Wednesday, December 30, 2009

The Place Where I Work: Ego's and Erotica

Where do I begin?
You would think with it being a slow work week that I wouldn’t blog about work. I would write a reflectively deep passage about this past year. Life. Where I am headed. How my soul is coming to terms with me listening to Lil Wayne-in small doses.
Quiet and slow leads to people being bored and feeling the need chat. Chatting leads to revelations and me wanting a camera crew here-no laugh track needed.
….remember when I felt Drake was being hot n’ cold, well there was a reason for that. The obvious being that he wants to slide more than his tip in…repeatedly. Also, he found out that the ladies and I went for drinks and he wasn’t invited. I was like dude quit acting like a chick. I then added that I was about to invite him, but forgot.
He forgave me and now we are bosom buddies. Young Drake was like an unopened bottle of Cristal and I came along and shook him up…opened him and he exploded everywhere-meaning that I unleashed his personality. Well, not really, it’s just that he feels he can open up to me. He finds me to be genuine and non-gossipy; FINALLY someone has looked in my eyes and sees that I could give a fuck. Really. Anyways, he likes that and now does impressions of coworkers for me and he tells me his dreams. He also plays along which is important to me in my friendships…even work ones.
One day B saw us together and gave me a look. It was basically like: holllly shit, he’s about to put.it.in.
She asked where we were coming from and I said we had just finished making love, Drake nodded and shrugged like it was so-so. B then approved of him and deems him worthy of an after work cocktail.
…then last night Drake wanted to take the train home or at least partially. I danced around an answer and wound up leaving with B. I mean its understandable talking to me for any length of time makes dudes wanna ‘take the lil man from inside the boat’...as Phife once said.
In the world outside of my head…you know the REAL world, Drake just wanted a lil train company.
Ah, the ego.
If I feel Drake starting to slip away I will have to enlist the help of Darlin’ Nikki. Darlin’ Nikki has been at this company for a bit and thinks herself a ‘queen bee’. I am calling her Darlin’ Nikki because underneath her corporate know-it-all, I am a mom/grandma exterior, there’s a FREAK. This woman has a lovah. Not a boyfriend. A lovah! A lovah with whom she exchanges erotic poetry with.
Yes, erotic poetry.
How do I know this? Well, B says that one day Darlin’ Nikki asked her if she could think of something that rhymed with deep throat. B probably turned many shades of red and went into that state of where you hear someone, but you don’t because you don’t wanna hear them. When B inquired as to why she needed to rhyme something with deep throat, DN tells her about her lovah and how they do. Being a perv, I told B that DN could do no wrong no matter how bitchy she is to everyone.
Anywho, I guess DN was flustered that day and accidently sent our boss the poem she wrote about deep throating.
Yes.
Then today, B says that DN was working on a new poem. Here’s what she had so far: *ahem*

"All down her throat, his cock was sliding and gliding."

There’s not much I can say after that. So, I am going to end this here…and add that I WISH I was making this stuff up.

Monday, December 28, 2009

The Place Where I Work: 15 Step Huxtable Moments

Post holiday and all is well.
The great thing about Christmas besides family, food and gifts (not just material either)…is that it brings you steps closer to a NEW YEAR. A clean slate. A time to get on the good foot…or try at least.
It’s a pretty significant end of year being that it’s the end of a DECADE. WTF?! Another decade gone, and what a time it was. Can’t believe 10 years ago I graduated from college and entered the shallow, party filled world of fashion (then left). Woah.
Anyways, I feel that 2010 is going to be big. That 2009 was just baby steps leading to the real deal! I spent a lot of this year beating myself up for not being where I felt I should be and thinking myself a failure.
This year, tough lessons were re-learned, mostly about contentment-not complacency AND how to BE ABOUT IT. We all know I can talk about it, now its time to shut the eff up and BE ABOUT IT. Found this whole inner peace thing because I know that I am the one that is steering this ship…
Okay, new age T over n’ out…

Lemme tell you about my holiday Huxtable moment.
Huxtable as in The Cosby Show AKA the Black family that showed peeps that Black people can be educated, wealthy and silly (not all we Black and are very serious abot this). Anywho, I had this grand idea to get my bro an iTouch because he is tech savvy, but doesn’t want to be the douche with an iPhone. He and I have these ‘keepin’ it really real’ phones that are good for phone calls and texts. Please note: I don’t think everyone who owns an iPhone is a douche, some of my favorite peeps have one, am just saying that he and I would feel douche-y if we had one.
So, I get my bro the iTouch thinking that he’ll learn all the tricks and teach me when I get mine later- we both HATE reading instructions. I figured (whenever I got it) I would hand him mine and he would hook it up. Well, because we are made from good stock- he got me an iTouch too. We both did an iTouch dance and I am putting together a photo montage of us iTouch’in- woah.
It felt like something Theo and Denise (Huxtable) would do. I mean it was sitcom-y because he opened his first, and I tried to disguise it and say it was cologne. When he saw the box he was all like- uhhhhhhhhhhhh and I was all hurt…not knowing that he knew the Apple wrapping because he got me the same thing. So I was all hurt thinking he hated the gift when really he loved it and was uhhhh because he has to deal with the fact that we’re a lot a like...meaning he is more of an insane asshole than he thought. Awww.

I am expecting this work week to be like last week. Quiet. Uneventful. Full of me not doing things I should, not taking advantage of the quiet times. Today was just Blair n’ I being crazy. B came over to add her brand of hilarious insanity to the mix. Drake is real hot n’ cold. One minute we’re cool, the next it’s like I stole his bike. Whatevs Drake. What kills me is that I get all upset (not really) because I think myself to be consistent with people. Slowly I’ve come to realize that I have my shady moments. Not intentional though. I just get deep in thought or I am staring off into space thinking about a trip to Puerto Rico- yeah that’s happening. Its cold, people. Cold and babygirl (me) needs some sun on that ass. I thought about doing a euro-tour, which would involve Spain, France and London…but have decided I want to move (and Europe is expensive, yo). It could be to either of those places or just somewhere in Brooklyn. Who knows? Anything is possible really and I’ve been wanting to live abroad for a minute. Why not now??
Okay the HIGHLITE of the day was when Blair was telling me how creepy I am. I was bored so I was facebook stalking the brother of this dude. The dude’s bro is HOT. Young, but HOT.

Blair: You know you’re being really creepy, right?

Me: I am just looking at his pics. He is hot.

Blair: Do you know anything about him?

Me: No. Just know he’s hot. It’s all superficial. Maybe I should write my friend and ask about his bro…

Blair: OMG! That is so creepy. What are you gonna say? ‘hey I like your brother and I facebook stalk him, hook-it-up, please.’

Me: I wouldn’t say please.

*during a silence where Blair is staring at me to see if I am serious, this dude walks by that I hate on sight. he doesn’t have a perm, but he looks like an ex. the guy is really nice though, so I refrain from hating hardcore.*

Blair: You are soooooo creepy.

Me: Dude, you’ve been working with me for how long-you should know how creepy I am!

*the dude I am refraining from hating hears this and laughs, he says it’s good to know…that I am a creep*

…speaking of Radiohead references. I’ve been listening to 15 Step on REPEAT (via the new iTouch). Me thinks the song shall be the theme for the beginning of the year.

To my reader, I hope the holidays were FANTASTIC and the New Year brings nothing but the best-and if it’s not always the best, a great lesson is learned.:)

Thursday, December 24, 2009

The Place Where I Work: Things To Do

Things I should’ve been doing during this holiday induced quiet time in the office:

-writing/sending out Christmas/New Year cards

-writing another chapter

-procuring Mariah Carey NYE show tickets

-contemplating ‘snow boots plan B’

-reading up on the newly passed Health Care Bill

-figuring out the REAL reason behind the Sarandon/Robbins split

-deciding on which dessert to make for NYE pre-game parties since I most likely will not be with MC-awww

-send Drake on fact finding mission: to see if the HEAD HONCHO drinks from a goblet made of gold, diamonds and baby skin.

-start reading the book I’ve been waiting to start for like 2 weeks now…The Likeness by Tana French. It’s the follow-up to In the Woods, which I finished a little bit ago. Have been on EDGE about this.

-planning out birthday and Christmas gifts for peeps in January

Things I actually accomplished during this holiday induced quiet time in the office:

-gave one Christmas card out to my Morning Starbucks Crew because they rock my world. Have stared at the rest of my Christmas cards and think I’ll have an early go next year…hopefully.

-if ‘writing a chapter’ meant staring at celeb gossip sites, reading New York Times online and looking at Facebook, then I’ve been writing a heck of another chapter.

-there’s still hope for Mariah and I, may get tickets next week, but then again hanging with peeps and drinking a bottle of Veuve in Prospect Park may be what’s up. Being anywhere in Manhattan on NYE is the equivalent of me anywhere near Beyonce’s sweaty leotard post-show. Disgusting and disturbing.

-a trip to Sephora to procure more products and my birthday gift that I never picked up! Merry Christmas to me!

-staring openly and blatantly into space

-watching the clock

-eating free lunch, and ate it like I had never been fed before. All this sitting around makes me ravenous.

-searching for a fuzzy winter hat

-contemplating what to make for Christmas dinner

-Sherlock Holmes this weekend? I think so, Watson.

-literally watching clock

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

The Place Where I Work: Bi-Polar Alcoholic

Today was a better day. Felt more like myself, less hung over party girl. Drake now has it in his mind that I am a party girl. I tell him I am not. Most of the time I am mad corny yo-which means I am home or at a friends house making dinner remembering when I was cooler and went to ALL the parties.
Now, not so much.
I think I felt horrible because I drank outside my box-pause. Forgot to mention Friday night when I was drinking brandy- seemed like a winter time elixir. I don’t drink brandy EVER. I hardly drink EVER. Damn the holidays, and the Irish pubs and feeling festive. Will not damn DJ Ryan (amazing) at the Irish pub who basically let me DJ, but surprised me with Warren G’s Regulators followed by Coolio’s Gangsta’s Paradise. This pleased me so much…I think I drank more brandy.

Enough about my bi-polar alcoholism. We must discuss my really nonchalant approach to this holiday season. Like really. Like all gifts being bought tomorrow. Except for those being bought in January when I see more peeps. Wow.- This reminds me of B, Bollocks n' my soul stirring rendition of Mariah Carey’s All I Want For Christmas. It was pretty fantastic and was the main reason DJ Ryan didn’t mind a lil Kaluha (sp) in his Bailey’s- wink, wink. Actually…that would be kinda gross.

Anywho, it's kinda quiet this holiday week so I've been doing a lot of writing and having life convo's with Drake. We discussed him being from the Upper West Side and me being from Brooklyn. He deemed me okay and said it explained my chill demeanor. I said him being from UWS explained why I wanted to kick him repeatedly. He liked that. I then mentioned heading to lunch. He wondered why I was going to sit and eat alone. I said I like eating alone. He called me a weirdo. I say he needs to be comfortable in his skin and grow-a-pair.
Drake looks at me a while, and I go to lunch and happily eat alone.

Monday, December 21, 2009

Woah.

Woah sums up just about everything right now. Work. Life. The muscles in my legs. My ability to NOT lay my head on my desk.
I want to so very badly. This sounds like a Typical Monday, but its more because I did a lot of no-no's on Saturday- that were worth it in the end, but still shouldn't have done.

No-no#1: Should've eaten more than one meal.
No-no#2: Should not have drunken ginger martini with only meal of the day.
No-no#3: Should have looked outside after dinner and decided to head back home to Brooklyn, and not have stayed out till about 4AM when the snow was way higher.
No-no#4: Smart enough to not drink tequila at the tequila den(somebody would've gotten punched), but then not smart enough to say no to whiskey shot and then vodka shot...after drinking 3 ciders.
no-no#5: Waiting for the last minute to grab snow boots, not finding them and wearing beloved fringed Uggs which became casualties in STORM 2009!!! *le sigh*

So, Monday has been about recovery and quiet reflection. I've been humorless, and pretty much have the personality of a pen. I look good though. Looking good is half the battle. The other half-which matters more- is FEELING GOOD. Though my feeling like crap mostly, is my fault, mentally and emotionally I feel good. Long, silent walks in the snow are ways to get your shit in order.
I started out all 'eff that and eff this' and came to remember that when you allow certain things, don't be mad when they happen. Like allowing myself to party during a snowstorm, or not eat, or like dudes that like attention, but not me.
So I can't get all mad, unless its at myself...which I do, but I loves me and I make up by having dudes fetch me muffins, and by wearing knit dresses that keep me warm and show my womanlynutricious physique.

Sorry this is not at all work related, but I was not an active participant in the day-EXCEPT for discussing B's life as an amputee. She has amazing insurance and thinks if she were to lose her arms, life might not suck so much. Also, may have gotten Drake to have a 'burger & martini' party which will involve less martini and more me and his meat. Hmmmm. I told him to invite everyone though.

Honey T's brain is over and out...for now.

Friday, December 18, 2009

The Place Where I Work: Caught A Case...

The day started with me realizing that Christmas is next week and I haven’t bought ANY gifts-yet. I’ve thought about it, went to check things out…but haven’t actually made any purchases. Then I remembered ‘this is ME’, and I know I am a last minute shopper! The important thing is I have a plan. I know exactly what I have to get, and the gifts are quite spectacular-which is pretty exciting.
Needless to say, I was in a good mood. Surprising right? A selfish, self centered grump who’s soooo into gift giving-I’m complex.
Don’t recall the exact time, but I know it was after I received ANOTHER free crème brulee` latte` from my Starbucks crew …and perhaps right before lunch-but I caught a fierce case of BITCH. Just hated everyone and everything. Anything that came out of my mouth was wretched, and I was unapologetic for it. Thought that this case of BITCH could be cured by me getting the snow boots I am OBSESSED with, but that didn’t happen so the bitch factor increased. I love when I don’t have the money or am not fully interested, I see the boots EVERYWHERE-and once I want them. Poof, they’re gone. Kinda like dudes who were at the top of my list of hate-just cause.
Drake was friendly, Blair was her usual spicy self- and then there was me. Eventually I started to feel bad that I was just so evil, and maybe apologized once.
Still have no clue what set me off, but think it has something to do with a thought. I know, GENIUS, right? Tend to do my best reflecting while doing work because what I do doesn’t require much thought. Me thinks I am having a delayed reaction to a situation-anyways I’m over it. Ready to be back to my easy going INSANE self.
Remember, its happy hour with the work peeps tonight!!
Do not worry about Drake and I (having too many drinks and then bonin’) because: 1) he isn’t coming and 2) I don’t shit where I eat.
I talk a lot of shit (come on, don’t act brand new), but when it comes down to it, I am not down with work relations. If he were my soul mate-well that’s just some shit you can’t fight, but I’ve been there and done that. When I was younger and still thought some dude would sweep me off my feet, I dabbled in office dating. It was a BAD IDEA. Pretty much ended with me leaving the job and dude stalking me. Not as fun as it sounds.
Though I mention Drake daily, once I leave the office he doesn’t cross my mind. Hence, him not being a soul mate…though he did tell me to turn my frown upside down-which was extremely corny, but cool because of that fact.
OH, you know what may have also set me off? I saw CloseUp first thing in the morning- well not saw, but had a conversation. Having a conversation with CloseUp (any time of day) is like moving your mouth and no sound comes out. B and I often bitch about how she does this thing where she’ll ask you a question- like hey, did you see that Bones episode where Cam n’ Bones went speed dating (never happened, but would be AWESOME)? And you reply, yes I did and I loved the part where the taxidermist said he wanted to mount Bones. She’ll then look at you and say, well in the episode the girls go speed dating and there was this awesome scene where this taxidermist says he wants to mount Bones.
See how frustrating that could be?! She does it consistently…hopefully the tequila will alleviate my need to stab.
….but what this is ME and TEQUILA! Better stick with vodka.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

The Place Where I Work: Meat Palace

In today’s episode of: Meat Palace, we meet me. An unknowing participant in the days antics which include: meat, magic, pornographic facial hair, Smooth magazine, and high octane trance-including a pleasurable remix to Estelle’s hit, American Boy.

The day of amazement and meat began with House of Pain and Blair both being shocked at how chummy Drake and I are.

House of Pain: (exclaims) He made an effort to say hello to YOU.

Blair: Wow. I’m impressed!

House of Pain: You’ve got the magic touch girl-

Me: No, I’ve got a magical cooch.

…and scene! They look at me, shake their heads and resume pretending to work.
After a bit, a dude I call Pornstache (in my head) walks by. He and I don’t interact; we only smile at each other because he catches me staring at his porn-like moustache. I think about some mid tempo music playing. Pornstache is holding a pizza when- B interrupts my thoughts with a severe need to have Burger n’ Bitches Fridays moved to Gimme Meat Now Thursdays!!
So we went to GoodBurger today instead of tomorrow. B and I did our usual. Eat delicious burgers, talk about the important things in life and then dance it out to amazing trance remixes.
It was the norm, till HE walked in. A few weeks ago B met her American Psycho Killer-Lover…and today I met mine. I only noticed him because he looked INSANE. His head was tilted down, but he was lifting his eyebrows up, facing forward with a De Niro ‘you tawkin’ to me’ look. He walked with this swagger that could’ve been HOT if he wasn’t so…INSANE. I mean, it didn’t look like it fit HIM. In his pressed slacks, side part and ‘gee-golly-wow’ boyish face. He looked like his name was Pete-and he sometimes went by Petey and he worked the trade floor at JP Morgan.
Anywho, I was intrigued. I proceeded to stare at him and he proceeded to like it. Lifting one eyebrow at a time. Looking at me and lifting one eyebrow. The whole time B kept whispering: he’s going to KILL you. I said: I know…but I was just so intrigued by this brand of insanity. B and I get ready to leave, and I ask if I can say hi to him. She says no. Then as I zip up my coat, HE PULLS OUT A SMOOTH (AKA the Black man’s Playboy) MAGAZINE…as if this was going to be his lunchtime read as he ate!

Me: (in a slightly escalated whisper) B! B! He just pulled out a Smooth magazine!! I LOVE HIM!! Do you know what Smooth maga-

B: YES! I know what Smooth magazine is. We have to go. He is going to kill you.

Me: But…but don’t you understand. We are SOUL MATES! (he then turns to look at me and smirks) See!

B: Oh my God! We have to go!

Me: Can I leave him my number?

B: No! Come on!

…Sadly, we leave. All the way back to work I keep trying to find ways to go back to m’boo. Also, had to check in with B to see if THAT REALLY HAPPENED!!!
It did.
I get back from lunch to a chatty Drake. Of course my indifference adds to his sudden lust.

Drake: How was lunch?

Me: Good. Had a burger. How were those Smith & Wollensky sammiches?

Drake: (he shrugs) Not as good as a burger. Did you go to *mentions place that if I name you’ll be closer to figuring out where I work*?

Me: Nope, GoodBurger.

Drake: So you spent 14 dollars on a burger when you could’ve gone to *place that shall go unnamed* and had a good burger at a reasonable price?

Me: I’m a complicated woman. Also, it gives you a chance to take me to *place that shall go unnamed, but be the beginning of Drake and I bonin’ on the regs* so that I can see what all the fuss is about.

Drake: Yeah…

Me: Have you been to Burger Heaven?

Drake: No, how is it?

Me: Not good AND expensive.

Drake: Figures.

Me: Now Five Guys. That cheeseburger with grilled onions will change.your.life.

Drake: Well you can take me there and change it…

Me: Touché….

…aaaannnd scene! Drake then proceeds to do something else- like tend to his sudden erection. Ha! I kid.
During this conversation House of Pain and Blair pretended (but not really) to not be listening. Once Drake was out of earshot and eye…uh…shot, Blair gave me a thumbs up and mouthed: smoooooooooth. HOP proved why she always wins in my book; she proceeded to point in my direction, then his. She made a heart with her hands and then made a hole with her right hand and pointed her index finger on her left. She then simulated us bonin’. It was quite poetic…much like the day.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

The Place Where I Work: Don't Believe The Hype

Always. Always, when you hype something up- like me and the office holiday party- you wind up being severely disappointed…but sufficiently drunk which wasn’t a total loss. The party was LAME. It was hot, the food sucked-there was this green skeet-like cold soup that just as I was about to put in my mouth, B made a reference to it being splooge and I gagged. Gagged and laughed.
Speaking of B, she has resumed her WONDERFUL blog: Post-its From The Underground. You can get her take on life and working where we work. Pretty entertaining. B had to take an unfortunate hiatus because some dude loved her witty, wickedly entertaining n’ smart writing style soooo much…he sent her dick pics.
Yep. He sent her pics of his dick. Via email.
Usually she feels all is fair in love n’ war, but mostly she was skeeved out. Who knew being a smart and hilarious woman could get you dick?? Who knew???!!!

So, yeah. The party was lame. First off, there was NO MUSIC. Secondly, peeps here are boring. Thirdly, Drake didn’t mention till this afternoon that peeps were hanging at the W Hotel.
Yes, you read that correctly. Drake and I had a conversation. A full length conversation. I called him out and he fell in love. Just as I suspected. Actually he thinks one of his cronies- the one I’ll call The Bangout- and I are soul mates! Ha. Mostly cuz we’re both moody. Drake is real insightful. He feels he’s been nothing but nice to me, and I told him didn’t speak to because I am NOT Latina. He chuckled, but stopped when I called him Drake and said I would call him NOTHING else.
Getting back The Bangout- who is being called that because he just looks like he breaks backs. You don’t- okay I don’t wanna know about this dudes life, how his day was, why he hates pickles- just bang.it.out. I can tell just by looking at him…and speaking with him, that I would stalk him for the wang. Stalk.
For instance, at the party I see him walking around. He looked so handsome, and my loins led me to him and I proceeded to creepily follow him around till he turned to look at me like the creep I was being. It was pretty fantastic. I think I apologized and grabbed some more wine (shouldn’t have), and made my way back to my desk.

Perhaps the party wasn’t all that lame because it brought Drake and I closer-well not closer, we’re just speaking. Now, I don’t think he’s office boo material anymore. The thrill is gone. So sad-yet predictable. Am making my official work boo The Bangout, and I think my reasoning is sufficiently superficial.

Something that I think I can hype and NEVER be disappointed will be Friday night dranks with B, Blair, Bollocks, CloseUp (though B and I may take turns shanking her) and possibly a few surprise guests. Should be a BLIZZAST.

Monday, December 14, 2009

The Place Where I Work: How You Like Me Now?!

Why did I let you fool me MONDAY? With your free Starbucks and B’s discovery of the Jersey Shore name creator-mine is The Paris Hilton of Trenton. Friggin’ fantastic. Still, I think B and House of Pain beat me with, The Appointment and The Backend-respectively. *sigh*
Anyways, Monday started out so lovely and then progressively brought me to the point where I ended every sentence (in my head) with: …and I hope you choke on a dick.
I think this all started with me feeling especially cheerful and saying a: Goooooood Morning!! To Drake, who didn’t even look at me and just waved at B. Nice. Then I was just aggravated with work related things…that involved people. THEN someone had to go and eat an orange in my vicinity causing me to itch, and my throat is doing something weird where I now sound like I’ve smoked 20 packs a day. Thankfully the person was far enough away where my throat didn’t close up and I don’t need to break out the epi-pen.
Also, I sound sexier which is a plus. Not that this will help me in wrangling any boys to my yard as proven throughout most of my weekend.- Before I get into that though, can I mention how hilarious Blair is. She compared her ‘love’ for a coworker who doesn’t know she exists to Twilight and I explained to her my Edward Cullen moment…and we giggled and we laughed. Without getting into specifics, my Cullen moment involved guitar riffs and wide (as my lil Korean eyes will go) eyed crazed stares…kinda like when Edward wanted to bite the shit out of Bella, and no I didn’t want to bite someone…I wanted them to bite me, in a nice way.:) The moment was intense and hilarious-and this can also be added to the list I am making as to why I am sexy, but uh…not sexxxy. Awww.

My weekend was pleasant enough, which added to my early cheerful Monday demeanor. Did less drinking and more awkward socializing. Anything social with me is usually awkward, but mostly entertaining.
Have decided-which doesn’t mean I will- to compose a list for myself to look at whenever I shake my fists towards the sky and am like: am I really that repulsive??!!!
The list won’t say yes, but it will shed some light on why I am sexy beast to MYSELF only…and not quite understood by the opposite sex.
Winter also doesn’t help because, like a bear, I like to hibernate. I have to force myself to go anywhere outside of work- luckily winter just started last week so I haven’t been much of a recluse. Friday night it was a mix of being cold, sleepy and clueless. While I waited for peeps at a wine bar, I got hit on TWICE and didn’t notice either time. The dudes had to tell me and then there was an awkward silence. I was definitely flattered and would’ve been interested if I hadn’t allotted myself only a certain amount of energy to be social with my peeps. Anything else was one word responses and grunts.
So, that gets filed under: letting cock ops pass me by.
Saturday I had STRONG intentions on leaving my house, but there was heat and there were movies. I mean I deep conditioned the hair n’ filed the nails…picked out an outfit…contemplated where to go…and then I found myself watching New Jack City- and that was all she wrote.
This gets filed under: never leaving house.
Because I am complex, I decide its okay to leave my house on Sunday during torrential downpours. Even though I chose not to straighten my hair, if it even hears the word rain, it does CRAZY things like go wavy, curly and STRAIGHT. It’s amazing really. In the end it looks like I have one of Diana Ross’s wigs that have been sweated out via performances and sex with European princes.
To top off my AMAZING do, I have these moments where the 15 year old frat boy that I bury deep within explodes out. Haven’t figured out what causes it, but it happens and it embarrasses me to no end. Picture me standing in a classy hotel lounge. Having easy going chats that turn to witty banter, which I can usually keep up with- no no, not this time. This time I decide in a slightly empty hotel lounge (because my voice echoed) to invite with hand motions pointing towards my crotch and by saying: there’s enough for everyone …
…to two of my dude peeps, one of which looks at me, and because of an earlier convo, says: I understand now.
Meaning he didn’t understand before why most guys don’t like me back, but he got it just then. I shrugged and held my face in my hands.
This gets filed under: not having better hair strategery and not killing the 15 yr old frat boy within.

Of course today my hair is fabu! All full n’ wavy. Looks like I care about myself. That’s one good thing about today-OH another is my restraint. Restraint from chocking a bitch…REALLY. CloseUp has her moments when I think she’s cool and others when I to kick her shins. The other night we were taking the train together and she turns to me and asks (seriously): Have you heard of Lady Gaga?
I stare at her silently, then very bitchily respond: um, yeah. Who hasn’t??
She says she just learned about her from gay best friend the other day. I tell her he wasn’t being a very good gay because Gaga has been out for a while. CloseUp then says that she wants me to hear this one song by her and proceeds to coyly take out her Discman…which again makes me *heart* her. We then discuss how my dad had to force an iPod upon me because I was content making mixtapes and using my Sony Sport (because I drop shit) walkman.
So, CloseUp was on the good foot, until everyday since she has asked me if I have heard of Lady Gaga which has me believing B when she says that she may be semi-retarded.

Friday, December 11, 2009

The Place Where I Work: Bad Romance

Corporate America will kill/slay/eradicate/mutilate your soul, but if you are strong of will, you can persevere. When I first entered the corporate arena, I was young and didn't understand the game. I'm older n' wiser now, and totally get it. Its a mix of:

-give a lil bit of a fuck, or at least appear to.
-look clean and don't dress like you're headed to the club...even if you are after work
-don't lose focus on dreams/aspirations...especially if they don't involve status climbing in corporate America.

The reason why I allowed Corporate America to rape n' pillage my soul before was that I lacked focus. Didn't know what I wanted to do with my life. One minute it was culinary school and the next it was moving to London to work at a publishing company.
Now, I am focused on writing and letting life's adventures do what they may. Its a pretty serene way to live. Am not caught on where I should be or what I should be doing, am just trying to live yo!
So what does this have to do with my work hijinks's?
Well, I felt myself almost regressing back to being full of rage and disappointment. Its not like I mind what I do and I'm cool with the peeps....its just the grind. The MTA. The hoping that I don't get sucked into not 'living the dream' again.
Just a lot of me over thinking everything....but I realize that I am going to be okay. Dreams will be fulfilled, and I am so great at multi-tasking and grabbing the balls of life (...and men*wink wink*). Also, I can just look at B, who is doing the '9-5 thing' and just completed her first play (outside of school)...that is being produced and is fantastic.
So, it can be done.
Speaking of B, we had our weekly 'Burger n' Bitches' Friday (different themes, same burgers). This time we just danced it out to club remixes and discussed the complex psychological after effects of slavery.

Today was pretty tame though. Have been given more responsibility, which shows that I am not a total slacker...which is nice....UNLESS it cuts into my blogging/writing/facebook time. Then its a problem. Today my extra responsibilities cut into time needed to get Mariah Carey concert tickets!!!! I.WILL.DIE.and then come back as Hello Kitty in a white thong bikini wearing 6 inch heels...whew. This show is such a MUST SEE!
This week has been pretty busy though with after work activities and planning for the holiday party on Tuesday. I am going to be at work from 7AM-7:30PM. Nothing about that is cool-EXCEPT for the over time. I will definitely stab someone by 8PM Tuesday night though. Stab.
One of Drakes cronies asked if I am joining them for the holiday AFTERPARTY and I said hells yeah!!!-which could be the worst mistake I've ever made. Imagine me, already tired and then add alcohol to the mix...and then sprinkle in some Drake. As Gaga says, "this could be a bad romance, boo'.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

True Story: Recent Conversations pt 4

Here I am killing another 2 birds with the same stone. This conversation happened at work, it is not one of the better ones, but it proves my knack for placing my foot in my mouth. Also my resolve to give a fuck-sometimes.
The setting is: Blair and I doing our usual…trying to keep each other awake when it’s not stark raving INSANE up in this piece. We have these quiet moments where we say inappropriate things, discuss life, play office survivor, and say mean things to each other till we hurt. Aww. It’s a great budding friendship. Things got interesting when Drake got into the mix.


Drake: (actually smiles, waves) Hello…*mumble, incoherent something or other* (he then makes a fast escape before he was made to say ANYTHING else- he also pretends to work)

Blair: …did he just say hello to …you? (is shocked because she knows I *heart* him and that he hates me)

Me: Yep.

Blair: He just said: hello buddy. You guys are buddies now?

Me: No, no…he said: hello LOVER! We are lovers now, but keeping it on the DL.

Blair: (looks at me un-amused) No, seriously…he said: hello buddy. Who says that? When did you guys become ‘buddies’?

Me: We are lovers.

House of Pain: He has a girlfriend.

Me: I don’t care. (look at them) You know I am kidding right? I don’t really want him…

Blair: I don’t know. You seem like you love him. He seems like he loves you…buddies? (says to self)

Me: Lovers.

{Drake who was never too far- and though we were speaking in low tones- looks at us and shakes his head without smiling. He then looks at me and smirks.}

Blair: Shit, he totally heard us.

Me: Yep.

Blair: Well at least all your cards are on the table…

Me: (slightly freaking out) Man, he’s gonna think I want him! I just want him to be my office boo!

Blair: You do a lil bit…

Me: No. He is my office boo. Just some fun to make the day go by faster. Ugh.

House of Pain: You are such a guy. The moment things get real, you’re all ‘I didn’t mean that’.

Me: You speak many truths…

House of Pain: I know.

Blair: Well, I wouldn’t worry, its not like he speaks.

...aaaannnd scene!

True Story: Recent Conversations pt 3

This will kill two birds with one stone because this conversation took place at work-so it counts as a work blog as well. Yay.
Remember that Black dude with a perm-wears his hair in a ponytail-and I hated him ON SIGHT?! Well B so cleverly came up with a name for him: Black Tom Cruise…because he is the Black Tom Cruise. They are both short legged, walk with a kick, dress like they should be/probably are gay AND they’re annoying, but you can’t put your finger on WHY.
OF COURSE because I hate dude on sight, he LOVES ME.
So this happened:

Black Tom Cruise: …so you’re Caribbean right?

Me: No. (short as my answer was, I was still pleasant)

BTC: You’re not…really?

Me: (still pleasant) No. People always think I am, but unless the Caribbean is in Brooklyn…

BTC: So you’re not from the islands?

Me: No…

BTC: You have family from the South though?

Me: Yep.

BTC: Man, you really look like you’re from the Islands though…(I remain silent, not trusting myself. I’m bound to say something hurtful to this guy, so I just shrug my shoulders thinking silence would cause him to venture elsewhere, but I am not that lucky) So, I’m about to go to lunch…

Me: That’s cool, enjoy.

BTC: You should go with me…(the look on my face must’ve been SOMETHING, something I wish had captured on film. He begins laughing nervously-)…just kidding.

I remain silent till he walks away. He has since kept his distance, which is better for the both of us.

Monday, December 7, 2009

The Place Where I Work: Fumbling.

I knew today would be A DAY when I found myself standing in my living room staring off into space. Some nagging thing shook me out of my reverie...it was a thought. There I was fully clothed-in professional attire, and I knew there was something I was forgetting.
Then it dawned on me. I HAD TO GO TO WORK.
Yeah, that happened. I'd like to blame lack of sleep or the alcohol (all weekend), but I think its age and having too many thoughts.
If only I could breeze through the day without thinking so much. Life would be easier. I would get more dates. Ah, it could all be so simple.
Alas, I am me, so I get to zone out and arrive 10 minutes late to work. Then when I get to work, I just keep fumbling. Little mistakes though, that were fixable...but they were dumb mistakes all the same.
After drinking some coffee and memorizing a few more words from my 100 Words to Make You Seem Smart book...a gift from a dear friend who also said: not that you need it. Today I needed it, I am running on nothing. Don't know what is going on. Went to bed at a decent time-OH, but then I couldn't fall ASLEEP! Was so tired, but couldn't sleep. Worst feeling ever.
Blair and House of Pain just laughed at me most of the day-which was cool, at least I brought amusement. I was able to get back at Blair though (I don't eff with HOP too much because she is an Irish gangsta AND studying to be a nurse-so she would know exactly how n' where to stab me to cause the most agonizing pain)- you see Blair revealed she is prone to weird illnesses. Like she had Scarlett fever...TWICE. I am like isn't that some Victorian day disease! How OLD are you??? This went on. Things got worse when I brought up how we were supposed to go out one night, but Blair fainted in a store and had to sleep all day. It was then decided that though Blair may be 23 she is like 98 in dog years. House of Pain and I are getting her a LifeAlert bracelet for Christmas, awww.

I started feeling a little more like myself after some coffee, but then I had to hang out at the bank for an hour. Very aggravating.....but I was thanked for my patience, which is saying a lot for me. I'm glad my vast maturity and logical nature shines through-sometimes.

The high lite of my day was finding a vending machine on my floor has GOOBERS!! Mmm mmm milk chocolate covered nuts. Lil bags of DELIGHT!!

Friday, December 4, 2009

The Place Where I Work: Fickle Friday!

Friday!! My first full-regular week at the new job...and still, so far, so good. This pretty much sums up my feelings: when asked by the Black dude with a perm if people were treating me nice I responded, " I don't care as long as I get paid and can just do my job."
He laughed, got a semi and now I can't shake him! Of course, the one dude I hate ON SIGHT loves me! Its really only because he has a perm though. He seems nice enough, but I am a fickle creature-so EFF that guy.

Today was a day of discoveries and hijinks's. First, Blair and I worked a lot together which is always funny. It was mostly me mouthing 'I love you' to Drake-and almost getting caught- and Blair telling me I am coming on too strong. Then this consultant dude offered Blair a job because she's from Jersey- which she will no longer admit thanks to MTV's Jersey Shore (AKA the best show on TV). Once the dude left I let her know that that the dude's job offer was more along the lines of a HAND/BLOW job. B agreed (we were on our way out to lunch). Blair told us not to be so negative, and I said there is NOTHING negative about cock...unless you're a lesbian. Then B and I chuckled and left for BURGER n' MURDER Fridays!!!
Well, that's what we call 'em anyways. We decided to have lunch together on Fridays...which will mostly consist of us sharing a fries/onion ring combo and wine. There is murder involved because B may have met her own American Psycho at the burger joint.
There he was-all blonde, square jawed and preppy. He spotted B's mams (they are superb) from afar and was enamored. When he sipped his milkshake, he looked at her and said: YUMMY.
Basically, he was perfection. Only thing was, there was a plastic tarp covering his apartment floor...for the murdering. Thankfully B hasn't fallen victim...yet.

This afternoon I have discovered yet another glitch in my superbly strong amazing self- I am weak. Weak I tell you. Dudes make me weak. Even when I see no hope or possibility- there I am hoping and thinking the impossible.
No worries, I'll fall on my face soon enough.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

The Place Where I Work: Rock Groups, Tigers and Blair-Oh My!

I am oh so sorry for being lame and not blogging about my work day yesterday, but I've been too busy playing on school night's which I am getting too old to do. Plus, I love sleep so much. Love it.
Anywho, it wasn't like anything too thrilling happened yesterday at work. It was mostly me being sleepy which means loopiness and therefore laughter. Thankfully, I work closely with House of Pain- who is really hilarious and cool, and Blair- a coworker I haven't introduced you to yet.
Let me preface my introduction to Blair by saying I *heart* her. I call her Blair because she reminds me of Blair from the classic TV show Facts of Life. She is all American, girl-next-door (not them whores on E!), young and still has dreams. I deemed Blair worthy of my curiosity and minute affection- meaning I would look out for her (we started on the same day) and have her back- when this guy walks by and she turns to me and says, "...ever see someone that you just want to punch in the face...like you don't know them, but you can just tell they need it."
I slowly nod, eyes brimming with tears and I say, "...all the time." We smile at each other and fates have been sealed.
Blair also knows of my unrequited/non-existent 'love' for Drake. She has the same type of thing going on with a guy who sits across from us. He barely acknowledges her, but at least he's not straight MEAN like Drake is to me.
There I was trying out my funny on him and he looked at me like I said nothing at all. He really has NO IDEA what he's in for. This just means I will make fun of him till he loves me- its like when Mike Tyson said he'd fuck ya till you love him, it's like that but with less lube.
Drake does stare at me a lot and Blair thinks he's scared of me for some reason. AGAIN with the scared. I really don't get how I scare some guys- yet I have some guys ballsy enough to tell me I'm sexy and MUST be Dominican or Puerto Rican. Perhaps ignorance allows for courage, but that shit just makes me stabby.

Oh, because House of Pain, Blair and I are so cool...and hilarious, we have formed a metal band called The Ladies. Its a lot of screaming over shrilling guitars, but we have potential. Our inspiration came from daily insanity...and this tiger pin brooch I bought. Thanks to B, I realize it looks a tad Ed Hardy- only a lil less douche-y and more BAD ASS! I bought the brooch as an act of rebellion against CrazyEyes who roundaboutly deemed herself a more conservative dresser. The one who has the white lace gloves and the CRAZY EYES.
I saw the pin and was all like EFF YOU! I'LL SHOW YOU CONSERVATIVE!!
*sigh* The pin is awesome though. Awesome. The tigers mouth is all open, showing fang...and the inner ears are pink jewels. So fantastic!

...'member how I was worried about me and the 2 Starbucks I would have to 'takeover' in order to make my work days more...easy-breezy? Well, I don't wanna toot my own horn, but DAMN I am GOOD! We all know how I have my morning crew in my building which includes: Mi Amour (the guy who told me he loves me and is waiting for me to love him), SeanKingston (cuz the dude looks like Sean Kingston-he is buddies with Mi Amour, so even if Mi Amour is busy or away, Sean takes care of me. he knows my drinks and has them waiting for me by the time I pay-LOVE HIM. he also upgrades and gives me free snacks. LOVE HIM.), Lil Asian B (this dude is little and Asian and LOVES B- I have suggested a double date picnic with me and Mi Amour, B declined because she knows they'll just bring them wack Starbucks sammiches). That is MY morning crew. There are a few interchangeable lesbians, but for the most part, the fella's take care of me. Now I've come to realize I can't go to my building Starbucks in the afternoon because of the LESBIAN TAKEOVER. Seriously. No dudes or straight chicks. All lesbians. One would think I would THRIVE. Wrong. They always get my drink order wrong and give me attitude...AND they don't hook me up. Eff them broads. So, I have to go to the other Starbucks in the afternoon where I have another barista boo who *hearts* me and hooks it up. All because I am friendly...and the cheekbones. The calling cards to a barista's heart. Awww....

The high lite and probably WINNER of the week is B introducing me to the website makemebabies.com. Let's just say when I am not working...I am makin' babies. Yes, I have mated Drake and I, and our baby is CUUUUUUTE. Have also mated myself with a few celebs... and those have come out a bit iffy.
I HAVE NOT mated myself with guys I know because that ish is creepy....and I feel that I am fertile enough as to where just making it happen on a website will make it come to be FOR REAL.
Want kids, but um...I'm just a broke bitch trying to live Bloomingdale dreams with Target money.
...oh and then there's that whole baby daddy thing.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

The Place Where I Work: Not Today.

Today has been a day. Its not like there was anything that majorly sucked, it was just a day. Can't put my finger on it, but I kinda wanted to punch today and I don't know why.
I mean there was a pizza party because the company is doing BIG TINGS...and we get rewarded with pizza. Pizza that I did not eat because I was way busy and not in the mood for pizza. Of course today being what it was, I didn't even have lunch-which didn't afford me to have a mood about pizza! Should've eaten it while the eating was good!
So, it was just me, an iced green tea and some gingerbread loaf for lunch...which means I am pissy. Hunger makes me stabby.
The bigger picture is I am closer to my goal of the chinchilla bikini-which is way more important than my health...or the health of others-you know the people I'll be stabbing.

We all know how I am looking forward to the holiday party. The perfect place to observe and take mental notes. In addition to this, Bollocks- another person I work with, she is called Bollocks because she is from England and is just a hoot. Hoot.- so Bollocks suggested that we-the people in my group all go for drinks the Friday after the holiday party! B and I had our hearts set on this spot Bobby Van's because it seems like rich moneyed white haired White men hang there..so we assume the whiskey will be good. Plus its called Bobby Vans. Another plus, is that we won't have to scream over loud trendy music and have to elbow bitches wearing Thory Birch in their rib cages. Just good ole fashioned getting drunk 'n talking shit. Well to a certain point. Mama didn't raise no fool. B and I won't let our hair totally down...only in a loose chignon.
Should be a good time FILLED with excellent stories...and perhaps some dirty deeds if Drake goes, which I doubt. If he does though...just keep me and the Patron AWAY from each other.

Oh another great thing about the holiday party- is the outfit. B and I are going to get the same dress in different colors-okay not really, but it would be a good idea. Most likely I'll wear what I've worn to work and hope it isn't wrinkled or stained with food because I am can be a clumsy beatch.

Tomorrow, when I hopefully won't find myself staring at my nails like today, I will introduce you to 2 more characters: Don Juan and Blair.
For now...adieu.