Saturday, December 31, 2011

More or Less in 2012

Oh 2011 you flip floppy bitch!
A year of interesting palindromes and changes. A roller-coaster year. I can't say I am sad to see it go, but then again I have seen so much growth within myself and people around me, but then there's been the hard shit.
Have to say, the hard shit might be okay because it keeps one from being a shallow, lack of substance twat like most people nowadays.
All about the superficial, the cool and taking no accountability for their actions.

Anywho, this is my list of what I wanna see more of and less of in 2012...

More of the awesome!

Less of the lame.

More good times!

Less death of peeps like Heavy D, Patrice O'Neal and Amy Winehouse....though there won't be much from that because they have died already though. Hmm.

More awesome TV show about vampire zombies children who at war with the werewolves on an abandoned island run by ninja robots!!

Pretty much it's like Ru says. We are living like honey badgers and honey badgers don't give a shit! Not in that inconsiderate way, more of either you're with it or you're not. We taking what's ours and if you're being an asshole, you're gonna get left in the dust!!


Monday, December 26, 2011

Good Things I Have Put In My Mouth Lately: Alchemy

There are days when you go out for a nice lunch that turns into amazing conversations, drinks and many desserts.
This happened one Saturday when I went to meet up with LBee and Emily at Alchemy (Park Slope, Brooklyn). I've heard they make some great brussel sprouts- which I am suddenly into. We started with the brussel sprouts, then I had a turkey burger and then we ordered 3 desserts. All were delicious, but the thing that made my heart flutter and perhaps made we tell one too many unflattering stories about myself because I had two...had to be the dark and stormy's.
They were just extra gingery goodness! Smooth with a bite (kinda like me).

Alchemy has some good chill vibes and not a lot of people of color-if you're into that sort of thing. Maybe the nighttime scene is different, but I have a feeling this is a spot for Black chicks to hit on White dudes with their iPads, flannels and beards. This means I will go back in the Spring to prepare me for White Boy Summer!
For the Winter though, I'll go back for them dark & stormy's!

Monday, December 19, 2011

As The Online Dating World Turns: The Killer vs The Wordsmith

Yeah folks, I am still online. I wouldn't exactly call it dating, it is more like keeping myself entertained.
With online dating, it is all about the opening email and then the subsequent exchange. Eventually that grows into a date and hopefully not your body cut into tidbits and put into lil baggies and then scattered about Prospect Park. These two guys are examples about how you don't get to find out what 'cashmere' is allll about...or at least not get a snarky message from me.

The Killer

This dude started with the usual: you're hot and I want to get to know you better.
I am all like: okay. Then I check out his profile. He was coming with the same dick poetry in his summaries about himself. Basically saying all the things he thinks women wanna hear like: I'll eat you out endlessly.
The only thing was...his pic. His ONE pic. It was of him far away. His face in profile...that was kind of blurred.
So I asked him what he planned to do with my body after he killed me. I thought that was a VALID question.
He laughed...well lol'd and wondered why I would ever think that.
I let him know that I am perceptive and can just tell. He then explained that I had a one track mind and that he still thinks I am swell.
I ended it with a: THANKS KILLA!

The Wordsmith

Since I don't have ass shots and my summary about myself reflects me and my awesomeness. Showcasing my sense of humor and ability to put sentences together. This attracts the dude who wants to SHOW me. I haven't figured out what though. So, this dude messages me responding to various things I wrote in my profile- he copied and pastes shit, yo!
After reading the email a few times, in his over worded way he was trying to be funny by being snarky and commenting on my shit...but also wanted to let me know he'd like to place himself gently inside of me.
I asked if he was trying to just offend me or was some charm thrown into that?
He let me know in another long email about- well I don't know what it was about because I stopped reading it half-way through.
Listen, I enjoy a well written anything that shows a persons personality...but not if you insist upon yourself (stole that one from Harry who says that a lot about people and art). I don't think I am the wordiest, wittiest bitch out there so don't try to impress me with some bullshit that just makes me delete you and then blog about your wack ass.

Saturday, December 17, 2011

And Then I Took My Earrings Off!

I don't pretend to be some gangsta bitch-mostly because I am vain and would rather spend hours in Sephora deciding what blue eyeliner works best with my chocolate brown eyes.
This doesn't mean that if/when people get out of line with me that I won't proceed to: attempt to punch them in the throat, tell them in explicit details about themselves, kick them in the shins, tell them about themselves in explicit details while kicking and punching them.
Then there are the times I get real BROOKLYN on dat assssssss. Something comes over me and my true "blackness" comes out. It is a time when I stop being (ethnically) ambiguous and things start getting real!

So last night I was at a friends birthday party at a bar in Brooklyn. Things were chill and times were good...but then a bitch always has to show up and be ruiner of good times.
This butta-faced twat looked down on Brooklyn (she lives in the Bronx)and insulted my friends because she is a horrible person and an unattractive cunt. Then I realized that when she was calling Brooklyn ghetto (we were on friggin' 4th ave and Sackett street!!!! which to those who don't know is about as ghetto as a darkened Apple store)she was looking at me dead in my eyes! That bitch!
Luckily for her I was 'locked in' in a booth so I couldn't get out and let my foot have access to her ass.
My BROOKLYN came out...and there was neck twisting, finger snapping- Harry (everyones favorite Jewish gay hater) said it was like watching a Tyler Perry movie. Things got serious when I took my earrings off!!
I had on mini door knocker earrings which made me EXTREMELY Brooklyn! Ahh!! I took them off and mentioned kicking her ass up and down 4th avenue. Admittedly I had a lot of vodka last night.

It was very entertaining seeing-well hearing that part of myself. The moral of the story though, is that bitches like that need to get punched or they will continue with their bitchery...and when the earrings come off shit will forever be really real!

Sunday, December 11, 2011

The Place Where I Work:...And That's How It's Done

This will be a profound tale of GOOD vs. EVIL!

We know I haven't been writing about work simply because it became my job! Like with temping there was a new adventure EVERYDAY, at the's dry vagina's ALL the time.
The doc I work for specializes in helping men and women feel great, youthful, helping with weight, some psychology shit...but mostly it's about women trying to keep their vaginas moist.
Sure it's more than that but this is me and how I condense things down to the meat n' potatoes.
Anywho, this not about DRY VAGINAS this is about GOOD Vs. EVIL!!!!!!!!!!!
Remember Ruddy Kors? He was the WORST. He couldn't write a sentence even if it was written on a dick and mostly used his computer to search gay dating sites and porn. He slept at work- we have this couch and he would use it to nap during the day.
This was all when the doc wasn't around. When she was, he play pretended like he did shit. Mostly sitting on the phone or taking credit for work someone else did. To make himself look better he would then take credit AND THEN throw that person under the bus by lying on them.
Imagine going to work everyday with this person and feeling like you can't say anything because you don't want to run screaming into the doc you respects office: FUCK! FUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCKKKK ! HATE HIM!!!!!! AHHHHH!!
That wouldn't get you too far. Might even get you fired.
You begin to dread work. Dread so much you need a mental health day which really means you want to kill someone in your office and need to send out some resumes.

Suddenly though. Things fall into place. Timing is really EVERYTHING. The doc began seeing things for herself and then one by one we soldiers of GOOD sat with her and explained just how horrible Ruddy Kors is.
After asking us WHY we waited so long to let her know, she thought on it and a day later she terminated Ruddy Kors.
Like the end. Good bye. Peace bitch!

In all my years of working in office environments, EVIL has always won. Always. To see Good win, was like nothing I have ever seen or felt.
My entire being feels different.

I feel like a new woman and like dreams can come true! I feel brand new. I feel like myself again...this means the best bitch you know is BACK!

Act accordingly.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

My Recap of Breaking Dawn AKA Busted Bleeding Vag

Where to begin? Probably with my reasoning for seeing this feat of imagination and Mormon fuckery.
The answer is simple- I have read all of the books and have seen all of the movies up until now. Not because I am a Twi-hard, it is because the films (like the books) are ridiculously entertaining. The movies are made more entertaining by me and my peeps remarks while seeing the film- I know you're thinking 'well you're Black so OF COURSE you talk during the movie' and to that I say a festive: FUCK YOU!!

I have to say, if you haven't read the books: DO NOT SEE THIS MOVIE because the utter ridiculousness of it all will be unfathomable.

-The film begins with the usual Bella spouting poetry n' some shit- basically Stephanie Meyer trying seem like she has some kind credibility. DO NOT get me started on Meyer as a writer. It involves a lot of curse words and fists flailing.
So they're preparing for the nuptials of 18 year old Bella Swan and 100 something Edward cullen. All I know is that EVERYONE in the film got a fuckin' makeover. Their gear is tight. Hair is all swell. Even the makeup-except the vamps. This leads to my BIGGEST gripe- like how do people stand around these ill complexioned vampires with WEIRD eyes and NOT notice that they ARE VAMPIRES????
Then again I am watching a film about some vamps and werewolves...and demon babies!

-Edward and Bella get married. She was nervous because I mean...she's marrying a fucking vampire who won't even fingerbang her because of her 'virtue'??!! (MORMONS) This ain't TrueBlood, bitches.
Now this whole time Jacob has been a werewolf because he's pissed about Bella getting married- because of course every dude within a 2 mile radius enjoys her awkward stuttering dickiness.
Jacob shows up at the reception making Bella very pleased...then Jacob gets all up in her bizness and finds out she going to be slidin' down (and around) Edwards cold, hard Depression wang.
Jacobs angrily yells: "You're going to KILL HER" and I said so eloquently: "With his dick."

-HONEYMOON TIME! This is basically why anyone paid any money for this film. E&B hit up Brazil and go to their own private island-which is something I want. An island all to myself where I can writhe around nekked n' shit. It will be called the Isle of Cock.
Anyways, THEY BANG. The bed gets BROKE.DOWN. We saw no wang or vag- kinda like Immortals. I paid SEVENTEEN DOLLARS for some 3D COCKLESS film. Sure, Henry Cavill and Luke Evans are bangable-BUT COME ON!
....I did not expect French styled fornication in this film-and then of course because this is based on a book written talentless MORMON- Edward didn't wanna touch Bella again because she was bruised from their initial interspecies love. Them bruises just look like the spoils of war...or some goooooooooooooood deep dickin' which was exactly what Bella needed because she became slightly less annoying.

-Bella GETS PREGNANT after having sex twice and Edward was all like: fuck whatever is inside you. ABORTION!! (woah...MORMON??)
Bella is like: nah boo. I am dropping your seed.
Then they go back to Forks and then Jacob N' His Wolf Pack find out that Bella is having DemonChild 2011!!!
Jacob gets PISSED.
My thing is, when are we just gonna say Jacob is Bella's gay bestie (which every girl needs!). That dude has that look of cock love in his eyes. the baby is KILLING Bella because it is DemonChild 2011!!! Then Bella drank blood and all was well. Yeah, she hasn't turned into a's just what DemonChild 2011 WANTSSSSS!

-Now, I was worried about the whole birth scene because supposedly people have DIED watching it.
I didn't die, and BrooklynKat even said it was tastefully done. They put some type of cherry colored cottage cheese on the baby and then was just a lil blood around Bella covered vag area.
But OH NO, right after seeing her baby named-a girl- Renessme....Bella dies!! Edward pumps vampire venom (not with his cock)into her and bites the shit out of her.
Jacob freaks the fuck out and cries a lot. Then his Wolfpack finds out Bella is dead and DemonChild 2011 is ALIVE!
OHHH WAIT....I forgot a very important scene where I mouthed:this is the best movie ever!- so the wolves were in wolf form and talking to each other WITH THEIR MINDS!!! It sounded like an episode of Voltron with WOLVES!!!
So there's a BIG wolf/vamp fight, but while this is going on Jacob is going to kill DemonChild 2011!! Then he looks into the babies eyes...which were oddly cg'd and kinda creepy and he see's her grow up and he's all wolfy and IN LOVE with her.
He imprinted.
He also came in his pants because he was REALLY thinking of Edwards cold hard shaft nestling in his wolfy fur.
What is imprinting? It's when a wolf dude sees a chick and is intensely smitten. It is their soul mate.
Creepster bullshit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Jacob stops the fight by telling all of them that he will eventually fuck DemonCH-Renessme so they needs to step off! The Wolf Pack does...and then we have to go back to caring about Bella becoming a vampire.

She opens her red new born vamp eyes...and the movies ENDS.

-As much as this film saga is the WORST THING EVER, it is highly entertaining and made better by perverse comments and truly suspending your taste levels. You should also never watch these movies hungry. BrooklynKat and I ate some great diner food pre-movie.
This was ONLY PART 1!!!!!!!!! Ah cannot wait for PART 2!!