Wednesday, March 25, 2015

You Don't Know My Life: Woah

With warmer weather on the horizon (HOPEFULLY), one knows that TV seasons are coming to end and one hopes that their Netflix addiction will cease!
It won't.
Orange Is The New Black is starting up again ANNNNND I have to finish all the Gossip Girl seasons, Parks & Recs seasons, Boondocks seasons and then re-watch The Walking Dead seasons!!  I am also re-watching Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt ALREADY (love that show, Tituss is basically me at times without hair).
I hope I am able to maintain some sort of social life.  Here's to hoping!  The way the world is though...highly doubt it.  Netflix doesn't piss me off.  Netflix doesn't say stupid shit. Netflix is perfect...
Where was I?  So yeah, we are getting closer to season finale's with both Scandal and The Walking Dead.  We also have characters on both shows who need to CALM THE FUCK DOWN!

Let's start with Rick from TWD.  I love Rick. I have stated how I want to bone Rick.  Rick is awesome!  Now that he is in Alexandria though, he is in dickmode.  By dickmode I mean now that things are seemingly calm- though peeps be dying- Rick is allowing his dick to lead him into breaking up marriages and NOT to Michonne!  I wanted my 'Park Slope/Fort Greene interracial love' thing to happen.  But nooooooooooooo, Rick fell for the first woman who touched him that he didn't know!  A woman who has an abusive husband who Rick feels needs some dying.  I am fine with that, but I just don't care.
I do care about how Noah aka Chris died!!! AHHHHHH!  Poor Glen- though you know who else needed some dying, that Nicholas dude!  What a punk bitch!  OH and the sweaty ass priest- he needs to go too!  If that bitch isn't crying, he is sweating...or trying to sell out Rick and the gang.  Fuck that dude.  They saved his life and dealt with his crying/sweating issues and he goes to DEANNA n' basically says Rick is the devil!
Carol and Glen are proving to be my favorite characters.  Both their evolution's have made them kick ass and people I would want to apocalypse with!
I hope this season ender does not involve either of them dying.  I can't take any more traumatic deaths!!!  UNLESS it's the priest and Nicholas.

Now on Scandal, Huck needs to calm down.  I live for a crazy-eyed Huck.  When he burned Ellen's wife's back, I was all for it.  Then he just slit Lena Dunham neck like he was flicking lint off his jeans and I thought: the fuck Huck?!
This was big for many reasons because I really didn't mind Lena's throat getting slit, just that I knew it symbolized his character is taking a turn for the worst.  Totally get that Huck wants his fam back, but dude...calm down.  Take it down several notches and let's all figure out if Liv is gonna start sexin' only black men to get back to WINNING!  Her hair and gear are still winning...but Liv has been a loser for a season or so.
The biggest LOSERS are really Fitz and Noel though.  They sit around sipping scotch and gossiping about Liv- or Fitz is keeping tabs on that vag.  They both need to get over it.  DC is 'chocolate city', there's enough of it for er'body!

Tuesday, March 24, 2015

Hole In My Heart

I feel lost.  I feel emotionally stunted.  A tad sad too.
You see I had a routine.  If I found myself walking by the Dough (doughnuts) in the city and the cutey I call 'Darnell'- as in Darnell the character on the amazing show Girlfriends; the second Darnell though- if 'Darnell' was there, then I went in to have a doughnut.  It was a way to be economical, and not gain a shitton of weight.
'Darnell' glowed!  His aura on golden, smile on fleek (yeah I used that term)!  He laughed at my jokes.  I felt he could sense that I was slowly building myself up to awkwardly mentioning how I taste like a doughnut or how he should feed me doughnuts in BED or I'd like him to tell my vagina  a bedtime story.
I was slowly building to any one of those things...but 'DARNELL' HAS DISAPPEARED!
Sure this means I have not had a Dough doughnut in a long while which is great for the upcoming summertime looks of 'RiRi' and 'Amber Rose'- BUT this means I haven't seen 'Darnell'.  Please don't let my slow build be too slow and he has moved on to other holes...or bakeries.
PLEASE don't let me be too late!  I will cry like Usher in the rain!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I will cry and I will slow grind the rain drops!

Monday, March 23, 2015

The Time I Went To Punta Cana aka Escape From New York

There comes a time when you have had ENOUGH.  Enough of the day-to-days.  You need to escape the shit show that may have been your last couple of years.  A time when you wanna say 'fuck it' and wonder 'what would Rihanna do?'
It seems she would take herself on a long weekend to Punta Cana, Dominican Republic.

M'girl Maria and I had been discussing a warm getaway since we felt the first winter chills.  We remembered last years Polar MUTHA FUCKIN Vortex and decided this year would be different.  We wouldn't stand for that shit.  We wouldn't stand for the feel of Mother Nature's taint on our chins.
We were OVER IT.
So we discussed a few spots...Puerto Rico, Curacao, and the Dominican Republic.  All warm.  All with a palm tree.  All with the drinks.
Since we are broke with expensive tastes, we needed the best deal.  Punta Cana, DR had the best airfare/resort deal.  DONE.

Once the tickets and everything were purchased it became the waiting game.  Anticipating, packing weeks in advance, crying through 7 degree weather and then crying some more during blizzards hoping that one doesn't stop you from warmth and wearing short shorts in February.
Thankfully the bad weather held off and we were off without a hitch.  I had a carry-on that was mostly filled with bikinis- I WAS RIRI READY.
Our JetBlue flight was filled mostly with families, couples, dude-bros and chicks on a girls weekend.  I don't know where Maria n' I fit in- we were two New Yawkers who needed warm weather, a fruity cocktail and to lay around and do not a thing.  No clubbin', no tours, no activities that didn't involve a drink or laying about.  This wasn't a trip about exploring n' shit, it was about choosing when we wanted to switch from the pool to the beach.
Sometimes you need to explore a new country, city, island, etc....and sometimes you need to just lay back and sip on a drink.

So we land at the Punta Cana International Airport- where we see our first palm tree and feel WARMTH.  Coats were off.  My lil almondy eyes were blinking rapidly at all the sunlight- the above pic shows our palm tree and the cute thatch roofed airport!
It felt unbelievable!  Almost like I didn't have a summer a few months ago!
Thanks to our seat buddy, Maria and I learned that you have to pay 10 bucks to enter DR. Who knew?!  Our new buddy knew!  He had a wad of cash ready 'because he and his wife always travel here and cash is the way to go'.  I kind gathered that, so I was about that cash life too.

A quick cab ride and we were at the Punta Cana Westin Resort!  The open airy lobby lent itself to breezes that caused you to sway along.  All the NYC tension released from my shoulders and my brain went into chill vacation mode.  It felt splendid!

As we walked to our room, we counted the steps from the pool to the beach.  Literal STEPS!
THEN...THEN...we get to the room and there are two perfect beds and a RAIN shower. Sigh.  After settling in a little we decided to make our way to the beach.  Just to feel the WARMTH.  I put on a TANK TOP, it was exciting.
As I put on my flip flops I thought to myself: it is so on.

The rest of the trip consisted of hanging in the hotel lobby for free wifi, and deciding whether to go to the beach or the pool.  BIG decisions.
A funny random was when I ran into this guy I sorta know from New York.  He was there with a group of dudes which seems like the prequel to train runs and the time I got pregnant in Punta Cana- BUT this is me and I was there for the sun and dranks.
Let me tell you- from the little I saw of the Dominican Republic (actually I saw NOTHING because I kept it resort styles), I will say the fresh fruit juices just about changed my life.  It certainly changed my appreciation for a simple pina colada!  Maria and I enjoyed a numerous amount of rum drinks because everything was just SO GOOD!
Also, while eating breakfast one morning and enjoying a mix of fresh squeezed passion, watermelon and papaya juices, I declared that I wanted to just stay on at the resort and work as a yoga instructor.
THAT'S how good them juices were.
I don't even DO yoga!!!!

I explained to Maria that prostitution was BIG in DR and that we may see some action on the resort, like most of my peeps she paid me no never mind- I mean I was the same person saying that the hot tub was filled with a mean stew of semen and STD's.  Then one night as we enjoyed some hotel bar lobby entertainment-an actual singer- AND free wifi, we saw these OLD ass white dudes with young beautiful Dominican women.  It was QUITE obvious what was (who was) going down.
Maria and I both felt gross after seeing I Blanch Devereaux'd outta there.  Meaning I said something shady, did a twirl (allowing my flowy shawl to flow) and did her storm out of a room walk.
Old Ass White Dudes were definitely a trip theme.  They were EVERYWHERE!  One night while enjoying drinks at the lobby bar, we ran into that dude I randomly know.  Whilst chatting with him a crew of Old White Dudes interjected themselves.  I was annoyed because...NO.  Plus they started with: do you know who you look like?
They ask this of the random dude I know who happens to be black.  When a group of/ any white person/people start out a convo with 'do you know who you look like?' We know it going to either end in a fist punch because of racism or just be chock-full of racism leaving the black person full of disdain and the need to punch something/someone.
Fortunately the random dude I know DID look like who they thought- also random dude I know was gracious and didn't seem to mind the conversation.  One of the flock of Old Ass White Dudes did notice my expression of: go away!
So they did.

There were a few annoyances with asshole-y people with accents and how gringo-fied the food was, but overall relaxation was accomplished.  Sunburns also happened, but thems the breaks.  I never felt myself reach normal levels of aggravation that start at just waking up in the morning to taking the subway to people saying dumb shit to me.  I maintained my zen and it was fantastic.
If you are looking to just lay back and not think about- like how colorism is big time out there, prostitution is big time, or how Haitians are treated like SHIT though they share the island- then take your ass to the Westin Punta Cana Resort.  You just wanna sip amazing drinks- but don't expect much of the food which is fine because...BIKINIS.  Expect a politeness but no genuine warmth from anyone working at the resort;could be the corporate way or the 'bitches coming to my country with their money and lack of fuck giving'.  It is beautiful and picturesque so your selfie game will be times infinity!
Also make  sure your daily alarm wake up song Khia's 'My Neck, My Back'.  It will get your head in the game!
Overall, my advice to you is to GO.  When it's cold and you have reached your limits- JUST GO!  Go somewhere warm, believe me it'll help.  IT WILL HELP!

Thursday, March 5, 2015

You Don't Know My Life: Answers, I Need Them

Scandal and The Walking Dead are BACK!
This means I am back to coordinating all plans around these two shows- I don't think that means I am loser, I think it shows I am loyal and need ME time.
If you are not caught up with both shows STOP READING because intermixed with my bullshit ranting, there will be SPOILERS.

Let's start with Scandal- oh where to begin.
So they done kidnapped Olivia...well the Vice President kidnapped her to start a war and control the President aka Fuckin' Fitz.  The whole kidnapping of Olivia brings out the best n' worst in everybody.

- the worst in Fuckin' Fitz because he showed what an asshole baby he is. NO VAGINA IS WORTH IT.

- the best in Mellie.  Mellie Mels showed that she is ride or die..FOR HERSELF!  she made it clear she was helping Fuckin Fitz get his 'Liv so that she can one day be president, plus she was boning the VP who straight played her for Ellen's wife!

-the worst in Cy...I think Cy is proving that he too is in love with Fitz because he is standing by allowing him to make fucked up decisions.

-the best in Huck.  I LOVE ME A CRAY CRAY HUCK!!  when he gets all googly eyed and torching backs...LOVE IT!

-the best in Abbie.  she straight proved that Olivia doesn't need Fuckin' Fitz, Papa Pope, Noel (Jake)- just her GLADIATORS!  when I saw Stephen from season 1, I got giddy!

-the best in Olivia.  I am kinda sick of the vast array of white men she has available to save her and bang her.  I thought DC was 'Chocolate City'?!  in any case, I am glad she told Fuckin Fitz to FUCK OFF and hopefully she can get back on her grind with a sexy Samoan dude or something.

So Olivia is back from being held by a couple disgruntled Apple employees and she is still on her 'fuck all these mens' steez.  We'll see how long this lasts.  As long as I NEVER have to see Huck n' Quinn bone again, I am GOOD.

SPEAKING of bones, let's discuss The Walking Dead!  Let's discuss how I forever wanna bone Rick and how they steady killin' bitches!- first Beth and then Tyrese!
Listen, I wasn't sad to see either of the hoes go.  Beth with her folk singing and Tyrese with his crying Negro slam poetry steez.  NO THANK YOU!
Now the gang has made their way to another community and of course they are wary.  I mean they have proven they are a family who can survive together.  They have been through ALL of the shit so you can't tell them nothing.  Rick is all like- if these fuckers fuck up, we'll kill them and take their community!
Damn right you will, boo!
I am loving how everyone is still an individual, but they are so tight and cohesive.  Everyone is coping and helping the group in their own way- like Carol aka Activia trying to infiltrate and Daryl being Daryl, just ready to fuck shit up if and when.
I am not sure if this place will be cool, but I am loving how Team Ricktatorship is bonding and making it happen.  Also, imma really need for Rick and Michonne to make a slow, soul penetrating love!  They have showers and beds...he can treat her real nice.  IF THAT WENCH who cut his hair tries to make ANY sort of move on Rick imma be pissed till someone cuts her deep or a zombie eats her. this whole W nonsense.  What does it mean?  Wolves?  Walkers?  We Dead?
I dunno.
Also, where is Morgan??!!!  I think the season is ending at the end of March-UGH!  Hopefully these questions will be answered.  I need answers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!