Wednesday, September 30, 2009

The Place Where I Work: My Milkshake Brings All The Boys To The Yard...Somtimes...

I had a milkshake that made me feel like a male vampire was making slow love to me *shiver shiver*. A vampire because they are cold, unlike a man-man, who I would compare to good hot cocoa.
The milkshake was THAT good though. It was made from chocolate ice cream with crunchy peanut butter swirls going through it. This may also be known as the "I may be going through PMS and if I don't drink this I might just kill you for real' milkshake. Mmmmm mmmmmm!!!
Definitely needed to get me over my FINAL week in Hell. I should be more excited, but I live in the present (try to) and am still in HELL!
...there are some characters in Hell that help me get by. There's Head Honcho, he is an older gent who wears suspenders with matching ties. Very distinguished. He doesn't do much...except say hi to me EVERY TIME HE WALKS BY. Fun the first 3 times, but by the afternoon, I am ready to curse.
There's the Albino Dude-you from that Dan Brown book that became the movie starring Tom Hanks and Audrey Tatou. For the life of me cannot think of the name of the movie!!! Anyways, you know who I am talking about. The Albino Dude looks like he flogs himself...and looks...albino. That's all.
I've decided to single out one of the Gaggle of Douche's. He is tall. He is blonde. He is ALL AMERICAN. I call him Crest...because he looks like he has a family crest....and Chip would be TOO EASY.
So, Crest is the one who knows Jimmy Fallon-which makes me wonder about Mr. Fallon. Crest walks by my desk as I am about to send a text. He smugly smirks at my phone. My lil cell phone. No touch screen. No apps. He pulls out his iPhone and it proceeds to jack him off. Didn't know there was an app for that.
Nate Berkus is still my guy though. I still amuse him and he doesn't annoy me. He is a screenwriter when he is NOT in Hell. There's a connection- I knew it!! When I daydream...which I do most of the day, I picture Nate and I having 'writer sex'. Jeff Buckley would play in the background. Our afterglow would involve doing the New York Times crossword puzzle-together...and then we'd scribble our feelings in our individual notebooks. Never revealing our feelings to each other...we'd just write them out. Then we'd find some dramatic way to breakup-because writers create drama...or is that just me? we'd both write best-selling books, but mine would be made into a movie because I am funnier. :)

Ahhhh! It is sooo hard for me to get up in the morning and to go Hell. My motivation is money. Usually its food...or a good laugh, but to get me to Hell, I must think about the money. I think this is why I have been all about finding a rich douche to finance my dreams...or lack thereof. Usually I could give a fuck about a dude being rich, its hard enough finding someone NICE.
So, I've been hanging around SoHo....cuz I feel that's where the type of rich douche I can deal with hangs. Perhaps, I don't know what I'm doing because I am usually RUNNING AWAY from these guys, but being in Hell has altered my state-for now. Its made me realize, maybe I don't have to work...
The thing is, I don't dress slutty (enough) so I have to say something to intrigue the douche. Once I say one thing because saying anything more would ruin everything!!! As the douche speaks I let Lady Gaga's 'Just Dance' play over n' over in my head. This gives me a blank yet thoughtful stare.
It isn't enough thankfully Hell ends this week!! Yay!
....also, I haven't bagged a douche. Maybe I really am just scary, or too aloof, or intimidating, or lacking a certain je ne said quois. The Gaggle of Douche's are jumpy around me and try too hard to be friendly which brings out the Black Tina Fey in me. Are they scared of me? Is my exotic beauty truly too much?? HA! Hmmmm...will sip milkshake and contemplate my predicament...

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

The Place Where I Work: Harry!!!!

No matter how much you don't want it to come...Monday always comes.
There it is. All full with doom n' gloom. All knowing that its going to suck and make you hate it all the time!!!
Then as I am about to enter 30 Rock, I hear crooning. Some sexy sax. Then I hear his voice and I whisper, "Harry?"
As in Harry Connick Jr. who was performing on the Today show. That's when I realize that after I have my coffee, this Monday would be OKAY.
Yeah, I'm not afraid to admit that I *heart* me some Harry Connick Jr.. Love his acting. Love his music. Love that he seems like a down-to-Earth dude. All love. Since I am slightly greedy by nature, I thought it would be cool if I ran into him as I entered the first gateway to Hell, i.e. the lobby of the office building where I work.
I smile and sip my iced hazelnut coffee as I ride the narrow escalator up, up- then I hear the New Orleans drawl. Again I whisper, "Harry??"
Once in the lobby WHO DO I CROSS PATHS WITH AND MEET???? HARRY CONNICK JR.. YES! He was suited up, tall, built and HANDSOME. Harry was everything I imagined. Sweet. Charming. Focused on his family- his daughter was there. That's a good dude and he made my WEEK!!
I then went on to Hell wishing that Harry had a chance to hear my melodic voice and hired me as a back-up singer. We would eat crayfish n' drink beer, and Harry would tell me stories- and I would learn n' grow, and he would continue being wonderful. He would also teach me how to play the piano. *sigh*

Sunday, September 27, 2009

The Place Where I Work: The Reasons.

Perhaps my luck is the way it is because of thoughts like this:
while on bus I notice the bus driver is chewing on his nails, yet I noticed before that he was missing like HALF his teeth. This amused me.
Could this be the reason why my luck seems to bite me in the ass??
Or could it be me maintaining my Black Tina Fey status at Hell?
I was asked why I was dressed all snazzy. Hmmm, I was wearing all black...and a skirt...and a banging blue scarf for extra boob coverage since the Gaggle of Douche's (they used to be Gang of Dudes) can't keep their eyes off my boobs!
My response to one of the Gaggle of Douche's was: I have a hot date with your dad.
Silence, then slow understanding read across his face. Finally, he laughs and says, "You're funny!"
Later someone asks why all the black and I say its because I am mourning the death of my soul because I am working HERE!
More silence, then slow chuckles. *sigh*
Maybe I need to be more upbeat and think about the money I make-but its hard because though money helps, I am not driven by it. I'm driven by the love. The wanting to get up and enjoying what I do...or marrying a rich douche bad. Hmmm.

Thank hay-sus for Mariah Carey's "Heartbreaker" and Lauryn Hill's "Lost Ones" for helping me with my breakup.
What dude in their right mind would NOT want to be with me?? The one who doesn't even know we're in a relationship. Ha!!
Yeah, another crush that has gone into a relationship in my head- in reality the guy has NO IDEA I like him. Just how I like it....I guess...
Then I get all miffed when he shows interest in other women...and we break up.
It's just how I roll, yo. Alone, slightly insane....sad maybe. Awwwww.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

The Place Where I Work: Can't Let Go!

They won't let me go!
Its just how my luck is though- I'm the girl at the party watching the guy she likes dance with a skinny chick in a black dress (...nothing against skinny chicks, just skinny sluts- MEOOOOW!). He's all into it. I'm watching and getting hit on by a guy I have ZERO INTEREST in. OHHHH! Sounds like a true story...because it is!
That is just my effin' luck!
.....the point to all this is that this assignment I now call: HELL!,! They keep extending me and I would be a fool to turn them down because they are paying a lot of money to be unhappy...and I need to get my hur (hair) did.


The place is not a total waste. I was called a 'Black Tina Fey' which is fitting because I am within the 30 Rock compound. I hear the theme music in my head all the time and sarcasm is my dialect on the regs while at Hell.
I met Giada DiLaurentis of FOOD Network fame. She has that 'Everyday Italian' show. My friend JD said he doesn't trust her cookin' because she is too thin. After seeing her, I have to agree. That woman is PETITE. Tiny. Like she eats NO pasta. Would NEVER eat her lasagna. Not saying my cooks have to be obese, they just have to look like they've eaten a full meal...and not have thrown it up afterwards.
Being here has also helped me to realize that nerds will get up MAD early in the morning to NERD OUT! One of the peeps from that show 'Heroes' was around signing stuff. If it was Milo Ventimiglia AKA Jesse from Gilmore Girls, then I would've grabbed a Starbucks and a pen....for him to sign my ass with.
It wasn't Milo and I don't watch the show...soo it was Starbucks and Hell for me!

Hell for another week. Another week! I have to keep thinking of getting my hur did and this jacket I want to get...oh yeah and the money imma save...and the shoes imma buy. *le sigh*

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

The Place Where I Work: Done!

Never have I dreaded going to a TEMP assignment. I mean, its a temp assignment. Its like a 'fuck buddy', you don't get attached and its all good because it is what it is. Don't catch feelin's.
Hate this place though. Hate. It is chock-full with burping, rich republican dudes. Am done. Am counting the HOURS till it is over. Tuesday. Tried to get out of it earlier-yeah I did- but I am a professional.
Perhaps this is my own personal brand of karma because of all the HOTNESS and ass watching at the soccer place. Definitely no ass watching here- more like asshole observing.
Get to see a lot of nose picking. Crispin Long definitely has an Asian he only hangs with the Asian dudes in the office. He's weird. The Gang of Guys also blatantly stare at my boobs...and I don't have like...major tittays. Plus, I keep them 'corporate rated'. Ugh.
Besides looking forward to 4:45PM-yeah can't even make it to 5! I look forward to lunch. Where I roam high-end stores and dream. Also, I plot my fall look and make fun of tourists. Good times
....oh I stopped in H&M because I have to come back to REALITY-um, I missed the memo on thick THICK corduroy being back in. Like in the early 90's....every group wore Color Me Badd- who I've been thinking about lately. I aaaadooooore, miiii amore.....-woah.

Back to the dream though. All this dread and gloom got me to wondering. What if I packed it all away and moved to Buffalo. Worked at the Alrbight Knox Gallery. Got a nice house-would have tailgating parties (BILLS/SABERS). Would take dance classes and do local theater. Bump into a dude at Casino Niagara, he'd make me chuckle-he would become my hubby. We'd hang at the Galleria. I'd drop a seed. I'd write my book. Learn how to drive. Live the dream. *sigh*

So, yeah. Cannot wait to be DONE with this place. Wanna fun n' fancy-free again!!!!

Thursday, September 17, 2009

The Place Where I Work: Past Life Must've Been Wicked

You know its A DAY when you find yourself contemplating what you've done in a past life to be put through such tedium while waiting for a functioning (i.e. INTERNET capable)computer. Sure, I have NB (Nate Berkus) working with me...and he really is the best. Not just cuz he finds me amusing-which he does, most of the time I think he is laughing AT me though.
What we're doing could be interesting...if I were interested and were able to read the New York Times online!
Beginning to wonder if it REALLY is in my character to pole dance or date a rich douchebag so I can buy a lot of shoes...these are a few of the things I think about while I do what I do...eyes hurting from staring at a computer screen that isn't on Facebook...or staring at a TV screen that isn't on the channel showing my afternoon lineup of: Gilmore Girls, Tyra, and Bones.
I also wonder about Jon Secada. What happened to him? His face annoyed me and he was NO Chayanne, but his short blow-out do intrigued me. Also, he liked wearing vests with no shirts and holey jeans...a la Girado! (Rico Suave)...
Yeah, my brain goes THERE...
Then my eyes fall upon one of the Gang of Guys who keeps staring at me for some reason. Am disgusted with all them though. The burping. The idle chat...and I think they hate on NB-he doesn't like them either though. They might even be jealous of us because we are pretty cool and could give a fuck...though NB is NOT a temp.
Can't fully hate on the Gang of Guys though because they may be my ticket to Jimmy Fallon which will lead me to Saturday Night Live! and maybe Andy Samberg.... of the Guys just picks up the phone and calls Jimmy Fallon, and they chat. Like I would call you...or you...maybe even YOU!
Will investigate this.
Besides contemplating life and Fallon...and getting stared at...I find myself staring at CL (Cripsin Long). CL is *sniffle* Gmailing. Looking at Japanese graphic designs (his wife is Japanese). Eating homemade cookies out of his ziplock...and ...picking his nose. For like 40mins. Straight DIGGIN'. I get it, it happens...but 40mins?? With the cookies...and the Gmail?! Would never defy Gmail like that...oh when they hook me up with a better computer...oh HOW good I'll be to Gmail. So good.
Needless to say, I was DISGUSTED. CL is no longer one of my faves. A-Game and NB still are though.
This morning A-Game and I had good chats in the Rocketeria as she fixed herself some coffee and I had water.

...In other news, my hair has gone all soft n' wavy. I am like Irene Cara circa 'What A Feeling' FAME I believe....
...or I look like Rolph...or Ralph...the brown dog who was part of the Muppet's. Hmmm.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

The Place Where I Work: TV Life

There are many days I wish I had a camera following me because people wouldn't believe the things that REALLY happen to me- and that my life is like a dramedy...or a sitcom on cable because I like to curse and am perverted. The humor of a 15 year old boy I tells ya.
I am about to make a BIG reveal. We all know I keep all things anonymous in my work blogs, but I HAVE to reveal the area I'm working in so there is understanding, PLUS today's stories happened only because of the area.
Okay, without giving EXACT locales or the company I am working for- am working within or around the confines of Rockefeller Center.
There's me, and the Today show cast. Chillin'. Okay...I wasn't chillin'. Being the savvy professional I am, I gave myself a TON of time to get there and look for the all important Starbucks...and just in case I got lost. Which I did, but more on that later.
So, I find MY Starbucks and am impressed at how stress-less it is (no heroine nodders though:( ). Everyone was quick and pleasant...AND Travis McCoy (Gym Class Heroes, music group) works there!
No, THE REAL Travis doesn't work there (he should because the music thing? really??), but this dude looks a lot like him Piercings, crazy hair, height and ALL!
The morning is going RIGHT. I am EARLY and Travis n' the crew have hooked me up!
Once inside one of the buildings that make up Rockefeller Center...or Plaza...hmmm...anywho, I find a security guard who wrongly informs me of where I have to go. I then get whisked away by another guard who works with the Dr. Oz show...who thinks I am a guest! After a few moments things get cleared up and I bump into this music writer Toure`...I've read his stuff in Vibe mag and have seen him on TV whenever something significant happens with Black musicians.
He stops his conversation and says 'hi' to me. I say 'hi' back...and must recall if we've ever met before. I am racking my brain. Toure` is staring. I nod n' smile again-keeping it friendly just in case we have he is a cuteyyyyy.
Being ALMOST on the Dr. Oz show was only the beginning of my being lost saga, but eventually I found where I was supposed to go.
This is when I am greeted by the Trifecta. Nate Berkus (you know, Oprah's amazing design make-over dude AKA the dude I would totally 'fag hag' it out for!!)-well the dude looks like him, Joan Claytinez (she is the latina version of Joan Clayton, a character from the GREAT show Girlfriends) and Oh Her- she is just that girl you'll forget as soon as she walks away. The Trifecta gives me the lay of the land-including the...wait for it...Rocketeria. Yes, that would be what the cafeteria is called and yes it has EVERYTHING. Including A-Game, the lady who cleans the cafeteria and teaches life lessons. She immediately chats me up when I stumble into the Rocket like a lost lamb. A-Game is good people.
While showing me around Joan Claytinez mentions how she is going to steal my bag. I thank her for the compliment and through a smile say...nahhhh kid! Can't steal from BROOKLYNNNNNN!
Nate Berkus-not sure if THIS one is gay, but he did giggle a lot when Oh Her kept saying he was MY MAN! Nate and I are working together on this project. Not fun. He is cool and we vibe with sarcasm.
Nate was a nice distraction from me staring at the clock-which barely moved. Ugh. Luckily I also sit near the Gang of Guys and Crispin Long. The Gang of Guys...are a gang of...guys. Yeah, much like the soccer place-a lot of DUDES, BUT these dudes aren't hot which made the day seem slower. *le sigh* They also burp a lot. Out loud.
Now, Crispin Long is a close 3rd for being my favorite (A-Game then Nate). His name is a mix of Crispin Glover (the dude who screamed n' sniffed hair in the Charlies Angels remake...and he was in that rat movie) and Justin Long (the MAC guy who is bumping uglies with Drew Barrymore)-this guy looks like a mix of them. Very lanky, and could be creepy, but totally isn't. He has pics of his kids up and he's an executive assistant. I like that. He also snacks on a ziplock of homemade cookies. I like that too.
Crispin likes to read celeb gossip sites and troll obscure Japanese art sites. He also eats A LOT and is rail thin, which fascinates me.
Another character who may or may not be a regular because she seems nice, but stays in her simply Staten Island or SI. She is overly browned (not natural), has crunchy high hair, fake boobs and wears heels suitable for the OLD Westside Highway. HOW COULDN'T I *heart* her??

After lunch (where I ran into Travis McCoy outside smoking, he nodded and smiled)and going HOURS without internet-because I am trying to be a good temporary employee....and my connection was effed up for some reason, I sat there and REALLY thought to myself: who do I have to fuck around here to get some internet?
Enter TechSexy (think of it like Prince's album LoveSexy).
I met TechSexy briefly in the morning. There was a recognition of hotness on both accounts, but I am a professional!
Practically LOSE MY SHIT when TechSexy appears after my DEEP thought...holding a keyboard. He smiles a dimpled smile- OH, he is about 6ft, shaved head and the color of butterscotch...mmmmmm- and I stare at him wide eyed and try not to laugh...which of course causes him to give me a look that reads: I may have wanted to penetrate you before, but now...maybe just a fingerbang.
Hmmm. We shall see. Shall watch TechSexy from afar, yet be earnest with my NEED for internet!! Hopefully this won't equate with me being bent over a copy machine....

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

The 'irate' in Luxuriate.

These few days before I begin mutilating my soul in the corporate arena have been spent bettering my spirit. Preparing me for the raping n' pillaging that I'm about to endure-okay, it won't be that bad because we all know I'll make it entertaining. :)
I've been chillin', walkin' about, gallery hopping, drinking too much vodka, dancing till I'm sweaty and contemplating volunteer work.
Okay, there's nothing really to contemplate- I am going to volunteer my time with the children. I know. Me. Children. Kids love me though- I think its the fact that we can only speak truth- I wanna work with teenagers though. Instead of offering to punch them repeatedly, I figure it would be more beneficial to enrich them with positivity and guidance. Well, just being there.
All this searching for work and trying to make my dreams happen makes me feel soooo self-involved. All I, I,, me, me...all the damn time. That gets boring n' old after a bit.
Will let ya know how it goes for me...and if any teens get punched.

So, in between all these great moments...I knew I needed to take care of business i.e. renew my ID (yep, can't drive). This means heading to every one's favorite place...THE DMV!!! Since I am clever, I went to the DMV Express. In and out. I've done it before- pause.
It started out good. Even made plans with a friend to check out some fashion events and have coffee afterwards.
I go to the ticket counter. Fill out the form...decide to take another picture because I am not only vain, but I like to mark time. Compare old ID's.
I take the pic and get a number. As I am waiting I hear this amazing conversation, blindly at first:

Woman: ...I saw you look into her face.
Man: Who's face?
Woman: I saw that girl look into your face and you were looking into hers and then she went back to her friends and kept lookin' at you...
Man: What? She came and stood next to me and then went back to her friends, I wasn't lookin' in her face.
Woman: How would you know all that if you weren't all in her face...
Man: You need to stop being so insecure...
Woman: Insecure? Let me tell you something, I can get any man I want-young, old (at this point I had to turn to look at them...and yeah...they were definitely special...possible drug addicts or something). As a matter of fact I got hit on by someone today-
Man: Well good for you...[he lays his head on her shoulder]...I love you babe [muffled because of shoulder].

I thanked HOV for being around for these special moments....and I continued to wait.
My number gets called finally! YAY!!
I go all prepared. Gary- the dude at desk #10-tells me that this won't take long. Then it does take long. Then 'Cleo' AKA Queen Latifah's character in "Set It Off" comes over and they continue to take long. Gary and 'Cleo' both determine that I have to start the process all over! Forget what I read on the website. Forget me asking Gary WHY? WHY? WHY?-it doesn't make sense. 'Cleo' had the final say and says it doesn't matter what I heard (or read), shit goes on and I would have to come back and start ALL.OVER.AGAIN.
So much for all the luxuriating I did. Could use another drink or 3...but that would make me puffy and not on point for my first day. *sigh*

Monday, September 14, 2009

MTV VMA's 2009 Rundown

Have to admit, the true celebrity of the night was the city I call MINE-New York City!!! Love it and hate it, it's the major ingredient to why I am so amazing.:)
The MTV VMA's are known for being outlandish...yet I still could give a fuck-then Michael Jackson died and he basically carried the MTV video on his leather jacketed back so I knew they had to give him major props. I was definitely anticipating the tribute ESPECIALLY when I heard JANET was going to be part of it. AHHHHH!
Everything else would just be stuff for me to hate on or just feel a certain way about. So, here we rundown of the 2009 MTV Video Music Award AKA New York City we *heart* you and all wish we grew up here... HA!

- I usually NEVER watch the arrivals because I am not a starfucker and don't care, but 60mins went off and I figured 'WHY NOT?'-thankfully I did, yo! First Taylor Swift AKA T.Swift arrived Cinderella style with a horse n' carriage (begins singin' Mase n' Camron song in head...we're gonna riiiiiise to the top)- which was fitting because she was the damsel in distress of the night! Liked her dress. Alicia Keys looked good on the red carpet as well...then Cobra Starship arrived-am I supposed to care about them??...cuz I don't. Then them FAME kids rolled up. Um, I have no interest or gumption to see this remake (because new idea's are like originality, nobody has it). The original show was the SHIT and it MADE stars. From what I saw, none of them kids are gonna be stars...except in porn, low grade shit. Quite simply when it comes to FAME: no Leroy (RIP), no dice.
J-Lo arrived and looked great! Wow, I thought Marc Anthony AKA Skeletor would slowly be suckin' her soul from her they say cats do, and he would look younger, but that's not happening I guess.
Okay, so I have complained about Jermaine Jackson being greasy before, but now I need to understand why his hair looked plastic! Like 'ken doll' hair! WTF! How does he do that...and can I do the same when it rains? Hmmm.
The BEST part AKA the reason why I was meant to see the arrivals was for Beyonce`! We all know I strongly dislike her and she just keeps adding fuel to the fire. So, Julius her bodyguard was making sure shit was good...but WAS BLOCKING HER CAMERA and Miss Cameltoe got HEATED. She used a certain tone of voice and was all like 'get out of my way I need to be seen BITCH this weave n' wide gait isn't gonna show itself'-then flipped and went back to the B that all the people know n' love. Sweet voice and ethereal-basically fake ass!!!! Arrgh.

- The MJ tribute: Madonna's speech was quite touching. The dancing with the video's was pretty sweet. Then, JANET came out and did 'Scream' and I admit, I got a lil teary eyed (am so lame at times) was FANTASTIC!!! *sigh*

- I don't know who was prettier, Joe Perry or Katy Perry??!!! Russell Brand's opening was okay. I would say it was 'meh', but he has a British accent. OH and he brought up that DISGUSTING beetle Lil Wayne and how three tricks are preggers with his kid all at once! UGH!

- The house band idea was pretty cool. Have liked Wale` for minute and especially liked when Daniel Merriweather joined the band. It was cool seeing other groups sing their hits, though I would've thrown pernil at PITBULL! Ay, I will deport that dude! UGH!

- Quite clever MTV. Shakira AKA the She-Wolf and Taylor Lautner AKA Jacob AKA the Wolf in the Twlight series. There was awkward banter. They both looked good...and I was REALLY trying to like Shakira's hooker inspired- uh, thigh-high boots. More importantly they announced the winner for a category that both Beyonce` and Lady Gaga (the nights big nominee's) were in...I don't recall it, I don't care. All I know is Pink was nominated and I would've LOVED for her to win....OR Lady Gaga...Taylor Dane...ANYONE but Beyonce`.
Taylor Swift WINS!!!! OH SHIT! Who knew? I think the chick is a talented songwriter...and the video was aight, but...really...okay...then every ones favorite BITTER BITCH Kan-ye goes on stage and takes the mic out of T.Swift's hand and says that Beyonce should've won! WOW. Fucked up on many levels. Class-less. Hopefully, Kan-yeasty took his 'beard-ho' home and she put a strap-on on and pounded him to sleep...well that's what I'm gonna say happened because MTV didn't show him anymore.

- GreenDay wins an award for something. I was concerned with Billie Joe Armstrong's hair. WTF? It was like a gay koala attacked him and a blind chimp gave him highlights. Later they performed and turned the stage into a mosh pit-that was cool.

- OH SNAP! Two teen dreams got on stage and I don't know their names- this further proves that I am NOT a pedophile, nor am I as lame as I seem- the boy teen dream is some singer-I know this because I have turned from his video plenty of times...Usher is in it though...and the boy is pretty, hopefully he (Usher) can keep his cock to himself. Anywho, they were up there announcing T.Swift performing when the lil dude WENT AT Kanye!!! Loved it!
T.Swift then performed the song that I secretly like-I watch the video and sing along to myself hoping not even my cats can hear me! 'You belong with meeeeeeeeeeeeeee....'

- Lady Gaga. I was with her and enjoyed her performance until she had her period on stage!!!! WTF?!!! A cool performance...I deem...yeah.

- Britney Spears won over Lady Gaga AND Beyonce!!!! Like woah. Bloated crackwhores UNITE! You got this!

- Megan Fox wore a dress with hips.

- NEW MOON! OMG!! (does teenage squeal) The movie looks AMAZING!! SO much better than the first! I love that Dakota Fanning is in it because I think she is a great lil actress. AHHHHHHHH! I am on Team Cashmere! (on that team everybody wins because I get both Edward and Jacob!)

- Speaking of OMG!!! Am sure Ne-Yo was beside himself to be standing next to Chance...Chase...Cockswallower ...uh, Crawford from Gossip Girl. Just know he was squealing on the inside...and the out when he let Chase into his..'mancave'.

- Ah, geez. Beyonce performs. Same ole. Leotard. High heels. Big weave. Fan. Wide legged crotch rotation. Blah, blah, blah.
The glove wins though. Always.

- Kanyeasty kept getting booed whenever he was mentioned. LOVE the hate. Finally peeps are seeing what I always have...sure he's talented, but he is a bitch who needs to get punched the eff out sometimes. SOON y'all will see the truth about Beyonce!! SOOOOOON!

- Oh...Eminem and Tracey Morgan were doing these pre-recorded bits about getting Tracey Morgan on the VMA's to perform. I guess they were funny. I think they announced the viewers choice award, but I turned to HGTV Design Star!!! YAY Antonio won!!!- I have this thing with I know I would kick him repeatedly in the throat, but I kinda wanna bone him. He has crazy eyes and he is the king of bitch-assednes...I dunno...
Am so complex.

- Gerard Butler is announcing Muse. Gerard can get it sometimes too-after I boil him in clorox.
It makes me sad that the author of Twilight says that she was influenced by Muse's music. It makes me sad because I have liked Muse for a minute- this discovery almost makes it seem dirty to like them, but then again I sing along to Taylor what the heck do I know??

- WOW. Eminem won in the hip hop category. For real? As long as Asher Roth didn't win-I would've used Kid Cudi as a bat and beaten peeps to death a la my boo Eli Roth AKA The Bear Jew - wait did Em say daughters??? He has more than just Hayley?

- ....speaking of Kid Cudi he called himself paying DJ AM tribute. Whatever he was doing I'm sure made AM want another hit of crack...

- Aww Serena Williams AKA the habitual line stepper-OOOOO! She looked a bit draggish though...AGAIN, what do I know, she is boning Common. I'm not.

- PINK!!!!! Pink performs her song 'Sober' while being tossed about in the air. Showed great breath control. Great I just love Pink!

- Andy Samberg and Jimmy Fallon are announcing vid of the year. They were funny and I would probably have awkward crushes on both of them if I were around Beyonce` wins. Oh joy. I think the REAL winner was her sister Solange who looked GREAT!!! B earned like 2pts (added to her grand total of -1,000,002 [yeah that's a NEGATIVE]) for letting T.Swift get her shine on. It was mostly for business-let us not forget that Kanye is on Jigga's payroll, people...and mama needs a new leotard! was the right thing to do.

- I was HIGHLY ANTICIPATING the Jigga Cameltoe/Alicia Keys performance! LOVE the song!...the performance was cool and then Lil Bow Wow- I mean Lil Mama got on stage for some reason. Why? Really...why? She has no talent...I don't think she's from New performance though.

I guess that's that. The awards WERE pretty much meh...BUT New York City looked good. Lot's of love, and made me appreciate the city that had a hand in making me. someone go find Kanye, I think the strap-on is stuck!

OHHHHH and here's a line from the season finale of TrueBlood that pretty much says a lot: "You might have your faults Andy, but at least you've got pants on." (dude who said it had on nothing but boxers)

Friday, September 11, 2009

The Place Where I Work: For now....

All good things must come to an end. Sad, but a consistent part of life.
This is how I felt as I left the soccer place the other day. Rarely do I work in a place where there are so many HOT men. Hot men help the day go by...and almost make me feel uneasy about actually getting PAID to flirt-I mean, do whatever it is I do.
Next week I start a long term assignment in a very corporate, polished environment. This means a lot of money, but slowly kills your soul. Oh well, I am working near...or in...or around Rockefeller Center (a lady never tells). This means most of my time will be spent looking to lunch with Lorne Michaels or some other TV big-wig so that I can get this SHOW-the show of my life-on TV. Perhaps hook-up my other peeps...or just become bff's with Tina Fey. Most likely I'll run into Dr. OZ and he'll inquire about my colon health. Then I'll do my smashing Oprah impersonation (tiny marbles!!!) and he'll want me to be his sidekick on his show.
Ah, the life.

Must put away my professional sexy work gear...and throw on some slack's n' twinsets. Please don't let me run into any of my 'soccer boys' in the streets! Dracul will fly into a rage if he sees my shine dimmed.
I didn't think about this till now, but that grey coffin-like thing that The Matador moved could've been Dracul's resting place. I mean, it was by my desk...and The Matador seems like the perfect day-time servant. Hmmm.
Anywho, like clockwork, Dracul...rose. He was pleasant and asked if I was joining everyone at the soccer game after work. I let him know that I didn't work here (there...anywhere) and therefore I don't get to go to games.
He did the throaty chuckle and eyed my Future Ex as he said goodnight/goodbye to me. I think Future Ex's voice cracked and he pretty much ran to the elevator. I guess if Dracul isn't trying to seduce you...he can be scary. The Matador came to let him know they were ready to go, Dracul said he was sad that I couldn't go-I told him he'd get over it. He almost kissed my hand, but just bowed. Then he and The Matador left.
I plan to write a vampire story about this dude. Insanity.
As I shut down my computer Justin Fingerbang came by to see about an Argentina game...or Italian game...something. He starts laughing. I look at him and he nods over to Vespa-he would be the Colombian dude I thought was Italian at first-who is peering me through frosted glass doors (sound familiar). I shake my head and grab my purse. Justin Fingerbang mentions my popularity, I say only in offices-in real life that dude wouldn't LOOK at me. He laughs some more and says he doubts it. I tell JF that he is a cool guy and then I leave...after taking one last look at his hotness. Like taking the last sip of French hot cocoa, it made me wistful.

Anyways, I have a few days to luxuriate before I start the corporate stretch. Today, I was supposed to be out and about, but rainy days are best to sleep in and I've been all caught up remembering what went down 8 years ago today.
Will enjoy these in between days and focus on my writing self-the one close to the heart before I become the self that has bills to pay. The one that shall hopefully find more man meat- mens to pass the day...

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

The Place Where I Work: Near Death and Ass Play

Oh where to begin.
Let me start with last night as I was leaving. This is when Dracul (pronounced Drack-kool) introduced himself to me. Dude, literally appeared beside me as I waited for the elevator to come. I was contemplating my walk to Soho-to window shop and cry. Also, contemplated a trip to the Atlantic Center because there is a Target there and when I can't buy anything at a fancy boutique, I buy things at Target and that makes me happy.:)
So, I am waiting for the elevator deep in thought when I hear: You're new.
His voice is deep, and I turn to look into some engaging green eyes. Dracul isn't as hot as some of the dudes here, but he has that 'Bill Clinton' charisma thing where after some wine and conversation you consider neckin' with him.
Dracul then slowly holds out his hand to shake mine, his green eyes never leaving my brown ones. A smile on his lips.
I introduce myself, he introduces himself and then asks how my day went. I tell him it was lively. He chuckles, taking me in...and then stepping aside so that I could get on the elevator. Once the doors close, he says something about the fall and I chuckle and say something back. Then silence. I am so bad with small talk, I welcome this silence.
I glance at my cellphone. Check out my watch necklace. Adjust my scarf- am all about layering my summer clothes with scarves till I truly believe summer is OVER-or when I decide to pull the fall gear out.
For some reason I feel massively uncomfortable. My Brooklyn Eyes are in effect. I turn to look at Dracul right before the elevator doors open. He was staring at me the whole time. With those eyes and that smile. Eyeing my neck. One would think I'd be aroused with the prospect of a vampire-especially one so powerful-but I was more frightened especially when he said goodnight and did this throaty laugh.
My suspicions about his blood drinking were piqued since I don't see him AT ALL during the day, but once its time to go home he appears. Hmmm...shall see what happens tonight when I leave.

So, I walk to and through Soho last night and really should have gone to Target, but was too busy almost dying on the train. See, I am really allergic to oranges. I know, strange, but I am. If I am even near one, I get this tingle in my throat, my face gets hot and I start breaking out in 'meth head' scars. No fun. A guy decided to eat 2 oranges on the train last night. The first woke me from my slumber because I couldn't breathe and the second I was able to fan myself, but felt too ill/weak/weird to get off the train and by the time I summoned the strength to kick the dude, he was finished and I was at my home stop. I call last nights train ride 'DEATH TRAIN'...all I needed was Dracul on the train and my life moments would've been numbered for REAL!

This morning, I still felt like ass, but decided that looking cute and having a good attitude would be the way to go.
I was greeted by this chick I call Lumpy-yeah there are chicks who work here, but who has time for them when there are all these DUDES!!! (twirls as guys in shorts dance around me) Lumpy wasn't here yesterday, but she is here today and she STILL doesn't like me. She didn't like me when I worked here before, and its good to see that she is consistent. I call her Lumpy because she wears clothes that don't fit her right, therefore causing lumps. Not curves. Lumps. It also isn't my fault, that I too am not a skinny chick-more soft n' curvy- yet I find that I am sexy and can wear clothes that fit.
Barely have the energy to smirk at Lumpy-then The Matador saunters near. The Matador is about 6'2". The color of cafe' mocha, with curly black hair (its just the way he looks at me that gentle loving stare-sorry, just broke out in Ce Ce Peniston) and an ass that is in a perma-fight with his trousers and NOT in a bad way. He moves elegantly. He speaks with a THICK Spanish accent-and yeah I basically swoon when I see him. There is this large coffin-like box in my area. He comes by to move it to his area. As he tries to see how to go about doing this, he says: Think I can roll this around the place?
I hear: Do you wanna roll with me around this place?
I begin to giggle and say: I don't know.
He looks at me weird and rolls the coffin away. Ever since then, he looks at me with disdain-this only makes me want him MORE!
This also begins my day of awkward conversational moments.

There's this young dude-like I think he is still in college- I call him my Future Ex Boyfriend. I call him this because I want to bang him out and maybe share french fries, but that shit won't last.
Future Ex comes by my desk, avoiding eye contact, and is just really shifty. This could be from a large intake of pop-rocks or trying to hide his erection. I am thinking erection because I have seen the behavior before and am used to it- tis the woes of being sexy. :P
Future Ex asks me about myself. What I do-temp and drink coffee. Where I'm from-my moms. What I like to do when I am not temping and drinking coffee-lure young men to my bed. We chat, but his nervousness is making ME nervous, and thankfully his arch nemesis Justin Fingerbang has summoned him-keeping him from me.
Now Justin Fingerbang and I go wayyyy back to when I worked here before. He and I like to go to beaches on Long Island- I was hoping I would bump into him in trunks. JF is HOT. He is a douchier version of Justin Timberlake and thanks to B (she is my friend who writes the Post-Its From The Underground blog you see on the side of my page) deeming him a porn star, I named him Justin Fingerbang.
In fact, just as I finished reading and laughing at the email that B sent me saying how she thinks JF turns tricks on camera...JF strolls up to my desk. He asks if I know how to change the TV channel- okay, I know I fit in and seem like I know what's going on, but I DON'T WORK HERE and YES part of my job is watching soccer ALL DAY. ALL DAY! I get paid! YES!- I tell JF I have no idea how to change the channel and ask him why he wants it changed. He says there's been a penile enlargement commercial on for 20 mins.
I laugh and shift uncomfortably. He smirks and walks away.
Of course now I want JF in the worse way. He keeps coming by my desk for no reason and saying random shit to me-which is cool, but I am about to blurt out: Justin Fingerbang!
Luckily, for him, I am now on HIGH ALERT and have no time for ass play because Dracul will be rising....

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

The Place Where I Work: I *heart* dudes.

I really do...*heart* dudes. So much so, I was recently on the 1 train with 2 friends and proclaimed: I could never be a lesbian because I *heart* dudes!!
At the time there was this gorgeous guy who kept penetrating me...with his stare. He had the most lovely almond shaped brown eyes, milk chocolate skin, full lips and neat long locks. Mmm mmm.
I soon forgot about him because as I rode the Q train home there was this other hot dude...and so the story goes.
This doesn't make me one big walking hormone, nor do I center my world around the pursuit of dudes, but BOY do I love to look. My friends would say that is ALL I do. Talk a good game and look. Pretty harmless.
I am a self-proclaimed 'mind whore'- meaning I've slept with HUNDREDS of my head. It's better that way.
Monogamy is no problem for me because I just like to look. Am respectful with it, and enjoy hanging with fellow femme's who just appreciate the male form.
Its the most delicious cherry on top when these dudes open their mouths and have something interesting to say...but I never expect much. Its like waiting to see unicorns running on rainbows, have to keep the hopes simple.
This may all seem shallow, and most of the time it is, but if I am just looking and not pursuing dudes based solely on their appearance...then is it really shallow? I know and understand that true beauty comes from within-but everything doesn't have to be soooooo deep.

This all brings me to the place I am working at for the next few days. I've worked here before-let's say they deal in the sport of soccer (which I naturally equate with soccer thighs which make me smile for no reason). When I first worked here I was 'slidin' off my chair'(female equivalent to a semi) on the regs. Hot dudes in suits. International. With accents. Guys who change from their suits to soccer cleats to play after work. Guys who understand the beauty of cashmere, but can discuss sports and great burger spots.
They make my heart pitter-patter. They make me pleased I am a WOMAN!
Once I leave, I totally forget all of them because there's always another hot dude just a block away in NYC....

I wanted to discuss more than just my love of all things dudes-even when I hate them...mmm I *heart* them....more importantly let's talk about my day.
Nothing too eventful. Just me and some hot dudes, who all seemed to have missed me. I missed them too. There are discussions as to why I never attended a happy hour-because if you give me some Patron somebody (me) is gonna say or do things they'll regret which may result in sweaty indulgences and awkward run-ins in the kitchen area.
I understand my weakness.
So working here is another breeze. I go to lunch, again meeting up with peeps that work in the hood. The hood that is rather close to where I worked a week ago. You remember, the medical investment company that I wanted to know nothing about.
The place where I met the man who will one day de-bone me and then make sweet love to my skin AKA MIT. I'm walking to meet up with my lunchtime peeps. Checking time. Checking hair because it keeps getting bigger. When a male person uses his body to stop me. I look up-wanna look into the eyes of the dude who's shiny loafers were about to get STOMPED on- my mouth falls open, my eyes go wide. It's MIT!! He and The Dude are on their way to lunch!!! I say:hey yyyy yyyy (it gets all broken up with a mix of awkwardness and surprise) and he says: hey you! The Dude says hi! I explain that I had to run, but it was GREAT running into them. I then scamper off forgetting to tell them to say hi to everyone. I was so put-off. I mean, yeah they work in the area, but who would've thunk??!!!
I then come back from lunch and have a pleasantly awkward convo with the The Leer or The Linger....forgot the name I gave this rather sexy Italian dude by way of London. Maybe when I was here the last time he mentioned we should 'get together' and maybe I mumbled something about a soccer game and derailed him thinking I would have a job by now and never come back. WRONG. Luckily, he's nice, can hold a great conversation and is easy on the eyes. Yes, he mentioned definitely getting together...and he is wearing a fitted suit with skinny tie.
Must resist.
...until tomorrow at least.

Sunday, September 6, 2009

Some Things I Learned This Summer by Me

1) Dear Mosquito’s,
You win.

Honey T

2) How to drink whiskey thanks to Jennifer D. (topshelf tastes), and countless others who drove me to it.

3) No excuses. Show n’ prove.

4) I don’t have to drink (Patron) to have a good time-no, no. Already knew this, but being broke mostly, helped to reinforce this and strengthen my LOVELY personality skills.

5) Um, Lady Gaga is worthy of a swift kick to the throat (3 times), but I own her CD. Yeah.

6) Dudes don’t *heart* me.

7) My peeps *heart* me.

8) I *heart* dudes.

9) Having no money/stable job doesn’t mean your summer has to suck!! Don’t get me wrong, the summer was TOUGH, but it wasn’t a total waste. Just proves good people and a fighting spirit goes a LONG way.

10) Drake-the new rapper, part of Lil Wayne’s band of semen guzzlers AKA Young Money or whatnot-is OVERRATED. Not just overrated, he SUCKS. He has no charisma. No…hutzspah (sp). I tried to rally for him-him being light skinned n’ all-but no dice. He is wack…and that is, just the way it is.

11) Reality shows have gotten…meh. Well the ones I used to enjoy watching. Top Chef= meh, will keep as background noise as I research quirky news stories. Real Housewives of Atlanta= meh, will watch for Dwight! Project Runway= double meh, stopped watching.

12) When I was younger I was considered a people person, have realized I don’t like people and am becoming more n’ more anti-social.

13) Shit is real. Really real.

14) Priceless- friends, new and old…makes a schmuck like myself feel like I am doing SOMETHING right.

15) My bro is growing up. Aww, I changed his diapers…well once.

16) Brunches are forever.

17) I get in my own way. Be prepared, I am coming out guns blazing!

18) My hair is the most gangsta bitch I know. Does what it wants, when it wants and is all like boo yaa, bitch!!

19) Maxwell, always n’ forever.

Am sure I learned some more, but can’t remember due to vodka intake.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Sweet Dreams Are Made of These...

So, the dream started with someone challenging me to a race. This had to be a dream because in reality, anyone who knows me, knows I don't run unless I am being chased (or for a train and I am running late or if haagen daz is about to close).
Even with it being a dream...I never back down from a challenge, so I said: hells yeah!! ....and we began to race. The 2 person race turned into a 4 person race. I ran like a experienced runner-pacing myself in the beginning. Saving my strength for the final stretch. I only know anything about long distance running from my friends who do it (in real life).
The race took place at night. It was misty, the air was crisp-felt kinda perfect. Also, I was winning. Finally I noticed who I was racing against...but I couldn't really see them. They were people, and elbows were being thrown, but I couldn't see faces. Just as I crossed the finish line-there was a yellow line and I crossed it- my phone real life.
I pick it up and its my agency. Seems they got info wrong. I was supposed to work today and next week-blah blah blah...all I know, I was able to go back to sleep after being thoroughly stank with whomever called me. I laid back down trying to figure out what the dream meant. Mostly, I was trying to deal with the fact that I ran an actual race...and won! Almost became breathless in real life.
Then I was back in a deep sleep-I mean, I could have gotten up and started my day...but that would've entailed me getting out of bed!
My next dream seemed like a Guy Ritchie film. Think Snatch or Lock, Stock & Two Smokin' Barrels....I knew I was in the UK. Could tell by every one's style of dress and accents. I was immersed in helping my friend find someone. The person who was my friend in the dream-I don't know in real life. The person we were looking for...was my crush in real life. Woah.
We found the person after much hijinks's and I acted all nonchalant. My friend (in the dream) says we found him and I am all like:so.
Much like how I would be real life. All aloof n' standoffish-don't understand why this doesn't come across as: OMG! I like you soooo much! ...and then end up with us sweaty n' nude?? Hmm.
Anyways, found person/crush gets all annoyed and disappears again. Then I woke up because the hedges were being clipped outside. The sound of automatic hedge trimmers always put me on high alert. Must always check that there is no oddly large dude standing above me with a meat mask of some sort.
....what does it all mean? Shall reflect on these dreams and see what I come up with. Off the bat, I think it has something to do me stepping my game up and going for mine in more ways than one.

Private Funding. Do It.

Though I have spent the greater part of this summer unemployed-which wouldn't be a problem if money grew on tree's or if I had a sugar daddy, but sadly this isn't the case.
With all this free time I have tried to better myself with writing classes, publishing courses, hanging in various book stores, art explorations, beach treks, recipe testing, neighborhood explorations, wishing I was in foreign lands and then just eating foreign food, dude-watching and sleeping for REAL.
When I do work, its pleasant enough, but its these odd times in between....when I start to look around the room n' wonder: WHAT.THE.FUCK?
I mean, I went to college. Got a degree. Didn't go into said field, nor do I plan on going back to school. Was seconds from going to culinary school, but realized that I still owed money for my undergrad ....and could have been making a shit-ton of money in said field (I got degree in) therefore being in okay standing with loan payments...and having a grand ole time in culinary school...
Would've opened my own bed n' breakfast in a quaint 3 story house located near a babbling brook and a town filled everyone who knows your name. I would be the in house chef, wearing kitten-heels and a sophisticated apron. I would have my second-in-command take over on Saturday afternoons as I shopped at farmers markets and grocery stores procuring our menu for the week. Have no idea what I would name my bed n' breakfast, just know that it would be quaint n' homey...and that all fights would be solved with dance battles.
So, I spend a lot of my in between time either drinking, sleeping or thinking myself a failure. What am I doing? Why do I feel like I am moving forward so slow that its like I am not moving at all? I have friends who are doing great things or on the verge of doing great things...and I feel like I am just talking about doing great things...
This could all be because I woke up at 11AM today wondered: what shall I do today? Laundry-nope. Re-organizing-nah. Write-maybe. Go to bookstore, drink coffee and then meet up with peeps at trendy Vietnamese spot-hells yes.
Wait...this isn't so bad. Now, if I can only find someone to FUND this lifestyle. I am firm a believer in hard work-and I am doing that, but a chick likes to luxuriate too. Its not like I want it to be some dude supporting me because that would entail dealing with that dude on a daily basis or something.
Just want someone to anonymously fund me...just cuz.

When I am working again next week, I will feel slightly accomplished...less loser-ly. I will still be seeking that private fund-er though- ooo now I am singing Tina Turner's classic 'Private Dancer' in my head. Good stuff.