Friday, August 28, 2009

The Place Where I Work: Le Fin...well here...well now.

All though we've come, to the ennnnnnnd of the rooooaaad- though in the temp world, I could be back here in a couple of weeks if I am not on another assignment or have a JOB.
....ALMOST filled a position here, but Candy came back alive.
At some point this afternoon, Candy AND Bourgeois Black Mama left the office. CFO was alarmed. He came to me, eyes wide, "did Candy and BBM finally decide to go off and kill each other??" I said I hope so, and he smirked, "then you'll have a permanent position here."
Then we both cackled. Yep, it was pretty awesome.
Unfortunately, Candy came back soon after that. We discussed how amazing I am, and how much she shall miss my 'secret smile' (whenever she walks by my desk and I am thinking about what I am going to write here because these people are crazy) and I how I thought I could get in with For The Fuck of It. She revealed that she finds MIT annoying-oh, he's OUT today. No tearful goodbyes or pangs of regret that he never took my bones. Its better this way.
Anywho, Candy finds MIT annoying because he is needy and BBM mothers him. BBM LOVES MIT, like she birthed him. We can't figure out why-and wait a minute...she likes me too!
Woah.
This could be because I am a temp- that is Candy's assumption. Candy feels that if I were permanent I would've felt the WRATH of BBM. Hmmm, sounds interesting.

....on a different note, I saw this dude laying the street yesterday with only pants on...playing with his dick tip (through his pants). Just laying all lazy like. I kinda wanted to be him. Hmmm...

So, The Dude has been sweet. He sliced up some apples because I couldn't have a muffin today...because I am going to try to eat my weight in BBQ-well not really, but I plan to eat a lot tonite!!! We shared an apple and some final laughs.

All in all, I am kinda glad to move on- OH the Asians in the Corner both let me know they are sad I am done here. Awww, who knew they knew I was ALIVE??!!
I shall miss the characters...and I never got in with FTFI or Vanilla Madelline, but its all for the best.
As long as there are Starbucks, offices in need of assistance and paychecks to be made...I'll be there! With sensible pumps and quiet observations!

Stay tuned next week when I return to the sexy AKA the soccer league. This is sure to be a treat!

Thursday, August 27, 2009

My Guide To Crushes/Dating by Me

Due to the 'success' of my previous 'How to's': How Not To Get Laid by Me and Why Am I Single?by Me (a way to answer people's pesky questions about why you don't have a mate)[I should link you to those hilarious yet informative posts, but that would involve me knowing how to link things-also may feel a certain kind of way about you NOT reading my shit! Hmmm], I decided to continue with my selflessness and create a guide to crushing (not Big Pun style, more the intense innocent like) and dating. Though I am no expert and should follow my own advice, I have come to an understanding that more likely than not I will live in the company of many cats and eventually marry one of the voices in my head.

Anyways, this is more about you and less about me (for once)!!

I will show you through my natural born wisdom (common sense) and observations of friends n' family, how to effectively handle crushing and dating without becoming scarred, bitter and psychotic!

1) The splendors of a crush!

Crushes are healthy. They add zest to life. I know if I don't have at least one crush going on, I feel kinda empty and full of gloom.:( Crushes are awesome. They can be fleeting and you can have as many as you want without the chance of disease. You don't have to put much thought into crushing because they just feel good! This is perfect for an over thinker like myself! Just going with a feeling that can either grow into something nice like a relationship...or something bad like OBSESSION!
Crushes make you feel like an eternal teenager-using the good parts like sweet awkwardness and clumsy blushing. This doesn't mean you ACT like a yougin' n' snap bra's or tell your friend to ask the guy if he likes you. That's fucked up.

Subsection A: A good way to insure that your sweet sweet crush doesn't land you in prison-because you stalked n' killed said crush- is to crush on many. Crush on celebs. Crush on your doctor, your Starbucks barista, the guy/gal you see on the subway every morning. Be easy. Don't get caught up with having to see this ONE person all the time to better insure not becoming OBSESSED.
Also note that crushes don't =relationship or that this person even cares that you're alive. You cannot force your crush to crush on you back. That would be crazy. If it does happen-naturally- then LUCKY YOU!

Subsection B: You can crush on celebs-they're EVERYWHERE- because that's what they're there for. For you to admire and want to screw with no consequences. They are groomed to look good, smell good and act like your mainline fantasy. Done and done....just don't get confused and think that when Justin Timberlake/Jessica Alba is on Letterman, and they look into the camera...that its some type of message to you. Its not. Unless you meet JT/JA in person and they have their assistant ask if you'd like to join them in VIP for some coke and oral- they REALLY don't know you're alive and pretty much only care if you are alive when they are promoting albums or movies.
...and its not like they'll care about you before/after/during the coke n' oral in VIP, its just that they know you exist and will soon forget you exist once their assistant has dragged you away.


2) Crush turns into strong like!

There is a point when you realize that you are really digging a person. Your tummy gets all tingly when you see them, you think about them randomly, you MySpace/Facebook stalk them, you bring them up to your friends randomly, and you wonder what it would be like to twist them out AKA have sex with them. Being a Gemini (master of logic not emotion, more 'masculine' than 'feminine'), I find it hard to be all vulnerable in the hands of feelings, so I have a step before like which I call being smitten with someone. It just means I like them, but don't want to because that would involve me caring and then eventually being disappointed. A cynical romantic-yes.I.am!

During this stage its important to remain NOT OBSESSED and come to a decision as to how to deal with the current status of your heart-awww. Here are some scenarios that should help you during this important/confusing time of liking someone and trying to figure out what to do:

-if you are already seeing someone or married, fall the fuck back! cheating is NOT COOL- have always felt you can choose to tell your mate pre-cheating, 'hey I wanna fuck somebody else, but I respect ya enough not to do it on your time'. if you are having INTENSE feelings for someone else, then you owe it to the one your with to really think about your next step. figure out if you can work it out with the one you're with or dump their ass and get with the dream! either way someone will get hurt-just make sure its all worth it...and not just cuz you wanna fuck somebody else.

-if the person you like is seeing someone else or married, fall the fuck back! don't be a home wrecker, that shit ain't cute. there are too many single, viable, lonely, ready n' willing to fuck you people out there. the only time you should matter to this person (the one you like that's in the relationship) is if they really like you back-just watch how they handle the relationship they're in because it'll show/tell a lot.
...and if you INSIST on GOING FOR YOURS, please note that karma is a bitch indeed!

-if the person you like is single and so are you, well now its time to SAC UP or...not. if you sense there is a possibility that they like you too...build on that. be easy. go with the flow. access how you want this person to fit in your life: just for fuckin', wife/hubby down, friendly fuckin', etc. GO FOR IT!!! confidence-not cockiness. charm n' wit-not 'please put it in me or please let me put it in you'.
if the person doesn't like you...like THAT or you never SAC UP- move the fuck on! continuing to dwell on a fruitless situation leads to OBSESSION and keeping you from meeting a person who is feeling you!

-when talking to the person you like you're bound to be nervous. its perfectly fine to have a good friend around or close by or just a text away to keep you in check. if you're like me you're bound to say something to fuck it all up! even with friends around I can fuck it up anyways-which is why I know its gonna be me and 10 cats in my future. at least two of them will be named bittles. bittles one and bittles two. one will be named ghostface killah and another bruce leroy.
hmmm...where was I? OH, yes. so always have someone around who cares about you and really wants you to get laid- its also good to have peeps around for that second opinion. perhaps your judgement is a tad clouded. outsiders aka friends can bring some things to light or keep you from becoming obsessed!

3) They like you back and now its time for that first date!

So, someone has sac'd up or you've realized you're both not psychotic and there's chemistry...doesn't matter HOW you got here, just know that you did and now you're about to embark on the first date. Sweet. Just remember this doesn't mean marriage, relationship or that you will continue to like this person or they you. Its best to go with flow and not have any expectations. Enjoy yourself. Enjoy interacting with another human being...and let it be. Hopefully you won't be too nervous, or that your nervousness will come across as cute. Actually, feeling nervous IS endearing. So many people are so suave n' cool or are used to having peeps on their jock...its nice to not be in control and have another person affect you like that.

Subsection A: Call me old fashioned, but a person should be asked out properly, i.e. via in person or by telephone. If you do it by text and you're above the age of 16 , you're wack- but that's just my opinion.

4) Now you're dating, woo hoo!!

*le sigh* Things are going swell. You have a new homie-lovah-friend and you/they haven't fucked it up. Continue to be easy-ladies wait till ring is purchased to start acting INSANE and proceed with lock.down.love and fella's one you purchase ring and put the ring on it (ugh) realize that life as you know it...will change drastically, but you have accepted that hence the cushion cut.:)
You're experiencing new things together and having great times. They still make your tummy tingly n' your palms sweat-hopefully this feeling stays for a while. You're on the same page and kinda know what you want and you're going for it. Live the dream!! You're so glad you took a chance and hope that you'll never hate this person even if you break up-awwww.

Subsection A: Let's say you're dating and things are cool, but you're not two bugs in a rug. The person may seem like they're dating other people-which they're allowed if you guys haven't discussed exclusivity. To keep yourself in check, you should date others too....or take up new hobbies or just occupy yourself. Do not hound the person you are dating or expect them to read your mind. If you feel like 'hey, I don't wanna see anybody else, boo'-then TELL THEM and see how it goes. If they don't feel the same then dust your shoulders off and try again...preferably with someone else. That's the amazing thing about life, do-overs are ENDLESS.

Subsection B: When dating and/or crushing on someone keep all fantasies about naming of children and wedding style to yourself or share with friends ONLY. The person you're dating may think that shit is cute-but deep down they are alarmed and so will begin the countdown to when you get kicked to the curb.
If these things are brought up mutually, then cautiously go for it...just appear nonchalant or like you've never discussed this with your friends. Protect your neck. Being a chick who has NEVER thought about her wedding-and from the looks of things won't have to- I don't have this problem. I do like naming children though...eeek.

I truly hope that my guide helps you through this journey called life. I hope everyone meets their match and is soooo happy they have NO TIME to piss me off!
That is truly living the dream!

The Place Where I Work: Nothing. Not A Thing

When I say it has been a NOTHING day. It truly has been a NOTHING day. This could be because I am distracted...distracted by the fact that after tomorrow, my assignment here is OVER! Obviously, I didn't hate the place, but the Gemini in me embraces change. I knew there would be an expiration date, so there's no shock factor or sadness.- I mean I was shocked I was here as long as I was. Also shocked that I didn't hate ONE person in this small office.-Again not like I go out of my way to hate people, but I have a low tolerance.
So, I've been in my own lil world. Not really interacting with folks-though I had another great chat with my Bourgeois Black Mama. We talked about being native New Yorkers, farmers markets and GAP sales.
My other agency called me about an interview next week, and the job sounds cool. Laid back, great pay. We shall see. We shall see.
I then spent the rest of he morning thinking about lunch. Thinking about lunch and listening to Jeru the Damaja. I soon notice that MIT-no lie-starts using more urban slang in his conversations that he has around my desk. I openly chuckle and go back into my own world.
The Asians in the Corner needed my help with something, so I worked on a project and then it was LUNCH TIME.
I got my eyebrows threaded. My eyes teared up because I am naturally bitch-made, but have toughened myself up(over the years).

After lunch, I am back here trying not to fall asleep at my desk. Trying. Luckily, I am awake enough to hear CFO threaten/flirt with The Dude. The Dude was giving him crap-as always- and CFO says he is going to put Madonna's 'Like A Virgin' as his (cell/blackberry/iPhone) ringtone. We all chuckle and then I resume staring off into space.
Candy comes to chit chat about muffins...which makes me want one, so I go into the pantry and there are chocolate chip muffins! Mmmmmm! I grab one and watch as The Dude slices an apple yet looks longingly at my muffin. I smirk and go back to my desk hoping that chewing will keep me awake.
For the Fuck of It notices my quiet yet pensive demeanor and proceeds to talk about his grandchildren and show pics. This is enjoyable and keeping my head from hitting the desk. Since my time here is up, I say to him: you're a winner. He smiles at me awhile and says: I know.:)

One more day, folks. One more day.

***THIS JUST IN***
Okay, this MAY have made my day. They say its all about the magic YOU can make yourself.
Sent this email to Candy-note that I needed to use the copier she was using:

Subject: Um....
its not so much that the machine is out of paper, more like something is up with the feeder. I opened it up to take a look, then realized I didn't care THAT much.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

The Place Where I Work: The Meat Experience

THEY DO come back. Always. I wanna say something cheap like:once you go black you always go back....or taste o' honey makes you wanna spend money-hmmm, that made no sense.
....you get where I'm going with this. Basically, anything you can think of involving why even when they've had enough...they still want more of the Honey T. Ah! I spoke in the third person-am feeling slightly tool-y today. Sorry.
All day MIT has been trying to get back in my good graces. Its been smiles, needless chit-chat, lunch offerings-him offering to get me Greek food because he always gets Greek on Wednesday's because that's when they serve lamb...
***sidebar***
So he orders from the Greek spot-or has Candy order for him- and instead of lamb gyro meat, he gets lamb kabob. This sends him into a frenzy, and I begin tallying up the many moments I had to physically refrain from saying ANYTHING-literally had to hold my lips CLOSED! MIT is all like they sent me the wrong MEAT! He realizes he is being high maintenance, but calls them back and asks for the right meat. Tally #1: I wanted to say: you know they are going to skeet in your food, right? Instead, I stared at him all wide eyed and fidgety-which in nerd land means I am in love with him, so he gave me a BEAMING smile and continued talking about how he can't go through the day eating the wrong meat.
After eating the right lamb dish, he comes to chat with BBM and I. He just goes on and on about how different the kabob meat is from the gyro meat. That the gyro meat is moist-just how he likes it. Tally#2: I wanted to say: Ah, so you like your meat moist...by your own saliva or....
Instead, I literally held my mouth shut and looked away. He looked at me funny, and came over to investigate, but I explain it's what I do when I number crunch-he sees my Gmail page up, and I just shrug.
***sidebar out***
I refuse lunch, but am gracious about it (because I LOVE Greek food). This is when For The Fuck of It strolls by and is all like heyyyyyyyy. We chat about the US Open and the fact that we can see the expedition games from his office. He invites MIT and I to watch it. We do, and it was lovely. FTFI invited his daughter and grandson up, and introduced me by NAME. Didn't think he knew it. They were really nice and his grandson wasn't bratty! Very cute. MIT was cute with FTFI's grandson- I was alarmed at first, but the kid liked him...which says a lot.
....or that the kid is INSANE TOO.

The Dude has been out a few days, seems he was in the Hamptons with the wife. Awww. I asked him how yachting was. He chuckled and said they took the 10footer out. He talked about his first water skiing experience-which was hilarious because he ended up skis in the air and water in the face. The Dude will always be cool in my book. Always.
Though MIT doesn't like it when we joke around, which I think is the leading cause to him being so 'affectionate' towards me, forgetting all about his beloved Candy.
I think FTFI came back around because he can visualize me as a daughter-in-law. I think its my 1940's inspired summer dress and heels. I look classy, seductive-yet presentable to your (his)great Aunt Martha who had a colored girl name Lucy who used to pick up things around the house for her.
I appreciate the fact that MIT is dying to share a...meat experience...with me, but I've only got 2 days left and have held out this long! Keep fingers crossed for San Diego!!

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

The Place Where I Work: Everbody Loves Candy

Now here's a lil story that must be told about two chicks in my office that don't get along...
It is so FREAKIN' REAL with Bourgeois Black Mama and Candy! REAL! They don't even make an effort to be civil to each other! Its beyond the silent treatment and cold shoulder, its the blatant ignore and look of disdain if their eyes happen to fall upon each other.
Normally, I would play the role of 'child de divorcee parents'- you know the go-between. Trying to help everyone get along. Bring them together in laughter-at my expense. Bat my eyes and get all innocent so they have to work together to help...
I would be doing all this if I.gave.a.fuck! I don't know what it is about today, but I hate the world!-this could be because my eyes opened at 2AM and couldn't go back to sleep till about 5:45AM....my alarm goes off at 6:30Am...so one can understand my feelings of intense hatred of all things good, bad n' in between.
The stalled train ride into work didn't help either.

So, I get here and its the Ice Age...yet weird because every one's excited to have Candy back. Aww she was missed by MIT, For The Fuck of It, the Asians that work in the corner AND CFO-who brought her lunch (bah humbug). I also informed Candy that the FedEx, UPS and mail person missed her as well. This prompted her to tell me how she thinks the mail person (a female) is a lesbian and wants to get with her and that the FedEx dude asked her out to lunch. I was about to say something subtly rude- because my mouth is like that when I am tired grumpy...but then Candy informed me that she is glad to be back at work to get her mind off of thangs. Her dog died of cancer-awwwww- even I can't hate on that. So, I said some kind words...told her she was missed and went back to my desk before I said something hateful.
When I got back to my desk, I realized that BBM was giving me major 'tude. Oh man. The thing is, BBM can't help but *heart* me, so she gets over it soon and we are back to being cool. Awww.

...seriously though, I am not a jealous person- I pretend, but I am not, it involves too much energy that could be used to procure ice cream or have good times. Can't help but feel a certain way though about how CFO's eyes light up when he's around Candy and how even MIT is gigglin'. FTFI was the kicker when he exclaimed how MUCH everyone missed her- like I am a horrific BEAST!
May have squinted my eyes and slowly shook my head with disapproval as FTFI walked by me afterwards. He put his head down...almost like he was sorry...that I HEARD!!
MIT is dead to me. DEAD. He was gigglin' and all normal acting with Candy! Bleah.
Am just done with this office- perhaps because I really will be done at the end of this week!

....now mama didn't raise no fool! All the while seeming to charm the New York office, I've been making fast friends via email, in the San Diego office. Am hoping that they REALLY fall under my charms and request that I come to work with them IMMEDIATELY.
To which I'll say, YESSSSSSSSSS.
Then they'll explain how I am being put up in a beach-front condo, fully furnished with eclectic trinkets because they have a sense of my amazing style.
I'll explain that I don't know how to drive.
They'll say, no worries that they'll provide a chauffeure driven (charcoal gray a la Jigga) Maybach to get me around...even on weekends.
I'll miss my fam, but they'll understand!!
Just have a few more days for my plans to come to fruition...in the meantime, my other agency called and said the soccer company wants me back-they always do.

Monday, August 24, 2009

The Place Where I Work: BACON!

Don't know what it is about today, but I just feel...*sigh* quiet. Troubled by deep thoughts. Deeper than my usual thoughts about cheeseburgers, shoes, dudes and butter cream frosting. One would think I was preggers or something because along with this less than lively yet glowing exterior, I've been craving brioche bread and bacon something wicked!
(This has nothing to do with work-yet, but I am getting there and its been a SLOW day....due to my ho-hum personality)
I thought I was done with my bacon craving after Thursdays lunch which consisted of a turkey burger with lettuce n' cheese...n' bacon!! Mmm. Mmm!
Then on Saturday, I was brunching with a friend and I was having a hard time deciding what to feast on. Do I eat the meal that comes with brioche or somehow get brioche on the side??
Luckily my waiter was very helpful-and mainly because he wanted to put it in me. I've said this before, that I rarely believe a dude is into me. This cannot be explained- I mean I am confident enough-but I just don't see it till the cock is...on my shoulder, which is what the waiter did.
So I am asking his opinion about what I should order and explaining my crazy craving for brioche and bacon. This was kinda uncomfortable because he was standing so close to me...and his crotch was at my shoulder level...and I had to look up into his face with the denim covered schlong so close to me. Like if I jutted out my chin I'd be hitting him in the dick. Woah.
He was helpful though, and we decided on the brioche french toast with a side of bacon- nothing makes me more giddy than covering my bacon with syrup...something about the salty n' the sweet.
The waiter wasn't nearly as friendly to my friend, nor did he stand so close. I asked her if she noticed how close his cock was to my shoulder, but she hadn't because she was buttering her biscuit...this is why we are friends.
So, the waiter comes to check on us. More so me. He stands too close again. He tells me I made the PERFECT choice and that I chose his favorite brunch dish...he also adds that I have good taste. When he finally leaves the table without performing cunnilingus on me- my friend is laughing hysterically and agrees that he wants to put.it.in.me!
We hurried out before any penetration took place.

So today, Monday, I am kinda quiet (I think its the many stages of having a crush- NO not MIT), and having deep thoughts about bacon. I'm trying to figure out where this is all coming from since I am not a pork eater and make turkey bacon at home!
....though this weekend when I made breakfast with the turkey bacon, it was like them vampires on TrueBlood drinking that synthetic blood drink. I wanted the REAL THANG!
CFO is back, and normally I would be elated, but I am like whatevs. He notices and still tries to make me chuckle.
MIT is staying in his lane, but I am in no mood for him. He tries to strike up a convo, but I just shoo him away.
BBM is loving my look today-shift dress and the hair is curly (I didn't spend hours straightening like last week just to have humidity come and ruin my hair!! this week there's no humidity though because ...this is my life yo). She is glum about Candy coming back from vacay tomorrow, but is glad I am still here. She was telling me about taking her youngest daughter back-to-school shopping. She is starting her first year of college-an exciting time! The daughter may be going to Brown or Boston College. I voted for Brown since I know a ton of peeps who went there and they are all cool. Plus, she would be able to take classes at RISD too! The daughter wants to curate her own art gallery. Awww. I remember what it felt like to have dreams. Good times.

The rest of the day is pretty ho-hum because I am not in the office social mood. MIT's arms are flailing because he is having computer issues-all that geek porn....or the fact that he is photoshopping my bones wearing flip-flops....or that he is photoshopping my head on that robot from Short Circuit's body!! HA! I crack myself up!

Friday, August 21, 2009

The Place Where I Work: Its Me, Defintely Me

Should have known when I saw the 'heroin nodder' in Starbucks AGAIN, that today would be a good day. You see, I saw him yesterday and yesterday was a good day...so....

First, the people who came in today (there were 7 of us) all dressed down because none of the BIGWIGS were in. Every one's style-down was fitting! Here's a rundown:

-Bourgeois Black Mama wore well tailored jeans, with a print tee that looked expensive and Prada slide-ons.
-MIT wore a short sleeved polo, jeans and flip-flops.
-Typical Movie Admin wore sad oatmeal colored DRAWSTRING CARGO pants and a v-neck tee tucked in...with a pair of white n' grey New Balances.
-The Dude wore khaki cargo shorts, a short sleeved polo and leather loafers-no socks. HOLLA!!!

....there are two others, but I haven't introduced them...because they are neither here nor there. Good people, but no stories.

Do you understand how FITTING all the outfits were????? If you understand it, then you'll see why I think I need to check myself before I wreck myself.
Yesterday, I feel I went overboard with the being loved thing. Perhaps my ego should be checked too. These people don't wanna be my best friend, they are just being friendly! Need to calm down and shake things up around here so that when BBM offs Candy, they'll give me her job!
Yeah folks, the feelings of hatred are mutual. Candy doesn't like BBM and BBM thinks Candy is ghetto n' classless...and I still don't care because I am here for the paycheck. BBM wants to find a way to oust Candy and have me takeover, but that will be hard since CFO and Vanilla Madeline *heart* her.
Its a tricky thing.
BBM was so offended with the thought of ANYBODY thinking Candy and I look alike. I found her contempt hilarious. Aww BBM!

....since I've decided to ease up on the pushing peeps away, I chatted with The Dude about going yachting...since he looked like he was about to captain a boat. He got a kick out of that and appreciated my hatred. He then called on me to make fun of MIT for wearing flip flops. Good times. I helped BBM and MIT hang photo's HE TOOK in his office-not bad. I then suggested he paint a nude mural of VM. This got a chuckle out of BBM and caused a look of fear on MIT's face-perhaps I unleashed a fantasy he's had?
There were talks of lunch involving The Dude and MIT, but I had to run a few errands, so it was a no go.
Next time...maybe.

A Few Things...

-Project Runway is back. It’s the usual and I was bored.
Saw NOTHING remotely exciting-perhaps I have seen it all. Hmmm.
The contestants are all the same: gays, freaks, old with a dream, straight men who love women’s bods, etc.
Have a new one to add…EX METH HEAD!! I like the new addition. I didn’t like that he cried through most of episode and felt he couldn’t make it because of all the pressure and pressure= METH RELASPE!!!!!!!Thank HOV for Tim Gunn and thank Lifetime for the touching moment that made me cringe…and then question my love for mankind.
Am I a heartless cynical harpy???
No, I am bitch who says: BUCK. THE.FUCK.UP…and also realizes this was a ploy for a plot. That and close-ups o f La Hohan- Lindsay Lohan’s slightly constipated confused expressions…were supposed to rouse viewership.
I was bored. BORED!
The All Star challenge before the premiere was FAR more exciting…even though Korto was ROBBED. Daniel DID make ONE exceptional dress and I was not surprised by his win….BUT come the eff on. Korto has been consistently FABULOUS since day ONE! I would wear ANYTHING that woman made, and she makes clothes for EVERY WOMAN.
Well, every woman with taste.
THEN. THEN! The Project Runway spinoff about the models was so boring, I’d rather watch a repeat of that boring premier of Runway again- dude I’d rather watch that atrocious crap The Fashion Show (Bravo’s Costco replica of Project Runway) with Isaac Mizrahi (my love) and Kelly Rowland (at least she’s not singin’)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

- Humidity sucks. Hurricane weekends suck when you planned on going to the beach for tan maintenance so that I look less anemic in November!

- I’ve decided to change my DJ name from Twist-Out to Tefnut AKA the Egyptian goddess of dryness AND moisture. Perfecto for my Gemini nature. Also similar to Prince’s ‘Soft n’ Wet’….’cept I make ya dry AND moist. Hmmm. Anywho, thanks to BrooklynKat for nerdin’ out on that one and enabling me to find the greatest.DJ.name.EVER!!!

...also when I typed in 'meth head' for a pic, I got this gem: http://i114.photobucket.com/albums/n275/wingman19/BeavisTheMethHead.jpg...sadly, I realized I must look like a meth head because this is what happens to my face when I am around or ingest ORANGES!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! (my eyebrows don't suck though).
I felt better when a pic of Fergie also came up when I Google imaged 'meth head'. HAHAHHAHAHA!!!

Thursday, August 20, 2009

The Place Where I Work: Its Not You, Its Me

Miss Jackson said it best..."let's wait awhile...before we go too far..."
Should have heeded her advice, but of course I didn't.
Instead, I allowed for MIT and I to go further-i.e. yesterday and our food/'sex' experience.
Too much, too soon.
Now, he and The Dude want to have lunch with me. Doesn't he understand that I have lunch buddies (who are REAL friends) already and am not trying to chill with these peeps like that?
In the office world, they are characters in the daily show of life that earns me money but gets no air time....but in real life, that would mean having a real conversation and real possible death/cloning for me.
MIT didn't do the Shake Shack at the Mets game yesterday (he did BlueSmoke instead which is great as well!!) because he thinks The Dude, he and I should all go to the one in Madison Park (which is kinda a trek from the office).
I may have smiled and mumbled something about the line being too long or me being scared that I would be double teamed by death- and then went back to my desk to work on a project involving spreadsheets and numbers.

This is kinda how I am with guys I like-in REAL life- where I get all flirty n' playful and once they show an interest I am like...wait- who? Me? ....and I get all bashful and idiotic.
Its really sad.
Though this time its not about me liking the peeps here like that, its just that I have them in this special place. They are my daily office characters. I see them from 9-5:30. I go home and don't think about them till the next time I am in the office.
If I start having lunch with The Dude and MIT...what's next? Tea with Bourgeois Black Mama and Typical Movie Admin? Am I really going to boat with Older Matt Damon? Will I go shopping at Joyce Leslie with Candy purchasing pleather leggings and bra tops?

**sidebar** Speaking of Candy, I happen to be up front when the mail was delivered. Candy is on vacay. The mail person was like oh you're not Candy! I said nope. Then they said that I looked like her though.
-pause-
WHAT THE FUCK??!!!
Not for nothing, but Candy and I look NOTHING alike. NOTHING. Only similarity is that we are both tall, Black, and female. That is it. Not to say Candy isn't attractive, but we look NOTHING alike. Its the whole 'we' all look a like thing-which the mail person, being an Asian woman wouldn't like if I said she looked JUST like Jackie Chan.
Not cool.
Also...I happened to glance at Candy's phone and there is a speed dial set for someone named Diamond. I'm just sayin'.
**sidebar out**

So, no. I don't intend on having any of these people become a part of my life. I don't think they're horrible, but I like my anonymity...plus what IF we do happy hour and I let it slip that I blog. DoubleDeuce AKA my editor would have me by the BALLS! (if I had any)

THEN. THEN! I went for my afternoon crack attack AKA Starbucks fix and asked if anybody wanted anything because I am nice like that. TMA wanted something and because my SB Crew loves them some Honey T, they gave me a sweet discount-even on her drink.
I go to give her her change-which she didn't expect- and I explained what happened...and may have said that they love me down there. The Dude heard this and was like of course they do...EVERYONE loves you (non-sarcastic).
Then BBM and MIT wanted me to help them with decorating idea's for MIT's office.
Its like they're accepting me...and want me to be part of them...and I am getting like Dave Chappelle's version of Daylon (formerly of Diddy's Making The Band crap- I mean show) and flailing my arms going: too close, too close!!

Everyone back away from the honey colored woman. Let's resume small talk and typical awkward office behavior. Resume treating me as the lowly temp. Do not be taken in by my sparkling personality. Do not want to have lunch with me. Do not expect too much from me because I've been here before and this is for the best.
Don't make this harder than it needs to be.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

The Place Where I Work: Fam-Lay

Its all love-love today.
I got love from my Starbucks Crew. Love from the guard downstairs. Love from my Bourgeois Black Mama....and LOVE from MIT.
This is all BIG because I've been a zombie most of the day. I blame lack of sleep and I blame my lack of sleep on being tired, but unable to fall asleep till late.
This could all be solved by a good twist out or 599 Egyptian cotton high thread count sheets...but you know how that goes.

I entered the office today, forgetting yesterday-because that's what I do, leave work at work. So, when I saw MIT, I forgot that we were having a 'fight'...or something. I decided to be the bigger person and say good morning.
I got a good morning back -his voiced cracked which was cute-but no smile. Awww. Guess he still needed time. No matter. Would use this morning to bond more with For The Fuck of It so that I can get with a male member of his family, and I can live the FTFI lifestyle too!
...FTFI runs every morning and even did the NY half marathon the other day. We discussed my muffin eating and lack of running...then The Dude entered the convo. He told us about this amazing tapas place he ate at in the West Village. The Dude is a foodie too, so we relished in the menu and what he ate. I looked to FTFI to see if he would say, 'hey we should try this place, I'll invite my twenty-thirty something grandson who happens to resemble Justin TImberlake/ Adrien Brody/Jake Gyllenfuck and we'll make a night of it!' To which I would reply, 'yes, yes a million times yes!!'.
Unfortunately, that didn't happen. He seemed excited to try the place though.

The Dude and I then discussed our favorite food sites. We chatted about places we've tried, places we want to...all the while I could feel the heat of anger emanating from MIT's office. No, I wasn't trying to make him jealous...cannot help that I can hold a conversation and that I love food. Oh well. BBM had enough of our tension. She says something to break the ice and get us all laughing-like good mama's do- she calls MIT on being moody and he chuckles. After that, it was all love n' smiles between us. I guess he realized with my limited time here he had better ACT RIGHT! BBM let him know!!

Since we (MIT and I) were back on, we discussed him going to a Mets game later (because he got free tickets, the ONLY reason to go...oh and Shake Shack). He explained that was why he was eating a salad because he planned on going IN at the game. I told him I was jealous because he would be able to have Shake Shack.
He asked what Shake Shack was. This was when we had sex for the first time.
Calm down.
Nothing transpired on his desk or mine, but as I described the ecstasy that is those burgers n' shakes...and the way you bite into a 'shroom burger and the cheese just oozes out- the look on his face said it all: I.Just.Messed.My.Pants.
I didn't realize my voice had went all sultry-its how I get about the food yo- and low. I didn't realize I was curving my body against his office door jam....but by the time I came back from my food reverie and saw the way he was looking at me- I may not know when a dude is feeling me (ever), but I do know when they wanna put.it.in!
He wanted to repeatedly.
I said something about needing to go to lunch and he thanked me for the ...heads up...about Shake Shack.

When I got back to my desk, I was all red faced and slightly panting.
Not bad for the first time, not bad at all.

Needless to say, MIT and I are good...and before my time is up here, he really will attempt cloning me because he'll be in luuuurve. :P

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

The Place Where I Work: Relations

You know how I don't wanna know/don't care what this company does- mostly because I am sure it will piss me off and go against something I believe in, but I am not that self righteous and enjoy making money to spend......
Anwyho, Older Matt Damon enlists the help of MIT and The Dude to come up with a name for a company that wants to distribute antibiotics. I didn't want to know THAT much, but couldn't help but be intrigued by the process of coming up with a name. OMD came up with two by using Italian words for something medical..shortening them and adding an -ic, -ology, -couldpossiblyshrinkyourspleen.
OMD was very gung ho-I enjoy his enthusiasm. MIT definitely nerded out a lil and The Dude seemed pretty blase`, but chose one that sounded like an Italian restaurant he ate at once- I REALLY appreciated that reasoning. I could hear MIT staring at him and OMD chuckled heartily.
In the end, I don't know what they chose because I grew bored and needed to bond more with my office momma...

Also known as Bourgeois Black Mama...you know the one Candy thought I wouldn't like or that she wouldn't like me.
Again, I could see where Candy got that impression, but in the end my genuine likability and not trying too hard mentality makes it hard for anyone to resist. :)
BBM loves me.!
She even looks at me with admiration. She's even mentioned how I remind her of her children- see see!!! She is sweet and helpful. We joke around. She compliments me.
Its a sweet office mother-daughter relationship. Cannot wait till she gives me her grandmothers pearls to wear to my debut- though I am too old for a debut, she'll feel its the only way for me to meet a suitable companion. *sigh*

...Speaking of RELATIONSHIPS. Its come to my attention that I am IN ONE with...wait for it...MIT!!!!
*gasp*
It all started this morning as we began the day with a chat about making coffee. I don't know how to make it. He does and was sharing some tips. I told him he didn't have to because as long as there is a Dunkin' Donuts/Starbucks/SPoT Coffee (BUFFALO)- I won't NEED to make it.
As you can see, this was a NICE non-creepy convo. Even found his New England accent charming.
We spent most of the morning being sweet. Smiles and nods. All good.
Then something happened-okay...maybe this HOT. I mean HOT computer consultant type came in and made me stop mid sentence as I was talking to MIT.
Usually, when at work, I don't allow the fine sac to hypnotize me (no mo')....but this dude was spectacular. When he saw me he stopped what he was saying to say hello. I was flattered and MIT was miffed. He mentioned something about continuing our conversation when he got back from lunch...and I half listened as I watched the beautiful man some more...who for some reason was watching me too.
Perhaps I was drooling on my shirt...
The beautiful man comes and goes. He is sure to say goodbye to me and hoped that he'd see me soon. I hoped so too. So dreamy....-

Then MIT comes back and I notice the 'murder' is back in his eyes. Uh oh.
This morning it was lollipops n' chicken wings...and now it was scalpels and flesh incisions.
Being the good....uh...girlfriend...I guess....I try to smooth things over by asking him about something work related.
He snaps at me. I am like woah-literally I say woah and walk away.
A while later I am on my way to grab a bottle of water from the pantry and almost bump RIGHT into him- we both apologize- no smiles or nods though. Hmmm.
I know there is still...'love' there because he was pacing in his office-door open- with his headset on and suddenly he would stop and stand in a spot in the office where I couldn't see him...and peek around to look at me. The two times I caught him, he crossed his arms and resumed pacing.

That all spells out that I am in an office relationship, and in his socially awkward way he still cares. Awww.
What MIT must realize is that sure I'll look, but I'll NEVER touch! Office relationships are similar to REAL LIFE relations in that aspect...except in office relations, you can't touch each other either. Its the makings of a relationship...without any relating. Hmmm.

Sellout.

Not everything that comes out of my mouth is complete nonsense. Hard to believe, but its true. Sometimes the things I say become movements, or words to live by. Sometimes they inspire and most of the time they offend...

A few summers ago, I stood amongst a group of friends and stated ever so eloquently, "I deem this the summer of the White boy." We all chuckled- there I go again with my usual antics, but this White boy summer thing-though half assed- has stuck!
Do I ever bag a White guy (or any guy for that matter) during the summer? No.
Do I throw myself at only White men (or any men for that matter) during the summer? No.
So, why do I continue with this funny yet fruitless charade? Because I can...and its my way of letting White dudes know- hey, its okay. I won't bite.

I've always been one who felt that people should date whomever-though I understand why some stay within their own race. I get the Black-White thing and all its hang-ups, but I feel that EVERYONE is fucked up. So, if you can find someone who's a good person and wants to treat you well, but happens to be a different race...do you!
Have always felt this way about my friends, why not dudes?
The funniest thing is that people think I only date White guys! When I ask why-they say its because I just seem like the type. Wow.

A few years ago this would've sent in me into a tailspin. Ever since I can remember my Black-ness (or lack thereof) has been questioned, poked at, disemboweled and commented on. People had me thinking it was ME, when really, it was them.
Once I came into my own and realized that like Eve-I do what they can't do, I just do me- I moved on with my life and had NOTHING to prove.
....What people who think I only date White men fail to realize is that:

a) I'm too light(complexioned) to matter-meaning that if they (White dudes)brought me home it wouldn't have the same impact as would say...a chick with Lauryn Hills complexion. Not saying that White men only date Black women as a slap in the face to their parents, but I am just saying they like to know that they are dating a Black woman and no one will question it.
With me, there will be questions and crosses may not be burned on the front lawn. Where's the fun/fight in that??!!

b) I've been told this many times...and I laugh every.single.time, that I have a 'Latina shape' . I'd like to think I get it from my mama (definitely not my dads side, they are odd shaped and all boobs) or that I have a Black woman's shape. My ass, hips and thick shapely legs appeal to the Black and Latin male. White men (who aren't on the Jon B. tip *wink wink*) will think I am overweight...possibly fat. Not all, but most. This doesn't get me any closer to them Abercrombie & Fitch briefs.

c) My limited dating experience goes like this: Black, Mixed (Black n' White, Black n' Latino), Asian, Latino....and *drum roll* Irish, and Italian (does that count??). I have yet to conquer the always desired Blasian, but I'm sure my day will come.
...This is all to say that though I seem like I go in deep with the White meat...sadly this hasn't been the case.

This could all change very soon, or end up like last summer and the summers before, and I will not bag a tanned White guy and shall enter the Fall slightly disheartened.
OH! I think I designated Blasians for the Fall anyways...so things could be looking up...but I don't bag those either...*le sigh*.

***this was written tongue-in-cheek...my usual. it was also a response to feeling unloved-nobody seems to want a somewhat normal ambiguously black chick. dudes want latina's, asian's and whatever exotic blend is in the video's. so, i had to take matters into my own hands and have seasonal dudes. someday it will catch on.***

Monday, August 17, 2009

The Place Where I Work: No Darker Than Peanut Brittle

Monday's aren't usually fun days, but this one was chock-full of excitement.
It begins with my introduction to all that is Bourgeois Black Mama or BBM. She would be the woman returning from vacation this week- the one Candy was interested in me meeting. Candy may be in for a sad surprise when she walks in and we've used her desk to house all our shopping bags from Saks and Bloomies.
BBM is that old money type. I picture us-she as my BBM- vacationing at the Vineyard with other elite Black folk. When I try to bring home an Idris Elba type-i.e. dark complexioned and not from money-she tells me she likes milk chocolate bunnies NOT milk chocolate babies!!
I will sadly disappoint her though because I will wind up with a White guy who's a musician-its my destiny.
So yeah, I see the potential in BBM being a bit much, but I think she sees eyed me enough to realize that though I am pleasant, I will choke an older bitch out!- OH and her voice. OMG! She has that 'I've been smoking 18 packs a days since birth' voice. I LOVE IT!
BBM and I are going to be good.

Not as good as Vanilla Madeline and I though. We were giggling together in the pantry because he couldn't decide what to snack on and he's trying to be good. Aww. We chit chatted about the weekend...and he loves my hair. I washed it and spent an hour n' a half straightening it then adding body curls. So its this thick long mass of fabulous-kinda like I have tresses. BBM approves.
VM is replacing CFO for me this week-humor wise. I'm telling you...soon he will be buying me cocktails and then I'll have to stay at his crib in Soho because I am so tipsy ...then he gives me his black card to buy an outfit for work the next day. Anthropologie all the way- they have the best dresses and VM likes me in dresses. He'll also allow me to go to the salon to get a good blow out because he likes my hair out n' luscious.
I'll oblige him...it'll be tough though because I hate shopping, but I'll somehow pull-through.

MIT has been keeping his distance AND he's been pleasant. I don't trust him though and come midweek the other shoe will drop.

Got caught up in Older Matt Damons baby blues. I laughed to myself when I heard him telling the South African that he went boating on a lake last week and had the best time! He also enjoyed great seafood. Kinda like my fantasy where I went boating with he and his family-just a matter of time!
Typical Movie Admin is stepping her wardrobe game up. Perhaps because OMD is back. ....though when she came back from lunch she complained that she got sun burnt-she is very pale-just from sitting outside for a lil bit. I joked about this happening to me, but felt bad because IT REALLY happened to her. Oh poor poor TMA. OMD won't notice anyways.

Friday, August 14, 2009

The Place Where I Work:Nothing Is Ever Really Free

What I love most about truth-besides the simplicity of it- is that more often than not, it is better than fiction.
One of my personal truths that I am burdened with is that even when I am wrong, I am right. It sounds arrogant and insane, but it is true.
You see, I was both wrong and right about MIT. Right to think that he wants to know me, break me down and then duplicate my bones. I was wrong about the murdering part. That would be too common and less fun for him.
Our day and a half 'lovefest' came to a halt late yesterday afternoon.
The office space is pretty open, and then the peeps with offices have wooden doors and beside the door is a long glass pane-this enables one to peek in or out of the office if need be. Where I sit, I am not so visible unless you're really looking. Still out in the open, but able to blog about these peeps in peace.
So....yesterday I am typing up some type of communication or maybe I was g-mailing...anywho, my Brooklyn eyes were on alert. Just had a feeling that I was being watched. Immediately I turn to look at MIT's office-because this was a familiar strange feeling, like most of the times I've caught him staring. Okay...sit down...and get ready for this...
He is in his closed office, with his headset on-probably on some conference call- standing at the long glass pane and STARING at me.
I turn away immediately feeling a mix of things: scared, turned on, skeeved out.
Turned on because MIT is really good looking. Like the hair cut has filled out a little. He is wearing better shirts-perhaps the ones he specially ordered from London because CFO suggested it (have I mentioned that I *heart* CFO...more on him later though)- and we've been having cool, less creepy conversations.
I realize now that he was making me feel safe. Breaking down my Brooklyn (cautious) barriers. Then when he CFO, Candy and The Dude (another person I will introduce later) go out for happy hour...and he offers to walk me to the train station because a lady shouldn't walk alone so late at night and then I turn up in his personal lab locked in a glass box weak because I am being cloned, I'll say to myself 'I KNEW IT!'.
So, I am back on guard...especially since next week he and I will be working together again! Wish me luck- and again if you don't hear from me tell Ice-T (have a feeling this will be a Special Victims Unit type of thang) to check all the labs in the tri-state area!

So, who is The Dude? The Dude AKA That Guy, is a typical dude. He tells dude jokes. He's laid back. We stalk each other desks around lunch time because we always have the good eats. We talk sports. He tries to normalize MIT a little, but I'm afraid only therapy and someone with a robot glove could control MIT.
The Dude strolls over to Candy's desk while CFO and I were up there discussing hair-more specifically the haircut he (CFO) got because he is on vacation next week (am sad) and Candy's bad weave upkeep. Yes, the conversation was as amazing as it seems. CFO and I don't know anything about weaves, but I gave Candy my stylist's number because he may have suggestions. I have deemed Candy worthy of seeing the deity that is my hair stylist. She and I are thick as office thieves.
Anywho, so The Dude strolls over and lets CFO know that he can't join in on the 'last day the intern's here lunch'. Here is the conversation verbatim because my mind won't let me forget shit like this.

The Dude: Since I can't go to lunch today, you should take me out for lunch next week.
CFO: I'm on vacation next week-besides is next week your last week here?
The Dude: No, but I want a free lunch.
CFO: You want me to take you to lunch?
The Dude: Pretty much. I'll wait till you get back.
CFO: You know what that means if I take you to lunch-
The Dude: I know. Sacrifices must be made for a nice free lunch...
CFO: Nice? I wouldn't exactly call it a sacrifice-just as long as you know what getting a lunch from me entails.
The Dude: I'm down. My wife will understand.

...and scene.

CFO and I had a mental conversation/understanding that I wouldn't mention the free lunch I had with him yesterday- that involved no ass play. This could also be because I am not a dude.

Candy and CFO have been trying to guess my age. They said when they look at me I seem younger, but when they speak to me they know I'm older...but not old-old because I've got sass. (Sass, class and a whole lotta assssssssssss) I don't know why my age was relevant, but MIT seemed to have an interest. Probably listening out because as women age our bones deteriorate.
MIT was also interested when Candy asked what kind of guys I liked- the ones that are breathing-OOOOOOOOOO! HA!
I think I mentioned nerdy types-but not socially awkward/inept- of course MIT was lingering about and smiled to himself when he heard nerdy, but then made direct eye contact with me when I said the socially awkward thing. Since I know he won't murder me, I am playing fast n' loose.
He put his head down and went back into his office. This whole scene gave Candy a case of the giggles.
...and I exited stage left.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

The Place Where I Work: The Embrace

Bear with me. I am cruising on only a few hours sleep so I am liable to speak crazy truths or fall asleep as I type this.
Why am I so tired?
Well kids, when you get older, going out during a work week becomes a luxury few of us can handle. Those few like myself who enjoy HOURS of sleep. If I could sleep for fourteen hours a day, I would, but then I would miss out on things like life...and Top Chef.
So today I loaded up on caffeine, put on some extra eye makeup and puffed out my chest-ready for battle.
Not like its a battle here...this is the most laid back, chill, non-dramatic office I have ever worked at. Sure I wouldn't mind sleeping in, but I also don't mind coming in.

I have a guard in the lobby who asks me to marry him daily, today he must've noticed the look of 'not today' and just hit my floor for me. I said thank you and sluggishly sipped my iced coffee.
Then first thing (upon entering the office), I bump into MIT. I get a smile and non-awkward 'good morning'. His haircut is even growing on me. We chit chat. I find out he is going to check out the Frank Lloyd Wright exhibit at the Guggenheim tonight.
I think he will enjoy it-but seriously, we were having a normal conversation. No weirdness. No murderous plots. He was quite nice and now I fear a crush will develop on my end, but crushes are healthy-work relations I am not down with.
The ole 'don't shit where you eat' kinda thing.-BUT I am a temp you say, and I would respond I'll be over him an hour after I leave the office on my last day because that's how I roll. Lust 'em and leave 'em....unless they put a t-bone on it-in lieu of a ring because I likes to eat.
....They also keep extending my time here, which I am not complaining about. So, who knows if I'll ever leave.
Got an email account set up-no MIT hasn't written me any steamy emails...yet.
My agency called and made sure I was cool with staying, AND they were thankful that I am representing so well because this company is a new client. If by representing they mean showing up and trying to establish long term companionship's with wealthy gay men...then yes. I am doing a FANTASTIC job.
CFO treated me to lunch today. We had Italian. I had porcini ravioli and he had a salad. I *heart* him and he me because I bring no drama and am good at what I do-which is looking like I am doing something. Looking damn GOOD while looking like I am doing something. That's the key.
This brings me to a guy I'll call Possible Douche AKA PD. He gets this name because upon first glance and convo he appears to be a douche. Then you get to talking to him-like say this morning while he washes off his morning snack of blueberries (he's a vegetarian which may be another reason why I wasn't feelin' him) and he blows your mind with how cool he is. Mostly, I think PD picks n' chooses who he's douche-y to. For instance, TMA (Typical Movie Admin)gets his wrath because she is neurotic and he doesn't like being treated like a 2 year old- hey most high level guys act like 2 yr olds that so I understand.
What I don't understand is when she explains things to me like I am slow-today she might be right- but seriously I can't deal when people speak to me that way, it makes me slap happy- BUT I am at work so...
I smile and grit my teeth, then catch eyes with PD who smirks and nods. I understand his reasoning for turning to the douche. Understand completely, but I resist any attitude because in the end....I.Don't.Give.A.Fuck.
Doesn't mean I have no passion for life, I just have no passion for this.
Now I must embrace this new responsibility that comes along with being liked (and possibly respected...and possibly (de)boned if MIT has his way) around here. Since they think I am doing such a fantastic job, they are giving me more work which cuts into my time spent looking like I am doing work when I'm simply daydreaming about recipe creations or Facebook stalking. Hmmm.

The Place Where I Work: When I'm Wrong, I'm Wrong

I thought today was going to be a horrible day. My alarm woke me up from an amazing dream. I left my house late and had to take an unusually crowded train. Unusually crowded trains mean you're going to get felt up whether you want to or not.
Though I am a native New Yorker, I have a strong aversion to crowds and enjoy my space-so the train ride wasn't fun.
Things started looking up when I got a free drink from my Starbucks crew this morning. Perhaps they sensed the dark cloud around me.....in any case, it was sweet and greatly appreciated.
Maybe I was wrong about today...

I am the first one to admit when I am wrong. The first. I may not say it out loud, but I've admitted it to myself (in my head).So here it goes....MIT does not want to murder me. This doesn't mean he doesn't want to clone my bones, and he is socially awkward, but he definitely doesn't have anything sinister planned.This all became abundantly clear this morning as he greeted me with a huge smile and a 'good morning!' He was friendly and somewhat normal-which was a continuation from yesterday where we discussed cake.
Somehow a strawberry shortcake appeared in the pantry. The cake was friggin' delicious!
Upon further investigation I found out that Candy has friends in culinary high places. This solidifies her as a homie. We both appreciate food. Good food.
MIT enjoys a good food as well. He is a foodie.
I think I was thrown off by MIT because he is wayyyy socially awkward, but once you've proven you don't bite and have more than 4 brain cells- he grows on ya. Do I want him to throw me on the pantry counter-no, but I do appreciate him and like that he doesn't want to murder me.

Vanilla Madeline is becoming my besty. Though he barely eats- he nibbles and its all healthy- he LOVES a good cocktail and a dessert. I love it. When he does eat, he indulges in only the finest of eats. Pretentious yes, but if he's paying who am I to judge?
He had a breakfast meeting at the Mercer Hotel, and when he strolled in at about 10, he gave me a once over and was pleased again. Admittedly, my stiletto sling backs and shift dress are pretty cute-I had my doubts though when Candy said 'you look cute'. I thought maybe I look a tad hookerish, but after checking my strut and consulting with my peoples at lunch- I found that I look fine.Not fine enough to turn CFO, it seems he is gay too. This is cool because I knew we could only be companions anyways...this just makes it BETTER! It also explains our relationship based on hilarity.
The cherry on top of the day so far has been For The Fuck of It. FTFI maintains his spot as my hero! Today while everyone was on these conference calls and closing deals, he walks out of a meeting and says he has an important call to make. He then rolls into his office and calls his granddaughter who he puts on speakerphone and they discuss the places they are going to go this weekend....as he googles all the places she mentions.
This dude wins at life. Wins.

The Place Where I Work: Like The Office, but with more death...

You know how sometimes you’re watching the TV show The Office (English or American version) and you say to yourself, ‘my office is JUST like that except less funny’- I have been saying that all day today except this office is just as funny.

It started with CFO and I and hooking up computer speakers- well he was hooking them up for an admin and I was hooking up the ones at my desk. He feigned being shocked and says, “wow, someone who can do something themselves!” We chuckle and discuss the frailties of most people and how I was just in it to pop the bubble wrap- the speakers came wrapped in it. Exciting.

A new employee started today- am calling her Strong Handshake for now because…her grip was ILL yo! I had to make sure I still had circulation in my lil honey colored mits. SH seems nice and earnest. I like her because during an awkward elevator ride with Candy and I, she understood without chiming in. Basically, Candy was discussing someone else who works here, a woman I haven’t met because she’s been on vacay. From what I hear, she went to Jamaica and Martha’s Vineyard-so I have formed my own judgements about her.
Anywho, Candy enjoys me because I am laidback and don’t try to pop shit off- why would I, I am getting paid right? Not getting killed-yet…so its all hood. She says that the chick who isn’t here is a handful and she can’t WAIT for me to meet her. I was like…OH NO. Then Candy and I had a mental back n’ forth, which SH noticed, but stayed out of it. Candy can see the hint of –I will take you outside and proceed with the beat down if need be- in my eyes and says she had to set the chick straight a few times as well.
Candy also feels that Typical Movie Admin is a bit neurotic-tell me something I DON’T KNOW, but I said she has good intentions. Her brand of crazy I can deal with. Candy then repeated she can’t WAIT for me to meet the other chick on vacay.This could get interesting.
OH you’re probably wondering where Candy, SH and I were off too….we were getting our ID badges! It is soooo on folks. The only thing was, I wasn’t prepared to take a picture. I mean, the face is on point…the hair is alright…the outfit is cool, but ID pics and I NEVER.WORK.OUT!!! I either look like I am about: a) stab a bitch b) look constipated c) like I have 15 cats and eat ramen noodles on the regs.Decided to take matters into my own hands. Just as I as the picture is about to be taken, I smiled. Not just any smile- I did this head tilt, raised eyebrow, ‘I’m cute, right?’ kinda thing. Let’s just say the end result = me looking like I am THINKING about being constipated but realizing I have no time for that because I have to clean up the hairballs of my 15 cats!!! *le sigh*
If it wasn’t for my natural photogenicalness and cheekbones, it would all be for naught.

MIT has been keeping his distance. Now he stands at a desk further away and I catch him watching me. When I smile to kill the creepy vibe, he looks down (at possible erection) and walks away. Hmmm.

OMG! So, Vanilla Madeline and I have had a breakthrough. He’s cool with me, even asked my advice on restaurants in the Penn Station area-since I look like I have some style- I let him know that Penn Station and NICE restaurants do NOT go hand-in-hand. We decided against Korea-Town because no one wants to come back from lunch smelling like that- I don’t mind, but VM is a delicate creature. I then went to talk to him about something else and he took in my outfit. He gave me the twice over-paying SPECIAL attention to the shoes (told you!) and smiled. I almost did the cabbage patch. I swear next week we shall be doing happy hour with his lover Loy. Cannot WAIT!

To continue with our comedy lounge act-CFO and I-CFO stops by my desk to discuss why he can’t stop calling his iPod a walkman. I raised a hand up for a hi-5 and said that I had a walkman for years! Like I didn’t get an iPod till about 2 years ago- love love love making mixtapes. We deemed ourselves soulmates, but then realized that was too weird. Instead, I think we shall discuss the new West Elm shipment and sip martini’s, another relationship not built on anything sexual-just companionship. Much like VM and I…as for MIT our relationship might be built on sex n’ death. Hopefully less death though.

The Place Where I Work: Too Cruel To Be Kind

I thought I was going to have a case of the Mondays but my iPod, my Starbucks crew and MIT’s haircut changed all that.

This will be shocking- sometimes I am not as smart as I seem. I know. Filled out my timesheet last week all kinds of wrong. So this morning I had to chat with the CFO-haven’t thought of a clever name for him yet- about my brain malfunction. A brain malfunction that would’ve lined my pockets more and made me look like a thievin’ wretch. It was bothering me the WHOLE weekend that I had done this because I really had no intentions on being an idiot.So, I go into his office and explain why I suck and need to do my timesheet over. He smiles and is like, no worries…am sure it would’ve worked itself out. He was real laid back about it which leads me to believe this company is NOT hurting for a dollar. More importantly, he doesn’t think I am a thievin’ wretch and found it cute how worried I was…and also HOW DUMB my mistakes were. I explain with these cheekbones I don’t need to know much.
The CFO and I have funny kinda relationship. He crunches numbers and keeps things running smooth, but is also into design and see’s the importance of leaving early on Fridays. Throughout the day we say clever one liners to each other and think up various ways to piss off Vanilla Madeline-not so much piss him off, as ruffle his feathers. I am still trying to get invited to the Soho pad-the CFO may be option B because he just bought a new place in the city and was having furniture delivered on Friday. We discussed what he got and the dude has great design taste-he is straight. We shall see.
Anywho, today I don’t think MIT wants to kill me. Think he’s curious about me. I knew stuff that MIT didn’t think I would- like weird obscure science shit and I think it blew his mind. Now, he sniffs around me, smiles, stares and tries to get me to say something about his new haircut-which I think brings out his ears in a bad way. Since I am so real and believe in the whole if you don’t have anything nice to say thing…I haven’t said boo about the new haircut. MIT has slowly walked by my desk turning his head every which way. He has stopped and looked at the art on the walls (art that has been there EVERY DAY) by my desk. He has drummed a conversation by my desk about his weekend and getting a haircut.Still I play the strong n’ silent type. Who knows? This may be the thing that causes him to murder me and duplicate my cheekbone structure.
Oh well.
Vanilla Madeline is back. He was in San Francisco a few days last week. We spoke on the phone occasionally and he was slightly impressed with my French accent while saying his name.VM and I smirk at each other now. We both like wearing purple and I kinda like the way my name is said with his accent. Have to up my shoe game because he seems like the type of gay who’s into fierce heels. Must do what I can to be sipping mai tai’s on the balcony of his Soho crib. He’s going to serve fruit parfaits and we will Wii bowl together. Its going to be…a …gay …ole time. HA! OH! Another reason why he and I shall be the best of friends and he will let me house sit his luxurious apartment is because his lover’s name is Loy. Something about that name makes me giddy. I just picture them on Saturdays wearing light colored Bermuda shorts and tissue paper cotton v-neck tees. They walk to the West Village for gelato, then hold hands on the water front. They compare themselves to other couples around and note how significantly HOTTER they are, and how everyone else wants them. *sigh*For The Fuck of It strolled in. We chatted. He strolls about the office practically whistlin’ Dixie. I’m trying to expand on our conversations so that I have that IN with the male children in his life.
Wish me luck.
I must be doing something right or their standards are low, but I may be extended here. YESSSIR. This not only means MIT has more opportunity to plot, but I’ll have more character development…and more importantly MORE MONEY.

The Place Where I Work: Bonding and Boating.

As I lunched on shrimp tempura, I could feel his eyes upon me. They were the curious eyes of murder. MIT then smiled when I caught him staring, then sauntered off to wherever he goes to contemplate the cutting of my bones…or the duplication rather.

I thought the day would be a lot worse since I am working DIRECTLY with MIT, but he’s been cool. He greets me with a ‘hey, hey’ and stays in his lane. I like that.It’s the few moments when I catch him staring, I get a little tense and try n’ make the large itchy mound on my arm (damn mosquito’s) visible to him. It works…sometimes.

OMG- I now understand why Typical Move Admin may be in love with Older Matt Damon! Usually, he and I share brief pleasantries. Today, we spoke for about five minutes. Since its customary to maintain eye contact, I looked into his baby blues…and thought I felt my heart swell.Woah.As I slowly returned to my desk, I realized it was the combination of his eyes, soothing yet assertive voice and intelligent words caused me to understand how one could be smitten. For years even.

I don’t see this being a problem for me because I don’t envision him taking me in the pantry and knocking over the expresso machine- no, I imagine us sipping on white wine spritzers on his boat. Nothing fancy, just a sturdy boat he and his son upkeep. His wife asks if I’d like a refill-I nod. OMD then talks about the great lobster tails we’re going to have once we dock on the coast of Maine. We’re listening to Billy Joel and he throws in some old Motown for good measure. We have conversations about life and he tellls me I can go boating with he and his fam anytime.

Awww.

See, not every fantasy involves panty tossing. Sometimes its just about bonding and boating.When I try to come up with a pleasant fantasy involving MIT- I can’t. Can’t even imagine one involving panty tossing. I just see labcoats and his murderous eyes-*shiver*.

The Place Where I Work: For The Love

Part of the whole working experience for me, is establishing good relations with barista’s at the local Starbucks. This is not to (just) get free ish, its because the barista’s look out and can even perk up a non morning person like myself.

At New York Life I didn’t have to worry about this because they had their own cafeteria and I made nice with all the cooks- they just love a girl who loves food and doesn’t need to wear elastic waist bands.Color me surprised when I’ve already established love amongst the barista’s at the Starbucks closest to the office. Sure, I’ve worked in the area before and frequented this SB before, but there is high turnover in the barista world.
I think I was so successful because I was raised right and don’t treat peeps in the service industry like dog doo-it could also be that when one of barista’s mistakenly called me Jon instead of Joy (always give my middle name because I have spent most of my life 2 steps from shanking peeps who mispronounce my first name) and then when I stepped up to get my drink the look of shock and embarrassment on her face was amazing. I smiled because there’s a part of me that enjoys being possibly seen as a drag queen.
Anways, she said that if I was a Jon, I would look damn good…we all chuckled and the in-house aggressive (hardcore lesbian) gave me the eye-it also could’ve been that she was glad I really wasn’t a dude. I like my SB crews to have one gay guy and one aggressive-at least!. This kind of situation always makes me more comfortable and insures there will be laughs in the morning. Also, I’ll know how hot I look if I get positive feedback from the gay guy, and if I am grumpy the aggressive will appreciate it and give me a free croissant. Win-win.All this to say, that my day was set off right with my SB crew this morning. Added a lil pep to the step. Wasn’t even gonna let MIT’s murderous plans get me down!
Speaking of MIT, the heart n’ mind are such fickle beasts. MIT seems less murderous today. Just looks at me a little quizzically. He keeps catching me trying to scratch the mosquito bites on my arms-have this method of scratching them on the chair. It fills me with such pleasure.I dunno, there is something about his JFK drawl-less hardcore New England with slight undercurrents- and being extremely friggin’ smart that just makes me wanna sigh.Maybe its his cool vibe with Older Matt Damon that is showing me a less murderous side to MIT. OMD is a REALLY nice dude. They have a nice bro-nerd-mance going on and it warms my cold black heart.All these feelings of good cheer could change tomorrow, so don’t go on thinking that I would trust MIT alone in a room with me and a bunch of pertri dishes.

Haven’t really introduced Typical Movie Admin or TMA to yall yet. I call her TMA because in movies involving admin assistants who are slightly frumpy, but have good hearts-you root for them because they are madly in love with their boss (i.e. OMD) and you hope that with their new makeover that the boss notices, but then you realize he’s a married jerk and the dude in the mailroom (with the heart of gold) is the one for her!- that’s her. I socialize mostly with she and Candy because they know a lot and give me the inside scoop on how shit goes. Sometimes I wanna shake Candy out of her stripper with a heart persona though. She is a really hot chick-like my guy friends would be singin’ Cameo (Candy) ALL.THE.TIME….its just she has dyed blonde hair (and she is Black, which I already have MUCHO issues with…but I digress..) that doesn’t compliment her and blue eye contacts, which make me want to kick her in the throat. With the sometimes trashy style-you do the math- it equals hooker with a heart.Again, she is good people though and hopefully she’ll be aight.What I’m really hoping for is for she and MIT to ‘make it happen’. Do it all Dan Akroyd/Jamie Lee Curtis Trading Places style. Well, except MIT is a genius!I think it could work though.You see, there I go again with my good cooch karma- WHEN IS IT GONNA PAY UP!! PAY WHAT YOU OWE, bitch!....….

hmmmm where was I?

My idol in the office is another person I haven’t introduced yall too. I’ll call him For The Fuck of It, or FTFI. This dude is another PHD and had a brilliant career as a scientist ALREADY. He was the top dude at one of the top pharmaceutical companies out there. Once he was done with that, he decided to go down a totally different path in the pharmaceutical industry…and so he is. Basically, this dude DOESN”T HAVE TO WORK. He is like…LOADED. Very unassuming and VERY nice. He comes to the office, does his thing and then goes out of his way to set his day around seeing his grandchildren. This dude is just here for the love. I find that incredibly cool. I also find myself trying to figure out how old his male children and grandchildren are so I can figure out my IN. Have always wanted to marry for love, but it’s a recession bitch and I wanna write my book in a house on the Amalfi Coast, so a bitch has GOT to be enterprising, yo!

The Place Where I Work: The Fear

The most interesting thing about being a temp-besides the not giving a fuck…OH and possibly getting a job or something- is the observing of various office cultures. They rarely vary with their usual cast of characters- villains, predators, sluts, playboys,skin-stealers, cool peeps who have lives outside of offce, gossips, etc..
Need to add another to that list: mastermind killers. ‘Member the other day I introduced yall to MIT-the guy who could potentially clone me?- well I think he wants to do more than that. Like he doesn’t want to live in my skin; he wants to figure me out, break me down, kill me and then clone me! Its real!
I came to this brilliant epiphany soon after MIT gave me another long meaningful stare. Most women would be pleased to have an attractive guy look at them…meaningfully, but I saw something in those eyes…murderous plans.
You see, my desk is right by one of the conference rooms and every time MIT is in a meeting, he makes sure to close the door and as he does he gives me that meaningful stare till the door cuts us off. The first time it happened I was like: OH SHIT. After the third time, I came to my epiphany.
This morning I was making copies and the machine happens to be in the pantry area. Who follows me in and asks me to help him decide what to have for breakfast?? MIT!! It was just us. The machine, the cutlery and his smooth steady voice- the voice of an evolved killer. I didn’t show my fear, but I used my Brooklyn eyes- this is when you can see behind you and the peripheral as well. Brooklynites have a natural ability to do all at once because we’re real like that.
Aside from possibly being murdered I have found a definite IN to VM’s Soho loft. I knew I had a chance when our eyeballing always ended with a smile of recognition of who could be the bigger bitch. It was always a tie because VM is GAY! Yessir. Am not surprised. Gay men LOVE me. They cannot help themselves because we are like moths to flames. Am no 'fag hag', I just have acknowledged the gay man within.- OH damn, MIT just sauntered by my desk.Anywho, its only a matter of time before VM, his partner and I are sipping mojito’s in his living room and watching film noir’s. Just a matter of time.

The Place Where I Work- In the Beginning…

With the success of my New York Life (ooo the cats out of the bag) chronicles, I decided to chronicle my time here at this medical investment company. Keeping all places and faces as anonymous as possible.

This assignment is only for a couple of weeks with no chance of me getting a job from it-doesn’t mean I am going to hop on a desk with someone because the office is SMALL.Small , yet sleek n’ stylish-modern, and its filled with masterful nerds. These are nerds with PHD’s n’ shit. HARDCORE. So there is a comfort level-nerds…yet a discomfort because I don’t wanna get what they do. I just wanna smile n’ nod, nod n’ smile…then collect pay and GO!
People here seem nice though, yet they seem shocked that I know ANYTHING…which is funny. Maybe I do the nod n’ smile thing too well.One of the head guys I work with, is this petite French guy-we’ll call him Vanilla Madeline (like the cookies) or VM for short. He is quite a character and peeps here are intimidated by him. Maybe it’s the accent-stereotypically he is very brusque and can be quite bitchy. Plus he’s a health nut. I am a firm believer in milkshakes n’ cake creating balance. Balance for the soul, yo.VM and I like to eyeball each other, but he stays in his lane….for now. Perhaps he see’s the wheels turning in my head-the plotting! You see, he has a NICE pad in Soho. I’m no gold digger and could give a fuck about the car you drive, but am a sucka for real estate! Location, location, location.

So, I have to make VM fall madly in love with me, yet understand that we can NEVER have sex. We will be companions. Like having a pet…and one shouldn’t have sex with their pets.
We shall see how this plays out.
He is the only character so far. Everyone else seems pretty tame. The receptionist I thought was maybe a part-time stripper named Candy-that’ll be her code name, but she won me over because she admitted that she sometimes dresses trashy and that’s just how she does. I can respect that, so she is COOL in my book.There is the cute young guy who like created life or something at MIT-code name MIT….so I will just look at him and stay very far away. He may steal a strand of my hair and make another me and the WORLD doesn’t need that.
Ah, the nicest dudes are the South African- you guessed it, code name South African or SA- and Older Matt Damon- or OMD. They are both really personable. SA has a PHD in something, and we have chill convo’s and OMD looks like Matt Damon’s dad that can still get it if I were into that sort of thing. He has big teeth and lives in Connecticut…which is fitting. Dude is real cool though and seems very down-to-earth.

Outside of the office, I have come full circle. You see, I work across the street from my first full time job. Aww, memories. Its great because I get to reconnect with my peeps!So far no big events….just that VM took all the GUYS out to a fancy dinner last night. I wonder if anyone got drunk and used that old excuse to make out with a dude…then blame it on the al-al-al-alcohol. Hmm. Have heard no mutterings of anything, but dudes don’t talk like that.

Why am I single?

More frequently than usual I have been asked WHY I am single. It pleases me that after 5 minutes with me one can’t figure it out. Perhaps I am doing better with toning down the asshole and my natural inclination to offend. Some are just flabbergasted-but mostly I think they’re being kind to my ragged, unwanted single ass.

Being a thinker, I began compiling possible reasons as to why I am single so that I don’t just answer with my usual: I don’t know. I am fabulous, right!!That can come off a bit conceited which is not my thing. Instead, I’d rather have a stockpile of answers- that sound well thought out and like I sit around WONDERING why I am single all the time…besides just…I don’t know-LIVING MY LIFE.
So here’s what I’ve come up with:

-I am too much woman. (this is mad corny and sounds like I am bitter n’ drown my sorrows in apple martini’s. this also implies that I am into sorta-almost gay men who like a lil bit of woman. or maybe I have a smelly cooch or something-which is not very womanly at all. altogether not a good look, but it’s a great quick answer.)

-I am completely insane. (this is not totally untrue. I’m a tad…quirky, but not psycho because I don’t have the energy for that.)

-Haven’t found someone decent who’s attracted to the decency in me. (this one is pretty sweet, quick and I truly believe it. it may make me sound like I am mad ugly though.)

-I don’t put myself out and have a habit of pushing dudes away. (sad, but oh so true. its how I do-DID. not anymore…I think. I am not desperate and am not seeking anything, but then again it would be nice. need to walk to fine line.)

-I haven’t run into Idris Elba again. (seriously, if I see him again and we’re not just passing each other on the street…I.WILL.NOT.BE.SINGLE.ANYMORE!TRUST.)

-I may be too smart or too funny. (again, I sound like a pompous beatch, which is not cool. I guess I could use my ‘Daria-like’ sarcastic tone to make me seem LESS tool-y)

-I tend to like dudes who don’t like me back. (yeah…this doesn’t help the cause)

So far, I think my list is pretty legit. If you can think of any other reasons let me know because the more you know, the more I grow. :)

The Not So Oscar Rundown...

This won’t be a TRUE rundown because I find I need to focus when watching the Oscars. Like I am really there and nominated- okay mostly I just didn’t feel like doing a rundown. Call it laziness. Call it I just wanted to stare at the dresses. Call it whatever you want…this doesn’t mean I wasn’t left without any lasting impressions or observations.

The Oscars were not so boring this year proving that 2009 truly is the year of CHANGE! Even when it was dull, it wasn’t flip to see what’s on the Food Network dull. That’s really all you can ask for. Hugh Jackman definitely did one of my favorite opening numbers-mostly because he sang that he is WOLVERIIIIINNNNE. That did it for me.I also liked the involvement of Anne Hathaway because I just like her. In all her big eyed, big teeth-ness.
The close-ups of Brangelina did get TIRESOME within the first 5mins of the show!!! Come on people- I did wish Jen (Aniston) brought it with the dress. I mean, it isn’t like she has anything to prove, but for real…she should’ve BROUGHT. IT. The slumbered hair-Emmy’s dress thing is NOT a good look when that she-minx Angelina is sitting front row center looking FIERCE (loved her green accessories). Sure, John Mayer is less wrinkly than Brad which makes him a better accessory, but Brad Pitt is…well…Brad Pitt!! So, sorry Jennifer Anniston, you lose (again). Awww!
I did enjoy Ben Stiller’s ode to Joaquin Phoenix…and that Tina Fey n’ Steve Martin made fun of Scientology to a room full of future converts. Gutsy and hilarious. Having the past winners announce and say something special (either genuinely or FORCED) was pretty great. I got teary eyed a few times because it would be amazing to have peers I admired say that they think I’m special. Or just having DeNiro (Robert) say hi to me would be OKAY!Though I want to punch him in the face, I liked Cuba Gooding Jr.’s jibes at RDJ (Robert Downey Jr.)- who looked so handsome!

More importantly, lets talk dresses. The standouts- to me- were Taraji P. Henson, Natilie Portman and Alicia Keys. Heidi Klum was close too. I didn’t HATE anyone’s outfit- though I squinted at Tilda Swintons ensemble. I also thought I liked Miley Cyrus’s dress, but in hindsight I feel her house Negro could’ve found better curtains.I appreciated Mickey Rourkes white suit and the Hoffster’s (Phillip Seymour Hoffman) beanie. He is true to his drug addict chic.- On a side note, it has been confirmed that Johnny Depp is playing the Riddler and Hoffster is playing the Penguin in the next Batman movie!!!!!!!!! I am going to nerd it out and see the first show at midnight n’ shit! YESSIR!OH, I remember absolutely dry heaving when I saw Whoopi Goldberg’s dress.!! Leopard is cool. Chiffon is cool. Ruffles are cool Altogether= WORST. THING.EVER.

The wins weren’t surprising. I was really ROOTING for Uncle Mickey (Rourke), but am pleased with the Sean Penn win. I’m also not surprised. Gay wins always.This also works in my favor because I want to work with Mickey and an Oscar would mean no return phone calls.Yay for Slumdog!!! I did get concerned when all the kids from the movie were on the stage in the end and I could see Angelina’s eyes filled with GLEE as she saw them. Oh she can save them from a tragic life in Mumbai slums! They are already so well trained. They are brown-they’ll do!!! Hopefully they won’t CHIMP OUT on her.

I think award show season is OVER. I can relax and put the gowns away-but the hate remains out n’ ready!

Best.Conversation.Ever.

Originally posted in February 2008:

Quite Possibly THE Best Conversation EVER!!

BECCA: The thing about Gabriel Byrne -(insert pic of him, he's the dude in the NEW HBO show 'Intervention' and he was in the classic 'Stigmata')

Honey T: Oh God here we go...

BECCA: Is that, I could spend my twilight years with him.

Honey T: He will be dead in your twilight years.

BECCA: But like not in my heart. In my heart we live in this little house in Cape Cod and I'm like making bread in the kitchen and he's sitting reading some Robert Graves poetry, wearing a black turtleneck and some John Lennon specs -

Honey T: Sweet Jesus.

BECCA: And there's a fire going and I look in at him and I'm like -

*Becca giggles with Genuine Delight. All remark on how hilarious this is that she is so pleased with herself.*

BECCA : And did I mention the beagle? In my head we have an old beagle and it keeps looking at him but he's all caught up in his poetry and doesn't notice the dog who eventually sighs heavily and plops on Gabriel Byrne's feet, causing my man to smile gently. At night in bed - I mean we would never have sex because it would be our twilight years - he would teach me Gaellic by reading me poems as we fell asleep.

Honey T: You know what I get that.

BECCA: You know?

Honey T: Yeah because it's how I feel about Mark Ronson. (insert pic of Mark Ronson AKA DJ, producer extrodinaire)

BECCA: He's got lips for years. I could live on his lips.

Honey T: I KNOW!

BECCA: In my head you guys are in a white kitchen eating broccoli and listening to Trance music.

Honey T: FUCK YOU MARK RONSON WOULD NEVER PLAY TRANCE MUSIC EXCEPT AS A JOKE!

BECCA: ....whoa...

Honey T: Here's how it would really be: His place, his loft, Tribeca.

BECCA: - Tri-me.

Honey T: Ignoring you and moving on - Al Green is playing, and Mark, he's wearing a white tee-shirt and dark denim and white no no no grey socks and he's making me stir fry and I'm sitting on a bar stool at the kitchen counter and we're just talking shit and hanging out and he puts a snap pea in my mouth. We're drinking bottled water -

BECCA: What kind?

Honey T: Just poland spring, he keeps it in the fridge, he's real like that - has to take it to the studio and stuff. So yeah.

(Long Pause.)

Honey T: Except sometimes we have to turn off the stove because of the boning. You know how it is. You saw his lips.

BECCA: Indeed I did.

(Long long pause.)

BECCA: Yeah. Yeah we definitely just talked about that.

Honey T: For a long ass time.

END SCENE

Older Blogs: My Hood, Race and ...uh...My Wedding.

Originally posted April 2008:

Figured It Out.Black men are zombies.Pat me on the back, give me my $100,000 Cover Girl contract because I have figured it all out!! Thats why the po-po has to shoot them ( Black men, ESPECIALLY when they are unarmed) 30-41-50...times! ZOMBIES...or werewolves! I mean its the only way to explain how and why cops are shooting Black men that many times and getting away with it.Hey Black people are still deemed and treated as savages, some even act like it....then there are men like my brother who have nothing savage about them who could be doing what he does...going to work, hanging with friends, drawing and chatting with celebs (yeah). He could be doing all those things and be at the wrong place at the wrong time (AKA around some po-po) and get shot 50 times...because he is a werewolf zombie. Must never go out at night, moonlight causes his TRUE savagery to come ALIVE.I realize that this realization will ruin any chance I had at dating a cop, but thats okay because they are known wife beaters. So, I'm good.

Originally posted: May 2008:

Daydreamin’....I was walking through a train station one evening and this dude was playing an erhu. The erhu is one of my favorite instruments. Love the sound...is it a violin? Is it a fiddle? The sound one makes is melancholy, almost like every note has a story.OH, what is an erhu?http://www.philmultic.com/home/instruments/erhu.htmlThats what it is.So, dude was playing 'Right Here Waiting' by Richard Marx (don't question HOW or WHY I know that, just accept my knowledge of music....all kinds)http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9JDTAqsMNEMI did like his song 'Hazard'.This moment turned me into THAT GIRL. The girl who thinks about her wedding. I think I want the erhu played as I come down the isle...and I want the song to be: Nothing Even Matters- Lauryn Hill and D'Angelo, All I Do- Stevie Wonder, Kissing You-Des'ree....Cannot decide and I am sure I can come up with about 15 more.Then I came out of my THAT GIRL haze and wondered how the 'Thong Song' would sound on an erhu. Mad elegant!

Originally posted May 2008:

I Did Not Sign Up For This...I grew up in Sheepshead Bay (BROOKLYN). I'm used to being 'asked': they let YOU live out there? (because of the majority of Europeans that live out here) Or its assumed that I live in the projects. When I say NOPE and give my street name, again I get: they let YOU live out there?What I enjoy about living out in the Bay, besides the wonderful sea breezes, is the UP FRONT non-PC racism of the Bay that helped to make me who I am today. Stronger, wiser, and kept the skin thick.Then I moved to Park Slope for a few years. Ah, the Slope. Subtle racism...I MEAN...diversity and family fun. Great restaurants! I grew in a different way in the Slope. I made great friends (never made a friend in the Bay) and began my sordid affair with Starbucks and brunches.Now I am back in the Bay, and was happy for it....its not perfect, but its home. Home is not the same though. Home is almost resembling THE SLOPE! From new condo's to the hipsters at the local Dunkin Donuts. Diversity and no hateful stares with eyes that wonder why my (sexy) Black ass is living in this area! Then the ULTIMATE- are you ready?....I was doing my grocery shopping at the local Stop n' Shop (that has an awesome organic section now) when I see a Black dude doing his shopping as well...in a t-shirt, wind pants and FLIP FLOPS!!! When a male Negro feels comfortable enough to wear FLIP FLOPS as he buys ice cream...then the once racist, close minded area that you call home has CHANGED!!Feel all uneasy and slightly out of place......but not DUMB/suicidal enough to move to Bensonhurst.*sigh*http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-hotjeKvovg&feature=related
All these conflicted feelings may have clouded my mind. Especially when I find myself enjoying ANOTHER Kanye Pest song!!!! I'm definitely feeling this song! FEELING IT!Also, if you have a chance to do some Broadway, go see Passing Strange. Best. Show. Ever. (well one of) I don't do musicals, but this one is AMAZING and like nothing you've seen.OH with all my excitement...and disappointment, I failed to mention the sudden migration of LESBIANS to the Bay AKA the NEW SLOPE!