Thursday, July 29, 2010

The Place Where I Work: Magic Dress

Sometimes I bring.it. Today, it has been BROUGHT and served on some fine China- and not that IKEA shit. The good stuff.
The dress I am wearing today is working more magic than usual on dude’s loins! It began on the train this morning when my ‘Brooklyn eyes’ though closed, felt that someone was looking at me too long and it was getting to that creepy/skin stealing level. I open my eyes and there is this dude just engrossed with my shit. I gave him a stern: look away, MY skin NOT yours!
He looks away, and I go back to my catnap.
Then I go to get lunch from the café upstairs and as if brought on by magic there is this HOT dude up there. I say it was magical because there are NO hot dudes in this vicinity. He sees me and makes his way over to say ‘hello’. OH SNAP! I say ‘hi’ and make a mental note to check him out as he is walking away.
THEN I roll to Starbucks- you know the one where Dave Chappelle and Ja Rule (both look-a-likes) work at?! Well Dave Chappelle was EXTRA chatty and I was mocking him for wearing those colorful rubber bands that come in different shapes-forget the name. He explains that he has young nieces; I tell him that is NO EXCUSE. He says they keep him hip, I say WHATEVA. He then asks me out to go to the movies. I’m officially SHOCKED! A dude, ballsy enough to simply ask me out. A dude responding to my awesomeness and seeking its company??? FOR REAL?!
Instead of reciprocating his ‘innovative’ ways, I tell him I couldn’t risk going out with him for fear that people would think I was a pedophile…because of the rubber band bracelet things.

Even the sexy dress can’t disguise my natural asshole capabilities.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Cock Chef

Get it?! It’s like Top Chef…but BETTER!

Today has been a day where I have wanted EVERYONE to eat a bowl of dicks, so much so, I’ve come up with many different ways for these dicks to be served. I think it’s my natural culinary ability sprinkled with imagination. Also, m’girl Lesley insisted that I actually write a blog about the different types of dicks peeps can choke on- I mean eat. She only insisted because I stated that this was all I had in me (hmm…is that what she said?) because I pretty much hate everyone today.

So here it goes-now don’t imagine this sounding like that listless Negro in Forrest Gump who was talking about shrimp, imagine an uppity Negro who vacations at the Vineyard.
Alas, here are the many ways for people to REALLY enjoy a bowl of dicks:
BBQ’D, suvee’d, with a light butter and garlic sauce, pickled, Carpaccio style (thanks Marino!), salted, in an Alfredo sauce, tossed in a red wine vinaigrette, with peanut sauce and a squeeze of lime, braised in an aged soy sauce, with spring veggies and a squeeze of lemon, fried (this covers beer battered and panko crusted), lightly dusted with cinnamon n’ sugar, honey glazed, in a Bolognese sauce, wrapped in bacon (I would actually eat them, or share at least), encrusted it Matzo crackers (Kosher baby!!), in a Tandoori sauce, seasoned with cumin and served with an avocado sour cream dipping sauce…

Whew.

Isn’t your mouth just watering?! Can anyone think of any more good ones, there are a lot of hungry mouths to feed.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

The Place Where I Work: Like A Mirror...Almost.

I have many fleeting moments of insane narcissism/think it’s the world according to me, and this work tale will hugely reflect that.

A few years ago I worked in Hell- AKA the architecture firm that was indeed hell, but brought B and Jesse into my life therefore strengthening my belief in everything happening for a reason. One of the partners at the firm was disabled; he had a baby arm. I NEVER mocked his disability, but his baby arm did haunt my dreams…nightmares simply because he was a grotesque person, the arm was waxy and continued to grow nails…that he would clip by laying the waxy arm on his desk …-and let’s say his office was surrounded by glass and my desk wasn’t too far from his. I was WAYYY luckier than Jesse who had to sit in the office with him-she was his assistant- and was once hit by the arm when it spasmed and knocked her coffee all over her shirt.
Of course being the classy dame I am, whenever the ‘baby armed partner’ did ANYTHING shitty, which was often, I would go into detail about how each of us (usually B, Jesse and I) were getting fisted by that baby arm-nails unclipped!

Fast forward to the present day. There is a woman who works on the same floor as the cafeteria- in one of the food companies offices- who is the same height as me, same complexion, we dress the same (professionally), same hair color and length- pretty much one would think we were sisters…there’s just one thing…she has a baby arm!
Upon seeing each other the first time we were both enamored: like wow! you look FABULOUS! Then I noticed the baby arm-and I thought: shit!!! this is like a payback for my mocking of the baby arm and how it haunted my dreams!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ME ME ME, not thinking that this chick has nothing to do with me- except for her excellent taste in black cardigans and looks. This further proves I am an asshole and I have a feeling she can sense this too because she has gone from friendly to ‘bitch please!’ Hmmmm. I think she has come into my life for a reason…perhaps to teach me a lesson on how to be LESS of an asshole? Or maybe to teach me that just because a person is disabled it does not mean they cannot be a jackass and therefore deserve to be mocked…

Pondering. Pondering.

Monday, July 26, 2010

Conversations with Ice: Je Suis Contente


Remember how every now and then I get together with Ice T in my mind and we have some rather poignant conversations. Well, here's another one.


Ice and I are chillin’ on his rooftop playing a game of Chinese checkers AKA Majong. He has made us mojitos and I brought some Popeyes biscuits- we are doing some pleasant snacking. Ice notices that I am a lil too pleasant though…


Ice T:
What’s going on, Sweet T? You seem less hostile? You finally stop being a nerd and get a lil mary jane in your life…or you bone one of them cracka’s you always talking about?-Jake Gyllenfuck or something…

Me: Wow Ice! A girl is chill and it either has to be drugs or getting smashed out? Ice, I mean this in the most culinary way possible, but: eat a julienned bowl of dicks.

Ice T: Okay, okay… I deserved that. I’m just saying, it looks like your chi is centered- what gives? Why you holdin’ out on a homie?

Me: Ice, I never wanna hold out on a homie- I’m just okay. Had the day off-meaning I didn’t have to ride the subway…

Ice T: Uh huh. (takes a bite of his biscuit)….

Me: That and the weather has been pretty bearable-I know you cut off off the ponytail, but that ass hot heat does NOTHING for the hair and the sexy.

Ice T: Whatchu talking about? I am sexy in rain, sleet, humidity and snow. (Ice gives me a knowing look)

Me: This is true...I like that you're not in jail getting bench pressed by a dude named Big Cock.

Ice T: Them charges wouldn't stick-and Big Cock? You couldn't come up with any thing more clever....

Me:(Ice gives me another knowing look, and I sip my mojito) Ice, all I can say is that when one sac’s up, it can be a freeing experience.

Ice T: Yeah, I feel ya. Ain’t no future in a being a punk ass bitch.

Me: Damn right, Ice. No future at all.

The End.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

The Place Where I Work: Built For It

Had an interesting chat today with one of the chaps that works on my floor, seems he was impressed that I made it this long working where I work. When I asked why? He explained that they were notorious for going through temps, sometimes keeping them for like 2 days and then saying PEACE. He added that they may wanna keep me.
My eyes went wide and I began to do my usual dance of slowly backing away.

Being a ‘keeper’ is something I’ve had to live with. Don’t mean to make something great sound not-so-great, but the eternal ‘bird’ in me is always ready to bust free from the cage.
I often get annoyed when dudes are like: you’re not a girl I can take lightly, you’re a keeper.
We all know that I don’t have that ‘ho gene’ and am not known to put a strangle hold on/swing from/apply gorilla glue to the nutsac-so I am not upset that I’m a keeper, it’s more that I feel it is all bullshit and just a nice way of saying: I am not feeling your ass.
The thing is, I never bring these conversations up, they just happen upon me with this information. I am all like: who says I wanna be SERIOUS with you, bitch?! Just because I am nice and smiling in your direction does not a boo you make.

Of course this being me, when I am trying to be someones keeper, they are not trying to keep me. Same thing happens with jobs- not often- but when I find myself at a comfortable hate level where I can deal with a place (because we all know it’s just dealing when it’s not what you love), then something always has to eff it up. In this instance, I am comfortable being a temp and now these bitches wanna think about keeping me?!
It’s not that I have a fear of commitment, I don’t, I just need to be assured space (ME.TIME) and you have to fool me into thinking it was my idea- like if Mr. Burns really sent me on a yacht coasting on St. Tropez, I might feel like I could be permanent here.
That will never happen.
All I can do is be okay with being a ‘keeper’ in my non-work life and not equate it with ugliness, and in my work life…basically if the pay allows me mani-pedi’s , tequila buying , book buying and shoe buying...then I'll be a corporate keeper, yo!!!

Monday, July 19, 2010

A Few Things I Learned This Weekend

-I cannot fold laundry and will not ever learn this skill because I don’t have the patience for it. Some people find it relaxing are really good at it, and all my folded sheets look like a 3 yr old folded them…using their feet.

-Am like Murtaugh and ‘getting too old for this shit’: certain theme park rides, being scared of dudes, eating Mexican from anywhere, young actin’ adults and pigtails-have been great about not wearing my hair in that style for about year. Yay for me.

-Things I am not too old for: rollercoasters, giggling to myself, blushing, kicking a bitch, cake for breakfast.

-When acquiring ‘dick pics’ always ask for frame of reference.

-Don’t trust a cabby that sings along to the Backstreet Boys while driving down Broadway.

-Nathans corn dogs= the truth.

-You can walk to Puerto Rico from Coney Island.

-Not all churros are created equal.

-Even my cheesy side has its limits- while buying The Darkness cupcakes for his born day (Hostess=OG’s), the cashier asked if I wanted to grab some candles n’ matches. I was like ‘nah son’. Cupcakes are one thing, lighting candles are another.

-While some people I know are proving to be lackluster, I still know some pretty exceptional peeps- i.e. my bookclub, shout out to Sidecar for the best peach-blueberry cobble ever!

-Marci.does.not.eff.around!!!!

-While watching TrueBlood, I realized I like dudes shirtless-Alcide AND in cashmere v-necks- Eric.

-Everything is not for everyone.

-Short Asian men dig.my.shit.

-Dude was trying to hit on me in bookstore and I was more concerned with the book of ghost stories I was reading-added to the list Why I Am Single. He was hot too, damn my bookworm sensibilities!!!!

-My dreams concern me.

-I still know all the words to Salt n’ Pepa’s ‘Shoop’ and was reminded of when I wanted to be a female MC….

Friday, July 16, 2010

The Place Where I Work: Serious Cases of WTF?!

-My favorite part of my work day-well one of the many, which include: lunchtime, chats with Lauren about the old dude with the standing office …
**sidebar**
This will fall under ‘best witty response I’ve come up with’ category.
Lauren: …he pretty much wants to live forever.
Me: Why?
Lauren: Well…he loves the opera, says he’ll miss that.
Me: You know what’s the cheapest way to see the opera with the BEST seats? As a ghost!

And Scene.

Throw in corporate AC in this asstastic heat and I’ve got a pretty good day going on. BUT my most favorite part of the day is when I go shredding (no paper trails, yo). It is so therapeutic…and then last night happened.
There I am, all refreshed from shredding and I see Mr. Darcy who has his back to me and is GOING ALL IN scratching his ass (hand in pants)!!! I stared 5 minutes too long with disbelief, I then shook myself and quickly left area to go dry heave for a bit.
In conclusion, I find Mr. Darcy to be smarmy.


-I’ve mentioned that I am trying whole assedly to be into this online dating thing. It’s a process because I forget to log on and I am a genuine ass. When I do log on I see messages from dudes I wouldn’t sit next to on the train- including one guy who asks if I have any friends he and his boys can run a train on. I kid you not. Before, I would’ve shut down my account and been like fuck.the.world., but I am giving myself 3 months to go about this whole heartedly. So, I just blocked the guy, erased his message and went about my day.

-Mr. Burns totally has a girlfriend who just had a baby! Not a toddler, a baby- as in in MARCH! He is also doing a triathlon this weekend. HOW OLD is this dude? Should I feel a certain way? Like should I be all motivated n’ crap? Motivated to dust off my bike at least…or get me a pair of them ‘Fit Flops’?

-In no way am I defending Mel Gibson, but like Chris Rock says: I understand. Mel is INSANE, hilarious…wrong and INSANE. I understand him though because I live amongst Russian women and they can be pieces of work. Oh don’t go saying I am being a perpetrator of stereotypes, we all know I hate everyone equally until they prove themselves to be decent. Hitting women is wrong, verbal abuse is wrong…and so his career seems to be a dead issue. I would like to hire Mel to make phone calls for me to people who deserved to be yelled at and demeaned. Not like I couldn’t do that myself, but he just has SUCH a way with his delivery…and he’ll have nothing to do. So, why not??

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Story of We: An Unfinished We Holiday or Ep 9



*I don't know where the rest of this episode is, but it's a great start. I should finish it one day. Oh man, goth hymns??!! Where do I come up with this shit??*

The Story of We
Episode 9: Holiday We 2008- Livin' Fast n' Ballin'!
Screenplay by Honey T
12-17-08




Setting: In NYC of course. The story takes place in a Starbucks, chic hotel suite, an airport gate area, the island of Puerto Rico and a resort on the island of Puerto Rico. The story and characters tend to move all around the city…its boroughs and islands. The year is 2008 and the world is as it is. Reality is real.



Cast:

Taylor Greene
Britain Sawyer
Josephina Fergus
Lorna Long
Acorn Dillon

Featuring:
J.E'Ofinnigan Logan
Robert Downey Jr. as himself
Phillip Seymour Hoffman as himself
Jake Gyllenhaal as himself
Tommy Lee Jones as Agent Frost
Mickey Rourke as Uncle Mickey
Benicio Del Toro as Uncle Manny
Keanu Reeves as Fenzdorth
Beyonce's Metallic Glove as itself
WuTang Clan as themselves
George Clooney as himself
Brad Pitt as himself
Halle Berry as Fairy Godmama
Ryan Seacrest as himself
Paula Abdul as herself
Ben Stiller as himself
Ice-T as himself
And
Joe Pesci as Johnny K.



Scene 1: We are in the Starbucks. It is decorated holiday festive with garland around the coffee n' tumbler shelves, a menorah by the cash registers and Kwanzaa candles on the treats showcase. Britain is wearing a Santa hat while standing behind a register; she doesn't look cheerful though. J.E'Ofinnigan is helping Taylor (who is also wearing a Santa hat) stock CD's and the gift shelves. Josephina (who is not wearing a Santa, but is wearing a blinged out medallion of Santa's face that is hanging from a platinum chain) is making drinks for a few customers. There is excitement in the air, except around Britain; there is just gloom n' doom around her. "All I Want For Christmas" by Mariah Carey is playing low in the background.



Britain:
This was our song… (sigh's and opens an almond biscotti)


Taylor:
Oh yeah! I remember he had them dancers-that shit was tight. Sorry Brit.


Britain:
Fuckin' warlock's!


J'E'Ofinnigan:
What am I missing?


Josephina:
A whole lot, muthafucka. (hands a customer a hot cocoa)


Taylor:
We're talking about RDJ. Britain still hasn't heard from him…and he's all over Access Hollywood chuckling with Guy Ritchie on the set of his new movie. (turns to look at Britain) At least he's not ho'in around.


Britain:
He could be. What do I know?


Josephina:
That mutha fucka loves you. He'll come around. (just then Jake Gyllenhaal come in carrying a gift bag, he smiles when he sees Taylor)


Taylor:
Oh fuck. (J.E'Ofinnigan goes to stand in front of her)


Jake Gyllenhaal:
Move twat. (he and J.E'Ofinnigan glare at each other)


Britain:
The sad thing is when they do fight and that turns into Jake Gyllenhaal penetrating J.E's firm ass…it'll be the most action I've seen in a while. (starts to open another biscotti)


Josephina:
(chuckles) Them homo's are gonna makeout before they even get to scrappin'. (everyone glances at Josephina a lil bit)


Taylor:
You okay there Josie?


Josephina:
Bitch, I'm good.


Taylor:
Woo-okay. (turns back to Jake and J.E) You two. Stop it, now! It's the holidays.


Jake Gyllenhaal:
You're right my lil golden colored dreidel. (holds up the gift bag) This is for you.


J.E'Ofinnigan:
You'll never make her Jewish! I got her a Kwanzaa gift (he looks at Taylor) and it just so happens to be my heart and soul (pounds his chest to emphasize)


Taylor:
Fuck that shit. I don't even know what Kwanzaa is!(opens the gift bag excitedly, when she pulls out a black satin cloak her smile drops. Jake is smiling proudly and J.E. is snickering) What the fuck?!


Britain:
O M G! Taylor will be the first black female vampire I know!


Jake Gyllenhaal:
You don't like it?


Just then Uncle Manny storms in. He and Josephina hug and give each other pounds. He nods towards Britain, but is mainly focused on Jake, J.E. and Taylor.


J.E'Ofinnigan:
This guy again. Don't you have an Edward James Almos casting to get to-


Uncle Manny:
(almost goes to punch J.E., but stops himself, looks at Taylor)
Before I harm these two, tell me, do you enjoy the company of Goths?


Taylor:
Fuck NO!


Uncle Manny:
That's what I thought-


Josephina:
Who's a Goth Uncle Manny? That bitch-master J.E. says he's a vampire! (chuckles)


J.E'Ofinnigan:
(smiles showing his fangs, Jake Gyllenhaal hisses, Uncle Manny clenches his fist)
I do enjoy blood letting and sleeping in a coffin-


Taylor:
You are not a fucking vampire! You're…a …GOTH?!


Jake Gyllenhaal:
I was one too. Not any more, that shit is so played.


Taylor:
You two were Goths…together?! (looks from Jake to J.E.)


J.E'Ofinnigan:
(rolls his eyes) Yeah, yeah. Jakey here was leader of this crew called Satan's Scat-


Jake Gyllenhaal:
(growls) We were more than a mere crew. Not your average Goth thugs- (Josephina, Uncle Manny, Taylor and even Britain start laughing hysterically)


Josephina:
Always thought of ya as a homo-bitch since that cowboy movie, but now that I know you were a Goth thug…you're okay with me J.G.. Ch-yeah! (goes to give Jake Gyllenhaal a pound, he looks at her strangely and then gives her a pound)


Britain:
I should've known. Warlock's, exist. FBI sorcery department's, exist. (shake's head with laughter) And Goth thugs exist….


Jake Gyllenhaal:
(looks pointedly at Britain) We were more than just thugs, we sang hymns too-(Taylor clutches her stomach she is laughing so hard, Josephina leans on a counter to support herself as she laughs, Uncle Manny laughs warily and Britain chuckles heartily)


Taylor:
(is breathless from laughing so hard) What I wanna know is, who did you Goth thugs beat up? Who's scared of a Goth thug? (straightens up as Jake Gyllenhaal wipes a tear off her cheekbone with his thumb then licks his finger sensuously)


Uncle Manny:
What a fuckin' freak!


J.E'Ofinnigan:
We mostly beat up preps. Anyone who wears penny loafers SHOULD be punched in the face.


Uncle Manny:
I have to agree with this piece of shit.


Britain:
I think we all do, but what I need to understand are the hymns and the hatred.


Jake Gyllenhaal:
(looks at Britain) The hatred?


Britain:
Damn those eyes! (shivers) The hatred between you and this guy. (points at J.E'Ofinnigan)


Jake Gyllenhaal:
J.E. here grew restless with my leadership and started his own crew-


Josephina:
(throws a cup at J.E'Ofinnigan) Punk ass crew breaker!


J.E'Ofinnigan:
Ouch! I had to go off on my own, Jakey here is totally egomanical. I thought so and so did the other members of Sons of Twilight-


Britain:
Did you guys do hymns too?


J.E'Ofinnigan:
No because we weren't gay!


Jake Gyllenhaal:
I will pull your spleen out, BOY! (he and J.E. angrily squint at each other) Hymns are why you guys went DOWN. Satan's Scat were better fighters and better singers!


Taylor:
I have no words for all this.


Britain:
I wanna hear you guys sing. Come on…do it for old times.


Josephina:
Hate to admit it, but I kinda wanna hear what hell sounds like.


Johnny K:
(comes into the Starbucks and smiles when he sees Josephina)
This is my lucky day!


Josephina:
Back the fuck up, nurse!


Johnny K:
Woah, woah. I'm just here for some cocoa and a pumpkin loaf.


Britain:
Well you're gonna have to wait on that, we're about to be schooled on the devils rhythms.


J.E'Ofinnigan:
I have an old CD in my bag…will put it on. (runs to the back area)


Taylor:
Music CD, you don't sing live?


Jake Gyllenhaal:
We do. We just always carried boom boxes-black of course- so we were able to have our background music going while we sang.


J.E'Ofinnigan:
(runs from the back area) Wait for it- (he has one finger in the air, suddenly a electro German beat begins playing, J.E. does a tough shimmy)


Jake Gyllenhaal:
(does a more menacingly seductive shimmy and stand closer to Taylor, who backs away)
You ready…brother? (looks at J.E., who nods)


J.E'Ofinnigan & Jake Gyllenhaal:
(they sing together in a monotone to the electro German beat)
Dark night, twlight, black flight we come to take you . Take you, take us by dusk our souls will rise. Magic light, moon light, we glow and are still like sarcophagi. We are the watchmen of your souls- (as they sing their hymn, Britain stares openmouthed, Taylor is laughing uncontrollably and Uncle Manny looks as if he's about to pass out) birds of the night like a bat- Satan's Scat! (the guys shout Satan's Scat about fifteen more times)


Uncle Manny:
(slightly incoherent) Damn Goths…I don't feel…fuckin' stop…make. Them. Stop. (falls to the ground)


Johnny K:
Hey Hells Angels! Shut the fuck up! You are gonna have this man back in the hospital! (cradles Uncle Manny's head in his hands, Josephina kneels beside him, Johnny K smiles) Mmmm, you smell like biscuits and Alize….


Josephina:
You're lucky you're holding my Uncle or I would straight punch you in the face, bitch! Somebody call nine-one- one!


Britain:
(shakes out of it) On it! (dials on her iPhone)


Taylor:
What I still don't get is why would these Goth tools want me?


Britain:
(clicks her iPhone to hang up) Fuck that! Why is my soul mate a fuckin' Goth who shaved two of his teeth into fangs?! (shakes her head at J.E. who is smiling-showing fang)


Jake Gyllenhaal:
(looks longingly at Taylor) It should be no surprise why a woman such as yourself would be delicious to a Goth-especially a Goth leader like myself. Your skin is the color of a sunset and we Goth's have great womb sensory…yours is a great one to bring forth a bundle-


Taylor:
Pause! (holds up a hand to emphasize, is visibly shaking) I'm going to kill something if he continues-


Johnny K:
Hope that ambulance comes quick Uncle Manny is unconscious!



While shit is real in the front of Starbucks, in the back are-specifically Uncle Mickey's office- he and Lorna are discussing their relationship.


Lorna:
Did I just hear a Goth hymn?


Uncle Mickey:
Don't try to change the subject, Sweet Cheeks. Are you fuckin' anyone else?


Lorna:
What's it to you? (sips a frappacino)


Uncle Mickey:
What's it to me?! I have given you a total of eighteen minutes of the most intense cock stroking I have ever given and you are still fucking someone else?! That's insane.


Lorna:
This discussion is insane.

Uncle Mickey:
I am putting my balls on the line for you. Shaving time off my tanning and training at Equinox, so that I can be there for you when I am not doing other things.


Lorna:
What do you want from me? Blood?


Uncle Mickey:
(thinks a bit) Not yet. I want you not fucking anyone else. Just me. At least 4 days a week until we've had enough.


Lorna:
I can make no promises. (Uncle Mickey growls) Growl all you want, but a Serbian poet once told me that kettle on an open flame cooks better than one on a stove.

Monday, July 12, 2010

The Place Where I Work: He Who Wants In

All I have to show from my weekend are some mosquito bites on my legs, and my faraway stare that some may see as mysterious, when it’s just me sleeping with my eyes open. That’s a Monday for ya. All filled with an unbearable fatigue and
people who stare at you on the train like you have two heads.

Three things occurred at work that woke me out of my trance-like state, which is a state most would like me in. I smile a lot because I have no idea what you are talking about and I am less likely to say something offensive/perverted/snarky back to you because I lack any kind of brain functioning. Only enough power to get me through the day without falling too much.


-Mr. Burns decides to take a few long strides out of his office to dump his lunch trash in MY garbage can. So many levels of wrong and disrespect, but I get it- he wants to put.it.in. Starts with the trash and he thinks after a few cassis n’ soda’s, it’ll be my ‘honeypot’.

-No one told me I had food on my mouth- even though I wiped my face after I ate, guess I missed a spot. In any case, had several conversations with large food particle on upper lip. That shit makes me angry!

-The guy who is usually my BOY because he hooks up my lunch-you know me and food- kept questioning my lack of want for a tomato. Lettuce, yes. Tomato, no. He kept asking me if I was sure, as if the third time would be a charm and I would be like: oh shit, DOH, I totally want a tomato slice on my portabello burger!! That didn’t happen.

Perhaps, I grew to be a lil grumpy because I am trying ‘be good’ this week because I am attending Siren Fest this Saturday which to me just means I get to eat corn dogs and cheese fries at Nathans! Less bloat potential if I chilllll out with my usual debauchery.
Have been thinking about a frozen margarita for the greater part of the day though. *le sigh*

Friday, July 9, 2010

The Story of We: Episode 8


The Story of We
Episode 8: We Got A Love Thang
Screenplay by Honey T
11-4-08


Setting: In NYC of course. The story takes place in a Starbucks, chic hotel suite, St. Vincent's hospital, Hot Ho's, TGIFridays, and the club Marquee. The story and characters tend to move all around the city…its boroughs and islands. The year is 2008 and the world is as it is. Reality is real.


Cast:

Taylor Greene

Britain Sawyer

Josephina Fergus

Lorna Long

Acorn Dillon

Featuring:

J.E'Ofinnigan Logan

Robert Downey Jr. as himself

Phillip Seymour Hoffman as himself

Jake Gyllenhaal as himself

Mark Ronson as himself

Guy Ritchie as himself

Q-Tip as himself

Tommy Lee Jones as Agent Frost

Mickey Rourke as Uncle Mickey

Benicio Del Toro as Uncle Manny

Keanu Reeves as Fenzdorth

Beyonce Knowles and Beyonce's Metallic Glove as themselves
And

Joe Pesci as Johnny K.



Scene 1: We are in Starbucks where we see Josephina, Britain, Taylor and J.E'Ofinnigan all there. Britain and Josephina are behind the two registers. Taylor is making drinks and J.E'Ofinnigan is restocking the tumbler shelf. Uncle Mickey strolls in wearing reflective wrap-a-round shades and sleeveless shirt with a picture of himself on it. He notices that J.E'Ofinnigan has a similar shirt that instead reads: A&F 69. "Viva La Vida" by Coldplay is playing low in the background.



Uncle Mickey:

(tears off his wrap-a-round shades and storms up to J.E'Ofinnigan)
What the shit are you wearing, pussy boy?



J.E'Ofinnigan:
(looks down at his outfit)
I am wearing the standard apron, some jeans and a shirt.



Uncle Mickey:

Don't be a wise ass! (pokes J.E's chest) Look at this fuckin' shirt!


Britain:
Yours is way better Uncle Mickey.


Taylor:
True dat.


Josephina:
Double true. Wait- is that your face on it? (takes out her iPhone and proceeds to take a picture)


J.E'Ofinnigan:
I don't understand the hostility? We can both wear sleeveless shirts-


Uncle Mickey:
No! I can wear sleeveless shirts and you just cover your pretty bitch muscles up!


J.E'Ofinnigan:
This is about me working out?-


Uncle Mickey:
This is about me declaring WAR on you! Only protein shakes and bulls balls for me! I'm going to KILL YOU in the 'wife beater' competition!


J.E'Ofinnigan:
(chuckles)
I have to go get more coffee from the back-but I'll try to wear less revealing shirts.


Uncle Mickey:
Are you backing down…bitch?


J.E'Ofinnigan:
(steps closer to Uncle Mickey)
Stop calling me a bitch.


Britain:
This is probably the best thing that has ever happened here and we have seen some fantastic shit.


Josephina:
Only to made better if they have a shirt-off right here.


Taylor:
(steps in between Uncle Mickey and J.E'Ofinnigan)
Guys, let's stop this. Uncle Mickey you look great in the shirt, there's no need to beat up on J-


Josephina:
What the hell are you doing, Taylor?


Uncle Mickey:
Listen to your friend, sweet tits. This is a fight amongst men…a battle that I will not back down from-besides if I wanted to BEAT him, he'd be dead.


J.E'Ofinnigan:
You think so, old man?


Britain:
Hey! Watch who you're callin' old! That's Uncle Mickey!


Uncle Mickey:

I will rip your young pert balls from your body and scramble them with my eggs!


Taylor:
(dry heaves)
J.E, just go in the back before this gets any uglier! (J.E looks at her a bit, then Uncle Mickey, he then smirks and walks towards the back)


Uncle Mickey:
All you're doing is prolonging the inevitable, sweet tits.


Josephina and Britain:
Shirt-off, shirt-off, shirt-off!


Taylor:
Just leave him alone.


Britain:
Leave him alone? That asshole called Uncle Mickey old!-


Uncle Mickey:
Hellcat, I am old. Old, but with enough spunk to kill a man only using my feet. I've done it once. Was in Thailand playing tie me up, tie me down with what I thought was a young female prostitute. Turned out it was a man. He had to go.


They are all silent awhile.


Josephina:
Taylor why are you defending that asshat? Sure, he can wipe a counter better than anyone I've ever known and he's good to laugh at…but-


Taylor:
But nothing! Uncle Mickey should pick on someone his own size.


Uncle Mickey:
Just because you let him rest his pert balls on your chin gives you no right to let me down!


Taylor:
(is trembling)
I know…(whispers) I don't know what's wrong with me…(runs out of the Starbucks crying. Everyone is open-mouthed and shocked)


Uncle Mickey:
What ever secrets lie underneath that punks pink muscles and cock…need to be unearthed and shared with the rest of us schmucks! (goes back to his office just as J.E'Ofinnigan emerges from the back with bags of coffee in his hand. Uncle Mickey growls at him)


Scene 2: Britain enters the chic hotel suite she and Robert Downey Jr. are staying in until their townhouse in the West Village is completed. Phillip Seymour Hoffman, Guy Ritchie and Mark Ronson are all over playing Wii bowling. They are cheering and jeering each other. Robert notices Britain and gives her a hug and kiss.


Robert Downey Jr.:
Ah, Brit! My sunshine is here!


Britain:
Have you been drinking?


Robert Downey Jr.:
Nope. Sober as a baby wrestler-


Phillip Seymour Hoffman:
B, please tell me you brought us frappacino's…


Britain:
No, but I do have cookies and donuts.- Guy Ritchie…I'm so sorry.


Guy Ritchie:
Nothing to be sorry about, mate's mate. Would you like to join us for some Wii…you have to be better at it than Ronson-


Mark Ronson:
Wanker I just hit two pins!


Phillip Seymour Hoffman:
Besides, from what I know of Madge…Guy can only go up-


Robert Downey Jr.:

I am the only one from the 80's she hasn't fucked!


Guy Ritchie:
That is something to be proud of. (looks at Britain without a smile) I think I'm going to start dating a Spice Girl, my mistake was going American pop. Should've stuck with the home base pop-


Phillip Seymour Hoffman:
This guy is a glutton for punishment and diseased vag's.


Mark Ronson:
Which is why I don't date pop stars-


Robert Downey Jr.:
Just teenage girls.


Britain:
Sorry I have to leave this HOT debate- I think I hear my cell phone ringing…(Britain goes to find her cell phone while the guy's continue their discussion on pop star dating and teenage girls. Britain finds her cell phone in the bedroom portion of the suite)
Hello?


Voice on cell phone:
Is this Britain Sawyer? (the voice is smokey and sounds foreign)


Britain:
Yes…


Voice on cell phone:
Beware the strange one. You will be warned.


Britain:
Who is this?



Voice on cell phone:

I am the one who cannot be named and now I must go. (the other line clicks off)


Britain:
(holds her cell phone for a bit then throws it on her bed, the door bell rings. She goes to get it because all of the guys are immersed in the Wii game. She looks through the peephole and sees a very official looking gentleman, she opens the door)
Yes…


Agent Frost:
You Britain Sawyer?


Britain:
Yes.


Agent:
I'm Agent Frost with the FBI (flashes his badge)


Britain:
Okay…


Agent Frost:
Anything strange been happening in the last few days.


Britain:
Nothing more than usual.


Agent Frost:

You sure? Think long n' hard.


Britain:
(stares at the ceiling, pretending she is thinking then remembers the phone call)
Well I just got this strange phone call-


Agent Frost:
You did?! What did they say?


Britain:
Just that I should beware the strange one…


Agent Frost:
Did they say who they were?


Britain:
'The one who had no name.'


Agent Frost:
Ah! Britain Sawyer, what you're dealing with is a multi-personality warlock-


Britain:

A what?


Agent Frost:
His name is Fenzdorth, but he goes by He Who Has No Name and McPhee.


Britain:
Why is this 'Cybil Merlin' after me?


Agent Frost:
I. Don't. Know. Here-(takes out a business card and hands it to Britain. It reads: Agent Frost- Sorcery Department)


Britain:
The F.B.I has a sorcery department?!


Agent Frost:
Yes. There are lot's of things you don't understand and its up to us to understand them.


Britain:
Oh.


Agent Frost:
Call me immediately if he makes any more contact. I'll do my best to keep him away from you. (he walks away before Britain could thank him. She closes the door and Robert Downey Jr. notices her face)


Robert Downey Jr.:
What's with the grill?


Britain:
If I told you…you honestly wouldn't believe me.



Scene 3: We see the outside of St. Vincent's hospital. Once inside, we see Josephina holding a Tupperware of cupcakes. She is visiting her Uncle Manny who is still in the hospital and unconscious from the blow dart incident. Just as Josephina gets settled with Twilight by Stephenie Meyer, the book she is reading to Uncle Manny, Taylor comes in carrying a shopping bag and looking sad. A low, soft Spanish guitar is playing.


Josephina:
Taylor?


Taylor:
Hey. Just stopping by. I'm still so sorry about hurting your Uncle. I've brought him Malta's*[non alcoholic malt beverage from the Carribean and Latin America. Its ingredients include: sugar, chocolate and sometimes molasses]-


Josephina:
When he wakes up he might make out with you. (they chuckle) Are you alright?


Taylor:
I think so…I don't know…


Josephina:
Wanna talk about it? (takes two Malta's out of the shopping bag, has a bottle opener attached to her key chain and opens them as well)


Taylor:
I feel sad. Empty almost. Tried to fill myself with Mark Ronson, but that didn't work-


Josephina:
(cringes) And then J.E'Ofinnigan-


Taylor:
No! I would never sleep with a guy who has frosted tips! Believe me, he has tried! I have my standards.


Josephina:
Whew. We can be best friends again. I had written you off about two weeks ago.


Taylor:
Well put me back on! (they hi-5) I'd like to think that my whoring ways have caught up with me, but I know there's a lot of ho left in me…so that can't be it.


Josephina:
Could you be in love?


Taylor:
Holy shit! Could I be? With who?


Josephina:
Well Darwin and you-


Taylor:
Nah.


Josephina:
Craig David?


Taylor:
Hells nah!


Josephina:
Justin Timberlake?


Taylor:
Fuck no.


Josephina:
Andre 3000?


Taylor:
(gulps down some Malta)
Oh. My stomach just got all tingly. I think I am in love with Andre Benjamin!


Josephina:
Of course! You guys were fake pregnant! (claps with joy) I don't care what you say, Negroid was inventive and heartwarming.


Taylor:
He was a freak who got under my skin. (shivers)


Uncle Manny:
(is moaning, sniffing loudly) Mal-ta…


Josephina:
Uncle Manny?!


Uncle Manny:
(in a harsh whisper)
Stick a straw in that bottle and let me have some Malta.


Taylor:
Yes! I am the one who took you down and now I am the one who brought you back!


Uncle Manny:
(starts breathing hard)
Taylor. Stay away from the visor…stay away. He's dangerous…he's a…(passes out again)


Taylor:
Dammit!


Josephina:
Foiled again. (sighs)


Johnny K.:
(comes in and checks Uncle Manny's chart, then looks up and notices Josephina and smiles)
Well, well, well-


Taylor:
Aren't you my plumber?


Johnny K:
That's my other job. The one that pays for nursing school-


Josephina:
You're a nurse? (begins giggling)


Johnny K:
Hey lady! Quit it with your chuckles, this just means I have an amazing BEDside manor.


Josephina:
If you value breathing you won't mention you or a bed again!


Johnny K:
(shivers)
Ooo, I like it when she's feisty.


Q-Tip:
[a soft head bopping hip hop plays as Q-Tip enters, Q speaks like he raps-over a smoothed out neo soul hip hop beat]
(Taylor's mouth drops as Q grabs Josephina up and kisses her, Johnny K slams Uncle Manny's chart on a table as he scribbles down notes)
Baby-girl, queen of my world. How you livin'? Lemme see your body twirl- (he twirls Josephina around, she giggles like a schoolgirl)


Taylor:
Holy shit! You're dating Q-Tip?! Where the fuck have I been?


Josephina:

Supposedly fucking a guy with hi-lites and cargo pants. Now that I know you're not…yes I am dating Q-and have been for how long? (looks at Q)


Q-Tip:
Three or four months, that shit don't matter, imma be with you a year and my heart will pitter patter.


Josephina:
(sighs)
Yeah.


Johnny K:
Fucking sickening. (puts Uncle Manny's chart away)


Josephina:
Now that doesn't sound like good bedside manner to me!


Johnny K:
Yeah, yeah- well if it still matters to you, your uncle is going to be okay its just taking a while for the drugs from the blow dart to wear off.


Josephina:
Muthafucka don't you ever doubt I don't care about my uncle, I-


Q-Tip:
She such a vivrant thang, look at her doin' her thing. (turn to Johnny K) You better step, you better do you before my girl puts you in a hospital too.


Taylor:
(sighs)
Damn, I feel all chill n' shit with Q here rhymin'.


Josephina:
Me too. (turns to Johnny K) He just saved your life, bitch!


Johnny K:
(chuckles)
Right…(walks out of the room)


Josephina:
Well T, Q and I are going to a gallery opening-


Taylor:
What?


Josephina:
A gallery opening-


Taylor:
With art n' shit?


Josephina:
Yes! Q has opened me up to new things. (she smiles as they nuzzle each other)


Taylor:
Wow.


Q-Tip:
We gotta bounce, we really gotta go- (looks at Taylor) but you should join us later for some drinks at Hot Ho's.


Taylor:
Damn right I will.


It is later now and Josephina, Q-Tip, Taylor and Lorna are at Hot Ho's having a nightcap. They are in the VIP area sipping various drinks and eating cupcakes. "Swagger Like Us" by TI, Jay-Z, Kanye West and Lil Wayne is playing in the background.


Lorna:

What's this? (waves a well manicured hand between Josephina and Q-Tip)


Taylor:
Q-Tip is Jose's new boo!


Josephina:
Yeah, I've been keeping him to myself for the last couple of months-


Lorna:
Understandable. When you hang out with hot bitches, things can get…murky.


Josephina:
There is nothing murky L, if you bitches decide to mess with my man I'll kill you.


Taylor:
Yeah, that's pretty clear. (somberly sips her drink) Well, you know I'm out of it- I am in love with a rapper from the dirty, dirty. (sighs)


Lorna:
(almost coughs up her drink)
Did you just say love?


Q-Tip:
Yep, yep she did it. Said the four letter word you say before ya hit it.


Lorna:
Ohhh, he's one of those-



Josephina:
But better. Its so smooth, the flow.


Lorna:
Certainly is. Reminds me of my time with the Hells Angels. Initiation is always a fun time. The newbies have to have sex with a woman while she is menstruating. They always called me easy flow because-


Taylor:
AH! You've got to stop with that story! (she, Josephina and Q-tip are all gagging, except his is to a beat)


Britain bursts into the VIP area. She grabs the closest drink, which happens to be Lorna's long island iced tea and gulps it down.


Britain:
I've had a day guys.


Lorna:
I can see. You chanced downing my beverage.


Josephina:
Oh, what's going on?


Britain:
I don't know where to begin.


Lorna:
Well then I'll start. I think I am going to break up with Mr. Starbucks-


Taylor:
What?! No way.


Josephina:
Come on, L. You guys are lined up to get married right after Britain and Robert Downey Jr..


Lorna:
(shivers with disgust)
I could never marry a man who bores me.


Taylor:
What?! You guys are both freaks and you know you fell hard for that dude.


Lorna:
I fell hard for the money. Imagine private jets and taking baths in holy water blessed by the Pope. Anything I wanted it was mine-


Josephina:
Aww, the woman who has it all. (throws a chocolate covered pretzel at Lorna)


Lorna:
I know this sounds trivial, but besides money n' fancy things…I need excitement. Passion.


Britain:
You need to shut the fuck up with that nonsense and let me tell my story. (waits a bit)I have a warlock after me. (everyone starts laughing, except for Britain who is scowling at them all)


Josephina:
Wait..wait…does he wear a blue pointed hat and have a white beard?


Britain:
This isn't a joke!


Taylor:
You did say that a warlock was after you though-


Lorna:
That's even humorous to me and I've seen it all, honey. There was this one time I was stuck in an elevator with a minotaur-


Britain:
Fuck you guys! I am being chased by a warlock named Fenzdorth! (they are all hysterical now, even Q-Tip has tears in his eyes. Britain is so frustrated she is close to tears, whispers) God, if there was a way for me to kill them all and make newer better friends, I would-


Taylor:
Oh no! She's casting a spell.


Q-Tip:
She got that magic yall, we better stop before we wind up in her crystal ball…


Britain:
(squints at Q-Tip)
I like him. He's not as dead to me as the rest of you.


Josephina:
Oh come on Britain, it's us.


Taylor:

Yeah, you know we're heartless wretches.


Britain:

True.


Josephina:

Tell us more about…Fenzdorth. (giggles)


Taylor:
Yeah, why is this mutha-fucka after you?


Britain:
All I know is I broke his heart in a past life, and so he is after some payback.


Taylor:
Damn! You're shit is so good you've warlocks chasing you through life times! (they hi-5)


Josephina:
Does any of this involve a ring, a tree and some goblins?


Britain:
No. (Josephina makes a sad face) Just one merlock and an FBI agent who works in the sorcery department-(they all start laughing again, and because Britain has downed 2 more of Lorna's long island iced tea's, she is laughing too)


Lorna:
I thought I knew it all. A sorcery department?!


Q-Tip:
Some say movies are fake n' wack, but we could learn a lot by watching Men In Black.


Britain:
Can Q-Tip hang out with us all the time?


Josephina:
Sure! Especially when he's not on tour. I plan on holding on tight to this one! (she and Q smile at each other)


Taylor:
So, B…what are you going to do about this Fenzdorth dude?


Britain:
I don't know. I don't understand my life. It seems like ever since I said yes to the dress and am marrying RDJ…my life has been crazy.


Josephina:
Don't blame the warlocks for your cold feet.


Lorna:
I have never seen a woman want to marry a man more that you. I will murder you in your sleep if cancel this wedding that I helped to plan. Murder.


Britain:
I am not canceling anything, I'm just saying its been crazy…right?


Taylor:
I think you're being a punk.


Q-Tip:
Baby B's got some cold feet, better lock the door and get her a warm sheet.


Britain:
I am done with you Q-Tip. Done.



Scene 4: The next day, Taylor, Britain and Uncle Mickey decide to take a break together. They go to TGIF's. Once seated at the bar, they all order mudslides and notice Lorna is with a group of afternoon speed daters. "Fly" by Sugar Ray is playing low in the background.


Taylor:
Holy shit, is that L…speed…dating?


Britain:
I'm only half way done with this mudslide, but I can tell those luscious shiny locks anywhere!


Uncle Mickey:
For me, it was her titties.


Taylor:
What about her titties?


Uncle Mickey:

Nothing. Since I don't look at women's faces, I just distinguish them by their tits.


Taylor:
Word?


Britain:
Uncle Mickey, you're such a hog.


Uncle Mickey:
(yells out)
Lorna, get that tight ass over her, stat! (Lorna looks up and does as she is told)


Lorna:
What are you guys doing here?


Britain:
Taking a break. What's with you speed-dating?


Lorna:
I've had it all, now its time to try the other poor meat.


Taylor:
But speed-dating at TGIF's, that's just asking for freaks…or warlocks.


Britain:
(throws a paper drink umbrella at Taylor)
Yeah, Lorna…you need a classier scene.


Lorna:

Its not as bad as you guys think. I've met two interesting taxidermist and one semi-interesting snake wrangler…and he looks like he has a mighty large snake of his own-


Taylor:
(does a shimmy)
Move your body like a snake charmer…make me wanna put the snake on ya…


Britain:
What the hell?


Taylor:
Very rarely do I get to act black around you guys. Let me live. (Britain shrugs and chugs the rest of her mudslide)


Uncle Mickey:

When are you gonna learn its not about length, its about girth! (they all look at Uncle Mickey and then Lorna orders a mudslide and joins them)


While the others debate penis size, Josephina and J.E'Ofinnigan are working hard at Starbucks.


Josephina:
Where the hell are they?


J.E'Ofinnigan:
I think they all took a break.


Josephina:
What did I say about speaking to me?


J.E'Ofinnigan:
Don't.


Josephina:
(walks away from him and scowls at the door)
I am so sick of them and their breaks. I know they're at TGIF's! They know that's one of my favorite place and yet they leave me here to work…with you! (throws a dirty look at J.E'Ofinnigan, he shrugs. The door to Starbucks opens and in walks a gentleman with a bowl-cut and a brown mink cloak, it's Fenzdorth) What the fuck is this?


Fenzdorth:
(he flicks his cape open revealing a grey cashmere tunic and grey skinny jeans)
Hello there. I am looking for Britain Sawyer.


Josephina:
Me too, Peter Pan. Me too!


Fenzdorth:
(eyes J.E'Ofinnigan strangely)You. Creature of the night. Tell where me she is.



J.E'Ofinnigan:
Fuck you, warlock. (he slightly hisses and walks towards the back of the Starbucks)


Josephina:
Oh wait! You're the muthafuckin' warlock after Britain?!


Fenzdorth:

You know of me. She knows of me. (his eyes go wild and then he disappears into thin air)


Josephina:
What. The. Fuck.


Back at TGIF's Uncle Mickey, Taylor and Britain are doing shots of Bailey's Irish Cream. Lorna, who went back to speed dating, now rejoins them at the bar. "I Want You Back" by *N'Sync is playing in the background.


Lorna:
Guys, I don't know. I don't think this speed dating was a good idea.


Britain:

We told you that hours ago!


Uncle Mickey:
If it was speed fucking you wouldn't feel like such a loser.


Lorna:
That is very true. (orders a pina colada) What it comes down to is…I like money. I like men. I like men with money.


Taylor:

I could've told you that.


Uncle Mickey:
Fuck it. Lorna can't beat us at who's life sucks more-well she can't beat me at least-


Lorna:
Why does my life suck?


Uncle Mickey:
You're speed dating at a TGIF's. (Lorna nods and gulps down her colada)


Britain:
Okay…well…I have a warlock after me.


Uncle Mickey:
I once had a warlock cast a spell on my mom so she wouldn't she was my mom so I could have sex with her. (they all look at him wide eyed, Uncle Mickey takes a shot)


Taylor:
Um, I am in love with a guy who wears a smaller pant size than I-


Britain:
No way, J.E'Ofinnigan is a tool…but he has a smokin' bod-


Taylor:
Fuck you Britain! I am in love with Andre 3000.


Britain:
It doesn't matter anyways. We lose this game. Uncle Mickey slept with his mom. (she and Taylor grimace and do a shot)


Uncle Mickey:
That's why you're all a bunch of pussies with your bitchin'. Y'all don't know the meaning of fucked up shit.



Scene 5: The gang decides to go the club Marquee to celebrate Britain and Robert Downey Jr.'s pending nuptials. "Just Dance" by Lady GaGa is playing in the background.


Robert Downey Jr.:

Wow. Another party celebrating our wedding…


Britain:

I know right.


Phillip Seymour Hoffman:
(is reading a flyer and then hugs Britain)
You have just made me mess my pants!


Britain:
It's the B effect!


Phillip Seymour Hoffman:
Yes. As long as that B is for Beyonce!! She is performing here! Tonight! (literally jumps for joy)


Robert Downey Jr.:
Another wedding party AND Beyonce is performing- Britain are you intentionally stalling? Do you still love me?


Britain:
Oh, RDJ…I love you more than my sexual offender trading card collection! You know that.


Robert Downey Jr.:
So you're stalling?


Phillip Seymour Hoffman:
You're missing the bigger picture: Beyonce is performing tonite!


Taylor:
Oh word?! Is it okay if I leave now?


Lorna:
No. Someone has to help me finish this bottle of Patron.


Taylor:
You're right, you're right-


Josephina:
Well fuck that! (snatches the bottle of Patron and begins drinking from it) You bitches wanna go around taking four breaks drinking mudslides!


Uncle Mickey:
Don't be like that buttercup, we knew you could hold down the fort.


Josephina:

I never thought I would say this, but fuck you Uncle Mickey! Fuck you long and hard!-


Uncle Mickey:
I have been fucked long and hard…its not half bad.


Taylor:
(mumbles)
Probably by his mother-


Josephina:
What was that?!


Britain:
Jose, Uncle Mickey has had sex with his mom. Now do you understand why we couldn't come back to work for a few hours-there's no coming back from that…


Taylor:
Fifteen mudslides and ten Bailey's shots were a start…


Josephina:
Holy hell! (starts passing the bottle of Patron)


Q-Tip:
Well I'll be damned, gotta sip this P to keep my mouth off the ground.


Josephina:
You mutha fucka's are forgiven.


Taylor:
Aww see…(Taylor, Britain, Josephina and Uncle Mickey group hug)


Robert Downey Jr.:
Britain! Answer me?!


Phillip Seymour Hoffman:
You need to chill out man. Beyonce is about to perform. The air needs to be clear of hostility-


Robert Downey Jr.:
Not the time, man! (turns to Britain) You don't wanna marry me…


Britain:

Of course I do. Its just that there's this warlock after me and shit is just real crazy right-


Robert Downey Jr.:
(is chuckling darkly)
A warlock?! I am the one with the drug problem yet you're talking about warlocks being after you-


Taylor:
Um, there is one.


Josephina:
His name is Fenzdorth.


J.E'Ofinnigan:
He came into the Starbucks the other day. He is definitely a warlock-


Robert Downey Jr.:
I can't fuckin' believe this! Even the frat boy is in on this?!


Taylor:
Aww leave him alone-


Britain:
(gives Taylor the stink face)
Babe, let me just get rid of this warlock and then-


Robert Downey Jr.:
Maybe a leprauchan will be after you! Fuck this. I am outta here-


Britain:
But…babe! (he waves her off and leaves the club)


Uncle Mickey:
(shrugs)
Oh well. Fuck him. Let me buy you some drinks so we can drown out the wails of that banchee when she starts singin'. (he leads Britain over to the bar)


Josephina:
Well that sucks.


Taylor:
Yeah. I just hope someone gets this love thing right-


J.E'Ofinnigan:
Well we could if-


Josephina:
Say one more word and I am going to break this bottle!


Uncle Mickey:
You know who I am glad you're not marrying?


Britain:
Um…you?


Uncle Mickey:
No, that piss stain O'finnigan. I can't believe sweet tits Taylor would let that-that…


Britain:
Don't say it. You'll get yourself all worked up. (she pats Uncle Mickey on the back) Yeah, I am glad I am not marrying him either. I'd rather marry your mom-


Uncle Mickey:
What the shit are you saying? She's a great woman!


Taylor:
Oh my goodness guys! I am not with J.E! I love Andre 3000!


J.E'Ofiinigan:
No one believes you. Stop denying how you feel…just give in. (steps closer to her and begins swaying his hips.)


Uncle Mickey:
(watches J.E'Ofinnigan for a bit)
I have a semi-


Britain:

(spits out her drink)
So wrong…so wrong…-


Phillip Seymour Hoffman:

There is a man swaying his hips in tattered cargo shorts. (shakes head) I have to get a prime spot near the stage, fuck all this. (he walks towards the stage area)


Josephina:
Holy shit! Is that Jake Gyllen-fuck?


Uncle Mickey:

(looks at Jake Gyllenhaal)
Full on chub.


Britain:
(gags a lil, then smiles dreamily at Jake Gyllenhaal who is now standing next to Taylor)
Look at those eyes. I could live in them-


Taylor:
The only reason I am letting you stand this close to me Gyllenhaal is because I really liked you in Bubble Boy.


Jake Gyllenhaal:
You want me this close…(suddenly it looks as if Taylor is being sandwiched between Jake Gyllenhaal and J.E'Ofinnigan)



Josephina:

How is Taylor in this Wonder Bread sandwich? (J.E'Offinigan starts hissing at Jake Gyllenhaal, Jake just stares at him intensely)



Jake Gyllenhaal:

She's mine. (J.E'Ofinnigan backs away)


Taylor:
I am no ones, asshole! (starts to walk away, but Jake catches her by the elbow)


Jake Gyllenhaal:
Not so fast, precious one.


Britain:
I don't understand this…but you know I have a warlock after me.


Uncle Mickey:

Pretty boys are giving me wood. Feels like Thailand all over again.


Q-Tip:
Everyone likes a lil caramel sundae, but imma take my vanilla cupcake each n' ev'ry day. (he and Josephina hug)


Josephina:
(sighs)
Come on Britain and Uncle Mickey, lets join PSH by the stage…and leave Taylor here to reenact Monsters Ball. (Josephina, Q-Tip, Britain and Uncle Mickey walk towards the stage area. Taylor scowls at them as they leave)


Taylor:
Listen Jake Gyllenhaal, I am through with white men and their attraction to me and my wonderous cooch-


Jake Gyllenhaal:
You're mine. (looks into her eyes)


Taylor:
Fuck you!


Jake Gyllenhaal:
Eventually. (sniffs Taylors hair)



Taylor:
Shit, this makes me almost wish O'finnigan was after me-


Jake Gyllenhaal:
He is nothing compared to me-


Taylor:
True, you have better style…but I am in love with Andre 3000!


Jake Gyllenhaal:
Kill that noise. We already have a black president…they can't have you too! They can't have it all-you are mine-


Announcer:
Ladies and Gentleman. Coming at you here at Marquee! Lemme hear you scream! (the crowd goes wild) Beyonce, get that fine ass out here! (The music starts for her Single Ladies song, Beyonce comes out wearing a leotard and a metallic glove)


Beyonce:
(shouts)
Where my single ladies at?!! (crowd goes wild, especially Phillip Seymour Hoffman)


Jake Gyllenhaal:
There's about to be some horrendous screeching. My hearing is too sensitive for this. We will continue this chat soon, my love.


Taylor:
O M G Jake Gyllenhaal, get the fuck out of here. I hate you. (Jake chuckles and leaves, Taylor goes to the bar and starts downing Patron shots. Mark Ronson rolls up next to her, his ears are bleeding) Damn Mark, I thought when you did coke, your nose bled?


Lorna:
I don't think its coke… this time…its that Beyonce person.


Beyonce:
(screams for no reason)
All my single ladies, all my single ladies…(is dancing crazily across the stage)


Mark Ronson:
I feel like someone is fucking my brain with a machete. (Taylor hands him a Patron shot)


Beyonce:
(still screaming)
Now put your hands up, up…woo ooo ooo ooo…


Josephina:

I swear if I wasn't drunk off my ass, my head would explode!


Britain:
Yeah, it's the perfect mix of horrible and fantastic- (her sentence is cut-off by a mink covered arm going over her throat) What…guys…help…(no one can hear Britain. Suddenly, Beyonce's Metallic Glove slides off her left hand and floats over by Fenzdorth's neck, this is all goes unnoticed by everyone INCLUDING Beyonce)


Fenzdorth:
This revenge would almost taste sweeter if I was able to drink your blood…what are you? (notices Beyonce's Metallic Glove) Who controls you? I-(he is cut off by the glove wrapping itself like a hand around his throat, it proceeds to choke him until he disappears leaving Britain gasping and the glove to float back onto Beyonce's hand)


Britain:
Holy mother of fuck?! Did you guys see that?


Josephina:

See what? I've been shakin' my thang to B!


Britain:
You didn't see Fenzdorth choking me…or the glove…(she feels a tug at her elbow)


Agent Frost:
Are you okay?


Britain:
Yes! Did you see that?


Agent Frost:
Of course, I was controlling the glove.


Britain:
You were…what?


Phillip Seymour Hoffman:
This ain't a speak easy, it's a dance club!! (starts dancing around them)


Uncle Mickey:
Do what the husky one says! (they all start dancing around and screaming while Britain and Agent Frost look on a bit frightened)


Agent Frost:
Listen, this isn't the end of Fenzdorth. You must stay on alert…and I'll do what I can.


Britain:
Just great. Would you mind emailing my fiancée that because Fenzdorth may not just kill me…he's going to ruin my wedding.



Scene 6: We are back at the Starbucks. Britain and Josephina are behind the registers. Taylor is restocking the treats. J.E'Ofinnigan is wiping off the counters and Uncle Mickey is sleeping in the back office. Jake Gyllenhaal enters the Starbucks. "Lemon" by U2 is playing in the background.


Taylor:
Fuck me on a roller coaster. What the heck are you doing here Gyllenhaal?


Jake Gyllenhaal:
Just checking in on you, my love. Watching you sleep is never enough-


Britain:
Damn she is good! Already humped and pumped Jake Gyllenhaal. (J.E'Ofinnigan makes a sad face)


Josephina:
I know-


Taylor:

I did not sleep with him either! (angrily squints at Jake) Are you stalking me, bitch?


Jake Gyllenhaal:
Well if you continue to hang around vermin (looks at J.E'Ofinnigan) then I am just protecting you.


Taylor:
I- (Jake suddenly grabs her and kisses her, leaving her breathless)


Jake Gyllenhaal:
You are mine. (he leaves the Starbucks)


Britain:
…okay, so RDJ left for London. He's filming something with Guy Rithchie, but I really think he's avoiding me.


Josephina:
You don't know that.


Britain:
It's for the best anyways…I mean with this warlock after me.


Taylor:
What the fuck was that?


Britain:
Let's not do this again T-


Taylor:
No, I mean that shit with Jake Gyllenhaal. As much as I'm in love with Andre 3000…that kiss was serious-


Josephina:
Have you even told Andre how you feel?


Taylor:No…and its better that way. (they all watch as Lorna comes from the back office wearing the same clothes as the night before)


Britain:
Holy walk of shame!


Lorna:
You never saw me. I don't exist. (she leaves the Starbucks)


Josephina:
I fee like I wanna cry, but my eyes have no tears.


Taylor:
Lorna and Uncle Mickey…


Britain:
Insane.


J.E'Ofinnigan:
I am a vampire, you guys.


Taylor:
If they had se-se-sex…in the office, does that mean Uncle Mickey lives back there?


Josephina:

(holding her head)
I don't know. Haven't been back there since Kurt…


Britain:
I bet you its pretty pimped out-


J.E'Ofinnigan:
I drink blood guys.


Josephina:
So help me God O'finnigan!! Shut the fuck up!

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Add To The List/D.P.- Do It!

One of the main reasons I write is to balance out the insanity of my REAL life with some fiction. When it comes to my lust/love follies in particular, the insanity levels skyrocket.
Besides my lust/love life being mostly nonexistent due to: my standoffish ass, my living in my head ass, dudes being wack to my ass, etc.
It is not only hard out there for a pimp; it is EXTREMELY hard for a cautious romantic. Just think about being a cautious romantic for a second, think about how difficult that might be, and while you’re thinking about it you’re getting paper cuts in that tender meat between your fingers.
Such is my lust/love life.
I don’t dwell though. As I mentioned before I am trying to whole assedly do the online dating thing. Just finished my profile, and have gotten some interest. Will see just how creepy these dudes are- SEE, there I go, add cynical to the list now. *le sigh*
One would think I was moving in the right direction with me receiving my first dicpic!!! (dicpic= dick pic aka a picture sent to you usually via email of male genitalia). Many were shocked that this was my first dicpic because I am so seemingly sexy and am online, but I’ve never received straight dick in the mail before…till recently. Picture me shocked when owner of the dick said he ‘wanted me and wanted in’. I know the owner of the well proportioned wang, and am physically attracted.
Three cheers for me.
Actually, my peeps wanted me to write a blog titled: Dick Pics and Decorum, but I’ve only experienced this one time (said like Wyclef) so I really wouldn’t have much to write about. I mean I get that with these types of things- like oral sex- things have to be reciprocated. I am far too old and less naïve to take a clitpic though- that train has long past my friend. I tried going the gracious route, and was truly being sincere with it. What can I say, cocks excite me.
…but this is ME remember. These are my follies- which would really fill a novel- and so it goes, senor uno dicpic has proven to be all.talk.
So, I go about my merry way. Merry because I hope that my initial dicpic will open the floodgates of dudes who are anxious to show me what they’re working with. Preferably dudes I am attracted to. Mostly dudes I know and may have/or had crushes(ed) on. Can’t promise you a clitpic, but your man meat will be GREATLY appreciated.
Just think about me on those cold lonely nights I decided to shun potential love interests because of a mood swing…think of me snuggled up close to my iTouch with your shaft full screen! How romantic?! Then think about me…I don’t know…getting a lift home from a friend who I may have had a crush on who I was building up the courage to just kiss when he decides to talk non-stop about his ‘ex’- I put quotes because it sounded like an ongoing love affair- think about my ego being shot, then notice the slight twinkle in my almond shaped brown eyes when I remember that I have your well lit dicpic all ready for viewing on my iTouch. Think about how while that dude is going on about his ex (wah wah wah) I am looking at your luscious wang. Think about how your luscious wang will get me through the tough moments.
Wow, this blog went in a whole other direction! May have to change the title to: Send Me Your Meat!
Not so deep down, I know I am going to regret this.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Hot Mess

Honestly, I don’t know where to begin. These past few days have been a whirlwind! It is also too hot to think. Am walking around in a consta-daze. Think this is what being on ‘shrooms must feel like.
One thing I know, and don’t believe is after effects of some kind of high, is how full my heart is. Watched one of my favorite people get married over the weekend. Even before my friend started to walk down the aisle, I was a whimpering, crying mess. She looked so beautiful and so happy, and I am soooo very happy for her.
Love you, Margobot.
There was so much I wanted to say (write), but am feeling consta-dazed again. Thoughts float away from my brain like heat waves coming from the hot ground.
Damn.
Am literally sitting here trying to remember all my clever thoughts . The only thing that pops up in my head are not thoughts, they are: Scooby Doo, Sam L. Jackson and I making milkshakes and at an OLDE TYME ice cream shoppe, and then an empty beach. I think the empty beach symbolizes my brain. It feels free of thought and memory. Not a good thing. Especially when required to respond to things…people…

I do remember this, I have said that most likely ‘the boo’ will not be from NYC- Brooklyn maybe, but not NYC. I feel this is because I am a big city girl with a heart of gold. This was further proven while in Buffalo on my way to get some eats- instead of the standard ‘hey baby’ or ‘can I give you a bouncy ride on my lap’, this dude was all like: hello, can I accompany you anywhere? You seem lovely.
A dude earlier in the day invited me to watch some fireworks with him and said he wanted to make me smile. Aww.
Wow. Good job Buffalo.

That’s all I’ve got folks. Now, back to Scooby Doo eating ice cream cones with Sam Jack and I.

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Representing With Words


I spent about 4-5 years in my 20’s contemplating a tattoo- ME, a person who didn’t get her ears re-pierced till she was about 26, a person known to hit at doctors when they come at her with needles, and a person who thinks tatts are dumb.
This is just another layer of my complexity. Or it was me being in my twenties, feeling restless and reckless and not thinking about how one of my many assets is my beautiful skin…and how at around 55 or 60 that tatt isn’t going to be too cute.
I still contemplated though. For years. At about the third year I decided on a location: the back of my neck. Guess I wanted it to be as far away from a ‘tramp stamp’ that I could possibly get. By year four I decided the tatt would be the symbol for Gemini- I know REAL CREATIVE. I went to various tattoo spots, and priced, and looked through portfolio’s…then before I knew it, I was 29 and was like- that shit is DUMB.
The End.

I was reminded about my almost tattoo when I saw this girl with the phrase “real lies will be seen with real eyes” tattooed on her right shoulder blade and I thought: that should be a quote in her ‘about me’ section on FaceBook. This inspired me…
Because I am SUCH a giver, have decided to break it all down- what should be a tattoo, a facebook quote, said in conversation or kept the fuck to yourself! Just a little guidance as to how to represent yourself with words permanently tattooed on your body…

::Anything to do with fucking- whether you’re trying to get, just got, like it or love it, you really need to keep that shit to yourself or share it in conversation.

Me: weather is awesome today.
Jake Gyllenhaal: great for fucking.
Me: let’s do it!

Getting a tattoo involving anything about getting fucked-even in JAPANESE/CHINESE lettering- is fucked up! Maybe I should add FaceBook on the list of: okay, because really, why else are you-me on there all day…we’re trying to get fucked!
I kid.

::Deep phrases, profound words and the like-
Like I said before, do that shit on your FaceBook page…or even in conversation, but getting some shit like: Ain’t To Proud To Beg tatted on your stomach when you’re 23 isn’t going to ring true when you’re 33 and are all classy n' shit (hopefully).

::You have VD/STD from getting fucked and what not- This goes under keeping that shit to yourself unless you have to tell someone. I don’t think I’ve seen anyone bold enough to tatt: Crab Lice Rocks!
It can also work for a vengeful ass who wants to get at the person who gave them The Clap to post on Craigslist or FaceBook...just never on the body. There you'll be at 35 angry that Javier gave you The Clap so you so tatt: Javier=Clap Giver on your thigh. Then at 45 you've totally moved on and forgiven Javier...and there's that pesky tatt. *sigh*

::Your name- I never ever, ever (ever, ever) understood this type of tattoo word representation- like in those few moments you actually FORGET your name you can look in mirror above your tittie and see it there …and sigh with relief. Only time this is an acceptable tatt (to me) is if you have that short term memory thing like the dude in Memento.

::Things like: Bitch, Asshole, TeaBagger, etc.- these things are acceptable to me simply because you’re warning we few simple folk who like to avoid asshats. The fact that you have BITCH tatted on your neck in a lovely script, let’s me know a lot of things…and one of them is: do not ask this BITCH for directions. Or clench butt cheeks and slowly back away- you’ve obviously won this round.
People who tattoo anything on their face have also won the fight with me, they are obviously crazed or in a serious gang…and I am wayyyy too pretty and inexperienced in martial arts and gun shooting.

So, that's me helping you.