Tuesday, March 26, 2013

The MTV VMA's Are Coming to Brooklyn-What Does This MEAN?

This summer the clusterfuck of talentless schmucks and people who maybe have some talent but are real lazy AKA the MTV Video Music Awards are coming to the Barclays Center!
I am just itchy with emotions (allergies) and to help get my mind right-and in turn getting your mind right- I have decided to put together a bullet list of what this all means.

  • that whole Atlantic Avenue area...pretty much Brooklyn as a WHOLE is FUCKED.
  • perhaps I wouldn't be all doom & gloom if I was guaranteed to bump into Robin Thicke on 5th avenue by the Chocolate Room and he suddenly leaves his gorgeous wife and wants to just sit n' watch me eat mint chip ice cream.  He then wants to reenact this in the nude at whatever new hotel appears downtown Brooklyn that he is staying at.
  • will the trains stop running?  I mean, A LOT of trains run through that area.  someone may get notions to send an N train filled with sticks of dynamite (a la V for Vendetta) to eliminate a lot of the sludge of the Earth...or just Ke$ha.  if this happens, remember I am writing about HYPOTHETICAL situations.  except for whatever goes down with Mr. Thicke.  I want that to happen.
  • along with the 2 Nets t-shirts they have hanging in the arena (because the Nets have NO CHAMPIONSHIPS...well not since like 1975), they have a Jay-Z throwback he lent them from his closet- will they now hang the skin that Willow n' Jaden Smith shed every year with: MTV VMA's 2013 written on it?
  • I have another scenario in my mind where I am in the PathMark (supermarket) across from the Barclays and Frank Ocean is in there pensively staring the produce, he is thinking about making a smoothie.  I notice him because of his bandana and the 2 penises hanging out of his mouth.  He looks at me and says that though we are both on this PathMark plain of corporate realness, he sees beyond my need for sparkling waters and bacon.  he sees the real me.  we go eat sushi and try to pick up boys at a few area bars.  when I text him the next day, he says he has no idea who I am and that he thought he was hanging with Phylicia Rashad (aka Claire Huxtable).
  • for those who have no idea what this area of Brooklyn I am speaking of.  you have no idea what New York City is or what a borough is.  I drew a map of Brooklyn (see above).  thank me with 'devils on horseback' and patron margaritas.  notice I drew in the desirable areas close to the Baclays Center-making reference to Park Slope by drawing 2 silver haired lesbians and their dog and drawing a djembe drum to rep Fort Greene.  there is also a nod to the ton of gentrification that is happening allowing BK to be 'the new Manhattan' and the unsavory areas that still exist filled with undesirable ethnics and have no Starbucks.  I am sure everyone is amazed at how I didn't become an urban planner or at least a map drawer...is that what they're called?
  • how many Rihanna was at this weed spot or that corner of Flatbush sitings?  I am going to start with 10.
  • if we thought Habana Outpost was filled to the nipples with cous cous eating, crochet short wearing asshats...just imagine what it will be like when Solange Knowles sets up a jam session residency the week of the award show.  expect Macklemore to do spoken word.  Beyonce cornrowing Blue Ivy's hair in the corner while JiggaToe is having a taco eating contest with Justin Timberlake.  just don't expect to get in that spot AT ALL.
  • I hope I am at Targets and run into Kendrick Lamar trying to decide between buying a video game or a reasonably priced watch.  we get to discussing why he feels the need to do a collabo with just anyone.  he helps me pick out some shoes and shorts. we stroll through Prospect Park and then he drops me back off at Robin Thicke's hotel room for sexy times.
  • the one thing that is for certain having the award show in Brooklyn will definitely have me watching the hot mess.  that is a plus for MTV. a minus for my life though.

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