Thursday, October 18, 2012

The Place Where I Work: A Problem!

Work is cool, my biggest problem is the hunger in my loins I feel for Telenovela, but other than that it is all cool.
Okay, it's not like my loin hankerings don't make for awesome entertainment, it's just becoming a PROBLEM.  
Breakdown of problem:

-Telenovela comes to the office around 4PM.  Starting this past Monday I started getting REALLY hungry around 3:45PM.  I am attributing my hunger to Telenovela...and also any/all weight gain because I need to put SOMETHING in my mouth.  I was doing well with yogurt...but then I NEEDED M&M Peanuts- hence NUTS. Ugh.
-When Telenovela is frustrated about something or someone, he tends to growl.  To some this would seem cray cray, but with the voice he has and the good looks, it makes me moist.  Plus he has a demeanor of bubbling hostility...like he is 5 seconds from punching the shit out of someone.
It turns me on.
-I recently had a dream about me and Telenovela.  Three guesses as to what we were doing.......
-With visions of the dream in my head I have to have conversations with this dude.  I am ALREADY kinda awkward when I am attracted, imagine me with nude visions of the dude dancing in my head!!!! It's almost too too much.

So when Telenovela comes around me, I get real weird. His green eyes twinkle with wonder.  It's either that or amusement.

I need to go for a long walk after work....which should help with the snacking weight gain!

Monday, October 15, 2012

As The (Online) Dating World Turns: Real Talk

People think I'm joking when I mention me living that 'spinster realness', but I am. 
A mix of choice, poor timing and there really not being anything- anyone out there.  A lot of lame.  Dudes with no sense of humor or grammar...or they are crazed...or they look at my age and think: my gawd this chick is gonna wanna get married and have kids STAT!
First off, dude, I don't KNOW you and WHY would I wanna do anything more than date you.  Calm down.

Margo (my homie) totally opened my eyes to my BAD luck with online dating- besides me not putting forth the effort- it's my age.  Dude puts: 25-35, but he really means 20- 27.
I was like: but I look about 25.
It doesn't matter though. Aaliyah (RIP) was wrong!  Age is a lot more than a number.  It's another nail in my being an aging woman coffin.  Time to pack it up.  Start knitting and collecting new papers...OMG, I am going to sculpt people out of the newpapers (friends...lovers, perhaps) and knit them clothing!
Well there goes my the rest of my child bearing and non child bearing years. I AM ALLLLL SET.

...then I get to thinking, these dudes that aren't about my AGE for whatever reason and allow it to hold themselves back from my greatness- then fuck 'em.  Not in a good way, but in the way that allows their cocks to burn off and zombie gremlins nibble off their finger tips.

I'm not bitter though.

Friday, October 12, 2012

Dear Joel Kinnaman,




Actually, I was going to write this loving (lusty) letter about how you should pursue me now before you become all BIG TIME after that Robocop movie (remake) comes out.  I say was because this WAS going to happen before I found out you were dating Olivia Munn AKA THE WORST!
Seriously?!
There are so many willing, streatchable starlets to screw and you choose the one who's most annoying and has the most mileage.  Sure, I don't know her, but I can just look at her and tell within a 20 second conversation I would punch the shit out of her...or most likely I would angrily squint and just walk away.  Slowly, so that she would know I hear her asking me 'where are you going?' 'what happened?' and am choosing to not respond to her wackness.

Dude, I am judging your fine ass!  JUDGING.  It's one thing to be fucking this chick (who hasn't), but it's another to parade her around, hand holdin' n' shit.  That is laying claim.  I cannot abide such poor taste...so I must renig my would be offer of my time and vagina.
I'll just see RoboCop....and well I guess they canceled The Killing, so our love will never be and my lust will dry up and die like the crabs in your girlfriend's pleasure pit.

*sigh*

No Love Up In This Club,

Honey T

Thursday, October 11, 2012

No, Nyet, Nine, Non.




This one time I was watching TV and a commercial for the movie Alex Cross came on.  Tyler 'Madea' Perry is the lead in what appears to be an action drama.  I don't understand how this came to be, but do know that I threw the wrapper of whatever food I was eating on the ground and sighed: FUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCKKKKK Tyler Perry!
I then picked the wrapper up because I am not a sloppy bitch...I am, however, a hater of Tyler Perry.

Listen, I respect his gangsta and that he owns his studio and makes sure a lot of Black actors and actresses work...but at what expense?  For buffoonery?  For stereotypical nonsense?
Poorly written Christian dance parties are what a lot of his films are- cringe worthy.  He tried something with The Family That Preys, but for the most part I wanna punch shit-and don't get me started on his TV shows.

...but hey listen, everyone has to eat.  Everyone deserves to make their own American dream...even if it involves dressing like someones nanna in a lot of your films (see above picture).
THEN you wanna turn around and be an action hero?  An action hero with an ill fro?  You expect me to believe you're gonna kick in that door wavin' a .44 and all I'm gonna say is Madea- *ahem* Tyler don't hurt me no more?
Is there gonna be a sex scene in this flick??  Am I really supposed to believe you're gonna shoot a bad guy with a gun and not just use your purse?? (a la Madea)

Who's idea was it to have Tyler Perry play this action hero?  Seriously, was someone like: hmmm Idris Elba...nah....TYLER PERRY!
Nobody else came to mind??  Even Will Smith's devil spawn (his son Jaden) would have been a better choice...I'd even let Tyrese get a lil shine!

I have many questions and I am gonna need some receipts for alllllll of this!  Until then, imma say 'NO' to seeing this and someones got some explainin' to do!

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

The Place Where I Work: Mucho Culo Episode 3

Mucho Culo
Episode 3: So Wet...


Setting:  It is raining and Honey T is rushing to get into the building where she works.  Once in the lobby, she notices Telenovela.  He immediately notices her and is on her like George Clooney's paws on the latest issue of "Beards Monthly'.  He is dripping wet.

Telenovela: There she is my lil sriracha wrapped in the wing of a dove.

Me: Hiiiiii- wow you're wet...

Telelnovela: That's my line...

Me: So dirty.

Telenovela: You make me this way- you should keep me company while my clothes dry.  You may get wet in the process...misery loves company.

Me: *sigh* I can't, I have a meeting to get to.

Telenovela: Is it with the Pantalones Soceity?

Me:....uh...yes...

Telenovela: Then that meeting is with me and what's in my pants.

Me: Will there be food served at this meeting?

Telenovela: Only the finest in cured meat guaranteed to fit a lovely spread....

THE END

Monday, October 8, 2012

Sweet Dreams: Prince Styles



Before bed I had a cup of green tea, like a proper lady.  Then I went to sleep....and this is what I remember from my dream....

I was on some type of college campus, and it was elaborate- there was a shit ton of ivy!  As I walked about I kept running into Prince, and we seemed to know each other.  He was carrying a cross shoulder messenger bag, wearing jeans that had clouds on them a la Raspberry Beret, a white tunic and black sandals.  He didn't wear shades and his hair was styled as it is in the above pic.
Every time I ran into Prince between classes, he would shrug and do a face I began to call the 'Prince face'...every time I ran into him.  'Prince face' looked more like a 'I don't know face' that people do when they shrug.  I don't know what question I was asking him through telepathy but he had no idea what vibes I was sending him.
Prince paused only when I bumped into him carrying my baby!!! It was a girl, she had a lil fro and the smallest eyes!!  I don't know where she came from, but I know she was my daughter and I was walking around with her.  When I bumped in Prince, he stopped.  He checks out me and then the baby...then he shrugged and did the 'Prince face'.

What does it all mean???!!!

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

The Place Where I Work: Mucho Culo- Episode 2

 Mucho Culo
Episode 2: The Snack Break

Setting: By the vending machines.  Honey T is trying to decide between Famous Amos cookies or a honey bun.  Telenovela sees her and saunters over.

Telenovela: Honey....T

Me: (turn around) Oh hi...

Telenovela: What are you doing with these snacks?

Me: Deciding which of them to eat-

Telenovela: No! (he grabs me, and holds me close against his muscular body)

Me: (breathless) No?!  Are you saying I am fat?!

Telenovela: Only in the best places...(he kisses my neck)

Me: Stop...(giggles) we are in public...and I want some cookies...

Telenovela: I want for only one cookie...hot...baked fresh...

Me: Woah.

Telenovela: Come.  We'll go to our favorite conference room for snack time!

THE END!

The Place Where I Work: Another Reason Why I'm Awesome...

I work in a large office with various shades of people.  The only other Black people in the office work in the back.  Literally a room with just them.  In the back.
Being that I am awesome, I sometimes go back there and say things like: it sure does smell like friiiied chicken or is that hamhocks in the air??
We all chuckle, and they say that my ambiguous looking ass will be put in there with them in a heartbeat so I better chillll out or at least tell people I am Dominican or something.

Will keep you posted.

Monday, October 1, 2012

The Place Where I Work: New Adventures

...and so a new adventure begins.  I have started a new gig-don't even get me started about what happened at the last place, just know it is all for the better.
I walked away learning new things about myself and people.  Well nothing new, just that when given the opportunity to suck, most people will- and not in a good way.
Since  I have my limits, I left.

The new place I work at is a school- do not lock up your children, I am not a teacher/professor of any sort.  It is amazing and kinda calming to be in a normal environment.  Well seemingly normal.  There is a dude with one arm and a guy who houses the campus cats- I should say I am on a campus.  The guy with one arm has a sculpture of a womans hand on his desk.
These things excite and intrigue me.  As does the dude I call Telenovela.  I call him that because I want to star in a telenovela with him.  That could be a nice way of me saying PORN, but we'll stick with telenovela.
He is sexy as fuuuuuuck and has this voice.  Mostly though, it is his ass.
Our program would be called: Mucho Culo.  There will a lot of wind machines and Telenovela with roses between his teeth.  Have to think up a few scenarios and write them as such....

Mucho Culo
Episode 1: The Meeting

Setting: We are in an office, there is a lovely lady with almondy eyes and plentiful bone of cheek typing away at her computer.  She is probably blogging about her work day.  The doors to the office open, there is wind, and in walks Telenovela.

Telenovela: Hello, who are you?

Me: Honey T...

Telenovela: Mmmm honey.  (he takes my hand and kisses it)  I am Telenovela.  I am a man.  A man who desires you.

Me: I hardly know you.

Telenovela: The heart does not need conversations and Facebook stalking.  Come, let us find a conference room and make love.

Me: Okay...

THE END


Wish me luck!