Monday, June 27, 2011

Conversations with Ice: If You Have Nothing Nice To Say....



Admittedly, I have been avoiding my homie (in my head) Ice T. Ice knows if he hangs around a Starbucks, Target, Dunkin Donuts, or pretty much any place that serves food...I'll eventually show up.
This time I was coming out of one of my favorite secret haunts, the Punjabi Deli in the East Village.
He rolls up on me like Finn would a perp on SVU...

Ice T: Yo, T!

Me: (startled, but refrain from dropping my samosas)Oh...heyyy, Ice! What's up?

Ice T: Why you avoiding me, T?

Me: Avoiding?! I would never...I've been busy...

Ice T: Right. Busy eating them delicious samosas that I enjoy!

Me: Wow. Here...(hand him a pocket of stuffed deliciousness)

Ice T: I don't want it. (crosses arms)

Me: (wave it under his nose) Iccceeee....come on, you know you want it...

Ice T: You talk a lot a mess, but you haven't said jack crap about Ice Loves Coco!

Me: (stuff a samosa in my mouth, then point to it motioning that I now can't speak)

Ice T: Wow. You just stuffed that whole thing in your mouth-you haven't done that since-

Me
: Fine! It's a show. With you and Coco.

Ice T
: You don't like it?

Me: It's painful. Fucking painful.

Ice T: Damn. That's cold T!

Me: Seriously, I love you guys, but this isn't showing you in your best light. It's cheesey. Predictable. Poorly written. Then you produce a song for her about fucking shoes!

Ice T: Okay, okay. We'll agree to disagree.

Me: I love the dog though! If you ever need someone to stare disapprovingly at you-I'm your girl!

Ice T: Yes, when we need a bitter bitch, I'll holla.

Me: Word.

Sunday, June 26, 2011

Good Things I Have Put In My Mouth Lately- Randazzo's

A few years ago I decided it was summer and I wanted to see my friends but I didn't wanna get on the damn train to the city. It was HOT. Where I live in Brooklyn is always cooler and less grimey, so I started Sheepshead Bay Day.
A day filled with showing the many delights of my hood. Mostly eating and shopping. I give half assed history lessons about the Bay, but mostly I keep peeps moving to their next meal which ='s my next meal.
There are certain traditions that we follow- those lucky enough to be invited to Sheepshead Bay Day- see you have to be okay with lots of walking, eating and just sitting on benches and staring at the beach. Also, shopping.
You have to be okay with not doing much of anything with a purpose. Just chilling.
You have to be down with sun, fun and fried foods. Seems like easy criteria, but not really.
Anways, the first eating experience is always Randazzo's (Sheepshead Bay, Brooklyn). I call it our snack.


Randazzo's is pretty historical and pretty delicious. It's homey and not pretentious...and the food is DELISH! The waitress's look like your aunties...if you happen to be Italian.


There's 3 dimensional mirrored decor...


My snack included a chunky lobster bisque. It was creamy and filled with chunks of lobster and potato...perhaps it was a lobster chowder?? In any case, if someone said that I had to stop eating the bisque long enough to hear something important they had to tell me. I would continue eating that bisque, lick the spoon, sip my drink and gently dab the corners of my mouth before settling in to listen to this important thing. That is significant because I am a curious bitch and am barely able to contain myself when people have something important to tell me. Like I need to know because I always think it's going to be: Tina Knowles is your mother.
I prepare to scream and scream, then slowly sew in a weave and then stand wide legged while singing in an uncontrollable vibrato.

Where was I?


...for the table I ordered fried zucchini and calamari. Which I annoyingly kept saying the Brooklyn Italian way: calamar...sounds like calamard...just no pronouncing of the 'i' at the end. I said this several times further proving my asshole capabilities AND my need to show that I know some shit.
In any case, that ish was damn TASTY!!! I think I eloquently said: if you pretty much deep fry anything, including dick, it's going in my mouth.
That folks, is why you trust my food critiques because my taste level is so high....and you know if I'd put it on a dick, then it's a must have...in your mouth.

Where F*ck I Been...

(If you can spend days and hours watching all the Ocean's 12 series (like me), then you'd know where the title came from)

No, this won't be an elaborate blog about my world travels, unless world travel involves taking the train around New York City and working.
I was just living life and celebrating my birthday...for like days-which included lots of eating, drinking, scavenger hunting and eating. Good times.
Luckily, being an asshole hasn't caused me to lack in knowing amazing people who find my brand of asshole refreshing...AND while lost in Queens this dude stopped in front of me and said 'I'd marry her'. He then nodded to his friend and kept it moving.
Happy.Birthday.To.Me.
Also, I still have no use for Queens.
The one good thing about being LOST there was figuring out how it works. The avenues, the streets, the friggin' hyphenated numbers. Okay, I should say I get how Astoria works, but like most places outside of Brooklyn and Manhattan...it can be paved over and made into a gigantic Walmart. The Bronx, a Target. Long Island, a Popeyes.

More importantly, I've been dealing with The Killing's season finale. That shit left me feeling empty, cold and frustrated. It also made me feel stupid. Really stupid. Like, here I was thinking it was the Black dude, then the crazy dude with the slutty moms, then the future mayor, then the future mayor's boo, then the future mayor. Just when I was ready to deal with missing the show and that delicious Det. Stephen Holder (Joel Kinnamen), they decide to make me doubt m'boo and make me doubt the mayor even doing it! WTF! I just feel a certain way...
I'll get over it though because TrueBlood is BACK! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! My friend Jesse is having a premiere party. Am trying decide on an outfit and if I can accomplish Lafayette's eyeshadow capabilities.
Tough times.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

As The Dating World STOPS Turning

I think it has almost been a year since I signed onto an online dating site-mostly because my friends were like: you're this amazing woman you should share this with an amazing guy.
What they really meant was: you're a miserable beacth and we are sick of you and would like you to burden someone else with your nonsensical ramblings.

So, I signed onto OKCupid because it was free. It was like the saying goes: you get what you pay for.
Tons of freaks and non-appealing geeks. Dudes who wanted me to take their virginity and Black dudes who only date White girls but feel they could date me but think that I only date White dudes and proceeded to send me emails asking if I dated Black dudes- repeatedly.
There were a few Asians and Latino's. Mostly there were dudes who emailed me wondering WHY I was on there. I was told I was too cute to be on there-so obviously I must have bigger issues.
Um, DUH, bitch. DUH!!!

In any case, I had ENOUGH and decided to delete my account and let the cocks fall where they may.

Wish me luck and many cats!!

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Conversations with Ice: See Ya, Stabler.


This brings sadness to my heart and soul as I write this, but Christopher Meloni aka Stabler is leaving Law & Order: SVU!!!...and Maritska Hartigay (sp) aka Benson is leaving a couple of episodes in.
I love Finn and Munch- but can they carry the show??? Then I am hearing talks about bringing Jennifer Love Hewitt on to replace Benson. NO! J-Love, you stick to playing whores on Lifetime!
...so Ice T (the great friend in my head)and I decide to go antiquing in Connecticut-we stop at a spot that promises the most delicious Belgian waffles we will ever taste, when we run into Mr. Meloni who is looking for furniture for the new farmhouse he plans on spending more time in now that he is not playing Stabler.

Ice T:
...so should I get the strawberry topping or just stick with some maple syrup?

Me: Strawberry topping- we're having Belgian waffles. Go all out.

Ice T: True. Imma get me some whipped cream too. (looks wistful) Whipped cream always makes me think of Coco' ass...

Me:
How is she? Excited about the TV series?

Ice T: Between that and the clothing line- I'm getting no sleep (winks) if you know what I mean...

Me: Gawwwd, I do Ice, I do. No need to- well, well, fuckin' well...Stabler. (Christopher Meloni strolls over to their table, Ice T stands and they do some sort of hip hop greeting thing, Meloni then sits down)

Stabler: Ice T, Sweet T and me. Belgian waffles-this is gonna be a great day!

Me: You take your menu and your flat leavin'ass over to another table!

Ice T: T, chilllll...

Stabler: Woah, woah, woah what's with all the hostility?? I've been doing the show for about 15 years...it's time to move on.

Me: ...so Ice, I think I'm going with the sugar topping-

Stabler:
You're just gonna ignore me?!

Ice T: She gets like this when she is sexually frustrated and cannot act on it- (I hit Ice T with my menu)

Me: Some friend you are, Ice!

Stabler: Ahh, so you want to play consensual SVU? (he and Ice give each other a pound)

Ice T: Yeah, she wants you to interrogate her vagina! (they chuckle heartily)

Me: Wow. Real classy, Ice. CLASSY!

Ice T:
Oh, I'm sorry T. We'll stop and just eat some waffles-wonder if they have some chicken.

Stabler: (notices that I've been staring at him a long while) Stop. I'm married and your conscious won't let you.

Me: You're right, but I can stare at you long enough to ALMOST flirtily touch your thigh or something.

Stabler: Right.

Me: I still hate you for leaving SVU-

Stabler: What about Benson?! She's leaving too...

Me: Benson doesn't have a dick!

Ice T: True. Sweet T don't give a fuck if it ain't about some dick. (he and I high 5)

Stabler:
Well to make it up to you, you and Ice are invited over to my farmhouse any time and I promise to do yard work shirtless.

Me: I didn't mean those things I said before, Stabler.

Stabler: I know. I know.

The End.

Sunday, June 5, 2011

Listen To The Voices (sometimes).



The other night- a little after midnight- I was walking home. When it's late and I don't feel the need to take a cab, I take the longer more 'active' route. Active meaning more people and possibly less chances of rape, robbery, decapitation, skin coat maker run-ins, guys wearing latex gloves, etc.
As usual, I was wearing my headphones, but I was also carrying a shopping bag AND because I am a native New Yorker...also from BROOKLYN, I took into account everyone around me. Mostly people waiting for the bus.
I walked by them listening to Michael Jackson' 'Smooth Criminal'-then something made me stop going over that video's awesome choreography. My 'Brooklyn eyes' were tingling. I checked my peripheral. There was just one dude behind me, a dude who was previously waiting for the bus going in the opposite direction. I started thinking about my walking route and how there are parts where I could be grabbed and people would mistake my screams as playful post club foreplay.
My gut was saying 'no, no, no, no go take a cab.' Dude was keeping his distance, but still the only person behind me. I stop, turn on my heels and head back towards the cabs lined up in front of the train station.
once inside the cab, my gut sighed and that feeling that something was up went away.
Just to make sure that I am not THAT paranoid I checked to see where dude was and he had crossed the street an circled back to the bus stop. Woah.

Who knows what was up with that, all I knew was it was best for me to not walk home and just take a cab. You have to listen to that voice in your head, your gut, etc. that alerts you when shit just isn't right.

The reason for the Ugly Betty pic- I sometimes look like her AND when I typed in 'ominous night' this came up. I don't get it either but I'll work with it!

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Horoscope- week of 6/1/11

FreeWill Astrology
Gemini (May 21- June 20)


In the far northern reaches of Ilulissat, a town in Greenland, the sun sets for good on November 29 every year and doesn't rise again until January 13. Or at least that was the case until 2011. This year, to the shock of locals, sunlight broke over the horizon on January 11 -- two days ahead of schedule. Though a few alarmists theorized that this disturbance in the age-old rhythm was due to a shift in the earth's axis or rotation, scientists suggested that the cause was global warming: Melting ice has caused the horizon to sink. I expect something equally monumental to make an appearance in your world soon, Gemini. Can you handle an increased amount of light?

It don't take whole day to recognize SUNSHINE, bitches! I knew this feeling of shit sliding into place and ABOUT TO BE ON (AND POPPIN'), was something!!!
Put your sunglasses on.