Monday, August 29, 2011

2011 MTV VMA's Rundown




Thanks to Hurricane Irene (that bitch is getting blamed for everything) I felt the need to connect. Connect to something-someone....and it wound up being the MTV VMA's. I know. But when one is desperate without HBO (to watch True Blood) you do whatchu gotsta do.
You also begin writing/speaking like an ass.
I knew what I was getting into watching these VMA's. Knew it from the pre-show...once I saw Sway. I have hated Sway since the beginning of time, and the fact he's been with MTV for like 30 years proves what a soul lacking robot he is. I ran into him once and just growled. He didn't understand the animosity.
Anywho, here's my MTV VMA 2011 rundown:

- the buzz around the 'black carpet' was: what is Lady Gaga going to wear???? will she come drizzled in ovaries and wear the skin of Carebears-but no, she came as an alter ego that was a dude. she remained in character ALL NIGHT. it's like I wanna punch her, but I respect her commitment to the crazy...and she was manlier than a lot of dudes. her performance was typical.

- Kevin Hart then comes out all jittery n' shit. what brand of yayo was he on?? he made me anxious and HAPPY he wasn't asked to host, though his bits were tolerable and he stole my whole 'Black people don't skateboard' thing, but whatevs. if he is what's coming up in comedy, then wake me when he's funny. lucky I love sleeping.

- Skinny Jonah Hill AKA the large n' in charge dude from Superbad comes out with Nikki MiTwat (Minaj). she comes off as her usual- lacking of originality or personality, looking like a cosplay addict and making me want to kick her repeatedly. I zoned out till I saw that Britney Spears won for best pop video. Good for her-till she thanks God. Really Britney? you should be thanking your parents, the meds, the various people that put up with your nonsense because you pay their rent- BUT you know I can't hate on Brit Brit too much because compared to all the other assholes there, she looked mad elegant (for her) and came off really chill. plus, she's dating Sam from True Blood...or some dude that looks like him. Sam is a good dude so Brit can't be all that horrific...maybe.

- the SURPRISE performance happened- 'Otis' performed by Kanye 'Canadian Tux' West and Jay 'Bringin' Timbs Back' Z. too bad the person that ran onstage didn't have a shank, would've made the performance more interesting- LISTEN, I know there are like 50 million peeps who are taking turns gargling 'Ye and Jay's ballsacs. when it is NOT their turn they are trying to say how amazing that 'Otis' song is and how 'Watch The Throne' is the second coming. NO. it is mediocre. it is alllll that is wrong with 'hip hop' or whatever this shit is. it is people who are talented n' shit just resting on their laurels and not doing anything progressive, just instilling more bullshit and mediocrity. people so wrapped in what they and everyone else is wearing, they have no idea what TIME it is-and the time is to be about something more than some bullshit. try having substance- it's scary, but damn it is fulfilling!

- Sean White and Miley Cyrus come out looking like a before and after. Miley is the before and Sean is the after- meth. Foo Fighters won an award- WOW really? they're still winning shit? whatevs.

- ugh. Nikki MiTwat wins best rap video. let that just sit with you. that over hyped, lyrically sterile, annoying comicon train run WON. I mean, I don't look to MTV for hip hop n' shit...but damn. she makes Will Smith seem like Nas. and OF COURSE she is from Queens, only QUALITY comes from Brooklyn. she should be set on fire in an empty lot. also, may Lil Beetle (Wayne) find her burning body and get so emotionally distraught he trips into the fire and burns himself. whole.

- best collabo goes to Katy Perry and Kanye for that fucking song NO ONE GAVE A FUCK ABOUT! thankfully Kanye recognizes real and was like Chris Brown and co. should've won-which is true. also, I may have let Katy slip by with her bullshit before BUT then she was a complete asshat to 'Ye and she is corny as hell with her jokes- that Taylor Swift thing was like 10 years ago (in dog years) get over it bitch! then later when her prettier hubby Russell Brand says she was influenced by Amy Winehouse!!! I kinda wanted Amy's ghost to appear with a blow dart full of used needles. a dart to Katy and one to Kreyshawn.

- sweet! next up is the Pitbull and Neyo performance...with some chick who thought she was figure skating for dick or something. I think her name is Nya or chick who best marry rich n' quick. lovebirds Neyo and Pitbull paid her no never mind. Pitbull is enamored with being a talentless dick and Neyo is obsessed with the idea that he is Michael Jackson. Pitbull is on the right path, but Neyo needs to STOP. give it up. please.

- *sigh* Adele. I love her. that will never change. the above pic is one of my most favorite ever. I think MTV wanted to ignore Adele, but thankfully TALENT cannot be denied so her performance was just...it was what was needed. so simple. no bullshit. just someone singing from their soul. amazing. it helped to ease the rage that building up in me. I LOVED the close up of Adele's expressions during the show...like she was trying to keep the 'PC face' but her realness came through. she gave a lot of 'WTF face', which is what I would've been doing.

- y'all bitches better clap for Chris Brown!! ha! he started out cheesy, then some WuTang happened and then Nirvana....and then that 'Beautiful People' song started and I kinda love that song. which is BIG because I can't stand Chris Brown-way before he started trying to transform Rihanna's forehead. anyways, that song was very old school NYC house vibe. I wanted to twirl...and then vogue to that song.

- damn! I am FUCKING OLD. Britney Spears is getting a video vanguard award??!!! shit! have to say the little girls KILLED IT. omg, loved that part. just as I was all cool-then here comes Beyonce. I was impressed she had on clothing- then I found out she was pregnant. well not that I found out it was more like she was in stirrups and there was a spotlight showing us the inside of the uterus-and there was a lil golden haired camel wearing a Yankees cap. whatevs, I was more concerned with the lack of words to the song or the fact that she kept repeating something about her love being on top-UGH now we need to know how the lil golden camel was conceived. gross, yo.

- there is a show on MTV called: I Want My Pants Back.

- damn, damn, damn. I am not into Tyrone The Creator (Tyler) and his band of lackeys, but that jizzbucket spoke some truth. as he accepted his award for best new artist he said that ANYONE can do this. he is right. ANYONE can make a million bucks, win awards, have people trip over cocks to get to them and claim they are musicians. anyone can do it. in fact, my new album drops next month. it's called: Fuckin' Give Me Your Money, the first single is: Gotta Cop Me Some Jeans with Your Money, Bitches

- Zoe Saldana, you are lovely.

- honestly, I don't know who or what the fuck a Young the Giant is...

- Cloris Leachman looked younger than any of them twats from the Jersey Shore.

- ah. the Amy Winehouse tribute. Russell Brand went on about some nonsense. then Tony Bennett came out (RRRRESPPECT) spoke about Amy. amazing...and then they showed the clip, one of Amy's final moments...and I just started crying again. so fucking talented that girl was, even with her perpetual hot mess, she was way better than any of them other assholes on the show-besides Adele. that girl had heart.
then Bruno Mars came out and sang "Valerie'. I have tried to deny my wanting to smother him with my thigh meat, but I shall not deny him anymore. he is about the height of my labia, but no matter, he can get it! he did my Amy justice and I just like his voice.

- Katie Holmes popped out Xenu's crypt to announce something....OH the video of the year...which went to Katy Perry.

Overall I think the night can be summed up with Justin Bieber mouthing after Chris Browns performance 'that's my boy!'. There was a time when hip hop was hip hop and pop was pop and peeps stayed in their lane. Sure, Chris Brown and Justin Bieber are in the same genre- but they shouldn't be. Isn't Chris more Rn'B, shouldn't he be running with dudes and not kids who are waiting for their balls to descend?
People in the industry are too familiar. Getting too comfortable with each other. It's time for segregation. Musical segregation. Have people hone their shit again and stop producing this watered down fucking mess that is occurring. Now Taylor Swift thinks she can have Ludacris rap on her song about the boy that ate a gummi bear out of her ass.
We need WuTang back or something. Like old school Wu-the type that would make that lesbian Bieber REAL uncomfortable. Make him stay home during award shows asking his moms to cut the corners off of his sammiches. Young Money is too busy boning each other and 'Ye has blouses to buy.
I could fuck up Tyrone and his Odd Future cronies. Me and my non kung fu having skills.
...dunno where I was going with this. Just that MTV is crap and this will be my last rundown about their award shows because I get too angry. Too too angry- I mean I just mentioned segregation! Fuck.

5 comments:

  1. I want to write a love poem about how much I love your VMA reviews.

    If there was a god, you would be the new Joan Crawford of the VMA's.

    ReplyDelete
  2. AMAZING! I haven't seen the show and the way you've described it, I feel like I was there!! I gotta thank you because I had a real shit day at work and this post made me laugh so hard, so hard! Talkin' bout Neyo thinking he's Michael Jackson and Bieber the lesbian, oh my god, oh my god, you're gonna get me in trouble at work! And...Pitbull sux major d**ks talkin about "back it up like a Tonka truck'! really, really??? Love, Karolina;)

    ReplyDelete
  3. Can you speak on the girl with the broken leg, the one who sang between commercials?

    ReplyDelete
  4. oooo i LOVE poems- well i would like th poetry you would write me!;)

    KAROL!!! am so glad to have made your day! laughing is awesome. don't lose your job. boo!

    Elwood!yeah, am afraid of her because she's a vampire-and it was sad after awhile..watching her sing TLC. so sad. cuz no one gave 1 ounce of a fuck.

    ReplyDelete
  5. miks, you know i love your run-downs. droppin' the science outta that cashmere cooch of yours. respect!

    ReplyDelete