Saturday, September 10, 2011

Ain't Nothing Changed

So, you remember how I was/am doing this diet/cleanse thing. Well it resulted in me being on TV- so people can take bets on when I wake up covered in mac & cheese with a pillow of cakes, and melted ice cream instead of drool...when I become 1000lbs and bed ridden.
People LOVE IT when you fail, especially if they can watch- I don't plan on failing because it's just a new way of life for me. I mean I will have me some cake and bacon- last night I had bacon. And meat butter. Did not know what my mouth was missing till I had meat.butter. Meat butter is the the renderings of meats made into a clarified butter type deliciousness.
Where was I?

...I was in LA doing TV- HA! Sounds important because it was really just one of the many reasons why I write. Random amazingness happens.
I met Steve Ward aka 'Tough Love' matchmaker...


Remember him? Though his forehead seemed to be chasing his hair, and he has a douche-y appeal, I found him handsome. SO handsome I had a dream that we were dating, but I was showing him some tough.love- not THAT way, dirty, in a way that he was all on it and I was like 'meh'.
Which is what would happen. He is tall and not horrible on the eyes, and any dude that calls out sluts is alright by me- but there's that douche-y appeal.
Oh well.
NO, the show didn't involve him trying to figure out why a gem like me is single- though that would be interesting...and a camera following me on dates?! Amazing.
He wasn't even on my segment, just ran into him as I was coming out of my dressing room- HA! yeah I said that and it happened!

Don't worry, though I am prone to asshole tendencies, I am not all LaLa land out. Am still the lovable scamp who loves to hate. Awww.

When I came back, all rejuvenated and ready to rumble, I thought: Fashion Night Out in NYC. YES!
No!
I was all chilled from shopping at the Westfeld Mall (one of the best malls ever) and reading by the pool- then I had to curse out several people and deal with being in front of the MAC store (in Soho) and some chicks thinking Nikki Minaj was there. These chicks proceeded to yell: OMG IS NIKKI IN THERE???!!!
They stopped when I turned slowly holding up my elbow to take out the culprit windpipe. Through gritted teeth I said it was Beth Ditto and not Nikki.
At this point I was done. Luckily I met up with Brooklyn Kat and we walked one block together before I was done again. Last year it was fun, this year it was crowded with assholes! Assholes dressed like all that was wrong with the 90's.

This is me among the assholes. I am laughing because I am thinking: what.the.fuck.am.I.doing.here?????????????????????????


I am back. I am thinner. I still hate everyone which is why I will be single and have various jungle cats as pets.

4 comments:

  1. lmao, I'm pretty sure we were separated at birth. I watched Tough Love and was slightly enamored with Steve Ward!

    ReplyDelete
  2. souuullll sistassssssssssss!;)
    am just fascinated with his assessment of me.-plus he's kinda douche-y

    ReplyDelete
  3. Hopefully it was a good assessment!

    ReplyDelete
  4. hahaahahha just a lot of eye wriggling and a bulge in the pants.
    hells yeah!

    ReplyDelete