Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Beats In L.A.



I haven't said too much about my LA trip because it was chilllll and mostly for work...but there was some play- but it was LA.
I understand the animal that LA is. It was just intensified because I had to deal with TV people- keep your slacks on, the world isn't ready for me on TV...my own sitcom that would show me eating various desserts off of hot dudes while saying snarky shit.
Anyways, I mostly laid by a pool and went to the Westfield Mall. Chill times- well when I wasn't plotting peoples deaths.
It's pretty general to say that people in LA are fake- but.it.is.true. (to an extent)
Also note, I haven't met EVERYONE in LA (thank hay-sus)...but I feel comfortable with my belief.
Every person that approached me wasn't just being friendly, they were trying to figure out why my (amazingly good lookin') Black ass was where I was. Was I someone???!! By day 2 I started my conversations by saying 'I am no one'- reminds when Buffy (The Vampire Slayer) ran away after killing Angel and then became Anne....-long story...
People would then walk away from me. Seriously. They would just walk away. Because I am a NOBODY!!!
...though if I had a pair of Beats by Dre headphones I would've been told to 'run them headphones' resulting in me having no headphones and losing my Brooklyn credibilities by getting ROBBED in LA- and not Compton, I was staying near Beverly Hills, yo!
Anyways, it seems that them headphones are what the streets want! Every time I turned on the news someone was getting jacked-WAIT getting beat for them BEATS! HA!
Yes, I sat in my hotel room eating cashew nuts coming up with various headlines about this audio thievery. It entertained me till I went to lay by the pool again.

All in all, LA was cool and I didn't punch anyone. Still winning!

Sunday, September 18, 2011

Twat!

So, I have given in and am on Twitter now- next step to into douchedom- getting an iPhone! Follow me if you choose: @ChronofCashmere- you'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll wish to un-follow me soon enough.

I am trying to be selective about who I'm following. Some are friends and soon to be lovers and most are people I enjoy and don't want to set on fire!

So far so good though- cannot wait till I get into Twitter beef!!!!!

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Good Things I Have Put In My Mouth Lately- Meat.Butter.

Though not excited about having to venture to Williamsburg, Brooklyn AKA land of various rape scenes and bedbugs, and filled with people I mostly hate (except the ones I don't)- I ventured to Fatty 'Cue. I went because I was invited by Ru and for him, I'll go.
Listen, you give me good company and promise me good food- I.Am.There.
So off I go. Off the L train and up Bedford Avenue. Not punching the various peeps I wanted to punch, just listening to some Adele and Salt n' Pepa and making my way. Even stumbled upon Boricua College (THIS EXISTS)...mostly cuz I stumbled in the wrong direction. May take a course there and hopefully not be impregnated (because my thighs and Latin dudes = insta-germination).

Anyways, I get there and wait in front for the gang to arrive...suddenly he appears. Falcide (Fake Alicide from True Blood). He is a waiter and there is a seating area outside of the restaraunt too.
Our eyes meet and there was twinkling and smiles. I almost drop my phone-and also forget about Ru who called me all lost...
After a few 'eye dances', he smiles and says 'hello'. I smile and mumble something-then I buck up and ask about our reservation and if anyone else is here. He does a thorough search letting me know I am the first one there and our table is ready. Awesome.
Let me describe him...he looks like Alcide from TrueBlood except with shorter hair! The same height, build- this dude was wearing a Mets shirt (which made me smirk). He had tatts-and not asshole tatts, dude tatts. His lips were ridiculous! Ahh...hmm OH YEAH- the food.

This was sort of a celebration for me (in my mind) because doing my diet/cleanse proved that I have discipline and can basically do anything. So I was going in-moderately though.
Sadly, our waiter was NOT Falcide, it was this other guy who was pretty awesome. He loved us so much he gave us all free drink tickets beacuse...we're awesome.

There were 5 of us, so we decided to order fam-lay style and just go in. -
First at the bar as I tried to recover from the 'hot dude' dry mouth I was suffering from, I decided to get some Young Tender Coconut to drink from- that is what the drink is called. You can get it with rum or not...


I opted to NOT drink my calories and eat BACON...mostly though I wanted to not have the rum because it would've resulted in me dry humping Falcide.

Honestly, I didn't take a lot of pics because I was busy eating. Here's a shot of the chicken with this delish peanut sauce. Next to it is this eggplant dip and crudite. Mmm mmm


We also had the fried okra that came with some kind of cheese. It was pretty delish...


We also ordered a bacon curry dish, some ribs, a pork belly noodle dish and the creme de la creme- 2 kinds of brisket with steam buns. OMG! That shit blew.my.mind!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The thing that blew my loins was the meat butter...which was very fittingly delivered by Falcide (who was not our waiter but just wanted to allign himself with my cooch)!!!
I have described this before-meat juices done all clarified butter style. They serve this with 'Texas' sized toast! It made me giggle, it made me cry and it (along with Falcide) made me moist. The waiter said he was going to steal my name for it: meat butter. Falcide seemed pretty impressed too...Ru noticed how I was (trying) seducing him with my eyes. Mostly, I probably looked constipated and anxious.

There was no dessert having because our greedy asses were FULL!
...well I had a certain kind of dessert in mind involving Falcide on my boooooooooooooooooody. So, I slipped him my digits- I KNOW, so bold of this punk (i.e. me), but I figure: who gives a fuck? I mean he could have no interest (i.e. bad taste) but what the hell do I care? He's hot and works around meat- I'm in.

So far no call though.- Okay, I may have put my number and NOT my name because I was that nervous. (punk ass) I also wrote that I was not slutty which may not be a selling point for some dudes.

Anywho, the aftermath of this amazing meal...



I highly reccomend that if you happen to like bed bugs, hipsters and MEAT- go to Fatty 'Cue (there is also one in the WEST VILLAGE)! The food was pretty legit and there is a waiter that looks like Alcide.

Monday, September 12, 2011

True Blood Season 4 -The Rundown AKA Season of The Meth Cooch

When the season started I was all down for a 3 way involving me, Eric and Alcide.
That hasn't changed-though things were shaky when Eric started banging Sookie. Sure, he lost his memory too so he wasn't all gnarly leather wearing Eric with a smirk and an overbite.

Anyways, here is my True Blood Season 4 Rundown:


- So we know that Sookie was with Bill but was having sexual fantasies about Eric (who wouldn't) then Bill betrayed her or something and lil ole Sook's oooch was missing some cold dong.
Enter the witches. Marni, a nerdy witch, summons some old witch Antonia who's like: I'm dirty, vamps raped me, imma speak in some Latin and make these bitches walk in the sun.
Eric gets cursed with memory loss because he bit the shit out of Marni then she let Antonia run up in her and turned this bitch out- well Eric out who in turn turned Sookie out. Cold dong-less NO MORE!
...but seriously, those sex scenes?? Ridiculous. Even made me uncomfortable- I am all like: boo your hubby is on this show watching you dry hump some Swede? damn.
One scene involved a bed in the middle of the Lord of the Rings Fae-Land forest! There was snow n' shit. I was done. It soon became about me wanting Eric to get his memory back.
Then I didn't care because the whole build up of the season was the supposed FIGHT over Sookie between Bill and Eric. WHY? I mean really? Sookie? She is as smart as a craw fish (Lousianna y'all), screams and cries all the time- okay she is part fairy which make the vamps go wild but then m'boo Alcide...


He totally tells Sookie that he'd like impale her with his 'big bad wolf'. WHAT.THE.FUCK???
I don't see her appeal? She can read minds? Shit, I read books!- speaking of books, this series is so left field of the Sookie Stackhouse series by Charlaine Harris that I watch it just to see what the hell are they going to not do like the book now...

Yeah so this season was about everyone wanting Sookie. She doesn't choose Eric or Bill (we don't know about Alcide)- best thing that happened all season- well one of the 2 best things that happened- Eric and Bill wearing matching bathrobes.

Ugh...who cares? Just hope Sookie doesn't get with Alcide then ALMOST ruin him for me too!

I say almost because once Eric got his memory back (thanks to Sookie and her fairy cooch fingers)(also the second best thing of the season) he ripped out a dudes heart and proceeded to sip blood from the heart using one of the ventricles as a STRAW. AHHHHHHHHH! That was amazing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It's the simple things.

So yeah...Sookie is dead dong-less again, Eric is back to wearing leather jackets, Bill who went through a 'being a dick' phase became lovable normally annoying Bill who sounds like an overseer (he makes my inner house slave shiver)and they killed the witch who became a ghost...that entered Lafayette's body!


-So...yeah...Lafayette is a MEDIUM! Like Whoopi Goldberg in Ghost-


Even down to the horrible wigs- no, but seriously what was going on with Lafayette's hair this season???? He had Coolio braids, a beaded corn rowed mohawk...just horrible, horrible shit! Luckily I'll always love me some Lafayette so it wasn't an Eric situation where I thought about him meeting the true death-especially during them long lovey dovey chats with Snookie (ha, it's the best when he calls her that).
Anyways, Jesus, Lafayette's boo is a bru-ho and Lafayette is a medium. They help with killing the witch and solving one of the LAMEST story lines involving a haunted doll and Arlene's devil baby.

Marni enters Lafayette's body causing him to kill his boo. Awww. Thankfully Jesus's ghost visits him-but doesn't enter him (this time, oooooooooooo). He comforts Lafayette while Tara's busy getting half her head shot off by Debbie Pelt-Alcide's ex-boo who he abjured (wolf talk for 'told to fuck off') because she started boning the pack master. Debbie came to kill Sookie of course but (as usual) she fucked everything all up got Tara shot-
Aww Tara...


-Most of this season I have been like: whateva, Tara!
I mean really, getting caught up in some bullshit again. Witchcraft! Ugh. I was done with her...and then she got shot and I was like: oh damn, Tara I miss you!
Plus she's the only Black chick on the show...so...


-Jason Stackhouse. I like him and wanted him to be a were panther, but he's not. He is boning his best friend's ex- vampire boo. (pretty fucked up)...and again resulting in some INTENSE (meaning looking like some real penetration happening) sex scenes! It made me uncomfortable especially since Jason's body is about the size of my calf (even post diet!).


Overall, B, Jesse and JK and I thought that the season lacked plot and we loved it mostly because it involved us all hanging out and eating AMAZING things...and then making fun of how effed up the show is.
Of course we'll watch Season 5...but I am giving it the side eye already.
In the words of Pam (my favorite): Fuck Sookie Stackhouse!
Will be saying this till next season!

Saturday, September 10, 2011

Ain't Nothing Changed

So, you remember how I was/am doing this diet/cleanse thing. Well it resulted in me being on TV- so people can take bets on when I wake up covered in mac & cheese with a pillow of cakes, and melted ice cream instead of drool...when I become 1000lbs and bed ridden.
People LOVE IT when you fail, especially if they can watch- I don't plan on failing because it's just a new way of life for me. I mean I will have me some cake and bacon- last night I had bacon. And meat butter. Did not know what my mouth was missing till I had meat.butter. Meat butter is the the renderings of meats made into a clarified butter type deliciousness.
Where was I?

...I was in LA doing TV- HA! Sounds important because it was really just one of the many reasons why I write. Random amazingness happens.
I met Steve Ward aka 'Tough Love' matchmaker...


Remember him? Though his forehead seemed to be chasing his hair, and he has a douche-y appeal, I found him handsome. SO handsome I had a dream that we were dating, but I was showing him some tough.love- not THAT way, dirty, in a way that he was all on it and I was like 'meh'.
Which is what would happen. He is tall and not horrible on the eyes, and any dude that calls out sluts is alright by me- but there's that douche-y appeal.
Oh well.
NO, the show didn't involve him trying to figure out why a gem like me is single- though that would be interesting...and a camera following me on dates?! Amazing.
He wasn't even on my segment, just ran into him as I was coming out of my dressing room- HA! yeah I said that and it happened!

Don't worry, though I am prone to asshole tendencies, I am not all LaLa land out. Am still the lovable scamp who loves to hate. Awww.

When I came back, all rejuvenated and ready to rumble, I thought: Fashion Night Out in NYC. YES!
No!
I was all chilled from shopping at the Westfeld Mall (one of the best malls ever) and reading by the pool- then I had to curse out several people and deal with being in front of the MAC store (in Soho) and some chicks thinking Nikki Minaj was there. These chicks proceeded to yell: OMG IS NIKKI IN THERE???!!!
They stopped when I turned slowly holding up my elbow to take out the culprit windpipe. Through gritted teeth I said it was Beth Ditto and not Nikki.
At this point I was done. Luckily I met up with Brooklyn Kat and we walked one block together before I was done again. Last year it was fun, this year it was crowded with assholes! Assholes dressed like all that was wrong with the 90's.

This is me among the assholes. I am laughing because I am thinking: what.the.fuck.am.I.doing.here?????????????????????????


I am back. I am thinner. I still hate everyone which is why I will be single and have various jungle cats as pets.