Saturday, December 31, 2011

More or Less in 2012





Oh 2011 you flip floppy bitch!
A year of interesting palindromes and changes. A roller-coaster year. I can't say I am sad to see it go, but then again I have seen so much growth within myself and people around me, but then there's been the hard shit.
Have to say, the hard shit might be okay because it keeps one from being a shallow, lack of substance twat like most people nowadays.
All about the superficial, the cool and taking no accountability for their actions.

Anywho, this is my list of what I wanna see more of and less of in 2012...

More of the awesome!

Less of the lame.

More good times!

Less death of peeps like Heavy D, Patrice O'Neal and Amy Winehouse....though there won't be much from that because they have died already though. Hmm.

More awesome TV show about vampire zombies children who at war with the werewolves on an abandoned island run by ninja robots!!


Pretty much it's like Ru says. We are living like honey badgers and honey badgers don't give a shit! Not in that inconsiderate way, more of either you're with it or you're not. We taking what's ours and if you're being an asshole, you're gonna get left in the dust!!

2012!!!!!!

Monday, December 26, 2011

Good Things I Have Put In My Mouth Lately: Alchemy



There are days when you go out for a nice lunch that turns into amazing conversations, drinks and many desserts.
This happened one Saturday when I went to meet up with LBee and Emily at Alchemy (Park Slope, Brooklyn). I've heard they make some great brussel sprouts- which I am suddenly into. We started with the brussel sprouts, then I had a turkey burger and then we ordered 3 desserts. All were delicious, but the thing that made my heart flutter and perhaps made we tell one too many unflattering stories about myself because I had two...had to be the dark and stormy's.
They were just extra gingery goodness! Smooth with a bite (kinda like me).

Alchemy has some good chill vibes and not a lot of people of color-if you're into that sort of thing. Maybe the nighttime scene is different, but I have a feeling this is a spot for Black chicks to hit on White dudes with their iPads, flannels and beards. This means I will go back in the Spring to prepare me for White Boy Summer!
For the Winter though, I'll go back for them dark & stormy's!

Monday, December 19, 2011

As The Online Dating World Turns: The Killer vs The Wordsmith

Yeah folks, I am still online. I wouldn't exactly call it dating, it is more like keeping myself entertained.
With online dating, it is all about the opening email and then the subsequent exchange. Eventually that grows into a date and hopefully not your body cut into tidbits and put into lil baggies and then scattered about Prospect Park. These two guys are examples about how you don't get to find out what 'cashmere' is allll about...or at least not get a snarky message from me.

The Killer

This dude started with the usual: you're hot and I want to get to know you better.
I am all like: okay. Then I check out his profile. He was coming with the same dick poetry in his summaries about himself. Basically saying all the things he thinks women wanna hear like: I'll eat you out endlessly.
The only thing was...his pic. His ONE pic. It was of him far away. His face in profile...that was kind of blurred.
So I asked him what he planned to do with my body after he killed me. I thought that was a VALID question.
He laughed...well lol'd and wondered why I would ever think that.
I let him know that I am perceptive and can just tell. He then explained that I had a one track mind and that he still thinks I am swell.
I ended it with a: THANKS KILLA!

The Wordsmith

Since I don't have ass shots and my summary about myself reflects me and my awesomeness. Showcasing my sense of humor and ability to put sentences together. This attracts the dude who wants to SHOW me. I haven't figured out what though. So, this dude messages me responding to various things I wrote in my profile- he copied and pastes shit, yo!
After reading the email a few times, in his over worded way he was trying to be funny by being snarky and commenting on my shit...but also wanted to let me know he'd like to place himself gently inside of me.
I asked if he was trying to just offend me or was some charm thrown into that?
He let me know in another long email about- well I don't know what it was about because I stopped reading it half-way through.
Listen, I enjoy a well written anything that shows a persons personality...but not if you insist upon yourself (stole that one from Harry who says that a lot about people and art). I don't think I am the wordiest, wittiest bitch out there so don't try to impress me with some bullshit that just makes me delete you and then blog about your wack ass.

Saturday, December 17, 2011

And Then I Took My Earrings Off!




I don't pretend to be some gangsta bitch-mostly because I am vain and would rather spend hours in Sephora deciding what blue eyeliner works best with my chocolate brown eyes.
This doesn't mean that if/when people get out of line with me that I won't proceed to: attempt to punch them in the throat, tell them in explicit details about themselves, kick them in the shins, tell them about themselves in explicit details while kicking and punching them.
Then there are the times I get real BROOKLYN on dat assssssss. Something comes over me and my true "blackness" comes out. It is a time when I stop being (ethnically) ambiguous and things start getting real!

So last night I was at a friends birthday party at a bar in Brooklyn. Things were chill and times were good...but then a bitch always has to show up and be ruiner of good times.
This butta-faced twat looked down on Brooklyn (she lives in the Bronx)and insulted my friends because she is a horrible person and an unattractive cunt. Then I realized that when she was calling Brooklyn ghetto (we were on friggin' 4th ave and Sackett street!!!! which to those who don't know is about as ghetto as a darkened Apple store)she was looking at me dead in my eyes! That bitch!
Luckily for her I was 'locked in' in a booth so I couldn't get out and let my foot have access to her ass.
My BROOKLYN came out...and there was neck twisting, finger snapping- Harry (everyones favorite Jewish gay hater) said it was like watching a Tyler Perry movie. Things got serious when I took my earrings off!!
I had on mini door knocker earrings which made me EXTREMELY Brooklyn! Ahh!! I took them off and mentioned kicking her ass up and down 4th avenue. Admittedly I had a lot of vodka last night.

It was very entertaining seeing-well hearing that part of myself. The moral of the story though, is that bitches like that need to get punched or they will continue with their bitchery...and when the earrings come off shit will forever be really real!

Sunday, December 11, 2011

The Place Where I Work:...And That's How It's Done

This will be a profound tale of GOOD vs. EVIL!

We know I haven't been writing about work simply because it became my job! Like with temping there was a new adventure EVERYDAY, at the job...it's dry vagina's ALL the time.
The doc I work for specializes in helping men and women feel great, youthful, helping with weight, some psychology shit...but mostly it's about women trying to keep their vaginas moist.
Sure it's more than that but this is me and how I condense things down to the meat n' potatoes.
Anywho, this not about DRY VAGINAS this is about GOOD Vs. EVIL!!!!!!!!!!!
Remember Ruddy Kors? He was the WORST. He couldn't write a sentence even if it was written on a dick and mostly used his computer to search gay dating sites and porn. He slept at work- we have this couch and he would use it to nap during the day.
This was all when the doc wasn't around. When she was, he play pretended like he did shit. Mostly sitting on the phone or taking credit for work someone else did. To make himself look better he would then take credit AND THEN throw that person under the bus by lying on them.
It was INCREDIBLE!
Imagine going to work everyday with this person and feeling like you can't say anything because you don't want to run screaming into the doc you respects office: FUCK! FUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCKKKK ! HATE HIM!!!!!! AHHHHH!!
That wouldn't get you too far. Might even get you fired.
You begin to dread work. Dread so much you need a mental health day which really means you want to kill someone in your office and need to send out some resumes.

Suddenly though. Things fall into place. Timing is really EVERYTHING. The doc began seeing things for herself and then one by one we soldiers of GOOD sat with her and explained just how horrible Ruddy Kors is.
After asking us WHY we waited so long to let her know, she thought on it and a day later she terminated Ruddy Kors.
Like the end. Good bye. Peace bitch!

In all my years of working in office environments, EVIL has always won. Always. To see Good win, was like nothing I have ever seen or felt.
My entire being feels different.
I AM USING TERMS LIKE: MY ENTIRE BEING.

I feel like a new woman and like dreams can come true! I feel brand new. I feel like myself again...this means the best bitch you know is BACK!

Act accordingly.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

My Recap of Breaking Dawn AKA Busted Bleeding Vag



Where to begin? Probably with my reasoning for seeing this feat of imagination and Mormon fuckery.
The answer is simple- I have read all of the books and have seen all of the movies up until now. Not because I am a Twi-hard, it is because the films (like the books) are ridiculously entertaining. The movies are made more entertaining by me and my peeps remarks while seeing the film- I know you're thinking 'well you're Black so OF COURSE you talk during the movie' and to that I say a festive: FUCK YOU!!

I have to say, if you haven't read the books: DO NOT SEE THIS MOVIE because the utter ridiculousness of it all will be unfathomable.

-The film begins with the usual Bella spouting poetry n' some shit- basically Stephanie Meyer trying seem like she has some kind credibility. DO NOT get me started on Meyer as a writer. It involves a lot of curse words and fists flailing.
So they're preparing for the nuptials of 18 year old Bella Swan and 100 something Edward cullen. All I know is that EVERYONE in the film got a fuckin' makeover. Their gear is tight. Hair is all swell. Even the makeup-except the vamps. This leads to my BIGGEST gripe- like how do people stand around these ill complexioned vampires with WEIRD eyes and NOT notice that they ARE VAMPIRES????
Then again I am watching a film about some vamps and werewolves...and demon babies!

-Edward and Bella get married. She was nervous because I mean...she's marrying a fucking vampire who won't even fingerbang her because of her 'virtue'??!! (MORMONS) This ain't TrueBlood, bitches.
Now this whole time Jacob has been a werewolf because he's pissed about Bella getting married- because of course every dude within a 2 mile radius enjoys her awkward stuttering dickiness.
Jacob shows up at the reception making Bella very pleased...then Jacob gets all up in her bizness and finds out she going to be slidin' down (and around) Edwards cold, hard Depression wang.
Jacobs angrily yells: "You're going to KILL HER" and I said so eloquently: "With his dick."

-HONEYMOON TIME! This is basically why anyone paid any money for this film. E&B hit up Brazil and go to their own private island-which is something I want. An island all to myself where I can writhe around nekked n' shit. It will be called the Isle of Cock.
Anyways, THEY BANG. The bed gets BROKE.DOWN. We saw no wang or vag- kinda like Immortals. I paid SEVENTEEN DOLLARS for some 3D COCKLESS film. Sure, Henry Cavill and Luke Evans are bangable-BUT COME ON!
....I did not expect French styled fornication in this film-and then of course because this is based on a book written talentless MORMON- Edward didn't wanna touch Bella again because she was bruised from their initial interspecies love. Them bruises just look like the spoils of war...or some goooooooooooooood deep dickin' which was exactly what Bella needed because she became slightly less annoying.

-Bella GETS PREGNANT after having sex twice and Edward was all like: fuck whatever is inside you. ABORTION!! (woah...MORMON??)
Bella is like: nah boo. I am dropping your seed.
Then they go back to Forks and then Jacob N' His Wolf Pack find out that Bella is having DemonChild 2011!!!
Jacob gets PISSED.
My thing is, when are we just gonna say Jacob is Bella's gay bestie (which every girl needs!). That dude has that look of cock love in his eyes.
...so the baby is KILLING Bella because it is DemonChild 2011!!! Then Bella drank blood and all was well. Yeah, she hasn't turned into a vamp...it's just what DemonChild 2011 WANTSSSSS!

-Now, I was worried about the whole birth scene because supposedly people have DIED watching it.
I didn't die, and BrooklynKat even said it was tastefully done. They put some type of cherry colored cottage cheese on the baby and then was just a lil blood around Bella covered vag area.
But OH NO, right after seeing her baby named-a girl- Renessme....Bella dies!! Edward pumps vampire venom (not with his cock)into her and bites the shit out of her.
Jacob freaks the fuck out and cries a lot. Then his Wolfpack finds out Bella is dead and DemonChild 2011 is ALIVE!
OHHH WAIT....I forgot a very important scene where I mouthed:this is the best movie ever!- so the wolves were in wolf form and talking to each other WITH THEIR MINDS!!! It sounded like an episode of Voltron with WOLVES!!!
So there's a BIG wolf/vamp fight, but while this is going on Jacob is going to kill DemonChild 2011!! Then he looks into the babies eyes...which were oddly cg'd and kinda creepy and he see's her grow up and he's all wolfy and IN LOVE with her.
He imprinted.
He also came in his pants because he was REALLY thinking of Edwards cold hard shaft nestling in his wolfy fur.
What is imprinting? It's when a wolf dude sees a chick and is intensely smitten. It is their soul mate.
Creepster bullshit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Jacob stops the fight by telling all of them that he will eventually fuck DemonCH-Renessme so they needs to step off! The Wolf Pack does...and then we have to go back to caring about Bella becoming a vampire.

She opens her red new born vamp eyes...and the movies ENDS.

-As much as this film saga is the WORST THING EVER, it is highly entertaining and made better by perverse comments and truly suspending your taste levels. You should also never watch these movies hungry. BrooklynKat and I ate some great diner food pre-movie.
This was ONLY PART 1!!!!!!!!! Ah cannot wait for PART 2!!

Sunday, November 27, 2011

As The Online Dating World Turns: Acceptance

I sit here full of good cheer and oyster stuffing, and feeling rather reflective. A month ago I decided to sign back onto online dating because...why not?
We know my reasoning involves: me sharing my fabulousness with someone deserving and special, answering the age old question of why I am single, putting myself out there because I'd rather not, AND excellent blogging material.
This time would be different and less 'ride or die' because I have accepted that I may never marry or have kids and that is OKAY. NOT everyone is meant to do it and it won't make my life any less fulfilling- I am NOT saying that I don't want these things, but I just won't beat myself up about it or feel a certain way.
I'll allow others to feel a certain way, and they will, and I will choose not to give a fuck.

In any case, I am back online. Of course, the first week I am bamboozled by weirdos, maybe 1 guy with potential. We emailed a few times and then nothing. I figured he has seen my amazing personality and my...um, BEAUTY...so he should suggest a hang out or something.
Very traditional for me, I know, but I am feeling lazy and just like...whatevs. Plus, let him ask...he'll feel better about it.
So this became a trend. Dudes and I just writing..or saying a few choice things- that's if I responded. You see, I learned to NOT respond if the dude was creepy, disgusting or seemed like he dipped his shaved ballsac in Aramis cologne.
Not responding will keep me from shutting down my account and therefore having my friends look at me with knowing looks- knowing that I should maybe turn to an aggressive lesbot.
Then I started getting messages from dudes who were like: I know you wouldn't be into me, but I had to write you anyway because you seem great and are so good looking.
Really?! That is not attractive! Also, you won't make me question my shallowness or prove that I am some great person by chatting with you.
Let's be real- I am a profound asshole, a great person, but an asshole with nothing to prove! So no, I will not message you back out of sympathy. Fuck it. I have no time for bitches!

As you can see, this will be a very interesting winter.

Monday, November 14, 2011

Conversations with Ice: Occupy My Vagina





So Ice T (my friend in my head) and I decide to go check out Occupy Wall Street-the smells, the people, the movement. Mostly we went to point and laugh...and have Ice play-pretend he's (Detective) Finn and try to arrest peeps.
After chit chatting with Russell Simmons- who was scouting for some unseen talent i.e. model looking females, and grabbing croissant sandwiches at Au Bon Pain with Kanye Wes, Ice then came up with an idea...


Ice T: T...stop mumbling 'hippie' and kicking at people- I wanna propose something-

Me: Woah, Ice...aren't you 'n Coco like 20 years strong?

Ice T: Calm down, homewrecker. I wanna propose something for you and your underused, overly promoted vagina-

Me: Dayum Ice, why you thinkin' about my pooonaaaniii?

Ice T: Please don't ever say that word again. Listen, I am just looking out for a friend-I mean look at this Occupy Wall Street thing. Bunch of people not really saying or doing anything, just hanging around. Maybe marching....basically a bunch of white people trying to bring the 60's back-

Me: Like sexy back?

Ice T: See, this is what I mean- you have that white appeal...and your moist vaginal years are few n' far between-

Me: Now you never say 'vaginal' again!

Ice T:
What I'm saying is we start a movement- we Occupy Your Vagina. I think you're worth protests-

Me: Wait...so you want various people sleeping in...my...vagina?

Ice T: I'm just saying you should have a vagina movement.

Me: So...my vag is like the 1%...which is true-

Ice T: Shit, this is going to get complicated.

Me: It IS complicated hence why my vag is unoccupied. (we hi-5)

Ice T: Nice one.

Me: Thanks for thinking about me and sugar walls, but I think it's going to be okay.

Ice T: There's always, Kanye...

Me: Well when my vagina turns into a dick, then yes, there is always Kanye! (we hi-5 again)

Ice T: You're on fire- and one day your vagina will be-

Me: Damn Ice. Way to ruin a moment.

Ice T: I think I said vagina too much. Let's stop and go tell Kanye how great his clothing line is!

Me: Yes. Imma tell him all my friends who drag LOVE it! (we hi-5 and then break out into a Kid N' Play style dance move)

Me: Wait I just thought of something-you ARE the solution to my cold coochie problem-

Ice T: Woah, T...I mean you're great but I'm married-

Me: Ice! I am talking about your fine ass blasian son!

Ice T: Fall back, T.

Me: He's young. Tender. Blasian.

Ice T: My son.

Me: You like me. I'm great. How great will it be?! He won't need to jack off in movie theaters...

Ice T: Let's go find Kanye.

Me: But Ice...come on...Ice...Ice...Daddy In Law....Grandpa...Ice?!...

The End.

Saturday, November 12, 2011

Dicked. Down.

Usually when a woman as sexy and amazing as myself goes 'missing' both physically and mentally, people usually think it involves getting deeply dicked.
This is ME though, so that is sadly not the case.
It's not that I can't get it, it just has to be right and not creepy, bitch-made, an asshat, typical dick, etc.
...anyways, my absence stems from just A LOT OF SHIT going on all at once. Since stress isn't healthy and I was feeling stresses I decided to take stock of my situation. Why am I feeling overwhelmed, what would have to be eliminated or am I just being a flaky twat (which if you think about it is really gross).

Though I needed to sac up and get my shit done on my terms, I also needed to place less importance in certain people.
I have this thing- you may have noticed it with the dudes I like. You know the dudes who could really give a FUCK about me. It's not my low self esteem that causes me to like these champs (sarcasm for dumbasses), it's my lack of knowing what I want or thinking I want something that really isn't the case- meaning I let my imagination create the fine idea of these dudes instead of who they are in reality. Which isn't always fuckable.
I kinda do the same thing with people, even ones who aren't dumbasses. I place importance in them or situations when they could really give a fuck. Sometimes they don't even like me but keep me around because I am awesome- which I can understand because I am awesome, but dude come on. I have like many people who are awesome and I am awesome and we are awesome together so fuck you. That is you in the plural.

All this 'adjusting' has led to me not writing ANYTHING but blurbs. I have literally tried to write awesome blogs but could only get 2 sentences out.
Sad times....

A few things I am working on and need to share-

holiday seasonal thoughts!

am back on to online dating!

I have given someone one of my funny nicknames where they don't know I call them this and now I cannot remember their real name!

WALKING DEAD!

Epiphany crush where I realized that I have had a crush on someone for years but never realized it till like 3 months ago.

I turned to B one day and said that I was still sad about Amy Winehouse being dead. Like a deep sadness.

My cat (not my vagina) has been sick and it has almost been too much.

There is a psychology to being thinner-and I wasn't obese and didn't even know how overweight I was till I lost weight. Crazy times.


...and much more! Have a lot of catching up to do. Also, during a long walk today I had some amazing writing ideas.

Guess who's bizzack!!

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Good Things I Have Put In My Mouth Lately-Delicatessen

Sure, I have walked by Delicatessen (Soho,New York City) and have shaken my head: NO WAY!
It seemed like a scene. A place where 'pretty people' go to eat- well drink and play like they eat.
Then I had friends to show around town and we were in Soho...so I figured: why not give it a chance for the people to see pretty people.

Then I saw this on the menu....



...well not the pic actually, I just saw that there was a whole section dedicated to MAC N' CHEESE!! This is when I realized that I could be okay with pretty people and a scene. Actually, there was nice ambiance....and MAC N' CHEESE!
I chose the Mac' Lobstah...it was delightful.
Okay, besides the Mac' Lobstah, our waiter was FINE. I noticed he was not the only hot dude working there-good food AND hot dudes. Gonna pull an A.Schwarz: I'll be back!

My friend G-Money got a burger topped with pork belly.
WORD!


I know it was good because G-Moolah stopped speaking. I literally said a sentence, put a forkful of Mac Lobstah goodness in my mouth, and then turned to look at him and that burger was Swayze, yo!
Impressive.

Sometimes I am not always right-rare- but true. Delicatessen was good eating and chill vibes. The dudes were hot. I didn't try to give any my number so I can definitely go back! WOOT!

Saturday, October 15, 2011

The Sound of Love....- Lust

Way back in May (of this year) I bought NY Knicks headphones. They were AWESOME. They were Amare Stoudemaire headphones. I loved them.
Then they broke...
Before you say: you have a large head you big headed bitch!
I do not!! I am just rough with my headphones. I don't just DJ with them (or DJ at ALL with them), I throw them in my bag which is filled with books, Purell, and the numbers of dudes who were FEELIN' my headphones. *sigh* All the wang I bagged.
Then they broke...
Not even 6 months old!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Needless to say I was sad. Sad. Luckily it was summer so I got over it. I mean, it's was way too hot to wear big headphones.
As Fall approached though, I thought about my cold little winter ears. *sigh* I do have small ears which don't hold earbuds well. I thought about them being red. Cold. Earbuds falling out. Awww.
Thankfully, no one wants to see that.

It was suggested to me back when I went to purchase my Knicks headphones that I should head to Park Avenue Audio (NYC) for some Grado headphones.
Being the stubborn ass I am (the best) I was all like- whatevs.
Then the Knicks headphones broke and I remembered Grado.
So I did my research, and being a pseudo sound nerd, I was all like HELLS YEAH. They look real old school and more importantly they ARE.NOT. Beats by Dre headphones. They are also BROOKLYN made...like myself.
So, I roll to Park Avenue Audio and CANNOT. FIND. IT.
I walked the streets like a non-seasoned hooker...looking for the place. As a native New Yorker, I was sad.
Today I not only felt sad. I felt ashamed. See, today I FOUND Park Ave. Audio. You know how I found it? I wasn't walking up and down FIFTH AVENUE like before!!!
*moment of silence*
The only excuse I can give is that it was after a DAY at work and I utilize my brain so, so much for my wit n' shit...sometimes things slip through the cracks...like the difference between FIFTH AVENUE and PARK AVENUE!
I grew.up.in.this.city- I have worked on Park Avenue....ahhhhh, I'll stop.

The lighting in Park Ave. Audio could be called 'mood lighting'- it's dark, but not like creeper dark. Dark, yet still light. Hard to explain.
Anyways, I roll in...all frizzed and wet from the rain. There's me, some Law & Order playing on one TV, and 2 dudes repairing a stereo looking thing. They both look up and say 'hello'-one though, the one that made my cheeks burn with desire. We'll call him Stallion (of course he's Italian- could tell by the accent and smoldering looks) let his hello and stare linger.
Sure, Stallion was dressed like he was about to go hike some trail (in Italy I hope), but he was just so damn HOT. Like not pretty, friggin' handsome- then again...he just had these lips.

...where was I?
Stallion decides he's going to help me. Wanting to sound like I knew what the fuck I was talking about (which I do most of the time), I ask for some Grado headphones by SERIAL NUMBER! Yeahhhhh booyyyy.
Stallion smiles (amazing) and is all like okay, it'll take a bit because they specially make each one...blah blah.
I stopped listening- though still watched his lips move. I began thinking: hmmm, thought I would spend 100- 200 bucks....AND they specially make them?!
I lean forward on the counter- uh, how much is that total?
He says something along the lines of OVER A THOUSAND DOLLARS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I chuckle and say oh no no. I don't want those. We then spend 20 mins discussing my roughness with headphones, working my way up the Grado system, Amy Winehouse, employers and your Facebook, New York City being generic not having enough trannies, clever email names, etc.
He laughed at my jokes even though I saw how disinterested in me was after he saw that I smell nice, have good skin...but I am not a rich bitch. No thousand dollar headphones for me.

Basically, Stallion and I were falling in love. I could tell by the time I signed the credit card receipt, that he wanted to hold me close and gently place his parmesan regiano all up on my grits!
Sadly-yet happily, I just left with my new headphones-and knowing that Stallion has my email address, and will think of me...FOREVER.

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

This Really Happened

After seeing the Kardashian's in the audience of Dancing With The Stars (do not fucking ask WHY I'm watching this AND have crushes on J.R. Martinez and David Arquette-LIKE WHEN did he become sexy. WTF is happening to me???????????????)- so my mom sees them Kard-ASS-hians and says.....

Mom: That's it. You're broke and in your 30's, get on Twitter and find out who you have to sleep with to get rich and famous!

Me:
Excuse me?

Mom:
Find out who you have to sleep with to get famous. That Kardashian whore slept with Ray J! RAY J!

Me:
I know! It is too late to bring up this angst...

Mom: Here I have a beautiful daughter who's camera friendly, you're talented! You're also broke. Time to get rich- go sleep with someone. I give you my permission.

Me:
I'm gonna go....not sleep with someone.

....honestly, I have given the 'puttin' the nan on Twitter' some thought, but if Kim could get famous from Ray J, what low life would I have to bone??? AHHHHHHH! One of them Jersey Shore assholes? Ja Rule???
The main thing is my mom has given up on me and thinks whoring is the way to go. *sigh*

Monday, October 3, 2011

Mind Games.

With all that is going on in the world the one thing that is giving me an uneasy feeling is that damn new Paranormal Activity commercial!
Let's not think I saw the first or second Paranormal movies- you see after The Ring, my bitchassedness rose up.
The truly complex part is I LOVES me a scary movie...but that psychological, shadowy, camera trick shit- or just that Grudge sound ( though I proceeded to answer my phone with that sound for a week because even fear doesn't stifle my fuckery), fucks with my mental. After seeing The Grudge (1&2, because I tried to fight the bitchassedness), I thought every shadow in my apartment was that hair coming for me! Seriously, I hardly slept for a few days. This is the first time I am admitting that.
It's all that psychological shit that gets me. I can watch 15 people get gutted, but fucks with my mind and I am DONE.
It's because I am so mental...and smart...and intellectual n' shit.
....so, just the commercials where the little girls are saying 'bloody mary' and then that bitch appears!!!
SEEE, I have dumped friends for trying that 'candyman' shit. I don't play them kinda reindeer games.

In conclusion, I will NOT be ever seeing that Paranormal Activities business and I am excited for Halloween!!!

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Beats In L.A.



I haven't said too much about my LA trip because it was chilllll and mostly for work...but there was some play- but it was LA.
I understand the animal that LA is. It was just intensified because I had to deal with TV people- keep your slacks on, the world isn't ready for me on TV...my own sitcom that would show me eating various desserts off of hot dudes while saying snarky shit.
Anyways, I mostly laid by a pool and went to the Westfield Mall. Chill times- well when I wasn't plotting peoples deaths.
It's pretty general to say that people in LA are fake- but.it.is.true. (to an extent)
Also note, I haven't met EVERYONE in LA (thank hay-sus)...but I feel comfortable with my belief.
Every person that approached me wasn't just being friendly, they were trying to figure out why my (amazingly good lookin') Black ass was where I was. Was I someone???!! By day 2 I started my conversations by saying 'I am no one'- reminds when Buffy (The Vampire Slayer) ran away after killing Angel and then became Anne....-long story...
People would then walk away from me. Seriously. They would just walk away. Because I am a NOBODY!!!
...though if I had a pair of Beats by Dre headphones I would've been told to 'run them headphones' resulting in me having no headphones and losing my Brooklyn credibilities by getting ROBBED in LA- and not Compton, I was staying near Beverly Hills, yo!
Anyways, it seems that them headphones are what the streets want! Every time I turned on the news someone was getting jacked-WAIT getting beat for them BEATS! HA!
Yes, I sat in my hotel room eating cashew nuts coming up with various headlines about this audio thievery. It entertained me till I went to lay by the pool again.

All in all, LA was cool and I didn't punch anyone. Still winning!

Sunday, September 18, 2011

Twat!

So, I have given in and am on Twitter now- next step to into douchedom- getting an iPhone! Follow me if you choose: @ChronofCashmere- you'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll wish to un-follow me soon enough.

I am trying to be selective about who I'm following. Some are friends and soon to be lovers and most are people I enjoy and don't want to set on fire!

So far so good though- cannot wait till I get into Twitter beef!!!!!

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Good Things I Have Put In My Mouth Lately- Meat.Butter.

Though not excited about having to venture to Williamsburg, Brooklyn AKA land of various rape scenes and bedbugs, and filled with people I mostly hate (except the ones I don't)- I ventured to Fatty 'Cue. I went because I was invited by Ru and for him, I'll go.
Listen, you give me good company and promise me good food- I.Am.There.
So off I go. Off the L train and up Bedford Avenue. Not punching the various peeps I wanted to punch, just listening to some Adele and Salt n' Pepa and making my way. Even stumbled upon Boricua College (THIS EXISTS)...mostly cuz I stumbled in the wrong direction. May take a course there and hopefully not be impregnated (because my thighs and Latin dudes = insta-germination).

Anyways, I get there and wait in front for the gang to arrive...suddenly he appears. Falcide (Fake Alicide from True Blood). He is a waiter and there is a seating area outside of the restaraunt too.
Our eyes meet and there was twinkling and smiles. I almost drop my phone-and also forget about Ru who called me all lost...
After a few 'eye dances', he smiles and says 'hello'. I smile and mumble something-then I buck up and ask about our reservation and if anyone else is here. He does a thorough search letting me know I am the first one there and our table is ready. Awesome.
Let me describe him...he looks like Alcide from TrueBlood except with shorter hair! The same height, build- this dude was wearing a Mets shirt (which made me smirk). He had tatts-and not asshole tatts, dude tatts. His lips were ridiculous! Ahh...hmm OH YEAH- the food.

This was sort of a celebration for me (in my mind) because doing my diet/cleanse proved that I have discipline and can basically do anything. So I was going in-moderately though.
Sadly, our waiter was NOT Falcide, it was this other guy who was pretty awesome. He loved us so much he gave us all free drink tickets beacuse...we're awesome.

There were 5 of us, so we decided to order fam-lay style and just go in. -
First at the bar as I tried to recover from the 'hot dude' dry mouth I was suffering from, I decided to get some Young Tender Coconut to drink from- that is what the drink is called. You can get it with rum or not...


I opted to NOT drink my calories and eat BACON...mostly though I wanted to not have the rum because it would've resulted in me dry humping Falcide.

Honestly, I didn't take a lot of pics because I was busy eating. Here's a shot of the chicken with this delish peanut sauce. Next to it is this eggplant dip and crudite. Mmm mmm


We also had the fried okra that came with some kind of cheese. It was pretty delish...


We also ordered a bacon curry dish, some ribs, a pork belly noodle dish and the creme de la creme- 2 kinds of brisket with steam buns. OMG! That shit blew.my.mind!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The thing that blew my loins was the meat butter...which was very fittingly delivered by Falcide (who was not our waiter but just wanted to allign himself with my cooch)!!!
I have described this before-meat juices done all clarified butter style. They serve this with 'Texas' sized toast! It made me giggle, it made me cry and it (along with Falcide) made me moist. The waiter said he was going to steal my name for it: meat butter. Falcide seemed pretty impressed too...Ru noticed how I was (trying) seducing him with my eyes. Mostly, I probably looked constipated and anxious.

There was no dessert having because our greedy asses were FULL!
...well I had a certain kind of dessert in mind involving Falcide on my boooooooooooooooooody. So, I slipped him my digits- I KNOW, so bold of this punk (i.e. me), but I figure: who gives a fuck? I mean he could have no interest (i.e. bad taste) but what the hell do I care? He's hot and works around meat- I'm in.

So far no call though.- Okay, I may have put my number and NOT my name because I was that nervous. (punk ass) I also wrote that I was not slutty which may not be a selling point for some dudes.

Anywho, the aftermath of this amazing meal...



I highly reccomend that if you happen to like bed bugs, hipsters and MEAT- go to Fatty 'Cue (there is also one in the WEST VILLAGE)! The food was pretty legit and there is a waiter that looks like Alcide.

Monday, September 12, 2011

True Blood Season 4 -The Rundown AKA Season of The Meth Cooch

When the season started I was all down for a 3 way involving me, Eric and Alcide.
That hasn't changed-though things were shaky when Eric started banging Sookie. Sure, he lost his memory too so he wasn't all gnarly leather wearing Eric with a smirk and an overbite.

Anyways, here is my True Blood Season 4 Rundown:


- So we know that Sookie was with Bill but was having sexual fantasies about Eric (who wouldn't) then Bill betrayed her or something and lil ole Sook's oooch was missing some cold dong.
Enter the witches. Marni, a nerdy witch, summons some old witch Antonia who's like: I'm dirty, vamps raped me, imma speak in some Latin and make these bitches walk in the sun.
Eric gets cursed with memory loss because he bit the shit out of Marni then she let Antonia run up in her and turned this bitch out- well Eric out who in turn turned Sookie out. Cold dong-less NO MORE!
...but seriously, those sex scenes?? Ridiculous. Even made me uncomfortable- I am all like: boo your hubby is on this show watching you dry hump some Swede? damn.
One scene involved a bed in the middle of the Lord of the Rings Fae-Land forest! There was snow n' shit. I was done. It soon became about me wanting Eric to get his memory back.
Then I didn't care because the whole build up of the season was the supposed FIGHT over Sookie between Bill and Eric. WHY? I mean really? Sookie? She is as smart as a craw fish (Lousianna y'all), screams and cries all the time- okay she is part fairy which make the vamps go wild but then m'boo Alcide...


He totally tells Sookie that he'd like impale her with his 'big bad wolf'. WHAT.THE.FUCK???
I don't see her appeal? She can read minds? Shit, I read books!- speaking of books, this series is so left field of the Sookie Stackhouse series by Charlaine Harris that I watch it just to see what the hell are they going to not do like the book now...

Yeah so this season was about everyone wanting Sookie. She doesn't choose Eric or Bill (we don't know about Alcide)- best thing that happened all season- well one of the 2 best things that happened- Eric and Bill wearing matching bathrobes.

Ugh...who cares? Just hope Sookie doesn't get with Alcide then ALMOST ruin him for me too!

I say almost because once Eric got his memory back (thanks to Sookie and her fairy cooch fingers)(also the second best thing of the season) he ripped out a dudes heart and proceeded to sip blood from the heart using one of the ventricles as a STRAW. AHHHHHHHHH! That was amazing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It's the simple things.

So yeah...Sookie is dead dong-less again, Eric is back to wearing leather jackets, Bill who went through a 'being a dick' phase became lovable normally annoying Bill who sounds like an overseer (he makes my inner house slave shiver)and they killed the witch who became a ghost...that entered Lafayette's body!


-So...yeah...Lafayette is a MEDIUM! Like Whoopi Goldberg in Ghost-


Even down to the horrible wigs- no, but seriously what was going on with Lafayette's hair this season???? He had Coolio braids, a beaded corn rowed mohawk...just horrible, horrible shit! Luckily I'll always love me some Lafayette so it wasn't an Eric situation where I thought about him meeting the true death-especially during them long lovey dovey chats with Snookie (ha, it's the best when he calls her that).
Anyways, Jesus, Lafayette's boo is a bru-ho and Lafayette is a medium. They help with killing the witch and solving one of the LAMEST story lines involving a haunted doll and Arlene's devil baby.

Marni enters Lafayette's body causing him to kill his boo. Awww. Thankfully Jesus's ghost visits him-but doesn't enter him (this time, oooooooooooo). He comforts Lafayette while Tara's busy getting half her head shot off by Debbie Pelt-Alcide's ex-boo who he abjured (wolf talk for 'told to fuck off') because she started boning the pack master. Debbie came to kill Sookie of course but (as usual) she fucked everything all up got Tara shot-
Aww Tara...


-Most of this season I have been like: whateva, Tara!
I mean really, getting caught up in some bullshit again. Witchcraft! Ugh. I was done with her...and then she got shot and I was like: oh damn, Tara I miss you!
Plus she's the only Black chick on the show...so...


-Jason Stackhouse. I like him and wanted him to be a were panther, but he's not. He is boning his best friend's ex- vampire boo. (pretty fucked up)...and again resulting in some INTENSE (meaning looking like some real penetration happening) sex scenes! It made me uncomfortable especially since Jason's body is about the size of my calf (even post diet!).


Overall, B, Jesse and JK and I thought that the season lacked plot and we loved it mostly because it involved us all hanging out and eating AMAZING things...and then making fun of how effed up the show is.
Of course we'll watch Season 5...but I am giving it the side eye already.
In the words of Pam (my favorite): Fuck Sookie Stackhouse!
Will be saying this till next season!

Saturday, September 10, 2011

Ain't Nothing Changed

So, you remember how I was/am doing this diet/cleanse thing. Well it resulted in me being on TV- so people can take bets on when I wake up covered in mac & cheese with a pillow of cakes, and melted ice cream instead of drool...when I become 1000lbs and bed ridden.
People LOVE IT when you fail, especially if they can watch- I don't plan on failing because it's just a new way of life for me. I mean I will have me some cake and bacon- last night I had bacon. And meat butter. Did not know what my mouth was missing till I had meat.butter. Meat butter is the the renderings of meats made into a clarified butter type deliciousness.
Where was I?

...I was in LA doing TV- HA! Sounds important because it was really just one of the many reasons why I write. Random amazingness happens.
I met Steve Ward aka 'Tough Love' matchmaker...


Remember him? Though his forehead seemed to be chasing his hair, and he has a douche-y appeal, I found him handsome. SO handsome I had a dream that we were dating, but I was showing him some tough.love- not THAT way, dirty, in a way that he was all on it and I was like 'meh'.
Which is what would happen. He is tall and not horrible on the eyes, and any dude that calls out sluts is alright by me- but there's that douche-y appeal.
Oh well.
NO, the show didn't involve him trying to figure out why a gem like me is single- though that would be interesting...and a camera following me on dates?! Amazing.
He wasn't even on my segment, just ran into him as I was coming out of my dressing room- HA! yeah I said that and it happened!

Don't worry, though I am prone to asshole tendencies, I am not all LaLa land out. Am still the lovable scamp who loves to hate. Awww.

When I came back, all rejuvenated and ready to rumble, I thought: Fashion Night Out in NYC. YES!
No!
I was all chilled from shopping at the Westfeld Mall (one of the best malls ever) and reading by the pool- then I had to curse out several people and deal with being in front of the MAC store (in Soho) and some chicks thinking Nikki Minaj was there. These chicks proceeded to yell: OMG IS NIKKI IN THERE???!!!
They stopped when I turned slowly holding up my elbow to take out the culprit windpipe. Through gritted teeth I said it was Beth Ditto and not Nikki.
At this point I was done. Luckily I met up with Brooklyn Kat and we walked one block together before I was done again. Last year it was fun, this year it was crowded with assholes! Assholes dressed like all that was wrong with the 90's.

This is me among the assholes. I am laughing because I am thinking: what.the.fuck.am.I.doing.here?????????????????????????


I am back. I am thinner. I still hate everyone which is why I will be single and have various jungle cats as pets.

Monday, August 29, 2011

2011 MTV VMA's Rundown




Thanks to Hurricane Irene (that bitch is getting blamed for everything) I felt the need to connect. Connect to something-someone....and it wound up being the MTV VMA's. I know. But when one is desperate without HBO (to watch True Blood) you do whatchu gotsta do.
You also begin writing/speaking like an ass.
I knew what I was getting into watching these VMA's. Knew it from the pre-show...once I saw Sway. I have hated Sway since the beginning of time, and the fact he's been with MTV for like 30 years proves what a soul lacking robot he is. I ran into him once and just growled. He didn't understand the animosity.
Anywho, here's my MTV VMA 2011 rundown:

- the buzz around the 'black carpet' was: what is Lady Gaga going to wear???? will she come drizzled in ovaries and wear the skin of Carebears-but no, she came as an alter ego that was a dude. she remained in character ALL NIGHT. it's like I wanna punch her, but I respect her commitment to the crazy...and she was manlier than a lot of dudes. her performance was typical.

- Kevin Hart then comes out all jittery n' shit. what brand of yayo was he on?? he made me anxious and HAPPY he wasn't asked to host, though his bits were tolerable and he stole my whole 'Black people don't skateboard' thing, but whatevs. if he is what's coming up in comedy, then wake me when he's funny. lucky I love sleeping.

- Skinny Jonah Hill AKA the large n' in charge dude from Superbad comes out with Nikki MiTwat (Minaj). she comes off as her usual- lacking of originality or personality, looking like a cosplay addict and making me want to kick her repeatedly. I zoned out till I saw that Britney Spears won for best pop video. Good for her-till she thanks God. Really Britney? you should be thanking your parents, the meds, the various people that put up with your nonsense because you pay their rent- BUT you know I can't hate on Brit Brit too much because compared to all the other assholes there, she looked mad elegant (for her) and came off really chill. plus, she's dating Sam from True Blood...or some dude that looks like him. Sam is a good dude so Brit can't be all that horrific...maybe.

- the SURPRISE performance happened- 'Otis' performed by Kanye 'Canadian Tux' West and Jay 'Bringin' Timbs Back' Z. too bad the person that ran onstage didn't have a shank, would've made the performance more interesting- LISTEN, I know there are like 50 million peeps who are taking turns gargling 'Ye and Jay's ballsacs. when it is NOT their turn they are trying to say how amazing that 'Otis' song is and how 'Watch The Throne' is the second coming. NO. it is mediocre. it is alllll that is wrong with 'hip hop' or whatever this shit is. it is people who are talented n' shit just resting on their laurels and not doing anything progressive, just instilling more bullshit and mediocrity. people so wrapped in what they and everyone else is wearing, they have no idea what TIME it is-and the time is to be about something more than some bullshit. try having substance- it's scary, but damn it is fulfilling!

- Sean White and Miley Cyrus come out looking like a before and after. Miley is the before and Sean is the after- meth. Foo Fighters won an award- WOW really? they're still winning shit? whatevs.

- ugh. Nikki MiTwat wins best rap video. let that just sit with you. that over hyped, lyrically sterile, annoying comicon train run WON. I mean, I don't look to MTV for hip hop n' shit...but damn. she makes Will Smith seem like Nas. and OF COURSE she is from Queens, only QUALITY comes from Brooklyn. she should be set on fire in an empty lot. also, may Lil Beetle (Wayne) find her burning body and get so emotionally distraught he trips into the fire and burns himself. whole.

- best collabo goes to Katy Perry and Kanye for that fucking song NO ONE GAVE A FUCK ABOUT! thankfully Kanye recognizes real and was like Chris Brown and co. should've won-which is true. also, I may have let Katy slip by with her bullshit before BUT then she was a complete asshat to 'Ye and she is corny as hell with her jokes- that Taylor Swift thing was like 10 years ago (in dog years) get over it bitch! then later when her prettier hubby Russell Brand says she was influenced by Amy Winehouse!!! I kinda wanted Amy's ghost to appear with a blow dart full of used needles. a dart to Katy and one to Kreyshawn.

- sweet! next up is the Pitbull and Neyo performance...with some chick who thought she was figure skating for dick or something. I think her name is Nya or chick who best marry rich n' quick. lovebirds Neyo and Pitbull paid her no never mind. Pitbull is enamored with being a talentless dick and Neyo is obsessed with the idea that he is Michael Jackson. Pitbull is on the right path, but Neyo needs to STOP. give it up. please.

- *sigh* Adele. I love her. that will never change. the above pic is one of my most favorite ever. I think MTV wanted to ignore Adele, but thankfully TALENT cannot be denied so her performance was just...it was what was needed. so simple. no bullshit. just someone singing from their soul. amazing. it helped to ease the rage that building up in me. I LOVED the close up of Adele's expressions during the show...like she was trying to keep the 'PC face' but her realness came through. she gave a lot of 'WTF face', which is what I would've been doing.

- y'all bitches better clap for Chris Brown!! ha! he started out cheesy, then some WuTang happened and then Nirvana....and then that 'Beautiful People' song started and I kinda love that song. which is BIG because I can't stand Chris Brown-way before he started trying to transform Rihanna's forehead. anyways, that song was very old school NYC house vibe. I wanted to twirl...and then vogue to that song.

- damn! I am FUCKING OLD. Britney Spears is getting a video vanguard award??!!! shit! have to say the little girls KILLED IT. omg, loved that part. just as I was all cool-then here comes Beyonce. I was impressed she had on clothing- then I found out she was pregnant. well not that I found out it was more like she was in stirrups and there was a spotlight showing us the inside of the uterus-and there was a lil golden haired camel wearing a Yankees cap. whatevs, I was more concerned with the lack of words to the song or the fact that she kept repeating something about her love being on top-UGH now we need to know how the lil golden camel was conceived. gross, yo.

- there is a show on MTV called: I Want My Pants Back.

- damn, damn, damn. I am not into Tyrone The Creator (Tyler) and his band of lackeys, but that jizzbucket spoke some truth. as he accepted his award for best new artist he said that ANYONE can do this. he is right. ANYONE can make a million bucks, win awards, have people trip over cocks to get to them and claim they are musicians. anyone can do it. in fact, my new album drops next month. it's called: Fuckin' Give Me Your Money, the first single is: Gotta Cop Me Some Jeans with Your Money, Bitches

- Zoe Saldana, you are lovely.

- honestly, I don't know who or what the fuck a Young the Giant is...

- Cloris Leachman looked younger than any of them twats from the Jersey Shore.

- ah. the Amy Winehouse tribute. Russell Brand went on about some nonsense. then Tony Bennett came out (RRRRESPPECT) spoke about Amy. amazing...and then they showed the clip, one of Amy's final moments...and I just started crying again. so fucking talented that girl was, even with her perpetual hot mess, she was way better than any of them other assholes on the show-besides Adele. that girl had heart.
then Bruno Mars came out and sang "Valerie'. I have tried to deny my wanting to smother him with my thigh meat, but I shall not deny him anymore. he is about the height of my labia, but no matter, he can get it! he did my Amy justice and I just like his voice.

- Katie Holmes popped out Xenu's crypt to announce something....OH the video of the year...which went to Katy Perry.

Overall I think the night can be summed up with Justin Bieber mouthing after Chris Browns performance 'that's my boy!'. There was a time when hip hop was hip hop and pop was pop and peeps stayed in their lane. Sure, Chris Brown and Justin Bieber are in the same genre- but they shouldn't be. Isn't Chris more Rn'B, shouldn't he be running with dudes and not kids who are waiting for their balls to descend?
People in the industry are too familiar. Getting too comfortable with each other. It's time for segregation. Musical segregation. Have people hone their shit again and stop producing this watered down fucking mess that is occurring. Now Taylor Swift thinks she can have Ludacris rap on her song about the boy that ate a gummi bear out of her ass.
We need WuTang back or something. Like old school Wu-the type that would make that lesbian Bieber REAL uncomfortable. Make him stay home during award shows asking his moms to cut the corners off of his sammiches. Young Money is too busy boning each other and 'Ye has blouses to buy.
I could fuck up Tyrone and his Odd Future cronies. Me and my non kung fu having skills.
...dunno where I was going with this. Just that MTV is crap and this will be my last rundown about their award shows because I get too angry. Too too angry- I mean I just mentioned segregation! Fuck.

Sunday, August 28, 2011

Aftermath: Hurricane Irene Styles





Things are still windy and wet here in the Bay- Sheepshead Bay, Brooklyn. We're not flooded, nor were there random Russians blown onto people's lawns in drenched Armani Exchange.
Just a lot of leaves in the street and people wondering when the trains are going to start running.
Here is my account of the STORM OF THE CENTURY- my account means something because I live in the ZONE and supposedly shit was supposed to go down!

- I watch NBC news and start criticizing the newscasters, but falling more in love with my fellow New Yorkers who were all like : fuck this storm! I then make a salad for dinner and then start watching Barbershop.

-Filled with regret watching Barbershop, I begin trolling the internet and get some writing done.

- Feeling snacky I get some watermelon while I watch Mayor Bloomberg AKA El Bloombito speak Spanish and tell us we may die during the night. I shrug and finish writing.

- Deciding I need exercise, I start dancing around. Ass poppin', practicing my Matrix dance- I'm going to try to bring that one back.

- Enough is enough, I go to bed. The most disturbing thing that happened the WHOLE night (into morning) was this dream I had. I dreamt I was hooking up with this really old dude. Like white haired- but still strong bodied and he was dressed like Colonel Sanders or something. A Southern gentleman of some sort.
OH by 'hooking up' I mean just making out!
Now, I was either a vampire with my human lover that got old.
Reliving some old ancestral slave affair...OR having some 'old man and the sea' anxiety. Perhaps making out with 'old man river'??? I dunno.

Overall, I am sorry for the deaths, but for that dream...EFF YOU IRENE!!!!!!!!!

Friday, August 26, 2011

Fillin' the Sac: Hurricane Irene Styles




So the other day Double D Gchats me that I am living in THE ZONE. Don't know if ya heard but after going through EARTHQUAKE 2011 that devastated mirrors everywhere- we are now preparing for Hurricane Irene. Trains are shutting down. Peeps are buying years worth of water- basically peeps are freakin'.the.fuck.out!
One would think I would be all buying 15 boxes of granola bars because I live in the DANGER ZONE, but I am chillin'. Hitting up the supermarket in a bit. Going to get some writing done. Get some sleep. Watch some DVD's. Get some more sleep. Try not to think about eating buttery shit to soothe the fact that this weekend is going to SUCK!
In any case, Double D and I discussed the evacuation bags peeps were advised to prepare. I then came up with a few items that were missing from the list bearing only water, flashlights, etc.

Here is what would be in my bag:

- a great rain slicker with a hood
- some books
- a shake shack burger, milkshake, and bottled water
- a sassy gay friend
- a Wii
- some fruit n' shit
- a party dress, some jeans, some shorts, a cable knit sweater
- a hat because the hair will be EFFED- much like it is now, am rocking a mini fro a la Chaka Khan in the group Rufus
- the number to someone with a private jet and a house that is not in the 'fucked zone'
- Patron and some Sophia (Double D) because I'm classy
- a machete because peeps act straight cray cray when shit goes down and I will cut a bitch
- Insta-Dry nail polish- to do my nails on the private jet
- a hot, interesting boo who will come in handy if that jet shit doesn't pop off!

Anything more and the bag would be too heavy.

Monday, August 22, 2011

Greasy Faced, But Here!

...and I'm back.
Not like I've been anywhere, just busy. Busy thinking about french fries, cakes, milkshakes, all the foods I can't eat-but I've lost a few pounds in my waist for ya. Well not you, and DEFINITELY not Ami James- just for me. Also, my clothes. Oh, my heart and health.
Anyways, a few things that have been on my mind...

- Pam Grier is my favorite! I mean she is the loveliness that represents my blog- okay, I lost weight to look more like PAM GRIER!! Though magic isn't something you can ingest. Hmmm. Anywho, I read her autobiography- Foxy- a great read. She is everything I imagined. Thoughtful, gutsy, funny and always in the right place in the right time. She's also a Gemini which proves how awesome she is- we tend to be friggin' delightful- well those of us who are me and Gem's I like. Some of us can be ass crazy and need to be slapped repeatedly.
Ms. Grier taught Fellini how to fry chicken! That's all.

- Okay, Ami- the boo in my head- is on my list. That list of dudes who go from 'I wanna bone ya' to "No breakfast, just leave after the bonin'". Ami started a clothing line. It is a clothing line for douchebags, asshats, peeps with minimum of 2 STD's, people with bad taste, assholes, etc. We all know my uterus has anointed him with the power to do as he wishes with my loins, but his line of thin v-necks and TRUCKER HATS- REALLY?! Fuckin' trucker hats??? I thought we were rid of them things that cover the nonexistent brains of the tool's and people who probably listen to Pitbull. Anyways, his clothing line makes me dry and my vag walls want to close in on themselves. Not a good look, boo.

- Love summer, sometimes. It's almost over and I'm not that sad. Not just because it'll mean this diet/cleanse is over and I won't have to have naughty fantasies about toast- it will be the beginnings of 'less greasy face'!!!! It's way past dewy. It is straight greasy. So...greasy...I almost want to lick my face...UGH, but that would be gross. Desperate and gross.

- Don't ever let me try to tell you I'm all hoird (hard). I mean I'll kick you swiftly in the ass if needed, but I am in no way stayin' strapped or rocking the boxcutter on the roof of my mouth.
There is a Bruno Mars song on my iPod. As Ghostface would say: that's as soft as Drake marinatin' in a bathtub full of lotion.

Sunday, August 7, 2011

My Thing With (or FOR) Ami James: Chapter II -Going Inside

My stalking skills lack a certain je ne sais quoi, mostly because I have to be inspired and also because I am not as crazed as I seem. EVEN when it comes to hot dudes that make my uterus quiver like Ami James.
I feel like I have so many shows to watch, and books to never finish writing, and sleep to catch up on to actually stalk someone. EVEN someone as hot, luscious and 'stand-up guy' like Ami.

In any case, I made my way into the Wooster Street Social Club. Of course Mr. James wasn't there- baby steps. My friend Marci drops a bombshell on me- she wants to get a tattoo.
Her first tattoo.
On her hand.
She says this while opening the door to the WSSC so I had no time to fully process it and shake her while asking: why? why? why?
I didn't do that of course because I was walking down the hall leading to the front desk-the desk I have seen Ami lean on (on TV), then there was the couch that I've seen him sit on with the serious face (or just the face he has), and...well just the space where my boo (in my head) spends his days. Except for the day I was there which was good for EVERYBODY.
I had to sit down.
Marci looked at designs and then spoke to a dude who told her that he couldn't give her a hand tatt because Ami doesn't allow that shit. He also proceeded to flirt with her hard core, but in the end told her no hand tatt and to come back and take it up with Ami.
I was still sitting and kinda pleased at my boo (in my head) because a hand tatt really?! Also neck tatts?!
I have already mentioned that people with neck tatts alert me to their douchebag/bitch/asshat capabilities...except for m'boo of course!
The dude also mentioned how this would be Marci's first tatt AND she's a teacher AND she is quite lovely (which he pointed out repeatedly)- I dunno if it was just the luck of draw, but why do most women I've seen in tattoo parlors look 'rode hard and put away wet'? Like life has dealt them a bad hand and then slapped them with a dick?

....so, Marci left a lil frustrated but with a fire in her eyes she says: now you can fight Ami for me on the mats.
I chuckled and then looked forward to those mats-perhaps in chapter III of my semi-stalking of Ami James. There will be sweat, shirts will come off...and most likely he'll be calling the cops to get me the eff away from him- if I even make it to the mats because most likely I'll be distracted by food or watching True Blood or something.

Good Things I Have Put In My Mouth Lately-Balthazar!

Honestly, I didn't think I would be doing one of these for a bit because for the next month and a half I am on this strict diet/cleanse. I am doing the cleanse/diet because I can and...why not?
I eat healthy mostly- but I already feel more energetic and 'lighter'-though I realized that my love for cheese and bready things runs DEEP (so deep I put her ass to sleep- ahh Ice Cube, though that makes NO SENSE and does not correlate with eating at Balthazar).
Anyways, there are going to be moments. Few and far between moments, when I am going to do bad, bad things.

My book club finished reading the book Tell All by Chuck Palahniuk- I found it quite good by the way- and because of the Hollywood glamor, we decided to do it UP at Balthazar. A fancy-pants spot in Soho, NYC.
Models, actors, people who think they are important and shit go there to be seen. We went there to eat...and look at the people trying to be seen.
I knew today was going to have me delve into the pleasure depths of delish baked goods, but I was still so good. Too good. Just lil nips of the Le Panier bread basket.

Look at this...

I can't. *fans self with piece of lettuce*

...but I did have this for breakfast. The scrambled egg in puff pastry!


It was delightful. Now I can no longer type or look at these pics. I'm going to go cry in a corner. Cry into the bag of bikini's and leotards I am ONLY GOING TO BE WEARING.
Moooohahahahah.

If you don't mind the atmosphere of assholes, DEFINITELY go to Balthazar for the delish food...and the bread. The friggin' bread!
I have to go back in a month for the fries, I hear they are the business.
...but for now, I cleanse. I live. I plot- for mid-September-October when I can eat bread again!

Sunday, July 31, 2011

Paranoid

The neighborhood I live in started out Italian and Jewish, and is now mostly Russian/Ukranian...even Siberian.
Anywho, any time I walk down the street and a little kid/baby/toddler looks at me, points and says something in their native language I think it's the N word!
Every.Time!
Even if the kid and his mom smiles, or the kid giggles and seems like they wanna play with me for some reason. I am angrily squinting and shaking my head and calling it (the kid) a little racist.

Add this to the issues list.

Saturday, July 23, 2011

Amy. Amy. Amy.



Like Janet Jackson and Cyndi Lauper (and many others) spoke to the girl in me, Amy Winehouse spoke to the woman in me. I think it was the time in my life, or the tone of her voice or just her brand of crazy-but I just loved her unconditionally and she holds a special place in my heart. Though cold and dark like an underground cave, my heart is big and intense.

It had to be around 2004 or 2005 when I was in the middle of a conversation at the bar at 60 Thompson (Soho, New York) when my friend Mo who was DJing at the time, put on "Fuck Me Pumps". I literally stopped mid-sentence after hearing the first verse and walked over to him and was like WHO IS THIS??
He handed me her LP telling me how huge she was in England and how the States wasn't ready for her (true, until her second album).
It was love at first listen.
That voice...and the lyrics-that SHE wrote. The youth with the old soul. I immediately bought her CD (this was before mp3's, bitches) and played it over and over. That chick spoke to my soul and made me believe in music again. Sure she had a weed/drinking problem, but you can't write and sing like that without going through some shit-so she had her demons.

At the time I was in my mid 20's and was discovering who I was-which in hand means coming to terms with who I wasn't.
I wasn't a big partier, or drinker, or slut, or into superficial bullshit, or air kisses, or chatting with people just so I could say I knew them, etc.
I had to be cool with that...and as I sat alone in my apartment sippin' ice tea's and cooking dinner...and listening to Amy, I was okay with that.

My friend Margo text me today and said: you introduced me to Amy- this shows how annoying I can be when I am into something or someone. I want my peeps to understand how GREAT they are. Sharing is caring.
Though I also felt good about Amy not being too popular because it could ruin her. Once the BUSINESS sees $$$ all that talent and creativity become ass in leotards and bullshit lyrics. Also producers sitting around being greasy and killing the moment.
It was selfish on my part, but I never claimed not to be a selfish bitch.

Amy of course got big because that kind of talent shouldn't be denied and THANKFULLY a producer I respected, Mark Ronson, worked with her on her second album. So she was entering the mainstream waters but still keeping with who she was. The Back to Black album was an instant/another classic.
Who she was had a lot of issues and unfortunately in the game (even in life) you're not always surrounded by people who have your best interest and truly care about YOU.

With success-though well deserved- it put Amy's issues under a microscope. With no good people around her and the camera lenses, we were front and center for her downfall. I rooted for her and just hoped she would find it within herself to come out of the 'black'. She didn't.

Brooklyn Kat texts me this afternoon: Amy Winehouse is dead!
My heart dropped, I just knew it was true and...you know...I was hoping for her, but this wasn't a surprise-I was...I am sad. Like defeated.
Then I put on a few of her songs and had a cry?!
Now it could be PMS or Satan's Heat NYC 2011...because thugs don't cry, but I think it's because Amy touched something in me and I enjoyed her crazy, her voice and originality. There will be no other, you stand alone boo (and I mean we all saw that asshole Duffy!).

The pic I used is how I'll always remember her. Beautiful, sassy and with eyes filled with an amazing future.

May you rest in peace Amy Winehouse.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

True Blood Season 4 So Far AKA I Wanna Have A 3 Way With Eric and Alcide


I call this my "Hooker, what the fuck?" face! It has been like this since the start of the season. If you watch the show, you know I am talking about 'fucked up fairy world', the fact that NO ONE gives a fuck about Jason and why Bill is the coldest dead dick around!
Still love this show though. Mostly because you're always 5 minutes away from unexpected penetration, spine removal or this....


Eric Northman. I love him- I mean I am pretty much Pam, but like her I owe him fealty...which I would repay with my cooch! That man fine.
You know me, I'm simple. There are HOT dudes, I will watch till there are no hot dudes- BUT OKAY I love the Charlaine Harris books and this is my favorite one. Eric is under some witches spell and has no memory of what an asshole he is. LOVE! The book is a lil different, but as long as the show follows through with lots of nekked (almost cock shots of) Eric...and some tastefully naughty bang out scenes (even if they are with Sookie)-I'll be pleased.

The only thing is him...


Oh man! I would allow him in my one woman wolf pack! I would like to call my vag 'MLK' and allow vamps and wolves to come together...in me! He causes me to use exclamations all day!!!!!!!

Hmmm....so besides wanting to do Alcide and Eric, and be more like Lafayette- this season has been interesting. Though I could give a fuck about Jessica and Hoyt...and Sam's family can all be set on fire. Though I hate Bill, I cannot WAIT till Sookie starts boning Eric and Bill has to DEAL with being lame with a lame hair cut.
He is King Bill. King of the LAMESSSSSS!

Andy Belfleur being strung out on the V has been entertaining...but he's gonna need to do something drastic or I will be borrrred with him.

Then there is Tara...


Besides straightening her hair and becoming a lesbian, she just comes around to say 'fuck' a lot. Eyefuck Pam. And...
Well that's about it! Come on. I love Tara and Lafayette together, but have her videotape Eric showering or something.

One would have thought I would be excited about Alcide's ex Debbie Pelt being back this season. I'm not. I long for the Debbie Pelt of last season. The 80's scrunchie wearing V fiend! Her clothing alone entertained me. Now she's miss goody two shoes....but I read the books. SO, I know.

Have to say I am excited about this season, also, the added bonus of the Sunday pot-luck gatherings that happen at Jesse and JK's. B is also involved. We laugh, we eat, we drool, JK defends Bill, Jesse roots for Jason and B curses Sookie. It's a blast!

Carry on True Blood, carry on...

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

My Thing With (or FOR) Ami James.


Remember when I liked dudes I actually knew-or had a chance with...and they didn't like me anyways? So I just crush on celebs because there is really minimal effort.
Well being one for tradition imma go ahead and admit my subtle longing for Ami James...and PLEASE don't ask: who? you mean the douche who looks like Vin Diesel?
Ask me that and it will not only result in a swift kick to the throat, but I would make you sit through ALL of Vin Diesel's movies! Specifically that one where he has the wig-that one will be on loop 5 times!

Anyways it all began when m'girl B turned to me and said: you know who you'd be good with?
With baited breath I waited because I knew B would have a thoughtful choice-she says: Ami James.
I am like: who?
She says: the dude on NY INK!
I reply: OHHH yeah! the guy I see go by on buses and am like damnnnn he fine! this dude I went to college with works on that show...
B then deems it meant to be because she's says Ami is chill and straight forward- and there is NO DOUBT he is a dude, no bitchasedness. B feels it is a perfect match because I am chill and straight forward...and like Ami feel like when we talk it out and it's a done deal, it's a dead issue- and if people wanna still be on it, we take it to the mats! Meaning straight fist-a-cuffs!
Upon hearing about Mr. James from both B and m'girl Marci-I decided to do my own investigating, which included actually watching NY Ink and emailing IRod aka the dude I went to college with that works on the show. Being so straight forward I asked what Ami's situation was just in case I sac'd up and was able to quit being my usual chick in a romantic comedy you root for but fumbles consistently.
IRod tells me that Ami is married with kids.
Fuckin' of course- this would just be the beginning of my obsession. Again, in keeping with tradition, gimme a dude I absolutely have NO chance with and I will lust for him immensely-please don't let me have to woman up or anything. Let me live in the fantasy please.

Anyways, enough with my issues, let's get back to Ami.
Since I am way passed the point of getting tattoo's- I have to enlist my friends to help with the minimal effort stalking I plan on doing. IRod says he'll totally introduce me- but I gets nervous and if you've been reading my blog you should know why.
I sometimes say crazy inappropriate shit.
Some see it as lovable...and some don't.
Plus, besides my love for Ami, I actually enjoy the show. Like Robear is my fave-simply because he wore a Hole hat in one episode. Then there is Chris Torres. That dude is a DICK...but I would totally just bang him. Dunno what it is...me thinks he's the Jess to my Rory Gilmore. No breakfast, hand holding or dream sharing- straight banging.
Now Ami, we would share our dreams while he taught me the Krav Magra (sp). We would then dine on Moroccan food and play skee ball for dessert.
Take that anyway you'd like.

Saturday I happened to be in Soho...which lead me to the Wooster Street Social Club aka the home of NY Ink. I was there with m'girl Margo- who like me, is not into ink on OUR bodies. On everyone else, whatever works...unless they're just ugly ass tatts.
We lounged in front of the WSC, Margo trying to get me to go inside. I was busy getting too excited seeing Robear and Billy (I think) the apprentice. Then Margo and I discussed what tatt's I WOULD get in case I actually walked inside and got a consultation. I decided on the map of Africa on my lower tummy with the Nile being near my vaginal region. Margo liked that idea but suggested that I get the map of Israel!
Yes! I again suggested that it be situated around my vag- because I like to take a joke and go...n' go! In a moment of sheer genius I say: I can always offer Ami a trip back to his motherland!
Margo and I actually high-5'd!
Then I felt my uterus quiver. This was weird because my period just ended and I wasn't around a dude I wanted to mate with...THEN I looked up and standing right by the window...looking out onto Wooster Street...was AMI 'MUTHA FUCKING' JAMES!
I could NOT believe the strength of my uterus. It literally CALLED to him. Like he just appeared. I couldn't even breathe.
Then he looked me dead in my eyes and it was time for me to go.
I thought I was going to start silently crying whilst dry humping the air- NOT a good look. So I called B and left her a message about how my uterus called Ami and then went to TopShop to decompress.

We'll keep in mind he's married, but my uterus knows NOTHING about that. It wants what it wants.
I don't know what's going to happen when I actually meet him. Will I be able to keep my shit together? Will I be so guitly from dry humping him that I get a tatt??
I'll keep you posted.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Conversations In My Head: The Sweater

Most of the time that look on my face isn't gas or the fact that I hate you- I am probably having a conversation in my head. Like this one while I was walking in SOHO this evening (NOT stalking Ami James-NY Ink- who is one of my latest intangible crushes):

I notice a dude walking by me with a full on sweater. It is SUMMER here in New York City.

Voice 1- most likely Samuel L. Jackson (actor): that dude is wearing a sweater. he has to be on heroin.

Voice 2: most likely Jadakiss (rapper): you have on a sweater-

Voice 1: it's a mutha fuckin' cardigan! and NOT a v-neck sweater. that dude is on some smack...

Voice 2: maybe, but do we give a fuck?

Voice 1: nah, fuck that fool. what we eatin'?


Voice 3- most likely Eartha Kitt (actress, singer, extraordinaire, etc.): i'm feelin' rrravenous...maybe something meaty.

Voices 1 and 2: well damn!

THE END.

Sunday, July 3, 2011

Overheard At The Dunkin' Donuts

My plans to run errands in my hood were stalled when it began pouring again. This just meant sitting in D&D with an iced coffee and a plain donut stick-rather poetic. I planned on just staring out the window and collecting my thoughts.
Then I heard this:

Woman on cell phone: ...yeah, that bill put a damper on all my plans. I wanted to go to Kings Plaza and do a lil shopping. You know, buy things for myself and the house.....yeah....so we're meeting tomorrow at what time?....2:45 or 3, sounds great. The weather will be better.....right....another reason I'm glad to be seeing you tomorrow is- well you know where I'd be...no, Kings Plaza! (giggles) I shouldn't be spending anything and I have enough clothes, but a shirt here n' there is like a pick-me-up....


I listened and realized if I were a middle aged Jewish woman sitting on my cell in a Dunkin' Donuts, then that would be ME! I have been known to say the EXACT same thing, I don't always go to Kings Plaza, but I love spending money I don't have and blaming it on my NEED for retail therapy. Have been trying to be better about that. I wanted to buy that woman a donut and pat her on the shoulder-then I realized that she was kinda annoying and she would take this as me wanting to be friendly. Also, I would be an enabler because I would be right there with her at Kings Plaza buying a ton of shit I don't need.

Monday, June 27, 2011

Conversations with Ice: If You Have Nothing Nice To Say....



Admittedly, I have been avoiding my homie (in my head) Ice T. Ice knows if he hangs around a Starbucks, Target, Dunkin Donuts, or pretty much any place that serves food...I'll eventually show up.
This time I was coming out of one of my favorite secret haunts, the Punjabi Deli in the East Village.
He rolls up on me like Finn would a perp on SVU...

Ice T: Yo, T!

Me: (startled, but refrain from dropping my samosas)Oh...heyyy, Ice! What's up?

Ice T: Why you avoiding me, T?

Me: Avoiding?! I would never...I've been busy...

Ice T: Right. Busy eating them delicious samosas that I enjoy!

Me: Wow. Here...(hand him a pocket of stuffed deliciousness)

Ice T: I don't want it. (crosses arms)

Me: (wave it under his nose) Iccceeee....come on, you know you want it...

Ice T: You talk a lot a mess, but you haven't said jack crap about Ice Loves Coco!

Me: (stuff a samosa in my mouth, then point to it motioning that I now can't speak)

Ice T: Wow. You just stuffed that whole thing in your mouth-you haven't done that since-

Me
: Fine! It's a show. With you and Coco.

Ice T
: You don't like it?

Me: It's painful. Fucking painful.

Ice T: Damn. That's cold T!

Me: Seriously, I love you guys, but this isn't showing you in your best light. It's cheesey. Predictable. Poorly written. Then you produce a song for her about fucking shoes!

Ice T: Okay, okay. We'll agree to disagree.

Me: I love the dog though! If you ever need someone to stare disapprovingly at you-I'm your girl!

Ice T: Yes, when we need a bitter bitch, I'll holla.

Me: Word.

Sunday, June 26, 2011

Good Things I Have Put In My Mouth Lately- Randazzo's

A few years ago I decided it was summer and I wanted to see my friends but I didn't wanna get on the damn train to the city. It was HOT. Where I live in Brooklyn is always cooler and less grimey, so I started Sheepshead Bay Day.
A day filled with showing the many delights of my hood. Mostly eating and shopping. I give half assed history lessons about the Bay, but mostly I keep peeps moving to their next meal which ='s my next meal.
There are certain traditions that we follow- those lucky enough to be invited to Sheepshead Bay Day- see you have to be okay with lots of walking, eating and just sitting on benches and staring at the beach. Also, shopping.
You have to be okay with not doing much of anything with a purpose. Just chilling.
You have to be down with sun, fun and fried foods. Seems like easy criteria, but not really.
Anways, the first eating experience is always Randazzo's (Sheepshead Bay, Brooklyn). I call it our snack.


Randazzo's is pretty historical and pretty delicious. It's homey and not pretentious...and the food is DELISH! The waitress's look like your aunties...if you happen to be Italian.


There's 3 dimensional mirrored decor...


My snack included a chunky lobster bisque. It was creamy and filled with chunks of lobster and potato...perhaps it was a lobster chowder?? In any case, if someone said that I had to stop eating the bisque long enough to hear something important they had to tell me. I would continue eating that bisque, lick the spoon, sip my drink and gently dab the corners of my mouth before settling in to listen to this important thing. That is significant because I am a curious bitch and am barely able to contain myself when people have something important to tell me. Like I need to know because I always think it's going to be: Tina Knowles is your mother.
I prepare to scream and scream, then slowly sew in a weave and then stand wide legged while singing in an uncontrollable vibrato.

Where was I?


...for the table I ordered fried zucchini and calamari. Which I annoyingly kept saying the Brooklyn Italian way: calamar...sounds like calamard...just no pronouncing of the 'i' at the end. I said this several times further proving my asshole capabilities AND my need to show that I know some shit.
In any case, that ish was damn TASTY!!! I think I eloquently said: if you pretty much deep fry anything, including dick, it's going in my mouth.
That folks, is why you trust my food critiques because my taste level is so high....and you know if I'd put it on a dick, then it's a must have...in your mouth.