Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Good Things I Have Put In My Mouth Lately- Inspired Eating

These are the times when I ate good things during an inspiring moment or maybe the food inspired me-or made me less punch happy.

1. This was when I went to the Alexander McQueen exhibit at The Met. To say that I was inspired by the exhibit is an understatement...I was thoroughly overwhelmed in the best way! Being overwhelmed makes me hungry. My friend Mel and I tried to find a Le Pain Quotiden-just keep it real classy like, BUT when you're looking for a Le Pain Quotiden you will.not.find.one.
So, we wound up at an Upper East Side staple: EJ's Diner. I call it and UES staple because there were Jews of various ages, genders and statuses (i.e. single, married, with children, etc.).
I got the Southern Breakfast which included: grits, scrambled eggs, a biscuit, gravy which I didn't really use thanks to my sodium consciousness) and chicken apple sausage. It was no Cracker Barrel, but it was delish!

2. Mel decided to get the chicken salad sandwich. Mmmm mmmmm....

3. This was after I saw the movie Bridesmaids-not that the movie was inspiring, more hilarious-but this is a Shake Shack shake-black & white of course. Just a Shake Shack (Madison Square Park) shake in itself is inspiring. It inspires my thighs and ass to get more video chick ready- 'yellow model chick, yellow Lamborghini...yellow dimpled thighs'....woah.

4. OMG! I LOVE GRAVALOX!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sidecar (Park Slope) keeps making it hard for me to go anywhere else when I am in the Slope. That and the fact that I enjoy (and HE enjoys) sexually harassing the trapeze artist waiter.
So, I was at Sidecar having a bi'ness brunch. Big things are on the horizon-watch out!

5. Though I was pretty satisfied with my bloody mary and gravalox, I ordered the migas- scrambled eggs with tortilla, guac and cheese. Effin' delish- Sidecar fails to disappoint!

6. Alas, me sipping that delish bloody mary. Oh man, I loves eatin'. Am inspired by food all day, every day!

June 11th-15th.

The picture above is me with an eyepatch and a sexy mole- that looks like a clump of pubic hair on my face. All part of the game de diguises.

Anywho, a few years ago I took like 2 personality tests and both said I am like Madonna and OOOOOPRAHHHHHH! Since I got the same results twice I believe them to be true.
Like Madonna I do a MEAN fake British accent and am the QUEEN of reinvention- meaning I have gone from hating skinny jeans to owning a few pairs.
....and like Oprah I would like the 4 days leading up to my birthday to be days of reflection. Reflection about me. Good, bad, ugly, inbetween. I feel people should think about my impact on their lives-maybe even tell me about it.
In any case, the days will be leading up to an end. The end of me using my REAL age and the time I start using my LADY age. I guess I have reached that trivial point in a womans life when she starts lying about her age.
Hate to be so...predictable and lame, but it's just how the boobies sag- not mine- but boobies can.

Saturday, May 21, 2011

3 Straws 1 Milkshake

Please do not associate this with that DISGUSTING 'two girls one cup' thing. I never watched that- thanks to the hype, I heard about it and KNEW it wasn't for me. Also, I am not that curious.
Anywho, so one night while eating with my homie Jesse, I stopped mid convo when one of the waiters put one milkshake with three straws in front of two guys and one girl.
Jesse had to check it out and we then agreed that this was the prelude to a long train run. Or just a menage a trois. There was no doubt that these three were going to be boning- I mean why else would THREE grown ass adults share a milkshake like that????
We all know I am a greedy bitch so my opinion may be solely based on ME not being into sharing MY milkshake...but really, come on???!!

...then I got to thinking (this is always good): Who would I share a milkshake with knowing it would lead to me being the peanut butter in a sammich...

1. Tom and John Raffeo (Parks & Recreation)- this would not only be hilarious, but lucrative.
The evening would begin with a strawberry milkshake at Shake Shack (Madison Square Park)and end in the dog park at Madison Square Park-perhaps with some doggy style!!! *high 5*

2. Idris Elba and Maxwell- this would be the most sensual three way EVER!!!!
The evening would begin at Stand4 (Union Square), we would be sipping a STIFF chocolate shake laced with whiskey and end in a room at the Soho Grand-and perhaps a wheelchair for me because I'd be unable to walk after this interlude.

3. Alexander Skarsgard and Joel Kinnaman (Eric Northam-TrueBlood and Stephen Holder-The Killing)- I have never been into blond haired n' blue eyed dudes but these 2 Swedes can.get.it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The evening would begin with a vanilla milkshake at Good Burger (all around NYC)and end at one of Trumps hotels- mostly because Donald Trump is a racist dick who wouldn't see the beauty in me getting deep dicked by 2 White boys!!

The list could go on, but then I'd feel like a big ole slut!

Monday, May 16, 2011

RE: ...And Another Thing!

Okay, because I am like Vanilla Ice-meaning I have a problem, yo I'll solve it. My problem with floral arrangements on maxi-pads can be solved by putting something useful on a pad.
My suggestions: a baby and someone you hate.

A baby to keep you motivated. Like: this is what I'm bleeding for eventually when I am ready and have found a suitable seed dropper. The above pic would be my baby motivator-I would still punch my way through cramps (and possibly punch people), but look at that baby. Awww lil Fromage (because I loves me some cheese) will be worth it!

Putting someone you hate directly on the pad would be a great way to work through the menses. In my case: Ke$ha. Put her on the pad and boom, I'd be aight with all the toil n' boil.

Problem solved.

Sunday, May 15, 2011

...And Another Thing!!

As not to alienate my male readers, I don't mention periods n' shit.
Okay, I don't mention that ish because why talk about it??? It happens, it's not fun, move on.
I am mentioning it now because this whole women like pretty things thing is ridiculous!
Do you know there are maxi-pads that have floral details. Like on the pad and packaging??! Why? Is it because women like flowers n' shit???
Listen, during my bleeding days, I could give a FUCK about a flower. Unless them flowers are going to reach up into my vaginal cavity and shake my uterus into submission- I have NO FRIGGIN' USE FOR THEM ON MY MAXI-PAD!!

That's all.

The Place Where I Work: Choosy Lover

An offer has been made. Not the best offer, totally not worth the wanting to punch people and not being to punch them, but an offer has been made. Due to lack of want of dealing with new work surroundings AND my dreams catching fire- i.e. am on it with the whole writing thing- I feel I can make enough to live, think of the doctor's office as a job and keep it moving. Stability is one less worry...for now.
Think of it more as a dude/chick who consistently asks you out. I mean, they just show up in your bed nekkid, they constantly post something on your facebook wall, they send dick pics/clit pics, etc. They ware you the fuck down!
On the day the full time job offer was made, my head was pounding and I would've said yes to a fisting offer just to get me one step closer to some advil and perhaps some tequila. More importantly, I had no more fight in me. My fight would be for something I love, something I truly believe in- me and my writing and that people will enjoy paying for my writing.
So you just say...fine, fine- then if you're me, you freak.the.fuck.out! What the HELL did I say yes to??!! I was then only able to calm myself with the thoughts of focusing on what's important to me: writing, affording an iced coffee, reasonably priced designer shoes, etc.

Normally, it takes me a bit to say yes to a lot of things, this is why the man at the corner store asked my mom: when is she gonna get married??
Then the other day I am just walking, minding my own business and this dude tells me I should treat myself to a pedicure- CALM DOWN, I had on my moccasins so it wasn't a diss. Besides, I recently got a pedi and the hooves look more like feets, yo. Anyways, here's a dude who seemed to care- but yet I kept it moving. Mostly because most of the dudes interested in me are crazy and have few teeth.
Naturally, I am suspicious of anyone who wants me...so I say no and keep it moving. Self esteem issues much? No, just general distrust of peeps and their agendas.

Okay, what was my point? Ah, yes...I may be off my game and this may have been a bad choice accepting this offer, but for now I've got to focus on the things that keep me sane...till I have to deal with the other shit.
...another way I know I am off my game, this new temp started. Only two days a week, a dude, and I have no idea if he's straight or gay. Not that this matters, but I can usually tell- okay maybe this isn't my fault, maybe it's this metrosexual society where dudes seem to dabble or just wear a lot of jewelry. Have prided myself on my gaydar- have helped many a friend, if female- save themselves the embarrassment of a boyfriend hitting on their brother or a male- landing themselves a new boo.
Oh well, cannot be good at everything! (though most things still works)

On Paper

My friend Margo and I have decided that on paper Donald Glover aka Childish Gambino aka the black dude on Community- is my soul mate.
He is witty, I am witty. He rhymes, I rhyme. He has alter egos, I have alter egos. He has hipster appeal and I have gold lame` boat shoes.
We seem like quite the pair...but in reality it just wouldn't work. Not just because I think being the blipster (black hipster) that he is, he would want an Asian or a white girl AND though I am cool...I am not THAT cool.
...so this is what would happen if we were matched on EHarmony or something-because we would be matched because we seem PERFECTO for each other. We would meet up for a date, most likely in the late afternoon because like me he isn't an early riser. We also want to have enough time to meet up with people we actually like in case we hate each other. We would decide to meet in Union Square- that way we'd have options. He'd suggest one of the Starbucks and because we both are sort of kind hearted jerks, he'd pick one and just be there...and if I chose the wrong one I'd have to buy us frapps. Of course I chose the one next to the McDonalds because it's closest to the GStar and the Duane Reade where I imagine he'd calm himself by looking at clothing the gay mafia wears or by hanging in the snack section at DR wondering just how tasty those lil cinnamon buns are.
Anywho this is what happens (in my head) when on paper meets reality:

Donald: Wow, how'd you choose the right Starbucks- oh wait, the GStar gave it away.
Me: That and there are a lot more laptops in here, it's blogger friendly.
Donald: (slides his laptop into a Louis Vuitton case)Yeah. So what kind of frapp would you like?
Me: Think I'm going to get a macchiato...
Donald:...and I'm just going to get a regular coffee. Why did we even say we were gonna get frapps?
Me: Because...
Donald: Yep...

We get our drinks and decide to walk about.

Donald: So you're a writer?
Me: I'd like to think so...
Donald: It's not official till you're sitting in a Starbucks with a laptop. Raekwon is doing a show in an abandoned bodega tonight. They're serving egg sandwiches...wanna go?
Me: That sounds amazing...but I'd rather chance bedbugs at a movie theater in Times Square.
Donald: Wow. You're wearing boat shoes...so I just assumed..
Me: They're cute shoes, I am not THAT girl though. I am not mixed either.
Donald: You're not?!
Me: Nope.
Donald: Oh.
Me: So I'm gonna meet my friend Margo at Target where I shall buy something reasonably priced and then we'll hit up an Applebees bar to catch a sports game. Enjoy Raekwon...

The End.

See that's how it would go. We'd have a sort of chemistry, but it wouldn't be the type that would lead to bang-outs and rap songs about how I broke his heart. Aww. Reality is harsh sometimes.

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Reasons Why I Like AMC's "The Killing" by Me

There was a void in my Sunday nights. With TrueBlood and The Walking Dead not coming back on for a long while I found myself reading, writing...mostly watching reality TV-then The Killing started...well it was more like Jesse told me I should be watching this show. Because Jesse has stellar taste, I watched and am now hooked.
Here are a few reasons why I was sucked into Rosie Larson's murder mysterious world:

- there is a small part of me, the part that forgets that I am African-American and therefore have African-American hair. this small part of me would live in Seattle-where the show takes place. something about the lush green makes me wanna drink coffee and write folk music about my cat n' my soul. then one realizes that it rains. not like a few times a month, but like ALL THE TIME!!! rain and African-Am hair are NOT friends. *sigh* Seattle is a great backdrop for the story being told though.

- I love the lead detective-Sarah Linden- her face is amazing. something in those eyes. she is GREAT, perfect mix of strong and sensitive. her partner-Stephen Holden- is my favorite simply because he is a down ass White dude. we know I have had a thing for down ass White dudes since before I had titties. Holden has a tinge of mystery too where you know he is into some shit...hmmm

- all around, the acting is PHENOMENAL on this show!

- I enjoy the fact that I have figured out the mystery- it's the lone Black dude. not just because he's Black and we know how people think we Black people are prone to violence n' shit...no, this is because this is a Black dude in rainy ass Seattle! like dude, REALLY? you're living in Seattle because you wanna kill some White girls. end.of.story.

Sorry I ruined the show for you, but you should still watch it anyways to see if I am right!

Monday, May 2, 2011

Good Things I Have Put In My Mouth Lately- Lady Treats

Admittedly, I only started eating macaroons like a year or two ago. The colors thew me off- because I HATE the artificial taste that food coloring can have. Then I stumbled upon my 'very French patisserie that shall remain nameless because it is one of my favorite places to go and I am a selfish bitch'- those who know, KNOW and those who don't know can ask me, and depending on my mood...I'll tell.
Macaroons are just pure decadence...and luxuriousness, especially when sipping a sparkling (though very cheap) rose`. All kinds of pinkies in the air n' shit.

The place that shall remain nameless makes the most amazing array of macaroons- mocha, kir royal, passion fruit, chocolate, caramel brulee`, cassis, lavender pistachio, pink champagne, etc.
Smooth, creamy, and just so damn lovely to look at!

Lemme tell you something, you take your filthiest whore...scrape the semen from her teeth and put one of these macaroons in her hand and I GUARANTEE she will seem almost ready to not just bang in the bathroom...you may do her in your car!- Macaroons = LADY TREATS!....well brief lady treats.....
They don't make your claws look better when you need a mani though. *sad face*

Sunday, May 1, 2011

"My balls will be touching things..."

Now that I am almost caught up with life- mostly with the show Nikita aka my guilty pleasure- I feel that I can blog again...blog again (sang like Toni Braxton's 'Breathe Again'). Besides a computer monitor that blew I have been effin' TIRED. Trying to balance work, a life and a little writing. Very little. To the point where I got into one of my funks again...all boil n' toil.
Enough of that. Am pulling myself up by the moccasins and stop being a lazy twat and GO GO GO!

So with the work thing. There was a point when the The Doctor came up to my desk and some music was playing and we began dancing together. Needless to say there are good vibes in the office, but more importantly they want to hire me and E, but more more importantly the money has got to be right. Am all for good work vibes, but I mostly want to get paid ESPECIALLY since this isn't my calling. My calling = writing novels involving passion plays, mystery and/or zombies who say 'cock' a lot.
We shall see..
OH, so Ruddy Kors has been on a temp rampage, not really a rampage just has gone through a lot of temps. We all know of my fondness for Johnny Blue Eyes...then RK gets this unfortunate chick to work with us for like 2 days. It wasn't that she was unfortunate...just her face. Now I am the last- the second to last person to call someone ugly...but upon getting off the elevator and seeing this chick waiting for me to let her in the office...I dropped.my.coffee!
Let me reiterate- I dropped my $5 Starbucks coffee...which is BLASPHEMY mostly because that shit is EXPENSIVE!
Everyone who wasn't prepared for her face kinda jumped and wondered what was up. My conclusion was a previous life that consisted of meth and pole dancing in the back of an RV.

...and just to note, I now have 2 nipple pimples ON MY FACE! This is what I get for being so shallow. Now I am someones unfortunate girl. *sigh*

Alright, this is all a bit rushed because I have to shower and get snacks for Lego Club. Yep. Me, B, B's bro and Jesse have formed a Lego Club. We go to Lego World in Manhattan. We get pieces and we build shit.
Do not be jealous.

As for the title of this entry...everyone has been into this whole Royal Wedding thing. I could give not even 3/4's of a fuck. Of course I couldn't escape it though. As I sipped a sparkling rose` and ate Bonchon chicken n' macaroons, I watched 15 million commentaries on the wedding. Oh, I was at Brooklyn Kat's crib and during one of the many times we watched Prince William walk Kate down the aisle she asks: why the hell is he smiling so goofily?
My response: because he's finally going to get in BALLS DEEP. Katey's a lady and only let the tip in...tonight though, his balls will be touching things.

That is my wish for everyone...to find true love and have the balls touch things.