. That guy was weird…he had a shiny gold suit.

Josephina:
He also seemed to know you-

Britain:
What?! No way. Me…him…nooooo.

Lorna:
Me thinks thou protest too much. Is he at least good in the sac?

Britain:
(blushes) Sac? What?! No.

Phillip Seymour Hoffman:

Britain?

Britain:
Phillip! Hey! (they hug, whispers:) Thank God!

Phillip Seymour Hoffman:
Hello again ladies. (he waves)

Taylor:
Hoffster, what’s crackin’?

Phillip Seymour Hoffman:

Oh, a little holiday shopping for the lady and family. Lorna you lushy bitch. Give me a hug! (he and Lorna hug)

Lorna:
Oh Phil you’re such a crack up! You haven’t changed since Alvin Ailey.

Britain:

Wait- you guys know each other?

Taylor:

You guys danced in an African American dance company??!

Lorna:
(ignores Britain and Taylor)
I’m sorry we didn’t get to chat at the memorial…

Phillip Seymour Hoffman:

Well, it was a Lorna Long production…so it had to be insane!

Lorna:
It doesn’t compare to that Halloween at Polanski’s-

Phillip Seymour Hoffman:

Hush your mischievous mouth. (turns to Britain) You, what’s going on?

Britain:
Uh, holiday shopping-

Phillip Seymour Hoffman:

Nope. You and RDJ. Word around town is that you’re avoiding him-

Taylor:
He’s not the only one…(shimmy’s her shoulders) eh-eh eh- eh. (she and Josephina hi-5)

Britain:

Fuck you Taylor! I did not know that guy! (takes a moment) Phillip Seymour Hoffman, I have been really busy. Robert understands.

Phillip Seymour Hoffman:

Oh I know RDJ like I know my dick size. He will not stand for the avoiding.

Britain:
Weren’t you the one that said-

Phillip Seymour Hoffman:

Fuck what I said! You have come into your own. You have also put in a few years with RDJ, you owe him a chance.

Britain:
I’ll think about it.

Phillip Seymour Hoffman:

What’s there to think about? You love him, he loves you-

Britain:

Yes. It’ll be fine for a few months and then he’s back on the pipe.

Phillip Seymour Hoffman:
B, I’ve seen him. He’s different.

Taylor:

I don’t know much, but I know Phillip Seymour Hoffman is wise. (she and Phillip curtsy each other, then Taylor nudges Britain) Give him a chance.

Britain:
(looks at all her friends slightly pleading faces…well Lorna is purchasing a 3thousand dollar handbag and is paying no mind to the conversation) I don’t know guys….


Scene 2: We are in Fifty Cent’s Escalade. Josephina is in the front passenger seat and Lorna is sitting in the back. Fifty is playing “Ignition (Remix)” by R. Kelly.

Lorna:
(is scrolling through her i-Phone) So what exactly did Brit say was wrong with her?

Josephina:

She just text me: Taylor and tequila.

Lorna:
Sweet Jesus! What the fuck happened between us shopping and tequila?

Fifty Cent:

Yo, a lot can happen in a day.

Josephina:
I know it must be bad if Taylor has turned to tequila-

Lorna:
Well there’s still hope. If she has the Cuervo out, then we know its just Taylor with a taste for tequila…anything will do. Its just the holidays. Now, if its Patron…then that’s bad.

Fifty Cent:
Taylor seems like she doesn’t give a fuck about things enough for it to get her all like that…

Josephina
:
She’s a tough cookie with a chewy center.

Lorna:

Yes, Taylor is like vulva-

Fifty Cent:
Oh yo, we’re here. (they all exit the Escalade quickly, and run up Taylor’s brownstone steps. Josephina presses the buzzer and they get buzzed in. Britain appears at the top of the stairs with her arms folded, you can hear Taylor singing ‘S.O.S” by Rihanna rather poorly in the background)

Britain:

Thank goodness you’re here-

Lorna:
Patron or Cuervo?

Britain:
Patron. 3 bottles of Patron!

Josephina:

Holy shit! What the fuck happened?

Britain:
(shakes her head) Dunno where to begin…..I happened to be stopping by to pick up this sweater I wanted to borrow from her, and she is blasting Mariah Carey ‘Vision of Love’!

Lorna:
Sweet heavenly hay-sus!! Mariah AND Patron!

Fifty Cent:
(has a ‘stink’ face) Was she singing that too?

Josephina:

(hits Fifty’s arm) Curtis! Taylor has a pleasant singing voice…its just when she gets drunk..she sounds like a cat that needs to be put out of its misery.

Britain:
When I ask her what’s up she tries to punch me…then she cries. After a bit I get her to tell me what happened…basically Darwin is dating Rihanna and Taylor found out by watching Access Hollywood!

Josephina:
That scone eating giggalo!

Fifty Cent:

Wow he straight played T for the forehead, yo!

Lorna:
(shakes her head) I knew joining that Soul II Soul revival was a bad idea…and Darwin has always had a thing for pretty eyes and bad singing voices-

Taylor:

BRRRITAIN! WHERE ARE YOU?! I LOVE YOU! I DIDN’T MEAN TO ALMOST SHANK YOU. WHY DOES EVERYONE LEAVE MEEEE? (sniffles) GAWD! (sings) I’ll be your friend…to the end…be my umbrella-ella-ella-ella ay ay ay ay ayyyyyyyyyyyy-

Britain:

She did try to shank me, but didn’t break skin. (goes back into Taylor’s apartment, the gang follows. Britain sits next to Taylor who is laying face down on the couch, Britain rubs her back) There, there Taylor. Its okay. Look, Jose is here…and Fifty…and Lorna.

Lorna:
(rushes to Taylor’s side) I am so sorry my step-cousin is being an asshole. Let me make it up to you…here….(fumbles in her bag and pulls out a wad of cash) take this. Its only a g, but it should get ya something nice. (smiles)

Taylor:
(looks at the money and Lorna awhile, then snatches the cash) Thank you. (she weakly tries to punch Lorna in the face) I hate you! I hate you! You told me to call him! I hate you! (sings) I don’t wanna be…a murdererrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr….

Fifty Cent:

Yo seriously, she’s gotta stop singing! That shit is making my eardrums bleed.

Josephina:

Fuck you Curtis! Can’t you see our girl is in pain! This ain’t about you and your precious eardrums. (pulls out a Tupperware) I brought expresso cupcakes!

Fifty Cent:
(mumbles) Well if she woulda stayed with my boy Justin, then shit would be straight. You know them Euro-peans can’t be trusted…wearing tight jeans n’ shit. Fuck those dudes.

Josephina:

(says over her shoulder to Fifty) Curtis, if you don’t quit your bitchin’, I am gonna fist you with no ‘glide this time! (goes back to offering Taylor a cupcake)

Taylor:
(takes a cupcake) Thanks Jose. (two knocks are heard at the door as Taylor eats the cupcake, Fifty opens the door to Kurt and Tyra Banks)

Kurt:
Yo, what the fuck is going on? Taylor called me and started singing a Mariah Carey song…(looks at Taylor and see’s an empty bottle of Patron beside her) Oh shit! Patron!

Britain:
Yeah. Its bad man, but I’m glad she’s eating an expresso cupcake.

Tyra Banks:

Well what happened?

Taylor:
You know what happened? Big forehead bitches all want my men! (throws the rest of her cupcake at Tyra) I mean my leftovers! Take them. I don’t want them! (starts crying and then sings) Cuz itssss my night….no stress…leaving it all behind…chickens ashing up lotion….

Kurt:
(is helping Tyra clean the cupcake off her chest) I’m sorry baby. She doesn’t mean it.

Tyra:
She has some issues to work out…wait- is she still in love with you?

Britain:
(laughs) No way. Nobody wants Kurt…except you of course…(smiles)

Kurt:
Thanks Brit.

Tyra:
She just reminds me of Naomi Campbell. Just filled with anger and regret. Now she has to know that you’ve moved on from her and are with a supermodel. That’s gotta be tough-

Britain:

Um, Tyra …this is not about you or Kurt. This is about (whispers) Rihanna and Darwin- (notices Taylor is on the phone) Who did she call?

Taylor:
I hope your dick gets stuck to her forehead and then you both DIE!- (Josephina grabs the phone and hangs it up) Heyyyyyyyyy! (Josephina hands her another cupcake, which quiets her)

Josephina:

Shit, she just called Darwin.

Lorna:
(cell phone rings) Its Darwin. (picks up) Yeah…..I know, I know. Well she has a right- I guess…fine. (hangs up) Men just are what they are. Blank checks sitting in front of a rich woman with no appendages.

Britain:

Listen Taylor. We are all here for you…and you’ll be over this in a few hours.

Taylor:

Fuck dudes and foreheads! (throws the rest of her cupcake at Tyra again) I feel better.


Scene 3: We see Central Park at night, then follow Britain and Taylor as they enter Mr. Starbuck’s penthouse lobby. It looks like a normal residential building lobby of the insanely rich. Suddenly the lights go low and we hear finger snaps-‘Fosse’ like. A singular spotlight shines on a man snapping his fingers with his head down. He has on a black fedora with a red feather in it. He also has on a white t-shirt with black suspenders attached to black slacks. Britain and Taylor are a little stunned and alarmed. Then they hear many ‘Fosse’ like finger snaps. The lights come up slowly and there are 5 dancers, and a guy playing a baby grand piano. When the initial guy in the suspenders lifts his head he reveals himself to be Robert Downey Jr.. Britain and Taylor gasp.

Robert Downey Jr.:

(slowly walk towards Britain, sings in a jazzified tone:)
I don’t want a lot for Christmas….there is just one thing I need…I don’t care about the presents, underneath the Christmas tree…(touches her cheek, Britain just about melts) I just want you for my own, more than you will ever know…make my wish come truuuuuue…Brit baby all I want for Christmas…is you. (they kiss)

Taylor:
(slow claps)
See that’s what I’m muth-fuckin’ talkin’ about!

Britain:
Oh Robert…

Robert Downey Jr.:
I know I need to give you time and space, but I can’t function without my Britain. I did the full program this time and I think I beat it! Please come back to me. Please! (he kisses her again)

Taylor:
(looks around)
He must be off of the stuff…this kinda shit takes time and planning…and extra money that could possibly be used for drugs. Robert Downey Jr., you’re alright by me. (he stops kissing Britain long enough to hi-5 Taylor)

Robert Downey Jr.:

Thanks Taylor. (looks at Britain, holding her face close to his) So what’s it gonna be lady?

Britain:

Leave out the suspenders and fedora…and its gonna be you and me-(Robert Downey Jr. kisses her again)


Scene 4: Britain, Taylor and Robert Downey enter Mr. Starbucks penthouse apartment. The rest of the gang is there, including everyone’s parents! Tyra Banks is there, along with Phillip Seymour Hoffman and Fifty Cent. Craig David is also there chatting with Lorna’s mom, when he see’s Taylor he sneaks up behind her. The penthouse is festively decorated. Spearchuck and Acorn are dressed as waiters, they are holding silver trays filled with or d’horves. There is a string quartet playing in the corner, and long dinner table in the center of the room. Mr. Starbucks and Lorna are walking around greeting everybody. There is good cheer in the air.



Mr. Starbucks:

(in Lorna’s ear)
Who are those attractive Blacks by the oysters?

Lorna:
Oh, Taylor’s mom and dad. Aren’t they hot?!

Mr. Starbucks:

We should tell them we’re swingers…and see if they…bite. (they both chuckle)

Lorna:
Yes. Taylor’s mom and dad make me ten waves of moist. Let’s go get some spiked nog and then make our way to the oysters. (they walk towards a large crystal bowl filled with egg nog)

Fifty Cent
:
(is standing by one of the large windows of the penthouse with Josephina, her step-dad and her mom)
This penthouse is pretty dope.

Josephina’s Step-Dad:

Dope?! Mutha fucka don’t you have that shit around my babygirl-

Fifty Cent:

No sir, I would never…(is a little flustered)

Josephina’s Mom:

Ease up Leroy. (pats his shoulder)

Josephina:

Yeah dad…Curtis just means that this place is really nice-

Josephina’s Step-Dad:

Well shouldn't this mutha fucka be used to this. Isn’t he surrounded by the finer things. Walking into this penthouse should be like me walking into a MAC-DONALDS-

Fifty Cent:
Sir, you’re right, but because of my humble beginnings…I am still amazed.

Josephina’s Step-Dad:

What this mutha fucka talkin’ about…HUMBLE? He walks around with a fifty thousand dollar chain on his neck. (waves a hand at Fifty and then goes to mingle in the crowd)

Josephina’s Mom:

I’m so sorry Curtis. Leroy hasn’t eaten in a few hours. When his blood sugars low…well-

Fifty Cent:
No prob, Mrs. Fergus. Would you ladies like anything to drink?

Josephina:
I’m good. Just drank two glasses of henny and sprite.

Josephina’s Mom:
Wow. (shakes her head) I’m sorry, was just looking at that couple by the oysters-

Josephina:
Oh yeah, those are Taylor’s parents.

Fifty Cent:

Shit, if Taylor gets it from her momma…I wanna get it from them both! (Josephina gives him an ‘ice grill’) You know I’m playin’ babe-

Josephina:
No you’re not. Shit, if I didn’t respect Taylor AND her mom, I would totally try to put it on her dad…put it on him thick like frosting. (Fifty gives her a dirty look) I’m just jokin’ babe. (smirks)

Josephina’s Mom:

Well both you guys can just step to the side because I grew up in the free lovin’ 60’s…I should find out if they both don’t mind a little cream in their coffee-

Josephina:
MOM!

Craig David:

(is holding Taylor around her hips)
There you are love. I’ve been here for twenty minutes waiting aimlessly for my Taylor fix.

Taylor:
Oh. (is looking around, seems disinterested in Craig) Well here I am.

Craig David:

(sniffs her hair and nuzzles her neck)
We should find a coat closet and-

Britain:
Taylor and Craig David?! (has walked over with Robert Downey Jr and Phillip Seymour Hoffman)

Taylor:
Yes. It’s him. He’s great isn’t he? (smiles weakly)

Phillip Seymour Hoffman:
If you need a soundtrack to being gay….

Craig David:

That’s not fair man. I was just about to compliment your work-

Phillip Seymour Hoffman:
You know my work?

Craig David:
Of course. I respect your method man.

Phillip Seymour Hoffman:

(puts a hand over his heart) Well, thank you…but I still think your music is for young girls and men who dress like young girls.

Robert Downey Jr.:

Phil you are such an intellectual bully. (looks at Taylor a bit) What’s going on with this?

Taylor:
Just a lil fun…

Craig David:
That’s how it starts out till you fall in love-

Spearchuck:

(holding a tray of shrimp on sesame crackers, clears his throat) Shrimp on a cracker?

Taylor:
Oh hey its Spearchuck!

Spearchuck:
Yes, it’s me. (mumbles) Someone just stab me in the face…

Britain:
What was that? (takes a shrimp cracker)

Spearchuck:

Nothing. (sighs and walks away)

Britain:
Oh no… (Acorn strolls over carrying a tray of beef skewers, his smile turns into a frown when he see’s Robert Downey Jr. with his arm around Britain’s waist)

Acorn:
Lady love, love playing me with no glove, glove.

Robert Downey Jr.:

Oh wait, is this- (Britain nods) Acorn, I have heard so much about you. (puts his head down, to shield his chuckles)

Acorn:
Anybody want some beef on a stick, it’s not as juicy as the meat on my dick- (storms off)

Taylor
:
Woah!

Craig David:

He didn’t give me enough time to taste his meat… (they all look at him)

Phillip Seymour Hoffman:

Checkmate. (Britain’s Dad and Step-Mom walk over to them)

Britain’s Dad
:
(gives everyone a respectful nod) Taylor…and England’s very own Craig David..wow.

Taylor:
You know me Mr. Sawyer, I aim high.

Britain’s Step-Mom:

(purrs a little) Well he looks like an animal in the sac-

Britain:

Please. Stop. Talking. Hey look, its my boyfriend Robert Downey Jr.!

Robert Downey Jr.:

Hey guys.

Britain’s Dad:
Welcome back.

Britain’s Step-Mom:
Looks like the prison workout has done you good.

Robert Downey Jr.:
Just one of the perks when you’re not getting gang raped- not that that happened…

Taylor:
(notices Darwin come in with Rihanna, she starts making out with Craig David, then checks to see if they notice, Darwin looks at Taylor then places a hand on Rihanna’s ass, Taylor angrily squints) Come on Craig, let’s go meet my parents.

Craig David:

Whatever you say you sexy feisty bird. (they walk over to Taylor’s parents who are chatting with Kurt and Tyra Banks)

Taylor’s Dad:

I don’t know much about fashion week-oh hey Taylor…is this Darwin?

Taylor:
No dad its Craig David!

Kurt:
Wow Taylor that was quick-(Taylor quickly steps on his toe) Ouch!

Taylor’s Dad:

(holds out a magnificent chocolate brown hand) Pleasure to meet you.

Craig David:

(is a little flustered)
Nice meeting you too sir.

Taylor’s Dad:

This is Taylor’s mom, Mrs. Green.

Taylor’s Mom:

Hello there Craig…you’re a singer, right?

Craig David
:
Um…ye-yeah. (is blushing)

Taylor:
(whispers)
What the fuck is your problem?

Craig David:
I think I want to sleep with you and your parents-

Taylor:
What the-

Darwin:
(with a smiling Rihanna on his arm)
Hello there Taylor, you sober? (smirks)

Taylor:
I thought wait staff wasn’t allowed to speak. (guides both her parents towards the 17ft 24 karat gold Christmas tree) Come, let’s look at the tree. (Craig David follows)

Taylor’s Mom:

I don’t think he was a waiter-

Taylor:

Mom, don’t. We’re looking at this tree. (looks back at Darwin who then kisses Rihanna on the cheek)

Kurt:
That was weird. Oh, I see my parents….(waves over his mom and dad)

Tyra:
Oh, do I look okay?

Kurt:
Babe you look great.

Kurt’s Dad:

Son. This is a fine party.

Kurt’s Mom:
Yes, it’s much better than our wedding.

Kurt:
Mom, dad…this is Tyra Banks. She is my girlfriend.

Kurt’s Mom:

(hugs Tyra) I just love America’s Top Model! Miss Jay is so funny.

Kurt Dad’s:

I like the ladies… (smirks at Taylor, she waves back)

Tyra Banks:
Yes, that show is my baby. It’s also a great way for young women to build confidence and-

Kurt’s Dad:
So, is there any chance I could be a judge?

Tyra Banks:
(chuckles)
Do you have modeling credibility?

Kurt’s Dad:

No. (address’s Kurt) Are those Taylor’s parents?

Kurt:
Yeah.

Kurt’s Dad:

(smiles wistfully) I see where Taylor gets it from…hubba hubba.

Kurt’s Mom:
Her dad reminds me of one of those handsome Negro actors-

Kurt’s Dad:

Term is not Negro, hon-why does the tree look like its levitating? (they all look, and the gold Christmas tree is floating. Taylor and her parents move far away from it, which puts them by Mr. Starbucks, Lorna and Josephina’s Step-Dad. Phillip Seymour stands in the middle of the room, his eyes are closed and there appears to be a gust of wind around him…and him only.)

Phillip Seymour Hoffman
:
Do not be alarmed. There is a ghost among us. (his eyes are still closed)

Josephina’s Step-Dad:

Mutha fuckin’ ghost! This ain’t Halloween, its Christmas!

Mr. Starbucks:

Everyone calm down. This will be handled. I will not tolerate an uninvited guest.

Lorna:
Well what are you gonna do? Call the ghostbusters? (sips her spiked egg nog) Let Philip handle this-

Lorna’s Mom:
(stands closer to Mr. Starbucks)
Baby, never underestimate your man. That’s when momma has to step in and show him how a man should be treated.

Josephina’s Dad:

(looks at all of them)
This is some sick shit. Babygirl! These are your friends?!

Phillip Seymour Hoffman:

Everyone! Please, I am trying to concentrate.

Lorna:
(pulls Mr. Starbucks closer to her)
Mom, I only said Philip can handle this because he’s Wiccan.

Britain:
Of course he is. Phillip Seymour Hoffman is freakin’ magical!

Robert Downey Jr.:
PSH is something special…(he and Britain makeout)

Phillip Seymour Hoffman:

The spirit is angry. It’s a woman…..oh my word…its Marilyn (everyone gasps)….she wants to set the gold Christmas on fire, but says this cheap penthouse doesn’t have a fireplace…

Mr. Starbucks:
Actually I have three. All remote control and come out of the walls and floors. So, fuck you Marilyn.

Lorna:

Well put darling. (they clink spiked nog glasses and eye Taylor’s parents)

Phillip Seymour Hoffman:

(eyes finally open and the wind stops and the tree goes back to its original spot) Whew, I think she’s gone.

Taylor:
What did you do?

Phillip Seymour Hoffman:

I bitch slapped her spiritually. (everyone claps)

Josephina’s Step-Dad:

Well bra-fuckin’-vo. Babygirl, pour me some whiskey! (the music starts up again and the party resumes)

Lorna:
(is eyeing Taylor’s dad)
So…what do you guys do for fun?

Taylor’s Mom:

Archery and taxidermy. (she raises an eyebrow to Lorna)

Josephina’s Dad:

Oh snap. See Black women don’t play. (looks at Lorna) Better take your little ass over by that tree.

Taylor’s Dad:

(clears his throat)
Sweets, let’s go get some egg nog. Excuse us. (smiles)

Mr. Starbucks:
Have to be more subtle. Those beautiful creatures cannot know they’re being lured…they have to be coaxed into the cage…

Lorna:

Ooo. Cage?

Lorna’s Mom:

A seasoned women knows how to put real meat on the plate and make everyone think its tofu.

Lorna:

Mom, you’re staying in a hotel tonite and I don’t want to see you till next Christmas. (storms off)

Fifty Cent:
(is sitting with Josephina)
Your step-dad really doesn’t like me, yo.

Josephina:

Oh Curtis, he’s just a lil grumpy. Drink your nog, boo.

Fifty Cent:

I don’t know…oh shit! (notices Taylor making out hardcore with Craig David) Taylor is crazy son! She gonna make that Craig David straight she keep doing that-

Craig David:
Babe- ba…mmmm. (is massaging Taylor’s ass) Why don’t we just go to the closet? Your parents are here…

Taylor:

I like to show my affection. (smirks as Darwin walks over, pulling Rihanna) What do you want Darwin?

Darwin:
I want you to do us all a favor and quit making a show with Mr. David.

Craig David:
Ah, you’re from the homeland as well. I’m from North London.

Darwin:

Who cares. Taylor, you’re just making yourself look bad-

Rihanna:

So this is Taylor?! You called me her name the other night-

Taylor:

Its okay sweety. Once any man has a taste, its hard for them to go back to…typical cooch.

Craig David:

Hey, wait a minute…you called me Darwin the other night when we were-

Taylor:

Craig, shut the hell up!

Darwin:

Ah ha!

Taylor
:
Oh whatever, this was before Craig knew what he was doing…once he got the hang of it….I called him (says breathlessly) Mr. David. He’s also a better singer, dancer and lover than you, Darwin!

Darwin:
(is 10 shades of red, punches Craig David in the face) Fuck you R n’ B singers! (everyone gasps, Josephina’s Dad stands on a couch to get a better view of the fight)

Josephina’s Step-Dad
:
Babygirl! Bring these people to the annual barbeque!


Scene 5: We are in a Starbucks. Taylor is restocking the treats and humming a tune. Britain is behind a register and Josephina is behind another. Kurt is nowhere to be seen. Spearchuck is still wearing the waiter outfit (because Taylor likes it) and is restocking the napkins. Lorna strolls in.

Lorna:

I didn’t think you guys would be open…its New Years Eve.

Britain:

We know. Robert wanted to go to Tahoe, but I got this shitty shift. One would think with us being good friends with Mr. Starbucks he’d let have this day off.

Lorna:
He doesn’t mix business with pleasure. Where’s Kurt?

Josephina:
Most likely in his office with Tyra Banks. Please don’t ask me what they’re doing, it would make me wanna claw my brain out.

Lorna:
Taylor, you seem rather chipper…even though Darwin broke Craig David’s jaw. He may never sing again.

Taylor:

He’ll be aight. Yo, Josephina…your step-dad is the shit!

Josephina:
Yeah and I wanna fuck your dad! (they chuckle and hi-5)

Britain:

Insanity.

Lorna:
I also noticed that Rihanna nursed Mr. David and Darwin left with you, Taylor.

Taylor:

Just because we rode the same elevator down, doesn’t mean we left together. Puhh-lease.

Britain:
So you don’t want him back?

Taylor:
That fool can’t handle this.(just then the doors open, Robert Downey Jr. walks in with Amy Winehouse. She is carrying a microphone.) What the hell is this?

Britain:
What’s going on Robert?

Amy Winehouse:

O’shit, you didn’t tell me you knew Lorna Long. (she and Lorna hug) It’s been too long.

Lorna:

It sure has been. With love in my life I no longer need an 8ball to make it through the tough moments.

Amy Winehouse
:
I wan’a be like you when I gro’ up, Lorna.

Robert Downey Jr.:

Brit, I met Amy in rehab-

Taylor:

But I thought they tried to make her go-

Britain:
Don’t do it Taylor! That is too cheesy!

Taylor:

Shit, you’re right. Proceed.

Robert Downey Jr.:

Hit it Amy! (Amy starts singing her song ‘Addicted’) I chose this song because I am addicted to you now Britain....(Britain smiles)

Taylor:

(says under breath)
And she says I’m cheesy.

Robert Downey Jr.
(gets down on one knee, he is holding a small blue velvet box) Britain.

Britain:
O M G! O M G! O M G!

Josephina:

Taylor if there is a small crack rock in there, you owe me twenty bucks! (takes out her cell phone to take a pic)

Taylor:
Deal!

Robert Downey Jr.:

Britain, I love you more than any drug. The high you give me is unmatched. Please be my wife. Will you marry me?

Britain:
Yes! (they all cheer. Britain and Robert Downey Jr. hug and kiss, Kurt comes from the back with Tyra Banks)

Kurt:
What did I miss?

Taylor:

Britain is going to be Mrs. Downey Jr.!

Kurt:

Why didn’t anyone call me out here?!

Josephina:

We didn’t want to interrupt you going down on your girlfriend!

Kurt:
Damn you guys.

Tyra Banks:

There, there kitten…let’s have a frappacino.

Britain:
Kitten?! (she, Taylor, Josephina, Lorna, Amy Winhouse and Robert Downey Jr. all laugh heartily)

Amy Winehouse:

What a pussy!

Taylor:
Nice one Winehouse!

Lorna:
Wedding engagements are the perfect way to start the new year. Mr. Starbucks is bringing the Veuve. We’re closing early and having our own private party!

Amy Winehouse:

Then we can do coke lines with the big straws off of the lemon loafs.

Everyone (except Spearchuck):
Holla!!