Sunday, May 30, 2010

Brave Face/Sad Face


I have a thing with heights.
It's not that I have I have full on acrophobia, it's just that I get a tad antsy being up high.
Love roller coasters, have been to the top of the Empire State Building (a few times), have done the CN Tower thing where you walk on the glass floor and look down upon the city from 100 million ft in the air...and I've tried to do the London Eye twice, but it was closed both times.
Can face my fears-it's tough-but I can do it.
To add to the fear facing I checked out the amazing Big Bambu rooftop exhibit at The Met. The piece was thought up by twin brothers, Doug and Mike Starn, they too have a fear of heights, but thought it would be cool to build a 40ft high cresting wave made from bamboo tied together with nylon rock climbing ropes.
The piece is being built in stages, I went to the 20 ft phase. It should reach its full potential by mid summer (it runs until October 31st).
Since the bro's- were- afraid of heights, they enlisted rock climbers to build the structure.
So, initially I was like: oh shit.
That built to a: what the fuck am I doing??
The tour guide joked with me and this helped me work through my ...uh...anxiety. Once I stood still and really took in the piece, I was amazed by it. There is a peacefulness among the chaos. Kinda like walking down a tree lined side street in Brooklyn and forgetting that you're in NYC. The tweeting birds, the quiet serenity.
Tree's were attached to some bamboo pieces so when a gentle breeze comes...and you're watching the sun set over the city...you think to yourself: life is okay...and I haven't had one mojito.
The tour guide was sure to inform us that Big Bambu had to pass all kinds of building codes in order for people to walk through it-whew. Also, bamboo-like my heart- seems tender, but is very strong.
Facing ones fears can be an exhilarating ass gripping experience...

On the flip sad-I mean side, after walking about the city I've found that two of my favorite eating spots have shut.down!!! Empire Diner and Bonjoo. Alas, this is New York City, and I still have plenty of good eateries to go to, but the sliders trio at Empire Diner...and the galbi at Bonjoo were some of my favorite things to put in my mouth!
Now the hunt begins to find replacements.
Don't be shy with suggestions.

Thursday, May 27, 2010

The Place Where I Work: Did It All for the Cookie

Right now I need a cookie.
Other than that I am treating this Thursday like a Friday…because IT IS like one! At 5pm I begin a 4 day weekend filled with splendor and hijinks- hopefully some sleep as well.

Another quiet day in the office- it is always a quiet day in the office. I mean there are only like 4 people here. Maybe 5…who knows. There’s Mr. Burns who I introduced yesterday. GeekAnime, is this nervous sliver of a dude who has framed anime in his office. He seems geeky as well or maybe it’s his nervousness. Who knows? Because I have a fondness for nerds which is close enough to geeks, GeekAnime and I should be cool. Mr. Burns and I, I dunno. He’s just another stupid rich older White dude with 2 houses and a sense of importance simply because he is loaded.
He and I may knife fight, but I think if he stays in his lane and I keep working for 3 days, all should be well.

As for love in the club, club-i.e. the office- well no one in my general area is lust worthy. There IS a dude who sits on the other side of the floor who I keep ALMOST bumping into-literally. I am calling him Mark Darcy simply because he is British and I feel like Bridget Jones-yes a ‘plump’ White English woman- when we have our interactions. He does eye me like I am a walking scone n’ tea so we’ll see how it goes.
More importantly, I have already charmed one of the chef’s in the CHEAP KITCHEN- I keep it simple, you feed me well and you’ve got a friend for life! I dunno what it is about certain men feeling I am not eating enough, they need to slow their roll…or at least butter it…
Okay they need to realize that IT IS summer and I need to show SOME restraint so that I don’t start a forest fire betweenst my thighs because of all the rubbing- though anything going on between these lovelies will be seen as a GOOD thing.
I don’t have a name for the chef just yet, but he is well on his way to a GREAT one!!

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

The Story of We: Episode 3



Episode3: We Can’t Stop, We Won’t Stop
Screenplay by Honey T
10/25/07




Setting: In NYC, of course, the story takes place at The Gap, in an apartment, in a Starbucks, at a bowling alley, on a music video set, at St. Vincents Hospital, at the Nyurican Cafe, and at Hooters. The story and characters tend to move all around the city…its boroughs and islands. The year is 2007 and the world is as it is. Reality is real.

Starring:
Taylor Greene- 20’s, witty and aloof
Britain Sawyer- 20’s, clever, cute and sturdy
Josephina Fergus- 20’s, cute, sweet and rage-filled
Lorna Long- 20’s, drunkard, respectable, leads a semi-charmed life
Marilyn Herringbone- 20’s, hater, mom
Kurt Sandleback- 20’s, mysterious, eccentric, moody
Acorn Dillon- 20’s, artist, rapper, babysitter
Featuring:
Spearchuck Openhide- ageless, doctor, playboy
Santo Domingo- 20’s, Latin heart throb, assassin
Darwin Jeffries- 20’s, choreographer, hippy, neo-souler
Fifty Cent- as himself
Justin Timberlake- as himself
Phillip Seymour Hoffman- as himself
Mos Def- as himself
AND
Steve Carell as Mr. Starbucks




Scene 1: It’s another day at Starbucks-ICU. Taylor is making coffee, Kurt is making sure the expresso filled syringes are displayed, Josephina is behind a register adjusting her cashmere bullet proof vest (its under her green lab coat), Britain is making a drink for a customer, and Spearchuck is refilling the napkins and cursing all of them under his breath. All is well in their world…until Lorna steps in. She has on sunglasses and is carrying a small bottle of Veuve Cleuqot with a straw in it. The instrumental/muzak version of ‘911 is a Joke’ by Public Enemy is playing.

Taylor:
Lorna, hey! Welcome to our Starbucks- (does game show showcase hands)

Lorna:
You do realize you are located in a hospital! There are dying people around. (sniffs the air with disgust)

Britain:
L, we know. There are tons of living people around too-

Lorna:
Barely. Not enough to drown out the smell of the dead. Smells like backstage at fashion week…rotting corpses. (sips her Veuve)

Josephina:
The dying ones are still brought a few fleeting moments of joy with our tasty treats, wonderful demeanors and innovative drinks. (smiles proudly)

Taylor:
(eyes Lorna) What’s up with you L, you seem a bit off.

Lorna:
Who me? Nothing- okay I am anxious because my step cousin is in town and I know for a fact, from Mr. Starbucks himself, that you guys are going to be shut down. (Josephina, Taylor and Kurt gasp, Spearchuck chuckles)

Kurt:
We’re the most popular Starbucks in the city, our gross is like…major-

Lorna:
That’s fine and all, but being in the ICU is not making Mr. Starbucks happy-

Taylor:
Like you know him.

Lorna:
I do. Personally.

Britain:
Personally…eh….(she and Taylor smirk at each other)

Lorna:
I know pretty much everyone, I am personal with very few.


Taylor:

What’s this about your step cousin- (just then the doors to the ICU open and in walks Darwin Jeffries, Lorna’s cousin. Britain, Taylor and Kurt’s mouths drop open, Lorna sips from her bottle of Veuve)

Darwin:
Not cool cuz, leaving me in the emergency room.

Lorna:
Sorry kiddo, wasn’t sure if Starbucks was your scene.

Taylor:
(whispers) Amazing…

Britain:
(whispers back) I know. Never seen Lorna nervous.


Taylor:

British accent. Tall…sexy-


Britain:

You’re droolin’!

Lorna:
Everyone, this is my step cousin Darwin. He’s from England. He likes footie and rootbeer.

Darwin:
What about long walks in the park and holdin’ hands? (he gives a bothered look and waves as everyone just stares at him, except Josephina who is icing cupcakes)


Kurt:

Lorna, you know he’s Black right…

Darwin:
Actually, I’m Jamaican and Irish- (Taylor slumps and Britain holds her up, Taylor is murmuring about her loins aching)

Kurt:
…but Lorna is still Asian….

Lorna:
So?

Kurt:
So….. (smiles shyly, looks from Lorna to Darwin, Darwin to Lorna)

Darwin:
So these are your friends, eh?

Lorna:
They’re a lot smarter than they seem.

Britain:
(waves with her free hand) Hey! Still standing here.


Darwin:

This place is giving me the willies. (shivers) I’m gonna check out that park we passed and do some tai chi- nice meeting you guys.

Taylor:
(leaps forward, Darwin jumps back) Hi. Taylor. You’re nice…

Darwin:
Thanks…uh….- (slowly backs out of the ICU, leaves)

Lorna:
So that’s my cousin.


Britain:

Seems cool. Why are you so anxious?

Lorna:
Family, like crunchy leaves, make me nervous. Plus, he’s British….they’re so formal.
Taylor:
(still in a daze) You’re nice…

Britain:
(snaps) Come on back, Taylor!

Josephina:
(finishes icing a cupcake, then responds to a text) Wait- did someone say we’re shutting down?

Lorna:
Yes. Mr. Starbucks wants you back at your other spot. That place has gone downhill!! (they all hi-5)


Josephina:

Can’t we run both?

Lorna:
You’ll have to ask him that. He’ll be around. He just pops up…with a bottle of wine and sesame crackers…- where am I? (looks around and sips her Veuve)

Britain:
Woah. You’re in the Starbucks- ICU.

Taylor:
Damn, Mr. Starbucks puts it down like that L? (finally snaps out of daze and goes behind counter)

Lorna:
(chuckles uncomfortably) What? Down…no, no, never.

Kurt:
So L, you’re half Black?

Lorna:
Kurt, Fidel Castro once told me there are 2 questions never to ask anyone. (there is an awkward silence as everyone waits for her to continue, she then finishes her bottle of Veuve and walks out)

Kurt:
Lorna’s Blasian! I love Blasian chicks-

Taylor:
Eff that. Let’s talk about her step cousin and how I’m going to have at least 3 of his children-and I have NEVER wanted to split my loins for anyone! (turns to Britain) Hey, you…me, Robert Downey Jr. and my love slave Darwin should double date-

Britain:
(turns bright red) That’s not possible. Robert Downey Jr. and I are not together right now.

Kurt, Josephina and Taylor:
What?!

Britain:
Yeah…um (looks at her watch) I’m going to take my ten. (leaves the Starbucks-ICU)

Kurt:
That sucks balls.

Taylor:
Speakin’ of balls…its smells wrong in here- (yells) NURSE! Someone needs a cleanup!

Britain decides to take her ten at The Gap. Joss Stone’s ‘You Were Made For Me’ plays in the background as she shops around. She winds up tugging at the same sweater as Phillip Seymour Hoffman.

Britain:
Oh, I’m sorry-

Phillip Seymour Hoffman:
Oh don’t be sorry. (holds out his hand) Phillip.

Britain:
(blushes) Britain.

Phillip:
For the name alone you can have the sweater.

Britain:
Really?

Phillip:
No. (takes sweater and begins walking away. Then he turns back around to Britain who hasn’t moved)
You’re just gonna take that?!

Britain:
Well, there are so many Gap’s in the city-

Phillip:
Fuck that. You’re here now and you WANT this sweater...now- Wait, I know you!

Britain:
You do?

Phillip:
You’re RDJ’s lady. I’ve seen you at a few parties.

Britain:
(shifts and looks very uncomfortable) We’re not together anymore-

Phillip Seymour Hoffman:
Because he’s in jail. Because he’s weak and doesn’t value you and your relationship.


Britain:

No, he just has issues he has to work out, has nothing to do with his love or lack thereof for me.

Phillip Seymour Hoffman:
Listen to yourself! The point is, he’s not with you now because he fucked up. I took your sweater and you’re acting like this is your fault!

Britain:
No, I’m not. Don’t judge me, Phillip Seymour Hoffman!

Phillip Seymour Hoffman:
Call me Judge Hoffman! Better me than the judge you meet when your on trial for murder because you finally raged out and killed someone.

Britain:
That burns! (clenches fists)

Phillip Seymour Hoffman:
Do like Usher and let it burn?! Let it out! Don’t just take it. (looks around in his tote bag and pulls out a leather bound book) Take this. It’s a journal I just bought. Clean pages. I want you to write in it. (hands Britain the book)

Britain:
(takes the book) Write…why I never thought of that…what should I write?

Phillip Seymour Hoffman:
Poetry. That’s always the easiest for getting the emotions in check. Britain, I am sure I’ll see you soon. (waves and leaves The Gap. Britain clutches the book to her chest.)

As Britain discovers another layer to her being, Kurt goes to the old Starbucks to check out the scene. His mouth falls open as he sees NO ONE in there. Acorn is reading a book by the counter and Marilyn is sitting by a window crying. Monks from Tibet humming over a congo drum is playing.


Kurt:
What the fuck is going on here?

Marilyn:
(runs into Kurt’s arms, and continues sobbing) It’s horrible. HORRIBLE.

Acorn:
My boo is overacting, no customers don’t mean our success is lackin’. Sit down sweetie or let’s starts lip smackin’…

Marilyn:
SHUT UP ACORN! Oh God Kurt its horrible. Horrible. All we serve is water and carob cocoa! No one comes in here. Not even the vegans! Not even the fuckin’ vegans!!

Kurt:
(can’t stifle his laughter) This is the best shit ever. (lets go of Marilyn and walks over to Acorn) You do realize you’re making no money…

Acorn:
Money, like women, takes time to come…so imma wait it out and be the champion.

Kurt:
With no money, you do realize Marilyn is going to leave you…which mean you won’t be seeing my son anymore…which means we can be friends! (holds out hand for soul brotha handshake)

Marilyn:
Well…Kurt…I am not breaking up with him.

Kurt:
Why the fuck not?

Marilyn:
He’s shit for brains…and the rhymes are gruesome…but he’s hung like a stallion and fucks like a newly released convict.

Kurt:
(dry heaves) Oh…dude…that’s so gross. (coughs)

Acorn:
Looks like I’m in like Flynn, still wanna be my friend?

Kurt:
(rolls his eyes) Fine. For the boy. (they soul brotha handshake) How about this Saturday we all go bowling?

Acorn:
Balls rollin’ rollin’, when I’m ballin’ bowlin’. I’ll be around and down.

Kurt:

Great.

Marilyn:
Just when I think I have you figured out…

Kurt:
Yeah, yeah. I’m just a suspense novel. Gotta go. (leaves the Starbucks)

Josephina and Taylor are chillin’ at Taylor’s apartment. They are watching The Maury Povich show and eating Twizzlers.


Taylor:
This show makes my life.

Josephina:
Yeah. (goes back to texting on her Sidekick)

Taylor:
Damn you’ve been texting all day. What the fuck?

Josephina:
Hey, we should go.

Taylor:
Where?

Josephina:
We’re heading to this place in DUMBO. My friend Kanye is doing a guest appearance in someone’s video-

Taylor:
Kanye West?

Josephina:
Yep.

Taylor:
Does Fifty know? (turns off the TV)

Josephina:
(gets bothered) I can have friends! (gets up and starts gathering her things)

Taylor:
Easy tiger….I’ll go with-

Josephina:
Okay, the video is for Justin’s new song…’The Meanest Cat’-

Taylor:
OH SHIT! The one about me?

Josephina:
You still wanna come?

Taylor:
Yes and yes.

As the friends make their way to Brooklyn, Spearchuck is meeting with Santo Domingo at a children’s playground. They are sitting at opposite ends of a bench.

Spearchuck:
(has on a trench coat, has his hands in the pockets, looks very suspicious) I hear you’re the best.

Santo:
(is dressed all in black, in a turtleneck and leather jeans) I am.

Spearchuck:
Have you ever killed four people at once?

Santo:
I have.

Spearchuck:
(pulls four pictures out of his pocket, Santo looks at Taylor pic, Kurt’s pic, Josephina’s pic and then pauses on Britains) Here they are. I want each and every one of them dead. Within hours of each other. At the same time. Give them no time to warn each other.

Santo:
Fine. Is that it?

Spearchuck:
Yes. (when he looks up, Santo is GONE)

Josephina and Taylor make their way into DUMBO and are in a loft space. There are camera’s and people everywhere. Every time they spot Justin, they duck him. They stumble upon Fifty Cent and Kanye West ice grillin’ each other.

Josephina:
Curtis?!

Fifty Cent:
(shakes out of his ice grill daze) Babe. (they hug and make out shortly)


Josephina:

Kanye! (she and Kanye hug. Fifty Cent is steaming)


Fifty Cent:

Okay, okay. Get your hands off my woman. (Kanye smirks and then walks off) You are real friendly with him-


Josephina:

We’re friends. He’s the one that let me know this is going on. YOU didn’t!

Fifty Cent:
Babe, I know you don’t like these sort of things.

Josephina:
What the fuck are you talkin’ about? I love choreography and bling!

Taylor:
(absent mindedly taps Josephina’s shoulder) Oh- there he is….him…gosh (begins fixing hair. Josephina looks over to see Darwin showing Justin Timberlake a complicated dance move)

Fifty Cent:
I thought you thought JT was wack?

Josephina:
She likes the other guy-


Fifty Cent:

What the fuck do you see in that fruity pebble?! Fuck that dude. You need to get back with JT.

Josephina:
Stop it Curtis! (Taylor starts walking towards Darwin and Justin Timberlake)

Justin:
(stops dancing when he see’s Taylor, he smiles. Darwin has a shocked and bothered look) Ah there she is, my inspiration. (he goes to kiss Taylor’s hand)

Taylor:
Justin, no- no, Justin! (speaks as if she is talking to a dog) Go sit, Justin! (he whimpers and walks towards a chair marked: JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE)

Darwin:
Justin, I haven’t finished showing you the move- (Justin waves him off and goes to sit down, Darwin sighs heavily and begins meditating while standing up)

Taylor:
(moves closer to Darwin)
You can show me some moves…

Darwin:
(opens his eyes and comes out of his standing lotus position) You just give all your candy away, don’t ya?


Taylor:

If by candy you mean ‘Taylor I want to make you sweat with horizontal body movements’….then yes.

Darwin:
I’m going to get some tea. Don’t follow me. (walks off)

Josephina:
Wow-

Taylor:
Yeah I know. Its only a matter of time.

Fifty Cent:
I don’t understand why you’re throwin’ goodies at him, when JT is all up in your Kool-Aid-

Josephina:
Get off Justin’s dick, Curtis!

Taylor:
Been there, done that with Justin. Darwin is on a whole other level and he will be mine. All mine.


Scene 2: The next day the gang is back at Starbucks-ICU. Everything is normal until the doors swing open and a golden light appears. A few moments later Mr. Starbucks appears. He is dressed in a finely tailored suit. He holds out a hand, and on his pinky is a diamond encrusted tall Starbucks cup pinkie ring. One by one, everyone kisses the ring…Josephina and he compare bling. Britain goes behind a register and begins writing in her notebook, something she does often now. Mr. Starbucks holds up and hand, this means he is about to speak.

Mr. Starbucks:
If I can have a moment of your time. You glorious barista’s. (everyone is captivated by him) You are my favorite group because you make me a lot of money. You also make the best frappacino’s that have ever passed my lips…into my mouth and on my tongue. You know I came up with the frappacino while in Tuscany. I wanted a coffee milkshake, but with more ice less milk, more cream. I wanted to use the word frappa. I like the word frappa. (smiles taking in all their wonderful faces) This Starbucks-ICU thing is really innovative, but it’s not the direction I want to go in. Sick people make me feel…ill.-

Taylor:
If I may interject-

Mr. Starbucks:
Sure you can Taylor…you sexy minx. (he caresses her cheek, Taylor blushes)

Taylor:
Well, I understand your issues, but feel this is the perfect place to be. Plus, we’re making triple what we made at the other Starbucks-

Mr. Starbucks:
That is music to my ears buttercup, but I still hate sick people. I want you guys back at the old spot.

Josephina:
But Mr.- (Mr. Starbucks puts a soft finger to Josephina’s trembling lips)

Mr. Starbucks:
Josephina, my tender angel. Please don’t make this difficult. Just do as I ask. (turns to Kurt) I want you guys there by next week. If its not done, Sandleback…I’ll murder you. (he then walks out taking the golden light with him)


We are at Bowlmar Lanes, the disco bowling alley in Union Square. We see Kurt putting on a pair of bowling shoes, he rolls his eyes as Acorn puts on his son’s. Marilyn is practicing her bowling form. As Kurt stands and stretches he sees Josephina, Taylor, and Britain walking towards them.


Kurt:
What the heck are you guys doing here?

Taylor:
Nice to see you too. (sits down and begins putting on her bowling shoes)

Josephina:
We heard you guys were bowling and figured we’d join. Curtis should be here shortly. (looks at Taylor) Lorna just texted, she is coming too, with her step cousin.

Taylor:
Yes! (looks at Britain, who is of course writing in her notebook) You gonna put that down long enough to join us in this good time…

Britain:
Maybe. Its tough when you’re on a journey of self discovery. (they all stare at her a bit)

Kurt:
Yeah….but seriously guys, this was family time-

Taylor:
We’re you’re family too.

Josephina:
And if Acorn can be here…

Acorn:
Ladies, ladies ready for some playing, playing?

Marilyn:
Ugh. What are you bitches doing here?

Britain:
We came to play, we came to win so just the fuck up and let’s hit some pins. (everyone’s mouths drop, Acorn shivers with joy…and maybe because he just ‘dirtied’ himself)

Taylor:
Well on that note-

Lorna:
(saunters over, Darwin is a few steps behind her) Did I just hear Britain rhyme?

Josephina:
Yes you did. (waves Fifty Cent over) Who knew ole Brit has such skills?

Darwin:
Yeah that was pretty dope. (hands her a card that reads: Nyurican Café) You should come by and flow. Whenever I am in town choreographing video’s I go by here and set my mind free. (Britain takes the card and places it in her book)

Britain:
(smiles) Thanks.

Taylor:
(eyes Darwin)
‘Set your mind free’- what are you a weed head?

Darwin:
No, never that. I get on stage and just rock some poetry off the dome. I set my mind free-

Taylor:
(has a look of horror) Oh man, that is musk and patchulli I smell…you’re…you’re…one of those-

Britain:
(says under breath)
Oh man…

Darwin:
(crosses arms) One of what?

Fifty Cent:
A tight t-shirt back packer-

Josephina:
You mean like Kanye?!

Fifty Cent:
Everything is not always about your homeboy Kan-ye! Fuck that dude.

Josephina:
He’s my friend! I don’t say anything when you’re going to parties with that tool Diddy or that clap-whore Paris Hilton!

Kurt:
People, people. This is family time. A time to leave all our troubles at the door. Put on some fancy shoes and play a family fun time game.

Fifty Cent:
Corny White boy is right. Let’s pick teams and get this party sti-zzarted.

Acorn:
Let’s come together, and even if it’s a big mess, we’ll all be better for it- (shakes his head, thinks his mojo is lost)

Taylor:
I’m gonna go get some cheesy fries and a beer. This is going to be a long night.

Darwin:
I’ll come with, I could use a pint.

Taylor:
No, no- I’m going over- (she ends the sentence and runs away)

Fifty Cent:
(chuckles) Damn son. Shorty straight played him.

Lorna:
Tsk, tsk. When Taylor finally figures what’s what in her box, it’ll be too late.

Darwin:
(shrugs and then jogs in place)
Fickle women are glorious to my hamstrings and always worth the chase. (he runs in the direction Taylor ran in)

Marilyn:
Are we going to figure out teams or wait to see if Mr. Eastender mates with that troll Taylor?

Lorna:
I am going to get a Scotch, neat. I’ll be on whomever’s team. (saunter’s off)

Fifty Cent:
Imma roll to the DJ booth and see if he’ll play my joints-

Josephina:
Well I’m going to request Kanye’s! (they race each other to the DJ booth)

Kurt:
(looks at Marilyn, his son and Acorn)
I’m gonna go get some chilli fries.



Scene 3: A sign reads Nyurican Café, we go inside and see a few people at tables. Taylor with a look of disgust on her face is standing at the bar with Josephina and Fifty Cent. Kurt with a look of anguish is sitting at a table with Marilyn and Acorn. Lorna is laying across a piano at the side of the stage singing “That’s The Way Love Goes” by Janet Jackson. She is holding her beloved flask.

Lorna:
(with jazzy inflections) Like a moth to a flame….come on baby light my fire…

Taylor:
Is this The Doors or Ms. Jackson?

Josephina:

Its Lorna.

Fifty Cent:
I might remix this shit…its pretty dope.

Taylor:

Why are we here again?


Josephina:

For Britain. This is her debut and we have to support our girl…even if we are at a spoken word café…

Taylor:
(places a hand on her forehead) I think I feel a headache coming on-

Mos Def:
(stands beside Taylor)
Well, well, well…if it isn’t Taylor Green-

Taylor:
Mos ‘fuckin’ Def, you elaborate tool…also one of the main reasons I NEVER come to spoken word café’s.

Mos Def:
Like myself, a lil poetry will do your soul…and your body some good.


Taylor:

Fuck you…you actor-slash- rapper!

Fifty Cent:
Hey Mos, I’m Fifty and this is my girl Josephina. (they shake, Mos Def kisses Josephina’s pie ring)

Mos Def:
A pleasure to meet yall. Too bad you’re hanging with the riff raff (look as Taylor), if you want a better seat, I can get you a table in the front-

Taylor:
We’re good right here. Less spittle hitting us and less chances of me throwing shit at people on stage. (smiles)

Mos Def:
Oh you devious sunset colored jezebel. (shakes his head and walks onto the stage, speaks into a mic) Let’s give a big around of applause to Lorna Long and her wonderful jazzi-fied tunes. (everyone claps, Lorna bows and saunters off stage) Now, I’d like to bring up a fellow from across the pond. A deep mellow fellow. Here is Darwin Jeffries! (some people snap their fingers, others clap)

Josephina:
(nudges Taylor)
Ah, its your boy. Maybe he’ll do something about you-

Taylor:
Hopefully not.

Darwin:
(soul brotha handshakes with Mos Def, and then steps up to the mic) Hello. Here is a poem I call: Candy Girl (Taylor puts her head in her hands). Candy girl. You rock my world. So sweet, sweet you can melt in my mouth. My love goes deep deep, I’ll even go down South (a couple of ladies woo hoo, Taylor dry heaves). Unwrapping you slow, savoring all your flavor. Breakin’ you softly, like you were a crispy wafer. Oh please, oh please leave some crumbs on my mouth so when you’re not around I can taste what you’re all about. You’re making this hard for me, but please believe, I’ll have your candy by any means. Cross oceans, ponds and large streets. Taking handful of your treats and lickin’ my fingers like you’ll be lickin’ my meat- (looks into the crowd) That’s all I have so far. (all the men clap loudly, Taylor is slumped on the bar)

Josephina:
Wow.

Fifty Cent:
Yo in all seriousness, that mofo is kinda tight…(turns to Taylor) and he wants to give your cervix a hurtin’!

Taylor:
How much longer till Britain? (Mos Def then steps onto the stage)

Josephina:
She might be next! (smiles)

Mos Def:
That took my soul…and my manhood on a spiritual flight, Darwin. Real nice. Next up we have a café virgin yall! Give it up for Britain Sawyer! Be gentle guys! (hoots and loud claps, Britain steps onto the stage)

Britain:
Thank you. (takes a moment, closes her eyes, the instrumental to “Lose Yourself” by Eminem AKA the theme from 8mile plays in her head) This is: Who I Am. You think you know, but like my diary, you only think you know. Dudes try n’ play me like I’m a ho fo’ sho’. I am not an artifact to put up in your museum, so many people sleepin’ on me makes me wanna scream! If you knew who I am, then you would you never test cuz I’m shootin’ first with no bulletproof vest. I’m scalping bitches like I’m Pocahontas, leavin’ a bloody hot mess, a trails of your insides. Besides, who’s gonna miss you when you’re gone, probably me, cuz I’m the person who cares that nobody sees! (people start to clap, Marilyn stands and yells BOOOOOOO, but that is cut short by a bullet…then 2 hit her in the back, everyone starts ducking and screaming, Santo disappears into the dark night)

Kurt:
(is holding Marilyn’s head, she is bleeding from the mouth)
Marilyn’s been shot! Oh shit. Are you okay?

Marilyn:
(in a whisper)
NO! I’ve been fuckin’ shot! (pulls Kurt close by his plaid shirt) I have to tell you something-

Acorn:
One baby’s been shot, another still makes my heart pop (is staring at Britain).

Kurt:
What is it, Marilyn? (leans close)

Marilyn:
The baby….isn’t…yours-(dies)

Kurt:
What? WHAT?! No, no fuckin’ way! (drops Marilyn’s head) Who’s the baby’s daddy? (taps Marilyn’s lifeless body with his foot) Who is it?!

Fifty Cent:
(pulls Kurt away)
Come on man, let’s get some air. (they step outside)

Taylor:
What we need to find out is who shot Marilyn…so we can give them endless frappacino’s and chocolate chip cookies!

Josephina:
Maybe help Kurt find out who the kids father is so he can get all his money back.

Darwin:
(walks over with Lorna, grabs Taylor and begins checking her body for bullet wounds) You alright, love?

Taylor:
(shakes out his arms) Fine. If your wack poetry didn’t cause much damage, I doubt a bullet would.

Darwin:
You’re a tough bird, but I can tame you proper.

Taylor:
Many have tried, none have succeeded. (claps as Britain makes her way towards them) There she is, the lady with the words that slay!

Britain:
(bows)
Yes. Too bad about Marilyn.

Josephina:
I have to say I felt your anger mama! (they hi-5)

Britain:
Thank you. It was quite therapeutic. The only bad part is…now Acorn is all on my tit again. (Acorn is standing behind her smiling)

Taylor:
Oh man. I know what you mean- ( Darwin pulls her close and they start making out, Taylor pushes away from him) on second thought. I’ll see you fools later! (yells out and is pointing at Marilyn) Yo, Mos! Cleanup isle three! (pulls Darwin along and they leave the café)


Scene 4: Everything is back to normal. The gang is back at their Starbucks. Kurt is chatting with a few customers. Taylor and Britain are behind the registers. Josephina is making a frappacino. The doors open and in comes Phillip Seymour Huffman. Britain runs from behind the counter and they hug.

Phillip Seymour Huffman:
I said I would see you again, Britain.

Britain:
That you did, Phillip Seymour Hoffman. Would you like a drink?

Phillip Seymour Hoffman:
Oh no. Just wanted to congratulate you on your poetic success and for killing that wretched wench Marilyn Herringbone-

Britain:
Wait- you know Marilyn?

Phillip Seymour Hoffman:
Yeah. Took a few acting classes together and the bitch totally jacked my style. Oh well. She’s dead now. You are like a phoenix, rising from that miserable whores ashes.

Britain:
That I am.

Taylor:
(comes from behind the counter)
Hey, I thought you were great in that film with Ben Stiller….

Josephina:
(yells from behind the counter)
My personal trainer speaks like Capote!

Phillip Seymour Hoffman:
Um, wow and thanks. (focuses his attention on Britain) I also wanted you to know that RDJ is being released soon….

Britain:
Okay.

Kurt:
Were you in ‘The Wedding Singer’? That is my favorite movie, ever.

Phillip Seymour Hoffman:
Okay, I’ve got to get the fuck out of here. Britain, see you soon. (they squeeze each others hand, and he leaves)

Kurt:
That was John Goodman, right?

Britain:
Oh Kurt, why didn’t a stray bullet graze you-

Taylor:
Speaking of grazing. I may not hate England so much.

Josephina:
They’re so proper though-

Taylor:
But pure savages when it counts! (they all hi-5, except for Kurt)

Kurt:
More importantly, could John Goodman be the kids father? (they all gasp, then Acorn strolls in)

Acorn:
That’s a good question, not to mention, Marilyn was a ho with no direction. But even she had her limits as to who could get their flesh in. She told me once who planted her seed, but I can’t tell you, nope indeed. (they all gasp again, and Kurt begins choking Acorn)


To Be Continued………..

WHO is the kids father?
Will Britain go back to Robert Downey Jr.?
Will Taylor keep going down like London, London, London?
What do Lorna, Mos Def and Kid Rock have to do with all of this???
STAY TUNED!!!!

The Place Where I Work: Adjustment.

After a glorious weekend and a fashion-y 2 weeks, I am back to the cold hard reality of business casual and corporate silence. Am working at a REALLY small investment spot in Midtown- and besides working close to B I am literally 2 cubes away from Lauren who worked at HELL with B and I. It is a small, small administrative world!
Lauren is great people, so it’s good to know that someone awesome is working near me- though we don’t work for the same company.
Reason why Lauren rules #1: she sent me an email giving me a heads up about the toolery I may endure. I thanked her and told her I sensed the potential for people being asshats, but I’ve been there and done that and could write the Cliff Notes. I’ll be okay because IT IS summer, and I do work only 3 days A WEEK! Reason why Lauren rules #2: she is scared of the guy I call Mr. Burns (The Simpsons)- he is not as hunched or long in face, but dude totally reminds me of Mr. Burns. He is insanely rich and am told has a temper. Since I am new it is still the ‘honeymoon’ stage of the relationship. I am even more ecstatic because it is summer and I am here 3 days a week! Who can be all stressed and full of contempt then? Also, they have a cafeteria- not the sit in kind, but the kind where you can get anything you want for the price of $3.25!!! I am talking full friggin' meals with drinks and dessert for THREE DOLLARS AND TWENTY FIVE CENTS! Breakfast and lunch. There is a different menu everyday- and it’s not just sandwiches and salad- there are steak frites n’ shit. This means I can afford my Starbucks habit AND perhaps save money which usually equates with me spending money and then being offended with myself!
In other news, I find that it is a sad state that my friends have to place bets with me to get me to make out with a dude…and an even sadder situation when I LOSE the bet because either: a) I am not as hot as I think I am b) I make minimal effort c) I think this Mercury retrograde is making me even more dude-repellent d) I’d rather stay home and read or e) I only dig celebs that may be gay.
Hmm. Not a real good predicament to be in. I have faith in me this summer- now I have to start caring, for real.
Wish me luck.

Friday, May 21, 2010

The Place Where I Work: The Itch

Alas, it is my final day at the pseudo Ugly Betty-esque fashion-y place. Good times-itchy-but good. This woman, who just started here, was like: I don’t mean to get personal, but do you itch a lot since you’ve been here?
I responded with: YES! I thought it was me being a pseudo crack head!!!
This place makes me itch. It’s making my otherwise flawless complexion look…flawed and it was totally freaking me out! I was glad to find that it wasn’t all in my head, that there must be something with the ventilation or perhaps the fabric that is making me…ITCH.

In between scratching I’ve had a few stellar convo’s with peeps who are sad to see me go. Of course one of them is McFinnigan. That dude told me all about his child support payments…and seemed to be hinting that he wouldn’t mind more if I wanted to go half on a baby. Though my soon-to-be dry ovaries can’t be choosey, I’m going to pass on that one.
He insists that we become FaceBook friends and I keep telling him that is NEVER going to happen. Will not fund another dudes spank bank.
*sigh*
Once I leave here, I start a long term gig next week! Interviewed for it yesterday-hung over! I went out drankin’ Wednesday night thinking my interview would be Friday, leaving Thursday open for me to be comfortably hung over at work- this is my luck/life we’re talking about, so of course I check my email at around midnight and see that the interview had to be rescheduled for after work Thursday!
Obviously being hung over doesn’t diminish my awesomeness- it may have even added to it. In any case, I start on Monday and will start off working…wait for it…only 3 days a week!! That means I gets some great beach days during the summer- I HATE going to the beach on weekends when EVERYONE is out there.
So my tan will be poppin’. Am going to get body scrub after work to PREP.
Oh, the new gig is also close to that corporate financial haven of hell and toolkits that B and I worked at, so we may be reunited and it will feel real good.

Cannot wait to leave so I can stop SCRATCHIN’!!!!!

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

The Story of We: Episode 2




**Here is episode 2 of the We series I posted last week. I remember writing this and realizing I wouldn't have to throw coffee in anyones face- which was bound to happen in that crazy office AKA HELL because peeps were assholes.**

Episode 2: This Is How We Do It
Screenplay by Honey T
October 22, 2007


Setting: In NYC, of course, the story takes place on a REAL block, in an apartment, in a Starbucks, on a yacht, in a prison yard, at St. Vincents Hospital, on Regent St. in London, and in TGI-Friday’s. The story and characters tend to move all around the city…its boroughs and islands. The year is 2007 and the world is as it is. Reality is real.

Starring:
Taylor Greene- 20’s, witty and aloof
Britain Sawyer- 20’s, clever, cute and sturdy
Josephina Fergus- 20’s, cute, sweet and rage-filled
Lorna Long- 20’s, drunkard, respectable, leads a semi-charmed life
Marilyn Herringbone (based off this chick who was our perma-frenemy)- 20’s, hater
Kurt Sandleback- 20’s, mysterious, eccentric, moody
Acorn Dillon (based off this dude who worked part time and was a rapper/poet/dancer)- 20’s, artist, rapper, babysitter
Featuring:
Spearchuck Openhide (based off this Nigerian architect we all worked with) - ageless, doctor, playboy
Robert Downey Jr.- as himself
Fifty Cent- as himself
Justin Timberlake- as himself
Dr. Phil- as himself
Brad Pitt – as himself


Scene 1: It's another day at Starbucks. We see Josephina behind a register adjusting her CUPCAKE chain and her 3 finger PIE ring. Britain is cleaning a frappacino blender and Kurt is chatting with a customer. The door swings open and in comes Taylor like a cool breeze on a hot beach. She is wearing aviator shades, has Bo Derek braids with beads on the end and is wearing a denim vest (no shirt) and matching jeans. She doesn’t seem pleased.

Josephina:
(giggles with delight) Taylor?!

Britain:
Woah- hello 1996! (she and Josephina hi-5)

Kurt:
(walks away from customer)
I am no pillow biter, but there are like 15 things wrong with this outfit. (he, Britain, and Josephina chuckle)

Taylor:
(silently squints)
Are you all done?

Britain:
(does the cabbage patch) Now I’m done.

Josephina:
Wait- (takes a camera phone pic) okay now I’m done. (smiles sweetly)

Taylor:
First, I hope all of you get molested-fucked like a drunk uncle to his 10 year old niece. Second, I know this outfit is the worst thing ever, but I had to wear it (starts to whisper) so that he wouldn’t recognize me.

Kurt:
If he’s Hammer, he’s definitely gonna see you-

Britain:
Wait are those pleats?

Taylor:
(waits a minute)
Yes, there are pleats involved in this outfit. I am incognito remember!

Josephina:
It’s a really good cover, Taylor. I wouldn’t recognize ya, and I’ve known you for two years.

Taylor:
Thanks Jose. Please delete the camera phone pic, please!

Josephina:
Wish I could, but I have to show Curtis and a few of our homies. They wouldn’t believe me if I just told them. We’re gonna laugh and laugh, then-

Britain:
Who are you running from?

Taylor:
Justin Timberlake. (Kurt, Josephina and Britain laugh) Laugh all you want, but that dude is a freak! Monday everything was great. We planned on going house hunting on Tuesday. We went to Ashton Kutcher’s club and threw olive’s at them Olsen twins. Then Wednesday comes, and shit just got fucked up.

Josephina:
(is wide eyed)
What happened?

Taylor:
Justin was all like, let’s go house hunting. We went. Then we had lunch…then dinner…then like a fortnight’s worth of sex-

Kurt:
Please get to the point, I feel my balls shriveling.

Taylor:
Then he’s all calling me n’ shit. I wanted to do my own thing in L.A.. I have friends out there. Peeps. I started ditching him at parties, even bought a new cell phone with a new number-dude still found me. Decided to pull a page from his book with the denim on denim…some braids…and some aviators. I think I lost him.

Britain:
So what you’re saying is…Justin Timberlake is stalking you?

Taylor:
Yeah. (Britain, Kurt and Josephina start laughing) Well fuck you guys. Being stalked is not a laughing matter. 1 in 9 women stalked…are also murdered! (they are all still laughing)

Marilyn enters and walks right passed Taylor. She even bumps into her. She is carrying a toddler, a baby boy. He is wearing a baby blue velour Enyce track suit, and has a pony tail.

Marilyn:
I swear if you guys work any harder-

Kurt:
Baby Boy! (takes the child from Marilyn’s arm, the kid kicks him in the stomach) Ouch, what the fu…fuc- fudge, kid?!

Marilyn:
You need to grab him gentler. What’s so funny?

Kurt:
Taylor and her outfit.

Marilyn:
Where is that cooch-rag?

Taylor:
Right here you used tampon-

Kurt:
Ugh dude. The kid is here. (the child starts crying and only stops when returned to Marilyn’s arms)

Britain:
Yeah Taylor, that insult lacked a certain Taylor-ness. It was downright disgusting.

Taylor:
I know guys. Timberlake has me all off my game! I’ve gotta go. I’ll be in tomorrow. (walks out before anyone can protest)

Josephina:
(looks at her watch)
Oops, I haveta go too. Be back in 2 hours. (leaves, again before anyone can protest)

Once outside, Josephina walks one block to the corner, there waits Taylor with her sunglasses off, she shakes the braided wig out revealing her bountiful curls, rips off the bad denim outfit revealing khaki colored short shorts and a modest white button-down.

Josephina:
I mean, I knew you were good, but I always seem to forget-

Taylor:
When it comes to leaving work with no good excuse, I’m your chick. Though Justin really is stalking me…NOTHING would make me wear denim on denim…well besides this. This is BIG though.

Josephina:
Yes it is. The others are going to be so surprised. (they start to walk and bump into a frazzled looking Lorna)

Taylor:
Well, well, well-

Lorna:
What are you doing in the streets, Taylor? Do you know Justin has Timbaland, Pharell AND Britney all looking for you??

Taylor:
I am never scared.

Lorna:
Hope you have a plan B.

Josephina:
(her cell rings) Oh, I have to take this. (steps over to the side) Hey sweety-

Fifty Cent:
Yo, hey honeydew. Wassup with your girl Taylor?

Josephina:
What do you mean?

Fifty Cent:
She clownin’ my boy Justin. I can’t have that. I know that’s your girl, but Imma need you to bring her by the crib.

Josephina:
Now?

Fifity Cent:
Soon.

Josephina:
We’re on our way to the-

Fifty Cent:
Soon!

Josephina:
Watch your fuckin’ tone chipmunk! I’ll put nine more shells in that ass, bitch.

Fifty Cent:
(whimpers) Okay…okay, I’m sorry. Bring her soon though, please.

Josephina:
Mutha fucka I’ll bring her when I fuckin’ bring her. (she ends the call and walks back over to Lorna and Taylor) Taylor we should head to the place-

Taylor:
Yeah…Lorna, thanks for lookin’ out, but I’ll be good.

Lorna:
Okay. I’ve got to hit Saks then hop on a plane to the Ivory Coast. I swear, you give one prince in Dubai a hand job and suddenly everyone is your friend.

Taylor:
True dat. (Josephina looks confused)

Lorna:
I will say this Taylor, and then I am off. A prostitute in Costa Rica once told me to watch my jugs. Always, always watch your jugs and insist on bug spray.

Taylor:
Um, thanks.


Scene 2: Taylor and Josephina enter St. Vincents hospital in the West Village. They look at the directory and then make their way to Spearchuck Openhide’s office. He opens the door, revealing himself to be a 5’2” African male. His eyes glaze over with happiness when he sees Taylor.

Spearchuck:
Ladies (he sounds like Rafiki from the Lion King). Come in, come in. Sit, sit. (Taylor and Josephina enter the office and sit in the 2 seats in front of his desk) To what do I owe this honor. (he is focused on Taylor)

Taylor:
Um…well we were inquiring about opening a Starbucks in the ICU-

Spearchuck:
You want to what?

Josephina:
(touches Taylor’s arm) I got this. Listen. People get sick, families worry…and what keeps them holding on? What gets them through? Coffee. Sweet treats. Friendly faces to weather them through the storm.

Spearchuck:
That sounds so poetic. So beautiful, but it cannot be done.

Taylor:
And why not?

Spearchuck:
Well for one, it’s insane. Two, it just can’t be done.

Taylor:
There is a CAN in can’t!

Josephina:
Damn right.

Spearchuck:
(looks at Taylor) I like your passion. Let me give this more thought, and I will call you…we can talk some more.

Taylor:
(she and Josephina stand) That sounds great. I look forward to hearing from you. (she and Josephina leave, once outside the doctors office they hi-5)

Spearchuck:
(to himself) Dear, dear Taylor, I will tame that passion in you. Contain it and focus it on me and only me. If she wants this…this…Starbucks in my ICU, she’ll have to be a good girl and earn it. (he chuckles softly)


While Josephina and Taylor are trying to franchise, Kurt is having a ‘family’ dinner at TGI-Friday’s with Marilyn and his son.

Marilyn:
I must say, if I would’ve known that a nice dinner to you was TGI-Friday’s…I would’ve said no! Hells no! (looks down at her menu)

Kurt:
(is looking at his menu)I am trying to have family time. I want my son to grow up in a world where mom and dad eat together-

Marilyn:
And that’s it! (plays with the boy a little, he giggles) You just make sure he’s well fed and dressed, and everything else will be okay.

Kurt:
I want more for him than just nice clothes and the finest eats. (goes to caress the boy’s cheek and the boy growls at him) Woah-

Marilyn:
Let’s just order. Oh- someone is going to join us.

Kurt:
Who? (goes to caress the kids cheek again and he bites at it) I don’t think Baby Boy likes me.

Marilyn:
Don’t be crazy. (shifts uncomfortably)

Kurt:
I don’t know. I think I need to spend more time with him-anyways, who’s interrupting our family time?

Marilyn:
Now, just because we’re playing family doesn’t mean we’re together. You and me.

Kurt:
I know. So, you have a boyfriend or something? I respect that you want me to meet him seeing as he is hanging around my son.

Marilyn:
Yeah…exactly. You already know the guy too, so it’s even better.

Kurt:
I do? (suddenly turns a deep shade of red as Acorn approaches their table, whispers) No way…

Marilyn:
I know it seems crazy, but we met one night at a dance club. The music moved my body and his words moved my soul. (looks nostalgic)

Kurt:
No shit- (looks at his son) I mean, wow!

Acorn:
(sits next to Marilyn, he and Kurt’s son hi-5, and then he and Kurt exchange knowing looks)Hello, hello its me Acorn the lucky fellow, fellow. Kurt I know this is a surprise, but in your baby momma’s eyes I see a life time. (hold his hand out for a soul brotha hand shake, Kurt doesn’t take it)

Kurt:
What happened to Britain? You’ve been about her for years now.

Acorn:
Britain is my angel, but in me she found no halo so I had to be on my way yo.

Kurt:
Um, she has never been about you…so what’s changed?

Acorn:
(looks uncomfortable) I like her challenge, she kept my balls on balance but now she’s got me stressed cuz she’s been wearing wedding dresses.

Kurt:
What?

Marilyn:
Where have you been Kurt? She’s been wearing a different wedding dress everyday for the last two weeks. I know she’s a crazy b-word, and I can understand her wanting to marry Acorn (looks at him adoring, he touches her chin, Kurt throws up a lil bit in his mouth), but that is just plain insane.

Kurt:
I’ll find out what’s going on with Britain, but more importantly I just don’t like the two of you together.

Marilyn:
I don’t give a hoot what you like. I am going to be with Acorn. Your son even likes him (says under breath) possibly more than you.

Kurt:
What? (his voices cracks as he notices the kid smiling at Acorn) I-I…still don’t like it.

Acorn:
Man it’s cool I understand, I’m not tryin’ to take your place fam, but best believe imma look out for the lil man and my wo-man. (Kurt hangs his head.)


Scene 3: Taylor and Josephina are walking up a very REAL block. There are thugs on every corner, crackheads chasing stray cats and rats biting the ankles of homeless people. Taylor is visibly uncomfortable, Josephina is fine…this is HER block. They walk up the steps of a rundown looking brownstone.

Taylor:
(clutches her purse)
You guys live here? I thought he had money!

Josephina:
He’s so hood. We have to keep it real. [once they go through 2 heavy wood doors, then a line of body guards, they enter the foyer which is all marble and trimmed in gol]

Taylor:
Holy shit, this is like the bat cave! (is looking around open mouthed)

Josephina:
I’d like to call it a hidden gem. [they walk for what seems like a mile until they enter what looks like a living room, there are two bearskin rugs, a portrait of Biggie Smalls, Tupac and Fifty Cent, and other treasures. Fifty is sitting in a large armchair that seems to be covered with chinchilla fur, Britain sits opposite him on a large leather sectional…in a wedding dress and Justin Timberlake is standing by a roaring fireplace. It is a truly weird scene.] Babe- Britain? Justin?

Fifty Cent:
Justin is my homey and Britain just rolled up. I can’t figure out why she’s here and why she has on a wedding dress-

Britain:
Fitty, I told you why.

Fifty Cent:
Fuck it. I forgot. (sips from his goblet)

Justin:
(turns to look at Taylor, his eyes are moist with almost tears)
Taylor, funny running into you…

Taylor:
(a tad bothered) Justin, hi. Britain, what the fuck? Fifty, always a pleasure. (whispers to Josephina) I thought we were homies! How could you do this to me?

Josephina:
(whispers back) Fifty just thinks you guys should talk. It’s okay to be happy, Taylor.

Fifty Cent:
Why are yall whispering and standing? Come sit down and stay a while. (gulps from his goblet when he catches Josephina’s rage filled glance) Or do what you like…

Taylor:
I’m going to sit with my girl Britain here and figure out what the heck is going on. (goes to sit next to Britain)

Josephina:
I am going to go into the library and look for that book, Curtis I need your help. (Britain, Taylor and Justin have an uh-oh face, Josephina and Fifty Cent leave the room)

Justin Timberlake:
So, Taylor, why are you avoiding me?

Taylor:
You’re crowdin’ me man. I need space.

Justin Timberlake:
If space is what you want, I’ll give it to you [walks over to her and caresses her cheek). I want to write songs about you and me…wait- I have one right now (Britain sits up, her dress makes a lot of noise. Taylor sighs heavily. Timbaland appears with a keyboard, he starts playing beats and then makes the ‘wikka wikka’ sound he always does. Justin closes his eyes and bops his head, feeling the beat] Babyyyyyyy, you got me hangin’ on string, hurtin’ my feelings. Babyyyyyyy, why you gotta play me like that, I’m like a mouse and you’re the meanest cat. Babyyyyy-

Taylor:
Shut the fuck up, Justin! (she gives the quit it sign to Timbaland)

Britain:
Awkward.

Justin:
(is close to tears)Why are you treating me this way?? Why? Huh? Why?-

Taylor:
Because you’re a bitch, alright! An okay lay, but look at you, you’re crying man! Buck the fuck up! Go holla at them Hollywood bitches and leave me be- I mean really Justin, you can’t handle all this. (Timbaland nods in agreement, takes his keyboard and disappears)

Justin:
(hangs his head)I’ll never forget you- (they are interrupted by Fifty Cent and Josephina arguing, they both enter the room oblivious to everyone else)

Fifty Cent:
You have to be more understanding boo-

Josephina:
Fuck understanding! You understand this: kiss my ass!

Fifty Cent:
Why do you haveta say such hurtful things?

Josephina:
When are you start listening to me?! (Taylor’s cell phone rings, the ring tone is: Jay Z’s Big Pimpin’)

Britain:
Awkward.

Taylor:
(stands) I’m just gonna take this in the other wing. Be right back. (she exits, Justin sulks behind her)

Josephina:
Britain, is there any reason why you’re wearing a wedding dress?

Fifty Cent:
Let her be, we have some unfinished business here.

Josephina:
I’m finished. Go talk to the wall for all I care! (Fifty Cent punches the air and leaves the room) So…

Britain:
Are you guys alright?

Josephina:
We’re fine, he just going to go cool off and play some paint ball. I’m going to go in our amazing kitchen and bake a red velvet cake…and all will be right with the world. So, the dress…

Britain:
It’s Taylor’s fault. You remember the other day when she had on that amazing denim outfit to keep Justin off her scent?

Josephina:
(smiles wistfully) How could I forget it?

Britain:
I figure, if I start wearing wedding dresses it’ll do the opposite. I want my boyfriend, Robert Downey Jr. to marry me.

Josephina:
Hmmm, so you’re not being incognito…you’re being quite obvious!

Britain:
Yes! (they hi-5)

Taylor:
(enters the room in a rushed manner) Guys I haveta roll outta town a few days. I’ll tell you all about it when I get back. Tell Kurt.

Josephina:
Take one of Curtis’s jets.

Taylor:
Sweet! (they all hi-5, though Britain finds it hard in her dress)


The next day Kurt enters Starbucks looking a little distraught. He see’s Josephina restocking the waters in the fridge and Britain-in a wedding dress, standing behind a register.

Kurt:
Where’s Taylor?

Britain:
Had to go out of town-business.

Kurt:
Why are you wearing a wedding dress?

Britain:
Trying to get my boyfriend Robert Downey Jr. to marry me.

Kurt:
Cool. I’m going in the back. (he nods at Josephina, she nods back. Just as Kurt goes to his office, Marilyn and Acorn enter the Starbucks, they are holding hands)

Britain:
Holy fuck.

Josephina:
No, it can’t be!

Marilyn:
Hello heifers.

Acorn:
Ladies, ladies yall used to make me crazy, now I’ve got my fine foxy baby.

Britain:
(chuckles) Marilyn, I knew you were into hand-me-downs, but this is even low for you.

Josephina:
Seriously, who would willingly fuck Acorn? (Marilyn and Acorn look at Britain, Britain looks uncomfortable)

Acorn:
Latte lady, please don’t hate me, by the look in your eyes you wanna taste me. (Josephina lunges at Acorn, but Britain holds her back)

Britain:
I think y'all should go. Now!

Josephina:
You don’t know me mutha fucka! You think I wanna taste you son. You gonna be tasting bullets bitch-

Kurt:
(comes from the back) Woah, woah. What’s going on- oh. (looks at Marilyn and Acorn) Carry on. (goes back to his office)

Marilyn:
Animals. All of you. Come on Acorn. (she and Acorn leave)

Josephina:
That chew stick mutha fucka better watch his back!

Britain:
(looks concerned) Maybe you should take a ten.

Josephina:
Fine. I’ll be back.

While the drama is going down in the Starbucks in New York City, Taylor enters a Starbucks on Regent Street in London, England. She re-reads a text on her phone and sits at the table by the window. After ordering a tea and scone, her phone rings.

Taylor:
Hello?

Spearchuck:
Madam Taylor. It is I, Dr. Openhide.

Taylor:
Oh hello. Have you made the right decision?

Spearchuck:
Well, I am leaning towards a yes, but I really need that push…in the right direction.

Taylor:
Are you implying that we fuck or something?

Spearchuck:
Oh dear. I am a gentleman. I’d like to put you in handcuffs, then make love to you over and over again…and again. Then I’d like to cum all over your body. Leaving you sticky with my love juice-

Taylor:
(dry heaves)Dude, if we were in the same country I would get all jungle specific on that ass! (ends the call, then starts dialing numbers furiously)

Josephina:
Hey, wassup.

Taylor:
That Dr. Africa called me back…and homey is a FREAK. He was talking about putting me in handcuffs and cummin’ all over me-

Josephina:
What the fuck?!

Taylor:
I know. Listen I have some serious business to attend to out here. Handle that for me, but do it so we still get our Starbucks in that hospital!!

Josephina:
I won’t let you down. Or Kurt, or Britain…or myself. (they hang up, Josephina angrily squints and crushes a cupcake in her hand)

Taylor:
(relaxes a little, she then see’s him as he enters the Starbucks. He smiles and nods at Taylor) Well, well, well. We meet again, Brad Pitt.

Brad Pitt:
Taylor you sexy bitch stand up and show B-man some love. (they hug)

Taylor:
Ah, the Pittster! Hope I didn’t interrupt you and wifey’s quest for another child the world doesn’t want.

Brad Pitt:
Nope. I am shooting a movie in Surrey. Let me get a latte’ so we can get down to business. (he goes to order and comes back, looks out the window towards the busy London street) Wait a minute…is that?

Taylor:
(looks out the window, rolls her eyes)Yes, its Justin Fuckin’ Timberlake. [Justin stands outside the window with puppy dog eyes. He points to Taylor and then his heart] Ugh. Fuckin’ ass tissue!

Brad Pitt:
You heartbreaker you. I can say I knew you when…way before the whole album was written about you. (they laugh, Brad leans close to get serious) So, what’s our Lorna gotten herself into now?

Taylor:
On her way to the Ivory Coast, she had a layover in Heathrow. Somehow 3 bags of coke were found in her bag and now she is being detained at a prison near Heathrow.

Brad Pitt:
Wow. That’s pretty simple to get out of. Let’s roll. (they stand) Is your boyfriend going to follow us? (smiles)

Taylor:
He’s not my boyfriend. Fuck that dude. Fuck him raw.

Brad Pitt:
(shakes his head) Heartbreaker. I know who would do you in though?

Taylor:
Who?

Brad Pitt:
Clooney (the name alone sent shivers through Taylor).

Taylor:
We all know I have a thing for White chocolate, but a White older gentleman makes me wetter than a soaked sponge. (shakes a lil) You have to introduce me one of these days.

Brad Pitt:
I will when the time is right.

Taylor:
I’ll make him cry though. Cry AND wish he were dead. (she and Brad chuckle as they walk towards Taylor’s chauffeured Bentley, Justin follows behind them on his Vespa)


Josephina and Britain are blindfolded and sitting in the back of a limousine. The car stops and Fifty Cent’s body guards lead them onto a parked yacht. They are placed in seats on the ships deck and the blindfolds are removed.

Josephina:
When I get done with Curtis he is going to wish he was born a woman!

Britain:
Calm down, we are on a yacht. That’s pretty awesome. I don’t know or care why I’m here…I’m just happy I opted for the strapless wedding dress today. Get some sun on these shoulders.

Josephina:
(watches as Fifty Cent approaches, with Dr. Phil and Robert Downey Jr.) What is-

Britain:
What the hell is going on?!

Fifty Cent:
Ladies. All your questions will be answered. (he, Dr. Phil and Robert Downey Jr. sit on some deck chairs) Baby, we’ve been going through some serious shit. I don’t wanna lose you so I called up my man Dr. Phil and schooled him on you and me…he just wants to help. (looks at Britain) I brought you and your man along because its crazy to wear wedding dresses all the time, just tell him how you feel.

Britain:
I wish I could’ve seen your expression when Fitty came to get you-

Robert Downey Jr.:
It was priceless. (they smile)

Dr. Phil:
Okay folks. As yall can see, my friend Fifty is a caring man. He loves you Josephina. Why do you insist on hurting his feelings?

Josephina:
(is silent a bit, Fifty places a hand on her leg)
Y’all can go fuck yourselves. I cannot believe you have this corny mutha fucka up here tryin’ to tell me about how I treat you. Fuck you Curtis. I am going down to the cabin to go sip on some Alize and lay on the waterbed. No one bother me. (she gets up and goes to down into the cabin)

Fifty Cent:
See what I mean? When she gets all like that I can’t talk to her.

Dr. Phil:
Fifty, you’re a successful, wonderful guy. I say find a new Mrs. Cent.

Fifty Cent:
(stands up)What? Fuck you Dr. Phil. You better watch yourself. (mushes Dr. Phil, Dr. Phil’s head snaps to the side and then bounces back upright) I am going to go skeet shooting on the back of the boat. Yall let yourselves off. (he walks off)


Dr. Phil:

Well then. Maybe I can help you two.

Robert Downey Jr.:
We don’t need any help. Britain, of course we’re going to get married- (they’re interrupted by the sounds of helicopters and speed boats)

Police Officer On Megaphone:
Robert Downey Jr. put your hands up!!

Britain:
Again?!

Robert Downey Jr.:
Cocaine is a hell of a drug babe, I won’t be long.


Taylor and Brad Pitt are standing by a closed barbed wire gate. Suddenly an alarm goes off and the gate slides open. Lorna steps out with shades on and sipping her flask.

Brad Pitt:
Lorna Long, always a pleasure. (they hug)

Lorna:
Brad, Taylor…thanks. (she hugs Taylor) Fuckin’ cesspool London is.

Taylor:
Come now, it’s not like Mexico or something…

Brad Pitt:
You know I’ve seen worse…and you did have 3 bags of cocaine.

Lorna:
Good shit too. Oh well. I’m free. (squints) Is that Justin-

Brad Pitt:
Yes. Taylor broke ole boy’s heart. I made him dance for me while we waited.

Lorna:
(shakes her head) Taylor, Taylor. One day love isn’t gonna come knockin’. The door will be gone and the knockin’ fist cut off. Then your left in a hotel lobby in San Juan sipping a Pina Colada talking to J-Lo about anal bleaching. You feel lonely and clueless…but mostly you feel cold.

Brad Pitt:
(has tears in his eyes)Truer words have never been spoken. Come on. Let’s have a steak and sip some Merlot.


Scene 4: Taylor goes to enter the Starbucks and stops dead in her tracks. She sees Acorn and Marilyn behind the registers.


Taylor:
What the fuck is going on here??

Marilyn:
We work here, bitch.

Acorn:
Your friends have peaced out and now we’re in the house.

Taylor:
No fuckin’ way! (takes out her cell phone and dials furiously) Britain, where the fuck are you?

Britain:
Um, at work.

Taylor:
I am at work and that cum dumpster Marilyn and that asshat Acorn are here-

Britain:
Oh shit. We don’t work there anymore. Dude, we have our franchise! Thanks to you and Jose!

Taylor:
Word?! (begins jumping up and down) Are you making what we said we’d make if we had our own Starbucks??

Britain:
Yes! Making frappacino Mudslides as we speak!!

Taylor:
Holla. I’ll be there in a sec. (ends call) Well fuckers, I’m out. Oh and do realize that this Starbucks is going down because the Starbucks at St. Vincents ICU is the new jumpoff! (leaves the Starbucks)

Acorn:
Boo, boo what are we gonna do, do?

Marilyn:
We’re gonna make those foul mouthed whores wish they were dead!

Kurt, Josephina and Britain all have on green lab coats. They are making drinks and talking with the customers. Taylor enters and Josephina tosses her a green lab coat. Taylor catches it and puts it on. They all hi-5.

Taylor:
Jose, you secretive cunt! Can’t believe you did it-

Josephina:
We did it!

Kurt:
We’re rolling with the big dogs now, guys!

Britain:
Dude, I’m making Mudslide frapps and warm Long Island iced tea’s!

Josephina:
I’m about to go bake come weed brownies…and make a ginger tart I’ve always wanted to make. How’s Lorna by the way?

Taylor:
Good, good. Me and Brad just went there, took care of business and left. Oh, and lost I Justin somewhere in Notting Hill. Brit, Robert Downey Jr. was arrested again…and you’re not wearing wedding dresses-

Britain:
We’re good, but we’re on a hiatus. He needs to get his shit together.

Kurt:
The best part of all this…is when we take down Marilyn and Acorn. Take them DOWN.

Britain:
Hello, left field.

Kurt:
Well, besides owning our own Starbucks…its just that part makes me especially gleeful.

Taylor:
Let me go restock the milk-

Josephina:
Oh no, no, you don’t have to do it. (yells out) Spearchuck! (Spearchuck comes from the back area)

Taylor:
(is laughing) Oh my shit…the doctor is our barback?!

Josephina:
Damn right.

Spearchuck:
I am no longer a doctor, Miss Taylor. (doesn’t look at Taylor)

Taylor:
Why won’t he look at me?

Josephina:
He was told to never look at you. (Spearchuck goes to refill the milk)

Taylor:
Nice job, Jose!

Josephina:
I don’t fuck around. Gotta get to baking. (they hi-5) See ya in a bit…partner.

Taylor:
Back at ya… partner.

Kurt:
What about me…partner?

Britain:
Check yall in a bit…partner.

Spearchuck:
(mumbles to himself) Oh dear. I cannot believe this. I have made a grave mistake making eyes at the luscious honey colored woman.

Kurt, Josephina, Britain and Taylor:
Shut the fuck up, Spearhead! (they all hi-5 and laugh)


Stay tuned for next weeks ep!!

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

The Place Where I Work: How I Do.

Friday night after watching Iron Man 2, I photobombed former NYC mayor Ed Koch. That moment pretty much sums up why even when I wanna pull the covers over my head and say: ENOUGH! - I can’t because the world needs my brand of insanity.
The rest of the weekend was spent at a friends sisters Connecticut compound eating grilled steak poolside.
That my friends, is just how I do. I don’t perpetuate this great dramedy I call life- I just live it!
It almost turned into an action movie because of this chick that works here. I spent most of Friday and yesterday contemplating how to kick her ass without losing my professional standing. Usually with temp gigs I could really give a fuck, but this- Annoying Ass, her name (not clever, but to the point) has caused me to give a fuck. So much so, I want to kick her repeatedly in the spine.
Annoying Ass just started as an assistant in HR, though her title is not that- it’s some long drawn out shit that just means she’s an assistant.
Generally, I find HR people to be fairly killable. There’s that certain Stepford Wife-ness they call ‘people skills’. I don’t trust them…and even though at one point I thought about working in HR because I like connecting people and utilizing their best qualities…all the while making fun of their non-worthwhile ones.
Friday started with annoying ass drumming her acrylic nails on my desk. One of my many pet peeves is women who drum their nails on hard surfaces. I know its annoying, they know its annoying- so fuckin’ quit it! I let her stand there and do it, refusing to respond to her till she stopped. Now she doesn’t even touch my desk. - SEE, bitches CAN learn.
Ever since Annoying Ass found that we can’t be ‘friends’ by her being a doucherag, she has decided to be a better person…and now today, Tuesday, I don’t feel she should be asphyxiated by a crab lice-d pillow in her sleep.

McFinnigan was under my desk yesterday. He enjoyed it more than I did. I just wanted him gone so I could go back to non-politically correct email threads. Today he comes by.
No hello, just says: Jennifer Hudson.
I say: You think I look like her? DreamGirls or Weight Watchers?
He chuckles and says: Just in the face.
He then explains how peeps used to say he looked like Axel Rose. Let me tell you about two people who DON’T look alike. Axel Rose and Mcfinnigan!
Even I can admit that sometimes I look like J Hud, but McFinnigan looks more like that lil dude on the Lucky Charms box than Axel Rose.
Note, if he looked like Slash, I wouldn’t mind him being under my desk!

Wow, just had a pleasant convo with Annoying Ass. I really need to start teaching courses on how not being an asshat will win you friends!

Friday, May 14, 2010

The Place Where I Work: Don't You Bring Me Down Today

I thought today might be ‘a day’ because I suffered one of those inopportune NYC moments when just as you get to the subway platform, you see your train pulling away. When that happens, it makes me feel all full of woe. Then my hair started doing some crazy shit where it started out wavy/curly and then went straight in some parts. Should’ve known with the chance of thunderstorms my hair would tense up. Of course it hasn’t rained YET, but my hair is a pessimist.

Figure its Friday so I wouldn’t let a missed train and bad hair get me down. A positive attitude is the first step in making sure you won’t have to dispose of bodies at the end of the day- though I did elbow a chick for trying to push me as we made our way to the subway escalator. Bitches have to learn somehow.
What I love about working where I work is that it is sans heart rendering drama. The most I had to deal with was making sure all these clothes were sent to the right magazines and making sure the peeps from the magazines knew where in the showroom to go to look at stuff. That along with my other duties which may include emailing pretty much everyone I’ve ever known. Keeps me occupied.
Once all the magazine stuff was handled, Hans and Sebastian- I was just going to call them The Gays, but I figured the names were more exotic, plus they deserve more than just being called The Gays. So, H&S are besties. They both used to just eye me and my outfits, but once Hans deemed me cool after one conversation, they are my buddies…which I am happy about. I need them on my side incase I get attacked by the Lesbian Wolf Pack. Those girls have been circling-in fact; Tattooed Alba was telling me all about her latest celeb crush Zoe Saldana. Whew. I was glad she didn’t say Jennifer Hudson or Kelis- two celebs I’ve been told I resemble. She went on and on, and I was like: yeah she’s pretty.
I mean what else could I say? I like dudes.
Where was I? Oh yeah. Hans and Sebastian. They roll over to my desk to exchange pleasantries; Hans is carrying a small dog. Brutus…well that’s the name I gave the dog. He may have mentioned the name, but I was so amazed with the fact that pets are allowed! Am not into animals being everywhere…but if I decided to say bring a pet parakeet in who I taught to say only the phrase: eat a bowl of dicks
…then that would be cool!!!!

Of course McFinnigan has been by my desk like 15 times…and even put out there that he’s on Facebook and that I should look him up. An hour later he came back and wondered why we aren’t Facebook friends, I said: because you’re crazy.
Must’ve said it in a ‘nice’ way because he still thinks I’m awesome.
Because Mcfinnigan and Stiglitz work too closely together, I feel I should rid my soul of my love for Stiglitz and move outside of the office. Will stay inside the office building though- there’s a guard who works downstairs. He is adorable! I caught him checking to see if his pit’s smelled-from that moment on, I was smitten. We’ll see how it goes.
One more week here at fashion central…and then there’s a possibility I’ll be showing luxury apartments??
Yeah.
Cheers to positive attitudes!!

Thursday, May 13, 2010

The Place Where I Work: Irish Cream Getting Crushed by Oreo's

I don’t usually call it this soon, but um…McFinnigan wants to make a ‘Baileys latte’ with me, for reals! He has been to my desk about 5 times today, and always ‘happens’ to be around when I am alone in a dark corner looking at something. He’s funny, so I let him live-he also likes to tell stories about just-about OD’ing on Tylenol and Advil! And I was correct in saying STORIES.

You know how his height is a big issue with me because he is boob height…I think that’s what he likes the most.

THIS JUST IN:
McFinnigan is NOT Irish, he just looks it making me a stereotyping punk! Also, he’s married-whew. Won’t have to turn down dates. Also, score for my ego. Lil dude is just being nice. Nice and creepy. Good creepy though.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

The Story of We


**In 2007 I worked at a place I often refer to as HELL. Sure it was an architecture firm which one would think would be cool, but when you have Satan and her hubby Lucifer running the joint...it was all kinda 7 rings of craziness. Yes, I worked at a place where a husband and wife were partners. Just 2 crazy kids trying to build buildings. This all would've been cool if they had hearts, souls and didn't eat babies for brunch.
A few good things grew out of that job. I made 3 amazing friends. There's B- who I worked with again at a not so hellish more corporate place, Jesse and L. All three lovely ladies. All three some of the best people I know. Seeing that we were like minded in our humor and SANITY, we bonded hardcore. There was this other dude Kirk who was part of our 'work fam', but he proved to be a douche, so he was cut.
Since I write to cope with lackluster situations-keeps me from killing- one day I cleverly made B, Jesse, L, Kirk and I characters in this show called The Story of We. It's about these people who work at a Starbucks-see how I incorporate things I enjoy, also I feel that most Starbucks barista's lead interesting lives.
The alternate 'we's' work at Starbucks and have some pretty amazing adventures, and stories to tell.
I think every HUMP DAY WEDNESDAY I'll post another We episode- if (the real) we had a camera, we were THIS close to shooting these. Instead we sat in bars and read them out loud-it was as hilarious and amazing as that sounds! Goooood times.
Anyways I hope you enjoy this as much as I did writing it.**

Screenplay by Honey T
10-15-07



Setting: In NYC of course, the story takes place on a brownstone stoop, in an apartment, in a Starbucks, at a nail salon, on the set of the Sex & the City movie and at Barney's Coop. The story and characters tend to move all around the city…its boroughs and islands. The year is 2007 and the world is as it is. Reality is real.

Characters: (each character has our REAL initials. so clever, I know)
Taylor Greene- 20's, witty and aloof
Britain Sawyer- 20's, clever, cute and sturdy
Josephina Fergus- 20's, cute, sweet and rage-filled
Lorna Long- 20's, drunkard, respectable, leads a semi-charmed life
Marilyn Herringbone- 20's, hater
Kurt Sandleback- 20's, mysterious, eccentric, moody
Acorn Dillon- 20's, artist, rapper, babysitter
and guest starring:
Robert Downey Jr.- as himself
Fifty Cent- as himself
Justin Timberlake- as himself


Scene 1- 'Valerie'-not the Mark Ronson version-the OG version by The Zutons...maybe-plays in a Starbucks. We see Taylor standing behind one register, Britain is standing behind the other and Kurt is standing between them with a clipboard in his hands. Josephina is cleaning the same spot on the glass that houses all of the tasty treats. They are silent, Britain bopping her head (to the music), but they all want to laugh-except Kurt, he is VERY serious.


Kurt:
(is counting to himself) 24…25…26..27…

Britain:
(whispers to Taylor) What do you think it is now?

Taylor:
(in a hushed tone) Croissants.

Britain:My money's on frapp's.

Kurt: AHEM. I was actually counting the number of wheatgrass hummus latte's we've sold in the last week.

Taylor:
We sold THAT many?

Kurt:
I know, I am shocked myself. That shit makes me wanna drink my own skeet.

Britain:
That's an every day thing for you, Manager Sandleback.

Josephina:
(giggles with delight) It was probably Acorn, that dude is all about the wheatgrass-

Taylor:
And Britain!

Britain:
Stop it! (goes to arrange cups)

Customer:
Can I have a tall skim no sugar light foam with one pump of raspberry mocha.

Taylor:
Sure. That'll be six eighty-five.

Josephina:
(runs behind the counter to start making the drink, she is mumbling under her breath) Fucking light foam, foam is light dumb bitch…you know what isn't light…a dead body. Dead weight- RECALL!

Taylor:
(rolls eyes) Tall, skim, no sugar, light foam, one pump raspberry mocha. (someone starts clapping, Taylor looks to see Marilyn. Taylor squints her eyes) You, Marilyn Herringbone! How dare YOU show your face in MY Starbucks!

Marilyn:
Last I checked, it was a free country. That includes Starbucks, bitch. (adjusts her Dunkin' Donuts cup in her hand) Don't tell me you're still mad about that whole thing with Mr. Sandleback-hello there Kurt.

Kurt:
(blushes) Mar-Mar-Marilyn, look what the wind blew in.

Britain:
Speaking of blowing-

Marilyn:
I wouldn't continue that sentence there, Britain. Let us not forget who started their barista career as a hot dog girl at 7-11.

Britain:
Why you little- (lunges at Marilyn, but Taylor holds herback)

Taylor:
She's not worth it.

Kurt:
Marilyn, you're not here for coffee. Let's go in the back and talk.

Taylor:
If you take her in the back, I'll quit.

Kurt:
(touches Taylor's arm) We're just talking, I promise. [he then leads Marilyn to his back office, she turns and looks at a seething Taylor, Britain and Josephina, she smiles]

Britain:
Dude you have GOT to tell me what went down with you and Sandleback-

Josephina:
I hate her, hate her, hate her! Pick up your fuckin' mocha! (the customer grabs the mocha and smiles)

Britain:
Chill Jose. Taylor, start talking.

Taylor:
(sighs) Well, two years ago I was just a young chick from Tampa, Florida looking for a place to belong. I was walking around Harlem, cuz I heard you can always find a good deal there and well since I'm Black…

Britain:Dude, I'll need an expresso to get through this.

Taylor:
Anyways! I see this tall, White dude selling DVD's on 125th Street. I was intrigued. It was Kurt Sandleback-

Britain:
HOLY SHIT! Why haven't you told me this ever??

Taylor:
Because it gets even more crazy. We just looked at each other, and it was like magic [waits while Britain and Josephina both gag and gasp]. He took me to a Kennedy's Fried Chicken and I was smitten. We were inseparable. We both got jobs at Best Buy and Virgin…then at a Lemongrass Grill. That's when Marilyn came into the picture. I thought Kurt and I would be together forever, then that tramp showed up with her short skirts and willingness to get anal over bean sprouts. She seduced Kurt with power. Told him that she could get him a manager job at a Jamba Juice. I left him and the service industry moving back to Florida…working at Disney as a dancer in the Pocahontas show. Then Lorna called and said she was manager at a Starbucks and that I should come back to New York…forget about Kurt. Guess who left to become a makeup artist, that's right LORNA and guess who took her place as manager at Starbucks?!

Josephina and Britain:
KURT!

Josephina:
Wait! He took her "in the back"? Are they doing anal over yogurt parfaits? (looks disgusted)

Taylor:
Who knows? I don't care. Fuck 'em! Kurt and I have come to a good place-

Britain:
Starbucks?

Taylor:
Yes. Plus I slept with his father. So we're even steven.

Josephina and Britain:
No way!

Taylor:
Way. YouTubed it too.

Britain:
(bows down in front of Taylor) Please teach me.

Taylor:
Oh dear child, a scorned woman would fuck a grizzly bear if it meant getting back at the dick that broke her heart.

Josephina:
(practically throws a cup of cocoa at a 5 yr old) So why do you still hate Marilyn?

Britain:
Jose, you don't know? This is a doozy.

Taylor:
That ill minded skank did something that no one should do. Ever.

Josephina:
(is wide eyed) What?

Britain:
Well Lorna left, Kurt stepped in…and Marilyn applied for a job. (looks at Taylor a bit) Now that I think about it, you and Sandleback were acting really weird-

Taylor:
If you value your life, you'll NEVER mention Kurt and I again!

Britain:
Fine. So, one night Marilyn, Taylor and I were closing. The next day Kurt comes in and Marilyn changed all the tall, grande and venti's- to small, medium and large!

Josephina:
Noooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

Taylor:
She then said Brit and I did it.

Britain:
After two lie detector test and a few anal probes- the truth came out.

Josephina:
Wow! What a conniving bitch!

Taylor:
Who are you tellin'?!

Kurt and Marilyn come from his back office. Kurt looks a little bothered and Marilyn looks disappointed.

Marilyn:
Shoot. I was hoping you'd be gone by now Taylor.

Taylor:
Die. Just die.

Kurt:
Now, now Taylor…Marilyn is leaving.

Britain:
(rolls her eyes at Kurt) You're a sad sac.

Marilyn:
There, there Brit-Brit you'll have your chance-(a scone hits her on the face) What the-

Josephina:
Oh. I'm sorry. It slipped.

Kurt:
(looks uneasy) You better go Marilyn. It gets dangerous when the edibles start flying.

Marilyn:
You tramps haven't seen the last of me! (she walks out in a huff)

Taylor:
(practically growls at Kurt) Why was she here?!

Kurt:
Business.

Taylor:
Dude, you have a 'real-life' doll. Give me a better answer.

Kurt:
Dammit. Fuck you. I'm goin' for a smoke. (he walks out)

Britain:
(after she, Taylor and Josephina watch Kurt leave) Okay, you have to answer me this-

Taylor:
Medium. A good fill. Nice stroke. Bad at oral. Went a minute fifty tops. His dad was the best lover I've ever had.

Britain:
Shit, I shall put a picture of you and a candle by my bed and create a shrine.

Josephina:
I'll make Taylor t-shirts!

Britain:
Yes! Me and my boyfriend Robert Downey Jr. will wear them.

Taylor:
(she and Josephina look at each other) Dude, stop it.

Britain:
What?

Josephina:
The whole Robert Downey Jr. thing. Come on.

Britain:
He is my boyfriend! He's just busy.

Taylor:
Oooookay. I'm gonna go get more soy milk. (walks towards the back)

Josephina:
(looks at the glass encased baked goods) We need more cookies.

Britain:
Screw you guys. I'm going to grab a smoke with Kurt.

Britain walks out. Josephina and Taylor shake their heads.



Scene 2- We are inside No Claws nail salon in Park Slope, Brooklyn. Lorna and Taylor are both getting manicures. The instrumental to 'Underneath Your Clothes' by Shakira plays in the background.


Lorna:
(looks at her right hand, her left is still being painted) This pink color is dahling.

Taylor:
Why are you talking like that?

Lorna:
I'm a world traveler and work on movie sets. (takes a swig from her flask)

Taylor:
Right. That explains it.

Lorna:
So, what's up?

Taylor:
Britain. Kurt. Marilyn. I think its time for all of us to part ways.

Lorna:
Juicy. Do tell.

Taylor:
Well, Britain constantly lies about her boyfriend being Robert Downey Jr.. Kurt is a tool. Marilyn is a devil skank.

Lorna:
You know what I think. Life is just like that. You wake up one day in Borneo with a dry tongue and some wood chips in your ass and you cry cause you can't remember how you got there. Then three Chilean pool sharks start shakin' you down for a quarter-mill and you realize that you miss your mother.

Taylor:
(stares at Lorna a long while) What-the-fuck-are-you-talking-about?

Lorna:
Find another job. Sephora is hiring.

Taylor:
Yes! That's it!

Lorna:
(takes a swig from her flask) I know, I'm a fuckin' genius. I should get a wax.

Around the same Lorna and Taylor are getting their mami's, Britain and Josephina are working. Acorn comes into the Starbucks and stares dreamily at Britain.

Acorn:
[stands in front of the register Britain is behind, she curses under breath] Britain, my love, love. Angel from above, above. Swam across the pond, right into my open arms.

Britain:
Hey Acorn. Wheatgrass latte today? (gives Josephina a scornful look which stops her giggles)

Acorn:
Chyeah. With a little slice of you, my vanilla sugar cookie.

Britain:
Grande, wheatgrass hummus latte, soy.

Josephina:
Was that a vanilla sugar cookie too? (smiles)

Britain:
Fuck no.

Acorn:
Your mouth is so dirty I want to clean it up. Lap it up with my tongue. Call me Mr. Clean, clean and I'll make you scream, scream.

Britain:
(breathes heavy) Please step off the line. I have other customers.

Acorn:
I'll catch you later my heavenly barista. I wanna explore you like a tourista. Discover your islands-

Britain:
Move the fuck off the line! (a few gasps are heard, Acorn slickly walks towards the drink pick-up area)

Josephina:
What's under your bonnet?

Britain:
Just hate that kid.

Josephina:
More than usual though?

Britain:
No, it's about the same.

Kurt comes from his back office.

Kurt:
Yo, what was all the commotion?

Britain:
Five hours later…

Josephina:
Nothing. Acorn is here though.

Acorn:
Yo, yo bro.

Kurt:
Yo! (they soul brotha handshake) Haven't seen you in a minute kid.

Acorn:
Been maxin', relaxin', steady tryin' to get paper. Your girl Britain here got me feelin' like I wanna rape her. (Britain sucks her teeth)

Kurt:
Yeah, yeah. I know how you feel, man.

Acorn:
Got my drink so I gotta bounce, see ya on the flipside Big Kurt and Britain the chick I always wanna mount. [he and Kurt give each other pounds, Acorn winks at Britain and Josephina, then strolls out]

Josephina:
He's so dreamy. (starts laughing)

Britain:
I hate you both with a passion so strong it-

Kurt:
Let's go outside for a smoke. Jose, hold it down.

Josephina:
Ay, ay captain- I mean, aight son.

Kurt:
Word. (he and Britain stand in front of the Starbucks. Kurt lights a cigarette) So, what's up?

Britain:
Hard day.

Kurt:
Yeah, but there's something else.

Britain:
What, you want to have a heart to heart? No thanks.

Kurt:
I can read you like a horoscope. How about I'll tell you mine if you tell me yours?

Britain:
I already know about you and Taylor. (takes the cig from Kurt's hand)

Kurt:
I figured. I really cared about her. Messed shit up. What can I say? The pussy speaks to me, it like whispers in my ear n' shit.

Britain:
(smokes comes out of her mouth as she laughs) Wow. You are the lamest dude ever.

Kurt:
That's not what the bitches say.

Britain:
If it's not Taylor then what is it?

Kurt:
Well, its pertaining to Taylor-meaning she's gonna be pissed.

Britain:
Okay…

Kurt:
Marilyn is my baby's momma. She comes here to get child support payments. I go to her crib to check on the lil bastard. I know if I tell Taylor she'll kill the kid-even if she did sleep with my dad.

Britain:
HOLY SHIT! This just gets better!

Kurt:
Tell me yours! You must also promise to NEVER tell Taylor. I must've really put it down, bitch gets CRAZY when it comes to me.

Britain:
Somehow I think she'll be okay. Mine is probably worse.

Kurt:
This calls for another Newport. (lights another cig, lets Britain take the first drag)

Britain:
(sighs) During a moment of weakness. I mean, my boyfriend…Robert Downey Jr. was back in the can for possession, and I just felt lost. I went to this spoken word contest with a friend…ran into Acorn. I drank Absyithe and fucked Acorn. I totally fucked Acorn.

Kurt:
(is laughing) Fuck you dude! Robert Downey Jr. is NOT your boyfriend.

Britain:
(stomps the cig out) I hate you and I hope your kid breaks its arm on a seesaw. (she walks back into Starbucks)

Kurt stands alone, still smiling. He starts to light another cigarette when Taylor appears in front of him with a hateful look on her face.

Kurt:
(coughs) Oh…Taylor. Hey.

Taylor:
I heard everything. Everything. I will not kill your kid.

Kurt:
Thanks.

They both walk into the Starbucks, Kurt uneasily goes to fix up some bags of coffee. Britain and Josephina watch Taylor with some concern, they don't like the look in her eyes.

Taylor:
I'm glad everyone is here. I have an announcement to make.

Kurt:
Don't-

Taylor:
Shush. Put your sac back in your boxers this is about me, not you!

Josephina:
(whispers to Britain) She has that look in her eyes like when we sold out of the lemon loafs before her shift.

Britain:
(whispers back) Yeah she was pissed that day.

Taylor:
I am officially resigning from Starbucks.

Kurt, Josephina and Britain:
Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

Taylor:
Yes.

Britain:
Why?

Josephina:
What the fuck Taylor? I thought we were buying franchises?!

Kurt:
If it's me, I swear I'll keep Marilyn away-

Taylor:
Stop it. All of you. I need to break free of these green apron straps that dig into my shoulders and weigh heavy on my soul. Jose, you're great, but you're gonna fuckin' kill somebody one day. Britain, you're totally not dating Robert Downey Jr.-

Britain:
Fuck you! I am.

Kurt:
Come on, now is NOT the time to lie Brit.

Britain:
Fuck you guys! (runs towards the back crying)

Taylor:
Kurt, you know. You just know why I have to leave.

Kurt:
Yeah I do. It still sucks though. Sucks a lot.

Taylor:
I don't hate y'all…it's just what I have to do. (she gives them both a final look and leaves the Starbucks)

Josephina:
Feel like I wanna cry-

Kurt:
(tears in his eyes) I'm already there.


Scene 3- Taylor is meeting Lorna on the set of 'Sex and the City', they are filming in Central Park. Lorna was hired to do the make up. There are people everywhere. It's very lively.

Lorna:
(waves at Taylor) There you are, do you have the concealer?

Taylor:
I brought over all the Bobbi B. we have in stock! (looks around) This is so fuckin' cool.

Lorna:
Not as cool as sandstone during a rainstorm.

Taylor:
Yeah…so is Sarah J. around?

Lorna:
I don't know. I work mostly with everyone else.

Taylor:
Okay…(squints) is that Robert Downey Jr.?

Lorna:
Yeah the sperm socket is in the film. Playing a gay friend of the red headed frumpy one.

Taylor:
Awesome. Be right back. [she walks towards Robert Downey Jr. he begins smiling and then Britain jumps into his arms, they start making out heavily] Britain?

Britain:
[stops sucking face and looks at Taylor, giving her a knowing smile] Taylor? Wow. What's it been a week?

Taylor:
Yeah. Is that your…boyfriend?

Robert Downey Jr.:
Ah you are one of the cunts that didn't believe my lady. She certainly loves you though. (he squeezes Britain's ass)

Taylor:
I love her a lot too. Sorry I didn't believe you-

Britain:
It's the past. How's Sephora?

Taylor:
Boring. How's it going at Starbucks?

Britain:
Dunno. Jose and I both got jobs at Whole Foods. You should come by sometime.

Taylor:
What about Kurt?

Britain:
Transferred to the Starbucks in Harlem.

Robert Downey Jr.:
That's one crazy cracker.

Taylor:
Damn right, Robert Downey Jr.

Robert Downey Jr.:
Babe, I gotta run through some lines. Be back in 20 for some more lips and hips.

Britain:
Okay you sexy, sexy man. (watches him walk away, Taylor does too)

Taylor:
(hugs Britain) I'm so glad we're friends. I'm sorry for-

Britain:
Hush, hush- wait, have you received any gifts from Jose…maybe felt like you were being followed?

Taylor:
Yeah…now that I think about it I have felt more eyes on me than usual.

Britain:
Listen, Josephina has been stalking and plotting. She decided she wants you dead- let me call her now and tell her everything's cool. (on cell, listens for a bit) Hey, Jose…

Josephina:
Hey what's up, I'm about to hop on the train.

Britain:
Just wanted to let you know I am standing here with Taylor and everything's cool.

Josephina:
(is silent a while) Really?

Britain:
Really. So, let her live….okay?

Josephina:
(is silent a while) Fine. Tell her not to eat the cupcakes I sent.(cheerily) Gotta go!

Britain:
(they hang up) Alrighty, things are good. You can live. Oh, don't eat the cupcakes that have been sent to your house.


Taylor:
Whew. I won't.

Lorna:
(walks over to Britain and Taylor)Hey Britain, long time no see. (they hug) Heard about the strife between you and Taylor here, but I saw you guys hug it out so I figure everything's cool. I'm glad too because there comes a time when you really need a friend. You sit alone in bars talking to plumbers and wind up doing lines of coke with 16 year olds in the bathroom. Wake up three days later married to a guy with a well in his basement.

Britain:
Always great to see you Lorna. You know my boyfriend Robert Downey Jr. is in this movie.

Lorna:
He is. Good guy and a good lay. I haven't tasted, but I hear things.

Britain:
Thanks.

The same day. Marilyn walks into the Harlem Starbucks. She is wearing an orange dashiki with a matching orange head wrap. Kurt is looking solemn holding his clipboard. He starts laughing when he see's Marilyn.

Kurt:
(laughing) What the fuck are you wearing?

Marilyn:
(goes from embarrassment to anger) Clothing! I am becoming one with the environment, jackass.

Kurt:
We ain't in Kenya.

Harlem Barista 1:
Well, well, well looks like Whitey Manager likes himself some brown sugar.

Harlem Barista 2:
The Devil always likes to taste the forbidden fruits.

Kurt:
Can it guys. Jamal can you check the milk containers. Hakeem I see a customer waiting…

Harlem Barista 1:
Now Whitey showing some authority in front of his chocolate jezebel.

Marilyn:
I am more of a mocha latte, thank you. (turns to Kurt) You let these thugs talk to you like that?

Kurt:
It doesn't matter. Even if they were nice, this place would still suck balls. (he starts smiling big)

Marilyn:
(thinks its because of her) Well I'm here, a nice familiar face.

Kurt:
No, you're here for money. Josephina is a nice face to see. (he goes and hugs Josephina) It's so great to see you.

Harlem Barista 2:
Ah, see there sista. They always go back to their own.

Marilyn:
Fuck off, Malcolm X!

Josephina:
I wanted to check in on you. See if Harlem World welcomed you back.

Kurt:
They did, sorta. It's awesome to see you. How's Britain?

Josephina:
Good, good. She just called me. I guess we're friends with Taylor now. They made up.

Kurt:
Great. (notices a few big guys coming in, one bumps into Josephina)

Josephina:
Watch where the fuck you're going! (turns to look at the 'bumper')

Fifty Cent:
Look at the mouth on Little House on the Prarie here. (his boys chuckle)

Josephina:
Fuckin' say you're sorry or I'll punch your teeth out! (clenches her lil fist)

Fifty Cent:
(he and Josephina have a stare down) Sorry.

Harlem Barista 1:
Yo, she just played Fitty.

Josephina:
(unclenches fist) See, that wasn't so bad. (blushes because Fifty is still staring at her)

Fifty Cent:
I think I found my wifey for life yall. (he pulls Josephina towards him and they start making out)

Kurt:
Nice.(turns to Marilyn) Wanna go to the back office, check is in there.

Marilyn:
(is staring open mouthed) Um…sure.

While in the back office.

Marilyn:
You should assemble the old Starbucks crew. Those bitches are miserable, but they're better than the Black Isrealites you have out there.

Kurt:
Wow, you really think I should? This is big coming from you.

Marilyn:
I have only wanted what's best for you. Those baron bitches make you happy.

Kurt:
That they do. I'm gonna do it!


Britain is walking up Taylor's brownstone stoop when she hears…

Acorn:
Oh me oh my its my lover before my eyes in my pants I rise.

Britain:
Shit! (turns towards Acorn) Wow. What are you doing around here?

Acorn:
Gettin' that paper is how I live taking care of other people's kids.

Britain:
Great…well…(starts to head up the stairs again)

Acorn:
Wait, love love from above above. Now that I've got you to myself, I want to ask you why you put my heart on the shelf.

Britain:
Acorn, I'm in love with someone else. The night we had…is foggy to me…and well I used you. I am sorry for that.

Acorn:
Your words are shankin' my soul, emotions out of control, I kinda wanna put you in a choke hold-but I won't. For one night we were one and between your creamy thighs I saw the sun.

Britain:
(dry heaves) I have to go now. Good talk, Acorn. [runs into building, as she enters Taylor's apartment with her key, she is greeted with Taylor seated in front of her laptop smiling]

Taylor:
Oh! Brit, you're just in time! (pats an empty seat next to her on the couch) What's with the face?

Britain:
(sits beside Taylor) Acorn.

Taylor:
Ohhh. Yeah he babysits some brats around here. I see him, but he knows not to speak to me. I grill him…and have thrown rocks at him.

Britain:
Of course. What are we looking at?

Taylor:
Well for some reason I feel a bit down. Whenever I feel that way I like to go on YouTube and type in, "Daddy Long Stroke". I sift through docu-drama's about stroke victims and tadaaaa…(turns her laptop towards Britain)

Britain:
(horrified, yet intrigued) Is this what I think it is?

Taylor:
Only a minute-seven of some of the best fuckin' on YouTube. Let's watch. [the screen is black, then you see a chest with silver patches of hair. As the shot widens-besides the chest glistening with sweat you hear Taylor saying things like "go daddy go"-]

Britain:
I can't watch this.

Taylor:
Okay, but it's the only thing that got me through. (clutches her laptop to her chest and smiles)

Britain:
We should shop. Actually, we need to. Now.

Taylor:
Cool- (her phone rings) Hello?

Kurt:
Taylor, hey.

Taylor:
Wow. Your balls must be ringin'.

Kurt:
Not really. Is Brit with you?

Taylor:
Yep.

Kurt:
Put me on speaker phone then.

Taylor:
(presses a button and hangs up the receiver) Okay.

Britain:
What's up Kurt?

Kurt:
Come back to Starbucks.

Taylor:
Dude, I may be Black, but I don't do Harlem…anymore.

Kurt:
I know, but we're going back to our old spot. Josephina is in. You know how much we all need each other. Who else are we gonna work with? Who are we gonna have adventures with?

Britain:
Yeah, those tool's at Whole Foods smell like tofu and beet juice.

Taylor:
I'll never leave you guys again! I'm in.

Britain:
Shit, me too! (she and Taylor hi-5)

Taylor:
Okay Kurt see you on Monday. Now, we shop.

Kurt:
(sounds like he might cry) You guys just don't know how much this means to me-

Britain:
We know, Kurt. Walk it off man.

Taylor:
Go man up and get the fuck off my phone!

Kurt:
I missed you guys so much.


Britain, Taylor, Josephina and Lorna are shopping at Barney's Co-op. There seems to be a crowd in the jean section.

Taylor:
Ass-mites drooling all over the good denim.

Britain:
Word.

Lorna:
(sniffs the air) No it's bigger than a bunch of skinny-hungry bitches looking for something to make them skinny with a J-Lo ass…there's a celebrity here.

Josephina:
You can smell a celebrity? (adjusts her diamond encrusted chain that reads: CUPCAKE)

Lorna:
They have a smell of virgin olive oil and sheep's milk.

Britain:
What do common folk smell like?

Lorna:
Wet burlap and wine coolers.

Taylor:
Okay. I want everyone not to move. (they stop walking) Justin Timberlake is over there. He is fingering jeans and listening to his I-pod. I love this man.

Britain:
No way. (peeks)

Lorna:
(walks over to Justin and taps him on the shoulder, they hug, she brings him over to the ladies) Britain, Josephina and Taylor…this is Justin Timberlake.

Justin Timberlake:
Ladies. Taylor (kisses her hand).

Taylor:
(blushes) This is too much.

Lorna:
I'm going to get some jeans.

Britain and Josephina:
Me too. (they run off)

Justin Timberlake:
So…

Taylor:
So…

Justin Timberlake:
You like jeans?

Taylor:
I live 20 minutes away. I have wine and Wii. You down?

Justin Timberlake:
(takes her hand) Let's bounce boo! (they leave the Co-op)


It's Monday morning. Kurt is arranging coffee bags. Josephina is cleaning a spot on the glass encased goodies whilst wearing her CUPCAKE chain. Taylor is humming 'SexyBack' while handing a customer a drink.

Kurt:
So, me and the kid are taking karate classes. It's pretty cool.

Britain:
Great. My boyfriend Robert Downey Jr. and I are taking a pottery class with Josephina and Fitty.

Josephina:
Yeah, we'll pick you up this Friday, Curtis just got his Escalade detailed and baby wants to show it off.

Taylor:
Holla. (they all laugh)

Kurt:
I'm really diggin' the kid. Even got it a lil green apron.

Josephina:
Aww. Sounds cute. Taylor are you in L.A. this weekend?

Taylor:
Yeah. J.T. wants me to help him pick out a new house to buy.

Britain:
Hate to get cheesey, but this is pretty cool guys. Us all being here. Together.

Kurt:
With our hearts filled with love n' shit.

Josephina:
Yall gonna make a muthafucka cry! (takes out a 100 dollar bill and dabs her eyes)

Taylor:
(two tears glide down her cheek) We are family. I've got all my sisters- and brother (Kurt smiles)- with me.


The End.
Stay tuned for Episode 2!