Monday, December 23, 2013

You Were Driving That Car In Brooklyn....

This weekend I may have come in contact with my soulmate!
Dig if you will this picture of me walking down 5th Avenue in Park Slope with a few of my friends.  As I stand at the curb about to cross the street, I notice a dude sitting alone in his black sedan-like car staring at me.  I get 'Brooklyn ready'- meaning I ready myself for a: drive-by shooting, drive-by raping, drive-by decapitation, etc.
It takes a while for me to register that dude is blasting.  I mean BLASTING *Nsync's 'It's Gonna Be Me'!  My mouth drops and I tell anyone who can hear me- mostly my friends and random people walking down the street- that I have met my SOULMATE.  I then proceed to follow the car...which has thankfully been stopped by a red light.  When I catch up to the car, I find the guy singing along...still by himself...still blasting *Nsync!
I am smitten.
Then his car continues driving and I am not about that chasing cars life.  I also don't feel the need to go on Craigslist 'missed connections' to get some dude writing me who wants to make a tracksuit out of my flesh.

For now, we'll always have those few stolen moments when I thought he was going to kill me, but then realized that he was blasting *Nsync so he HAD to be my soulmate!  We'll always have Park Slope, Brooklyn.  We'll always have *Nsync.

Thursday, December 5, 2013

The Place Where I Work: No Desk Sex!

Ah, to be humbled.
So the place where I am working now is going well so far- I already have an office crush AND I don't want to punch anyone repeatedly.  Yay.
Sadly though, my office crush and any other dude in this office is not gonna wanna dip their manhood into my feminine depths any time soon because of my company introduction.  There was an email sent out yesterday just talking about who I am and what I will be doing here-basically it read:

This is Honey T, queen of all things and master n' commander of your sexual fantasies...but in a corporate professional way.

BUT THEN they had to add a picture.
I was approached about taking a picture yesterday and promptly said: nope.  My hair was done enough for work but not for memories.  My outfit and makeup were good enough to be seen....but again, not for a company wide email!!
To compromise, I was told I could send a pic...but when I did I was told it wasn't the right type of pic- i.e. bland corporate head shot that does not allow for my 'Mariah Carey' angles or good lighting.  Needless to say I was peeved.  Peeved and having to take a pic with my hair and my outfit.
Then I see the email...with the picture...and I am just humbled by my homeliness.  Then I am saddened by the fact that no one will be having any sexual fantasies about me or will try to get fresh at the holiday party in two weeks.
My office crush will be all prepared to touch himself...and then open that email, see that picture and lose his erection...and lose his will to come into work anymore.

You may be thinking I am doing my usual overreacting/over thinking, but today people have been coming up to me and saying: you are much better looking in person.

Case closed.

Cheers to no desk sex in 2014!!

Wednesday, December 4, 2013

The Bone List: Dead Sexy

With the recent death of Paul Walker, I have decided to create a Bone List that involves dead men I would totally bone...when/if they were alive.  Paul would've been on my Bone List anyways, but his untimely death has inspired this list of doable spirit men.
Being respectful of the dead is a priority with me as I don't want to be haunted so there will be no help from Paula Deen or Robin Thicke to create Ghost-like moments to enhance the mood.  #Respect

Lemme start with Paul Walker....

He was always on my radar even though I only saw like one Fast and Furious movie AND I am not into blond hair and blue eyes aka that Aryan whitey-white look.  There was just something about his face though.  I also enjoyed that you would only hear about him when his movies came out, he was never out in the club snortin' coke off a Kardashian's labia or anything.  Being a fairly private person myself, I appreciated that.
...also, let's face it- dude was DREAMY.  He just reminded me of a warm Cali sunset.  Just sitting on a beach blanket sipping coconut water and talking about dolphins...that is what he makes me feel like!
Paul wasn't someone I 'sweated' on the regs but I always enjoyed him...and always enjoyed looking at him.  #RIP

Next up on this sexy souuuuulll train (literally) is Tupac....

Er'body needs a lil intelligent thug in their life and Tupac was mine.  He was charming, smart, rude, funny and one of the few actor/rappers that didn't annoy me!  He made me feel like I could sip some type of liquor from a paper bag while he read Keats to me.  I loved that he was a trouble maker and hate that he was killed by Diddy...or Suge Knight.

Um, THIS Michael Jackson....

Sure, when he was this MJ I was too young to think up sexual fantasies, but BOY did I have a crush on him.  He was about 1 or 2 nose jobs in, just had the embarrassing jherri curl and had the beautiful skin tone.  I had his stickers all on my notebooks.  I thought we could hold hands and just sip milkshakes or something...maybe throw in a Super Mario game.  A little Honey T had dreams, yo!

Finally...Mr. Paul Newman...

Granted, I only saw older Paul Newman in my youth, but I always had a thing for him.  Something deep and soulful in them eyes.  I loved how much he loved his wife and his salad dressings are legit.  He just seemed like a real stand-up guy that would make a pleasant lover if he wasn't married and I was old enough for those types of things.

*Le sigh* This list just made me and my loins really sad.

Tuesday, December 3, 2013

You Don't Know My Life: So Many Questions

*Sorry for the delay but with the holiday and just a lot on my mind lately*

Oh Scandal, you intense bitch!
Where to begin...there is just too too much!
FIRST, let's start with everyone's fave- #MamaPope.  Now, I had a feeling she was alive through 'Livs interrogation of Fitz-well she just kept repeating that question about him shooting down a plane...but mostly I was noticing her hair (Olivia's).  I haven't been feeling it too tough lately- her clothes are always perfection- but the hair is 'meh'.
Then we find out #MamaPope has been kept in this prison-type situation for over 20 years and of course Master of Everything (Evil) aka Eli Pope (Olivia's dad) has everything to do with it.  Just have so many questions-

1. Why?
2. No really, why are we locking moms away...and now 20 years later she's all 'I needs to see my daughter'?
3. Was she drugged?  If so, who kept with her hair appointments?  Or is that a wig?
4. Like why does anything evil have to do with either Cyrus or Eli Pope??!!

...and then, and then WHY is Quinn so fuckin' stupid? Like what did Olivia see in her to make her a 'gladiator'??  I am besides myself with happiness that Huck is going to drill her up/torture her!  Huck has had NO TIME for her and I am with him- I would totally hang with Huck and his weird ass because he keeps it simple AND loyal.  There is no room for the BS because he is just trying to cope and not kill bitches.  I respect that.
I am also supposed to respect Mellie because of the whole her dad-in-law raping her and impregnating her, and yes it gave me insight to her insanity, but I still love the whole Olivia/Fitz thing...even  if Fitz makes me want to punch him repeatedly at times.  Then he does something manly and I am like 'ohhhhh Fitz'.  The actress that plays Mellie-Bellamy Young I believe- really is magnificent though because sometimes I am so Team Mellie....but that doesn't mean I want her with Fitz. Ha!

The whole Cyrus and Mellie thing makes me giddy.  They are perfectly evil and everything bites them in the ass which is satisfying- like Cy's hubby boning Sally Langston's hubby out of SPITE was fantastic and deserved!  Old Cy had the nerve to CRY.
Can't wait to see his back story too!

There has just been so much.  So much intensity, yet things are tying together...I am gonna need Noel (Jake) to go somewhere.  He means well, but he needs to get a life or something.  Also, having Harrison sleep with Phoebe's (whatever the female candidate name is) daughter/sister was just giving him the 'tip' of a story line.  Just throwing him a bone...literally.  It was highly unnecessary AND insulting. Bleah.
Am gearing up for the 2 part winter finale which I am going to need therapy for- but then I think about Fitz building that house for 'Liv...and boning her DOWN in the house he built and it makes me feel warm inside.  Makes me feel like everything is going to be okay...BUT IT'S NOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ahhhh...

Tuesday, November 26, 2013

You Don't Know My Life: The One Eyed Pu**y Bandit is BAAAAAAACK!

I am just overwhelmed with thoughts.
The Walking Dead and Scandal have given me jaw ticks and have MADE MY LIFE!..They have even combined to make Scandal Dead-remember the time #MamaPope chewed through her wrists to get put in the infirmary so that she could then escape and finally see her babygirl after 20 years??!!!
Am getting ahead of myself though...

Let's start with The Walking Dead...
SO, Glenn ALMOST died and Hershel saved the day and proved how he is an amazing character...but is going to be killed.  I say this because THE GOVERNOR IS BACK BITCHES and sure he wants Michonne, but Hershel is gonna get caught in the crossfire.  Sad and true (in my head)!
Then ALL the zombies broke the gates to the prison so Rick and Carl got ta shootin'!  They bonded and Rick looked at Carl like: you know boy, you ain't got one bit of bitch in ya and yous a good shot.  (that is my attempt at writing for a Southern character)  It was a feel good moment.
With all the drama, Rick hasn't had time to tell peeps (besides Maggie) that he sent Activia (Carol) away...and when he was supposed to tell Poncho Realness (aka Daryl), he decided eat edamame with Carl instead.

Phillip/Brian/The One Eyed Pussy Bandit is BACK suckas and he was fittin' to change.  The Governor realized he may have gone bit cray with the killing n' shit so he decides to pretty much kill himself, but then he sees  a lil girl and that all changes!
It was great seeing his back story n' all, but I still don't get how chicks are so quick to give him the 'nani?!  Maybe it's that psychopath charisma or something.  I dunno.
Anywho, so originally The Governor had two sidekicks- the Black dude and the Spanish dude.  They eventually leave him and then The Governor goes on a 'kill myself' journey.  After finding hope again by acquiring himself another family- which includes a spunky lil lesbian sister- The One Eyed Pussy Bandit runs into the Spanish dude aka Martinez again.  Martinez being the dumb ass he is, doesn't sell The Governor out and takes him into the camp he's running....
I'm going to get a tad deep here folks.
There is a certain psychology going on here.  A psychology that is deep within colored folks who no matter WHAT will 'serve'/oblige their White counterpart- sometimes even above their colored counterparts.  Sure, we're in a whole new world here with the zombie apocalypse, but you mean to tell me that Martinez didn't watch The One Eyed Pussy Bandit shoot up all 'their people' and not feel some type of way?
Even in a world where the rules bend, this was just not a good thing.  Which leads me to think that when Martinez had a choice on whether or not to shoot The Governor in a pit, and chose to not only not shoot him, he hides who he really is AND THEN offers to make him co-leader of the new camp...
WTF?!  That's that 'White is right' psychology right there...
OR Martinez isn't the best person or the smartest, and didn't find too much wrong with killing  a bunch of his people and thought he was helping an old buddy hide his psychopath life.  So he basically made his death wish!  Which The Governor fulfilled by hitting him on the head with a golf club and then dragging him into a ditch filled with zombies- one of the BEST killings on that show by the way!

Now through a series of killings, The Governor is now the leader of Martinez's camp and now he wants to go back to the prison and take over Rick's camp.  *sigh*  Back to square one.  Another turf war where many will die and prolonging some hot swirly sex between Daryl and Michonne.
That would've been an amazing segue into Scandal but this is just so long I will write about Scandal tomorrow.  Promise!

This weekend is the mid-season finale and then I think the show doesn't come back till January or February...BLEAH.  My only prediction is that Hershel will die and my only wish is for swirly sex.

Monday, November 25, 2013

Foibles & Fuckery

Some fuckshit is abound!
First, a couple of weekends ago I found myself watching the dreadful J-Lo film The Backup Plan (on cable).  It wasn't that I intended to watch the film; it was another moment when the remote was out of my reach.  So there I am watching this movie about a 40 year old woman who gets artificially inseminated with some strangers twins BUT as fate would have it she meets the man of her dreams who she really wants to drop the seed in her.  The unfortunate dude aka dreamboat aka Alex O'Loughlin became another reason I didn't turn from this HORRIBLE movie.
Eventually though, I DID turn from the movie because I was just so ANGRY about the plot and J-Lo's acting makes me seethe!
Some ultimate fuckshit, but Mr. O'Laughlin can get it many times and then a few times more.

Then I hear J-Lo was part of some tribute to Celia Cruz on the American Music Awards?!!  Did they just scan MTV Mundo to find Latin acts??  HOW DARE they spit upon Celia's legacy!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Along with that travesty I hear Miley sang with kittens, GaGa and Kells are continuing to perform awfully and awkwardly together- like they make me squint and make me VERY uncomfortable.  Kinda like whenever Miley is onstage and I can ALMOST see her labia!
Then...THEN Rihanna decided to show up in a 'doobie'?!  Like for real?!  We all know I appreciate her 'I don't give a fuck' personality-but COME ON!  Here you are winning an ICON award (for what?) when you barely have a talent, basically the bitch just looks really good.  We all know and accept this.  So how you gonna roll into this award show WITH YOUR MOMS presenting you with an award with your hair NOT EVEN DONE?
What part of the game is this?
Now every mediocre trick that thinks she's Rihanna is gonna think that 'doobie' look is the way to go. Ugh.  Next up CURLERS or soda cans (Dominicans).  Ugh. I am getting all worked up like I actually watched the awards, like I gave a fuck. HAHAHHAHAHAHAH there is irony in this...

Friday, November 22, 2013

Over It

Oh man, the month is almost over and I have written only ONE blog entry.  No bueno.
You know how life goes in cycles with its ups and downs...very little in betweens.  Needless to say, I have been doing a lot of reflecting and maintenance of my mental game.
I am no longer at the job I was at before- which wasn't an issue as I knew it would come to an end as most shitty things to.  So I went through the whole 'looking for a job' thing WHILE thinking about what would've been my dad's 60th birthday which led me to thinking about why most of my family sucks which then led me to thinking about my mortality and legacy.
Just a lot.
Time in the deep has led me to realizing that I am REALLY not an online dater and my friends are just fantastic people.  My immediate family has taught me the strength of riding out the rough patches as well.  #DaRuffStuff
 I have also learned that I am just so excellent at Candy Crush- it's the little things.

As of right now, I am better and working and just ready for 2014 to bring on the good stuff- can you even BELIEVE this year is just about over.  The holidays are here-including my fave THANKSGIVING!!  Though the city is almost poetic during the holidays.  There's a hopefulness in the air.

In random news, I was in a Nook commercial.  Do what you will with it.  Touch yourself, kill yourself or bask in my GLORIOUSNESS.

Saturday, November 2, 2013

You Don't Know My Life: Fucked!!

So far this season of The Walking Dead has reinforced my new theory on taking myself out in the beginning of a zombie apocalypse.  By taking myself out, I mean I would totally kill myself.  There is no way I would or would want to survive.
Between the running for your life, treacherous people, the filth AND the smells...and I haven't even mentioned ZOMBIES!  That is enough for me to be like...nah.
Then you can get a cold and DIE- I am not surprised you have peeps dying from the flu on the show.  All them peeps-including KIDS, in closed quarters.  Just a recipe for death.
So yeah...I am not about that survival life.
I AM about Rick finally coming out of the emo fog he was in and getting back to basics.  Punching things and people, and shooting things and people.
Activia aka Carol is about that problem solving life.  I like that she has grown cajones-and just takes care of bi' almost makes it OKAY for her to bone Daryllll aka Poncho Realness, but now that I have seen the chemistry between Michonne and Poncho Realness, I want them together.  Sure she and Rick would be cool too, but Michonne would break him again because Rick is only 1 cheating whore wife away from seeing ghosts and farming again.
With all this death and sickness...and someone luring the zombies to the jail- characters are starting to buck the fuck up and stop writing poetry and singing around camp fires!  Where last years theme was about who's worse: people or zombies?  This years theme is: are we fighting to live or just surviving?- Like Maggie trying to get preggers with Glenn's baby!  What kind of bullshit is that?!  Times are different bitch..and it is all about surviving!  Life as you know it will be VERY different, now go out there and kill some zombies!
THANK HAY-SUS Tyrese was able to sample the brief love of a White woman- the empowering love it seems.  A love that has shaken all the bitch out of him and made him stop whimpering about like some moody hippy- I am not about this killing anything life.  Really dude?  You see what's been going on?  Then his beloved White woman gets burned to death (thanks Activia, bitch had to go because she was sick and coughing er'where) and Tyrese is now just axing through shittons of zombies! YEAH!

Seems to be a slow build up (this season), getting all our characters in line for something BIG.  Have a feeling it's about to be on.  Though if they kill Glenn off with this flu I'm not going to be happy with the rest of this season...also if Daryll doesn't spread out his luscious poncho in an abandoned cell and show Michonne that he can shoot more than his arrow...then imma be real upset with this season.

Friday, October 25, 2013

Good Things I Have Put In My Mouth Lately: Pizza Pizza! Drank, Drank!

Last night I had the amazing opportunity to attend my friend Jenny Ooooo's GRAND OPENING of her spot Park Luncheonette (Williamsburg, Brooklyn).  You know the food n' drinks had to be good for me to be excited about going to Williamsburg...when it has gotten unseasonably cold in New York City...well I guess it IS the season, but it's  freakin' COLD!
Anyways, Jenny is an inspiration to me and is one of the few people I would go to Willy B for- also I think her tremendous energy added to me NOT getting lost in Willy B! YAY!!  Also, I have to thank m'girl Nicole for joining me AND for giving the best directions ever.  A person is of excellent quality when they can give you simple directions without being condescending- I don't have this quality because I am an asshole, but Nicole definitely does!

Pictured above is the pizza menu- the menu is going to expand, but this is what is being served now.  We know I don't plays around when it comes to my eats, and these pizza's were just SO good.  Flavorful, simple and using local ingredients- it's the CIRRRCLLLE OF LIIIIIFE!  Everything is reasonably priced and the atmosphere is cool n' inviting.
I mean it was just PERFECT pizza- good cheese ratio, garlic-y, olive oil, thick pepperoni...I could go on and on-OH, I hate broccoli rabe, and it happens to be on the Moxie! pizza...I ate that pizza with zombie growls n' er'thang!  IT WAS SO GOOD!  That is big!

There is also a lovely bar- I mean the scene is REAL cute...without being a scene.  You don't need to TRY to be cool when you are...and your food is DELISH and your drinks are SO SERIOUS.  I had 2 cocktails- one was the Applejack I believe...that shit was LEGIT.  I then had the Fig U- I mean the name alone.  That drink was refreshing, not too sweet and it made me wanna eat MORE pizza.  #Winning
Since Park Luncheonette serves coffee and stays open to 4AM (kitchen closes at 1AM), you have all your needs COVERED.  Get drunk n' crunk, then sober up before you have to deal with the hipster zombies on Driggs Ave. or escaping McCarren Park.

This is just me being my usual seriously sexy...and classy!  You know, how I do on the regs.
Go to Park Luncheonette for a nice night out pre-game, low key sexy date night or you are apprehensive about Willy B but like good food n' drinks.  You probably won't come off as sexy as me, but you'll try and have fun doing it!

Photos courtesy of m'girl Nicole!

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Random Things That Make Me Nervous

It is no secret that I hate going to Williamsburg.  Added to reasons that are both outlandish and mainly have to do with most of the people there- I usually get lost whenever I am there.  Like Queens, Williamsburg has the habit of making me wanna revoke my own New York card.
I stays getting lost in them places.  The streets confuse the hell out of me!  Plus I just feel like I am walking into a Law & Order: SVU episode and I am about to get murdered/raped/murdered +raped and be the body that Ice-T discovers.
Some of you might get all high and mighty with some type of psych degree and say: well you probably hate Williamsburg because you get lost there.
To that I say: I don't hate Queens tho!

The reason for my sudden anxiety is that I will be in Willy B like three days in a row- which is BIG for me.  I will need to meditate daily, possibly drink, hopefully not wind up on meth, I may start brewing my own beer though, I also might fulfill my dream of becoming a DJ, etc.
I would be the DJ who somehow mixed trap music with Tibetian monk hymns.  I will probably be asked to DJ the KimYe wedding reception.
I don't know what I am going to do and how I am going to get there.  Wish me luck and if you don't hear from me for a long long while just assume that I have become that successful DJ wearing only leather thongs and plaid bolero jackets.  I will be dating some Blasian dude who is an artist that specializes in taking old boxes of laundry detergent and filling them with ...dreams.

Friday, October 11, 2013

You Don't Know My Life: ANNNND We're Back!

Ah, the Fall.  A time for crisper temps, changing leaves and when MY SHOWS come back.  A time when I plan my social activities around The Walking Dead and Scandal.  When I pride myself on early dining experiences and literally drinking for an entire hour (only) of a Happy Hour.  I do not play games.

I can also change the game if I want to.  I now watch Brooklyn 99 AND The New Girl- a show I said I could NEVER watch before.  The only reason I am now is because they come on before The Mindy Project.  I call this my 'one and a half hour chuckle time'.  Sometimes there are hearty laughs, but mostly I am smirking and congratulating myself on not watching episodes of Chopped I have seen a zillion times before.
So there's that and Parks and Rec- I may get involved with Community, but NBC Thursday nights are lame.  Lame and WHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITE.
I may check out that Dracula show (to see how bad it is) with Jonathan Rhys Meyers...did that come out yet?

Mainly though, I am concerned with Scandal! OMG!  That show never disappoints.  I am loving the flashbacks, the non-emo Fitz who is ABOUT that life, and Huck.  It always comes back to Huck.  The character who will now live in my head and keep me motivated n' intense is Liv's dad!  He is...just the scariest most intense dude around!  NOW you totally get how Olivia Pope became Olivia Pope because that dude would make ANYONE excel at ANYTHING.  He'd even motivate a Kardassian into a talent.  Joe Morton, an actor who has been around for so long and is just so amazing.  *sigh*  HE SCARES ME! AHHHH...okay, so far this season we are getting a lot of background and seeing a stronger bond between Fitz n' 'Liv.  It's not just tears and backs being thrown up against walls, we see how they work...and why...even if it is all so very fucked up.  Also, Fitz MANNING THE FUCK UP is very attractive!
I have no predictions as of yet, but I do think there might be a BRO-DOWN between Fitz and Noel (aka Jake)...Fitz might have to handle that dude.

AHHHH this Sunday is the season premiere of The Walking Dead!!!!  I am beside myself with excitement, plus m'girl Maria is making zombie cupcakes!!!

Tuesday, October 8, 2013

The Times I Went To See Movies Then Forgot to Review Them!

Oh man.  I slack!

Okay, first things first, I saw Lovelace...

I give it 2 twerks and 3 bitches with no gag reflex.  I laughed, I learned something knew and m'girl Nicole and I ate the most amazing truffle popcorn EVER!!!  Have never finished a bag of popcorn IN MY LIFE, but I did during this movie experience.  Also, Amanda Seyfried is on my 'enjoyable' list.  I don't mind her as an actress at all!

Then I saw The Grandmaster...

This movie had EVERYTHING- style, martial artistry, hot Asians and beautiful cinematography.  The storyline was easy to follow and the fight scenes were spectacular.  I mostly remember this amazing fur collared coat Zhang Ziyi was like the HBIC of luxuriousness.  I give this  movie 4 helicopter kicks and 3 dim sum experiences.

Whew, I am ALMOST caught up-I saw Don Jon two weekends ago...

I haven't really admitted this, but I find myself attracted to Joseph Gordon Levitt which is odd because he is squinty, seems short and might be gay. In any case, there is just something about him and after seeing this movie I get what IT is...he seems smart, aware and not to be a total dick.  The movie was about connecting and how we the people of this highly tech savvy, connecting age are really not connecting at ALL.  In between though, I got to look at J Gordon Lev's HOT ASS BODY!  Dayum. 
I give this movie 3 smooth stroking jack-offs (because the main character in the movie loved jacking off to internet porn) and 3 pull-ups (some type of work out term...people can do these I think).

Finally, last weekend I went to see Baggage Claim...

I'd like to think I saw this to support the 'Black romantic comedy', but mostly I saw it for all the FINE ASS MEN in the movie.  Mostly Boris Kodjoe and Derek Luke though....I have never been into Taye Diggs.  Strangely Adam Brody (of The O.C. fame) was in this movie and I like his hands for some reason.  He is a little cute too.  Mainly, I wasn't offended by Jill Scott's acting...I find she over-acts most of the time.
Paula Patton was cute and awkward...and it all worked.  This was a predictable rom-com and I was thoroughly entertained.  I give this movie 4 neck twists and 3 soul claps. to catch up on my TV reviews.  I will have my review of all the Fall season premieres of the shows I watch-more importantly SCANDAL! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH....

Let It Shine!

Yesterday my homie Nicole posted this on the blog she contributes to called Power Animals.  It is a wondrous tale about the sweatshirt we both purchased for...different reasons.
I bought my 'Haters' sweatshirt as a way to let the streets know where my heads at.  Not that I won't have a kind word to say, just that I won't be quick to say it because quite frankly...there are a lot of assholes/dicks/selfish twats/etc. out there.  Plus, life is just chock-full of lame situations.  Doesn't mean you are leaning towards depression, you just aren't easily amused by the BS.

In any case I just thought I'd post a pic of me wearing the shirt doing how I do.
Also, file this under: if you find something you're excellent at- i.e. me with HATING- then let the world know and let your gifts shine through!

Tuesday, October 1, 2013

A Chronicles of Cashmere Story: That Thing Called Karma

As I fell down the the stairs I realized that this would be how I died.
It's not that my life flashed before my eyes either, just a sudden feeling of dread and the inevitable.  I almost felt strangely at peace...until I remembered what led up to this moment.  The moment when I die.

It all began with me sitting at a cafe in the West Village waiting for my blind date to show.  My friend Dave decided to set me up with his friend who was new in town and so impossibly nice I wouldn't be able to find a single thing wrong with him.  Being a woman who loves a good challenge, I accepted this blind date.  So there I was waiting for Derek to show up.  Watching the door with the casual alarm I felt whenever I was in this situation.  Waiting for a date.
Admittedly, I was a serial dater only because I didn't know what I wanted.  I just knew that the guys I had various coffees, drinks and dinners with were not what I wanted.
Just as I take another tepid sip of my iced hazelnut latte, I notice a guy enter the cafe who seemed like he was looking for someone.  Our eyes lock and there is a recognition.  He walks towards me still giving me time to access him...and cut him down.
He is tall and has a confident walk.  He seemed focused...and I'd have to say he was handsome.  I find myself standing to greet him.

"Alice?"  His voice is deep, almost like a purr.

I hold out a hand, "Yes.  Derek I assume..."  He takes my hand and kisses the back of it instead of shaking it.  Oh, he was going to be a smooth one.  We sit opposite each other, still taking each other in.  His smile is slow and remains on his face even as he speaks.

"Dave was right, you are gorgeous.  I am so glad I didn't psyche myself and not meet with you."  His eyes never leave mine, it makes me feel like he is zeroing in.

"Thank you.  He didn't say much about you...just that you are really nice.  Are you going to get anything?"  I like to judge a man by the type of coffee he drinks.

"Nothing for"  He says.

The next few moments he relentlessly stared at me, it was a probing stare.  An almost frightening stare.  I sipped my coffee and thought about the many ways I would verbally malign Dave. Sure, this Derek was great looking, but staring at me creepily was not sexy nor was it going to get him a second date.

Finally he asks, "So how do you know Dave?"
This would be interesting.  I explain how Dave and I once worked together and how he asked me out after two months of coffee breaks and one happy hour.  I let him down easy because I thought he was nice, but way too short to consider having kids with.  He would be a great guy friend to have though in case I needed guidance with someone that actually had a chance with me.
I went on to tell about the time Dave finally moved on from me and started dating a girl named Priscilla.  He seemed really into Priscilla, so much so he asked her to marry him....this was when I reconsidered dating Dave.  I don't know what happened, I just saw him in a different more commitment worthy light.  So, like any romantic movie heroine I told him how I felt at the most inopportune moment- at his bachelor party as I was the one female invited besides his lesbian cousin Janet.  Dave called off the wedding and we dated for a bit until I met his brother Steve who moved from San Francisco for work.
There was no denying the chemistry Steve and I least I didn't want to deny it, Steve did.  It was a completely messy situation, but the heart wants what it wants and all that.

"You dated his brother?"  Derek interrupts.  He didn't seem judge-y, just curious.

"Well, I cheated on Dave with his brother and then dated his brother until he asked me to move with him to London where I just couldn't see raising children with that obnoxious accent."  I sipped my coffee and wondered if my murky past was all so that I could meet Derek...

"How are you and Dave still friends?"  He asks.

"Well..he forgave me eventually.  It helped that his brother moved to London- in the end, Dave just wants me to be happy."

"Perhaps...would you like to take a short stroll and then have dinner?  I know this great spot..."   He stands and stretches a little.

"After the amazing story of Dave and still want to go to dinner?"

"Of course I do.  I just asked how you knew him- listen, if he's willing to set you up on a blind date after all of that, then there must be something amazing about you."  He smirked and held out a hand to me.  I took it and stood up.  He was damn charming

Once outside, he guides me with a hand on the small of my back.  It had been a while since I'd been this close to date...a stranger...a male companion.  He smelled spicey and masculine.  Maybe I was getting ahead of myself, but I felt that karma paid me back for practically destroying Dave with all those horrific dates I went on, and now with Dave setting me up with Derek, the karma wrath was over.
I was so deep in thought I hadn't noticed that we were walking to a deserted part of town.

"So...which restaurant are we going to?"  I ask, looking at all the abandoned buildings.  Crackheads weren't even milling about.  Perhaps this was one of those up and coming neighborhoods with a restaurant in an abandoned crack den- anything for exposed brick.

Silently, Derek snatches my purse from my arm and before I can respond he pushes me down some stairs leading to a subway station.  I still can't believe how no one is around...more importantly I cannot scream as I think my neck is broken.
As I lay dying, I feel the thud of my bag hitting my back.  Though fuzzy, I see Derek's black shoes appear in front of my face.  What was happening?  Why?
He leans down and whispers, "Dave never forgave you and paybacks a bitch....or me.  A hired gun.  You're gasping for air now, you'll be dead and this will all be over soon.  A victim of robbery. Tsk tsk.  Still I feel this was too kind for you.  Too kind."  His feet disappear.
Everything goes black.  Karma really is a bitch.

The End.                                            

Friday, September 27, 2013


My friend MBotDrizzle is into Crossfit.  Of course I have made fun of it, but like most of my friends, she pays me no never mind and does her thing.  She loves what it is doing for her...even if it is a cult of insane work-out Nazis.  Okay, Nazis is HARSH...more like FANATICS.
The hater in me just doesn't sit well with a group of people wanting to look and feel great...and only hang out with  each other...and only do that paleo diet crap...and I hear there is a sock thing they do?...Whatevs, something about it just isn't right...BUT I am not about shittin' on MBotDrizzle's or anyone elses parade.  I can only do me.
....and in DOIN' ME I have come up with a program I like to call BossFit (copyright pending).  Being a person who understands the need for staying in shape and eating clean- though eating clean to me may mean eating off clean plates and in clean clothes- so let's say eating HEALTHY.
There are no diets you need to do or socks you need to wear, BossFit is about doin' you...LIKE A BOSS (that Black baby is NOT me, racist)!!

Here are some benefits and highlites of BossFit:

  • BossFit can be done any time and any where.  It can be done alone or with your fellow like-minded bosses.
  • You can wear whatever you want, just be comfortable...and don't look like an asshole.
  • The main part to BossFit is movement as well...but it's the type of moves I like to make.  Let's say I am standing around watching TV or just staring at a window, I start doing some arm circles.  I might throw punches in the air, air smack a bitch (as there is no bitch standing there), or just do this .
  • For a good lower body workout BossFit utilizes twerking.  Workin' them glutes, quads AND calfs.
  • Since most BOSSES ain't got time for a lot of things, I like to duttywine whilst doing my hair and makeup!  Imagine getting an all over body workout while you get yourself ready for the world...much like a BOSS.
  • BossFit is about doing you!  Doing you well!  You want to eat a cheeseburger- EAT IT...just maybe don't have fries AND then a milkshake...but if you do that, then have quinoa or a kale salad for lunch.  Just be more balanced and don't drink diet soda.  Live your life!

Monday, September 23, 2013

The Lone Lesbian vs. The Human Race

A lady who lives in my building who happens to be a lesbian was having a tough go at life last night.  When I say a tough go at life, I mean that she was drunk.  Drunk on a Sunday and hanging out- okay, pacing in front of the building. 
Since I am not as cold hearted as I like to seem, I made sure to look her in the eye and smile.  Sometimes just a lil something helps- believe me!  There have been moments when I have been walking about going through some mental torment and someone walking by will just smile at me...and I tell ya...this thug almost gets teary eyed.

Anyways, she just broke up with her girlfriend on her birthday.  She made reservations at this restaurant she always wanted to go to and her girlfriend was all like: meh, I'd rather not.
So she canceled the reservations and said she would make dinner and invite people over....
The girlfriend never.shows.up.  It was the day of the LoneLesbian's birthday too.
LoneLesbian then asked: what is WRONG with the human race?  why is everyone so damn selfish....
I felt her pain because I wonder about this a lot of the time- when I am not thinking about eating or my fall look.
I could offer little solace as I didn't have ALL night to go into why people suck. So I suggested that she not give up as not EVERYONE sucks, but dating in New York is the worst, so perhaps she should move out of state.  I said I have considered moving away...but then I realized that most of my love woes have to do with me being reclusive and so very awesome.
The LoneLesbian is feeling it now because her birthday was last week, but with time she'll heal and move on as it is what human beings do.  We lick our wounds and note the scars for the next dumbass that tries to break us down.

Friday, September 20, 2013

The Bone List: Just A Lil Bit....

There really isn't much I need to say about this.  I have already established how much I would bone Idris Elba...this picture just does things to me and my person.
He really is everything.

Friday, September 13, 2013

The Place Where I Work: The Door

Oh things are just going swell at work.
I say this with sarcasm....yet with a smile.  Things will never be perfect until I wake up comfortable financially and am just able to write (like a boss).  Perhaps I could even write better.
Anyways, today being Friday therefore another exclamation point at the end of a LONG ass week- I did not want to go into work.  I just wanted to sleep.  Then wake up and stroll about.  Scowl at a few usual....
Since I am a responsible adult (at times), I went into work and as I neared the entrance to my office I see a small crowd gathered in front.  The small group includes the two department heads I work for, DesignDude, the office manager and a project manager.  Each one trying to swipe in using our newly installed card swiping system that should be OFF during normal office hours...but as I predicted, it wouldn't work and this would happen (the door being locked from the outside, SECUUUURity)...and then I could turn around and go home.  I would've went home if my two big bosses weren't there trying to swipe in-I actually started walking backwards with DesignDude but people saw us.  Then through the glass I could see someone who could see us, so I asked...

Me: Is the door locked from the inside too?

Someone says no.  They all take turns continually swiping and not getting in.

Me: dude going to open the door for us?

That's when people look at him to get him to open the door.  I mean this whole time they all had been looking at each other knowing the door could be opened from the inside...yet it wasn't.  People started laughing...namely DesignDude.

Me: If this is how the day is starting...I just need to go back home.

DesignDude: Yeah...we should go have breakfast and blow this joint.

Me: Yes!  They won't notice  if we slip away....

While the door is still NOT BEING OPENED FROM THE INSIDE because dude that can open it is on the phone just looking at us.
The project manager chick who has been laughing at my reactions the whole time is like: you are not going have made my day!
The stroke of the ego kept me from elbowing her to the throat!  I mean, DesignDude and I could've had a nice breakfast- where he discloses his love for me and I just chuckle and steal his bacon- and then eventually come back to the office WHENEVER THE DOOR WAS OPENED.
FINALLY homeboy on the inside gets the bright idea to open the door and let us in.  No one says anything cuz he's older...well everyone except me...

Me: Thanks man!  You really didn't have to...

This got a couple more chuckles.  I even cracked a smile till I realized I was walking into a full office and NOT ONE person could open the door???!!!
I cannot.

Friday, September 6, 2013

The Bone List: Just The Tip

It's about that time again y'all, where I list three more men who may never know or care but can get it!  Paula Deen had to attend a Klan meeting or something so she is not around to wedding plan (because I am so wholesome)- instead Robin Thicke has come around to set up a love scene with the special dude and I.  Sometimes it's not about the dude being 'the one', it is about sticking a finger in dat ass.

Let's begin with Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson...

Admittedly, I have my brother to thank for this crush.  My bro was into wrestling (like any young boy) and since I was older and around (because I read comic books and built rockets, no dudes were checking for me), I was the in-house babysitter.  One day while watching wrestling with him and thinking how CHEESEY it was...until The Rock came on the screen and did that tongue thing "can you smelllllll what The Rock is cooking'. At that time I didn't understand what I was 'smelling', I was a teenage girl with these warm feelings in my loins at the sight of his flicking tongue.  I didn't know what cunnilingus was!!!  I just knew The Rock was onto something and I wanted that something to be ME!
He is the perfect mix of manly, FINE and funny.  I like a guy I can laugh with who can still inifiltrate my feminine quarters with gusto!  Sometimes he works out TOO much for me, but that tongue thing would help me get over it.

Robin's 'What Rhyme's With Hug Me' Vision: Talk about ambiguous ethnic fun!  I see this going down in a club.  Thumping beats, sweaty bodies and plenty of roofie-ing...*ahem* I mean wooing.  The Rock just grabs Honey T on the dance floor.  She'll try to fight him off, but once she feel's his erection bumping against her ass, she'll just go with it.  He'll say: I know you want this.  Of course she will because they all do.  He then takes her into a bathroom stall and...if I have to tell you the rest you ain't doin' it right.

Next up, Russell Wong!

WOW!  It's like I am going down memory lane...but not really because even the Russell Wong of today CAN.GET.IT!  He first came on my vag scene (woah) when I laid eyes on him in the film New Jack City.  Then there was The Joy Luck Club...and then the TV show Vanishing Son.  I was an avid Russell Wong fan.  He seemed gentle and deep.  Also like he would protect my shit while putting that 'hi yah' all up in my jade treasure cave.  Giving me that peiking duck all up in my steam bun....
I can go on but I'll stop because I am making myself hungry (hungrier).

Robin's 'What Rhymes With Hug Me' Vision: Massage parlor.  In a Chinatown somewhere.  Honey T is on a table-she is expecting a woman because she is playing all shy with her body.  Russell comes in like a ninja, slips the sheet off that is covering her needy body.  She opens her eyes all alarmed, but Russell puts a finger on her mouth to keep her quiet.  He then slowly begins rubbing her body all the while hitting pressure points that cause her to pass out.  He then climbs on top of her, spreads her honey colored thighs and...if I need to continue, y'all better ask somebody and learn today.

Lastly and certainly not least, Colin Kirkpatrick...though that is not his last name, I think it's Kaepernick or something that should be Kirkpatrick so I can remember it....

I don't know where he came from, what he is...barely know that he plays football.  I just know from the moment I saw him on the cover of GQ I was like: who the eff is that?!
He has that certain je ne sais quois that makes me moist and willing to push aside my lack of athlete love.  We may not have much to talk about, but then again it would be hard for  him to talk if I am sitting on his face. OH SNAP!

There is also this:

Nuff said!

Robin's 'What Rhymes With Hug' Vision:  My man Colin is throwing a pool party and Honey T is dragged there by one of her well meaning friends.  To get away from all the fun, Honey T finds her way into C-man's bedroom where she begin tweeting about this wack ass pool party she and her 'prude-like' tendencies have been subjected to.  Colin comes in wearing his swim trunks and just smirks at Honey T.  She is nervous, but she knows what she wants.  He comes over to her on his bed and proceeds to hold her down, she struggles at first, but then stops when Colin pulls out his big dick.  He then....if I have to tell you the rest, then you should just go home to your 50 cats and stop breathing.

Wednesday, September 4, 2013

The Thing About Robin Thicke...

There is this pic going around with Robin Thicke fingering some tricks ass and a story is trickling out about how he  made out with the chick and used the pick-up line 'I like the fact that you're so young'...
Now, when this all came out I was like: I can totally see he and Paula Patton having an open marriage- whatever the fuck that is.
Open marriage because I don't see Robin cheating on Paula, I think they have an understanding.  Not just cuz she's hot either...

She is, but they have known each other/been together for so long (since high school) and I think they would totally have some agreement about the other vagina's and penis's for them to play with.  Like Will n' Jada, I think they swing too.  #Hollyweird
I just don't understand an open marriage though...

I mean, 'open marriages' and 'open relationships' make no kinda sense to me.  People have TRIED to explain them and I just look at them and continue wondering if any of my freckles (on my face) are cancerous. 
I just don't wanna be with one person but fuck other people?  Why not just date?  Why get married?  Je ne comprende pas.  *le sigh*
In any case, I can totally see Robin Thicke and Paula Patton having this kind of arrangement simply because...they are famous n' shit.  Also, Thicke writes a lot of rape-y songs- example A.  I remember dancing to that Jordan Knight song in college and thinking: holding you down in my bed? WTF?!...but then I kept gyrating/ air sexing the air/dancing because I enjoyed the song.  Anytime Jordan Knight can wear a cream colored cable knit turtleneck and STILL make me moist....
Where was I?
Oh yes, so 'open marriage' aside, I just think Robin Thicke is a jackass and am done with him.  Not his music, but him and his entire entity.  I hate sleaze.  Hate it.
Have your open situation, but respect it.  Like there should be no Instagram photos of you fingering some trifling skanks have a KID for goodness sake.
Look at me being all wholesome n' shit...
But seriously, you're raising a lil boy who will be like: fuck all da ho's.
 Just another disrespectful dude to add to the bunch.  Think about the children, folks, for they are our future!!

Another thought is that if it was Paula being so sloppy with the dick, Robin's next album would be all Coldplay remixes for he would be HEARTBROKEN.  His ego shattered.  His pants would be a little looser.  He would take his shades off (for once) showing his eyes clouded with emotions.

So yeah, I find Robin Thicke to be mad sleazy and I am turned off by him.  I no longer want to engage in any type of sexual activity with him- which wouldn't happen any way because I may look young...but I am not.  Plus if he's fuckin' straight TRASH, then my temple of womanly libations would be of no interest to him.

Robin Thicke may you choke on several used condoms and be roofied and then' man handled' by 18 gay lions. 

Monday, August 26, 2013

MTV Video Music Awards Rundown 2013- The. End. REALLY!!

This rundown really has to be my last because watching the MTV VMA's hurts.  Hurts my mind.  Hurts my spirit.  My swag is on low.
THE ONLY reason I sacrificed my brain cells and taste levels was for the NSYNC reunion!  The thought of JT ( Justin Timberlake) scouring Walmart/Targets/Best Buy finding the rest of them dudes and then allowing them on stage with him again was enough for me to sacrifice my well being.
Anyways, with a heavy heart and a dry vag, I give you my MTV VMA 2013 rundown...

-FUCK SWAY!!!!!!!!!!!  May he choke on 5 million coconut curry dicks- that he finds out aren't vegan and then chokes some more!!
As you can see I watched the pre-show because I wanted the blow to be soft when I watched the actual show.  It worked because the pre-show was so SHITTY.  You had that foreskin in a hat, Sway with his gang of awkward lame White randoms aka Brooklynites.  It was like MTV picked their hosts from various coffee house open mics and boutiques in Williamsburg.  You know where ever snarky White people hang AKA the real Brooklyn.
Besides the hosts being the WORST and saying things like 'look, those are genuine brownstones' or 'I feel so cool in front of this replica Brooklyn Bridge especially holding this bag of macrobiotic dicks'- I didn't know who anyone was- well most of them.  Like who is Becky G??!  She looks like Selena Gomez's bratty kid sister who is constantly sucking on sour patch kids and giving Sway handjobs (listen, its the only way anyone else touches his penis).  Then there was Austin Mahoney?  What the fuck is that- THEN I see that he is associated with Taylor 'gummi bear deep throat' Swift and I gave even less of a fuck.  Now, Ariana Grande I have heard of because I heard one of her songs and thought it was Mariah Carey.  Hate being fooled, so I checked her out.  How old is this girl?  Does she even have her period?  Is she old enough to sing about love n' shit? I dunno, she has a nice voice...ugh...I just don't care...
All the interviews on the red carpet were just blah because the celebs seemed either drunk, high or disinterested.  Then there was Katy Perry talking about her new album 'Prism'- she went on talking about letting light in and not the dark blah blah blah.  I am taking 'light' as meaning 'bouncing on John Mayer's White supremacist dick is making me feel light and light is right'. Whatevs.
Then Pharrell came out with a gang of dudes on bikes with his 40 year old FINE ASS!!!  His aura was aglow with delight and richness.  His skin is as smooth and flawless as the breeze on his yacht in St. Tropez.  To say that Pharrell can get it is an understatement.  I would roll myself to him on a Gucci skateboard covered with only the coat of a virgin mink that has been dyed a soft pink.  I would give up milkshakes just to bathe in his 'Last Dragon' glow-aura...

-The pic of Rihanna's reaction- which was her reaction to most of the show EXCEPT for JT, was my reaction to the show EXCEPT for JT and the NSYNC reunion.  Her face is the perfect 'I am unimpressed and would rather be sharting than sitting through this'.
Lada Gaga opens the shows and did 15 cokehead costume changes.  She was entertaining...I guess...the song was...catchy maybe.  Ugh.

-The first award was given for something and Selena Gomez won beating m'boo Bruno Mars.  If it's any indication, my mom was singing along to the Selena song and made some reference to it being her jam so I guess I don't know shit.

-Then Miley Cyrus happened.  With her tongue, her Gwen Stefani circa 'Ex-Girlfriend' hair, and her silver dollar (pancake) ass.  Just grinding and looking a MESS.  Listen, can we all say what she is doing is NOT twerking!  It's steady grinding, but you need ASS to twerk.  Not some flapjack ill looking shit.
She just looked so foolish - and this is not a 'hood' act she is doing , it is a STUPID ho act.  Between she and Macklemore- all we needed was Paula Deen to come out and I would've thought I was watching some Klan 'Coon Clowning' talent show.
...and then she (Miley) brought Robin Thicke out and I realized why he will NEVER beat JT.  Never.  We know my love for blue-eyed soul- Michael Mcdonald and Jon B. are like the high priests of that shit.  I love them.  I own most of Robin Thicke's CD's and have been rooting for him, I even let his work with Pharrell cloud my judgement.  Now I realize that it was just Pharrell's glow-aura that was clouding me.
I was pitting Thicke against JT, and letting Thicke come out ahead!  I forgot how much I LOVE JT- I loved him through ALL the bad hair- cornrows, fro's.  Loved him through the bedazzled bandanna's and denim tuxes.  I rode hard for my JT and then he came out with all his amazing albums and he proved why he deserved my love.
Thicke has had me wavering with him not giving Marvin Gaye props because 'Blurred Lines' is like the twin sibling to 'Got To Give It Up'.  Every DJ with a serrato and a groupie does a transition from 'Blurred Lines' to "Got To Give It Up'!!!  THEN Thicke comes out and performs with Miley Cyrus??  This is what he decides to do with his new found fame?  You have 2 amazing songs to perform, you have Kendrick Lamar n' 2Chainz on stage with you, and you let some flat assed teenager grind up on you while you're wearing a 'Beetlejuice' suit?!  You want the world to take notice of that?!  Robin Thicke HAD this amazing moment and he didn't have to do much because MTV is for the White man ESPECIALLY if they are 'raping' Black culture or just doing things that when Black people do them it's like 'meh or ghetto' but when White people do them it is 'hip, cool and the thing to do'.  Plus they win awards n' shit.
In any case, it's not like I hate Robin Thicke...but he is NO JT and he will never BE JT and that is that.  At least he has a lovely wife, a cute son, and the complexion to keep him moving in the right direction.

-I wonder what Lil Kim had ordered at the downtown Brooklyn Applebee's when they dusted her off and let her announce an award at the VMA's.  Like did she order a Pina Colada and salad or a mud slide and the spinach artichoke dip?
Also, what the fuck is an Iggy Azelia?  I mean, I have heard the name, but why should I give a fuck?

-Kevin Hart tried.  He tried his damnedest, but even he was taken under by the LAME that is MTV.

-Lately, I have been TRYING not to hate on Kanye though he makes it SO easy.  I enjoy 'Yeezus' and 'Blood on the Leaves' is a favorite song.  The performance was very 'performance artsy' which I dug because that is the spiritual plane he is on....BUT then I heard he was on that Kris Jenner shit show talking about his worst nightmare is for a BLACK man to interrupt his daughter winning an award- like he did to Taylor Swift.  REALLY?!  That is your worst nightmare.  Between him and Lil Kim's face, I felt like reading Malcolm X because the Black self hatred is just sooooo present. I guess it's his blood on the leaves from his balls being castrated- is he gonna tell his daughter he is Panamanian or something?? Anything but Black, like his girl Beyotche`- that bitch is Irish, Creole, Native American...oh and Black.
Okay, bitch.

-Seriously, I LIVED for Rihanna's reactions throughout the night.  She was the only thing that kept me from twerking my way to some back spasms.  I didn't get why the camera STAYED on Will Smith and his demon children?  Also that group One Direction...who are they?!  Mostly, the camera STAYED on Taylor Swift and Selena Gomez.  Ugh.  That was when it wasn't on Drake who looked like he was writing sonnets in his head.
Rihanna's sitting over there, but she don't care
Miley got no ass, no it ain't there
Maybe I should've worn just a vest, made of rabbit hair

I think Willow & Jaden Smith were there seeking souls to devour, but were left unsatisfied as NO ONE in the music industry has a soul!!! Moooohahahahahahah

-Was that Pharell and Daft Punk commercial for H&M?

-Of course when Taylor 'I gag on gummi bear semen' Swift won her award she was all like: thanks to the guy who inspired this song, you know who you are!
Bitch please.  You and Miley need to just go away.  Maybe just Taylor Swift because her whole schtick of being this innocent ho is tiring and uninteresting and you can just TELL she is the worst kind of bitch.  One of them needy ho's.  Them fake-humble bitches who walk around like they have a rainbow up their ass, but really they hate themselves and everyone.  They also look through their 6th grade diaries and write songs.

-Who is DJ Cassidy?  Was he on the Jersey shore?

-They showed Rita Ora and Iggy Azelia sitting next to each other, plotting on who's dick they had to suck to be like Taylor Swift.  They also made a pact to always go to the ladies room together as they were afraid of Rihanna and her girls taking their album advance money and kicking them in the vag's.

-Seriously, I would've  risked being touched on the vag by Riri and her girls just to sit with them and do that flawless hating they did.  FLAWLESS.  Except when JT came out and they...we ALL were singing...dancing...being as happy as they could muster up.

-JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE made the hour and a half that I did watch the show WORTH IT.  He didn't even perform ALL his songs and he just brought the house down.  THEN he performed with NSYNC...and I just felt young n' giddy!  I was elated.  I was breathing heavy.
It was just so great.

-.....then One Erection won for Song of The Summer.....they beat out 'Blurred Lines'.  For real.  That was when I turned.  I heard I missed Drake...Macklemore and Katy Perry....but there is not an ounce of a fuck that I give.

Overall...MTV is no longer relevant when it comes to music, talent, taste levels...anything.  It's just there.  That old ho in the club trying.  Wearing spandex and large hoop earrings hoping their AARP card can get them a drink discount.
My head hurt, I hated myself and I felt despair for humanity.  Mostly, I hate that I am from and live in BROOKLYN.  OMG, I wished beatings with 1 million Mandingo dicks upon all those who shouted out 'Brooklyn'!!  What a fuckin' joke.  I don't even know what this borough is any more, yeah there are still some areas unfazed by the LAME, but I just don't wanna claim Brooklyn anymore.  I hate myself like Kanye now.  It's so tough because Brooklyn is a part of who I am...but...I just...
I need some biscuits, a bottle of moscato and Drake so we can write my new album called 'Twisted Uterus'.  Something to help me deal with all this...
Fuck you MTV, Brooklyn, Macklemore's fugly face n' suit,...just everybody.  Except JT and Rihanna.

Friday, August 23, 2013

A Chronicles of Cashmere Short Story: The Boarding House

** Recently, I had a dream where I owned a boarding house-specifically, not a bed & breakfast.   I was also babysitting a friends daughter AND then Rihanna came in needing a room...and guidance.  I was probably looking at pics of her on Instagram or Rihanna is my spirit animal.  In any case, I decided to write a non Nicholas Sparks inspired (I HATE HIM) story inspired by this dream.  Just a way to flex the writing muscles, raise my spirit and somehow write a non sex related story about Rihanna.**

-- The house was quiet as Miriam walked through, just the creaky wood floors and Charlie the cat as they did their nightly walk through the large Victorian boarding house.  Miriam loved walking through the house, she almost felt as if her Aunt Patrice was with her, but she disappeared leaving Miriam to care for the large, beautiful empty place.
It seemed like the perfect (and right) thing to do.  Miriam was stuck in another dead-end job with another dead-end boyfriend and at thirty-two she needed a change.  As if on cue she received a call from the sheriff from the town of Huntingdon, Pennsylvania.  She was shocked that she was speaking to an actual sheriff.
Sheriff Mason informed her that her aunt was missing and that Miriam was listed as next of kin.  He mentioned that the boarding house she owned was empty as well, besides Charlie, and just in case someone needed shelter, someone (i.e. Miriam) should be there.  It took all of two seconds for Miriam to decide to leave her small apartment in Brooklyn and move to a small town in Pennsylvania.
What did she have to lose?
Two soft knocks are heard at the front door.  Miriam only heard them because she happened to be on her way to the kitchen to make popcorn.  Popcorn and Netflix were on her agenda as she pondered what to do with her life.
She opened the front door leaving just the screen door between she and a frightened looking Rihanna.  There she was all legs that were uncovered, wearing 'daisy dukes' and cropped white tee shirt.  A baseball cap covered whatever new hairstyle she had.  Her beautiful eyes were watery and her lips were blood red.  Rihanna was with two gentleman.  One looked like 'The Rock' and the other looked like her accountant.

"Um....Rihanna..." Miriam's natural sarcastic tone was a little extra since she considered that she was being punked.

"Hi...listen can we come in.  We need a place to stay-"  Rihanna's voice was familiar and shakey.

"Isn't there a hotel in Philadelphia or something?"  Miriam asked.  This was just an old boarding house, she was sure Rihanna was used to the finer things...things Miriam didn't have the want or care to provide.  She barely got by making popcorn for herself and feeding Charlie.

"We were told by the sheriff that we should stay with you due to the situation..." 'The Rock' said speaking for the time.  His voice matched his large build as it was deep and seemed authoritative.

"What situation?-"  Miriam asked.

The accountant-looking guy rolled his eyes, "Isn't this a boarding house?  Shouldn't you be hospitable or something?"

"You don't know what is going on out there?"  'The Rock' asked, both of his eyebrows raised.  He tries looking behind Miriam, "Do you own a TV?"

"First, I have taken over this boarding house from my missing aunt and second, I hate what's on TV these days so I watch Netflix...what is going on?"

"Zombies!" Rihanna says, fear in her eyes.  She begins nervously tapping her leg.  "Please let us in..."
Miriam wasn't the kindest person, but she could sense urgency and despair.  She was a human being, so she unlocked the screen door.  When she looked out beyond the people she was letting in, she saw clouds of black smoke.
'The Rock' closed and locked the front door and then leaned a large rifle next to it.  It was the first time Miriam noticed it.

"I'm Brock, this is Nathan and you know Rihanna of course- thank you for letting us in..."  Brock says, though Miriam would still call him 'The Rock'.

"Zombies?" This was all Miriam could respond with.  She didn't mind that Rihanna and Nathan seemed to be walking around checking windows and locking doors.  It seemed like the right thing to do if there were zombies around.
Brock on the other hand, wrapped a large cinnamon brown arm around her shoulders and led her into the kitchen.  Miriam then realized she was wearing a long high collared night gown and figured she probably looked very prudish.  Then she felt foolish for even considering how she looked while talking to 'The Rock'.

"The sheriff told us to come here, Miriam,
 since this town seems to be safe for now from zombies.  Something started in Florida at a Pitbull concert- he went to pull a girl onstage and she started eating his arm.  For the past week it has spread up the East coast.  Scientist believe it started with a bad batch of 'molly'-"

"There are lively dead people eating people because of 'molly' and this has been going on for a week?"  Miriam sits at the kitchen table.  Her head in hands, she realizes that perhaps watching only movies on Netflix and Buffy the Vampire DVD's was not the best thing as she decided her new life goals.

Brock leaned his large body on the refrigerator that was across from Miriam.  His largely muscled arms were crossed, he was quiet while he contemplated his present situation.  He wondered how a gym owner like himself could now count killing zombies as his life skills.  How he went from booking strip-kickboxing classes, to saving Rihanna from being eaten by her backup dancer-which a week ago would have resulted in her reciprocating with sex. Lots of sex with Rihanna.  Instead, he didn't even consider sex with Rihanna because just surviving each day was a struggle, that and the fact that they couldn't shower often and when she wasn't high, Rihanna was annoying.  All she did was come up with bad word combinations and call them song lyrics. When she wasn't 'writing songs', she was crying or trying to seduce Brock.  It wasn't just Rihanna though, it was her assistant Nathan as well.  When he would say things like "we men should stick together" he meant literally.  Brock shivers.
"That seems to about it...."  Brock felt a tenderness for her, maybe it was the old lady nightgown she wore, but he felt like he wanted to take care of her.  He felt weird about it, but continued, "Listen, this is just another battle we have to fight in this world...we have to stick together.  I speak for Rihanna and Nathan when I say your hospitality is appreciated.  I will do my best to protect you-"

"My savior..." Miriam mumbled.  Though she was happy to have people around, especially a great looking guy like Brock and who would believe she was providing shelter for Rihanna?  Miriam didn't enjoy the damsel in distress roll, perhaps it was because she truly needed help.  She had no clue to what she wanted out of life, but not being eaten by zombies was a main goal now.  She just didn't like that some muscle-head guy was offering to protect her, she felt it was too cliche.

Nathan and Rihanna walk into the kitchen, afraid to be alone anywhere even with each other.  Any form of comfort is sought when you're running from zombies.  They sit opposite each other at the table with Miriam.  Miriam looks from them to Brock and then back again.  She stands and goes to retrieve the half eaten apple pie from the refrigerator.  It was one of the few things she had left from her aunt.

"So what do we do now?" Nathans asks as he readily accepts a slice of pie.

"We'll work on securing the house and try to hunker down as long as we can.  We'll take it day by day..."  Brock says, he joins them at the table.  He wanted to nuzzle Miriam's neck and whisper sweet nothings in her ear.  She was feeding them pie and providing more than comfort, she was giving them hope.

"First we'll eat pie though and then we'll figure it out."  Miriam went to go make everyone tea.  In this time of crisis, she realized that she would be okay.  When she caught eyes with Brock she felt as if she were on her way to something.  Something big and definitely not death by a 'molly' zombie.

Monday, August 19, 2013

You Don't Know My Life: The Killing Finale aka Battle of the Balding

** Am finally catching up on some blogging- you know when life ish catches you then slaps you in the face with a dick?  That happened, so now I have to dust myself off and continue on.**

My jaw was CLENCHED! So tight, I just about gave myself a headache.
The Killing tried to PLAY me.  Tried.  They made it look like it was Mitchum Huntsberger (see past blogs about the The Killing to understand who I am talking about), but about halfway through the first ep, I was like: IT'S THE OTHER BALDING DUDE, THE CAPTAIN!
Then the show used a writing technique a lazy writer like myself uses to just FINISH.  It's what I imagine Linden's sex life is like- just hurry up and end this so I can go back to staring off and being awkward...and not feel ANYTHING including your penis.
The writer's just seemed to wanna tie everything up in a not so neat bow and have us really believe this balding captain really killed all these girls.
Okay,  maybe it wasn't so hard to believe- I mean he had creepy factors and it made sense that he had an affair with sweater wearing, aloof ass Linden.  She doesn't scream PASSIONATE to me...but you can definitely distract her with the dick if she were working on a case where you killed someone and didn't wanna get caught.  Dick distraction works for mostly everyone- including Linden.  I thought she was stronger than that...but alas she is not.
So this balding captain does his dick distraction on Linden, covers up 20 years of murders AND THEN gives his daughter the ring of some random dead girl proving he is the killer to Linden?!  I am supposed to just go along with this? ....was it just so Linden could prove she was 'human' by making the mistake of giving the 'nani to a killer?  Then she had to DEAL with it...and the way Linden DEALS with things is by shooting them.  Even when m'boo Holder is like: noooooooooooo stop,yo!
She continues to pull the trigger and kills the balding captain- which is what he wanted her to do anyways.

Ugh.  So you can see I was not into this ending...yet I didn't hate it and cannot wait for next season to see how Holder and Linden get out of this one!  If they somehow make Holder distract Linden with his dick, I will STOP WATCHING.  I promise.

Tuesday, August 6, 2013

The Times I Went To See Only God Forgives & The Conjuring

These were both some dark movies.
I felt like my soul needed a chemical peel...also I may need an exorcism!

I went into 'Only God Forgives' not knowing a thing about it- just that Ryan Gosling  was in it.  You don't need much reasoning after that- oh and he plays a boxer.  This means he'll be shirtless.  I went with my friend Nicole (who writes for this amazing blog) who had a little insight into the movie, yet still not enough to comprehend what we saw.
The story takes place in Bangkok so I mentally prepared to see Ryan bang out a 13 year old tranny prostitute- that didn't happen.  Though he did finger a prostitute a few times who appeared to be female.
...this whole story was bloody and filled with karaoke.  Specifically a chief of police with a God complex and a love for karaoke- he would force his officers to be his audience... Of course this led to him being the most enjoyable character to me.  Maybe it's 'cause I have a God complex too?
The biggest surprise was Kristin Scott Thomas because I didn't know it was her till the credits rolled (told you I knew nothing about the movie!).  Her character was a complete twat and looked the part too, so I have to add her to the enjoyable list.

So far on the enjoyable list for this movie:

-Ryan Gosling's body
-Ryan Gosling's body covered in a suit
-Ryan Gosling's beady eyed stare
-The karaoke singing police chief who knew his way around blades and sharp instruments
-Kristin Scott Thomas as the moms from HELL!

Overall I still don't know how I feel about the movie. was so many things but I don't if 'enjoyable' was one of them.  Nicole and I both left the theater feeling weird, a tad dirty and like we'd seen something that we couldn't comprehend.  Later, Nicole text me that the dude who directed 'Drive' also directed this movie!  It explained a lot, but still didn't confirm my feelings about the movie.
I can say I doubt I'd own it like Drive or that I would even watch Only God Forgives that may mean something...

I went into 'The Conjuring' knowing I was going to be scared.  I informed JNN- an affectionate name I call my friend Jonathan who always seems to know current events, the weather and stock prices- anywho, I let JNN know that we were in for a bitchassed treat.  There would be grabbing and I would become a complete bitch!  I knew this because the movie trailer had me spooked and THEN I saw the TV commercials where they interviewed the REAL family this happened too.  That's right folks this was a TRUE story!!!
In the TV commercials they interviewed the surviving children and all three of them had a look in their eyes.  A look that said: I have seen some shit that cannot be explained except that the DEVIL is real!!!
Just from them looks, I knew I was in for nightmares and the like- I love how I love scary movies, but the right ones will really scare the shit out of me making me unable to sleep and I have weird dreams.

The story takes place in the 1970's in Rhode Island.  Typical family moves into house...and then shit starts getting real.  The movie also follows this couple who specialize in ridding people of ghosts and demons.  The husband in this couple was Patrick Wilson who I find attractive for some reason.  So I was excited to see him in some tight fitting 70's slacks!

Besides a bugle-check, I was consistently reminding myself that this really happened...and freaked myself out.  That's when I wasn't clutching JNN (and he me) and SCREAMING LIKE A BITCH.  This movie made me scream twice in a crowded movie theater (I wasn't the only one)- I NEVER DO SHIT LIKE THAT!!  Maybe if I am at home or at a friends, but never in public....but that's just how scary this film is!!!
The devil is ALIVE people...or demons are...or the evil spirits of Salem witches!! Either way I went and bought myself a bracelet of eyes...

Just in case I am hexed and some demon is after me!!!!!!  My life is not a game.  THE DEVIL IS REAL PEOPLE.

Overall, both of these movies were experiences that I suggest you endure for yourself in case your life is a perky kids cartoon and you need a lil time in the DARRRRKNESS!!

Friday, August 2, 2013

The Bone List: Initial Penetration

Hey y'all (doing my Paula Deen impersonation)!
Starting something new (on with the new!) a section called: The Bone List.  This is where I will list three guys I want to bone at some point in my life.  I live in reality and know that these bonings may never happen, but I am also a writer (imagination) and a classy lady so I will include the type of wedding my favorite plantation owner/celebrity chef Paula Deen would plan for us.  YAY festive!

Well you know who I have to start off with....Idris Elba.

My love for Idris knows no bounds.  Though I don't know him personally, I understand that he is EVERYTHING.  He is a MAN- no bitchassedness at all.  He has an accent!  He is older yet still DJ's- so he is refined yet fun!  Um, he is also FINE AS HELL!  Looks like he has some slammin' dick swag and that he would make me some lovely tea after lovemaking.  Awww.  Sir Elba has an open invite forever and always to my womanly treasures!!!!!!!!!!!

Paula's Wedding Vision: I see a beach wedding.  Idris and his groomsmen arrive on one slave ship and Honey T and her bridesmaids arrive on another.  They all come out lined up in chains and once Idris and Honey T become man and wife their chains will be unlocked from their bridal party and will be locked to each other.  They will be led away by my brother Bubba....

Next up is Jason Mamoa....

This man is just....he looks like he can make you laugh while he blowin' your back out- I see a devilish look in his eyes and smirk.  Devilish to me means sense of humor, but this could also mean he is a vegan with some wicked dick play.  Either way I AM ALL ABOUT THIS MAN.  I don't even dig long hair-but this guy is like Samoan which besides 'Blasian', it is the forbidden fruit I'd like to TRY! Mmm mmm mmm...

Paula's Wedding Vision:  Hmmm...what is this?  Is he Mexican?  Well, if he has his papers, I think they should choose any of the many restaurants that his family works at.  There can be pinata's and chicken.  The clean up will be easy after this fiesta!

Lastly, here's Michael B. Jordan....

He is sorta new on my vag scene.  All young, tender, eager and seems like he has some artistic dick swag.  I'm into it!!  Besides being an amazing actor, Michael seems like we would be able to hold amazing convo's after he went all deep in my feminine walls of suction and seduction.  Also, THEM LIPS!

Paula's Wedding Vision: I would let Honey T and Michael use my plantation for an outdoor wedding.  We would have them stand amongst other coloreds-ahem- Blacks and have my brother Bubba select them to breed.  It will be just like the good ole days when we selected which of them could marry n' such.  Nostalgia is a wonderful thing!  They look they would make strong babies to shuck this corn and pick these sweet potatoes....

Stay tuned for more men I want to bone!!