Monday, August 26, 2013

MTV Video Music Awards Rundown 2013- The. End. REALLY!!

This rundown really has to be my last because watching the MTV VMA's hurts.  Hurts my mind.  Hurts my spirit.  My swag is on low.
THE ONLY reason I sacrificed my brain cells and taste levels was for the NSYNC reunion!  The thought of JT ( Justin Timberlake) scouring Walmart/Targets/Best Buy finding the rest of them dudes and then allowing them on stage with him again was enough for me to sacrifice my well being.
Anyways, with a heavy heart and a dry vag, I give you my MTV VMA 2013 rundown...

-FUCK SWAY!!!!!!!!!!!  May he choke on 5 million coconut curry dicks- that he finds out aren't vegan and then chokes some more!!
As you can see I watched the pre-show because I wanted the blow to be soft when I watched the actual show.  It worked because the pre-show was so SHITTY.  You had that foreskin in a hat, Sway with his gang of awkward lame White randoms aka Brooklynites.  It was like MTV picked their hosts from various coffee house open mics and boutiques in Williamsburg.  You know where ever snarky White people hang AKA the real Brooklyn.
Besides the hosts being the WORST and saying things like 'look, those are genuine brownstones' or 'I feel so cool in front of this replica Brooklyn Bridge especially holding this bag of macrobiotic dicks'- I didn't know who anyone was- well most of them.  Like who is Becky G??!  She looks like Selena Gomez's bratty kid sister who is constantly sucking on sour patch kids and giving Sway handjobs (listen, its the only way anyone else touches his penis).  Then there was Austin Mahoney?  What the fuck is that- THEN I see that he is associated with Taylor 'gummi bear deep throat' Swift and I gave even less of a fuck.  Now, Ariana Grande I have heard of because I heard one of her songs and thought it was Mariah Carey.  Hate being fooled, so I checked her out.  How old is this girl?  Does she even have her period?  Is she old enough to sing about love n' shit? I dunno, she has a nice voice...ugh...I just don't care...
All the interviews on the red carpet were just blah because the celebs seemed either drunk, high or disinterested.  Then there was Katy Perry talking about her new album 'Prism'- she went on talking about letting light in and not the dark blah blah blah.  I am taking 'light' as meaning 'bouncing on John Mayer's White supremacist dick is making me feel light and light is right'. Whatevs.
Then Pharrell came out with a gang of dudes on bikes with his 40 year old FINE ASS!!!  His aura was aglow with delight and richness.  His skin is as smooth and flawless as the breeze on his yacht in St. Tropez.  To say that Pharrell can get it is an understatement.  I would roll myself to him on a Gucci skateboard covered with only the coat of a virgin mink that has been dyed a soft pink.  I would give up milkshakes just to bathe in his 'Last Dragon' glow-aura...
*sigh*



-The pic of Rihanna's reaction- which was her reaction to most of the show EXCEPT for JT, was my reaction to the show EXCEPT for JT and the NSYNC reunion.  Her face is the perfect 'I am unimpressed and would rather be sharting than sitting through this'.
Lada Gaga opens the shows and did 15 cokehead costume changes.  She was entertaining...I guess...the song was...catchy maybe.  Ugh.

-The first award was given for something and Selena Gomez won beating m'boo Bruno Mars.  If it's any indication, my mom was singing along to the Selena song and made some reference to it being her jam so I guess I don't know shit.

-Then Miley Cyrus happened.  With her tongue, her Gwen Stefani circa 'Ex-Girlfriend' hair, and her silver dollar (pancake) ass.  Just grinding and looking a MESS.  Listen, can we all say what she is doing is NOT twerking!  It's steady grinding, but you need ASS to twerk.  Not some flapjack ill looking shit.
She just looked so foolish - and this is not a 'hood' act she is doing , it is a STUPID ho act.  Between she and Macklemore- all we needed was Paula Deen to come out and I would've thought I was watching some Klan 'Coon Clowning' talent show.
...and then she (Miley) brought Robin Thicke out and I realized why he will NEVER beat JT.  Never.  We know my love for blue-eyed soul- Michael Mcdonald and Jon B. are like the high priests of that shit.  I love them.  I own most of Robin Thicke's CD's and have been rooting for him, I even let his work with Pharrell cloud my judgement.  Now I realize that it was just Pharrell's glow-aura that was clouding me.
I was pitting Thicke against JT, and letting Thicke come out ahead!  I forgot how much I LOVE JT- I loved him through ALL the bad hair- cornrows, fro's.  Loved him through the bedazzled bandanna's and denim tuxes.  I rode hard for my JT and then he came out with all his amazing albums and he proved why he deserved my love.
Thicke has had me wavering with him not giving Marvin Gaye props because 'Blurred Lines' is like the twin sibling to 'Got To Give It Up'.  Every DJ with a serrato and a groupie does a transition from 'Blurred Lines' to "Got To Give It Up'!!!  THEN Thicke comes out and performs with Miley Cyrus??  This is what he decides to do with his new found fame?  You have 2 amazing songs to perform, you have Kendrick Lamar n' 2Chainz on stage with you, and you let some flat assed teenager grind up on you while you're wearing a 'Beetlejuice' suit?!  You want the world to take notice of that?!  Robin Thicke HAD this amazing moment and he didn't have to do much because MTV is for the White man ESPECIALLY if they are 'raping' Black culture or just doing things that when Black people do them it's like 'meh or ghetto' but when White people do them it is 'hip, cool and the thing to do'.  Plus they win awards n' shit.
In any case, it's not like I hate Robin Thicke...but he is NO JT and he will never BE JT and that is that.  At least he has a lovely wife, a cute son, and the complexion to keep him moving in the right direction.

-I wonder what Lil Kim had ordered at the downtown Brooklyn Applebee's when they dusted her off and let her announce an award at the VMA's.  Like did she order a Pina Colada and salad or a mud slide and the spinach artichoke dip?
Also, what the fuck is an Iggy Azelia?  I mean, I have heard the name, but why should I give a fuck?

-Kevin Hart tried.  He tried his damnedest, but even he was taken under by the LAME that is MTV.

-Lately, I have been TRYING not to hate on Kanye though he makes it SO easy.  I enjoy 'Yeezus' and 'Blood on the Leaves' is a favorite song.  The performance was very 'performance artsy' which I dug because that is the spiritual plane he is on....BUT then I heard he was on that Kris Jenner shit show talking about his worst nightmare is for a BLACK man to interrupt his daughter winning an award- like he did to Taylor Swift.  REALLY?!  That is your worst nightmare.  Between him and Lil Kim's face, I felt like reading Malcolm X because the Black self hatred is just sooooo present.
...so I guess it's his blood on the leaves from his balls being castrated- is he gonna tell his daughter he is Panamanian or something?? Anything but Black, like his girl Beyotche`- that bitch is Irish, Creole, Native American...oh and Black.
Okay, bitch.

-Seriously, I LIVED for Rihanna's reactions throughout the night.  She was the only thing that kept me from twerking my way to some back spasms.  I didn't get why the camera STAYED on Will Smith and his demon children?  Also that group One Direction...who are they?!  Mostly, the camera STAYED on Taylor Swift and Selena Gomez.  Ugh.  That was when it wasn't on Drake who looked like he was writing sonnets in his head.
Rihanna's sitting over there, but she don't care
Miley got no ass, no it ain't there
Maybe I should've worn just a vest, made of rabbit hair

I think Willow & Jaden Smith were there seeking souls to devour, but were left unsatisfied as NO ONE in the music industry has a soul!!! Moooohahahahahahah

-Was that Pharell and Daft Punk commercial for H&M?

-Of course when Taylor 'I gag on gummi bear semen' Swift won her award she was all like: thanks to the guy who inspired this song, you know who you are!
Bitch please.  You and Miley need to just go away.  Maybe just Taylor Swift because her whole schtick of being this innocent ho is tiring and uninteresting and you can just TELL she is the worst kind of bitch.  One of them needy ho's.  Them fake-humble bitches who walk around like they have a rainbow up their ass, but really they hate themselves and everyone.  They also look through their 6th grade diaries and write songs.

-Who is DJ Cassidy?  Was he on the Jersey shore?

-They showed Rita Ora and Iggy Azelia sitting next to each other, plotting on who's dick they had to suck to be like Taylor Swift.  They also made a pact to always go to the ladies room together as they were afraid of Rihanna and her girls taking their album advance money and kicking them in the vag's.

-Seriously, I would've  risked being touched on the vag by Riri and her girls just to sit with them and do that flawless hating they did.  FLAWLESS.  Except when JT came out and they...we ALL were singing...dancing...being as happy as they could muster up.

-JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE made the hour and a half that I did watch the show WORTH IT.  He didn't even perform ALL his songs and he just brought the house down.  THEN he performed with NSYNC...and I just felt young n' giddy!  I was elated.  I was breathing heavy.
It was just so great.

-.....then One Erection won for Song of The Summer.....they beat out 'Blurred Lines'.  For real.  That was when I turned.  I heard I missed Drake...Macklemore and Katy Perry....but there is not an ounce of a fuck that I give.



Overall...MTV is no longer relevant when it comes to music, talent, taste levels...anything.  It's just there.  That old ho in the club trying.  Wearing spandex and large hoop earrings hoping their AARP card can get them a drink discount.
My head hurt, I hated myself and I felt despair for humanity.  Mostly, I hate that I am from and live in BROOKLYN.  OMG, I wished beatings with 1 million Mandingo dicks upon all those who shouted out 'Brooklyn'!!  What a fuckin' joke.  I don't even know what this borough is any more, yeah there are still some areas unfazed by the LAME, but I just don't wanna claim Brooklyn anymore.  I hate myself like Kanye now.  It's so tough because Brooklyn is a part of who I am...but...I just...
I need some biscuits, a bottle of moscato and Drake so we can write my new album called 'Twisted Uterus'.  Something to help me deal with all this...
Fuck you MTV, Brooklyn, Macklemore's fugly face n' suit,...just everybody.  Except JT and Rihanna.




Friday, August 23, 2013

A Chronicles of Cashmere Short Story: The Boarding House

** Recently, I had a dream where I owned a boarding house-specifically, not a bed & breakfast.   I was also babysitting a friends daughter AND then Rihanna came in needing a room...and guidance.  I was probably looking at pics of her on Instagram or Rihanna is my spirit animal.  In any case, I decided to write a non Nicholas Sparks inspired (I HATE HIM) story inspired by this dream.  Just a way to flex the writing muscles, raise my spirit and somehow write a non sex related story about Rihanna.**


-- The house was quiet as Miriam walked through, just the creaky wood floors and Charlie the cat as they did their nightly walk through the large Victorian boarding house.  Miriam loved walking through the house, she almost felt as if her Aunt Patrice was with her, but she disappeared leaving Miriam to care for the large, beautiful empty place.
It seemed like the perfect (and right) thing to do.  Miriam was stuck in another dead-end job with another dead-end boyfriend and at thirty-two she needed a change.  As if on cue she received a call from the sheriff from the town of Huntingdon, Pennsylvania.  She was shocked that she was speaking to an actual sheriff.
Sheriff Mason informed her that her aunt was missing and that Miriam was listed as next of kin.  He mentioned that the boarding house she owned was empty as well, besides Charlie, and just in case someone needed shelter, someone (i.e. Miriam) should be there.  It took all of two seconds for Miriam to decide to leave her small apartment in Brooklyn and move to a small town in Pennsylvania.
What did she have to lose?
Two soft knocks are heard at the front door.  Miriam only heard them because she happened to be on her way to the kitchen to make popcorn.  Popcorn and Netflix were on her agenda as she pondered what to do with her life.
She opened the front door leaving just the screen door between she and a frightened looking Rihanna.  There she was all legs that were uncovered, wearing 'daisy dukes' and cropped white tee shirt.  A baseball cap covered whatever new hairstyle she had.  Her beautiful eyes were watery and her lips were blood red.  Rihanna was with two gentleman.  One looked like 'The Rock' and the other looked like her accountant.

"Um....Rihanna..." Miriam's natural sarcastic tone was a little extra since she considered that she was being punked.

"Hi...listen can we come in.  We need a place to stay-"  Rihanna's voice was familiar and shakey.

"Isn't there a hotel in Philadelphia or something?"  Miriam asked.  This was just an old boarding house, she was sure Rihanna was used to the finer things...things Miriam didn't have the want or care to provide.  She barely got by making popcorn for herself and feeding Charlie.

"We were told by the sheriff that we should stay with you due to the situation..." 'The Rock' said speaking for the time.  His voice matched his large build as it was deep and seemed authoritative.

"What situation?-"  Miriam asked.

The accountant-looking guy rolled his eyes, "Isn't this a boarding house?  Shouldn't you be hospitable or something?"

"You don't know what is going on out there?"  'The Rock' asked, both of his eyebrows raised.  He tries looking behind Miriam, "Do you own a TV?"

"First, I have taken over this boarding house from my missing aunt and second, I hate what's on TV these days so I watch Netflix...what is going on?"

"Zombies!" Rihanna says, fear in her eyes.  She begins nervously tapping her leg.  "Please let us in..."
Miriam wasn't the kindest person, but she could sense urgency and despair.  She was a human being, so she unlocked the screen door.  When she looked out beyond the people she was letting in, she saw clouds of black smoke.
'The Rock' closed and locked the front door and then leaned a large rifle next to it.  It was the first time Miriam noticed it.

"I'm Brock, this is Nathan and you know Rihanna of course- thank you for letting us in..."  Brock says, though Miriam would still call him 'The Rock'.

"Zombies?" This was all Miriam could respond with.  She didn't mind that Rihanna and Nathan seemed to be walking around checking windows and locking doors.  It seemed like the right thing to do if there were zombies around.
Brock on the other hand, wrapped a large cinnamon brown arm around her shoulders and led her into the kitchen.  Miriam then realized she was wearing a long high collared night gown and figured she probably looked very prudish.  Then she felt foolish for even considering how she looked while talking to 'The Rock'.

"The sheriff told us to come here, Miriam,
 since this town seems to be safe for now from zombies.  Something started in Florida at a Pitbull concert- he went to pull a girl onstage and she started eating his arm.  For the past week it has spread up the East coast.  Scientist believe it started with a bad batch of 'molly'-"

"There are lively dead people eating people because of 'molly' and this has been going on for a week?"  Miriam sits at the kitchen table.  Her head in hands, she realizes that perhaps watching only movies on Netflix and Buffy the Vampire DVD's was not the best thing as she decided her new life goals.

Brock leaned his large body on the refrigerator that was across from Miriam.  His largely muscled arms were crossed, he was quiet while he contemplated his present situation.  He wondered how a gym owner like himself could now count killing zombies as his life skills.  How he went from booking strip-kickboxing classes, to saving Rihanna from being eaten by her backup dancer-which a week ago would have resulted in her reciprocating with sex. Lots of sex with Rihanna.  Instead, he didn't even consider sex with Rihanna because just surviving each day was a struggle, that and the fact that they couldn't shower often and when she wasn't high, Rihanna was annoying.  All she did was come up with bad word combinations and call them song lyrics. When she wasn't 'writing songs', she was crying or trying to seduce Brock.  It wasn't just Rihanna though, it was her assistant Nathan as well.  When he would say things like "we men should stick together" he meant literally.  Brock shivers.
"That seems to about it...."  Brock felt a tenderness for her, maybe it was the old lady nightgown she wore, but he felt like he wanted to take care of her.  He felt weird about it, but continued, "Listen, this is just another battle we have to fight in this world...we have to stick together.  I speak for Rihanna and Nathan when I say your hospitality is appreciated.  I will do my best to protect you-"

"My savior..." Miriam mumbled.  Though she was happy to have people around, especially a great looking guy like Brock and who would believe she was providing shelter for Rihanna?  Miriam didn't enjoy the damsel in distress roll, perhaps it was because she truly needed help.  She had no clue to what she wanted out of life, but not being eaten by zombies was a main goal now.  She just didn't like that some muscle-head guy was offering to protect her, she felt it was too cliche.

Nathan and Rihanna walk into the kitchen, afraid to be alone anywhere even with each other.  Any form of comfort is sought when you're running from zombies.  They sit opposite each other at the table with Miriam.  Miriam looks from them to Brock and then back again.  She stands and goes to retrieve the half eaten apple pie from the refrigerator.  It was one of the few things she had left from her aunt.

"So what do we do now?" Nathans asks as he readily accepts a slice of pie.

"We'll work on securing the house and try to hunker down as long as we can.  We'll take it day by day..."  Brock says, he joins them at the table.  He wanted to nuzzle Miriam's neck and whisper sweet nothings in her ear.  She was feeding them pie and providing more than comfort, she was giving them hope.

"First we'll eat pie though and then we'll figure it out."  Miriam went to go make everyone tea.  In this time of crisis, she realized that she would be okay.  When she caught eyes with Brock she felt as if she were on her way to something.  Something big and definitely not death by a 'molly' zombie.

Monday, August 19, 2013

You Don't Know My Life: The Killing Finale aka Battle of the Balding

** Am finally catching up on some blogging- you know when life ish catches you then slaps you in the face with a dick?  That happened, so now I have to dust myself off and continue on.**



My jaw was CLENCHED! So tight, I just about gave myself a headache.
The Killing tried to PLAY me.  Tried.  They made it look like it was Mitchum Huntsberger (see past blogs about the The Killing to understand who I am talking about), but about halfway through the first ep, I was like: IT'S THE OTHER BALDING DUDE, THE CAPTAIN!
Then the show used a writing technique a lazy writer like myself uses to just FINISH.  It's what I imagine Linden's sex life is like- just hurry up and end this so I can go back to staring off and being awkward...and not feel ANYTHING including your penis.
The writer's just seemed to wanna tie everything up in a not so neat bow and have us really believe this balding captain really killed all these girls.
Okay,  maybe it wasn't so hard to believe- I mean he had creepy factors and it made sense that he had an affair with sweater wearing, aloof ass Linden.  She doesn't scream PASSIONATE to me...but you can definitely distract her with the dick if she were working on a case where you killed someone and didn't wanna get caught.  Dick distraction works for mostly everyone- including Linden.  I thought she was stronger than that...but alas she is not.
So this balding captain does his dick distraction on Linden, covers up 20 years of murders AND THEN gives his daughter the ring of some random dead girl proving he is the killer to Linden?!  I am supposed to just go along with this? ....was it just so Linden could prove she was 'human' by making the mistake of giving the 'nani to a killer?  Then she had to DEAL with it...and the way Linden DEALS with things is by shooting them.  Even when m'boo Holder is like: noooooooooooo stop,yo!
She continues to pull the trigger and kills the balding captain- which is what he wanted her to do anyways.

Ugh.  So you can see I was not into this ending...yet I didn't hate it and cannot wait for next season to see how Holder and Linden get out of this one!  If they somehow make Holder distract Linden with his dick, I will STOP WATCHING.  I promise.

Tuesday, August 6, 2013

The Times I Went To See Only God Forgives & The Conjuring

These were both some dark movies.
I felt like my soul needed a chemical peel...also I may need an exorcism!


I went into 'Only God Forgives' not knowing a thing about it- just that Ryan Gosling  was in it.  You don't need much reasoning after that- oh and he plays a boxer.  This means he'll be shirtless.  I went with my friend Nicole (who writes for this amazing blog) who had a little insight into the movie, yet still not enough to comprehend what we saw.
The story takes place in Bangkok so I mentally prepared to see Ryan bang out a 13 year old tranny prostitute- that didn't happen.  Though he did finger a prostitute a few times who appeared to be female.
...this whole story was bloody and filled with karaoke.  Specifically a chief of police with a God complex and a love for karaoke- he would force his officers to be his audience... Of course this led to him being the most enjoyable character to me.  Maybe it's 'cause I have a God complex too?
The biggest surprise was Kristin Scott Thomas because I didn't know it was her till the credits rolled (told you I knew nothing about the movie!).  Her character was a complete twat and looked the part too, so I have to add her to the enjoyable list.



So far on the enjoyable list for this movie:

-Ryan Gosling's body
-Ryan Gosling's body covered in a suit
-Ryan Gosling's beady eyed stare
-The karaoke singing police chief who knew his way around blades and sharp instruments
-Kristin Scott Thomas as the moms from HELL!

Overall I still don't know how I feel about the movie.  Like...it was so many things but I don't if 'enjoyable' was one of them.  Nicole and I both left the theater feeling weird, a tad dirty and like we'd seen something that we couldn't comprehend.  Later, Nicole text me that the dude who directed 'Drive' also directed this movie!  It explained a lot, but still didn't confirm my feelings about the movie.
I can say I doubt I'd own it like Drive or that I would even watch Only God Forgives again...so that may mean something...



I went into 'The Conjuring' knowing I was going to be scared.  I informed JNN- an affectionate name I call my friend Jonathan who always seems to know current events, the weather and stock prices- anywho, I let JNN know that we were in for a bitchassed treat.  There would be grabbing and I would become a complete bitch!  I knew this because the movie trailer had me spooked and THEN I saw the TV commercials where they interviewed the REAL family this happened too.  That's right folks this was a TRUE story!!!
In the TV commercials they interviewed the surviving children and all three of them had a look in their eyes.  A look that said: I have seen some shit that cannot be explained except that the DEVIL is real!!!
Just from them looks, I knew I was in for nightmares and the like- I love how I love scary movies, but the right ones will really scare the shit out of me making me unable to sleep and I have weird dreams.

The story takes place in the 1970's in Rhode Island.  Typical family moves into house...and then shit starts getting real.  The movie also follows this couple who specialize in ridding people of ghosts and demons.  The husband in this couple was Patrick Wilson who I find attractive for some reason.  So I was excited to see him in some tight fitting 70's slacks!


Besides a bugle-check, I was consistently reminding myself that this really happened...and freaked myself out.  That's when I wasn't clutching JNN (and he me) and SCREAMING LIKE A BITCH.  This movie made me scream twice in a crowded movie theater (I wasn't the only one)- I NEVER DO SHIT LIKE THAT!!  Maybe if I am at home or at a friends, but never in public....but that's just how scary this film is!!!
The devil is ALIVE people...or demons are...or the evil spirits of Salem witches!! Either way I went and bought myself a bracelet of eyes...

Just in case I am hexed and some demon is after me!!!!!!  My life is not a game.  THE DEVIL IS REAL PEOPLE.

Overall, both of these movies were experiences that I suggest you endure for yourself in case your life is a perky kids cartoon and you need a lil time in the DARRRRKNESS!!










Friday, August 2, 2013

The Bone List: Initial Penetration

Hey y'all (doing my Paula Deen impersonation)!
Starting something new (on with the new!) a section called: The Bone List.  This is where I will list three guys I want to bone at some point in my life.  I live in reality and know that these bonings may never happen, but I am also a writer (imagination) and a classy lady so I will include the type of wedding my favorite plantation owner/celebrity chef Paula Deen would plan for us.  YAY festive!

Well you know who I have to start off with....Idris Elba.

My love for Idris knows no bounds.  Though I don't know him personally, I understand that he is EVERYTHING.  He is a MAN- no bitchassedness at all.  He has an accent!  He is older yet still DJ's- so he is refined yet fun!  Um, he is also FINE AS HELL!  Looks like he has some slammin' dick swag and that he would make me some lovely tea after lovemaking.  Awww.  Sir Elba has an open invite forever and always to my womanly treasures!!!!!!!!!!!

Paula's Wedding Vision: I see a beach wedding.  Idris and his groomsmen arrive on one slave ship and Honey T and her bridesmaids arrive on another.  They all come out lined up in chains and once Idris and Honey T become man and wife their chains will be unlocked from their bridal party and will be locked to each other.  They will be led away by my brother Bubba....


Next up is Jason Mamoa....

This man is just....he looks like he can make you laugh while he blowin' your back out- I see a devilish look in his eyes and smirk.  Devilish to me means sense of humor, but this could also mean he is a vegan with some wicked dick play.  Either way I AM ALL ABOUT THIS MAN.  I don't even dig long hair-but this guy is like Samoan which besides 'Blasian', it is the forbidden fruit I'd like to TRY! Mmm mmm mmm...

Paula's Wedding Vision:  Hmmm...what is this?  Is he Mexican?  Well, if he has his papers, I think they should choose any of the many restaurants that his family works at.  There can be pinata's and chicken.  The clean up will be easy after this fiesta!


Lastly, here's Michael B. Jordan....

He is sorta new on my vag scene.  All young, tender, eager and seems like he has some artistic dick swag.  I'm into it!!  Besides being an amazing actor, Michael seems like we would be able to hold amazing convo's after he went all deep in my feminine walls of suction and seduction.  Also, THEM LIPS!

Paula's Wedding Vision: I would let Honey T and Michael use my plantation for an outdoor wedding.  We would have them stand amongst other coloreds-ahem- Blacks and have my brother Bubba select them to breed.  It will be just like the good ole days when we selected which of them could marry n' such.  Nostalgia is a wonderful thing!  They look they would make strong babies to shuck this corn and pick these sweet potatoes....



Stay tuned for more men I want to bone!!

Thursday, August 1, 2013

Good Things I Have Put In My Mouth Lately: The Fried Dough WIth A Hole

I can really give or take a doughnut.  If there are some around or I smell them-I'll eat them, but if they're not around I don't really think about them.
I did make a special trip to the Doughnut Plant that one time but whatevs...
Recently though, I have had 2 doughnuts in my mouth that have blown my mind.  They both curled my toes and made my loins tremble with delight.

The General (Soho, NYC) is a hot spot in NYC.  The Chef/owner is Top Chef champ Hung who I remember wanting to eat his food while watching the show-which now I have and it is DELISH.  I don't believe he is the pastry chef though so I don't even know why I am bringing him up...
In any case try the green tea doughnut!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  It comes with all-spice ice cream and a honey drizzle.  There is a green tea cream in the middle of this fried confection- it could be made with semen and the dreams of all contestants on The X Factor- I don't care WHAT it is, it is DELICIOUS!!!

                                          This makes me wanna roll around on a waterbed!

The next doughnut that is worth a trek is Do or Dine's (BedStuy, Brooklyn)!  I mean I went there for the food...and to explore BedStuy pre-dusk because I don't feel dark enough or pioneering White enough to roam that area just yet.
I've heard about this doughnut so it's been on my radar...I mean a  foie gras with jelly doughnut?!  My word.  That sounds like a womans dream- salty AND sweet inside of FRIED DOUGH????
Then I tried it.  I felt all types of sensations all over my body.  It was PERFECK as m'boo Ru says.

                                                            I will always choose you!

I shared one with my friend at dinner...and then my greedy ass had to get one to bring to the movie we went to see.  The waiter didn't think it would travel well, but he doesn't know about my relationship with food.  Food never lets me down...okay sometimes, but I knew this doughnut would be OKAY!
I was right.  There I was watching Ryan Gosling and eating this doughnut.  Needless to say I needed a cigarette afterwards...and the theater may have needed new seats....OHHHHHH.
....the only thing was, all that luxury of fried amazingness led to me having some EPIC dreams.  Movie styled colorful nightmares really.  I just remember that I was Bain (Batman:Dark Knight Rises)- I sounded like Tom Hardy n' everything ...but we all know it didn't end well.
Perhaps next time I stick to one doughnut and no Ryan Gosling, that was just too much for my womanhood.

From a person who doesn't roll hard with doughnuts-just food in general- EAT THESE THINGS AND IT WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE!!!!