Wednesday, April 30, 2014

Brrrr Bitch Brrrrrr

Here I sit sipping an Oprah chai latte- HOT- because I have had a chill in my bones since this morning.  You see on this day before May, it is COLD.  COLD AND WET.  WET AND COLD.  I have refrained from blogging about the Polar Vortex we were/have been in because what else can be said?  Also, it made me depressed.
Now we are here in Spring where I am used to just looking like a teary eyed coke head #allergies but at least it was WARM (er).  Now I look like a coke head with a jaw click because I AM SHIVERING because I AM COLD!
The fuck is going on??!!! Who did we piss off???  Why am I trying to pair Spring-like colors with a bubble coat??  (except that one is AWESOME and I would wear it all the time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#VersaceVersaceVersace)

I mean my soul feels like most of its questions have been answered now because of this Oprah chai latte but mostly I feel defeated.
I just don't understand this and I want it to STOP.  Cease. Halt.  End Now.

Monday, April 28, 2014

I Think This Dude Is Into BW....

There is this dude who lives in my neighborhood who is into big women.  Not thick women- BIG/fat women.  Now this has nothing to do with me for I have no concern with who he enjoys bouncing on his meat pipe, but when he was staring so hard at my thighs that he practically walked into me- this became a HUGE concern for me.
Let's work through this together. shall we...

I first noticed this dude on the train one day because we got on the at the same stop and thought he had an interesting face- interesting because he looked like a boxer.  Then I see him coming from the neighborhood boxing gym one day and patted myself on the back for my amazing observation skills.  Don't know why this guy stood out to me because I have no vaginal interest in him, but I enjoyed coming up with a story in my head where he came to the States hoping to be the next Ivan Drago but his boxing career never took off and now he works at the boxing gym training young punks hoping to find one to invest in and fulfill his fallen dreams.  He is also a part time bouncer at a club in Chelsea.
The character in my head is peacefully aggressive.  He spends his alone moments watching episodes of the Honeymooners and doing a People magazine crossword.
I would forget about him until I'd see him on the train or around the neighborhood.  Just giggling to myself as I imagined him frustrated at not being able to  figure out this crossword fill in the blank: "__________!" for Beyonce` this water sport means something completely different.
Then I started seeing him around the neighborhood with various women.  All full figured, plump, ripe n' fertile, blonde, red head, brunette-but mostly they were NEVER below a size 14.
I was intrigued....and then I didn't care.  It is never a BIG deal for anyone to be with someone because they are not skinny, I was intrigued mostly because he was NEVER with the same woman which led me down a path of a Craiglist ad....

M for W 30ish- Seeking A Woman Who Eats All of the Cake

Hi.  I am all hard and need someone soft to cushion this blow of life.  What I am saying is I like my women like I like my easy chairs-plush.  Be serious when you message me- be serious about eating with me and burning calories with me without your clothes on.  
No skinny girls!

Now I never said he was a poet just peacefully aggressive.  Again though, the caricature of the dude I have created in my head wrote this, so perhaps in real life he is dripping in swaggu.
Who knows?
All I know is I was like 'whatever' until homie almost walked into me...because he was staring way too hard at my thighs.  It's all good until I am considered 'large' 'plump' or 'zaftig'.  Being complex...slightly superficial and vain has its many ups and downs.  This mutha fucka was totally considering my thighs!  All the walking and 'surboarding' I have been doing must NOT be paying off-until his eyes traveled up the rest of my bod resting at my hips, midsection, then face- when he apologized for practically invading all of my personal space- he then smiled and shook his head as if I wouldn't do at all.
I am not hurt by this, I just need to understand if my thighs seem too large for my figure...if there's a jiggle I should be concerned with...WHAT had him so transfixed so I can start doing lunges or something.

This is also teaching me to perhaps pay less attention to him so that he doesn't think I wanna be part of his  Dick Team.  It won't stop me from picturing the cute blonde he was with when I saw him yesterday-I pictured them standing on the boardwalk at Brighton Beach (Brooklyn) and he him looking at her when she didn't know he was.  He loves the way the wind plays in her hair and how she scrunches her nose when a wayward strand tickles it.  He knows their time together will be short, but he enjoys these moments.  Suddenly he stops and lifts her up and twirls her around, loving the way her full breast are gently tapping him on the chin and how she gently swats at his shoulders....

*sigh* I just have to maybe not make any eye contact with him or look in his general direction when I am further developing his character.

**Please note that I KNOW I have been slacking in the blog department and I am trying to make that up to you with this offering a perhaps another today. Yay!**

Friday, April 11, 2014

The Place Where I Work: FIGHT, FIGHT!

I work a long day and require a snack.  Since I am trying to maintain my fitness and bangability (not like the larger me wasn't gettin' it either, but the smaller me is more flexible and looks better in a fishnet catsuit), yet require something sweet & creamy most times, I get a smoothie.
So I go to my smoothie spot where everyone knows my name.  Sometimes The MexiCan and I go down there to chat and stare creepily at Magnolia as we walk by it.  We leer really.
There we are staring at the kale, various fruits and ginseng-trying to tell ourselves 'it's all worth it'.  Suddenly the guy making the smoothies and the guy behind the register start having words.  Just as I was comprehending that, the dude behind the register started taking shirts off and was offering to go outside.
Y'all know there is fresh squeezed carrot juice around...and CUSTOMERS.
This doesn't stop them from throwing fruits, juices, tip jars, etc. at each other.  I stood frozen because things were happening so quick.  The MexiCan had to pull me out of harms way...JUST AS the smoothie making dude pulled out a butcher knife and went after the now barely shirted register guy.
To this day (this happened on Tuesday), I don't know what happened or how NOTHING hit my head.

I didn't wind up getting a smoothie that day.  
I did learn that I can freeze up, usually in those kind of situations I know to get the EFF OUT- any born n' raised New Yorker knows how to avoid a 'pop off', but I think I was in my chill smoothie mode and just couldn't comprehend any type of violence ruining that moment.

In other news, things are still intense with The Vamp.  I happened to be out by reception as he was leaving on Monday and he totally ignored the receptionist and stared at me like I was a neck pumping full of blood.  He said a very intense ' good night' and I couldn't walk straight for an hour.  I can't even bring myself to draw post-its because it WAS THAT INTENSE.

I need a nap.

Thursday, April 3, 2014

The Times I Went To See About Last Night, Non-Stop and Two Movies In Francofest

I love how it always takes me so long to review things that it looks like I stays in the movies.  Tis not the case...until the summer because of all the AC.

I went to see About Last Night....

I wanted to see this, but just didn't know when it would happen.  Then I was supposed to journey to Williamsburg (which we know is not the move for me) but the trains were not running their normal shitty, they were EXTRA shitty.  That was when it was decided that a lil laughter n' romance were needed.
The movie is real cute!  It is a remake- which I never saw- and done quite well.  The most shocking thing was how UNATTRACTED to Michael Ealy I have become.  I used to SWOON for that high yella stallion- but now he seems to be all teeth and eyes.  I dunno.
I give this movie three titty shimmies and one bankhead bounce.

Next up is Non-Stop...

My friend Ruddy and I wanted to see this because- Liam Neeson!  Julianne Moore and Lupita Nyong'o are in it as well.  There is also some chick from Downton Abbey- which I don't watch so I gave zero fucks about her.
I am so here for Liam Neeson action films- he makes you believe he can do all the impossible shit he does in the film simply because it's Liam.  He's got the brogue and that 'I don't take no shit' demeanor- listen if I was any where near Liam Neeson I would feel safe.
Though it had its unbelievable moments, it was entertaining.  An EPIC plane ride, so epic, I won't be flying for a WHILE. (thanks Non-Stop and flight 370)
I give this movie two Ciara crotch grinds and two Magic Mike crotch swirls.

And lastly I caught two movies in Francofest....

If you guess Francofest had anything to do with James Franco then you would be CORRECT!  The all around artistic fuck had directed a few movies and decided to have a festival!  I saw two films (all I would be able to stomach anyways) a doc about Brad Renfro and Idaho.  The documentary I was into and the Idaho film I could've sat in a dark room alone with a stuffed teddy bear and been aight.
Mostly, I went to Francofest because m'girl Nicole invited me and also because I thought that because James was speaking after the screening that he would eventually pull out his penis.  That of course didn't happen, so I felt empty and dissatisfied.
I give this a Miley Cyrus twerk and stubbing your toe on your coffee table hop.