Friday, March 29, 2013

You Don't Know My Life: Walking Scandal!

Welcome to a new chapter I am adding to the Chronicles titled: You Don't Know My Life.  This will be where I write about various TV programs I watch.  I just have so much to say that cannot be captured on Twitter (follow me @ChronofCashmere).

I am not going to make this first time gentle, I am going to go ALL THE WAY IN by starting with the 2 shows I stop my life for: Walking Dead and Scandal.
If you haven't heard of these shows, stop reading this and go down a bottle of Clorox because you haven't been living anyway!
Exciting times are a-brewing because this Sunday is the Walking Dead season 3 finale and...well...Scandal is ALWAYS exciting.  Seriously, that show is intense!

After season 2 of Walking Dead basically putting everyone to sleep...except when we woke up two times- once when Rick shot Carol aka Activia's (my friends and I call her this because she looks like Jamie Lee Curtis...and JLC does them commercials) zombie daughter and the other time when Shane aka #22 aka my BOO was killed.  Oh shit...and when Dale died.  That was sad.  Overall though, season 2 was a sleeper.  Then season 3 came in and we were getting somewhere.  I mean they introduced my favorite-Michonne- and an interesting bad guy-The Governor.  He's interesting because he isn't powerful or smart really, just human, resourceful and calculating. He is also a sociopath.  Needless to say, he scares me more than any zombie.  Which is a common show theme- in a world filled with once living humans who want to eat you, your biggest enemy could be the living humans.
In any case, this season has been awesome.  My favorite episode was 'Clear' when Morgan reappears.  That was just...I mean the writing...and the acting...and the growth. It was all too, too much.
...but alas, all good things must come to an end.  As I am excited to see how The Governor will be killed...and hopefully Andrea will die...and maybe Daryl will cry again (Daryl crying broke my cold cold black heart!)- I tell you one thing, if they do something cornball where I have to see Glen and Maggie get married in a gazebo made out of zombie bones, I will not.be.pleased!

SIDEBAR: I should also say my TV rundown will have plentiful spoilers because I am the person who stopped watching Gossip Girl after season 1 or 2 and then just read online who Gossip Girl was, and it was just as I suspected- MAD CORNY YO! So, SPOILERS ALL DAY cuz who cares?!

I want Rick to find love with Michonne because as we have learned from Scandal, there is something 'magical' and passionate betweenst a Black womans thighs. 
Am just hoping the season ends with a BANG (of some sort) because it has been such a great season!!  Kudos Walking Dead!!

Now Scandal is just like a pint of some of that good good ice cream (that I used to eat but now I occasionally have some coconut milk ice cream)-no death and end of the world shit, but a lot of end of the world possibilities mixed in with some sex n' shit.
Season 2 has been just....AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.  Season 1 was awesome and now it just keeps getting better.  I live for Olivia Pope and her outfits and the way Fitz looks at her.  I mean, if a man looked me like that...I would definitely pull some Janet Jackson circa 'anytime, anyplace' scenarios.  Now Fitz is all hurt up and killin' people and not knowing who to trust.  I wanna shake him...then wrap my legs around his waist and proceed with the bump n' grind.  Then I would run n' tell Harrison what I did, and then do the same damn thing with him.  What I'm saying is, I would be a big ole slut on Capitol Hill.
There is even a Black baby this season.  You know the world of White people is made better when they let a Black baby into their lives- perhaps if Mellie birthed one, Fitz wouldn't be a mean drunk-BUT last night, did you see her go IN on him.  I did a slow clap.
Now Noel aka character from Felicity who will forever be called Noel by me but on the show is called Jake-Noel came on the scene and I didn't trust him.  There was something about how he is Fitz's boy, but has the audacity to go for 'Liv!  I get it, she is AMAZINGLY GORGEOUS, BUT Fitz is your dude.  Noel obviously knows whats up between Fitz n' Olivia.  So I knew he was bad news when he was secretly going for it with Olivia.  Then I was proven right at the end of last nights episode when we learned he may be THE MOLE and set all kinds of shit up. AHHHHHHHH.
I don't even wanna think about the Scandal season finale...I may have a heart attack!

Also, I feel like 'Liv maybe needs to date an Asian dude...or a guy from Uruguay-I mean eventually end up with Fitz- but she needs to leave the White men alone for now.  You can't replace Fitz with Noel.  You either have a Fitz or a Detective Stephen Holder (from The Killing) aka a different kind of White dude.  Same, same doesn't work for her.  Like the Black dude she was with, was basically Black Fitz and it didn't work because White Fitz was putting.it.DOWN.
Soooo 'Liv needs to take a break from maybe all the dicks...but especially the White ones until Fitz goes back in for the WIN.
Scandal,  I'll be watching you!

Now I know you are so excited to read the rest of my  TV meanderings because this shit is  written gold!

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

The MTV VMA's Are Coming to Brooklyn-What Does This MEAN?

This summer the clusterfuck of talentless schmucks and people who maybe have some talent but are real lazy AKA the MTV Video Music Awards are coming to the Barclays Center!
I am just itchy with emotions (allergies) and to help get my mind right-and in turn getting your mind right- I have decided to put together a bullet list of what this all means.

  • that whole Atlantic Avenue area...pretty much Brooklyn as a WHOLE is FUCKED.
  • perhaps I wouldn't be all doom & gloom if I was guaranteed to bump into Robin Thicke on 5th avenue by the Chocolate Room and he suddenly leaves his gorgeous wife and wants to just sit n' watch me eat mint chip ice cream.  He then wants to reenact this in the nude at whatever new hotel appears downtown Brooklyn that he is staying at.
  • will the trains stop running?  I mean, A LOT of trains run through that area.  someone may get notions to send an N train filled with sticks of dynamite (a la V for Vendetta) to eliminate a lot of the sludge of the Earth...or just Ke$ha.  if this happens, remember I am writing about HYPOTHETICAL situations.  except for whatever goes down with Mr. Thicke.  I want that to happen.
  • along with the 2 Nets t-shirts they have hanging in the arena (because the Nets have NO CHAMPIONSHIPS...well not since like 1975), they have a Jay-Z throwback he lent them from his closet- will they now hang the skin that Willow n' Jaden Smith shed every year with: MTV VMA's 2013 written on it?
  • I have another scenario in my mind where I am in the PathMark (supermarket) across from the Barclays and Frank Ocean is in there pensively staring the produce, he is thinking about making a smoothie.  I notice him because of his bandana and the 2 penises hanging out of his mouth.  He looks at me and says that though we are both on this PathMark plain of corporate realness, he sees beyond my need for sparkling waters and bacon.  he sees the real me.  we go eat sushi and try to pick up boys at a few area bars.  when I text him the next day, he says he has no idea who I am and that he thought he was hanging with Phylicia Rashad (aka Claire Huxtable).
  • for those who have no idea what this area of Brooklyn I am speaking of.  you have no idea what New York City is or what a borough is.  I drew a map of Brooklyn (see above).  thank me with 'devils on horseback' and patron margaritas.  notice I drew in the desirable areas close to the Baclays Center-making reference to Park Slope by drawing 2 silver haired lesbians and their dog and drawing a djembe drum to rep Fort Greene.  there is also a nod to the ton of gentrification that is happening allowing BK to be 'the new Manhattan' and the unsavory areas that still exist filled with undesirable ethnics and have no Starbucks.  I am sure everyone is amazed at how I didn't become an urban planner or at least a map drawer...is that what they're called?
  • how many Rihanna was at this weed spot or that corner of Flatbush sitings?  I am going to start with 10.
  • if we thought Habana Outpost was filled to the nipples with cous cous eating, crochet short wearing asshats...just imagine what it will be like when Solange Knowles sets up a jam session residency the week of the award show.  expect Macklemore to do spoken word.  Beyonce cornrowing Blue Ivy's hair in the corner while JiggaToe is having a taco eating contest with Justin Timberlake.  just don't expect to get in that spot AT ALL.
  • I hope I am at Targets and run into Kendrick Lamar trying to decide between buying a video game or a reasonably priced watch.  we get to discussing why he feels the need to do a collabo with just anyone.  he helps me pick out some shoes and shorts. we stroll through Prospect Park and then he drops me back off at Robin Thicke's hotel room for sexy times.
  • the one thing that is for certain having the award show in Brooklyn will definitely have me watching the hot mess.  that is a plus for MTV. a minus for my life though.

Thursday, March 14, 2013

The Place Where I Work: Body Party

For some reason I have decided that I want to incorporate the phrase 'body party' into a lot of my conversations.
'Body Party' would be Ciara's new single.  It will probably flop like the rest, but I will love it anyways.

I have started taking advantage of my free use of the gym at work.  It is not Equinox, but it's no Lucille Roberts either!  I get in, I watch HGTV, I sweat (a lil) and I go.  It's great.  I am just so proud that I actually go...because we know me...and I like to eat, but I don't wanna be rotund either...and I don't wanna have to diet or workout- BUT I do...but I don't wanna.  I am not one of these people who pretends that shit is awesome. It isn't.
Anywho, somehow a memo must've been sent out that I use the gym and now all these characters AKA dudes I work with just started popping up.
First there was Telemundo/Telenovela- remember him?  I had so much lust for him which grew to nothing and now is back to love...brotherly love.  Seriously, he is like a bro.  Sure he's attractive AND STILL MARRIED, but he and I get along like bro's.  We rag on each other, we cheer each other on, he motivates me to go to the gym and eat healthy AND THEN when he sees me at the gym, proceeds to make fun of me mercilessly.  It is an awesome relationship! 
He still growls and is intense, but with me he knows he just has to laugh it off and get over it-hence, why we're bro's!  If someone would've told me months ago that I would not long to slide down his man shaft and ride off into an orgasmic sunset....I would've scoffed and said: bitch you straight buggin'.
Telenovela/Telemundo is invited to my body party, but only to bring snacks.

Of course to ruin the good moments, there always has to be the creeper dude.  I'll call him CreepyPapi.  This dude irks me on the regs!  He eyes me like a juicy piece of roast fresh out the oven.  Then he pops up at the gym and continues being creepy and calls me: baby.  UGH.
He gets the cold shoulder and one word responses if I have to speak with him.  I know that if we weren't in the confines of work, he is just a walking, talking Law & Order: SVU episode waiting to happen.
CreepyPapi is NOT invited to my body party, in fact his picture will be posted saying that he should stay about 1,000ft away from my body party!!!

Lastly, there is DesignerDude.  Now DesignerDude and I have no kind of relationship.  We just say 'hi' and 'bye'.  He is massively awkward...like really.  I thought he was snobby, but I just see that he is SO AWKWARD!!!!  DD is mannerable, nice, and seemingly smart...just....awkward.  He would have killer eyes (as in stab you a few times and stuff you in a steel drum), but his awkward some how balances them out.
Normally I would not give any fucks about him, and I barely do now, but he intrigues me for some reason.  He also saw me all decked out in my gym gear and RAN HOME TO GET HIS GYM GEAR TO COME BACK AND WORKOUT.  I have no idea what to make of this because he hasn't been back since....maybe because by the time he came back, I was delirious and leaving the gym, barely able to comprehend walking much less say anything to him.
The next day in the office, he was extra awkward and turning red when speaking to me- now when we speak on the  phone, he is fine.  He is able to say sentences and say my name. 
DesignerDude is invited to my body party, but I feel it would just be us bopping our heads along to music...and not BUMPING along to the beat.

Tuesday, March 12, 2013

Good Things I Have Put In My Mouth Lately: Devilish Bites

As we know I am a nerd and part of a book club.  When we meet to discuss, we try to find a place that correlates with the book.  We read The Alienist by Caleb Carr (highly recommended), the story takes place in New York City in the 1880's- now Delmonico's figures prominently in the book, but that place is like 1,000 bucks a plate!
Bitches be broke.
We wound up at Freeman's Restaurant (Lower East Side) which the building seems pretty old, and Freeman's Alley is way old, so...
Though it is a hipster haven/cool peeps hangout/ celeb spot- I enjoyed decor and MORE IMPORTANTLY the food!

The one thing that stuck out in my mind because I've always wanted to try and FINALLY did, was 'devils on horseback'!! (see below)


Sorry the pic doesn't do them justice, but I suggest going there and trying them AND then  worrying about some pics!
Devils On Horseback are prunes stuffed with blue cheese and wrapped in bacon.  It's like a sweet, sweet (fantasy) & savory candy.  You just pop them in your mouth and enjoy the textures...and tastes....

If I was given a box of these instead of chocolates, I would be ELATED.