Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Horoscope- week of 3/28/11

Gemini Horoscope
Freewill Astrology

Between now and April 16, you really should try to party every night. You should experiment with at least 100 different altered states of consciousness, and talk to at least 500 fascinating people, and explode with at least 800 fits of laughter, and change your mind at least 1000 times. You need massive stimulation, Gemini. You need record-breaking levels of variety and mood swings. Be everywhere! Do everything! APRIL FOOL! While it's true that this might be one of those times that the visionary poet William Blake was referring to when he said, "The road of excess leads to the palace of wisdom," please take care you don't end up slobbering face-down in the gutter without any pants on halfway along the road of excess. Remember the goal: to actually reach the palace of wisdom.

WOAH! This week is going to be EPIC!-until I reach the palace of wisdom and am all like- what/who.the.HELL.did I do?????
This also reminds me that April Fools day is this week!!!

Sunday, March 27, 2011

The Place Where I Work: Near, Far, Wherever You Are....

It's funny how things sneak up on ya.
...tequila doesn't sneak up on ya. No it steps up to you and punches you in the face, which happened on Friday after a few margarita's with E, S&M and S&M's boyfriend. There may still be tequila in my system...waiting...waiting to sneak up and punch me in the face!

As the week began, there I was just minding my own business thinking of ways to NOT be at work yet get paid. All the while adjusting my attitude so that I wasn't walking around being a sourpuss. No one likes a sourpuss.
Then two things- well three things happened.
First, my contact at the agency I work for emails me about Buffalo. Seems she is from there and I went to school there. This was big for many reasons- great Buffalo nostalgia AND she has been sending out my resume. She tells me I should be hearing things by the end of this upcoming week.
Then the second thing happens. Ruddy Kors starts wooing me. Calm down-I have not grown a penis- he's been wooing me job wise. I think I've made it obvious that I don't want to stay there with the way things have been going...and if I just happen to walk out they would be screwed!
Anywho, so Ruddy Kors is telling me how great I am and I am just like whatever. The SECOND I get another job, I am the eff out of there. Just a breeze and a slight lingering of my perfume. Will be a wrap!
...and thirdly, while sitting and emailing about possible jobs and Buffalo, and avoid looking into Ruddy Kors devil orbs aka eyes...I felt the emptiness that Johnny Blue Eyes has left since he wasn't in all week. JBE is about as chill as a limoncello on a summer's day on the Amalfi Coast-but even he was like EFF.THIS.PLACE! Ruddy Kors is just a ruin-er of souls and spirits.
So, there I am going awww I haven't laughed in like 3 hours where is Johnny Blue Eyes?- and he wasn't there. No one to draw dick cartoons, no one to slow grind-basically awkward air sexing during inappropriate times...like when I am on the phone and shouldn't be laughing....
I relish my chats with E, but she lacks something called being a dude which would explain my...wait for it...crush on Johnny Blue Eyes. I was scribbling something on a post-it when I came to this epiphany, I then shrugged my shoulders and said: that explains a lot.

Now I'll have to make my own fun until I'm the eff outta there, as for matters of the heart....when I start writing poetry in Italian- worry.

Saturday, March 26, 2011

Good Things I Have Put In My Mouth Lately- The Legendary Roll n' Roaster pt 1

This is a part one because I will venture to Roll n' Roaster (Sheepshead Bay, Brooklyn) many times. R n' R is almost like a second home to me- almost because if it were really my second it would become my first since I wouldn't be able to walk and would need a crane to get around. It is one of the few places (in these times) that doesn't make you feel bad for wanting to eat simply delicious food that isn't good for you but is cooked SO WELL. They also offer to put cheez (how they spell their amazing melted sharp cheddar cheese)on anything you pleez!!!!
Growing up, I preferred going to R n' R rather than McDonalds- see I always value quality and R n'R is quality fast food. Fast food that really isn't fast at all-everything is made on the spot, as soon as you place your order.
They tried to bring the essence of R n' R to Manhattan- on 11th and 3rd Avenue. I never stepped into that place and pretty much cursed it. Said it would NEVER be the OG R n' R and it would FAIL!!!!!!!!!!!!! About a year later, I was proven right.
You see, R n' R isn't just about the amazing food, it is about the friggin' ESSENCE! It is an un-hipstered, un-"cool" place in Brooklyn where one doesn't go to put on airs. You go there to hang with your people, eat the french fries drenched in cheese, talk shit, laugh, possibly get hit on by dudes wearing velour tracksuits or women wearing heels and tons of Aquanet. They play blocks of classic music like the best of Tina Turner and Frank Sinatra.
It is a magical place. A safe haven. I went there last weekend with some peeps for like 3 hours enjoying dinner, dessert AND challenging games of Scramble on our iTouch's. It was a great night!!!
Viva la Roll n' Roaster!

This first pic is from last summer. Margo and I went to the beach and then strolled to R n' R. Their chocolate milkshakes- actually all their milkshakes- are the bomb diggity. Dude, I just said: the.bomb.diggity.

...because I am all icognegro, I have given myself pink cat-eye sunglasses and cat ears- my artistry is extraordinary!!

This was just MY meal. A cheeseburger with caramelized onions and pickle chips, cheese fries, and corn fritters- which I shared! I drank water because it is alllll about being balanced.

For dessert I had the apple pie a la mode with chocolate ice cream, my friend Maria had vanilla ice cream on her pie and her boyfriend Steve had a vanilla milkshake. Mmmmmmmm...just looking at these pictures makes me wanna go there now!

....excuse me, have to ...uh...go for a walk...yeah...

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Horoscope- week of 3/22/11

Freewill Astrology
From an astrological point of view, it's a favorable time for people to give you gifts and perks and blessings. You have my permission to convey that message to your friends and associates. Let them know it's in their interest to be generous toward you. The truth, as I see it, is that they will attract rewards for themselves, some unexpected, if they help you. So what's your role in this dynamic? Be modest. Be grateful. Be gracious. At the same time, rake it all in with supreme confidence that you deserve such an outpouring.

Basically, love me and it will make life better for you. .....and I like my gifts either edible, nerd approved or Chanel.

Monday, March 21, 2011

Good Things I Have Put In My Mouth Lately- Tex Mex Styles

Being a simple lady, to unwind I don't need to go to spas or do yoga- I just need some great peeps, a lil booze and some good eatin'.
On a hump day, a Wednesday, I met up with B and Jesse for some delish Tex Mex at Lobo (Court Street, Brooklyn).
As soon as I walked in our waiter "Shelly"- he said he and his peeps call each other that and eventually he called me "Shelly" because we just clicked. I walked in and we played who can out bitch each other...there was a draw.
Lobo is known for their margaritas, but being allergic to orange(s) juice kept me from being able to taste these delicious latin elixirs made with fresh juices. Didn't stop B and Jesse who enjoyed them IMMENSELY!
I had a texas tea- sweet tea with vodka and it was daaaaaaamn good!

The texas teas- yes teas because I had DOS- went down so smooth and delicious. I told our waiter "Shelly" that if I had one more of them I'd be on the table dancing like Ciara with my dress off. He said he'd dance backup for me- BESTIE!

Since B frequents Lobo, she suggested the queso con carne to start with. All I heard was 'queso' and I was down.

B was right! That ish was delicious...and their salsa was amazing- smokey flavored and hearty.
Admittedly, the menu overwhelmed me. I wanted EVERYTHING! After going on and on about not knowing what to get "Shelly" suggested chicken enchiladas with a garlic mole sauce!

Let me tell you something- if you were to put that sauce on a shoe, grilled rat, Usher's penis...I would EAT IT!! I would ice that shit and sip it like a latte.
Jesse got the skirt steak with a side of collards and corn. I am guessing from her silence and clean plate- that was some good eating.

B got something called a 'sassy mama'- basically a chicken enchilada...I think. Again, from her silence and cleaned plate- that ish was good! I think both of their silence had to do with my yammering on and whining about the Janet Jackson concert that I not only didn't know about, but wasn't going to. "Shelly", like any bestie of mine, took the opportunity to rub it in that he was going....

Mmmm...dessert was another drink because sometimes that is what's needed. Sometimes it's chocolate, other times it's vodka.

I've walked by Lobo, heard about Lobo and now I have experienced it. Laid back, good eatin', good drankin'...um weird bathrooms where I drunkenly stumbled upon a dude peeing. No pics of that.
Go to Lobo if you like chill places where they make douchebags sit at a bad table just cuz-or it could've been our waiter "Shelly" who had no time for the assholes.

Sunday, March 20, 2011

The Time I Went To See Beastly

So yeah, Brooklyn Kat and I decided to go see the movie Beastly. I know, I know we were looking to WASTE 13bucks...also nothing comforts a hormonal woman like a horrible script, predictable plot and Mary -Kate Olsen's duck face.
I have to say I was unaware that MK was even IN the film till she appeared on camera. Then my first thought was if they put heels on a tampon with ridiculous eye makeup- that would probably act better than she did.
As much as I hated on her skillz, in the end, she came through and proved to be the best part about the movie.
Another great part had NOTHING to do with the movie. It was when I went to the concession stand for dinner AKA movie eats which consisted of: pretzel bites with cheese and Nestle Crunch Dibs. Dinner of champions!!
The 2 concession workers reminded me of Cologino (character in A Bronx Tale AKA one of my most favorite movies ever) and Carlton Banks (Fresh Prince of Bel Air). Carlton was new and nervous. Cologino was seasoned and showing Carlton the ropes. Cologino was the one that jokingly told me they were out of pretzel bites. I believe I scared him with my rage causing him to tell me to calm down and that it was a joke. He then offered me some Dibs. I apologized and took them and tried to explain that it wasn't him or his BAD joke, that it was totally me being an asshat. He liked that I apologized. Then Carlton apologized for being seemingly retarded- seemed he was messing up. I told him not to be too hard on himself and that most people don't apologize for that. Cologino got my subtle joke and told me he liked me. Asked if I wanted anything else- with a wink. WOW- I still gots it.
...but I didn't have 50bucks (movie prices) to spend and just took my Dibs and pretzels. Cologino asked again..with a more earnest wink- remember I have NO IDEA when the cock is being put on the menu- and I got all bashful (I know) and went into the movie theater.
See, I talk soooooooooooooooooo much shit and when it comes around to bite me in the ass...I bitch.up. *sigh*
Anywho, so the movie. Basically it was a longer episode of Gossip Girl. It had nothing that held me- I mean Vanessa Hudgens annoys me AND all I could think about when I saw her face were her nude pics. The lead guy...he wasn't hot so...yeah. Oh, but Neil Patrick Harris was in it and I LOVE HIM...basically NPH needed a paycheck....and he was Barney (How I Met Your Mother), but blind.
Um...so yeah this film was about how being superficial is wrong and not being superficial is right. Also, if they say someone is a witch (MK Olsen) then BELIEVE THEM!!!
Bored, I started thinking about the Usher sex tape. Not too much because I didn't want to throw up while sewing up my vagina using butchers twine and a rusty needle.
Then something happened that tugged at my heart strings- I am a SAP! After punking out, I comfort myself with Dibs.
Then the movie ends and I am like- really...that was supposed to be New York City?!
Oh, but MK shows up in the movie at the end with a top hat-she won and made the movie for me!

If you want to contemplate sex tapes you have NO INTEREST in seeing, then go see Beastly!

The Place Where I Work: The Buildup


- Text from E saying she is sick and not coming in. Today is going to suck. Not just suck but be immensely evilly horrific.

- Day is probably worse than I thought.

- Decide to read at lunch, but mostly I stare out the window and wonder where I went wrong.

- At one point I am at my desk with my head in my hands, Johnny Blue Eyes places a paper on my desk. I think it's love letter written in Italian- I was wrong. It is a cartoon involving Ruddy Kors and a cake of dicks. I laugh hysterically and realize that with a lil breathing and levity, not everyone has to die.


- E makes it in. I feel bad for sending her 'death threat' emails because she really was sick and didn't need that noise.

- The day is a little better and I look forward to meeting up with the Grub + Tug Supper Club. We did Turkish food this time and it was DELISH!


- I start outlining more writing ideas and then realize I cannot write. Feeling really angst-y and then receive info about a job in Seattle. Hmmm?

- Do I wanna start a job process all over again, I think I am at my wits end with this job. I just know that mostly patients are annoying and if I have one more woman talk to me about her dry vag I am going to douse myself in lube and slide down 5th avenue.

- Looking forward to dinner with B and Jesse! Not just good food n' drink, but the hilarity makes me feel better.


- St. Patty's Day and I am sober.

- During a very rare slow moment I contemplate how horrible a person Ruddy Kors is. Like he isn't just a bitchy lecherous gay, he is just a HORRIBLE person.

- A nice lunch in the park with E and Johnny Blue Eyes. We watch children play and I feel better about the world. Then we see 2 fights (remember St. Patty's Day) and I am like: survival of the fittest, take each other out and leave room for the people who act less like douchebag-assholes.

- Looking forward to a movie with Brooklyn Kat- I focus on that to get through the afternoon hours.


- Friday- funny enough, it's the first time I find out about that Rebecca Black chick. I have no time for that shit. Johnny Blue Eyes tried to show me her video and I promptly told him I had no time for that shit. I then feel bad. He and E have felt the brunt of my snippiness- and not just from my hormonal rages- they say you hurt the ones you like the most. I realize I don't like being like this and it may be time to move on. Though the thought of a stable job is lovely, I don't like acting like an asshole (all the time) because it's hard coping.

- Ruddy Kors pisses me off royally so I chat with my agency about getting something else, SOONER rather than later.

- It is a 70degree day in New York City- I almost forget with all the work fisting going on.

- It'll be sad not to hang with E and Johnny Blue eyes- though I am sure they will not miss me and my bitchery, but unless Ruddy Kors drowns in a jacuzzi full of dicks or SOMETHING changes, I am out like my titties on a Saturday night- back in the day when I was into that sort of thing.

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Good Things I Have Put In My Mouth Lately- The Part of BK Walking Snacking Tour

Some of the best laid plans are ones that haven't...been...laid. Hmm.
Anyways, I was sleeping in yesterday when my friend LBee text me and asked what I was up to. Since I learned you can't ALWAYS be honest and say: about to wipe this drool off my face and contemplate going back to sleep.
Instead I said that I wasn't up to much but had to get dressed. This gave me time to wipe drool AND still seem like I may have had plans to do more with my day than just sleep, eat, watch Bones on Hulu and then maybe get some laundry in.

After some AMAZING (sarcasm)train travel, I meet up with LBee on Fulton Street in good ole BROOKLYN. We both had the same moment of: wow, why don't I ever come around here and shop more often...then walking a block and realizing why...then laughing at the newly placed White (pioneers) people walking about on Fulton.
We decided to stroll through a small farmers market and head to DUMBO where we would walk about and then start our BK WALKING SNACKING TOUR-Early Spring Edition. One of the reasons LBee and I are cool peeps is because she believes that you gather with your peeps and you have laughs n' shit...but you ALSO EAT. Eating is essential.
I thought about stopping at Starbucks and grabbing a smoothie or something, but then decided we should just get to eating...so we did.

We started at a sushi spot right next to the Starbucks-right off Front Street I believe it's called Miso Sushi (I think that's what it's called-I AM AN AWESOME BLOGGER).
Here we ordered a signature roll by them called the Splendid Roll and it was...splendid. Great texture. Crunchy carrots, asparagus, tempura flakes, sesame seeds and then soft avocado. All deliciousness!

Next up was the seaweed salad. As we were KILLING IT, I realized I should probably take a pic of this. Needless to say...it was very good!

To add a lil warmth in a non-sake way, we had some veggie spring rolls. The dipping sauce was perfectly sweet and spicy. Crunchy deliciousness again!

Now good consistent eating and walking throughout the day is about balance. So we had to decide to how balance out this healthy meal-ICE CREAM. We were very close to the BK Ice Cream Factory...but we had to walk by the Jacques Torres chocolate shop...and that is when I saw and SMELLED the Wicked Hot Cocoa (basically Mexican hot chocolate) and HAD TO HAVE IT. Though some would call it bitching out on some ice cream, yo! I was a lil chilled.

LBee being NOT bitch made (like myself) went for it! She got herself a butter pecan ice cream cone from the BK Ice Cream Factory!

After checking out various furniture stores and seeing how the area has completely changed-including this indoor mall that was filled with uppity Black people selling jewelry and giving dudes Will.I.Am haircuts!! We didn't stay there too long.
LBee mentioned wanting a hot toddy. Since we wanted to keep it Brooklyn AND combine a nice combo of food n' drink, I mentioned Sidecar (Park Slope), a great spot my friends husband and his brother own. The food and drink are always ON POINT! LBee was down, but first we stopped by Floyd (Atlantic Avenue) (they have a bocce ball court!) to pick up Ms. AssShadows- okay to understand her incognito name you must understand the story. For some reason we were talking about ass hole bleaching and Ms. AssShadows mentioned that if you can even SEE the ass hole-if your ass doesn't make a shadow- then you need to eat more!
Being that we are women that make ass shadows- we agreed.
Ms. AssShadows was DOWN with some Sidecar action, so we rolled there-cuz Ms. AssShadows has wheels-thus cutting out the walking part of the tour. We did continue with the eating part though.

Sidecar was the PERFECT cap off to our perfect day- it's cozy, has a waiter who's a South African trapeze artist (who has thankfully forgotten our first encounter when I sexually harassed him throughout my meal) and just a good vibe.

We started with cocktails.

Starting from left to right: LBee got a glass of Sarancha- a red wine I am guessing from the color ;P, I got a Sticky Fingers-has Brugal rum, ginger wine...ginger soda I think...it is just DELICIOUSNESS!! and Ms. Ass Shadows got an Old Cuban- rum, fresh mint...and something else- again it was DELISH. She calls it her summertime DRANK (since she frequents Sidecar as well).
Next up was the White Bean Dip (sans bacon) appetizer. Mmmm mmmm!

Then came our entrees. This is when it was proven why LBee and Ms. AssShadows have flatter stomachs than I. They shared the Sidecar Salad (which has beets,cheese and goodness!) and fries (which are out of this world!). While I had the Moulles et Frites avec Chorizo all to myself!!

Finally for dessert, though we REALLY wanted the Caramel Bourbon Bread Pudding, we wound up getting the Apple Cobbler. They RAN OUT of the bread pudding- and believe me the cobbler was DELISH, but we had been talking up the pudding. I don't even LIKE bread pudding, but I eat that ish! Our cute attentive waiter told us that the kitchen was REAL busy- which we could see since we were sitting at the bar. He said it could take two hours at least- if at all. We looked at each other and said with another drink and good conversation we could wait.
Black Diamond- the waiters name, though he is neither Black nor clear (it is a reference to the movie)- tried to keep the hope alive for us but then let us know that there was gonna be NO BREAD PUDDING TONIGHT!!! We humbly accepted our defeat...and ate the cobbler with the homemade whipped cream. MMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!

All in all, it was a great day and good times. Also, on an obvious note, you can see I GOT A NEW CAMERA! Woot! Winning!

The Place Where I Work: Another Bad Romance

At this point, like some reality TV show where a bunch of schmucks eat grain and snakes for a week on some deserted island for a chance to win 1 million dollars, I have survived another week of work and haven't been told to not come back. Good for my pockets, but I don't know how my psyche is doing.
It's just that I am so tired sometimes I am unable to write- as you (three) have probably noticed on my blog. My manuscript is suffering- and mostly, when I am unable to write and share my senseless ramblings it makes me sad.
This is why i just don't know about this job. Like I don't hate it- it has its moments- but mostly it is challenging and the work day goes by quickly. Also, the people help. Well we know I am always 10 seconds from throwing Ruddy Kors into traffic, but mostly everyone is cool. Bearable. Not likely to be thrown from a window. The patients on the other hand...some of them chance having their jugular punctured with a plastic knife-because that is all that is handy in the kitchen and in the Cafe Metro downstairs.
While on the train one day I found myself making excuses for why I continue to go back. Kinda like someone in a bad relationship. I keep saying- well if they hire me and the money is legit, then I'll stay and it will get better...or I'll write my book and then bounce....or it'll be worth it in the end. I find a way to cope with bad behavior and un-orchestrated chaos because this is just the way it is and when I look at the clock it is almost time to go home. When I try to reason my way out of writing- by making it my fault and me just not putting in enough effort or needing to cut out another hour of sleep.
I sound just like person who is trying to explain why their significant other is an asshole and if you just gave them chance you would see that they are not ALWAYS like this it's just they are tired/drunk/out of work/lost their favorite thing/change of seasons/didn't have coffee/etc.

Just sounds like a truckload of bullshit really, BUT in these tough economic times and my need for fluffy coffee drinks, brunches and laptops- I will bite the bullet (if the money is right) and have these means justify my ends.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Good Things I Have Put In My Mouth Lately- Part 1

Calm down. You will not be visually entertained with various cocks!
No, instead you will see some AMAZING things I've been eating lately. Not often enough because it is not yet time for me to be bedridden on a 38,000 calorie a day diet.

Let's start with this brussel sprout, bacon and onion pizza I had at the oscar party I went to. I still dream about this pizza and I am glad I don't recall where it was made because I would wake up from blacking out covered in blood and surrounded by pizza boxes. I think the blood would be from people trying to stop me from eating the pizza...but what do I know? I've blacked out.
This shall be eaten again...but in the near distant future so that it will still be a treat and I won't start killing peeps.

Next we have le pain perdu aka one of the best french toasts I have put in my mouth EVER! I had this at Landmarc Tribeca (yes, I am REAL fancy, huh). My friend Moo told me of this french toast that looked like a steak and was almost the size of the plate. There was silence and then I looked into her eyes deeply and said: I must eat this, soon!
She agreed and so she, Margo and I made it happen. Normally when something is so good I finish it and yearn for more-basically eating it till I hurt. This le pain perdu WON. It owned me. It bent me over with no lube and no love. I ate a great a deal BUT COULD NOT FINISH THIS DELICIOUS THICK CUT BREAD DIPPED IN EGG INFUSED WITH VANILLA AND THEN SEARED IN A PAN WITH BUTTER AND THEN PUT ON MY PLATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
We will battle again...and I will.be.ready!

Lastly, call it straight je ne se quois, but I've been about cheese. Cheese and either pita chips or gluten free brown rice chips- because I am healthy, yo. My thinking is that French women eat a lot of cheese (supposedly) and they aren't known for being obese like we Americans.
I dunno. It just tastes good and is a feel good snack. I also pretend to smoke cigarettes and speak like 'Amelie'.

Looking forward to MORE delicious things to put in my mouth!!

Saturday, March 5, 2011

The Place Where I Work: DisBanded

Oh man. What a fuckin' week!!
Started off with the usual insanity and then it got totally 'Sheen'd out' in that bitch. Meaning shit got crazy-but not in a winning way...kinda like Charlie Sheen himself. I mean, is he really winning?
Anyways, I digress.
The Band of Temps was once 3 and a half- the half being Johnny Blue Eyes because he isn't vetted, meaning he hasn't been there for a lil over a month like the rest of us. Now we are just 2 and half!! Just me and E. S&M (only cuz those are her initials and it works), was suddenly let go! Since it is a small office this means the peeps that are left are doing like 3 peoples jobs. INSANITY.
I let them know I will not be driven crazy and almost walked out on Thursday. Just grab my coat and go. I can do that too because I am A TEMP!
*sigh* E, Johnny Blue Eyes and I are sad and most likely are going to ban together to poison Ruddy Kors who always walks the fine line of being amusing and then just being an asshole just full of hot air...basically he is a...fart.
Wow, that was GENIUS!!!
Ruddy Kors is pretty much the worst and we'll see how long it takes for him to be found face down in a steaming bowl of dicks AKA his dream death.

**Sidebar** If anything were to happen to him, I hope Benson, Stabler, Munch and Finn don't use this as evidence. I hope they realize that I talk a lot of shit and don't have a murderous bone in me unless it's around that time of month OR I am REALLY hungry.
**Sidebar out**

Dear Ice T: Formal Wear

Beesus Asks:

Dear Ice,

Since I've been invited to a formal dress party in Williamsburg. Now I know I'll hafta be hella drunk before I even step outta the door, so what sort of outfit should I don? Slut it up or keep it safe?


Ice T Says:
What up, B? Any occasion to put on your fineries AND be drunk is a good thing. Since you'll be in Williamsburg-from what I hear from T- you can wear a thong and baseball jacket, and still be considered legit.
Since you know what it is-wear what you want, what the fuck I look like? Lagerfeld? Wear clothes...slutty is a pipe laying guarantee though.
If you happen to meet a dude, share your flask if you want- and it won't matter what the fuck you're wearing...if he's straight. Keep it safe...wrap it up!