Monday, September 12, 2011

True Blood Season 4 -The Rundown AKA Season of The Meth Cooch

When the season started I was all down for a 3 way involving me, Eric and Alcide.
That hasn't changed-though things were shaky when Eric started banging Sookie. Sure, he lost his memory too so he wasn't all gnarly leather wearing Eric with a smirk and an overbite.

Anyways, here is my True Blood Season 4 Rundown:


- So we know that Sookie was with Bill but was having sexual fantasies about Eric (who wouldn't) then Bill betrayed her or something and lil ole Sook's oooch was missing some cold dong.
Enter the witches. Marni, a nerdy witch, summons some old witch Antonia who's like: I'm dirty, vamps raped me, imma speak in some Latin and make these bitches walk in the sun.
Eric gets cursed with memory loss because he bit the shit out of Marni then she let Antonia run up in her and turned this bitch out- well Eric out who in turn turned Sookie out. Cold dong-less NO MORE!
...but seriously, those sex scenes?? Ridiculous. Even made me uncomfortable- I am all like: boo your hubby is on this show watching you dry hump some Swede? damn.
One scene involved a bed in the middle of the Lord of the Rings Fae-Land forest! There was snow n' shit. I was done. It soon became about me wanting Eric to get his memory back.
Then I didn't care because the whole build up of the season was the supposed FIGHT over Sookie between Bill and Eric. WHY? I mean really? Sookie? She is as smart as a craw fish (Lousianna y'all), screams and cries all the time- okay she is part fairy which make the vamps go wild but then m'boo Alcide...


He totally tells Sookie that he'd like impale her with his 'big bad wolf'. WHAT.THE.FUCK???
I don't see her appeal? She can read minds? Shit, I read books!- speaking of books, this series is so left field of the Sookie Stackhouse series by Charlaine Harris that I watch it just to see what the hell are they going to not do like the book now...

Yeah so this season was about everyone wanting Sookie. She doesn't choose Eric or Bill (we don't know about Alcide)- best thing that happened all season- well one of the 2 best things that happened- Eric and Bill wearing matching bathrobes.

Ugh...who cares? Just hope Sookie doesn't get with Alcide then ALMOST ruin him for me too!

I say almost because once Eric got his memory back (thanks to Sookie and her fairy cooch fingers)(also the second best thing of the season) he ripped out a dudes heart and proceeded to sip blood from the heart using one of the ventricles as a STRAW. AHHHHHHHHH! That was amazing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It's the simple things.

So yeah...Sookie is dead dong-less again, Eric is back to wearing leather jackets, Bill who went through a 'being a dick' phase became lovable normally annoying Bill who sounds like an overseer (he makes my inner house slave shiver)and they killed the witch who became a ghost...that entered Lafayette's body!


-So...yeah...Lafayette is a MEDIUM! Like Whoopi Goldberg in Ghost-


Even down to the horrible wigs- no, but seriously what was going on with Lafayette's hair this season???? He had Coolio braids, a beaded corn rowed mohawk...just horrible, horrible shit! Luckily I'll always love me some Lafayette so it wasn't an Eric situation where I thought about him meeting the true death-especially during them long lovey dovey chats with Snookie (ha, it's the best when he calls her that).
Anyways, Jesus, Lafayette's boo is a bru-ho and Lafayette is a medium. They help with killing the witch and solving one of the LAMEST story lines involving a haunted doll and Arlene's devil baby.

Marni enters Lafayette's body causing him to kill his boo. Awww. Thankfully Jesus's ghost visits him-but doesn't enter him (this time, oooooooooooo). He comforts Lafayette while Tara's busy getting half her head shot off by Debbie Pelt-Alcide's ex-boo who he abjured (wolf talk for 'told to fuck off') because she started boning the pack master. Debbie came to kill Sookie of course but (as usual) she fucked everything all up got Tara shot-
Aww Tara...


-Most of this season I have been like: whateva, Tara!
I mean really, getting caught up in some bullshit again. Witchcraft! Ugh. I was done with her...and then she got shot and I was like: oh damn, Tara I miss you!
Plus she's the only Black chick on the show...so...


-Jason Stackhouse. I like him and wanted him to be a were panther, but he's not. He is boning his best friend's ex- vampire boo. (pretty fucked up)...and again resulting in some INTENSE (meaning looking like some real penetration happening) sex scenes! It made me uncomfortable especially since Jason's body is about the size of my calf (even post diet!).


Overall, B, Jesse and JK and I thought that the season lacked plot and we loved it mostly because it involved us all hanging out and eating AMAZING things...and then making fun of how effed up the show is.
Of course we'll watch Season 5...but I am giving it the side eye already.
In the words of Pam (my favorite): Fuck Sookie Stackhouse!
Will be saying this till next season!

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