Thursday, January 31, 2013

As The (Online) Dating World Turns: The Mixer

Since I have been consistently not responding to emails from dudes on the dating site I am on- not due to lewd or rude comments, but because most of the dudes who write me are dumb fucks.
Then the few I respond to, I stop responding to because I realize they are dumb fucks.  I know, I know...I am a picky bitch, but OH WELL.  Let me LIVE!
Anyways, one of my most favorite people who wants to go by Ratchet Based (Gawd), suggested we attend one of her dating sites mixers. Singles, equal parts men and women, in our age group.
 I was game...up until we were entering the cocktail lounge and I saw what was going in.....

RB and I pumped each other up though and went inside.  I checked our coats and RB got the dranks.  We then surveyed the scene.
The scene was grim.
Grim because if these were the singles in our age group then we need to change age groups.  Everyone there looked to be in their 50's!  If I was walking down the street with ANY of them dudes, someone would assume dude was LOADED...I mean cuz look at me, I am trophy material. #Self Esteem
The few guys that looked about our age were so socially inept they made me gulp down my drinks.  Drinks. This one guy came over to chat with us...mostly RB though.  It went like this:

Dude: Hey...I live in Brooklyn...I am a tech for traders....I ride my bike around Brooklyn, what do you do?

Ratchet Based (Gawd): I am a high school teacher...I live in Brooklyn....yeah...

Dude: A teacher, that's great.  I kinda do the same thing except I make money...

That is when I couldn't stop laughing.  At this point I had gulped down my drinks, and RB had asked all the dudes who rolled up to us if everyone there was OLD.  She stressed OLD.  She would ask this of the dudes who looked OLD.
This is why we are friends.
I should also note that we don't look our 'age' and are perceived to be younger.  So, we looked like COMPLETE assholes asking why everyone was so OLD??!!
That dudes comment about making money pushed me over the edge.  I couldn't be mad because I was entertained, and I couldn't be sad because I have accepted that I will be alone with all my cats.

I have more names for my cats: Jasper, Django, Ho, Sprinkles, BangBang and Sam Jackson.

In the end, RB and I laughed and decided we would attend a couple more 'mixers' because you never know...she has hope...I am just going along for the ride n' laughs.

Thursday, January 24, 2013

Good Things I Have Put In My Mouth Lately: Brisket Mac & Cheese



I think the lil Asian genes I have come out in my love of eating food out of bowls.  Anytime I can layer flavors in a bowl-I am just too happy.  Giddy, even.
Recently, a few friends and I took in a Nets game in the new Barclays Center (Brooklyn, NY).  I give negative zero fucks about the Nets (Knicks fan ALL DAY), but I love a good social outing...and there was a cheerleader dancing on stilts, which made me happy for some reason.
THEN I saw all the food at Barclays and got REALLY happy.  They have all New York/Brooklyn 'bred' spots, which I think is cool.  More importantly, these are places I enjoy eating at like: Cafe Habana, Spumoni Gardens, Fatty 'Cue, etc.

Surprisingly, I went in with NO GAME PLAN.  Just balls to the wind eating.  This turned into: I am hungry and I will beast on something/someone....
We stumbled upon Fatty 'Cue.  Then my lovely brown eyes fell upon 'brisket mac n' cheese'.  SOLD.  Brisket, a favorite meat of mine AND macaroni n' cheese!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  You had a bitch at HELLO!  It came in a bowl with the brisket layered all on top so every bite insured that you were getting brisket and mac.  Mac and brisket.
It was delicious. A perfect hearty winter treat.
I don't suggest getting on stilts afterwards though.

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

The Place Where I Work: Typical.

The usual.

With Telemundo (remember he's married), so of course I am like: oh whatevs.  Not because any of my work "situations" ( and LIFE situations) work out- but because marriage/girlfriends/being a completely useless dick doesn't appeal to me.  Unless they are celebs.
Anywho, now that I give no fucks, Telemundo and I are buddies.  We chat.  He brings me snacks to try.  I make him giggle.  It's real cute.

As for Tatts - he is showing a genuine interest in me, and what do I start to do? My usual thing of being seemingly disinterested so he is left...confused.
Sigh.
At least I can aknowledge my issues and decide to do something.  Or nothing.  It's cold out.  I can't think straight.

What brought about Tatts 'smitten-ness' besides my charm and cheekbones?  My jerk abilities n' sense of humor- I'm going to throw in my ass too.  He has mentioned while speaking that he didn't realize how cool n' funny I was. 
I was like: boo, FINALLY.  I'm awesome.
Then one day I am walking and happen to be wearing an ass flattering pair of pants- I hear this whistle/grunt thing that got stifled by a cough and turn to find Tatts who finds it hard to make eye contact with me.
Since then, he gets kind of googly eyed  - this is cute, but my natural instincts of fuckery kick in and I am all like....this. :(

Friday, January 18, 2013

A Monologue: Mark Wahlberg



Every time I see a commercial for Mark Wahlberg's new movie- I forget the name of it- I have this monologue that goes through my head of how the whole movie is going to go...which means I won't be seeing it.
It looks like he played that part in The Departed already, but I guess if it worked before...

Anyways, here is the Mark Wahlberg 'I'm A Serious Actor In A Serious Cop Movie' monologue:

"Hey...how's you're mother?  I'm a cop.  A good cop.  What are you doing?  Why are you doing it to me?  ...I'm a good cop but if you come against me or my family I'll kill your wife, your kids, your dog, your spirit!...Is your mother good?  Tell her I miss her.- Feel it, feel it!! (suddenly breaks out singing 'Good Vibrations')- You see, this whole situation is making me crazy.  I'll kill you before you make me crazy!  I'll kill your wife, your kids, your dog- I'll find you!  You can't hide.  See, I found you...and now you're going to die.  Slow.  This revenge makes me feel better...vindicated, but unfulfilled.  I'm gonna quit the force.  Run away with your mom.  Love her tenderly-give her my vibrations...."

Annnnnd Scene.

Now imagine he has done that scene while running around in circles waving a gun.
Now you don't need to see his new movie.  I just save you $50!!!

Thank me with chicken wings and pink sparkling rose`!

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

The Place Where I Work: My Muffin.

So there is this dude that works where I work, we'll call him Tatts...because he has arm tatts that go all the way to his fingers.  They are real artistic looking- meaning I can't tell if he got them in prison or not, and they are not something stupid like peoples names or topless chicks or a chicken wing driving an army tank.
I also don't know where else he has tattoos (and I'd like to find out, HOLLA) because he and I don't talk much.  Well, we didn't talk much before.
Tatts used to look at me with much disdain and I thought he was hot, but gave 0 fucks.  Due to self esteem, if you ain't checkin' for me, I damn sure ain't checkin' for you...boo.
....then I realized that like me, Tatts likes to observe before he partakes in pleasantries- he's a lil more stoic though. 
Soon enough, we started having jokes and talking about Knicks games.  Then I noticed his looks of disdain became easy smiles and twinkling eyes.  Awww.
To keep things interesting,  I decided to add him to my 'work sex roster'.  This roster includes just him and this dude I wanna have hate sex with because he is a complete douche...but HOT.
A 'work sex roster' is really something that makes the day go by...and if I happen to eventually have sex with the person (which NEVER happens), then that's gravy.

Anywho, so one morning I bumped into Tatts and he bought me breakfast- have I mentioned that Tatts is attractive??  Well he is.  Attractive and FED me. Oh hell yes!
Out of the blue and to show that I enjoy being fed...and like to feed too, I got him this amazing muffin.  It was chocolate and I know it was delicious because I've had one and slid.off.my.chair!
I give him the muffin real nonchalant like:

Me: Hey, do you like chocolate?

Tatts: I love chocolate.

Me: Oh...well here (hand him bag filled with muffin, practically run away)

Tatts was real appreciative.  Have I mentioned that Tatts is not Black and MAY BE White...or Latino...or something of that nature.  He is one of those ethnically ambiguous types that speaks both English and Spanish...but looks Irish/Italian...or he's just Ecuadorian or something.
In any case, he's attractive and enjoyed my muffin. 
Here is the conversation we had about his muffin enjoyment.  Please note this was in an office with people around...who THOUGHT we were talking about a muffin...

Me: How was the muffin?  Did you throw it out?

Tatts: Why would I do that?  I haven't finished it, am savoring it.

Me: Oh really...I couldn't.  That thing is delish- I was thinking about it all day...

Tatts: Me too.  I took a bite and it was really good...that's when I decided not to just devour it.  Wanted to take my time.  Warm it up later...

Me: Oh...

Tatts: That's what I do with things I enjoy eating...

Me: (gulp) Right...

...annnnd scene.

  1. This really happened.
  2. Eye contact was maintained THE WHOLE time...well when I wasn't looking away and blushing.
  3. 'fantasy work sex' may turn into 'sex sex'
  4. Anyone who can do innuendo like THAT, is okay by me.