Wednesday, May 29, 2013

As The Dating World Turns: Getting Slapped By That Fate D*ck

Though I am not dating online or...at all (for the most part), I am keeping this section going with choice dude encounters AND I have someone who wants to make me their project and get me BACK on the online dating grind.
I wish them luck.

Over this LONG holiday weekend that was supposed to jumpstart them summer notions...which was tough with New York City having March-like weather conditions.  I still pushed myself (along with the help of some good friends) to be more social.  This meant going out.  By going OUT I mean dancing...possibly with some dudes.  Meant I had to deal and be okay with not being in 'my own world'.

Saturday night we went to The Rub.  This was a party I lived for back in the day ( a couple of years ago), but due to my growing hatred of people and the 'scene', I stopped going.  Since Memorial Day Weekend is about remembering shit, why not remember my recent youth and open spirit?!
After downing some pear cider and twerking a little, I grew wary of the darkness and wack people.  Plus, the dudes there weren't that cute- I mean I thought like two were, but remember it was VERY dark in one of the rooms. 
The 'hip hop' room was PACKED and the DJ didn't believe in playing more than 10 secs worth of song which is annoying when you are trying to get your Camp Lo swerve on!
My friends and I made the most of it...but with dudes looking like bizarro (unattractive) versions of Bruno Mars, DMX , Robin Thicke, etc.- we...well I was not feeling it.
THEN as we strolled by a few unsavory looking goons, one of them grabbed my ass.  I then turned around and punched him on the chest 2 times (real quick like, like Bruce Lee).
To say I was pissed was a mutha fuckin' understatement.  I told dude to watch his FUCKIN' HANDS!  He and his friends were more shocked than anything.  Is this really the 'scene' now?  Dudes can just grab up on chicks and its supposed to turn into a Dream video? 
I left in a huff, alone and hating EVERYONE in the world.  Then I walked passed a 24 hour McDonalds and considered getting something, didn't, and was so proud of myself I soon realized I was over it and ready to hit the town again on Sunday.

Sunday was about Habana Outpost to pregame and then the Freedom Party at Brooklyn Bowl.  There are a lot of factors here:
  • who knew Habana Outpost showed movies and Sundays happened to be Prince's Purple Rain. this is one of my all-time faves which led me to believe that the evening would be pretty awesome...like a Prince stage hump.
  • watching the movie while hanging with my peeps allowed me to not become aggrevated by the crowd or the long wait in line.  the food was worth it tho.  as was the frozen mojito.
  • Brooklyn Bowl is in WILLIAMSBURG (Brooklyn) a place I dread going to, but I actually like that venue so I didn't mind.  I did mind that the L train wasn't running proper, but with the help of friends we got there and I didn't get lost (for once).
  • the Freedom Party is another party I used to attend a lot back in the day, and have ALWAYS had fond memories of it.  best music and chill people.  its good to see that hasn't changed.
So there I am bopping along to the beat n' chatting with m'girls, I stop mid-sentence when I see HIM.  He would be probably the best looking dude I have seen in person, in a long while.  Am not talking just lookswise, I am talkin' make you stop mid-sentence to stare at him all in is face with his height n' all.
He walks by my friends and I a few times- we are a great looking group of women- and we are all like: DAYUMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
It is decided SOMEONE should speak to him.  Somehow I get thrown into the mix...and I of course being the true punk ass I am say: oh noooooooo
Then I don't know what happened...he walks by again and I feel this tingle in my gut (or vagina) and I follow him to the bar.  I literally threw my hands in the air and was like: THAT'S IT!
As I near the back of him I start envisioning what I am going to say, and basically come up with reenacting the Ciara Body Party video!
So he turns around and is walking towards me, he is looking at me in my eyes, I am looking at him in his and then we walk passed each other. 
I am freaking out.  I had no idea what to say and if I just started bending over and twerking that would've been WEIRD.  Then I feel 2 taps on my arm and figure it is some dude I DO NOT want to 'body party' with.
It is HIM.  I can't remember what my face did- if my mouth was open or if I 'Joker' smiled or if my almondy eyes went wide with fear.....
Here is how the conversation went:

HIM: hey, you look like this girl who I worked with at Ecko- did you work there?

me: what is an echo?

HIM: Ecko...the clothing line...-

me: OHHHHHHH...nope. not me.  was she nice?

HIM: yes.  I interned there.  I really thought you were her. I'm sorry for bothering you-

me: was she cute?

HIM: ....yes.

me: you hesitated!  I did not like that answer!

HIM: (laughs) she was cute.  very nice looking. 

me: my name is....[insert my gov't here]

HIM: nice to meet you, [my name].  my name is Sinewy ( to this day I have no friggin' clue how to spell what I think he said)

me: what the hell kind of name is that?

HIM: Brazillian...African...

me: nice! (may have made an O face) do you hear what is playing? (it was Backseat Freestyle by Kendrick Lamar, one of my faves)

HIM: (smiles) yep...

me: like I wanna talk to you, but I wanna dance to this...

HIM: let's go...

He walks with me back over to my friends.  Everyone tried to keep their faces THUG, but I could see them all like: HOLY SHIT she really did speak to him AND bring him over???!!!!!!
Sometimes I come through...or stumble and then come through.  This was pure luck, but notice that I am not so bad at flirting and being somewhat normal when I can be...I'd like to thank the frozen mojito and Prince.
So there we are bouncing around...and then I suddenly become nervous because he touches my hand, and this is like the 3rd or 4th time and I realize that I have gone from checking out the hot dude to bringing him over to my dance floor lair.

me: uh...so who are you here with (decided to just see if the girlfriend/boyfriend/wife bomb was going to be dropped.)

HIM: I'm just here with my crew, we're over there (points to area, I don't even look)

me: so...dudes...

HIM: (smiles) yeah...listen, if you want me to introduce you to my boys I can do that-

me: no, no.  I am happy just meeting you- (he takes my hand AGAIN)  I just have my girls here... (perhaps more visions of the Body Party video can be reenacted)

HIM: oh, well y'all can come over and say hi...

me: great.  I am happy just meeting you though (upon realizing that I am saying this AGAIN, my hand goes cold and shakey.  he stills holds it though)

HIM: good....lemme introduce myself to your friends...

....he then goes and introduces himself to all m'girls.  I feel my face go hot.  I am having trouble breathing.  I feel shakey.  I want to jump on his back.
After he proves he remembers everyones name, we say a few more plesantries before he goes back over to his crew.  IMMEDIATELY everyone is like we are going over to say WASSUP and that I needs to get on that.  I am trying to focus on breathing though.  Breathing and not going over and dry humping his leg.
We made it near his crew but with all the dancing and the laughing- like if you're a guy don't roll to the club wearing church shoes, m'girl Lu will not be having it. 
I noticed HIM a few times.  Dancing around (VERY WELL) and having a great time.  He even danced with this chick.  I just watched him...and then went back to twerking.
In my head, I figured he is one of those social party dudes, who also happens to be nice and well mannered, and though amazingly attractive, not too much of a dick.  He liked touching my hand and had sparkling eyes.  He would be a nice bolster to the ego- a sign to let me know that Slutty Summer 2013 will be ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLright.
I watch him leave with another dude and am like: oh well, that is just how it is.
Over an hour later I leave.  I am looking for a cab and texting a friend when this hand grabs mine.  It's HIM. 

HIM: (smiling)...hey....shit, I forgot your name!

me: of course you did...it's okay.

HIM: (his friend is trying to get him to move on) no....shit...what's your name?

me: (laugh) Of Course.  my name is Of Course.

I then hop into a cab and he is off down the street.
Fuckin' crazy and everyone is all like: WTF?!! Why didn't you get his number?  WHAT THE HELL?!
Fate done slapped me with it's dick and I laughed and kept it moving.  I suck.

Now I may never see Sinewy again so he will always be near perfect and a reminder of how MUCH I SUCK AT THIS GAME AND WILL NAME ONE OF MY MANY CATS SINEWY!!!!!

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

The Place Where I Work: Shine Bright Like A Diamond

Once in a while you forget your light.  You forget that you are not a worn cynical hateful being.  You forget who you are naturally, who you protect with hatefulness and cynicism.
Then one day you're sitting at your desk feeling bloated and a lil unlovable due to a hair situation- yes, you are deeper than this, but everyone is allotted a few shallow moments.
...so you're sitting at your desk when a dude you work with says (in a work appropriate way) that you look lovely, and you tend to believe him because when he is not working, he is a preacher.  He is on #Team Jesus...and though you don't swear by a bible, you can tell he is genuinely good spirit. 
The preacher wants to tell you about yourself, about how you have this warm spirit.  How you emanate golden goodness.
Wow. 

In other work news, the body party is still happening at the gym...when I force myself to go.  It gets tough when its warmer because the gym gets HOT.  Not sexy, flushed hot- it gets that sweating in a very unattractive way, hot.  Where you feel dizzy and dehydrated and you've only been on the elliptical for 2 minutes! 
Telemundo still inspires me to go even though I have taken to calling him a robot.  He speaks in an almost robotic way using big words (correctly) for no reason.  I am clever.
Benchpress and I make eyes at each other in the gym mirrors.  It could be creepy or just sexy, I don't know.  I am still wrapping my head around going to the gym on the regular.  Like I get the reasoning, but how do people enjoy that shit?!  ...then I see BenchPress pumping iron, glistening.  Looking at me in my eyes while he's pumping.  Then I get all type of inspiration and a will to sweat n' tone.
Then I walk my sore ass by some doughnuts all angry shaking my fists at the woes of walking the fine line between sexy thick girl and obesity.

Work has been teaching me to remember my shine, whether it be via compliments or by literally shining due to sweating heavily.  Good times.

Honorable Style Mention....

... i.e. I forgot to add her- Zoe Saldana!  I dunno how because this look alone I have been thinking about/ staring at for weeks!!





I mean the color of the dress...and then you have the lip color...AND THEN the shoes.  Really?!  She be killing them.  I am about to pull a Miguel on my desk...that will hurt my vagina, but it's so worth it!
 

Tuesday, May 21, 2013

Have I Mentioned... Style Wise...

....that besides diggin' Amanda Bynes for her cray and chola style, I am loving these next few ladies I am about to list.  They inspire me style wise...I don't know what this means because I doubt I could/should/would dress like them, but as always, it is the thought that counts.
Listen, in the wake of all these tragedies, I need something to ease my mind...since I cannot emotionally eat since I am trying to have a Slutty Summer 2013 and back fat ain't cute in a tube top.

Kerry 'mutha effin' Olivia Pope' Washington!  She is (has) everything right now!  I remember when I saw her in that Chris Rock movie "I Think I Love My Wife".  Her skin tone alone is like WOAH.  Then I noticed how she rocked events- her style is flawless. 
In honor of Miguel (singer who face planted a girl in the audience with DEEZ NUTS) aka my new favorite, I give her 4 teabags with a twist of dick tip to the nose.

Miley Cyrus?- I know, you are asking yourself: has she hit her head?, is she on that MOLLY?
The answer to both is a solid 'maybe'.  I dunno.  Ever since she cut that hair and stopped singing, it's like she appeared on my radar.  Then she did a twerk video in some type of unicorn cosplay and I was sold.  It's the little things.
She gets 3 and a half teabags with the half causing a snort because nut de Miguel blocked one of her nostrils.


 Elle Varner is a great singer and all around cute chick.  I love her vibrancy and her not being ashamed of her curves.  Her body party is pretty sick.  If I could get my curly hair to be unfrizzy like hers, my life would be somewhat complete.
She gets 4 full teabags with a twist of dick tip and a shot of pre-ejac....this is getting GRAPHIC.  Woah.

OMG!  June Ambrose, how I love thee...let me count the ways.  Only a fellow Gem can rock both high and low end...and pretty much wear ANY THING and everybody loves her.  She is a stylist and pretty much a taste maker.  I adore her and can only hope that one day we can brunch and she can tell me about my life.
She gets just 4 full teabags because I cannot add anything else because Ms. Ambrose is everything...and I don't want to mess the fur.





Jennifer Lawrence's cheekbones!  Are you kidding me with Gwyneth Pussyflow??!!  She is young and like Rihanna she don't give a fifth of a fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.  She doesn't bore me and seems like she eats regular meals.  I also unintentionally have her haircut...but no one would know it because I have given up on styling my hair.
She gets 3. 7 teabags and a slight smurfing (smurfing = when one gets slapped in the face by a semi-erect penis).

Well that is all for now, hope this got your mind off your troubles...or inspired you to shower or something.





Friday, May 17, 2013

You Don't Know My Life: I WAS RIGHT!




Yesterday I was anticipating the Scandal finale and predicted that dude giving Noel orders was Olivia's dad...and I was RIGHT!
How was I right?  Why did I know?
I'd like to say intuition...or that I am on the same extraordinary level as Shonda Rhimes and her writers!  The whole great minds think alike thing.
...maybe it means Shonda should consider giving 'a humble young writer just tryin' to make it in the world' a chance.  Somehow I work in a dance sequence and write myself into the show as 'Liv's kid sister who steals her clothes (they will be ill fitting as I am double Kerry Washingtons size) and her men- mainly Fitz.  #Escandalo

The finale had everything *said in Bill Hader's Stefon (character on SNL) voice*: heart attacks, drilling, blood splatter, no romance novel realness, breakups, makeups,  superpowers and daddy's revealed.
It was CRAY.  I had a tension headache.
I will spend the whole of summer wondering if the 'Liv & Fitz will ever be together because now it is looking like it is NOT meant to be.  Also, can Olivia's mom be played by Phylicia Rashad??!!!!

....AND I have been hearing rumors that because of Scandal,  Black women have been seeking White men and vice versa! HA!  This is just in time for my annual White Boy Summer!!!! - though I will add that White boys with SUPERPOWERS need only apply!

This will help pass the time till Scandal is BACK!


Thursday, May 16, 2013

You Don't Know My Life: Finales Are Upon Us!!!!!!


 O M G tonight is the season 2 finale of Scandal!!
I'm going to have to do some type of yoga and breathing exercises to calm myself down.  The last few episodes have had me either crying, fanning myself or massaging my jaw from clenching it too tight (minds out the gutter). 
 First, the whole Mellie, Fitz, Cyrus and 'Liv situation is bananas.  I mean, I get what Mellie is doing- she is hurt and wants Fitz to LOVE her...but Mellie done forgot that once you Black...you give up presidencies n' shit.
....but for Cy to try to have her killed??? Oh wait, it's not Cy, it's David Rosen n' Billy Chambers?!  Which leads me to this whole Who Is The Mole? thing.  I am just so confused.  I mean, I thought it was Mellie but then they made it seem like it was David Rosen n' Bill Chambers (please note that I say 'Chambers' with the same Southern accent of VP Sally Langston).  Now I am hearing that we STILL don't know who the mole is???!!!!
You want me to deal with that AND the fact that Huck was 'normal' n' had a cute lil family that was taken away by THE MAN aka the government???!!!
...but I am placated by all the makeup sex Fitz n' 'Liv are having-when he sat with her and Marvin Gaye was playing and they were just watching the clock...counting down the minutes to his career possibly being over n' to him CHOOSING HER!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.  That whole scene made it THAT much harder for dudes out there.  Well, the dudes who will ever have any interest in 'turning bills into laws in my vagina'- you gotta have that giving up being POTUS passion! #POTUSPassion
Then this whole Noel working with OLIVIA'S DAD- yes, I am calling it.  The dude that Noel (his name on the show is Jake, but I have explained that he will ALWAYS be Noel) has been meeting with who is head of the shady agency Huck worked for- that's 'Livs dad.  I am telling you!  Not just cuz he's Black, but because how IS Olivia Pope so untouchable?!  I went to college.  I know how to use my brain!
...if I am wrong, then my excuse is I am a non published writer with an over active imagination. #SmileyFace
So tonight I am just going to stretch, have my coconut  milk ice cream ready and try to deal.  There is going to be A LOT going on and I will just have to be like Olivia Pope and handle it!

Another season finale I'll be watching is The Mindy Project- listen, I tried not to like this show.  Why?  Mostly because it had that whole 'I know I am funny n' quirky' thing going on that I find sooooooo annoying about Zoey Deschanel, which is why I cannot watch New Girl.  The Mindy Project is NOT New Girl, I actually enjoy it and laugh...and relate.  Plus, Dr. Castellano.  Oh man, I want to play doctor with that dude for real...even though I think he is really short, who cares!  He gets the Bruno Mars pass (i.e. the short dudes who can GET IT).
I was going to write about my BIGGEST gripe with the show being its lack of diversity- listen, I know for some people one Brown or Black or Yellow person is enough, but when your show takes place in NYC that shit is not legit.  This was written and pretty much covered what I wanted to say on the matter.
In any case, I will continue to watch the show and be entertained...and drool over Mindy's gear...and Dr. Castellano's bulge in his jeans.  Also, I truly enjoy the woman who plays the ex nurse.  She cracks me up.  The show really does make L O L a lot which is rare for a hater like myself.


Wednesday, May 15, 2013

Have I Mentioned....




....that I am obsessed with the Amanda Bynes of today?  DON'T get me wrong, I think she needs help and I think it is sad that no one is giving it to her....but I am just fascinated- yes, that is the correct term.  Not obsessed, I am fascinated by this cray cray Amanda Bynes.
Listen, I watched that What I Like About You show with she n' Jeannie Garth and more importantly Simon Rex -  I am strangely obsessed with Simon Rex.  I think I heard about/saw his large penis and so began my obsession. Am a simple creature.

Anywho, with Amanda talking about Drake murdering her vagina and looking like a chola , she has placed herself on my radar.  She makes me wanna line my lips and just get it poppin'.  She appears to be leader of a one woman wolf pack...and she lives in New York so I am hoping to bump into her.  Our meet-up would include throwing back several wheatgrass shots and taking selfies in the bathrooms of various Starbucks.  I wouldn't try talking sense to Amanda, in fact, we would barely speak.  Just hangin' silently an being cray cray.
I don't know why her brand of cray appeals to me, I just know I look forward to her tweets and selfie pics...even the gifs

AHHHHHHHHHHHH- that gif pretty much says it all by saying nothing at all.
Amanda...honey....I truly hope you get the help you need but I am shamelessly enjoying the wild ride you are taking me on- I just realized WHY I am fascinated.  It has to do with my love of 'keeping it real' aka 'no fronting'.  Now 'keeping it real' can amount to dying which is BAD, but I just find it refreshing when people don't give a fuck...to an extent.  Hate all the phony bitches who pretend they're perfect-I'm looking at YOU Beyotche`.  AB aka AbsolutleyInsanelyCrazy Bitch aka Amanda is all like 'I have my own money and imma just do me n' shit'.  REEEESPECT.
That's not the part that makes her crazy though, it's the whole wanting of  Drake to murder her vag- I respect the being a straight forward woman thing, but Drake?  He looks like he would read your vag a bedtime story and tell it his dreams...not murder it.  That's where Amanda is a lil disillusioned...

She is still  my favorite right now, deal with it.

Friday, May 10, 2013

You Don't Know My Life: The Re-watching of Felicity


 Felicity.  This show was definitely part of my coming of age- for instance whenever I walked across my college campus and caught the right kind of breeze I would hear that Vanessa Carlton song play and have my "Felicity' moment.  A 'Felicity' moment AKA White girl moment is that rare moment when all is right with the world and I can just have deep thoughts about shoes or tacos.The show, of course, was very different, but that was my interpretation....

I remember watching the show before, but not religiously.  I remember liking it, but I had so many things on my mind back then- boys, food, new clothes, boys, food, becoming an actress, etc.
...really not much different from now.
Well except now I don't pretend like I am ALWAYS occupied and in demand.  It is OKAY because I don't have that feeling that I am missing something especially when there's Ben...


No, I just shrug off being social for revisiting my friends at the University of New York.  I felt like I was back in school myself.  All those emotions.  All those finals.
Felicity was crazy for following Ben, but then again, look how her life turned out.  She met some amazing people and GOT BEN!  Just goes to show you that one must take risks in order to be LIVING.
When I watched the show in the past, I didn't get the whole Ben Vs. Noel thing because...BEN, I mean I just thought he was so cute and she traveled across the country for him.
Watching it now, I see why Ben was a a bit of a twat and why Noel was a great choice.  Dependable, funny, supportive, sometimes sexy Noel.  I got it.  In the end though, Ben was Felicity's soul mate.  Though dysfunctional, they worked and I liked them better together.  Noel and Felicity were just better friends.

Four seasons of Felicity was PERFECT. I got into the characters, cared, and then just before I was ready to smack everyone with a 'heeyyyyy' (because they always say 'hey') dick, it was over.  I felt satisfied but still, I had a few thoughts....

  • Why was Julie just the worst?!  Even re-watching didn't make me like her needy whiny ass! No wonder her mom didn't want her!
  • That was mean....but seriously, Julie stays annoying me.
  • It was really all about Javier and Megan, those two always made my life!
  • Watching that show makes me wanna work at Dean & Deluca though I lack whatever skillz it takes to deal with customers and not hit someone repeatedly.
  • Megan made Sean better because before he was just this sad older dude hanging with a bunch of kids.
  • Ben's lips.  He was a loud breather but his lips surrounded by that scruff....dayum.
  • Remember when Felicity lost her virginity to Simon Rex??!!!!
  • They shoulda NEVER changed theme songs!
  • The time travel spell at the end.  That was some fine work!  Don't we all wish we could do things over...but we can't because it would change EVERYTHING and not for the better.
Overall, I am so glad Ru lent me ALL of his DVD's and I was able to relive the moments and the lessons. TV pretty much sucks now, so it's good to have these tidbits to live on.  *sigh*