Friday, October 29, 2010

The Place Where I Work: Crackle, Pop

Today as I was about to grab lunch, I stopped and chatted with Snacki and RiRi (RiRi works with Snacki and is called RiRi because of her new haircut and awesome (less whore-like) style of dress-she reminds me of Rihanna)
Anywho, so Snacki and RiRi are pissed. I can tell because Snacki is shaking her head…slowly, and RiRi is standing and aggressively making the fist to palm hand motion. There is also bloodlust and murder in their eyes.
Snacki says: someone is going to get thrown into traffic today!
I say: Ooooo I know who it is!
It had to be Slutty Small Arm. She decided to pop some professional shit with both Snacki and RiRi-not cool. I laugh and say that people like Slutty Small Arm always do that kinda shit. Not only is she a pathological liar she is a kiss-ass. Ugh. This was enough to limit (and by limit I mean totally forfeit) any interaction with her. I barely look at her-because I know the one time she tries her bullshit with me I am throwing into traffic. Not a good look.
Slutty Small Arm was audacious enough to tap RiRi on the shoulder and inquire about her makeup hook-up. Woah. Gotta give them types props for sheer not.giving.a.fuck.

In other news- GUESS what I spent the greater part of my afternoon doing???
I spent it play-pretending I work for Hallmark or Kate’s Papiere! Sounds like fun but not when you want to sleep at your desk or read more of the book ‘The Hunger Games’ by Suzanne Collins that you stayed up into the wee hours reading which is why you want to sleep at your desk.
No, instead you are gritting your teeth because of your limited Photoshop and ‘giving a fuck’ skills. OH, I should explain that I was making the card for Mr. Burns girlfriend. Seems it's her birthday and his assistant got shitty cards so he’s like can ya make me one some how involving pics of my ADORABLE baby girl- seriously, she is adorable…like I’ve been anti OLD ASS sperm (he is older than his baby mama who is like 3 years older than ME) but if it produces these kinda results, then I’m on board.
So, there I am maneuvering pics and birthday clip art, and again wondering how I got here. The end results were pretty stellar and both Mr. Burns and I were impressed with my skills- I will NEVER be able to do this again.
All will be made better during Happy Hour tonight with Texas, Snacki and RiRi. Should be A.BLAST. I don’t expect to pick up any ‘after work delights’ because I feel my look today is ‘Betsey Johnson (designer, not model) hair sans clip-ins’ and with my blousey floral shirt, I am like a pregnant (thanks to bloat) grunge chick in the 90’s. I doubt this look will be reeling them in…but who knows-there really is enough for everyone.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Allow Me This One Racist Thing

Maybe it’s the change in seasons or becoming racist with old age, but I find myself saying ‘I hate White people’ out loud or in my head a lot lately. I do realize that as woman of color I CAN say that and peeps have to deal as opposed to a White person saying ‘I hate Black people’-where that’s just racist. Ha. Like P!nk says: sometimes it be’s like that.
Also see: he who has the most power, slavery, signs that read: coloreds only-that usually meant it was shittier, Mad Men, etc. as to why it is okay for me to say it- besides the fact that some of my closest friends are White, along with the fact that most of my family members/people that ‘know’ me believe I am destined to marry a White man. I have no idea what this means, but if he can cook and deep dick-I’m in!

Anyways, I usually keep racist acts/thoughts/words in perspective- but I have moments when I’ve had.it.up.to.here. When confronted with any kind of blatant racism I usually say something or remove myself from the situation mostly because I know my limits as a person and I know that jail time won’t do me any good.
First, I hate confined spaces and second, the one piece jumpsuit won’t bode well on my body. I mention jail time because if I don’t remove myself I will get to killing. Slaying. Blood-shed.
I also tend to keep my mental/emotional game from going haywire with humor. You have to laugh at a lot of the things to keep from hating/killing people.

Sometimes ignorance can be misconstrued as blatant racism, and when that happens I see if it’s worth correcting the person- like a boss who asked if I was ‘mulatto’. Yes, she allowed herself to let that escape her lips- this was AFTER she compared my skin tone to another coworker who was Brazilian and was out in the sun a bit. At the time, I hadn’t been able to get my sun on so he was a tad darker- she told me I should be ashamed. Oh, and yes she was White. Anyways, so when she asked about the whole ‘mulatto’ thing, after gripping my desk for about two minutes fighting the urge to punch her in the throat, I was able to let the pleasant thoughts of miniature horses carrying milkshakes comfort me as I explained how that was a derogatory term…and so on. She said she didn’t know that and I let her know that she did now. Of course this didn’t change anything about her disgustingly racist ass, but it stopped her from using the term ‘mulatto’-just in case there’s that one day the miniature horses aren’t enough or I’m pms’ing and I just started choking her.

There are many ignorance levels when it comes to race and I’ve been encountering or hearing about encounters that seem to be the norm lately. For instance when people of other races approach me in a hood-like/ebonified/’down’ way.
Example: hey girrrrl!
This mostly happens at work, but it has happened at numerous places and events. It is usually greeted by my silent stare. Sometimes if I am feeling chipper I just say ‘hi’ and then walk away. I find (along with a few other people of color) that whole ‘hey girl’/ ‘what up dawg’ (for men) really offensive because it is not how I greet ANYONE. Not even my close friends- and if I do it's because I am joking. So when people assume that because I am Black, naturally, this is how one should greet me…it pisses me off! Now, there are people of all colors that just greet everyone this way and that’s fine, but when you say ‘what up girl’ to me and ‘hello so n’ so’ to say a White coworker standing near- and you don’t know either of us well- I’m going to assume you’re a dumbass and only speak with you if it’s job related- and even then sparingly because of the whole killing thing.
Another example would be the time I was out dancing with my friends Ang and La. Ang is Italian and La is Black. This girl bypasses Ang and I and heads straight for La with: heyyyy girrrl, you’ve got some moves, you gotta show me your moves.
Yes, this girl was White. Now, Ang and I are great dancers as well but Ang is White and I am…what am I really? Usually I just get Dominican…so we’ll say Dominican, so I figured the girl thought I couldn’t speak American. La happens to have skin the color of a dark chocolate truffle- or as she says: there’s no second guessin’ I’m Black, now you…(she usually shrugs at this point, and then we laugh and fight off dudes with sticks)
La is also a lot nicer than Ang and I who had no time for this girl. The girl even noticed how much I didn’t care for her, she says to La: she doesn’t like me, does she? La responds: no she doesn’t.
Then the girl goes on to let La know she wants her (La) to dance with her boyfriend. La is one of my favorite people because she kept her cheery demeanor and responded with: oh no, I am not dancing with your boyfriend because then I would also be taking him home and boning him.
Though I loved La’s response because it was true and it made the girl walk away, I got so pissed I thought I was going to tackle the girl. Perhaps it was the vodka but I got all 'Malcolm X philosophical' with it when I explained I was angry because that girl felt it was okay to offer her boyfriend because Black women aren’t seen as a threat sexually because we’ll never be as attractive as White women. This girl thought it was okay to let her boyfriend dance with La, this beautiful Black woman, because it would mean nothing- I mean why would it,’it’s not like she’s on ‘our’ level’. I then went on about the psychology of beauty and blah blah blah. When I was done, I swear I sweat the perm out of my hair and had on a knit vest with matching pants all in kente cloth!!
I eventually calmed down and just muttered as I looked through my Instyle or Marie Claire magazine.

Those were just a few examples but think about the many years I’ve been on this planet and all the people I’ve met and places I’ve been and multiply that by 100 and sort of understand why I would even think/ say out loud: I hate White people…except for my friends of course.
It doesn’t help in the big picture, but in the smaller vignette that is my life, a little venting keeps me from stabbing/punching/kicking people and then going to jail...and then being unable to marry the White man that is in my destiny.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

The Place Where I Work: Smut.

Today, Texas (used to be Lauren) says to me: you should write smut.
What she meant was that I should write romance novel-like books or create my own smut ‘zine. She feels my colorful word usage would be to my advantage. I looked at her a long while and slowly nodded. Then a light bulb- a red one (bow chica bow bow)lit above my head. Smut writing would be the best way to relay the latest goings on at the office because I’ll be so busy coming up with clever ways to convey lovemaking that I won’t have time to throw up in my mouth…and then on my desk…and then all over my pants.

Our story begins with Slutty Small Arm (formally known as Baby Arm Me) and her longing to be liked, loved, and okay with having one smaller arm. To cope with life’s obstacles she uses illegal substances and pathologically lies. She hates herself so much, she insists on only wearing short skirts and espadrilles-even though it is Fall. Fall is different from Summer- it is a season where espadrilles and short skirts without stockings/tights/leggings even, should not be worn. Slutty Small Arm can only chat with very few people at the place she works because of that whole being a pathological liar thing and also people like me who see her a mile away- meaning I get that she is a lousy person and hope for her sake she stays in her lane because I have no problem grabbing her by her normal sized arm and throwing her into traffic.
Slutty Small Arm also does the typical ‘I hate myself’ thing of being slutty. It’s one thing to roam and bone, but it’s a whole other thing to screw because you don’t like you- just came up with those off the dome=genius!
Where was I?
Slutty Small Arm has dipped inside the pudding cup- remember Pudding Man, the guy who always seems to be involved in a fierce game of pocket pool whenever I see him. He tries to out sexual harass me…and loses. He is all around a sleazy dude but has the creamiest chocolate skin…anyways he’s MARRIED. Married and showed Slutty Small Arm that there’s always room for his Jello…Pudding…Pop. Yes! Not having reached her full slut potential, Slutty Small Arm decides to allow Skanky Jew (formally known as Mark Darcy, remember him? I mentioned him awhile back. He’s an English Jew and immediately grossed me out by being sweaty way too often- he would bike to work in his work clothes, ugh. He is also quite sleazy so he fell off my radar-then there’s that time I stumbled upon him in the mail room…he thought he was alone…and he was scratching his ass for like 10 minutes…I think I blogged about it because I like to share my pain), leader of the Skanky Jew Crew (includes another ‘home sewn’ looking Jew and this Black dude that rolls with them).
So, last weekend somehow Slutty Small Arm and Skanky Jew got together and then…got.together. I am imagining a lot of sweat, hair, one small arm and regret. Before she could blink after he pulled his circumcised shaft of David out of her abused womanly hot pocket, he was rushing her out the door. He didn’t even offer her a cab ride home. I must admit I like his skeazy style- I mean really, what did she expect? No sleeping, no breakfast. You gotsta go!
How (WHY) do I know all of this? Another one of Slutty Small Arms flaws is telling people her business…and not frequenting my floor anymore. She was always around, lurking. Now, because the whole Skanky Jew Crew sits on this floor, she is like a memory. Perhaps people will finally realize we are TWO DIFFERENT people!
Having this knowledge has not changed my life nor has it been that entertaining. It has mostly made me sick and kind of want to cut out my lady parts and burn them to a crisp. Of course I perish those thoughts because that would be wasteful and I know there is not enough roofies in the WORLD that would have my lady haven of golden pleasure be defiled by that sweaty gefetlke (sp) fish. Whew.

As for throbbing man probes I'd like to infiltrate my lush feminine resistance, Clark Kent and I have been two ships in the night. I have been busy, actually busy at work and by the time I leave the office I am so focused on getting through the revolving doors I have no time too check in on m'boo. I tried to check in last Friday but instead when he looked at me to say 'bye' with that smile he smiles, I just began laughing goofily and pretty much ran through the revolving doors.
I.am.an.ass.

Monday, October 25, 2010

On Race, TV and Film with Me and B.

**This chat/convo came about when B text me Saturday night while I was out and she was home with her roomie watching 'Why Did I Get Married?'. B had to share the horror of her roomie finding Tyler Perry not only a great actor but HOT! She said he is a Black George Clooney- this blew both me and B's mind and we decided that her roommate needed to associate herself with more Black men.**

me: am still laughing about you and your roomie watching 'why did i get married?'
ahhahaah- that shit was on ALL WEEKEND!

B: DUDE it gets better! When I got home last night she was watching Diary of an Angry Black Woman!

me: HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH. awe-some

B: I was all, "...."

me: and what did she think of that theatrical feat?

B: and I quote, "It's not as good as 'Why Did I get Married?', but it's so much better than 'I Think I Love My Wife'.'!!!!!
Somewhere Spike Lee punched someone and didn't know why.

me: HAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA. definitely! someone got sucker punched in the kneecap

B: I mean, I'm not a black filmmaker, but even I was all, "TYLER PERRY IS MAKING JIM CROW FILM ACCEPTABLE!" ....but then I was all, "Janet Jackson lost her son! This is tragic."

me: HAHAHHAHAHHAHAH
have me reenact that movie for you
you may wanna make it a one woman show
T Does Tyler. it's quite exceptional

B: Um, I need to warn you, my Jill Scott Sad Fat Woman monologues that I've been doing randomly are the shit.

me: woah!
cannot wait till we hang next!!!
i love her 'ACTING' facial expressions
those are the best...when she is trying to be subtle within a beat.
stellar.

B: I do a lot of crying and saying things like, "I prayed to Jesus to save my marriage BUT HE DIDN'T!"
YES! EXACTLY!

me: HAHHAHAHAHAHAH
please tell me when a man kisses you
you say: can we pray now

B: every. day.

me: ... before you do unholy things with each others personal pieces
YAY!

B: I also then wear some spanx and everyone is like YOU ARE A NEW WOMAN
and then I tell my evil ex that he was not my first.

me: HAHHAHAHAHH!

B: then I tell random skinny bitches not tempt me and stay away from the wine bottles.

me: her face during that whole scene is why i hate her!

B: EXACTLY!

me: ahahahhahahaah! well i am a mix of the loud stereotypical black woman and janet jackson

B: I also love that she falls in love with the sheriff because he's like, "big girls need to eat too," like THAT is what seals the deal.

me: ...crying n shit...but with better hair though.
he (Tyler) did ms. jackson WRONG in the hair department
HAHAHAH I KNOW!!!(re:the sheriff n' big girls) he was all like yeah i work out...and we can work out together...

B: seriously. It wasn't cute. And it got progressively worse. (re: janet jackson hair in 'why did i get married?')

me: ...get the fuck outta here...get me some pancakes and a hamhock bitch!
he was like- let's work out...or you can put on some spanx. your choice. i'll love you anyways...because...that's what the script says

B: I like that all the dudes were like, "did she get her stomach stapled," and then make jokes about "working out," which her new man does not deny! HILARIOUS.

me: HAHAHHAHAHAHAH

B: Also - Tyler Perry claiming he has impregnated his dental assistant = delightful.

me: he's all like, its cold in colorado and heat is expensive!! (re: the sheriff still)
HHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

B: HAHAHAHAHA! YES!

me: every time i saw him i kept thinking 'the black george clooney'and laughing

B: seriously, it's making me laugh now! Then - last night - when I realized Camille from Bones was in Diary of an Angry Black Woman as Tyler Perry's drugged out ex I was all indignant like, "CAMILLE WOULD NEVER LEAVE HER DAUGHTER FOR CRACK! I HATE YOU TYLER PERRY!"

me: HAHAHAHAHHAAHHAHAHAHAH! with the bangs and on the crack!
then again if my hubby was gay and dressed as a older sassy black woman
i would smoke crack too! i forget...the angry black woman...is this the one with shemar moore?? and she's in jail...or the one where the hubby has the big house and cheats on her with some yellow girl...i get them all confused

B: Big house, yellow girl. which is the one where Medea is in jail and meets the drug addict?

me: ahhhh when madea cuts the couch in half with a chainsaw....
oh man

B: YES!
and madea all doesn't want to pray because she hates god.
hahahaha, oh Madea.

me: hahhahahahhahahha

B: T this is basically one of the better conversations we've had in a long time.

me: fuck.madea.
hahahahah i think so

B: Exactly!

me: it may be blogged

B: her low slung boobs are so distracting!

me: it's relative as well as intelligent (re:our chat)

B: Man do you think my roommate is going to start watching House of Payne now?
Because I might have to draw the line.

me: or that coonery 'meet the browns'?
hate.both!

B: I literally cannot stop laughing! YOU SAID COONERY! Oh dear lord help me.

me: hahahahhahaha that is allllllllll it is
the commercials (even) make me sooo angry. ANGRY!

B: Meet the Browns does for the african american coomunity what King of Queens did to the caucausians = SHAMED US ALL!

me: the only movie of t.p's that i didn't despise wholly was 'the family that preys'
HAHAHAHH
dude
I LOVE king of queens
come on!
doug!
deacon! (can get it)
i would compare meet the browns to like...the hills or something
or them kardashians

B: DUDE. DOUG IS A FAT LARD ASS WITH A HOT WIFE.

me: ...them shows make whites looks horrific

B: WHO PUTS UP WITH HIS DICKISH BEHAVIOR!

me: HAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAH

B: THEY HAVE TOKEN BLACK FRIENDS!
IT'S SO AWKWARD!

me: which they acknowledge as token

B: NOT MAKING IT LESS AWKWARD!

me: hahahha you're right...but doug has a nice face...ahhahah

B: oh. my. god. You want to do Kevin James.
THAT'S WHAT THIS IS ABOUT

me: you're right though, i would've left his big ass 2 shows in
no. no i don't.

B: KEVIN JAMES IS YOUR TYLER PERRY IF YOU WERE MY ROOMMATE!

me: i have had some weird tastes...but deacon- the token black wins on that show.
HAHAHAHAHHAHA
NO HE ISN'T!

B: I would do Jerry Stiller.

me: he (kevin james) is not the white idris elba!
no and no!

B: The randomly Jewish father to two clearly catholic characters.

me: hahahahhahahaha
I LOVE JERRY STILLER!

B: ME TOO!

me: oh and patton oswalt
aka spence

B: It's gonna be a sad day when he dies. (re: Jerry Stiller)

me: dude, will not work that day

B: He creeps me out. He looks like maybe he's got a creepy peen.

me: ...and will spend the day yelling for no reason
wait...who hahahaha
spence or stiller?

B: LOL
Patton.

me: AH....AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

B: We got distracted by Stiller inevitable death.
Noooow you're with me!

me: i have NEVER thought of his penis
and now i am!

B: Who, Jerry Stiller's?! NOW I AM THINKING ABOUT JERRY STILLER'S PENIS! THIS IS YOUR FAULT!

me: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! no
do not do that. it's like thinking of jesus's penis.
don't.

B: One thing we can all agree on:
Everybody loves Raymond is a terrible, terrible show.
Also - two and a half men.
AND the New adventures of Old Christine.

me: never watched 2 and half men

B: Me either.
The idea of watching it gives me hives.

me: my mom LOVES raymond which is why i've even seen it
and i have chuckled, but it annoys the fuck out of me
YES
and old christine i have tried it
and am like: ahhh...white people...and wanda sykes.

B: True story: once during a game of cranium I had to do an impression of Eddie Murphy and everybody thought I was Wanda Sykes.

me: HAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAH
somehow i can see how that would happen
they both like leather
and white women

B: HA! What's unsettling is that I was doing a Shrek-based impression.

me: HAHAHHAHAAHHA-good times.

Friday, October 22, 2010

My PSA for ‘It Gets Better’…No Really…

Lately, peeps have been killing themselves because they are being bullied- straight, gay, in between- and this is NONSENSE.

*pause*
I wish I could do this video style like other peeps but due to my lack of having a camera and being incognito…just wouldn’t work. Okay I have a camera that can record but that would require downloading the video from my camera and then trying to edit and add effects (because I go allll out). Some would say get.an.iPhone. and I say: fuck that. So…
*end pause*

Everyone is acting all brand new to this bullying thing and kids nowadays have become weaker. WEAK-ER!
Dig if you will this picture: me, a chubby glasses wearing braces having Black girl who grew up in an mostly White neighborhood and knew she was Black but people always questioned it because she wasn’t ‘hood enough’ and she never wanted to be hood and thought that with the Cosby’s this would be okay but it wasn’t so she went to school-public school in New York City AND took the train everyday and had to deal with that daily nonsense along with life/hormonal/social nonsense and not be the coolest/hottest/best dressed girl in school because her mom didn’t believe in labels which were BIG growing up in the 90’s and no guys wanted to date her and no girls wanted to be her so she was a gamer nerd who wrote a lot and would sit in her room for hours recording talk shows on the karaoke machine her parents got because she was going to be the next Oprahhhhhhhhhh or be the best radio DJ ever…and that was me.

I wasn’t tormented/bullied, but I was consistently made fun of on a sometimes daily basis. If I didn’t have my mind and my wit- 2 of my greatest gifts- I would’ve succumbed to the abuse by becoming someone I wasn’t and trying to fit in. I never ever cared about fitting in- not like I was Lady Gaga avaunt gard with it, but I always found strength in doing me. It is one of the things that may be seen a fault-how much I don’t care about how many people like me or if who I am is keeping me from having a man/child/ man who wants to plow me till I have a child- people who like me (you) will do so regardless and it works out when you’re yourself because you know they’re legit!

It seems very ‘tough love’ to say that kids who succumb to bullies are weak- but they are! Everyone has been bullied or made to feel ashamed at school. It’s a part of life- and you learn as you get older that life is like high school (same hierarchy) and the bully types will always be there so buck.the.fuck.up!...or Google ‘tai bo’ and get with the ass kicking.
Now, being bullied for your sexuality is whole other bag of apples. I usually say people sooo opposed to anyone/thing different from themselves are usually scared or envious- when it comes to sexuality I think it’s repression. In any case, it’s heinous and I want all my bullied gays/lesbians/trans genders/and what-not to know that it does indeed get slightly better- bigots are pretty much an epidemic so I can’t say life will be filled with kittens wrapped in gold lame`. What I will say is that these people don’t matter and in a few years when you’re on a road trip and stop at a WaWa and they’re warming up your corndog, you’ll be all like: shit…really?

So go on and live your life and know that there are bigger things to worry about like taxes and ‘The Situation’ writing a book (THIS FUCKING HAPPENED!!!!!AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH).
With the good and bad that has happened with my life the one thing I am proud of is the strength to always be myself and okay with my faults, weaknesses and non-cool factors. Do your best at doing/being you and life will always be gravy.

LOVE (with a hint of objective hate).

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Conversations With Ice: Calling Out


Time for another conversation with my should-be friend Ice T...

Ice T is back from vacay and I am out of my slump. We are driving around in his Bentley-he is actually driving- listening to a ridin' mix he has put together. The mix includes: Hall & Oates, Naughty by Nature, Queen, Katy Perry (ugh) and many others. Ice says we are going to this spot in Brooklyn he remembers having the best chicken n’ waffles. We’ve been driving around Brooklyn for about 2 hours and he has hit repeat on Katy Perry’s song ‘Teenage Dream’. He is also singing along.

Me: What the fuck, Ice!

Ice T: (he finishes the chorus and then responds) You’re only allowed to curse three times in the Bentley. So that’s one…

Me: I think it should be upped to six times because you’re playing Katy Perry- and I know you’ve got some Black Eyed Peas on this mix too!-

Ice T: You need to slow your roll. Am I not driving you around in my Bentley to find the best chicken and waffles I have ever eaten?

Me: If you mean I should be thankful for driving around Brooklyn in your Bentley looking for a spot that was probably in California-

Ice T: It’s here in Brooklyn, crabby. (we are at a red light, he looks at me a bit) Your aura seems real disrespectful today. Thought we were over this.

Me: It’s not that I don’t respect you…it’s that I saw somewhere that you called Treach one of the greats-

Ice T: That’s cuz he is…

Me: You think Treach is one of the greatest rappers…for real? Like ‘O.P.P’ or ‘Alright’ were great feats of wordsmithery-

Ice T: Stop being uppity.

Me: This from the dude with Katy Perry on repeat…

Ice T: I am not uppity. I just have excellent taste- and do you really wanna go there with me? Two words: Topaz. Jenkins.

Me: That hurts, Ice.

Ice T: That blog hurt my head-what the fuck was that?

Me: First, how many times are YOU allowed to curse? And secondly, you read my blog? (place my hand over my heart and swoon a little)

Ice T: First, it’s my Bentley. Second, of course I do. Sweet T, don’t act brand new to our friendship.

Me: You’re right. Just like I’m allowed to have a few off blogs…you’re allowed to think Treach is a rap great and listen to Katy Perry.

Ice T: Shit, that waffle place IS in California. We’ll go to Juniors, my treat…

Me: You’re so lucky I like you Ice. Lucky.

The End.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Hand Full of Paper Cuts: The Legend of Topaz Jenkins

Yesterday while I put together about 45 PowerPoint presentations-and then bound them (into books), I not only got many, many paper cuts, I wondered where I went wrong in life.
Then I thought back to Saturday when I was happy. Happily hanging with some peeps and driving upstate while listening to Prince and Plies (thanks to J’s Apple Picking Soundtrack). We drove to Warwick, NY, and along the way we passed through a handsome town called Tuxedo. When I saw the stone housed post office I knew this could be the place for me when the city was too much…and when I am not writing books on the Amalfi Coast (with a typewriter of course).

Due to yesterday sucking sooooo hard I thought of writing one of my graphic poems but feared it would be too vulgar for even me…then stumbled deeper into my imagination and thought about a short story series about me if I lived in Tuxedo, NY, and was named Topaz Jenkins and opened a sports bar named Balls!!
I would tell tall tales of Topaz and her small town hijinks's. Also being a woman with a bar named: Balls-I would try to think up clever puns involving balls n' such. It would be a story filled with heart and soul...then I realized I would be living the Gilmore Girls in real life- which was discussed on Saturday (along with singing the theme to the show with B). No daughter, but I can talk fast and a lil quippy...
Anyways, Topaz Jenkins was an unassuming money counter at a strip club when her aunt Pam 'Balls" Grier decides to take a trip around the world leaving Topaz to take care of her house and her bar-Balls. Aunt Pam used to play on a few women's basketball leagues....

Must end this here because my brain hurts and my jaw is clenched because I've been using my brain too much lately and it stresses me out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Friday, October 15, 2010

The Place Where I Work: Fisting Friday

Today-pretty much since I set my caramel macchiato on my desk this AM-I have been working. Like intense, tedious bullshit working. Wanting to stab people with dull objects working.
It’s your job you say. And I say: BUT IT’S FRIDAYYYYYY!
THEN, THEEENNNN I find out that my future/sex/love/hubby Jake Gyllenfuck was in my neighborhood. You live in New York City you say- but my neighborhood is wayyyyyyyyyy out in Brooklyn that thankfully isn’t of interest to hipsters or yuppies. So he was just out there doing God knows what and I am in Midtown getting assraped- figuratively!
The only thing that kept me from taking a stapler to some skulls was getting eyefucked by Clark Kent. There I was, coming back from a much needed 10 minute walk around the block-or some blocks- when I come back and see him there. Glassesless and sucking on a candy- I am wayyyy too done to even come up with something clever about one of my body parts he was thinking of. (That is how much this day has sucked)
Anyways, there I am and there he is. Smiling. I say ‘hi’. Then he says ‘hello’ and proceeds with the eyefucking. OF COURSE this was being interrupted by another guard I call Shorty NoNeck who insists on thinking he’s funny and asking me questions about my life. Dude, stop stalking me- UNLESS he’s finding out info for my beloved Clark Kent…Hmmm.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

My Apologies...

Don’t think that I’ve just been slacking (with the whole blog thing-to the 2 of you that read this hot hot mess). I’ve been busy. No, not busy getting deep dicked or anything fun like that- no, I’ve just been busy with work. WORK.
Sure it pays my bills and affords me a lavish lifestyle of dining out and shopping at Target, but when I am too busy to type up my usual ramblings it makes me sad. Thankfully I’ve been able to re-edit and punch up the chapters I have been working on for the first of my many books I am coming out with. So all hasn’t been lost.

Lets see…what has been going on…
Oh besides everyone divorcing- I have been doing that myself. Just letting some people go. You have to. For your sanity, for theirs. Whatever keeps you (i.e. me) from kicking, stabbing or punching someone is always a good thing.
Mostly you have to let go because you only have so much room in your heart for their bullshit AND all these new people you’re meeting or are bound to meet- have to pick n’ choose.
…man, if I was putting in long hours at work because I spent most of my afternoon getting plowed by Clark Kent’s locomotive (am I reaching with that one??)- then I wouldn’t mind being over worked. Sadly, for you and me that is not the case. You should be sad because- imagine how descriptive I would be about our lovemaking sessions!

Snacki, an awesome chick who works one floor up (pretty much she and Lauren are the only ones I talk to and don’t want to choke on the daily) has revealed she too wants to be all up on Clark Kent like a Mens Warehouse suit. I told her I would cut her. For now, we are working together to figure out his deal. If he’s single, has kids, is decent and if his well muscled bod is compensating for his lack of wang. Hmmm.
Snacki is called Snacki because she and I have had 20 minute discussions about food. That makes you special in my book (world, blog). Maybe I should give Lauren a name-don’t want her to feel left out- her name shall be Texas because that’s where she’s from! I know I’m a clever one.

Remind me to tell ya about my online dating life. Don’t get it twisted- I am not all out there dating n’ shit, but I have some awesome stories to share. More on that…perhaps tomorrow if I am not spending the afternoon getting ‘smushed’ by CK in a broom closet- no more Waldorf because there are bedbugs. Remind me to ya about my itchy upon mentioning FEAR of bedbugs. Again, a story for another time.
I’m back for the most part though. The insanity continueth!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Monday, October 11, 2010

Three Way.

This should also be called: Lazy Blog.
Basically it's been an assraping Monday-but I definitely had a brief moment of clarity- I was able to chat with B and E. Definitely a highlight to the day!

B = friend, lover of felines, partner in high crime, ex-coworker x's dos (meaning we worked together at 2 previous jobs)

E = casual acquaintance, future ghost sex-er, a favorite text buddy, used to work with B and I at a previous job


me: now its a party

E: aw jeez

B: oh my god THREEWAY!

me: no aw jeez- all weekend no vids!
YES!! finally. I knew this would happen one day (in regards to 3way)

B: I'm gonna be honest here. I don't know how I feel about this.

E: why?

me: 3way? or E not supplying the ghost sex tape?

B: Yes. Yes to all of it.

me: dude, it was bound to happen...and E will fall asleep in about 2 secs...and then you and I can discuss Bones n' shit

E: no smoke?

B: Yeah (Honey T/me), this isn't one instant where you can make an exception to the tule?
HA
rule, rather.
....hahaha, tule.

E: do you guys just wanna have your own convo and leave me out

me: never E, chat..

E: why do you have to bring me into this, I'm busy

B: and what, I'm sitting on my thumb? I'm booking like, eight conference rooms right now!

me: dude, ordering oxfords from abercrombie & fitch ain't work, yo

E: yea but it makes me look busy

me: ....i was busy...and now i am not

B: (Honey T/me) look at E pretending like he doesn't love this.

me: I KNOW! he gets 1 year older and 1 chest hair n' thinks he's the shit

B: this is what happens when your girlfriend has yet to become a woman. You get notions.

E: ...and a ball hair. oh btw home boy is single and ready to mingle. hide yo daughters hide yo wives

me: good for you E! we should go for dacquiri's!! ebomb's rapin everybody!

B: Whoa dude - I'll sound the alarm!

me: hahahaahha

B: he needs practice - hence the ghost sex!

E: now it all makes sense

me: yes! especially if you ever plan on dating WOMEN and not 12 yr olds. sex game has to be tizzight.

B: See? We're secretly helping you all along.

me: like fairy godmothers n' shit

E: its like a cycle

me: cycle?

E: yea why dont you fairy godmothers hook up boy up then

me: well what's your type? amish? kim kardashian-ish (i.e. whore), blondes? black chicks? ricans?

E: thin blond chicks. what are you working with...got anything in stock? and you know i am with the age... like to have one hand in the cradle

B: I think we should set him up with that mormon girl who was kidnapped.
Elizabeth Smart. She plays the harp and was a sex slave.

E: ewww! thats messed up, i feel dirty

B: what? Kidnapped girls need love too, E.

E: not from me

me: seriously

E: i'm looking for a girl with a degree

me: and she won't mind the ghost sex-she's seen worse

B: Elizabeth Smart graduated from BYU. She's smart, dude!

me: holla!

E: yea but shes a freak. like messed up

me: she prolly doesn't mind a good donkey punch either

B: I thought dude's were into baggage!

me: me too

E: not me so much. i'm more of the nice girl from a good family that enjoys sailing, and red wine

me: hmmm hence 12 yr olds. hhahhahahhahahhaha- i mean..uh huunh

E: wait (Honey T/me) "mee too" that means you enjoy a donkey punch from time to time too?

B: so you want to date the idea of j crew model?

E: yea why not? dont you?

me: no, i meant i thought men were into baggage as well
no, white people suck

E: uh huhhhh

me: except for B of course

E: i hate white ppl

B: it's true, I am awesome.

E: i voted for obama

me: hahahhahaha HAHAHHAHAHA

E: hah

me: and now you regret it teabagger!

B: E aren't you Muslim?

E: WAS! muslim now jew! shalom biotch

B: whoa, that just happened.

me: okay...B, i am thinking a girl who goes to like nyu but works at sephora and seriously reads them shopaholic books like literature.
shalom!!

E: wait who is this girl?

me: the girl B and i are going to find for you when we're not out getting deeply dicked.

E: and yes, i would def date a girl that owns confessions of a shopaholic dvd collectors edition


me: see!

B: I was gonna say - I have no time to get
E ass! I need to get myself ass!

E: your a girl getting ass is easy, open your legs

me: puhlease- there's a difference between getting ass and getting deeply dicked

B: whoa dude.

E: yea


B:
crap - guys, I've gotta cheese it for a bit - work beckons.

E: lemme know what you find. ill be here

me: yeah and i've gotta get my afternoon fix. brb. E will see what i see on the streets.

E: ok cool

Friday, October 8, 2010

The Place Where I Work: Jean Day Social

In honor of raising money for Breast Cancer Research, a few of us wore jeans in to work. Some people even donated money-including me (aww).
Wearing denim is an almost freeing experience. It causes one to think it's a weekend- if your job includes wearing 'corporate work gear on the daily'- which may cause one to relax. Here are a few events that prove my denim within the confines of muted colored walls theory:

- Feeling all relaxed, I strolled up to Clark Kent and asked him if he had a twin-this was me being smoov- he looked at me dumbfounded and shook his head 'no'. Still feeling relaxed, I added that I only thought he had a twin because of the no glasses and shorter hair. He chuckled and said he may have a twin that wears contacts sometimes. By then I realized what a lame I was being and started walking away. Like I didn't say 'bye' or give him a social cue that the conversation was over. I just walked away.

- Baby Arm Me was pulling a large box on a cart while Mecurio watched. FINALLY, when there was a large thud because she bumped into something, he went to help her. I watched this whole scene play out and did.not.laugh.

- Mercutio (don't remember what I called him) and I then took an elevator together. He with his Lacoste gym bag me with my purse and look of disdain. He complained about all the food he ate at lunch and how HARD he had to work out because of it. Then he added that once back from the gym he was going to eat some pound cake. This endeared him to me. We are buddies now!

YAY for Jean Day!!!!!

Thursday, October 7, 2010

The Place Where I Work: Elevator Wars

The Scene: Main lobby elevators, lunch time.

The Players: Me, Old Instigator, Chica Uno, Chica Dos

The Play by Play:

After an awkward joke with a guard- *sidebar/backstory*
I am a temp and therefore not to be trusted with an elevator access card so various guards get to tap me in much to their delight. The guard today is new yet still with the ole: imma charge ya 5 bucks to let ya in joke.
So I come back from the MEGA LUNCHROOM and need to be let back into the elevator bank that takes me back to my office. Thinking that new guard was young and maybe had personality...when I go to request being let in I say: hey can you stop looking at porn on your iPhone and let me in, please.
I did this because he was looking on his iPhone.
He stares at me a bit and then begins walking me to the elevator bank. Silence. The he says he was checking messages from his mom. More silence.
Woah.
....and we're back!

I enter the elevator back and see Old Instigator and Chica Uno standing there waiting. Chica Uno smiles at me. I warily smile back- I don't trust friendly people.
Elevator doors open and Chica Dos steps out. Chica Uno calls out to her, they hug. Old Instigator and I get in the elevator-BUT- Chica Uno and Dos want to hop in (last minute style)...and the doors close in their faces.

Old Instigator: She saw your face!
Me: She saw my face do what?
Old Instigator: She saw your face, she knows you let the doors close on her.
Me: Oh well...and I didn't. Elevator doors close. It happens regularly.
Old Instigator: Well she saw you-
Me: I am nice to look at.

Silence the rest of the thankfully short ride.

I do realize it is now on and will expect retribution from Chica Dos.
I'll be waiting.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

The Place Where I Work: Oh No She Didn't!

Yes. She. Did!
Baby Arm Me has gone the EXTRA mile and got herself some bangs (did she cut them herself?)! Two weeks ago I got a haircut which included some face pleasing bangs. Everyone has bangs you say but I am calling bullshit on this because she got hers like yesterday! After two weeks of watching me get.it (and by get.it I mean causing more of the office sleaze to mess their slacks) even in the rain, she wants in and got herself some bangs!
What’s saving her from getting long disdainful looks from me is that mine are better- hers look good on her but I win because I am an all around better person AND my cheekbones. Try to go against my cheekbones-and I feel comfortable in saying that- you will LOSE every single time! Except if you’re Naomi Campbell or Angelina Jolie or something…that might be a battle. Otherwise, forgettaboutit!
Some say that copying is a form of flattery but I think it’s fucked up and she is like 3 steps from moving in on my Clark Kent arena. Then I’ll have to cut a bitch. She can have Taye Diggs and whomever else tickles her fancy, but CK is MINE. Well, it’s not like we’re gonna fight by a pool for him but I would totally close some elevator doors in her face and trip her on the escalator.
I think Baby Arm Me should reevaluate her situation and realize it isn’t worth it. She should also realize it is a losing battle-two words: cheek.bones.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Conversations With Ice: Vacation!


Here is another conversation I would have with Ice T if he and I were friends in real life (like WE SHOULD BE). Peeps tell me to join Twitter and follow him and my response to them is: fuck.that.shit.
If it is meant to be then so it shall...

Since Ice T and Coco (his wife) are on vacation in South Beach- and I am left here all cold n’ alone- Ice and I decided to Skype because we both get a lil antsy when we don’t get to chat.
Ice is sitting on beach with his laptop, once in a while I see Coco’s boob or ass cheek when she is not in the water. I am sitting indoors under fluorescent lighting.

Ice T: You don’t look so chipper…chipmunk?

Me: Oh, now you get all perky when you’re on the beach-

Ice T: I’m not even perky…it may be them five Mai Tai’s I had though…

Me: Whatevs.

Ice T: Don’t be so bitter, it ain’t cute. Coco asked if you wanted to come-

Coco: (her left boob and chin appear in the corner of the screen) I did! I remember after I posted my Thong Thursday Twitter pic I sent you a message asking to join us in South Beach but you said something about having a date…

Ice T: Wow, you go on those?

Me: Yeah I do Ice with your dad!

Ice T: Hush your mouth, Sweet T. One date with my pops and you’ll be turned out and cooking three-course meals with nothing but some pearls and five inch heels.

Me: That is not only highly unlikely, it is unsanitary.

Coco: (left boob and chin appear again) Not if you shave down there…

Ice T: She don’t know nothing about that Coco that’s why she only gets a date and not dates. (chuckles)

Me: Is this gangsta Skyping? Y’all gonna gang up on me- I’ll turn this shit off-

Ice T: Woah. Easy there tiger. You can usually roll with the punches- you know C rock and I ain’t trying to rain on your parade.

Me: I know. It was just a tough week. I didn’t sleep enough and one of my cats passed away…

Coco: Someone ‘killed the kitty’? Good going T!
Ice T: Hey Coco, go get us a couple of Mai Tai’s and let the umbrella guy look at that ass again so we don’t have to pay for another hour…please. (you hear shuffling and muffled back n’ forth before Coco leaves)
Ice T: Sorry about that, Sweet T…

Me: All good. I’ll admit that besides my bad week I am a lil bitter that I am not lying on a beach chair sipping Mai Tai’s.

Ice T: Next time stop trying to be cool and just join us-separate hotel rooms though cuz Coco and I tend to get loud-

Me: Please. Stop. I would stay in a different hotel so I can get my swerve on without you guys trying to video tape it.

Ice T: Don’t nobody wanna see that shit. (smiles) You gonna perk the fuck up by the time I get back?

Me: Sure. I really was fine until I saw the beach- it is grey and cold in New York.

Ice T: Might be time to grow the ponytail back if it’s really cold-

Me: Oh hells nah. What, you want to keep a spot on your neck warm? You know that pony wasn’t luscious…

Ice T: C rock is almost back with the Mai Tai’s, I ‘m about to peace out on your cold, bitter, pale ass…

Me: Have fun snorkeling in the shallow end-

Ice T: Funny. We’ll go for nachos n’ margarita’s when I get back.

Me: Yes, yes we will.

The End

Monday, October 4, 2010

The Place Where I Work: Proximity

Things are moving slow n' steady with Clark Kent and I. If he were to find out about Pudding Man or the Younger Latino Guard who also want to pillage and conquer my lady space, me thinks he would move faster and steadier...like a speeding bullet.
There I was innocently waiting for an elevator when CK walked by and then WALKED BACK (after seeing me). He proceeded to walk towards me with a smile that ALMOST made me drop my fried rice but food is a BIGGER deal to me than nutsac. He says that he wanted to take a short cut- a short cut that happened to put his shaft o' steel closer to my vaginal kyrptonite (I can really go on for days...hours with this!). I was happy about all of this because it allowed me to guestimate how we'd look together-laying down or standing up. He is a great height...has to be like 6'2 at least...and with the shoulders...
This is all very yummy.

This afternoon I went for a walk in the mist for some tea when I see CK again. He stops his convo with another guard to follow me/chat with me. All with that smile and glimmer in his eyes. We even had some banter without me spilling ANYTHING on myself!!!
Sooner rather than later he is gonna be all up in my Metroplolis.