Monday, December 31, 2012

Heyyyy 2012, I'm Still Here....

...unless prior to January 1, 2013 I am killed which could happen because...hey...2012.

It has a been a year of true ups and downs though I am not here to reiterate all the happenings.  I am here with some lessons I learned that will hopefully help through 2013 and so on...unless I am mysteriously dead before 2013, then forget about EVERYTHING because 2012 truly SUCKED and just hope you make it through 2013, yo.

Life is SHORT: It seems cliche', but this is truth. Time, life, trains- wait for NO ONE, so get yours.  I am not saying fuck someone over or lack some type of responsibility, I am saying if you're looking around the room and the people around you or the situation you're in is lacking, then DO something about it.
Shit, I was at a job I thought I'd be at for a minute.  Bitch (me) thought she was happy. Thought my shit was fulfilled, then I truly took stock of my situation and realized that I am only staying at this job because I like 2 people but I dislike EVERYONE else because they are either narcissistic assholes or feeble minded life leeches.  It was time TO I left.
Some things are easier said then done, but your friends are sick of hearing you complain about shit- they're not saying it because they're friends, but still.  Make that change.

As for people- well, this depends on a lot of variables.  I have become more zen in my dealings, and by zen I mean having lowered expectations because for the most part people are shit.  Luckily, like with the bad moments...and bad people, there have been some amazing moments and amazing people.  In addition, it is the realization that in the end...I am my own BFF.  HOLLA!

Challenges bring forth character, so embrace the struggle and know that you shall overcome...if you choose to get off your ass and do something about it.  Fuck what people think or say, find your joy and live your fuckin' life because you could be pushed in front of a train or something.

May the odds be ever in your favor.

Saturday, December 29, 2012

The Time I Went To See Django Unchained

Let me start by saying that you will be offended.  I mean, this is me folks.  You should know this by now.

So, I went to see Django Unchained with my friend Ru and because we deal with various types of bigotry on a daily basis- I am an ethnically ambiguous Black woman and he is a 'blasian' looking Dominican gay male- we both were kinda/sorta excited about seeing some racist assholes who happened to be White get shot by a freed slave.
Listen, the day before I walked into a Dunkin Donuts in my neighborhood. It might have been Christmas day which explains the lack of violence on my part- anyways, I walk into the DnD and get on line.  This woman walks by me.  She is older and White, she looks at me and then says to her friend: you know what movie I was watching, Roots!
I glare at her and she smiles.  Her friends says: that is my FAVORITE movie!
Really bitch?!  Is it?  Your favorite movie?!
I began trembling with the want to choke some old tricks...but it was mom expected me home and not in jail.
Perhaps I was calm because I knew I was going to see Django kill some white folks...who had it coming.

I went into the movie expecting the usual Tarrantino thing, and I enjoy the 'Tarrantino thing'- and strangely I feel that even with the touchy topic of slavery, Tarrantino can do his 'thing' without making me want to kick him in the throat.
He came through with an amazing Western, with amazing acting and in between the usual campy comedy, dealt with some harsh realities.  A lot of #real talk.  A lot of jokes where you couldn't all laugh together (meaning White peeps better lay low) and be jolly because it was some touchy shit- but that's Tarrantino.  That's how he rolls and why I like him.
There was great action with a great story.  My love for Christoper Waltz (his character Dr. King Schultz, nice Tarrantino) just grows n' grows.  He is such an intricate actor and so engaging.
Also, Leonardo DiCaprio- I never gave two halves of a fuck about him, I mean, he's a good actor, but I just never a gave fifth of a fuck.  In this movie though, I felt him!  Not in a sexual way, in a way where I saw something that made me wanna maybe give a fuck.  That's big!

Then there is a scene where Django's (Jamie Foxx) jangly meats are shown, its not a pleasurable scene, but there were balls n' shaft.  Ru turns to me and says: Jamie Foxx has a big penis.
I agreed and seemed to forget about what was going on with the film- listen people, y'all seem to forget that I live a somewhat 'Downtown Abbey' life so seeing some fine penistry leaves me a lil feeble minded.
All in all, Django Unchained is a highly entertaining, provocative movie.  See it and talk amongst your friends- can we also say that I am into the the costumes in this movie.  Rugged, trim-cut (not skinny), sorta nut huggin' slacks...with a cowboy hat. Mmmmmm.

Friday, December 21, 2012

As The (Online) Dating World Turns: The Signs

I really haven't been taking this whole 'the world is going to end' thing seriously because I am more practical than crazy.  It may seem unbelievable seeing as you my blog, but yes, I am more logical and practical than the cray cray chick who likes to kick role I usually 'play'.
That may go on thee ole tombstone IF the world does end...though who's gonna be checkin' for tombstones?
Now, I believe the world will end sometime soon because Chat Swag and I actually went on a date and I didn't hate him, but will probably never see him again.
Can you even believe I took time out of my busy schedule of doing the Lumosity brain games, working, hating AND plotting various resort trips- to actually meet up with a man I was attracted to and have a DATE??!!  Chat Swag was equally attracted to me- in fact I'd say more so because...well...I am awesome AND attractive.  Luckily, I was also chill and funny, allowing my personality to flourish because I spent most of the day drinking and eating fried chicken.  That's how I calm down (#about this life).
Chat Swag planned the meet up and was on time- I was a few minutes late due to slight sluggishness and 'itis tendencies.
Guys, he was cuter than his pics and we talked for HOURS.  We're both lovable nerds who are creative and have slight recluse tendencies. Nice. 
Only problem is, dude of  a certain age but is stuck in his 20's with life shit.  Be a kid at heart, but boo we are GROWN.  Chat Swag was talking about using crates as furniture and having a mattress on the floor- no box spring.  I mention IKEA, he says that place gives him a headache and, besides, some woman will come along and kick him into gear.
Then he saw the look on my face and tried to clean that up.  He wasn't quick enough though, so I went on about him waiting for 'mommy' to come and fix his life.
Then I felt my vagina go dry and knew it was ALL too good to be true.  No HOT dude I am attracted who can discuss random Buffy the Vampire Slayer episodes off the top of his head....this dude couldn't possibly be ALL good (for me).  Had to be something.
Listen, for some women (in their 20's) a mattress on the floor is cute, but to me, it isn't.  I can't take you seriously boo and I will raise my SON (if I have one) not some dude who has a mom.
Ain't nobody got time for that.

This last week of 2012 I am going to stick to looking at dudes crotches on the train and staring at pics of various soccer players.  No more dates till 2013!- if we make it there.

Thursday, December 13, 2012

Conversations With Ice: Click! Click!

My dear friend (in my head) Ice T has been going through it with his wife Coco.  Some questionable photo's came out with Coco and some rapper dude.  Rapper dude was all hugged up on Coco, and she didn't seem to mind.  Ice T got mad (real mad, Joe Jackson) and went to Twitter to 'air it out'.  Then Coco took to Twitter to apologize, and now they are doing better.
Ice still needs to work some stuff out so he invites me to his 'man pad', the apartment he keeps in the city.  We are chatting while playing MarioKart.

Me: So....

Ice T: That was called a shell and you being off the road-

Me: You know what wasn't off the road, that dudes face all up in Coco's neck-

Ice T: That makes no kinda sense.  Listen, shit happens in relationships.

Me: And sometimes people play too much...

Ice T: People get too comfortable, we've discussed this before.

Me: Yeah-but you guys are okay, right?

Ice T: We'll be aight.

Me: No tweeting if this happens again, though...

Ice T: Yeah that was very bitch of me-but I was so overcome with emotion. 'Like who IS this dude and WHY is he touching my wife'?

Me: Ooooo see that was a fireball-

Ice T: Nice one.

Me: I get that though.  Pictures were out, wounds were caused and you just wanted to lash out.  Next time just remember that you give the public a lot, some things you have  to take care of on the inside before you share with everyone. 

Ice T: Does calling ones goons and have them meet a certain rapper outside his home for a brief 'chit chat' count as lashing out?

Me: No, that is just shit that has to happen.  You don't go around feeling up on peoples wives.

Ice T: Look at you making sense.

Me: Listen, I am not the same timid bitch you met before, this year has growed me some-

Ice T: What kind of English-

Me: I've grown!

Ice T: Maybe there's hope for us all then...


Wednesday, December 12, 2012

As The (Online) Dating World Turns: Chat Swag PT Dos

Last Thursday after I picked up my jaw from watching Scandal, I finally looked at my phone- which I hadn't done for hours because I am not like EVERYONE who has their phone surgically attached to their hands and genitalia.
There were a few messages and one was from the dude I'll call Chat Swag- you remember him from before. We talk, we text...and that's about it.  Well, until I just stop responding because I am easily bored and find it hard to care for anyone I haven't spent any time with...and even then I am all like...whatevs. (some call it casual elegance)
So, Chat Swag sends a nice text wanting to catch up and mentions that we should hang out that weekend.  Now I know that by reading this blog you know I don't have too too much going on for me that doesn't involve mental fuckery and food.  That weekend though, he happened to catch a moment when I had a LIFE.  Shocking.  I offered to squeeze him in- because its not about shutting down, but letting in (theme for 2013...until I am back to hating everyone again)- but it didn't work out. where we left it, I was supposed to text him but haven't gotten around to it.  I've been too busy fantasizing about this dude I work with who has tatt all the way to his fingers.  He builds things.  We talk basketball.  I wanna do him.

I know, I know all my mental fuckery is not helping my whole dating/being single/'Downtown Abbey' situation.  'Downtown Abbey' is the situation going on with my vagina- nothing but high teas, croquet and proper shit.
Anywho, we'll see if/when I'll text dude.

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Honorable Mentions AKA Things I Forgot to Blog About

  • Breaking Dawn- THE FINALE: Yeah, I didn't do a rundown of this movie because I was ashamed.  Ashamed I spent countless dollars on this franchise of fuckery!!! Listen, I don't believe everything has to be all deep and Indie, but this movie was just the worst.  From the bad CGI to the acting to the plot to the acting...I mean, I just couldn't.  The only time I did perk up was when I thought everyone was going to die- but then they didn't.  Then my thoughts went back to disappointment at the cake I snuck in from Nanoosh (chain Mediterranean that is DELISH).  I expected so much from the cake-more so than the movie- and it left me feeling broken.  Okay, I think the cake sucking ALONG with the movie totally broke my spirit.
  • TV Addictions: I am not one of these intellectuals who's all like: watch TV, why I never! (then pull out War & Peace to snuggle with).  I don't watch a lot because a lot is CRAP, but when I do I enjoy a select few programs that make me happy to have eyes and brain cells to spare!  There's Nikita (yep, I still watch this), Scandal (OMG, my favorite show besides Chopped), Chopped (hours, I have lost HOURS of my life on this show that I don't need/want back!!!), Basketball Wives LA (I can't with this show most of the time, but I always catch myself watching it and thanking myself for not being a vapid bitch), The Mindy Project (I thoroughly enjoy Dr. Castellano and this show makes me laugh and sometimes I wanna punch it), Suburgatory (okay, dude from Clueless is on this show...with his chocolaty voice...and I find myself LOLing [yep I did that] when watching this), Key & Peele (kinda gave up on sketch comedy once Dave Chappelle went cray cray...but these dudes make me chuckle), Joan Rivers Fashion Police (I don't think people know how much I LOVE Joan Rivers, like ADORE. the shade she throws is just so thorough), Parks & Rec, What Not To Wear, Animal Planet shows on cats, Walking Dead (I don't where to begin with this...)
  • When I evacuated my area during Sandy, I stayed at a family friends home- more like mini mansion- in White Plains.  It was lovely till a fallen tree knocked out the power.  So we go to another persons house to charge up.  This person was a woman who had a son who lives with her.  When I went to shake the sons hand his eyes became glittery and his heart seemed to come alive- well that's what my friend told me because she says he hardly speaks but when I was around he was telling stories and had a personality.  I explained that I bring out the best in people.  She scoffed and said he wanted to do me.  I soon noticed various weaponry hanging around.  Dude explained that he makes and sells weapons- think more renaissance style...and nunchucks (sp).  I noticed that he also wore a wide brimmed hat and a trench coat as outerwear- I threw no shade because I am evolving, but also because I deemed him harmless...yet quirky.  See, I am growing y'all.
  • I have developed a gif obsession.

That's all I can think of for now. Will hopefully be more on top of my amazing life from now on.

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

The Place Where I Work: Raspberry Beret

Reader(s), let me apologize beforehand for taking so very long to tell you about a special fellow I call Raspberry Beret.
Where to begin with this one?
A few words come to mind when I think of him: fear, beret, cray cray, amazing....
He is ALL of those things and more.

When I first stumbled upon RB, he was mumbling angrily to himself and not trying to say hello to me.  I noted that he was cray cray, but I also noted that he was wearing a beret- and have sinced noted that he has about 5-7 of them in various colors.  RB also wears womens 70's style shades-kinda like the ones I get from H&M...

Exhibit A:

Of course all of this endeared him to me.  I know he is cray cray and would be the FIRST to bring a semi-automatic weapon to the office to kill people, but he is alright with me!!

RB talks angrily to himself and other people most of the time, but he works in the 'receiving department' where grumpily handing people packages is what's good in the hood. 
RB never said a word to me that wasn't package related until around Thanksgiving...

Exhibit B:

Me: (going out on a limb and speaking to RB) Have a great holiday!

Raspberry Beret: Thanks and you do the same [insert my government name here]!

I was left SHOCKED and even more enamored with this crazy man.  How does he know my name??  I mean, I've heard he's brilliant...but seriously, he has never acknowledged my presence.

Mostly people are scared of RB, but we are altogether entertained.  You never know what mood he's in-hour to hour....minute to minute...

Like yesterday he was in a GRAND mood.  He came in talking to himself then made his way to me and Old Homie and was all like: you know Hugh Hefner is the man! he just married a 26 year old.  that's what I'm trying to do!
He then wiggles his eyebrows at me-which would normally make me gag, but I just chuckled at ole RB.  He's my favorite.

Monday, December 3, 2012

As The (Online) Dating World Turns: Chat Swag

I am willing to admit when it's me.  Especially when it's so blatantly obvious.  It's me.  I am too AWESOME.

Finally getting passed the emailing phase- well not getting turned off by bad vocabulary or feeling like I would wake up dead in a refrigerator if I went out with this dude....
Where was I?
Ah, yes. We chatted on the phone like we were 15 n' shit.  It was cute...and I didn't hate him.  He even said: I can't believe I don't know you yet.

Then it was the holiday...and we texted a few times....then I was busy or sleeping...something....and that was that.
I must've stopped texting the now we no longer communicate.  Perhaps my 'chat swag' is lame or I was supposed to text a pic of my vagina or something.  Have no idea what is appropriate in these times.
It also doesn't help that I don't like people...until they give me a reason to like them or to continue on my path of dislike.

So that's that.  I've decided my approach to dating will be as such: a) smile...maybe  b) respond...if I feel like it  c) stop thinking that Idris Elba is going to read my ramblings and feel himself go erect...with a need for me so strong it defies all the ho's who straddle him on the daily.

Oh so I have some definite names for the kittens I am going to get who will grow with me into my menopausal years: Cleopatra Jones, Bojangles, Angelina Jolie, Prince, Edward Cullen and Gator.  That's all I've got so far!

The Place Where I Work: Some Highlights!

I slack, I know!
In any case, here's what's been going on at the work place:

- People love me!  It's hard to believe, I know, but they do.  Now I am being brought on for reals- it's up in the air, but that's where we're headed....sadly this means my work meanderings will be lacking.  Though with the amount of people I work with and come across...maybe not.

- *sigh* Telemundo is MARRIED.  This means my sexual want of him is done and I am able to actual speak to him.  We joke around, we're pals.  I honestly can't even remember wanting to become one with his penis.
I bet you're wondering if there is someone else 'filling' Telemundo's position...the answer is: NO!  Hot dudes are like puppies wearing silk kimonos, rare. 

- The old man with the one arm that I work with is my HOMIE for real.  We are like the sarcastic tag team.  Peeps know that if they come near our area, you better come correct...or you'll walk away crying and your tail between your legs.
I like old people and kids because they have no long as they aren't bratty/crabby assholes.

I'll call him Old Homie.  Here is a typical Old Homie and I scenario.

Dumb Person: Blah blah blah dumb question blah blah

Old Homie: (silence, pretends he is reading something)

Me: (silence, typing like I am really busy but mostly Google chatting)

Dumb Person: (walks back to their desk when they realized they answered their own question)

Old Homie: Knew he would get it eventually.

Me: Still took too long. (we both chuckle)

- There is a chick I call Ratchet.  Ratchet picks and chooses when she'll speak to me- which sometimes irritates me because it's RUDE.  When I say 'hello', bitch say 'hello' back!  Even a kitty mews.  Bleah.
Anyways, I am over it because Ratchet is...ratchet.  If you don't know what ratchet is-GET OFF the internet.

- My walk to work is not only invigorating, it allows me to see some of the most handsome men EVER (I think it's the neighborhood I'm in).  Handsome men.  Not HOT.  Handsome,because they are dressed so nicely..and look like a dude who might cut some wood.  The only thing is, they are truly better than I am.  They dress better- I mean in the morning they look like they slept 8 hours and give a damn.  These fine men smile and nod at me and I just stare at them still half a sleep listening to 'Liberian Girl' (MJ) on my iPod having no clue what the eff is going on...
Hence why I am so hot and so single.

Okay, that is all for now, will try to be more frequent with my work on goings- but with dat bitch Sandy and trying to get through these last months of 2012...ALIVE, it's been HARD.

Thursday, November 22, 2012

Giving Thanks 2012

On this day, as I switch between watching the Godfather and The Chew, and deal with all the delicious smells without chewing my arm off...I am left to reflect on all the things I am thankful for.
We know 2012 has been a muthfucka!-but even in its fistiest of moments (the act of being fisted numerous times with NO LUBE), there have been moments that have reinforced my hope for humanity and myself.  Perhaps I am not THEE most offensive hater in the game because I have some amazing people in my life.

The year was a lesson on loss n' gain.  It proved though, that what you have and what you have gained  outweigh everything!
So....I am thankful to my family, my friends- even the ones I am no longer friends with because they have taught me a lot (like how more awesome I am, hahahah I kid).  I am thankful for the internets for providing me with entertainment and some of the new music that came out.  I am thankful for Bon Chon chicken and wheatgrass powder.  I am thankful for the show The Walking Dead for teaching me how to survive and for Scandal for showing that I do not speak the fastest.
I am just thankful for so many things.  I am thankful for the people who read my writings and get something...anything out of it, if I have helped you because of it, I am thankful for that.

"...I just have all these feelings..." (from the movie Mean Girls)

Thursday, November 1, 2012

Real Talk: Zombie Rats

Shit is real.
2012 has been a really real year.

The zombie apocalypse is coming!  Hurricane Sandy not only killed Karma (Jersey Shore club), it killed rats.  With the flooding of sewers and subway systems, millions of dead, floating rats!  Remember when rats brought about THE PLAGUE.  Well now they are going to bring about the Z virus and the zombies will be tearing the meat from our limbs.
...well not from my limbs because I plan on taking myself out.  I realize that though I am strong, awesome, a person who should survive because people need me- but I know myself.  I don't have the capacity to live through/survive a zombie apocalypse.  Just don't.  The running around, the smells, the fear...I want to worry about manicures and the next episode of Scandal- seriously why do I find Tony Goldwyn so attractive!  In Ghost (movie) I was like-nah.  Now, I am like T.Golds can GET IT...Presidential Style!

This all won't matter though because we will all be eaten by zombies.

Thursday, October 18, 2012

The Place Where I Work: A Problem!

Work is cool, my biggest problem is the hunger in my loins I feel for Telenovela, but other than that it is all cool.
Okay, it's not like my loin hankerings don't make for awesome entertainment, it's just becoming a PROBLEM.  
Breakdown of problem:

-Telenovela comes to the office around 4PM.  Starting this past Monday I started getting REALLY hungry around 3:45PM.  I am attributing my hunger to Telenovela...and also any/all weight gain because I need to put SOMETHING in my mouth.  I was doing well with yogurt...but then I NEEDED M&M Peanuts- hence NUTS. Ugh.
-When Telenovela is frustrated about something or someone, he tends to growl.  To some this would seem cray cray, but with the voice he has and the good looks, it makes me moist.  Plus he has a demeanor of bubbling he is 5 seconds from punching the shit out of someone.
It turns me on.
-I recently had a dream about me and Telenovela.  Three guesses as to what we were doing.......
-With visions of the dream in my head I have to have conversations with this dude.  I am ALREADY kinda awkward when I am attracted, imagine me with nude visions of the dude dancing in my head!!!! It's almost too too much.

So when Telenovela comes around me, I get real weird. His green eyes twinkle with wonder.  It's either that or amusement.

I need to go for a long walk after work....which should help with the snacking weight gain!

Monday, October 15, 2012

As The (Online) Dating World Turns: Real Talk

People think I'm joking when I mention me living that 'spinster realness', but I am. 
A mix of choice, poor timing and there really not being anything- anyone out there.  A lot of lame.  Dudes with no sense of humor or grammar...or they are crazed...or they look at my age and think: my gawd this chick is gonna wanna get married and have kids STAT!
First off, dude, I don't KNOW you and WHY would I wanna do anything more than date you.  Calm down.

Margo (my homie) totally opened my eyes to my BAD luck with online dating- besides me not putting forth the effort- it's my age.  Dude puts: 25-35, but he really means 20- 27.
I was like: but I look about 25.
It doesn't matter though. Aaliyah (RIP) was wrong!  Age is a lot more than a number.  It's another nail in my being an aging woman coffin.  Time to pack it up.  Start knitting and collecting new papers...OMG, I am going to sculpt people out of the newpapers (friends...lovers, perhaps) and knit them clothing!
Well there goes my the rest of my child bearing and non child bearing years. I AM ALLLLL SET.

...then I get to thinking, these dudes that aren't about my AGE for whatever reason and allow it to hold themselves back from my greatness- then fuck 'em.  Not in a good way, but in the way that allows their cocks to burn off and zombie gremlins nibble off their finger tips.

I'm not bitter though.

Friday, October 12, 2012

Dear Joel Kinnaman,

Actually, I was going to write this loving (lusty) letter about how you should pursue me now before you become all BIG TIME after that Robocop movie (remake) comes out.  I say was because this WAS going to happen before I found out you were dating Olivia Munn AKA THE WORST!
There are so many willing, streatchable starlets to screw and you choose the one who's most annoying and has the most mileage.  Sure, I don't know her, but I can just look at her and tell within a 20 second conversation I would punch the shit out of her...or most likely I would angrily squint and just walk away.  Slowly, so that she would know I hear her asking me 'where are you going?' 'what happened?' and am choosing to not respond to her wackness.

Dude, I am judging your fine ass!  JUDGING.  It's one thing to be fucking this chick (who hasn't), but it's another to parade her around, hand holdin' n' shit.  That is laying claim.  I cannot abide such poor I must renig my would be offer of my time and vagina.
I'll just see RoboCop....and well I guess they canceled The Killing, so our love will never be and my lust will dry up and die like the crabs in your girlfriend's pleasure pit.


No Love Up In This Club,

Honey T

Thursday, October 11, 2012

No, Nyet, Nine, Non.

This one time I was watching TV and a commercial for the movie Alex Cross came on.  Tyler 'Madea' Perry is the lead in what appears to be an action drama.  I don't understand how this came to be, but do know that I threw the wrapper of whatever food I was eating on the ground and sighed: FUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCKKKKK Tyler Perry!
I then picked the wrapper up because I am not a sloppy bitch...I am, however, a hater of Tyler Perry.

Listen, I respect his gangsta and that he owns his studio and makes sure a lot of Black actors and actresses work...but at what expense?  For buffoonery?  For stereotypical nonsense?
Poorly written Christian dance parties are what a lot of his films are- cringe worthy.  He tried something with The Family That Preys, but for the most part I wanna punch shit-and don't get me started on his TV shows.

...but hey listen, everyone has to eat.  Everyone deserves to make their own American dream...even if it involves dressing like someones nanna in a lot of your films (see above picture).
THEN you wanna turn around and be an action hero?  An action hero with an ill fro?  You expect me to believe you're gonna kick in that door wavin' a .44 and all I'm gonna say is Madea- *ahem* Tyler don't hurt me no more?
Is there gonna be a sex scene in this flick??  Am I really supposed to believe you're gonna shoot a bad guy with a gun and not just use your purse?? (a la Madea)

Who's idea was it to have Tyler Perry play this action hero?  Seriously, was someone like: hmmm Idris Elba...nah....TYLER PERRY!
Nobody else came to mind??  Even Will Smith's devil spawn (his son Jaden) would have been a better choice...I'd even let Tyrese get a lil shine!

I have many questions and I am gonna need some receipts for alllllll of this!  Until then, imma say 'NO' to seeing this and someones got some explainin' to do!

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

The Place Where I Work: Mucho Culo Episode 3

Mucho Culo
Episode 3: So Wet...

Setting:  It is raining and Honey T is rushing to get into the building where she works.  Once in the lobby, she notices Telenovela.  He immediately notices her and is on her like George Clooney's paws on the latest issue of "Beards Monthly'.  He is dripping wet.

Telenovela: There she is my lil sriracha wrapped in the wing of a dove.

Me: Hiiiiii- wow you're wet...

Telelnovela: That's my line...

Me: So dirty.

Telenovela: You make me this way- you should keep me company while my clothes dry.  You may get wet in the process...misery loves company.

Me: *sigh* I can't, I have a meeting to get to.

Telenovela: Is it with the Pantalones Soceity?


Telenovela: Then that meeting is with me and what's in my pants.

Me: Will there be food served at this meeting?

Telenovela: Only the finest in cured meat guaranteed to fit a lovely spread....


Monday, October 8, 2012

Sweet Dreams: Prince Styles

Before bed I had a cup of green tea, like a proper lady.  Then I went to sleep....and this is what I remember from my dream....

I was on some type of college campus, and it was elaborate- there was a shit ton of ivy!  As I walked about I kept running into Prince, and we seemed to know each other.  He was carrying a cross shoulder messenger bag, wearing jeans that had clouds on them a la Raspberry Beret, a white tunic and black sandals.  He didn't wear shades and his hair was styled as it is in the above pic.
Every time I ran into Prince between classes, he would shrug and do a face I began to call the 'Prince face'...every time I ran into him.  'Prince face' looked more like a 'I don't know face' that people do when they shrug.  I don't know what question I was asking him through telepathy but he had no idea what vibes I was sending him.
Prince paused only when I bumped into him carrying my baby!!! It was a girl, she had a lil fro and the smallest eyes!!  I don't know where she came from, but I know she was my daughter and I was walking around with her.  When I bumped in Prince, he stopped.  He checks out me and then the baby...then he shrugged and did the 'Prince face'.

What does it all mean???!!!

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

The Place Where I Work: Mucho Culo- Episode 2

 Mucho Culo
Episode 2: The Snack Break

Setting: By the vending machines.  Honey T is trying to decide between Famous Amos cookies or a honey bun.  Telenovela sees her and saunters over.

Telenovela: Honey....T

Me: (turn around) Oh hi...

Telenovela: What are you doing with these snacks?

Me: Deciding which of them to eat-

Telenovela: No! (he grabs me, and holds me close against his muscular body)

Me: (breathless) No?!  Are you saying I am fat?!

Telenovela: Only in the best places...(he kisses my neck)

Me: Stop...(giggles) we are in public...and I want some cookies...

Telenovela: I want for only one fresh...

Me: Woah.

Telenovela: Come.  We'll go to our favorite conference room for snack time!


The Place Where I Work: Another Reason Why I'm Awesome...

I work in a large office with various shades of people.  The only other Black people in the office work in the back.  Literally a room with just them.  In the back.
Being that I am awesome, I sometimes go back there and say things like: it sure does smell like friiiied chicken or is that hamhocks in the air??
We all chuckle, and they say that my ambiguous looking ass will be put in there with them in a heartbeat so I better chillll out or at least tell people I am Dominican or something.

Will keep you posted.

Monday, October 1, 2012

The Place Where I Work: New Adventures

...and so a new adventure begins.  I have started a new gig-don't even get me started about what happened at the last place, just know it is all for the better.
I walked away learning new things about myself and people.  Well nothing new, just that when given the opportunity to suck, most people will- and not in a good way.
Since  I have my limits, I left.

The new place I work at is a school- do not lock up your children, I am not a teacher/professor of any sort.  It is amazing and kinda calming to be in a normal environment.  Well seemingly normal.  There is a dude with one arm and a guy who houses the campus cats- I should say I am on a campus.  The guy with one arm has a sculpture of a womans hand on his desk.
These things excite and intrigue me.  As does the dude I call Telenovela.  I call him that because I want to star in a telenovela with him.  That could be a nice way of me saying PORN, but we'll stick with telenovela.
He is sexy as fuuuuuuck and has this voice.  Mostly though, it is his ass.
Our program would be called: Mucho Culo.  There will a lot of wind machines and Telenovela with roses between his teeth.  Have to think up a few scenarios and write them as such....

Mucho Culo
Episode 1: The Meeting

Setting: We are in an office, there is a lovely lady with almondy eyes and plentiful bone of cheek typing away at her computer.  She is probably blogging about her work day.  The doors to the office open, there is wind, and in walks Telenovela.

Telenovela: Hello, who are you?

Me: Honey T...

Telenovela: Mmmm honey.  (he takes my hand and kisses it)  I am Telenovela.  I am a man.  A man who desires you.

Me: I hardly know you.

Telenovela: The heart does not need conversations and Facebook stalking.  Come, let us find a conference room and make love.

Me: Okay...


Wish me luck!

Sunday, September 23, 2012

Good Things I Have Put In My Mouth Lately: Bacon Jam and Smokey Cheese

I love to think I have tasted most of the deliscious things the world has to offer, but then I put something in my mouth and realize: bah! there is so much more to taste!!
This is how I felt when  I bit into the 'bash burger' at Burger &Barrel (New York, NY).

The menu said something about cheese, pickles and bacon jam.  'Bacon jam' made the greedy bitch within perk up, but I had nothing to compare it to.  I mean, it could go either way...but there was bacon involved so it couldn't be all that bad.
Let me tell you something, when I bit into that burger I saw kittens dancing in tutu's to the new Nas album.  It was so good I moaned and shimmied and did not stop to talk until I finished that first burger half.  I didn't even touch the french fries!!
Something with that bacon jam that mixes with the melted cheese and the crisp cool slices of pickle that made my toes curl!
If I ever murder someone and get the death penalty, I am considering this burger as part of my last meal.

I have mentioned before that I am in a grub club.  We are eating our way around the city one ethnicity at a time.  It has been a learning experience.  Sometimes a truly delicious experience- like when you stumble upon a Serbian spot called Kafana (New York, NY).  A club member suggests ordering  smokey meats and cheeses on a panini.  You are down with this simple because you heard: meats and cheeses.

This comes:
I side eye it and then try it.  Again, I moaned and decided that ANYTHING involving smoking anything with meats n' cheeses will be the most delicious thing EVER!  I would eat this for breakfast/lunch/dinner everyday and be a glorious 4,000lbs!!!


Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Holding It Down

One day while going on a spontaneous walk with Margo, we had a conversation about what we would do if we had a ton of money.
I said I would take care of my debt, hook up my family and then buy some amazing property around Brooklyn and possibly lower Manhattan.  I would let my friends live in their own spaces (in my properties) and just pay utilities so that they can save and buy homes wherever.
Then I'll have living spaces for CUNY and SUNY students (only) who meet a certain criteria (they don't have to be hot dudes...mostly) to live in.  As a product of SUNY, I gotta support my peeps.  Plus we never get props like them ivy league bitches.

Since I am about thinking ahead, I have begun my recruitment process by hanging around Kingsborough Community College.  Some would call it 'scheming on dudes', but I would say I am checking out possible scholarship candidates.  For some reason I have been thinking about taking classes, mostly because people think I am student and dudes that go to the college have been inquiring about my course schedule and study dates.
True story.

Semi mid-life crisis party of one!

Conversations with Ice: Disposa-ho!

Ice T (my friend in my head) kinda cornered me into having brunch with him.  It has been a while since we've hung out due to busy schedules.  He threatened to send Kanye after me, so I conceded to a Saturday brunch at Bubby's in DUMBO.  Ice enjoys the views and I enjoy the biscuits.

Ice T:

So... (I put some jam on my biscuit)

Ice T:
T, what the eff is going on with you?

A lot.

Ice T:
You gonna gimme one word answers or are we going to have a conversation?

Oh! I finally saw 'Art of Rap', it was very well done, son.

Ice T:
Flattery will not get you out of me calling you out for being flakey- but thanks.

Simmer down.  Have you tried the biscuits?

Ice T:
(stares at me a while, then slowly eats a biscuit)
These things are legit. Now quit fuckin' around...

Hi hater.  (Ice grills me) Okay, okay!  So I left my job...

Ice T: 
Oh snap!  That deserves a toast...(we clink our mason jar glasses)

Yeah, felt I disposed of myself.  Like Sonny says: nobody cares.

Ice T:
Nice Bronx Tale reference- wait, you were a disposa-ho!  (we hi-5)

Much like the women in your life prior to Coco...and your first wife...

Ice T:
Way to ruin a moment with life facts.

It's how I do.  Did you go to Obama's fundraising dinner at 40/40?

 Ice T:
Nope, did you?

Wow, how boring we've become.  Kanye done made a ho a housewife, and we are now brunch buddies- we've gone soft, Ice.

Ice T:
Maybe we're just content.  It's okay to be content.  Don't always have to be hungry.

What about angry? Can I be a lil angry- and I am not all content, there are still things I need to accomplish...

Ice T:
There are only so many bowls of dicks peeps can eat at a time, so it'll take time to accomplish your worldwide goal of peeps eating a bowl of dicks-

That's why there are vats and buckets.

Ice T:
For the few, like myself, that you don't want to dine on dicks- be content.  Enjoy the quiet moments of life.  you've got great people in your life, and you know what...

Ice, imma need more biscuits for all these sweet, sweet shit you're spittin'.

Ice T:
I was just about to say you're pretty fantastic, but I'll say you're fantastic when you shut the fuck up and let people drop knowledge bombs on that ass!


Monday, September 17, 2012

As The (Online) Dating World Turns: So, I was in a relationship...

Yep.  There I was, unbeknownst to myself or anybody else, in a relationship!  Full of romance, crazy and slightly insane.  Also, short lived.

It all began about a month ago when I was exchanging emails with this guy.  He seemed to have great taste- he thought I was fantastic.  I found his ability to write complete sentences appealing. He asks for my digits so we can go out, which is made even more exciting by the fact that we live in the same area.
He has my number and the texting begins.  Now, I am trying to live in 'modern' (aka asshole) times and concede that someone texting to ask you out is 'okay'.
I still prefer calling.

Dude continues texting me.  He comes up with plans with no set time- so I am expected to wait until he is available.
I don't have time for that shit.  Call it whatever you want, but if you ask someone out and make a plan, follow-through.  It's real simple.
I also don't wait around well...I mean for friends n' fam, but dudes I don't know or care about, not so much.

I stop responding to the dudes text- he was all like: we'll hang out soon, blah blah.  I lost interest so I continued with my lack of response.
Then finally because I am (trying to be) a better person, I text dude something along the lines of: hey, we haven't met up and it's not going to happen. time to move on, good luck with your journey.
It was real nice-and I am not being sarcastic.  Just wanted the guy to stop texting me.

He doesn't stop texting.  He says I am being a 'typical Gemini' all impatient.  He still wants to meet me and says he didn't try to meet to soon because he was afraid that would scare me off.  I let him know that when you don't know someone and want to get to know them that entails spending time with them.  Why else would we exchange numbers.
He agrees and says let's meet that day.
I let him know I have plans for the rest of my life and it is all good.  All good may be my nice way of saying 'fuck off'. Who knows?  (hahhahaha)
He says I should stop being upset and just go out with him.
I let him know that I do not care enough to be upset, and that he should move on.
He continues to text me.  I stop responding.

It starts out with a daily asking me out- he's back to making plans.  I don't respond.
He then goes to every other day, just checking up on me.  I don't respond.
He then waits a week and texts something about how I am spoiled lil Gemini (aww someone into astrology as much as I am) who didn't get my way and NOW I don't get to meet him anymore and my life will suck.
I don't know if he has met me in 2012, but been there and done that buddy.  Me and suck are old friends from way back.
I still don't respond.

Then I stop hearing from him and I think I am HOME FREE!  While I am out drinking margaritas one night he texts the simple sentence: i hate u
My friend Ru let's me know this dude had a WHOLE relationship with me- that I didn't know about- and now it is OVER.  That shit blew my mind!  Here I thought dude was just crazy.  I mean he is crazy, but he also caught some feelings without even meeting me!
This proves how awesome I am.  More importantly, I finally think it's over between us.  Ru says that hate is always the final step so I should be good.
I think I'll mourn this relationship with some ass shaking tonight.

Needless to say I have signed off the online dating site.  Back to meeting crazy dudes on the train.

Friday, September 14, 2012

Weird Dreams: Weekend House Party

Please note: I did not eat anything weird, nor did I drink anything weird.  I watched an episode of Felicity (season 1) before drifting off to sleep so I don't know how THIS happened.

The dream...

I am in a very large, nicely furnished house.  It is in England.  Not sure where in England, but I am in England.  There are people everywhere.  People I know in my awake life and people I don't know at all.  There is music and food, and it is daylight.  Like Instagram on 'valeria' setting daylight.
After making out with LL Cool J -so effing random!!-I make my way through the party some more and see Kanye West sitting in an easy chair watching the tele.  He looks pissed.  As I go to see what is on the tele, I stub my toe on a low coffee table.  My middle toe.  There is blood.
Kanye looks unamused and leaves the room.
The rest of the party I am trying to stop my bleeding toe.  Various people are helping me. All have accents- and did I mention there were children at this party??  One little girl goes to give me a bandaid and tells me that Kanye is going around saying that my toe isn't hurt that badly.  He is also saying he was offended by my toe!
I get pissed.  I go storming (limping) through the party looking for Kanye to set him straight.  I find him sitting in the backyard, holding court about my toe.  I go up to him and say: Kan-ye, you can suck my toes dick and let its balls teabag your tonsils!
He then sings to me in his autotune voice (because he had a microphone): Suck my diiiiiiiiiiiccccckkkkkk

I just walk back in the house....

The End.


Sunday, September 9, 2012

A Special Treat: 2012 MTV VMA's Sorta Rundown

This is a special treat because I said I would NEVER do a rundown of another MTV awards show...then I found myself watching the 2012 VMA's.  The WHOLE show.  I blame the weather, being hungover and me somehow leaving the remote control out of my reach.
I will rundown what I can remember of the show. No notes were taken.  This is straight off the dome (urban speak for off the top of my head):

 -Rihanna opened the show with some type of Indiana Jones Temple of Skank realness.  I didn't know the song or what was going on.  There was some type of Egyptian theme-we get it Riri 'snakes represent penises and you loves yourself some penises'. 
A lot of dancing.  Balloons.  Meh vocals.  Typical Riri performance.
Now her haircut/wig was the worst!  Why didn't her people tell her she looks just like that tranny from Love & Hop Atlanta Joseline??!!!

Someone should be FIRED!

-So Kevin Hart hosted and I like his stand-up, and what he does in films, but his' took three 8 balls of coke hosting energy' grates on my nerves.  I did like that little people walked him in though.

-Hmmm, did P!nk perform at this point?  Maybe.  All I know is, I need whatever workout she does for her AMAZING legs.  I enjoyed her performance and really always just enjoy P!nk!

-Were Katy Perry and Rihanna dates?  Whatever.  Chris Brown won for Best Male Performance and he was all like: ha ha, fuck you bitches with my dye job.  Drake is just so lame.  Like he rolls to the awards wearing G-Star and speaking for all the biracial nerds out there.  Whatever Drake, you can eat a lunchbox full of dicks!

-Speaking of Drake, one of his lovers Lil Wayne- who also annoys the fuck out of me, was there looking like the dude in your highschool (if you went to public school) who can't seem to graduate-but has to leave once he turns 21.  He still tries to dress all cool and acts all disinterested, but you know he cares that everybody thinks he's a fuckin' fool.  No amount of performing with 2Chainz will make you any less of a dickwad Lil Wayne.

-I was REALLY looking forward to the Frank Ocean performance.  This may have been the only reason why I wanted to check out the VMA's to begin with. 
The performance was totally worth all the times the camera fell on Nicki MiTwat's face and Taylor Swift's 'OMG I can't believe I am here and there are no gummi bear dicks in my mouth' face.
Frank performed my favorite song - Thinkin' About You.  It was moody and just a great performance...


I didn't get the Karate Kid thing, but I liked the stage setup with the bonfire.  Then I couldn't reach the remote so I couldn't turn after his performance.

-GreenDay was cool.  They previewed the latest Twilight movie- YESSSS! 

-Alicia Key's performed.  Listen, loved the haircut-I mean she looked GREAT.  The song and performance I've seen a million times before from Alicia.  I shut my eyes for a little bit...

-Then I hear something about Taylor Swift coming up.  I took a deep breath and conjured up the spirit of my ancestors.  Slowly, I stood and walked about five steps to get the remote and turned to Chopped.  Whew!

All in all, the awards were as blah as my rundown...but I am SO GLAD I got to see Frank Ocean...and I am hoping Rihanna's penis dance works some kind of magic for my winter boo situation.

Monday, August 27, 2012

New Vocab: You Stevie J!

Unfortunately, I have watched a few episodes of Love & Hip Hop Atlanta.  Yes, I hate myself too.
It is a show chockful of lowlifes and fuckery.  The epitome of this being Stevie J.  Stevie J does that face above A LOT.  It is his go to face for everything: telling bitches he loves them, closing deals, telling bitches he ain't messing with nobody else, telling his bros that he is fuckin' all the chicks, etc.

When I call a dude a Stevie J, it just means he's crazy.  Not skin stealer crazy, but just narcissistic-ally psychotic! OR slightly off his rocker.  It won't result in murder, but may result in drama and some juicy stories to tell your friends.

For instance, you meet a guy and immediately he is like you're amazing, let's be exclusive!  You think: woah.  You go along with it though because times are tough.  Two weeks later you bump into your guy making out with another chick and when you confront him, he makes the above face and says he was just answering a question her teeth were asking.
Just laugh and say: you're such a Stevie J.

Your life will be much easier, believe me.  Easier and funnier!

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

As The (Online) Dating World Turns: I Can't...

So I received this message:


Hello what is The deal? You are too funny im.also a tad bit shy but once u get to know me u wont be Able to shut me up anyways read My pro And if u feel me hit me up your definitly My type pretty, funny And from what i can tell from one of your pics swollen all around your hurry up And buy

I sat and stared at it for a bit.  Then tried to re-read it without a sense of grammar or world spelling...and just opened my mind.  To the point where a few bats flew out.
I STILL don't understand what dude was trying to say-but I do like and will use that swollen around the colon line because it is kinda genius.

Though I am not a total snobby bitch, I did not write him back mostly because I value my time and didn't wanna spend many more hours trying to decipher WHAT THE FUCK HE IS WRITING!

I want the NEXT person who looks at me and thinks: why is that fantastic woman single??
Just think back to the latinobear and then look back me with my 15 cats and nod n' smile and pass the bucket of nutella. 

Monday, August 13, 2012

My Thoughts On Olympics 2012

Granted, I didn't get to see a lot of the Olympics, but what I saw left a LASTING impression.
Here are my thoughts on Olympics 2012:

  • I was excited the games were in London- mostly because I would be able to see me old haunts. Ha.
  • The opening ceremony left me confused, sad and mystified.  The only thing I was okay with was checking out the dudes from all the countries and noting who was doable!  Then there was David Beckham in a suit.  Not speaking.
  • Male gymnasts became my new thing!  Sure they are mostly short and possibly gay, but damn are they flexible n' FINE.  
  • Male swimmers are just as delightful!  That lil hip movement when they first leap in the water...the shoulders...them speedos!  
  • Male divers....the showers after they dive.  Yes, please!
  • Male track n' field hurdlers, runners, anything to do with tight shorts and thigh muscles...
  • Then the male rowing team got on my radar when that pic of one of the rowers (still don't know his name only the shape of his penis) propped up penis caused a major stir!  Was it erect or at rest?!  Many a sleepless night this caused...
  • Oh women won a lot of gold medals...volleyball...Gabby Douglas- the fact that her hair was ridiculed made me so angry and want to punch things.
  • I got into wrestling, though the dudes were hairy, but that one dude from India was my favorite!
  • Rhythmic gymnastics!!!!!! All.Day!!!
  • The closing ceremony was SAVED by George Michael, Spice Girls and BRAZIL!  When they brought Pele out I fell off the couch- 2016 is going to be CRAY!!  If Amy Winehouse were still alive and 'off the stuff' she would've been another great addition to that lackluster closing ceremony.  #Russel Brand came out of an orgy van of ugly to sing!
So, overall...I cared mostly about the men in very little clothing getting all sweaty or wet.  I am deep.

Thursday, July 26, 2012

My Thoughts on The Dark Knight Rises

That is the word that comes to mind when I think of Christopher Nolan's Batman trilogy.  Admittedly, it took me a minute to jump on the bandwagon.  My brother had to FORCE me to watch Batman Begins before I even thought about seeing The Dark Knight.
I don't know why I had to be forced because I mean... Liam Neeson, some sword fighting...bats- SOLD.
....actually I blame Joel Schulmacher (sp) for ruining Batman for me.  I'll throw Val Kilmer in that vat of dicks too.  The OG Batman with the Prince soundtrack and Micheal Keaton is my favorite!
Now Nolan's Batman series is added to the 'favorite' pile.
OH, my Batman love runs deep-way back to Adam West and Eartha Kitt as Catwoman to the 'art deco-y' cartoon- I think I even had a crush on that animated Bruce Wayne.  I was young and freaky.

So, my journey to this stage of Batman had it's many highs and lows.  Batman Begins got me open.  The Dark Knight just took it the next level.  The Dark Knight Rises tied it all together in a gritty bow and almost made me want to become an actor again or bone an actor again.
The thought of Anne Hathaway as Catwoman did make me hesitate, but dayum, she killed it!  No, she wasn't Michelle Pfeiffer who SLAYED that shit, but she didn't make me wanna punch her...which is really all you can ask.
I also didn't expect to want to bone Joseph Gordon Levitt!...but I did!  Truly didn't give 1/8 of a fuck about that dude prior to this movie, now I am all like 'hayyyyyyyyyyyyy J Lev'.
One would think the 'loin slayer' would've be Tom Hardy aka Bane, but he creeped me out with that voice he used-which I can do very well!

The shooting that took place in Colorado made seeing the movie an unnerving experience.  Bags were checked, cops were all around, and then when the scene in the movie occurred where that crazy asshole shot up those people-it made me numb.
That along with the strong themes of 'sometimes asshole will win a little but mostly they won't'.  That had special meaning to me, especially after a trying week at work.

This was the worst review ever (I know), but know that the movie was EPIC and 'hayyyyyyyyyyyyyy J Lev'!

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

New Vocab: Ho Stroll

Wow, it has been a bitch wearing spiked heels and kicking you in the vagina-which would hurt if you have a vag.  Sure, there have been amazing moments, but then there are moments that I've needed to cope using varying degrees of alcohol consumption.  Alcohol, laughter with a friend(s) and fresh air...

Ho Stroll.

A Ho Stroll is basically me and my peeps stopping at our new jumpoff...that I am going to be very icognito about because I love this place and if I see a bunch of assholes wasting my flava, imma go 2012 on dat ass!
...okay, so the jumpoff is this amazingly cheap Mexican hole in a wall that allows you to take your frozen margarita TO GO!  Flavored frozen magaritas.  Plastic cup. Straw.  TO GO!

We grab our dranks, choose a direction and begin our stroll!  It almost always involves us stopping and saying to each other: I am so drunk right now.
Sometimes we make passes at sexy people, and most of the time we just have deep talks about life.

Ho Stroll's are a great way to enjoy a summers day...and I am going to try to make a winter Ho Stroll with some hot cocoa...and nips of Bailey's or somethin' because the KEY to a Ho Stroll is alcohol.  I mean, you need people and legs to walk with, but alcohol is needed.  All the elements to a Ho Stroll are pretty key and much needed.
People, drank and walking.

Ho Stroll, make it happen!

Sunday, July 8, 2012

As The (Online) Dating World Turns: Fuck I Look Like...

So this dude wrote me and was all like: you don't look your age.

Did I:

A) write him back: you don't look tall, dark or handsome so cheers, bitch!

B) throw shit and then write him back: fuck you!

C) go whoopee! and then write him back: oh thank you! please place yourself inside of meeeee!!!!

D) shrug my shoulders and say to myself: and I know this bitch, I am fly!

If you said D, then you were CORRECT!

I could really give a fuck, but I know now that I am in my spinster years, dudes will treat me accordingly.  Thinking I am desperate or seek some type of approval.  Little do they know, that is not the case and I am still the same ole G who looks 24/25 and acts like an old gay dude who lives on Marthas Vineyard in a BIG house....bitch.
I am mad uppity and have no time for the bullshit.

Monday, July 2, 2012

When In Rome...

....or in Buffalo and you have a hotel room with HBO- so you watch TrueBlood.  Now that I am all caught up-I still feel it sucks- but I kinda wanna see what happens.  Plus, Alcide aka Big Dick (Magic Mike) aka Joe Magniello is on the show and he just delights my loins.

Yeah, I saw Magic Mike.  I knew it would be pointless, but I expected/hoped for some literal dick swingin'.  There was none.  Just an attempt at a deep plot and MATTHEW EFFIN' MCONAGHEY being fucking greasy and annoying.  Channing Scrotum is still beady eyed and gross to me, but HE CAN GET IT.  Put a burlap sac over his face and masking tape his mouth shut, and then enjoy the RIDE! 
Giddy up.
It is was not the worst movie ever....but it was a close second or third.

Monday, June 25, 2012

The Killing So Far-Actually The Season Finale That Made Me Sad

Wow.  Just wow. 
The moment we have all been waiting for...finding out who the hell killed Rosie Larson!  And boy did we find out.  
That lil weasel Jaime...and Rosie's friggin' sketchy aunt. AHHHHHHHHH.

Don't know if I feel just sad.  Je suis triste.  Not only will there be no Stephen Holder for MONTHS (or until Robocop comes out), but it was all just sad.

You know what else is sad?  The fact that I am not watching TrueBlood anymore- not just because I don't have HBO, but because I saw the first episode and was like: meh.
I'll probably NetFlix the season and then want to punch shit.

For now I am going to find a flight jacket a la Holder and go gambling at Mohegan Sun.

Tuesday, June 19, 2012


Remember how I have my White Boy Summers- because they tan n' shit, well a friend made me an amazing tee shirt that says: *ahem* White Boy Summer
A tongue in cheek way of 'letting them know'.  So I am wearing my shirt with my jeans rolled up and some heels- basically I am lookin' mad cute, yo.
I bump into this very attractive dude who happens to be Black aka African American aka not White.  He check me out.  Looks at my shirt.  Shrugs and then says: nice shoes.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!  I have shot myself in the foot (vag) yet again.  Cockblocked myself- AGAIN!

Wish me luck....

Monday, June 11, 2012

Listen Up!

that's right, I'm on a podcast with ma peeps  Quintin and Dyesha.  we are funny and the music is rullll (real) good.

Good Things I've Put In My Mouth Lately: Summa, Summa Eats

Ahhhh, alas it is somewhat summer in New York City- I say somewhat because the weather has been real iffy leaving me and my tan out in the cold.  Brrrr...
The eating though is always good.  Grilling n' chilling, are the kinda things I like to get into.  I don't grill myself, unless you count the George Foreman grill...can they do a Chopped (Food Network AMAZING show) with all the contestants using a George Foreman grill.  Would keep things interesting and the meat COOKED.
So, I kicked off my summer aka Memorial Day weekend in the Virginia/Washington D.C. area.  Just being all patriotic n' shit. 
My mom and cousin love this spot called Busboys and Poets in Shirlington, VA.  My mom practically orgasms (gross) at the mere mention of their shrimp and grits.  I of course ordered that along with a cucumber and gin cocktail.  I think there was some agave in there too.  Maybe everything was organic- yes, organic vodka- because I like to be THAT GAL at times.  In any case, I have been BIG into cucumber drinks- perhaps it's my summer thing.  Just find them so refreshing and delightful.  Even the non-alcoholic ones.  For instance, Jane (West Village/Soho area, NYC) makes this amazing cucumber ginger ale soda!  I dream about it sometimes....

My shrimp and grits came and I was pleasantly surprised.  The grits were was the shrimp...and there was this sauce with corn and asparagus. Absolutely delish!  Momma knows.

One day my friend Ruddy (of Ruddy Was Here) G-chatted me that he had a taste for some chicken and waffles.  The next thing I knew, he planned a brunch at this diamond in the ruff Smithfields (Chelsea, NYC).  This is why we are friends.  He talks about it and be's about it!
Then of course he got nervous that because no one had been to this spot- it just may suck.  Thankfully the crew he invited were all open minded and greedy mofo's.  Smithfields is a sports bar and restaurant, but doesn't fit that usual 'grungy' vibe- there is exposed brick and a real comfy yet clean feel.  Being who we are, we decided to order appetizers as a way to get us...wet for the chicken n' waffles brunch!  We all saw shrimp buns on the menu and we all ordered them...and begrudgingly shared them with 1 other person.

Them shrimp buns were SUCH a good choice.  We didn't want them to end.  Those who ate slow almost got jacked for their piece of shrimp bun- that's how REAL it was. 
There was a coconut battered shrimp, with some chili sauce and a jicama slaw.  Ahhhhhhhhh I want 4 of them NOW!

Then the chicken and waffle came with more slaw AND house made cardamom maple syrup.  EFFING DELIGHTFUL!  The chicken was seasoned, the waffle was crisp and chewy.
Sometimes new places surprise you and this was a great find!-plus you can watch soccer which means SOCCER THIGHS.

Sunday, June 3, 2012

F&F's Get The Mind Right When The World Is Wrong

I can finally almost say that my brain is slowly exiting the fogged-out zone that happens when 'life things' happen to ya.
My fogged-out zone involved some drinking, massive brain farts (like going a whole day wearing my shoes on the wrong feet) and not remembering a lot, but I remembered something the other day AND stopped myself at 2 margarita's last night- so this leads me to believe I am on my way to the up n' up.
Then there are the un-dull feelings.  You know when you actually feel something and not numb or like you don't care at all.  Aww, to care- to feel a part of this life, is a great feeling.
Two things made me FEEL again.  Fear and disgust. I felt them both strongly when I heard about the zombie attack in Florida.  That was fear because one of my really real fears are zombies and the impending zombie apocalypse.
Then I heard that Beyotche` said Jay-Z aka Ultimate CamelToe was her first.  No, not the first rapper she heard rap or the first man to pat her weave...with his dick- no, I mean her FIRST LOVER.  Meaning that she is saying that she was a VIRGIN!
I cannot with this chick.  Disgusted by her insistence that she is not a whore- okay, she tries to come off like she's perfect.  I guess she didn't get the memo that NO ONE is perfect and nobody cares! Ugh.
She also didn't have that baby...

After much prodding/pushing/practically dragging me kicking and screaming last night because I bitch up- I gave this HOT dude my number. He cooks and BAKES.   Sure he may never call, but taking a bite out of life and putting yourself out there is great. 
Also a great way to get out of the fog.

F&F's, friends and family, they are the BEST.

Monday, May 14, 2012

Dwelling in the Awkward, Surreal and the Weird

Last Monday my dad died.
I have been repeating that in my head since last Monday.  Whispering it to myself at odd moments.  Thinking it to myself when I am alone and when my eyes moisten with tears I am brought out of this place where I feel like I am perpetually under water.

For the last couple of years I haven't been that close to my dad.  It was me and my reasoning-and I have no regrets. Our parents are people.  Flawed and sometimes insufferable, people.
My dad's heart...body was weakened by strokes, seizures- and after many hospital visits, and my repeated begging for him to really take care of himself.  I helped him, but he didn't want my help.  He didn't wanna hear me.  So, I had to be okay with forgiving my dad, but not having him in my life.
On Monday when his weakened heart couldn't take it anymore, I had to be okay with it.
 The story is longer than this, but we know how I only sprinkle my blog with very little deeply personal things.  It keeps an air of mystery -and the man that will eventually handcuff me to a radiator to steal my skin...from knowing all the right buttons to push prolonging his torture.

Last Monday my dad died.
He was my daddy and my brothers.  Those are the memories I have and hold dear.  Regardless of anything, everything- he was my daddy and I will have him in my heart.  I will try not to dwell on the things we will never experience.
I will have my memories.  I will learn from his mistakes.
I will miss him.  I will be okay.

Monday, April 30, 2012

The Killing So Far: I Really Really Love Holder

Okay, I am going to be real honest and say I don't know what the FUCK is going on with The Killing so far. I just know I was okay with the Mayor being the killer...then I was okay with him not being the killer...and now I am just scared.
There are all these secrets and Stan is not Rosie's father...and Midge ran away to have sleepovers with a Rosie stand-in- OH and that awkward kiss with Stan and Midge's sister! That was almost too too much- but then there's Holder.  He always keeps me coming back.

I mean I was worried when Holder got back on the wagon and listlessly boned that chick in his car, but now he is back on it-and by it I don't mean meth, I mean on being awesome at life.
Back to making wise crackin' remarks ...and making sushi.
On a Tuesday night he unwinds by listening to a lil  E-40 and making homemade sushi.  In his hoodie.
Okay, I made up the E-40 part, but I seriously love this man.  LOVE.

As for how the show is going- I am not giving it the side eye as much as I am giving that amused smirk Holder gave that kid that asked him this question: do you know you're White?

This better be good The Killing.

Sunday, April 29, 2012

As The (Online) Dating World Turns: Again.

Okay, before you go and call me a fickle, cray cray beatch- let me explain myself.
A week or so ago I went to a friends surprise birthday brunch where there was another surprise- a psychic.  Though I am not all into these types of things, I do find them interesting.
A curiosity always gets me.  Not that I feel they will tell me something true and don't read my facial cues or read into questions I ask.
Then there's consistency.
So, I of course chat with the psychic who tells me that I am in rut-which was true.  I didn't even ask her anything, I just sat down.  She then mentioned me needing to buck the fuck up and pull myself out of this funk- which wasn't her wording but it is something I can do.
She said I tend to be aloof and keep people at a distance and am slowly becoming a a spectator of my own life.  WOW.
I was stunned and stung by the truth.  My whole reclusive thing is not good for me or  the 1 marriage and 2 kids I am supposed to have.  What?
She was the second psychic to tell me that.  I'll believe it when lil Idris Jr. is getting pushed out of my tender loin caves.

Now, I didn't sign back on to online dating because I feel this will get me married and working on them kids. That would be cray cray.
I am back on because I have been a recluse and just bleah socially, so it is a way for me to get out there a little and try not to become the angry women living with 15 cats who tries to feed the neighborhood children poisoned foods.

Alright I have said this before, I know.  It is 2012 though and it is time to be about shit!....and by shit I mean the shitty dudes I am bound to meet on the internet.

Monday, April 23, 2012

Conversations With Ice: 50 Shades of Lame

My good friend (in my head), Ice T, is reading the much talked about book 50 Shades of Grey. Wait, let me set the scene- I walk into a steakhouse on Park Avenue to find Ice reading 50 Shades of Grey while sipping on a single malt whiskey.
It was fantastic.

Me: (my mouth is agape for a bit) Ice...

Ice T: T! Wassup? Have a seat...

Me: Um...what are you reading?

Ice T: Oh that fucking book everyone's talking about..

Me: Yes...I see...

Ice T: Imma get me a steak. Porter house. Get you something-have you read this?

 Me: I read the whole trilogy in one weekend.

Ice T: No wonder you been all hostile. This book makes you wanna do things- to me and Coco, this is a Dr. Seuss book.

Me: I bet. I just can't believe you're reading this-and sure it made me angst-y, but no more than usual.

 Ice T: You read all 3 of these books in one weekend. Either you need to get laid or the books double as a cock piece...

Me: Why can't you just call it a dildo?

 Ice T: Cuz cock piece sounds manlier.

Me: Did you read Twilight?

Ice T: Fuck no! Once I read the first chapter and that vampire dude didn't take that young, warm, girl and make her a vampire and then fuck her....I lost interest. 

 Me: It was more for women, we like that whole chaste shit sometimes...and then we like this. Tie-me-up-fuck-me-down books.

 Ice T: Complex sexy beasts you are...

Me: What about the Hunger Games?

Ice T: A book about some hungry children having to kill each other to eat? Shit, I lived that!

Me: Ugh, you're right Ice. Reading these sexy books made me realize that perhaps I do need someone...

Ice T: Oh you think! You just need to keep your mind right and and keep yourself open. Stop closing yourself off.

 Me: Preach.

 Ice T: Don't placate to me, ass. Hurry and eat your crab cake so I can finish this book!

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Thank You SVU!

Am probably really late with this, but I wanna say a big THANK YOU to Law & Order: SVU for bringing on Harry Connick Jr.. We all know I loves me some Ice, but without Chris Meloni aka Stabler, I felt like a lost kitten led ashtray from its milk.
Now with HARRRRY Connick Jr., I feel I can breathe again!!! We all know I have a weird obsession with Mr. Connick Jr. so pleased am I.

Life is good.

Monday, April 9, 2012

Good Things I Have Put In My Mouth Lately: Thai Grilled Beef Salad

Once in a while I am a Lady Who Lunches. All leisurely-like, carefree, lunching. I tend to wear flats and have glorious hair- mostly because I've slept in a lil and am not rushing to work. A Lady Who Lunches usually does this during the week while everyone else is working.
Well one Friday I met up with my friend Marci and took her for a Lady Who Lunches birthday lunch at Kittichai (60 Thompson Hotel,Soho, New York).
The lunch scene at Kittichai is VERY Ladies Who Lunch and Really Rich Peeps Discussing How They Are Going To Buy Buildings n Shit Lunch- a very serene and classy scene.
A mixologist comes over to take our cocktail orders- it was in the afternoon. Then we decided on an appetizer and entree. I told Marci to go wild because she is my friend and I love her....and it's what Ladies Who Lunch a subtle way.

We chose a grilled beef with long bean salad aka one of the finest things I have put into my mouth lately!
It was a perfect blend of warm and cool...crisp...refreshing...a hint of spice- just flavorful. I could literally eat that salad all day or every other day. This could be the summer look for help with my summer look of straight bikini tops and denim pannie shorts!

Sunday, April 8, 2012

'The Killing' So Far....AKA Oh, How I've Missed You Holder!!

I realized as I watched the season 2 premiere of the The Killing last weekend that I missed me some Stephen Holder (played by the very hot Joel Kinnaman)- sure I like the show as a whole- but Detective Stephen Holder is one of my favorite characters. He's funny, complex and a tender piece of 'white chocolate'....we all know how I feel about some 'white chocolate'.

Holder always looks as if he's 2 steps from taking a hit off a crack pipe-and after tonight's episode he is no steps close and even has sex in his hoodies!
He warms my heart.

Holder is not totally a good guy, but he's not a bad guy either and his knack for amazing one liners make him my favorite!

I'm so glad to have you back Mr. Stephen somebody better figure out who killed Rosie Larson or imma get VIOLENT!

Monday, April 2, 2012

The New Layout!-Have You Checked It??

I mean it's kinda hard to miss- my animated self laying on a tiger-Nigress (the name I have already chosen for the pet tiger I will eventually get)- with her: bitch please face.
My friend Maria Danalakis drew this and truly captured all that is me...and what I could possibly be if I had cute pin-up feet and wore timbs. I don't wear Timberland boots in 'real life' because with a size 10 foot I fear it would come off a tad butch.

To say I love my pic is an understatement, it truly excites me and I may stop being a schlub and start writing more blog entries!

...and hey, if you ever need a lil afternoon pick-me-up/put down, check me out on Twitter: @ChronOfCashmere

Live it up, bitches!

Sunday, April 1, 2012

I Live My Lifetime.

Sometimes I measure whether I am going to do something against past experience...and other times(most) against things I've seen on Lifetime and Law and Order: SVU.
By do something, I mean walk into certain seemingly rape-y, skin stealing, dark room situations. Or anytime I am down South and it's nighttime. There is no dark of night like that of that of the South.
One of my goals besides becoming a best selling author and sipping from a champagne bottle whilst walking along a street in Paris wearing on a chinchilla shawl and heels- is not having my life become one of those tragic Lifetime movies or an episode of SVU.
...though if they were to make a Lifetime movie about my tragic end, it would star Rosario Dawson and be called: Luck of the Draw. It will be the tragic tale of a girl so enraptured in her world of music (via headphones) and Drawsomething, that she doesn't notice the swarmy skinstealer who gets on the train and eventually kills her and takes her lovely skin. The final scene will be of my epic Drawsomething of a sandwich that will go up at MoMa.

We already know I tend to over think things, but it is who I am- the crazy part is that I truly believe that avoiding certain situations by thinking up scenes I remember from Lifetime and SVU- and dealing with the reality that there are no real Stabler, Benson or Finn's who will care enough to make sure my assailant will PAYYYYYYYYYYY for my injustice-is valid.

It's not all death and mayhem though, I plan on learning a lot from the movie turned series: The Client List. Jennifer Love Hewitt returns to give her small town friends hubby's hand jobs in the back of a nail salon! YES! I plan to learn lessons about how to keep my man SATISFIED (said with a snap in a Z formation).

This can also be added to the Reasons Why I'm Single list.

Monday, March 26, 2012

Good Things I Have Put In My Mouth Lately: Iced. Aztec.

Between this post and the one before about delectable eats- people might think that I am gaining a lot of weight and actually reaching my 800lb goal. Not yet.
Balance, it's called once in a while treating yo'self. Sometimes you just gotta have a slightly spicey iced hot cocoa the one the one I had at MarieBelle (Soho, NYC).
This is a game changer! It will not change my game though. I have enough will power to not have another till May...but damn will I think about this drink everyday. Everyday! until it touches my lips again.
It is so good. Good is not enough to describe how delicious this drink is.

....please just go and have one and then tell me all about it so I can live vicariously. Picture me in a tankini rocking back n' forth reliving your story while sipping on a yogurtless smoothie.


Saturday, March 17, 2012

Good Things I Have Put In My Mouth Lately: Decadence

We have all gathered I enjoy eating. I also love trying new things especially when I think they are going to be delicious- or am told they are going to be delish.
This is what happened when I ventured to Queens with my food club for Bolivian food. I was told: YOU NEED TO HAVE THE SALTENAS!
Notice it was pluralized, because like dick, you can't have just one!

So, I made sure we ordered the Saltenas-which are Bolivia's answer to empanadas...but on some next level shit. I cannot begin to describe how I dream of these things and just how good they are.
Where can you get them? Go to Queens- which is the ONLY place you will find Bolivian spots. I am not reccommending the spot we tried because it was a bit sketchy, though the food was delicious, it is NOT guaranteed the place is still open.

Look at them all waiting to be eaten....they fill my dreams now...

There is like a stew inside of them! A delicious stew that never leaks from that corn based casing. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.....

Where am I?
Ahh, I am thinking back to the Sunday my book club (yes, I am the supremest of nerds with my clubs) met up to discuss the book New York. It is a fictional tale of the history of New York. Pretty cool...
We commemorated the book by going to Fraunces Tavern (Lower Manhattan, NYC)- which is pretty historical, it is the place where Washington (as in our first president George) met with his peeps. It felt mad old in there, but it was very nice!

There were endless mimosa's, bellini's and blood mary's...and then these!

Sure, they may look like some regular ole challah french toast, but DAYUM they were just so delightful!! I don't know if Martha Washington was up in there making a batter-all I know is that you should go there (Fraunces Tavern) for brunch and get them.
You'll thank me.