Friday, September 27, 2013

BossFit

My friend MBotDrizzle is into Crossfit.  Of course I have made fun of it, but like most of my friends, she pays me no never mind and does her thing.  She loves what it is doing for her...even if it is a cult of insane work-out Nazis.  Okay, Nazis is HARSH...more like FANATICS.
The hater in me just doesn't sit well with a group of people wanting to look and feel great...and only hang out with  each other...and only do that paleo diet crap...and I hear there is a sock thing they do?...Whatevs, something about it just isn't right...BUT I am not about shittin' on MBotDrizzle's or anyone elses parade.  I can only do me.
....and in DOIN' ME I have come up with a program I like to call BossFit (copyright pending).  Being a person who understands the need for staying in shape and eating clean- though eating clean to me may mean eating off clean plates and in clean clothes- so let's say eating HEALTHY.
There are no diets you need to do or socks you need to wear, BossFit is about doin' you...LIKE A BOSS (that Black baby is NOT me, racist)!!

Here are some benefits and highlites of BossFit:

  • BossFit can be done any time and any where.  It can be done alone or with your fellow like-minded bosses.
  • You can wear whatever you want, just be comfortable...and don't look like an asshole.
  • The main part to BossFit is movement as well...but it's the type of moves I like to make.  Let's say I am standing around watching TV or just staring at a window, I start doing some arm circles.  I might throw punches in the air, air smack a bitch (as there is no bitch standing there), or just do this .
  • For a good lower body workout BossFit utilizes twerking.  Workin' them glutes, quads AND calfs.
  • Since most BOSSES ain't got time for a lot of things, I like to duttywine whilst doing my hair and makeup!  Imagine getting an all over body workout while you get yourself ready for the world...much like a BOSS.
  • BossFit is about doing you!  Doing you well!  You want to eat a cheeseburger- EAT IT...just maybe don't have fries AND then a milkshake...but if you do that, then have quinoa or a kale salad for lunch.  Just be more balanced and don't drink diet soda.  Live your life!

Monday, September 23, 2013

The Lone Lesbian vs. The Human Race

A lady who lives in my building who happens to be a lesbian was having a tough go at life last night.  When I say a tough go at life, I mean that she was drunk.  Drunk on a Sunday and hanging out- okay, pacing in front of the building. 
Since I am not as cold hearted as I like to seem, I made sure to look her in the eye and smile.  Sometimes just a lil something helps- believe me!  There have been moments when I have been walking about going through some mental torment and someone walking by will just smile at me...and I tell ya...this thug almost gets teary eyed.
#HumanKindness

Anyways, she just broke up with her girlfriend on her birthday.  She made reservations at this restaurant she always wanted to go to and her girlfriend was all like: meh, I'd rather not.
So she canceled the reservations and said she would make dinner and invite people over....
The girlfriend never.shows.up.  It was the day of the LoneLesbian's birthday too.
LoneLesbian then asked: what is WRONG with the human race?  why is everyone so damn selfish....
I felt her pain because I wonder about this a lot of the time- when I am not thinking about eating or my fall look.
I could offer little solace as I didn't have ALL night to go into why people suck. So I suggested that she not give up as not EVERYONE sucks, but dating in New York is the worst, so perhaps she should move out of state.  I said I have considered moving away...but then I realized that most of my love woes have to do with me being reclusive and so very awesome.
The LoneLesbian is feeling it now because her birthday was last week, but with time she'll heal and move on as it is what human beings do.  We lick our wounds and note the scars for the next dumbass that tries to break us down.

Friday, September 20, 2013

The Bone List: Just A Lil Bit....


There really isn't much I need to say about this.  I have already established how much I would bone Idris Elba...this picture just does things to me and my person.
He really is everything.

Friday, September 13, 2013

The Place Where I Work: The Door

Oh things are just going swell at work.
I say this with sarcasm....yet with a smile.  Things will never be perfect until I wake up comfortable financially and am just able to write (like a boss).  Perhaps I could even write better.
Anyways, today being Friday therefore another exclamation point at the end of a LONG ass week- I did not want to go into work.  I just wanted to sleep.  Then wake up and stroll about.  Scowl at a few people...my usual....
Since I am a responsible adult (at times), I went into work and as I neared the entrance to my office I see a small crowd gathered in front.  The small group includes the two department heads I work for, DesignDude, the office manager and a project manager.  Each one trying to swipe in using our newly installed card swiping system that should be OFF during normal office hours...but as I predicted, it wouldn't work and this would happen (the door being locked from the outside, SECUUUURity)...and then I could turn around and go home.  I would've went home if my two big bosses weren't there trying to swipe in-I actually started walking backwards with DesignDude but people saw us.  Then through the glass I could see someone who could see us, so I asked...

Me: Is the door locked from the inside too?

Someone says no.  They all take turns continually swiping and not getting in.

Me: So....is dude going to open the door for us?

That's when people look at him to get him to open the door.  I mean this whole time they all had been looking at each other knowing the door could be opened from the inside...yet it wasn't.  People started laughing...namely DesignDude.

Me: If this is how the day is starting...I just need to go back home.

DesignDude: Yeah...we should go have breakfast and blow this joint.

Me: Yes!  They won't notice  if we slip away....

While the door is still NOT BEING OPENED FROM THE INSIDE because dude that can open it is on the phone just looking at us.
The project manager chick who has been laughing at my reactions the whole time is like: you are not going anywhere...you have made my day!
The stroke of the ego kept me from elbowing her to the throat!  I mean, DesignDude and I could've had a nice breakfast- where he discloses his love for me and I just chuckle and steal his bacon- and then eventually come back to the office WHENEVER THE DOOR WAS OPENED.
FINALLY homeboy on the inside gets the bright idea to open the door and let us in.  No one says anything cuz he's older...well everyone except me...

Me: Thanks man!  You really didn't have to...

This got a couple more chuckles.  I even cracked a smile till I realized I was walking into a full office and NOT ONE person could open the door???!!!
Fuck.
I cannot.

Friday, September 6, 2013

The Bone List: Just The Tip

It's about that time again y'all, where I list three more men who may never know or care but can get it!  Paula Deen had to attend a Klan meeting or something so she is not around to wedding plan (because I am so wholesome)- instead Robin Thicke has come around to set up a love scene with the special dude and I.  Sometimes it's not about the dude being 'the one', it is about sticking a finger in dat ass.

Let's begin with Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson...

Admittedly, I have my brother to thank for this crush.  My bro was into wrestling (like any young boy) and since I was older and around (because I read comic books and built rockets, no dudes were checking for me), I was the in-house babysitter.  One day while watching wrestling with him and thinking how CHEESEY it was...until The Rock came on the screen and did that tongue thing "can you smelllllll what The Rock is cooking'. At that time I didn't understand what I was 'smelling', I was a teenage girl with these warm feelings in my loins at the sight of his flicking tongue.  I didn't know what cunnilingus was!!!  I just knew The Rock was onto something and I wanted that something to be ME!
He is the perfect mix of manly, FINE and funny.  I like a guy I can laugh with who can still inifiltrate my feminine quarters with gusto!  Sometimes he works out TOO much for me, but that tongue thing would help me get over it.

Robin's 'What Rhyme's With Hug Me' Vision: Talk about ambiguous ethnic fun!  I see this going down in a club.  Thumping beats, sweaty bodies and plenty of roofie-ing...*ahem* I mean wooing.  The Rock just grabs Honey T on the dance floor.  She'll try to fight him off, but once she feel's his erection bumping against her ass, she'll just go with it.  He'll say: I know you want this.  Of course she will because they all do.  He then takes her into a bathroom stall and...if I have to tell you the rest you ain't doin' it right.


Next up, Russell Wong!

WOW!  It's like I am going down memory lane...but not really because even the Russell Wong of today CAN.GET.IT!  He first came on my vag scene (woah) when I laid eyes on him in the film New Jack City.  Then there was The Joy Luck Club...and then the TV show Vanishing Son.  I was an avid Russell Wong fan.  He seemed gentle and deep.  Also like he would protect my shit while putting that 'hi yah' all up in my jade treasure cave.  Giving me that peiking duck all up in my steam bun....
I can go on but I'll stop because I am making myself hungry (hungrier).

Robin's 'What Rhymes With Hug Me' Vision: Massage parlor.  In a Chinatown somewhere.  Honey T is on a table-she is expecting a woman because she is playing all shy with her body.  Russell comes in like a ninja, slips the sheet off that is covering her needy body.  She opens her eyes all alarmed, but Russell puts a finger on her mouth to keep her quiet.  He then slowly begins rubbing her body all the while hitting pressure points that cause her to pass out.  He then climbs on top of her, spreads her honey colored thighs and...if I need to continue, y'all better ask somebody and learn today.


Lastly and certainly not least, Colin Kirkpatrick...though that is not his last name, I think it's Kaepernick or something that should be Kirkpatrick so I can remember it....

I don't know where he came from, what he is...barely know that he plays football.  I just know from the moment I saw him on the cover of GQ I was like: who the eff is that?!
He has that certain je ne sais quois that makes me moist and willing to push aside my lack of athlete love.  We may not have much to talk about, but then again it would be hard for  him to talk if I am sitting on his face. OH SNAP!

There is also this:


Nuff said!

Robin's 'What Rhymes With Hug' Vision:  My man Colin is throwing a pool party and Honey T is dragged there by one of her well meaning friends.  To get away from all the fun, Honey T finds her way into C-man's bedroom where she begin tweeting about this wack ass pool party she and her 'prude-like' tendencies have been subjected to.  Colin comes in wearing his swim trunks and just smirks at Honey T.  She is nervous, but she knows what she wants.  He comes over to her on his bed and proceeds to hold her down, she struggles at first, but then stops when Colin pulls out his big dick.  He then....if I have to tell you the rest, then you should just go home to your 50 cats and stop breathing.








Wednesday, September 4, 2013

The Thing About Robin Thicke...



There is this pic going around with Robin Thicke fingering some tricks ass and a story is trickling out about how he  made out with the chick and used the pick-up line 'I like the fact that you're so young'...
Now, when this all came out I was like: I can totally see he and Paula Patton having an open marriage- whatever the fuck that is.
Open marriage because I don't see Robin cheating on Paula, I think they have an understanding.  Not just cuz she's hot either...





She is, but they have known each other/been together for so long (since high school) and I think they would totally have some agreement about the other vagina's and penis's for them to play with.  Like Will n' Jada, I think they swing too.  #Hollyweird
I just don't understand an open marriage though...

I mean, 'open marriages' and 'open relationships' make no kinda sense to me.  People have TRIED to explain them and I just look at them and continue wondering if any of my freckles (on my face) are cancerous. 
I just don't understand...you wanna be with one person but fuck other people?  Why not just date?  Why get married?  Je ne comprende pas.  *le sigh*
In any case, I can totally see Robin Thicke and Paula Patton having this kind of arrangement simply because...they are famous n' shit.  Also, Thicke writes a lot of rape-y songs- example A.  I remember dancing to that Jordan Knight song in college and thinking: holding you down in my bed? WTF?!...but then I kept gyrating/ air sexing the air/dancing because I enjoyed the song.  Anytime Jordan Knight can wear a cream colored cable knit turtleneck and STILL make me moist....
Where was I?
Oh yes, so 'open marriage' aside, I just think Robin Thicke is a jackass and am done with him.  Not his music, but him and his entire entity.  I hate sleaze.  Hate it.
Have your open situation, but respect it.  Like there should be no Instagram photos of you fingering some trifling skanks ass...you have a KID for goodness sake.
Look at me being all wholesome n' shit...
But seriously, you're raising a lil boy who will be like: fuck all da ho's.
 Just another disrespectful dude to add to the bunch.  Think about the children, folks, for they are our future!!

Another thought is that if it was Paula being so sloppy with the dick, Robin's next album would be all Coldplay remixes for he would be HEARTBROKEN.  His ego shattered.  His pants would be a little looser.  He would take his shades off (for once) showing his eyes clouded with emotions.
Ugh.

So yeah, I find Robin Thicke to be mad sleazy and I am turned off by him.  I no longer want to engage in any type of sexual activity with him- which wouldn't happen any way because I may look young...but I am not.  Plus if he's fuckin' straight TRASH, then my temple of womanly libations would be of no interest to him.

Robin Thicke may you choke on several used condoms and be roofied and then' man handled' by 18 gay lions.