Friday, February 28, 2014

The Place Where I Work: Vamp Art

We all know I am a pervert with a heart of gold and a sense of humor-basically,  I am a funny bitch, y'all know this.
I am also unobservant (SOMETIMES)- was so caught up in this one dude in the office I totally missed a treasure I now call The Vampire.
The name is fitting because he is mad mysterious...and has the ability to hypnotize you with his stare.  His stare has also been known to remove my clothing.  ONLY my clothing though.
The Vampire is my friend's boss...I'll call  her The MexiCan- will put 'the's' in front of their names so it shows they are linked.
Anyways, before The Vamp and I started eye fucking each other he was a loner.  Rarely spoke, smiled or was seen around the office.  Post my glow and effervescent  flava- he is now seen all over the office smiling, saying 'hi'- yet still maintaining his mystery.
When The MexiCAN inquired as to why this was happening, I mentioned that I was boning her boss (not the truth as he is a married man, but a girl can dream because he IS sexy).  Since I am a visual person and I like teasing my friends (making me a treasure and a pest), I decided to draw what The Vamp and I do on the regs...I basically started a post-it series about our sexual romps.
Here is the first...

Pretty basic stuff.  These all came to me in a daydream I had about him inviting me into his office one early morning...sigh...where am I?
So now The MexiCAN has to go into her boss's office with these visuals in her head...-good times.  The funniest is when I had to go into his office to talk to him about something.  Had to maintain a straight face and not look at his crotch.  To deal with my emotions I drew the second post-it in my series...

Yep.  I felt much better after...though the last position left people confused.  I mention how he is a vampire and can levitate and swing me around whilst thrusting DEEP inside me.
The most recent post-it depicts things we've done (or what I'd like to do) with milkshakes.  You see, our office had this Olympics event that involved Shake Shack milkshakes.  The milkshakes caused us to be social, so of course The Vampire made his way over to me and told me HOW GOOD his CHOCOLATE milkshake was.  I am NOT making that up.  We then discuss the 'concretes' Shake Shack makes and he says those are good n' thick.
I believe I blushed and gulped my milkshake.
In any case I felt compelled to let my angst and sexual frustration out with another addition to my series...

Again, my antics are to tease The MexiCAN and to entertain myself at work- though I am always thoroughly entertained as you know because I always work with some characters.
...and though The Vampire and I will never be, at least I have caused him to come out of his shell a little (unfortunately not with my vagina) and I can use my imagination which is always better than the real deal.

Friday, February 21, 2014

You Don't Know My Life: When A Baby Cries In Da Woods

AHHHHHH The Walking Dead is just so good.  We are really seeing character development with everyone separated because of The Governors attempt at taking the prison.
Basically everyone is circling around each other...because how far can one really go on foot?  We start with Daryl and Beth.  A seething Daryl and ever hopeful Beth.  Daryl is seething because he had to leave his poncho (at the prison) and he is stuck with Beth- actually the fact that he is stuck with ANYONE is pissing him off.  He is a lone wolf.  Peeps are hoping they have sex...but Beth is like 12 and Daryl ain't about that sex life.  He's seen what happened with Shane and Laurie- babies can't happen when you're surviving.
While he's figuring on how to ditch her in the woods, she's having a narrative from one of her diary entries...which she then burns because hope is all lost when she stumbles upon zombies eating people.  #ShitHappens

Speaking of leaving white women in the woods- Tyrese is stuck with baby Judith (who I am happy is still alive) and Activia's (Carol) pseudo daughters.  Had this been Georgia pre-apocalypse and he was watching his friends daughters...a big burly black guy with 3 little white girls...he would've been hung from the tallest trees or shot for whatever random reason.  Luckily it is the apocalypse so Tyrese will be aight...except when the baby cries and gets them all killed.  Being a ruthless bitch, I woulda left them kids in the woods....too much stress.  Thankfully Tyrese is a better dude and makes it happen AND THEN Activia pops up and saves the day!  Unfortunately, Lizzy, one of her pseudo daughters is a fuckin' PSYCHOPATH so they'll have to deal with that eventually.  I think its gonna come out that she was feeding the walkers at the gate because she thought one of them was cute.

A big surprise was finding that Glenn WAS STILL AT THE PRISON!  I guess he went back for Maggie (aww).  Have to say that Glenn is doing for Asian men, what JLo did for the ass- making that ish acceptable!  Not that Asian men aren't acceptable it's just that they aren't seen as sex symbols or even as MEN.  You know manly men!  Unless they do some type of kung fu...or have a tattoo.  Anyways, Glenn is a romantic hero.  He put on his riot gear and fought through zombies because he HAS to get to his Maggie.  Awwwww.....
He scooped up lil lesbian (and possibly Daryl's poncho) who was from The Governors band of dumbfucks and was like: take this gun and help me find my dumb bitch!
Only thing is....Glenn is still recovering from the flu or some shit and passes out.  Where are the Asian herbal remedies when you need 'em??!!

Now we have some new characters to contend with along with Michonne wearing a new outfit and I hope she and Rick took a bath together or something.  I dunno.

Thursday, February 13, 2014

The Bone List: V Day Bang Out(s)!

Awww can't have the week leading up to commerical love with no penetration!  Mmmmmm.  So here is my special deluxe Bone List- deluxe because I have added one more person instead of the usual three ballsacs I'd like to bounce on.

Let's start with Justin Timberlake....

I've watched him grow up and have found something bone-able about him at every stage- well except for the all denim er'thing stage that included a denim cowboy hat.  No bueno.
Through all the questionable hair and outfits my love has gone on (cue that obnoxious Celine Dion song).  It has gone from wanting to wear matching outfits- when he was doing the windpant and sneakers look...with the diamond JT chain...yeah that look.  The love has endured.  It hasn't grown into a nonsexual friendship either, I would TOTALLY sit on JT's face (have you seen that nose, mmmmmmmmmm).
Though I am sure there would be mirrors involved- as in on the ceiling or something- while we boned.  JT would have to look at himself, but I think he would be a satisfying lovah.
I would do him on a bed of rose petals using teddy bears as pillows...there would be a disco ball too.  It would all end in a dance off!...a naked one.

Next up is Jesse Williams...

Sometimes Jesse is a lil too 'pretty boy' for me, but I cannot deny the urges of my loins!  It is also too bad I do not watch Greys Anatomy.  I truly don't know where I've seen him and was like 'lemme hop on your magic stick' but I just know that I would indeed like to HOP ON IT!  When I read up on him I found out he was a teacher who fell into acting.  Have a few HARD lessons I'd like him to teach me...we'd have intellectual conversations while he is diggin' out my back.  From following his Instagram I see that he is a 'foodie' as well...I have some artisnal things he can eat.
Our lovemaking would involve lots of chocolate and a waterbed.  Yes lawt!

Mmmm and now Joe Manginello ( I think that's how you spell it)....

This dude is wearing a deep v-neck and I WOULD STILL let him smack it up, flip it and RUB IT DOWN (OH NOOOOOO....YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS).  Joe is just a big, rugged dude!  He seems like the type to make me a philly cheesesteak sandwich with bread he has baked, he would have on his boxer briefs and request that I am wearing boyshorts and a cropped shirt.  We would eat the sandwich and then he would bang me out hardcore because he is into working out.  Then we'd eat again...and well the cycle would continue.  I don't care if he maybe might be a self centered jerk- I would put aside my notions AND my pannies!!
This dude is wearing a necklace.  A MUTHA FUCKING NECKLACE and I would still do him.  DO him HARD.

Last but not least...Laz Alonso...

Something about Laz's face...his demeanor...his smile, there is this subtle sexy.  A confident, lingering sex appeal that I just wanna wrap my legs around.  He seems artsy yet down-to-Earth.  We would get along because I am the same I'll go to an exhibit opening at a museum and then chill at Roll N' Roaster....mmm cheez fries.
Where was I?
Laz is just ...a man...a seemingly tender lover who would pull my hair if needed.  He would lay me out and put pieces of chocolate on me...letting them get warm, and then he'd slowly eat them off me, sipping wine in between.  Mmmmmmmm!

Monday, February 10, 2014

Was It Something I Said?

In these day leading up to commercial love day aka Valentines Day.  A day of horror, red and chocolates, I have decided to fall in line with masses who feel like lost un- neutered puppies in the wind without someone to love.  Well not that you don't have someone to love- we're not talking family and friends, we're talking someone you're boning.  Or someone you potentially want to bone.
Perhaps I would have someone to bone if I didn't always fuck it up with my mouth.  Well...what comes out of my mouth.
Consider these days leading up the OFFICIAL DAY OF ALL THINGS LOVE AND PINK like a personal therapy session.  A way to figure some shit out...with some special treats for yous.

Here are things I have said to dudes recently that have probably led to them not wanting to bone me or be my sweet sweet Valentine:

  1. You remind me of my brother.
  2. So...when did you come out to your parents?
  3. No.  Nope.  No.
  4. Why are you talking to me?
  5. The thing is my taste level is like...high.
  6. Are you on some sort of drug?
  7. No, I seriously thought you were gay though...
  8. Thing is I am not really into dating assholes...well not douchebag assholes like you, like you're cool to joke with but...seriously...
  9. How old are you?!
And there it is.  *sigh*  Am not gonna be able to settle down with this kinda negativity.  I either have to keep quiet and smize or say more positive things like: yes, please put it in me.

You Don't Know My Life: I CHOOSE TO LIVE!

The Walking Dead is back y'all and everything is FUCKED!  The crew is separated but at least the Governor is DEAD!....along with Hershel who didn't I realize how much I loved till the sword went across his throat.  He grew on me with his voice of reason and lil white ponytail.
We had to watch Hershel die like FIVE times though.  WTF?!
In any case, Rick and 'surly teenager Carl' are hobbling along.  Carl is being a lil shit because he can shoot good and is angry at his dad because he thinks it's his fault that things went shitty at the prison.  He thinks Rick got SOFT.  Rick was too hurt up to kick Carl in the nuts and tell to shut.the.eff.up!- or just be understanding Rick (that he is) and know that hormones are to blame.  Hormones and grief.
I think in the world they live in there is no stability and shit happens.  I mean there are DEAD PEOPLE WALKING AROUND EATING PEOPLE...also people in general are shit as the Governor and his followers show.  It's just a dog eat dog world.  Literally.
After wishing his father DEAD (at the time Rick was unconscious and really close to death on a couch), Carl soon realizes that he truly doesn't want to be alone and couldn't make it without his dad.  Aww.  When he thought his dad was dead but couldn't shoot him... and was like: just eat me...
Some fine acting by Chandler Riggs aka 'sometimes imma bitch Carl'.
I have a love/hate thing with Carl, but when I see him eating pudding like a KID, I remember, look what he has had to grow up in.  Then I respect him when he gets excited about the Xbox, but knew to use the cable wire to lock the front door.
While Carl is throwing tantrums and eating pudding, Michonne is GOING THROUGH IT!  She goes back to give Hershel a 'final death' and then procures two new 'pets'.  We see her go back to old shut down Michonne and make a choice to dwell among the dead...and possibly die herself.
She even has this dream that reveals some of her life pre-apocalypse life. Like woah.  Michonne had a kid and a dope ass apartment...and a dope ass life.  She had a LOVAH (not a boyfriend or a hubby).  Would've totally hung with her, if only for her fresh veggies and dip.
After seeing a 'bizarro Michonne' she decides she wants TO LIVE.  She follows what I realized were Rick n' Carl's eventually finding Rick and Carl.  We aren't blessed with a reunion scene (yet) but it all made me feel a certain way.

This episode had me all in my feelings...I went from being terrified when Carl lost his shoe- to exhilaration when Michonne chose TO LIVE!  I think most  self aware peeps can relate to that moment when you can shut down emotionally thinking it easier not care or you can keep yourself open and process each emotion with poise and sometimes a lack thereof.  Shit happens (especially in an apocalypse) and you have to deal and move on.  You have to choose to live so that you can have the best life possible under any circumstances.  #SacUp

Now begins the countdown to when Rick is healed enough to put a hurtin' on Michonnes lady bits!  If anyone deserves a good bang out, it's those two!

Whew.  Thank hay-sus The Walking Dead is BACK...though only for EIGHT eps.  AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Monday, February 3, 2014


I was having a cool weekend.  No real stakes in the Super Bowl, but I wanted the SeaHawks to win because of Richard Sherman being my favorite.  The weather was right n' tight in New York City- meaning it wasn't 9 degrees, so one could stroll after some amazing dim sum.  Friday was spent drinking a lot of soju and feeling groovy.  I was feeling good even if the floor I live on smells smokey due to TWO electrical fires happening.
All blessings counted.  Basking in the simple things...and then I hear that Phillip Seymour Hoffman was found dead of an alleged overdose.
I don't when or how, but I connected with The Hoffster- the name I called him in my head because I thought we would totally be cool if we knew each other.  He was a talented beyond.  He seemed down to earth and not like a guy caught up in how great he was.
I ran into him twice.  The first time was outside of Around The Clock- this awesome diner in the East Village (well it was, it is gone now).  He was chatting with another guy.  I was gaping at him open mouthed, then I started whispering 'Hoffster...Hoffster...Hoffster..." (we know I get weird with celebs).  He and I made eye contact because I was the weirdo staring at him and whispering 'Hoffster'.  He smiled at me and nodded.  I text everyone I knew and was beside myself with happiness.
The second time was at the Waverly Diner- see both awesome food spots that Hoffster and I could have chilled at and spoken about life.  I dunno.  Maybe we both would've sat in silence, eating or sipping...and making an occasional observation.
This time I just stared at him (no whispering) until he looked up at me and we smiled n' nodded at each other.  I was experiencing the delish patty melts with m'girl Jesse, and as he walked out of the diner, he said 'goodbye' and smiled again.
And again, I was just delighted with life.  I thought maybe he remembered me as the weirdo whispering 'Hoffster' and found it endearing.  Most likely though, he was being a cool New Yorker who happened to be the most AMAZING actor and acknowledged that I knew who he was and was happy I didn't disturb his meal.
I did note as he left the diner that he needed to stop doing whatever he was on.  Just a sense that I got that shit wasn't right.

It is amazing who you connect with.  I stopped trying to understand why certain people and things appeal to me, I just go with it....but with Phillip though, I sensed a constant turmoil.  An integrity in the grit.  A moment (just one) of clarity found in humor.  He was effortless.  I connected with all of that.
I am sad for his family and sad that the demons won.

Back in the day to occupy my mind and time, I wrote this script for an amazing show (made for cable) called The Story of We and OF COURSE I put my Hoffster in it because... I just really enjoyed him.

Rest In Peace P.S.H.