Monday, August 29, 2011

2011 MTV VMA's Rundown




Thanks to Hurricane Irene (that bitch is getting blamed for everything) I felt the need to connect. Connect to something-someone....and it wound up being the MTV VMA's. I know. But when one is desperate without HBO (to watch True Blood) you do whatchu gotsta do.
You also begin writing/speaking like an ass.
I knew what I was getting into watching these VMA's. Knew it from the pre-show...once I saw Sway. I have hated Sway since the beginning of time, and the fact he's been with MTV for like 30 years proves what a soul lacking robot he is. I ran into him once and just growled. He didn't understand the animosity.
Anywho, here's my MTV VMA 2011 rundown:

- the buzz around the 'black carpet' was: what is Lady Gaga going to wear???? will she come drizzled in ovaries and wear the skin of Carebears-but no, she came as an alter ego that was a dude. she remained in character ALL NIGHT. it's like I wanna punch her, but I respect her commitment to the crazy...and she was manlier than a lot of dudes. her performance was typical.

- Kevin Hart then comes out all jittery n' shit. what brand of yayo was he on?? he made me anxious and HAPPY he wasn't asked to host, though his bits were tolerable and he stole my whole 'Black people don't skateboard' thing, but whatevs. if he is what's coming up in comedy, then wake me when he's funny. lucky I love sleeping.

- Skinny Jonah Hill AKA the large n' in charge dude from Superbad comes out with Nikki MiTwat (Minaj). she comes off as her usual- lacking of originality or personality, looking like a cosplay addict and making me want to kick her repeatedly. I zoned out till I saw that Britney Spears won for best pop video. Good for her-till she thanks God. Really Britney? you should be thanking your parents, the meds, the various people that put up with your nonsense because you pay their rent- BUT you know I can't hate on Brit Brit too much because compared to all the other assholes there, she looked mad elegant (for her) and came off really chill. plus, she's dating Sam from True Blood...or some dude that looks like him. Sam is a good dude so Brit can't be all that horrific...maybe.

- the SURPRISE performance happened- 'Otis' performed by Kanye 'Canadian Tux' West and Jay 'Bringin' Timbs Back' Z. too bad the person that ran onstage didn't have a shank, would've made the performance more interesting- LISTEN, I know there are like 50 million peeps who are taking turns gargling 'Ye and Jay's ballsacs. when it is NOT their turn they are trying to say how amazing that 'Otis' song is and how 'Watch The Throne' is the second coming. NO. it is mediocre. it is alllll that is wrong with 'hip hop' or whatever this shit is. it is people who are talented n' shit just resting on their laurels and not doing anything progressive, just instilling more bullshit and mediocrity. people so wrapped in what they and everyone else is wearing, they have no idea what TIME it is-and the time is to be about something more than some bullshit. try having substance- it's scary, but damn it is fulfilling!

- Sean White and Miley Cyrus come out looking like a before and after. Miley is the before and Sean is the after- meth. Foo Fighters won an award- WOW really? they're still winning shit? whatevs.

- ugh. Nikki MiTwat wins best rap video. let that just sit with you. that over hyped, lyrically sterile, annoying comicon train run WON. I mean, I don't look to MTV for hip hop n' shit...but damn. she makes Will Smith seem like Nas. and OF COURSE she is from Queens, only QUALITY comes from Brooklyn. she should be set on fire in an empty lot. also, may Lil Beetle (Wayne) find her burning body and get so emotionally distraught he trips into the fire and burns himself. whole.

- best collabo goes to Katy Perry and Kanye for that fucking song NO ONE GAVE A FUCK ABOUT! thankfully Kanye recognizes real and was like Chris Brown and co. should've won-which is true. also, I may have let Katy slip by with her bullshit before BUT then she was a complete asshat to 'Ye and she is corny as hell with her jokes- that Taylor Swift thing was like 10 years ago (in dog years) get over it bitch! then later when her prettier hubby Russell Brand says she was influenced by Amy Winehouse!!! I kinda wanted Amy's ghost to appear with a blow dart full of used needles. a dart to Katy and one to Kreyshawn.

- sweet! next up is the Pitbull and Neyo performance...with some chick who thought she was figure skating for dick or something. I think her name is Nya or chick who best marry rich n' quick. lovebirds Neyo and Pitbull paid her no never mind. Pitbull is enamored with being a talentless dick and Neyo is obsessed with the idea that he is Michael Jackson. Pitbull is on the right path, but Neyo needs to STOP. give it up. please.

- *sigh* Adele. I love her. that will never change. the above pic is one of my most favorite ever. I think MTV wanted to ignore Adele, but thankfully TALENT cannot be denied so her performance was just...it was what was needed. so simple. no bullshit. just someone singing from their soul. amazing. it helped to ease the rage that building up in me. I LOVED the close up of Adele's expressions during the show...like she was trying to keep the 'PC face' but her realness came through. she gave a lot of 'WTF face', which is what I would've been doing.

- y'all bitches better clap for Chris Brown!! ha! he started out cheesy, then some WuTang happened and then Nirvana....and then that 'Beautiful People' song started and I kinda love that song. which is BIG because I can't stand Chris Brown-way before he started trying to transform Rihanna's forehead. anyways, that song was very old school NYC house vibe. I wanted to twirl...and then vogue to that song.

- damn! I am FUCKING OLD. Britney Spears is getting a video vanguard award??!!! shit! have to say the little girls KILLED IT. omg, loved that part. just as I was all cool-then here comes Beyonce. I was impressed she had on clothing- then I found out she was pregnant. well not that I found out it was more like she was in stirrups and there was a spotlight showing us the inside of the uterus-and there was a lil golden haired camel wearing a Yankees cap. whatevs, I was more concerned with the lack of words to the song or the fact that she kept repeating something about her love being on top-UGH now we need to know how the lil golden camel was conceived. gross, yo.

- there is a show on MTV called: I Want My Pants Back.

- damn, damn, damn. I am not into Tyrone The Creator (Tyler) and his band of lackeys, but that jizzbucket spoke some truth. as he accepted his award for best new artist he said that ANYONE can do this. he is right. ANYONE can make a million bucks, win awards, have people trip over cocks to get to them and claim they are musicians. anyone can do it. in fact, my new album drops next month. it's called: Fuckin' Give Me Your Money, the first single is: Gotta Cop Me Some Jeans with Your Money, Bitches

- Zoe Saldana, you are lovely.

- honestly, I don't know who or what the fuck a Young the Giant is...

- Cloris Leachman looked younger than any of them twats from the Jersey Shore.

- ah. the Amy Winehouse tribute. Russell Brand went on about some nonsense. then Tony Bennett came out (RRRRESPPECT) spoke about Amy. amazing...and then they showed the clip, one of Amy's final moments...and I just started crying again. so fucking talented that girl was, even with her perpetual hot mess, she was way better than any of them other assholes on the show-besides Adele. that girl had heart.
then Bruno Mars came out and sang "Valerie'. I have tried to deny my wanting to smother him with my thigh meat, but I shall not deny him anymore. he is about the height of my labia, but no matter, he can get it! he did my Amy justice and I just like his voice.

- Katie Holmes popped out Xenu's crypt to announce something....OH the video of the year...which went to Katy Perry.

Overall I think the night can be summed up with Justin Bieber mouthing after Chris Browns performance 'that's my boy!'. There was a time when hip hop was hip hop and pop was pop and peeps stayed in their lane. Sure, Chris Brown and Justin Bieber are in the same genre- but they shouldn't be. Isn't Chris more Rn'B, shouldn't he be running with dudes and not kids who are waiting for their balls to descend?
People in the industry are too familiar. Getting too comfortable with each other. It's time for segregation. Musical segregation. Have people hone their shit again and stop producing this watered down fucking mess that is occurring. Now Taylor Swift thinks she can have Ludacris rap on her song about the boy that ate a gummi bear out of her ass.
We need WuTang back or something. Like old school Wu-the type that would make that lesbian Bieber REAL uncomfortable. Make him stay home during award shows asking his moms to cut the corners off of his sammiches. Young Money is too busy boning each other and 'Ye has blouses to buy.
I could fuck up Tyrone and his Odd Future cronies. Me and my non kung fu having skills.
...dunno where I was going with this. Just that MTV is crap and this will be my last rundown about their award shows because I get too angry. Too too angry- I mean I just mentioned segregation! Fuck.

Sunday, August 28, 2011

Aftermath: Hurricane Irene Styles





Things are still windy and wet here in the Bay- Sheepshead Bay, Brooklyn. We're not flooded, nor were there random Russians blown onto people's lawns in drenched Armani Exchange.
Just a lot of leaves in the street and people wondering when the trains are going to start running.
Here is my account of the STORM OF THE CENTURY- my account means something because I live in the ZONE and supposedly shit was supposed to go down!

- I watch NBC news and start criticizing the newscasters, but falling more in love with my fellow New Yorkers who were all like : fuck this storm! I then make a salad for dinner and then start watching Barbershop.

-Filled with regret watching Barbershop, I begin trolling the internet and get some writing done.

- Feeling snacky I get some watermelon while I watch Mayor Bloomberg AKA El Bloombito speak Spanish and tell us we may die during the night. I shrug and finish writing.

- Deciding I need exercise, I start dancing around. Ass poppin', practicing my Matrix dance- I'm going to try to bring that one back.

- Enough is enough, I go to bed. The most disturbing thing that happened the WHOLE night (into morning) was this dream I had. I dreamt I was hooking up with this really old dude. Like white haired- but still strong bodied and he was dressed like Colonel Sanders or something. A Southern gentleman of some sort.
OH by 'hooking up' I mean just making out!
Now, I was either a vampire with my human lover that got old.
Reliving some old ancestral slave affair...OR having some 'old man and the sea' anxiety. Perhaps making out with 'old man river'??? I dunno.

Overall, I am sorry for the deaths, but for that dream...EFF YOU IRENE!!!!!!!!!

Friday, August 26, 2011

Fillin' the Sac: Hurricane Irene Styles




So the other day Double D Gchats me that I am living in THE ZONE. Don't know if ya heard but after going through EARTHQUAKE 2011 that devastated mirrors everywhere- we are now preparing for Hurricane Irene. Trains are shutting down. Peeps are buying years worth of water- basically peeps are freakin'.the.fuck.out!
One would think I would be all buying 15 boxes of granola bars because I live in the DANGER ZONE, but I am chillin'. Hitting up the supermarket in a bit. Going to get some writing done. Get some sleep. Watch some DVD's. Get some more sleep. Try not to think about eating buttery shit to soothe the fact that this weekend is going to SUCK!
In any case, Double D and I discussed the evacuation bags peeps were advised to prepare. I then came up with a few items that were missing from the list bearing only water, flashlights, etc.

Here is what would be in my bag:

- a great rain slicker with a hood
- some books
- a shake shack burger, milkshake, and bottled water
- a sassy gay friend
- a Wii
- some fruit n' shit
- a party dress, some jeans, some shorts, a cable knit sweater
- a hat because the hair will be EFFED- much like it is now, am rocking a mini fro a la Chaka Khan in the group Rufus
- the number to someone with a private jet and a house that is not in the 'fucked zone'
- Patron and some Sophia (Double D) because I'm classy
- a machete because peeps act straight cray cray when shit goes down and I will cut a bitch
- Insta-Dry nail polish- to do my nails on the private jet
- a hot, interesting boo who will come in handy if that jet shit doesn't pop off!

Anything more and the bag would be too heavy.

Monday, August 22, 2011

Greasy Faced, But Here!

...and I'm back.
Not like I've been anywhere, just busy. Busy thinking about french fries, cakes, milkshakes, all the foods I can't eat-but I've lost a few pounds in my waist for ya. Well not you, and DEFINITELY not Ami James- just for me. Also, my clothes. Oh, my heart and health.
Anyways, a few things that have been on my mind...

- Pam Grier is my favorite! I mean she is the loveliness that represents my blog- okay, I lost weight to look more like PAM GRIER!! Though magic isn't something you can ingest. Hmmm. Anywho, I read her autobiography- Foxy- a great read. She is everything I imagined. Thoughtful, gutsy, funny and always in the right place in the right time. She's also a Gemini which proves how awesome she is- we tend to be friggin' delightful- well those of us who are me and Gem's I like. Some of us can be ass crazy and need to be slapped repeatedly.
Ms. Grier taught Fellini how to fry chicken! That's all.

- Okay, Ami- the boo in my head- is on my list. That list of dudes who go from 'I wanna bone ya' to "No breakfast, just leave after the bonin'". Ami started a clothing line. It is a clothing line for douchebags, asshats, peeps with minimum of 2 STD's, people with bad taste, assholes, etc. We all know my uterus has anointed him with the power to do as he wishes with my loins, but his line of thin v-necks and TRUCKER HATS- REALLY?! Fuckin' trucker hats??? I thought we were rid of them things that cover the nonexistent brains of the tool's and people who probably listen to Pitbull. Anyways, his clothing line makes me dry and my vag walls want to close in on themselves. Not a good look, boo.

- Love summer, sometimes. It's almost over and I'm not that sad. Not just because it'll mean this diet/cleanse is over and I won't have to have naughty fantasies about toast- it will be the beginnings of 'less greasy face'!!!! It's way past dewy. It is straight greasy. So...greasy...I almost want to lick my face...UGH, but that would be gross. Desperate and gross.

- Don't ever let me try to tell you I'm all hoird (hard). I mean I'll kick you swiftly in the ass if needed, but I am in no way stayin' strapped or rocking the boxcutter on the roof of my mouth.
There is a Bruno Mars song on my iPod. As Ghostface would say: that's as soft as Drake marinatin' in a bathtub full of lotion.

Sunday, August 7, 2011

My Thing With (or FOR) Ami James: Chapter II -Going Inside

My stalking skills lack a certain je ne sais quoi, mostly because I have to be inspired and also because I am not as crazed as I seem. EVEN when it comes to hot dudes that make my uterus quiver like Ami James.
I feel like I have so many shows to watch, and books to never finish writing, and sleep to catch up on to actually stalk someone. EVEN someone as hot, luscious and 'stand-up guy' like Ami.

In any case, I made my way into the Wooster Street Social Club. Of course Mr. James wasn't there- baby steps. My friend Marci drops a bombshell on me- she wants to get a tattoo.
Her first tattoo.
On her hand.
She says this while opening the door to the WSSC so I had no time to fully process it and shake her while asking: why? why? why?
I didn't do that of course because I was walking down the hall leading to the front desk-the desk I have seen Ami lean on (on TV), then there was the couch that I've seen him sit on with the serious face (or just the face he has), and...well just the space where my boo (in my head) spends his days. Except for the day I was there which was good for EVERYBODY.
I had to sit down.
Marci looked at designs and then spoke to a dude who told her that he couldn't give her a hand tatt because Ami doesn't allow that shit. He also proceeded to flirt with her hard core, but in the end told her no hand tatt and to come back and take it up with Ami.
I was still sitting and kinda pleased at my boo (in my head) because a hand tatt really?! Also neck tatts?!
I have already mentioned that people with neck tatts alert me to their douchebag/bitch/asshat capabilities...except for m'boo of course!
The dude also mentioned how this would be Marci's first tatt AND she's a teacher AND she is quite lovely (which he pointed out repeatedly)- I dunno if it was just the luck of draw, but why do most women I've seen in tattoo parlors look 'rode hard and put away wet'? Like life has dealt them a bad hand and then slapped them with a dick?

....so, Marci left a lil frustrated but with a fire in her eyes she says: now you can fight Ami for me on the mats.
I chuckled and then looked forward to those mats-perhaps in chapter III of my semi-stalking of Ami James. There will be sweat, shirts will come off...and most likely he'll be calling the cops to get me the eff away from him- if I even make it to the mats because most likely I'll be distracted by food or watching True Blood or something.

Good Things I Have Put In My Mouth Lately-Balthazar!

Honestly, I didn't think I would be doing one of these for a bit because for the next month and a half I am on this strict diet/cleanse. I am doing the cleanse/diet because I can and...why not?
I eat healthy mostly- but I already feel more energetic and 'lighter'-though I realized that my love for cheese and bready things runs DEEP (so deep I put her ass to sleep- ahh Ice Cube, though that makes NO SENSE and does not correlate with eating at Balthazar).
Anyways, there are going to be moments. Few and far between moments, when I am going to do bad, bad things.

My book club finished reading the book Tell All by Chuck Palahniuk- I found it quite good by the way- and because of the Hollywood glamor, we decided to do it UP at Balthazar. A fancy-pants spot in Soho, NYC.
Models, actors, people who think they are important and shit go there to be seen. We went there to eat...and look at the people trying to be seen.
I knew today was going to have me delve into the pleasure depths of delish baked goods, but I was still so good. Too good. Just lil nips of the Le Panier bread basket.

Look at this...

I can't. *fans self with piece of lettuce*

...but I did have this for breakfast. The scrambled egg in puff pastry!


It was delightful. Now I can no longer type or look at these pics. I'm going to go cry in a corner. Cry into the bag of bikini's and leotards I am ONLY GOING TO BE WEARING.
Moooohahahahah.

If you don't mind the atmosphere of assholes, DEFINITELY go to Balthazar for the delish food...and the bread. The friggin' bread!
I have to go back in a month for the fries, I hear they are the business.
...but for now, I cleanse. I live. I plot- for mid-September-October when I can eat bread again!